Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Bensonhurst - full transcript

First day of unemployment.

More like funemployment!

I wanna die!

Best day ever!

Ugh.

Blood Haven Thrill Park.
Such memories.

Jesus, Bane!

I almost blew that place up,

but then I rode the Cyclotron

and thought,
"I get it. This is fun."

Do ya need somethin'?
I'm kinda busy here.



You don't look busy.

You look like you're
Insta-stalking your ex-crew.

Not very healthy.
Slippery slope.

Gah. Can ya believe
they ditched me?

I made one little mistake
and they just... they bolt.

After everything
I did for them.

Um. You could blow them up?

Nah, not really my thing.

I could blow them up?

Nah. Argh!
Looks like both of us

will be spending
the weekend alone.

No, I'm going to
Black Manta's beach lair.

He's smoking a pork shoulder.

I...take it
you didn't get the invite?



Um, maybe check
your spam folder?

I don't think
she's going to respond.

Hey, sane me.

Also, the LOL felt
a little sweaty.

Yeah, I went
back and forth on that.

Where are all your friends?

Just kidding. I know.
They left you.

What? You just came outta
the phone to shit on me?

I'm here to help you.

Look, you messed up a bunch
of important relationships,

but there's still someone

who is always going
to love you unconditionally.

Someone who always manages
to comfort you.

She's not even responding
to my texts.

Ivy's definitely not gonna
wanna see me.

I wasn't talking about Ivy.

Hi, Mom.

♪ Togetherness... ♪

♪ Is one thing that drives you
through life and love ♪

♪ Will always
steer you right ♪

♪ All you need is
To hear their voices ♪

♪ Of really good family
And really good choices ♪

♪ And you want another,
Especially your brother! ♪

Hey! You're up, sleepyhead.

You've probably got
the usual questions.

Where am I?

Exactly.

Where am I?
What are you doing to me?

Why are you so handsome?

Y'know, that's just me playin'.

Uh, but actually,

I don't have the answers
to any of these questions.

I'm just a low-level goon.

Hey! I got an idea.

Why don't you just let me go?

Honestly, I'd consider it,

but I need this job.

I'm actually
a kindergarten teacher.

Just sidegooning to make some
extra moolah for art supplies.

You know what, if you let me go

I'll double what you're making.

I mean, I'll get you
construction paper.

Like, those crazy
smelly markers...

Ah, geez, that's so nice.

But if I did, I'd drop
to three stars on Goon Review.

They say that's all you need,

but once you drop below four,
you're dead.

Okay, so I will be
getting out of here.

So if you're not the one
who's gonna let me out,

I will have to kill you first.

Ooh, that really took a turn,
didn't it?

Well, honestly,
we're harvesting you

in two days, so...

Oh. Oh, God. I gotta take this.

It's a parent from the school.

Hey, Mrs. Kirshen.

Uh, little Kendall

told a rather grown-up joke
at share time.

Well, it was

"What did one potato say
to the other potato? Idaho."

Oh, gee, hold on, wait.

No, I forgot to say "one of
the potatoes is a whore."

Oh, God.

Hey! So, I need your help,
okay?

Go find Frank...

...and tell him to get Harley
to come rescue me.

So, yeah,
I get into Legion of Doom

and next thing I know
she doesn't wanna be
friends anymore!

Well, I'd be in your crew
any day, sweetie.

Ya know, sometimes

I use the express line
when I have more than 12 items.

Aw, yeah,
that's truly evil of ya, Ma.

Listen, you know, I know I
ain't called ya in
a few months--

Thirty-six months.

Right. Yes. You know,

it's just... I got swept up
in my relationship with Joker,

and then my breakup with Joker.

Yeah, I saw that on
Howie, may he rest in peace.

Anyway, I'm sorry.
I shoulda stayed in touch.

I missed ya, Ma.

Well, if ya were around more
ya wouldn't miss me so much.

Maybe ya could move back,
be a psychologist again?

Maybe make that "life of crime"
thing more of a weekend deal?

Ma! Ma, the Legion of Doom
isn't a weekend kinda thing.

Okay. Well, it's an option.

The one your only Mom
likes the most.

I'm just glad you're home.

You...you kept this trophy?

