Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Devil's Snare - full transcript

[growling]

[grunts]

Whoa!

Oh! We gotta stop this.

If Gotham's destroyed
we gotta move

and there's no way
I'm living' in Metropolis.

So do your
plant control thingie

and put an end to this.

Yeah, you know what,

you're really taking
the romance out of it

when you just call it my
"plant control thingie."



[balloon man screaming]

Hey buddy. Stop.

[balloon man whimpering]

-[roaring]
-Argh!

[growls and roars]

[nervously] I...
I can't control them.

I've... They...
They've mutated!

Maybe they'll respond
to heavy scolding?

[yells] You are being
very disrespectful!

-[growling]
-Run.

[theme music playing]

Look at that,

Ivy has procured us
a tree army.

She can't control
the plants.



Yes, Harley. Hurrah!

Uh, I don't think
those trees
are on our side.

Run!

[all screaming]

[growling and roaring]

[whooshing]

Argh!

This is my favorite top. Dick!

[groans] Ow!

[grunts]

Sweet Roosevelt's ghost!

Acupuncture works.

I'm healed, baby!

-[whooshes]
-[groans]

Ah. Easy come, easy go.

Argh!

Oh, I am slain!

-Clayface, no!
-[grunts]

[groans]

If thou be merciful... [gasps]

Open the tomb...

And lay with...

[weakly] Juliet.

[groaning]

[Harley gasps]

[excitedly] And scene!

-[grunts]
-[Poison Ivy] Oh, my god!

[Dr. Psycho]
That deserves a suicide.

[tree monsters growling]

[people screaming in terror]

Sweet Jesus,

the park's filled
with murderous plants.

[people screaming]

Thank God
we canceled Jazz Fest.

The way I see it,
there's only one option.

[loudly] Bomb the damn place

to kingdom come.

Jim...

there are
innocent people there.

Well, it's not our fault

if they don't check
their social and see

Jazz Fest was canceled.

You can't bomb the park.

Of course we can.
We have tanks.

The taxpayers paid for 'em.

Yep, Jazz Fest
may have been canceled,

but we can still give
the people a show, buddy.

I need you to be surgical
about this, Jim.

Be prudent.

-I can't hold your hand--
-Why not?

Because Scarecrow's
crop-dusting fear toxin

around the perimeter of Gotham,

forcing thousands
of innocent people
towards the park.

-That potato sack
son of a bitch.
-I'll handle him.

The Justice League
is en route to help us
with the tree problem.

-I just need you
to evacuate the park.
-Got it.

You know what would be
a good way

to get the people
out of the park?

No tanks.

-[sirens wailing]
-[sighs]

-[thuds]
-[roaring]

So, Commissioner Gordon,

this situation seems dire.

Are we finally
going to see those tanks

our taxpayers voted on?

No. That wouldn't be...

[mockingly] prudent.

Oh, boo. Why?

To minimize loss of life

because some jazz hippies

can't read
a goddamn email!

Well, in this
reporter's opinion

it looks like we are--

So fucked!

-[roaring]
-[screams]

[grunts]

[both grunting]

[growling and roaring]

Hey. Nice save,
Jerk-off League!

That's not our name at all.

[tree monsters groaning]

[roaring]

Ugh, how does she pull off
those clunky bracelets?

I know, it's like annoying.

Well, hey you know,
thanks for the help.

Harley and crew
will handle the rest.

Um... Hey!
Why am I tied up?

Because you
and your troublesome horde

are behind this anarchy.

What? Bullshit!

Harley Quinn,

I declare you
and your allies,

including that
elderly war criminal,

to be banished to...

[hesitantly]
You wanna say it

since it's your thing?

Thanks, Diana.

[loudly] To the Phantom Zone!

What? You gotta be shittin' me.

[Sy] Uh-oh,
oh, I'm seeing' the light.

Oh, my God!

I didn't think
I'd make it to Heaven

after what I did in...

Uh... Eh, well,

everywhere, I guess.

Mostly Asia.

We didn't do any of this.

They're tree monsters.

She controls the trees.

So...

[hesitantly] Uh...
You want to say it this time?

Sure. You're all going...

-[both choking]
-...to the Phantom Zone.

[both grunting]

-Now, Kal-El!
-[device beeps]

[all screaming]

Harley!

Make me tell the truth.

