Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Harley Quinn Highway - full transcript

Why don't you ever go
to the commissary for lunch?

I know I'm not
gonna like it.

But they change
their menu every day.

How could you possibly know
you don't like it?

I don't
like that style
of food preparation.

What does that even mean?
"Style of food preparation"?

Don't worry.

Without any plants around,

she's just another
weak, helpless woman.

Uh, who still has hands

and the goddamn
Second Amendment.



Obviously I support
background checks

and common sense gun laws.

There she is.

-Hey you, stop!
-Hey!

Shit.

Trying to escape
on surgery day.

Don't worry.

Insurance will cover it.

Obviously that was a joke.

Insurance would
never pay for this.

I think
we can all agree

they're the real
villains, yeah?

I would agree with th--

Ugh, it's my fault
she's in there.



I can't even imagine
what they're doing to her.

You don't think it's,
like, torture, right?

I don't think
it's like torture.

That's motherfuckin'
torture right there.

Screw this.
I'm gettin' her out.

That is a lot of
big boys with guns,

and you're one petite
young woman with a bat.

They aren't gonna
come at you one at a time.

That's not how
that shit work!

Mmm, that's actually
standard goon
operating procedure.

Excuse me.

I'm so dang lost and so--

Oh, they're doing
the "all at once" way now.

You know what you need?

-More bat?
-More crew.

Hello, Gotham.
Riddler here.

Sorry to interrupt
your football match,

but I've hidden a bomb
somewhere in Gotham.

Oh, but don't worry, Batman.

Here's a little riddle
to help you find it.

You throw away the outside
and cook the inside.

Then you eat the outside
and throw away the--

You're doing great, boss.

Mmm.

You throw away the outside...

Oh, sorry.

Uh, you throw away the...

You throw away the outside
and cook the inside--

What the hell are you doing?

I just have
one tiny thought.

Maybe say,
"Throw away the outside."

Do you see
where I put the emphasis?

Did you just give me
a fucking line reading?

We're live!

Yes, this guy!

Where's this guy when
you're threatening Gotham
with a riddle?

Go, now, while you feel it.

All right.
You know what?
Screw it. It's corn.

The bomb's
at the corn factory.
Cut the feed.

Uh, can I borrow
Clayface for a minute?

Borrow? Take him, please.

Now, forever, be gone.

Hey, Clayface!

-Hmm. Ms. Quinn.
-You look great.

Have you lost some clay?

Yes. I'm feeling
very fulfilled.

My life is thick and rich.

Listen, I know I promised
to take care of you guys,

instead, I left
you out to dry.

You guys aren't just
a crew to me.

You're the only
family I've got.

You're thinking
of the number 17.

Also, FYI he's banging
his assistant Denise.

We are not family.

You're right. I didn't
treat you like family.

Well, I did, but I treated you
like my family treats people,

which is bad not good.

Now, Denise, do you know
your boss' password?

And, yes, I heard you,

but I'm passive
aggressively
not responding.

All I'm asking for
is a second chance.

When I got to the
Legion of Doom,

I forgot that
the only reason
I was there

was because of you guys.

But I won't forget again.

So, what do you say?

-No.
-No.

-Never gonna happen.
-No? Ivy's kidnapped!

-What?
-Not Ivy.

-We got to save her.
-Yeah.

Where the hell did you learn
how to give a speech?

You put your thesis statement
at the motherfuckin' top.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Look, Ivy needs us,
and I can't do it on my own.

We'll help you, Harley.

-Yay!
-For Ivy.

-Still yay.
-And then we never

want to see you
again, all right?

Less yay, but more yay
than I had this morning.

What's happening?
What's shakin'?
We pullin' a caper?

What? No.
Where the hell you been?

We broke up a week ago.

What? We broke up?
I'm devastated.

I thought this was
my forever crew.

What the hell
are you talkin' about?

You've never been
in the crew.

But you can come
help rescue Ivy.

Hi-ya! You won't
regret this, Harley baby.

I'll do the driving!
I'm an excellent...

Driver!

Hey! Get out of the...
Ugh, you schmuck.

Come on! If you
don't wanna die,

get out of the road!

Don't throw up,
don't throw up.

Don't throw up!

Stop verbalizing it.

You're going to make me--

I do not know
how you live
with yourself.

Holy shit!

Hey, how you doing, buddy boy?

Where do you want me to set up
the pretzel wrapped wieners?

Pretzel-wrapped wieners!

Oh, boy!
What's the occasion?