I know ya wanted us
to throw it away,

but I just couldn't do it.

Still so proud of ya.
Even after what happened.

Next on the floor exercise,

Harleen Quinzel.

Okay, this is it, Dad.
If I nail this routine,

I'll be the national champ.

Probably go to the Olympics,

get lots'a endorsements,

maybe be
the first woman president.

Great, great. So, um...

I'm gonna need ya
to take a dive.

-What?
-I owe a bunch of money
to my bookie.

I bet against ya.

You're the heavy favorite.

So, if ya lose
I keep all nine of my fingers.

But this is my dream.

You'll have other dreams.
Come on, do it for me.

- Stunning
performance by Quinzel.

I mean,
she's got this in the bag.

You're killin' me, Harleen.

Ooh! A costly mistake.

Oh. Thank you, sweetie.
Thank you.

You saved my life.

Also, let's be honest,

there ain't never gonna be
a lady president anyway.

I hate you.

I wanna kill you!

That was my worst day.

Ugh, I'm glad that sonuvabitch
is rottin' in jail.

Hey, sweetie.

He got out and we kinda
got back together.

Why? He broke every promise
he ever made!

And he apologized for that

and made a whole bunch
of new ones!

Plus, he made me this
beautiful bracelet in jail.

It's water resistant,
up to 50 meters.

People shit on the WNBA,

but I'm a purist.

Get those dunks
the fuck outta my face.

Give me a nice crisp
bounce pass.

That's my shit.

I'm more about
the fundamentals!

Do not interrupt me.

You're a dandelion weed.
I'm a grown ass plant.

What? Ivy's in a well...

...guarded prison?

Ivy's been captured--

at PlanetWide Pavers--

and needs me to find Harley--

in Bensonhurst--

to rescue her?

Am I super baked

or are two plants
talking to each other
right now?

Chaz, you gotta drive me to
Brooklyn.

Honey, a birdie just told me
the dentist down the street

just got divorced.

Tallest Jew I've ever seen.
I could introduce ya.

No, Ma.
Can ya pass me the peas?

They're right next to
that piece of shit.

Oh, Harleen, come on!
Talk to me.

Hasn't been a day gone by
I haven't regretted what I did.

Oh. How about a week
after the championship

when ya bought a Trans Am
with the extra money?

Okay, I didn't regret that.

But on the whole, though,
a lotta regret.

I'm reformed now.

Huh? Haven't placed
a single bet since.

Oh, then why were ya
sent to jail?

Eh, the usual.

Almost beat an Irish to death.
Nothing to do with gamblin'.

The Irish are a menace.
They're like rats, honey.

He's the rat.

You ain't changed one bit.

I never woulda come back home
if I'd known ya were here.

I just wanna be
with people who love me.

Like Ma, Grandma, Barry--

Aw, Harleen,
I am so sorry for what I did.

I'm hopin' you'll forgive me

'cause I'll never be able
to forgive myself.

What do ya say, sweetheart?

Beautiful.

Fuck you.

Least the lines
of communication are opening.

That's a start.

Let's just have a nice dinner,
huh?

Grandma's really happy
to see you.

It's true.

I don't know how many of
these dinners I've got left.

What do ya mean, Grandma?

Well, I went
to the doctor last week.

I got the brain cancer.

-Aah!
-Whoa!

Jesus! That's an aggressive
form of brain cancer.

Someone's tryin'
to kill us, ya idiot.

All right, who ya workin' for?

Dad! The fuck are ya doin'?

He killed Grandma.

I mean, she was gonna die
shortly anyway,

but that was God's
trigger to pull.

Well, they say, "he works
in mysterious ways".

God doesn't send assassins, Ma.

I was about to find out
who sent this bastard here
to kill me.

Oh, he wasn't here to kill you.

He's here to kill me.

This is your fault.
You've been gamblin' again.

No! I told ya.

Look, it's been hard times.
We were scrapin' by.

I tried to get
into real estate,

but do ya know
how much a pant suit costs?

Three figures!

Oh, Sharon, please.

Look, I took out a loan

from the only mooks
that'd give me one.

The M-O-B. That spells--

I know what it spells, Ma.