Poison Ivy,
did you do this?

We didn't do it.

We aren't responsible
for the tree monsters.

I secretly watch NASCAR.

I take long showers.

I think paper straws
are stupid and get
too soggy.

I was excited
for Jazz Fest.

[moans painfully]

Fine. I was very excited
for Jazz Fest.

[wind blowing]

-[all screaming]
-[thudding]

Oh, God!

Someone take this off me.

If you're not
responsible for this,

who is?

Oh, no!

[grunting]

[screams] No!

[grunts]

[straining]

[Queen of Fables]
Thirty years ago

you cosplaying assholes

trapped me in a book.

Time to return the favor.

[grunts]

[screams] You'll never
get away with--

Shut the hell up, sexy.

-[grunts]
-[screaming]

[Queen of Fables laughs]

Word of advice,

do not smell Rapunzel's hair.

Ain't no shower in that tower.

[Harley] Queen!
Oh, You really saved the day.

I guess not killin' ya
worked out pretty well.

Not really.

Quick question.
Can any of you fly?

-In a plane.
-Every night in my dreams.

-[Sy] Ha! outta diesel.
-No. I'm basically a rock.

Good.

[all screaming]

[laughing maniacally]

Mama's having
a productive day.

[cackles]

[all screaming]

[Harley] Ow!

Holy mackerel, we're up high!

I've never been this far
above sea level before.

All right. Calm down,
calm down, don't panic.

Here's a surefire trick
to combat,

uh, way-up-aphobia.

Pick a spot in the horizon
and stare at it.

Oh, wait,
that's for sea sickness.

What are we, on a cloud now?

[sighs] Yeah. Looks like
Fables' teamed up

with the Legion
to kill us.

God, she turned out
to be a bad friend.

Hey-hey,
I'm already bored up here.

Do your stupid plant thing
and get us the hell down. Okay?

You know I can't control
fairy tale plants,

you balding gremlin.

How would I have know that?

When would that have come up?

Actually, Fables
may have done us a solid.

Seems much safer up here
than down there.

[giant] Fee fi fo...

Ah, fuck me.

[giant] ...fum.

I smell the blood
of small human scum.

Okay, we need a way down. Now.

I say we make like Jack,

climb down the beanstalk,

chop it down, kill the giant,

French kiss Rapunzel. Done.

keep your creepy
bionic hands off Rapunzel.

[giant] I'll grind your bones

to bake my bread!

Come on! How the hell
are we gettin' off this thing?

I know just what we need.

An idea.

Yes, who's got one?

[sighs] Okay.

I know who can help us.

Sy, give me your phone.

'Ey, wait, wait, wait,
not so fast.

-Give it.
-Is it a local call?

Just fuckin' hand it over.

[sniffs] Ugh!

What do you think, Bill-doe?

Any thoughts on this kite?

I'm kinda stuck
on this last piece, like...

Oh, check it out,
my girlfriend's calling.

What up, babe?

[whispers] It's Ivy.
It's my girlfriend.

Yeah, no,
I'm just designing a kite.

Yeah, trying to put my own
little spin-a-roonie on it.

Wha... What's that?

I'll head right over!

I... I love you.

She didn't say it back.

It's probably
just bad reception.

Plus, she probably
didn't want to say it

in front of her work friends.

[grunting]

Wait, you have Kite Man's
number memorized?

[loud footsteps approaching]

Oh, no, the giant's here.

[roaring]

[all screaming]

[yells]

[yelps]

You didn't...
You didn't answer
my question.

How do you know
his number?

Uh...

How big do you think
that giant's dick is?

I do want to
talk about that,

but answer my question.

[stomping]

[giant yells]

Fine. I'm...
I'm dating Kite Man.

What? [grunts]

[screaming]

Ha! Got ya!

You're dating Kite Man?

Why?

Uh...

You...You love him?

I haven't said, like,
"I love you" to him,

but, yeah,
I love him a little.

How do we not know about this?

[giant grunts]

Because you never asked.

-I mean, It's like...
-[cackling]

...if it's not about you...

you're not interested.

I wasn't even
trying very hard

to keep it a secret.

I kept coming home,

reeking of kite,

leaves in my hair.

Didn't you ever think
that was weird?

You seriously
didn't know, Quinn?

Show of hands for everybody
who knew. Bingo.