It's a big thank you
from the boss

for all your hard work.

Oh, that is just...

You think they don't notice,
but they notice.

Mmm.

It's like eating my childhood.

Here, let these guys in.

Who wants
a pretzel-wrapped wiener?

Like a glove.

Holy shit! It's true!

Pretzel-wrapped wieners!

Gentlemen and Psycho,
begin phase two.

There she is.

Congratulations, Mom,
you're going to give birth

to the destruction
of Gotham.

My pheromones.

What did you
do with them?

Oh, I'd love to show you,

but by the time
I unleash it,

you'll be too busy screaming.

Oh, no, fear toxin.

Didn't see that coming.

Hey, shithead, poisons
don't work on me.

That's, like,
literally my thing.

Which is why
I used your DNA

to engineer
a special blend
just for you.

Was it fun
henching for Riddler?

I heard his breath smells,

but the person
who told me that
had nasty breath,

so he could be
an unreliable source.

Guys, shut it.

We can't find Ivy
if we can't hear her.

That's her!
Follow me!

Oh, my God!
What'd they do to her?

I fear they've
poisoned Ivy.

Nothing?

Should've saved that for
a lower-stakes situation.

Ive, it's okay, we're here!

Actually, it's not okay.

The fear toxin's
destroying her brain.

Unless we do something soon,

she's gonna be
stuck like this forever.

Don't worry. I know
just how to save her.

Why the fuck did you do that?

I had to knock her out
so we can get into her brain,

like I was knocked out
when you went into mine.

Uh, no.

You just happened to be
knocked out before.

So, really, all you've done
is punch your friend
in the face, you idiot.

Oh, well, whoops.

All right,
let's get in there
and fix her up.

Also, let's not mention
the whole face punchin' thingy.

-Let's go!
-But if we go in her brain,

that'd leave
our bodies out here
all cute and unprotected.

I'll protect
your cute bodies.

No, no. Last time
you were alone
with our cute bodies,

you tried to burn them.

Hey, hey, hey,
I could've done
much worse.

Come on,
get in her noggin.

Evie's counting on ya.

Ivy. It's Ivy!

All right, we're going in.
Sy's stayin'.

Hot dog!

Holy shit.

The fear toxin
has activated

all of Ivy's biggest fears.

Hey, guys, over here.

Wow, what a beautiful day
to meet some new friends.

I'm so lucky.

That was incredibly violent.

I did not realize
there was so much stuff
inside of trees.

It's comin' for us!

Somebody do something!

Good thinking, old chum,

knowing I would
clog up its gears,
but it wouldn't kill me.

Yeah, that was, uh...

That was definitely
a thing I knew.

What the hell are we
supposed to do now?

Oh, does someone have
a plot-driven question

that needs
a magical answer?

Let me be of service.

I wish I had that magical sound
in the background, that...

There it is!

Can we stop with the Frank show
and get on with it?

Hmm. Ivy's brain is warped
by Scarecrow's fear toxin,

which has activated
all her biggest fears.

To save her, you need
to destroy the thing

she fears most.

And how do we
figure out what that is?

Well, I guess it's not
this monster wood chipper.

What the hell else could it be?

Do you not see the creepy ass
mansion right there, huh?

111 Creepy Ass Street.

Aw, little Ivy.

Pamela, where are
all your friends?

You were right, dear,
she has no friends.

I thought you had at least one
friend, but Mother knew better.

We should've
hired those dwarfs
to pretend to be kids

to pretend to like you.

Of course Ivy's biggest fear
is her cruel father.

Oh, we've all
got daddy issues.

Hey, we're gonna kick
your trust-fund-having ass
s back to boarding school.

Help me!

Help me!

Hang on, little Ive,
I'm comin' for ya!

You let me die!

Okay, we gotta figure a way
back into that mansion

to kill that son of a bitch.

Ivy's dad is not
her biggest fear.

Her biggest fear is on the way.

All scary shit
got that laugh.

My God! Kite Man?

She's afraid of Kite Man?

No, dummy!

Would you can it
with the commentary

and just let
this shit play out?

He's coming!
I tried to stop him,

but he's too powerful.

I gotta fly.

Fly away.

Help. Nah.

Everybody feel that pucker
in your assholes?

That means shit
is about to get real.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

I mean, it's a little
Christmas Carol,

but, eh, let's just kill 'em.

We're good, we're fine.

Doing great. A-okay.
Super-duper.

Hunky dory.

Hey, what's
going on in here?