Look, if you were in trouble,
why didn't ya call me?

I didn't wanna waste
your minutes.

None of this
is your problem, Harleen.

I'll talk to the mob,
try to reason with them.

They're famous
for bein' reasonable.

They'll kill ya, Nicky!

Then at least the last memory
you'll have of me

is finally doin'
the right thing.

All right, stop!

I'm comin'.

You're gonna stick up
for your old man?

Hell, no.

I just know
when ya fuck this up,

they'll kill Ma next.

Aye!

Ooh!

Gabbagool!

All great suggestions for
things we need'a stop sayin'.

Otherwise we're just feedin'
a harmful stereotype.

What are you doing?
Slap ya in the face.

What are you doing?
Get that out of your face.
What is this?

Hey, guys.

I realize
I owe you a buncha money,

but I'm wonderin'--

Which one of ya meatballs
killed my grandma?

Whoa! Holy shit!

You're Harley Quinn.

That's right.

So either forgive my dad's debt
or I kill all of ya.

That ain't how
our business works.

Yeah. It's based on loans

and the interest
attached to those loans.

We're servicing
a sector of the community

traditionally ignored
by the financial sector.

Yeah! Bensonhurst
is our turf and I'm not--

- ...gonna ever be able
to chew veal parm again?

You fuggin' bitch.

Hey! Whoa, whoa.

We can be respectful
while killing her.

Get her boys!

Harleen! Front-sault!

Arabian Double Front!

Backwards salto!

I said backwards!

Stuck the landing, kiddo.

Oh, I never shoulda

made you lose
that championship, Harleen.

Seeing ya do
that routine perfectly

is better than any
dumb 'ol finger.

I don't know about perfect.

I mean stumbled a little
on the landing.

Get down!

Ugh. In case you're wonderin',

I'm givin' ya
a double thumbs up, champ.

Oh...

Pollinate me harder...

That's all you got?

Oh... Wh...

Where the hell are we? Chaz!

Car, car, car! Start the car!

They're coming, let's move it!

Get down!

What the fuck is goin' on?

I thought you were
just a weed dealer.

Weed's legal everywhere, man.

I'm diversifying into
hallucinogenic honey.

Time to GTFO 'ah May-hico.

Mexico? We're supposed
to be in Brooklyn.

Which is basically
next to Mexico.

Stop lickin'
that goddamn honey
and drive this car.

One lick ya see God.

Two licks and ya pass out
with a giant hard...

Goddammit, Chaz!

Okay, Frank, you've got this.

I'm coming, Harley.

Wow. Harley has been
texting nonstop.

This last one says
she feels "ducking awful."

I think
she meant the F word.

"I'm super sorry.
I made a mistake.

"I never wanted to hurt you.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

"Don't buy those boots."

Well, she's right about that.

I don't think
you can pull off
a kitten heel.

You know what? I bought them,
but I returned them. Okay?

I agree with you. I'm, like,
not a kitten heel person.

Can I just...
Can I have my phone,

so I can...
I can text her goodbye?

Feels like you're gonna ask her
to come save you.

Gus, are you serious?

You really think I would do
something like that to you?

We have built a rapport.

Mmm, yeah. I've seen
a lot of toxic friendships

and the best thing to do
is just cut them loose.

Let me rip that
band-aid off for you.

No, no.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Oh. Okay.

And now I'll text her back.

Oh, shit.

Oh! Ya shoulda seen
my daughter.

Doin' cartwheels,
stabbin' guys in the throat.

Ah. Oh, I was so proud.

Dad, ya...ya saved my life.

Which is very
un-piece of shit like.

I'm tellin' ya,
your father's changed.

He gave his good thumb for you.

Worth it for my daughter.

Ugh, thumbs are overrated.

I love you.

It's been so nice
havin' ya here, honey.

Sad to see ya go tomorrow.

I don't know.

There's nobody really
waitin' for me in Gotham.

I came here hopin'
to spend some time with Ma,

but actually kind of glad
we could all be here together.

There she is.

-Grandpa?
-Well,

I heard you were in town
and Grandma's dead.

Two reasons to celebrate.

Also, got a checkup
at the doc yesterday.

Says my blood pressure's
through the roof.

Not sure
how much longer I got.