[Clayface screams]

-[Sy] Oy vey!
-[King Shark] Watch your hand!

[laughs maliciously]

[groans]

Ho!

[all] Kite Man!

Oh, yeah.

I tossed a hot sauce
packet at him

that I found
inside my pants.

It's Sriracha.

[all screaming]

Our fave, babe.

[screaming continues]

I gotcha.

[all screaming]

-Ah!
-[Kite Man] Ha!

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

-[thuds]
-[grunts]

Thanks, babe.

I never got
the kite thing until now,

but it is quite majestic.

[Kite Man] Uh. Might want to
hold on tight there, gang.

Looks like
your crew's packing
a few extra lbs.

Not you, babe.

You look bangin'.
As per ushe.

[yelling]

-[groans]
-[grunts]

Ugh!

[moaning passionately]

Thanks for the ride, babe.

Babe, anytime.

-Ugh!
-Oh, sick.

I can't get hold of
the Justice League.

But I found Scarecrow... wait.

Are you wearing a helmet?

Are you on a tank?

[scoffs] No,

I'm... riding my skateboard.

-What?
-The situation's gotten
more dire, all right?

Desperate times
call for... tanks.

-[laughing]
-Argh!

Men... and Cheryl,

let's remind these trees
what they're good for,

letting a dog piss all over--

[knocking]

Hey, Gordo. Love the helmet.

But I think
it'd look better on me.

[muffled mumbling]

Anyone have
a Class B commercial license?

Dude! You look so good
popping out of a tank.

It's mostly the helmet.
[chuckles]

[Harley] Scarecrow and those
Legion of Doom Dicks

were behind this
from the start.

And screw Fables
for joining 'em.

I hereby tender my resignation.

I hope it's
effective immediately

because I am squished.

[Clayface] Good Lord!

This tank shoots
invisible missiles.

What miraculous tech.

I didn't press the button.

Someone else
just blew it up.

But who?

[rattling]

[cackling]

What?

The Joker actually built
that stupid tower

to take over Gotham?

Although, he did use my idea

to have it pop
out of the ground.

Um... Yay?

Citizens of Gotham,

the Legion of Doom
used to stand for something.

Now, it's not
standing at all!

[laughs maniacally]

You can't see them,

but that joke killed
with the camera crew,

and they're the
toughest audience
to make laugh

and they see
this shit everyday.
Anyway.

The Legion of Doom
used to stand for something,

top tier evil.

But now,
they'll let in any, say...

second-rate clown

with a cheap dye job.

-[laughs maniacally]
-How dare he.

I go to a very
high-end salon weekly.

Harls, I've seen you neck deep

in six different bottles

of that bullshit you buy
at the drugstore.

Damn it, I forgot
you were here.

The Legion is no more.

Gotham, you deserve better,

someone with vision,

someone who speaks French,

moi, of course.

[laughs maniacally]

I'm calling it!

RIP, Gotham City,

time of death...

Right now!

[siren blaring in distance]

[laughing maniacally]

Oh. He's going down.

All right, everybody
back in the tank.

If you need to pee,
now's your chance.

[loudly] I want you
war-crazed lunatics...

[softly] ...and Cheryl,

[loudly] to unleash
holy hell on that tower.

Unleashing, sir.

-[growling]
-[tank cop screaming]

[screaming]

What the fuck!

[all screaming]

Uh. I hate to be a downer,

but we are completely
and utterly screwed.

Oh, I wore that well.

Hmm. Maybe I don't
hate being a downer.

Ooh, maybe I shouldn't
feel so much pressure

to put a positive spin
on things.

Well, I think
we fucked up

everyone that needed it.

[spits]

What is this
weak-ass drink?

This one of your jokes?

It's 1:30,

I'm not getting fucked up
on a Wednesday.

[yells] And by the way...

why is Harley still alive?

You said you
took care of them!

I threw 'em
on top of a beanstalk.

"Took care of"
means kill them.

Not beanstalk them!

I was trying to kill them,

just in a fun
and cinematic way.

That big-dicked giant
kills everything.

Apparently not!

You joined me,

because you said
you wanted to be

on the winning team.

Well, we can't win
until they're dead.

Fine. I'll kill 'em normal.

With the Justice League missing

and no sign of Batman,

we're all just
pawns in the hands
of a murderous psychopath.