Hey! Watch the hair, shitbag.

I can't pull off
a Felicity season two.

No one can.

Not even Felicity itself.

Okay, he's burning rocks.

I'm out.

Clayface, I appear
to have misplaced my bat.

Batter up!

Oh, that's clever.

It was good, wasn't it?

Harley, you
slash-mostly-Clayface did it!

Now, to find out
how gross your face is.

Oh, shit!

Dear God. We're Empire
Strikes Back-ing it.

You're her biggest fear?

I did not see that coming.

That's some M. Night
Shyamalama shit.

What the fu--

Oh, Lordy.

What happened here?

Pretty great, right?

Why would these guards
commit suicide?

Suicide? I killed them!

Protecting your cute bodies.
You're welcome.

Why was I her greatest fear?

Ivy!

Ivy!

Though I have
so many questions,

they're about to
destroy Gotham,

so we've gotta
get out of here.

Who the fuck
braided my hair?

Mmm. I was bored.

Oh, Jesus.

Ive, why am I
your biggest fear?

Harley, I can't talk
about this right now.

Is it because
when we go out to eat

I always ask
to get a dessert menu

and that makes the dinner
last five minutes longer?

No, but I do hate that

because you never
order anything.

It's 'cause I
always forget that
we have cookies at home.

Listen, Ive, I can't live
with not knowing

why I'm some bad guy
in your brain

settin' fire to things.

I love you.

Harley, later.

Scarecrow's about to
use my pheromones

for some kind of
biological warfare.

We have to stop him.

I think we gotta stop them.

Legion of Doom.
Those pricks!

Yes! But it is nice
to see they're recycling.

Vroom, vroom, boys.
Gotham awaits.

- Shit.
- All right, that's
my fault. That's on me.

I parked in the handicap spot.

I know, I know
I could get the pass,

but I'm off the grid here.

I'm not putting my name on some
fakakta government hit list.

Not a car in sight.

You sure about that?

It's time, Sy.
You can do this.

In 1984, a toy company
came out with a new line.

It was a huge success,

and the CIA took notice.

For my last assignment...

-Fuck your mother!
-Ugh!

I underwent a procedure

using an experimental
technology.

It changed me forever.

It made me...

a transchanger.

Quick, get in me.

Over there,
I see 'em!

Harley, I don't think
I've ever ridden
on Harley Quinn Highway.

Yeah, they let me
design it myself

when I threatened
to nuke the city.

Kind of regrettin'
some of my creative choices
right about now.

There's the bastards.

Let her rip, boys.

I love guns!

I think the trucks
are bulletproof.

Just get me close,
and I'll handle this.

Ive, wait up.

Hey, now that
it's just me and you,

I was hopin' we could talk
a little bit about

why one bestie would think
of the other bestie
as her worst nightmare.

Not now!

Uh, what about now?

Fine! You want to know
what my biggest fear is?

Finally allowing myself
to count on someone

and then
having them ditch me.

But I was still plannin'
on helping you.

You were my one friend,

and I asked you
for one favor,

but instead
you ditched me

for the Joker,
who treats ya like shit.

I thought you could change,
but I was wrong.

You still live your entire life
based on what he might think.

So, how do we fix this?

I don't know.

Loop!

Harley's truck's
not gonna make it!

What's the situation?

Ivy's mad at me
for months of
emotional neglect.

The road, schmuck, the road!
Situation on the road!

Oh, two trucks left,
but there's Ivy!

Plant, anywhere?

There's gotta be
a plant somewhere.

Oh, shit.

-Ivy!
-Hang on!

Sy, after today,
you're in the crew,

even if it's
just you and me.

Thanks, H-bomb.
I told ya I could...

-Scarecrow's getting away!
-On it! On it.

He's takin'
the Gotham Park exit.

We're not gonna catch him.

Drive over
the weapons cache!

Good God! Tax dollars
actually paid for this?

Pull over!

Ivy, you're right.
I let Joker get to me.

I turned my back
on my friends and on you.

But that is the old me.

Time to blow her up.

See how selfless
I am now?

Best friends again?

Water under the bridge?

Hmm. That bubbling
seems ominous.

So, the guy
at the Smart Bar

said that everything
should be fine.

I did it, Denise.

I told Cheryl
I'm leaving her.

Now it's you and me forever.

Oh, Daniel.

Oh, shit.

So, this is not great.

Hey, a little
help over here.

Anybody have any WD-40?

Maybe some
coconut oil?

I'm in a lot of pain!