So let's drink.

That blood pressure's no joke!

Ha!

Oh, my God!

Jesus!
The mob's never gonna stop.

But as long as I'm here,
I'm gonna keep my family safe.

Dad?

Harleen, honey. I'm sorry.

There was a million dollar
bounty on ya.

I didn't wanna have to
kill ya myself,

so I tipped off an assassin
to collect a finder's fee.

Big whoop!

But ya couldn't do it!

Could you,
you fucking piece of shit?

You...

Shit person!

You were lying
to me the whole time!

No, no, no, no, no.
I was not lying.

I did owe the mob
a lotta money.

I just figured
while I was waitin' on
the assassin to kill you,

I could get ya
to take out the mob for me.

What are ya doin?

All I wanted was
what every Jewish mother wants,

for you to marry a doctor.

But I am a doctor!

And now look at ya.

I tried so hard
to get ya to change your life

in the most
passive aggressive way possible

and this is the thanks I get?

Yellin' and fightin'?

But I'm your daughter.

I know.

That's why people spit at us
at the grocery store.

When you became "Harley Quinn,"

we became the laughingstock
of the neighborhood.

Oh, oh, I'm the reason
you're the laughingstock?

What about Dad
bein' a fuckin' deadbeat?

It's Bensonhurst!

You beat an Irish and
people forget a lotta things.

Piece of shit,
I'll fuckin' kill you.

Ha!

Ahhh!

I do not know why
you're so upset.

I figured you'd understand.

After all,
you're a criminal, like me.

I'm nothin' like you.

Ahhh!

Oh, sure ya are!
Of course ya are!

Ya turned on your crew
just like I turned on you.

Classic case a' samesies.

Ahhh!

No samesies!

I didn't turn on my crew.
They left me!

Yeah, 'cause you
were suckin' face

with that goyische clown.

You've always had
bad taste in men.

Gee, I wonder
where I learned that from?

Oh, my gift wrapping station!

Harleen,
please don't kill your father.

Yeah, we're family.

Family doesn't kill each other.

You people are not my family.

And ya know what?

You're not even worth it.

Harley? What happened to you?

Uh...

Well, look who's up.

Harleen?

Wha...

How much of this
am I hallucinating?

Just me.

Weirdly the passed out guy

with the boner and the plant
driving the car are both real.

Why did ya tell me
to go back to Bensonhurst?

In my defense,

how could I have
possibly known your parents

would try to kill you
for a million dollar bounty?

Who wanted you dead,
by the way?

No idea.
Feels like it could be anyone.

Now I got no one left.
And even Ivy hates me.

What the fuck
you babblin' about?

Ivy doesn't hate you.

I'm only here
because Ivy says she needs you.

She's been captured.
It's life or death.

What?

Step on it

That's when I told my mother
I don't want to be a lawyer.

My passion is
early childhood education.

And let me tell you,
she did not...

Oop. Doctor's here.

Sorry, I guess it's time
for harvesting.

Who the fuck are you?
Show me your face.

Uh... Gonna have to
settle for a bag.

Joshua!

Whatup, Bane?

I just saw the statement
from the Legion corporate card

that your Uncle Penguin
gave you.

Did you put a down payment

on a bounty
to kill Harley Quinn?

What? Pfft. No.

You are a lying liar!

Okay, yes!
She ruined my bar mitzvah.

I want her dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead!

The credit card
is for emergencies only,

but your bill is all candies,
and vape pens,

and something suspiciously
labeled "dolphin encounter."

When you put out a hit,
you pay in cash.

Okay, fine, I'll cancel it.

Already done

because I am this
credit card's reckoning.

I am cutting this card
and I am cutting it in half--

No. Please.
I hate when you do this, Bane.

-These blades are dull.
-Bane!

-I will bend it.
-Don't do that.

Too late!

Do you think I want to be
credit card paying man?

I have dreams, too!

Sorry, Bane. No, you're right.

You're right. I shouldn't have
tried to kill Harley.

Aw, I guess
I was just being...impulsive.

Because you are young.

The road to maturity
is a long one, Joshua.

Ahhh! Goddammit!
Who put that there?

Blow up on the ground

you stupid office chair!