[inaudible]

And what better hands to be in?

They're firm,
they're strong,

and they're covered in
soft, soft gloves.

In other news,

are hideous scars on your face
actually awesome?

And yet, they're only

the second
most evil news network.

Right guys?

-Anyone?
-We gotta get those trees

away from the tower
so we can stop Joker.

Perhaps, I could
take on the role

of an arborist

and slowly
trim them back to death.

It could take years,

but this green-thumbed
plant enthusiast

is up to the challenge!

Yeah, okay, you know what,

I'm gonna go
and draw the trees away

from the tower.

Ive, be, uh, you know,
careful and shit.

You too. And shit.

Come on, babe.

Let's go mow that lawn.

So this guy
really does it for you?

You know, one-on-one...

[hesitantly] he... He...

Uh... [sighs]

Uh, fuck you, Psycho!
I don't know.

[soft happy music plays]

[panting]

Are you okay?

Kite Man doesn't
run a lot. [gasping]

Uses kites, mostly. Phew!

This water
made the plants huge,

and I am part plant.

So, it could have
the same effect on me.

I know I can't stop you
from doing this,

so in case it kills you

or gives you
really bad diarrhea...

-Um...
-...I couldn't live
with myself,

-if I didn't ask you...
-Wait, what are you...

...this special question.

[Poison Ivy] Oh, dear.

Will you do me
the honor of making me...

-Mr...
-There's no box.

...Poison Ivy?

Um... Uh...

[stuttering]
You know what, let's...

Let's circle back on this?

Just maybe
after the apocalypse?

Right?

[kisses]

[sighs softly]

Not a no.

Hell, yeah!

All right, guys.

Look, I know
none of this
is your fault.

And I'm sorry for what
I'm about to do.

I promise I'll plant,
like, so many of you

once this is over. Okay?

[growling]

[groans]

[grunts]

[tree monster grunts]

Sorry.

[tree monster groans]

[roars]

Oh!

God, it was just a kid.

[tree monsters growling]

[Harley] Come on!

Got time for one last
bedtime story?

Why would you
work for Joker?

'Cause unlike you,

he's a real evil sonovabitch.

Well, I'm evil enough
to bash your head in.

Tell that shit
to my grandma.

My, what big eyes she has!

[roaring]

Wait a minute!

That's no grandmother!

[growling]

[grunts] Sorry!

Ah, sorry!

[groans]

[tree monster screeches]

Ah, sorry for that too!

[yelping]

I have an idea!

[roars]

[gasps]

Oy! Bubby,

it is I,

Grandfather Wolf.

Okay.

First, that's a male wolf...

-[growling]
-...dressed like an elderly

human female.

Second, why is
your wolf Jewish?

-I took a swing.
-[growling]

Stop with this
meshugenah nonsense!

[screams]

-[screaming]
-I'll handle this.

[wolf grunts]

[growling]

-[grunts]
-[growls]

Ow!

Oh! Argh!

[screaming]

-[snarling]
-[grunts]

We're back on top.

No more sucking dick
under bridges for you.

Well, I mean,
unless you're into that shit.

Come here.

Good boy, Grandma.

Took you long enough.

Did you bring Mama
Harley's head?

Let me see the head!

Hiya, Queenie.

Hmm. Props.

[grunts]

Ah, shit...

Oh, my god!

I did not know
her head would pop off.

How did you manage
to hollow out the
innards of that beast?

Well, a lot of people ask me

who would win between
a wolf and a shark.

It's a shark.

[menacing music plays]

[Dr. Psycho] Wow!

Okay.

-Hey.
-Whoa! Ive! You look great.

Oh. You think?

I didn't go too big or...

No way. you're pulling it off!

I mean, honestly,
you could've gone bigger.

-Really?
-Thirty bucks

if you put me
in your pocket.

What? I got a type!
You knew this.

[roaring]

[Harley screams]

[growling]

[Poison Ivy] Ahhh!

[grunts]

-[screaming]
-Gotcha!

Thanks, Ive!

Wow. You risked your life

and killed trees for us.

And I thought you didn't love
anything more than trees.

Yeah, well, you know,

I guess there are
a handful of exceptions.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not great
at having people

who are actually
good to me in my life.

Same. Most people are trash.

I promise I'll do better,

if you're willing'
to give me a shot.

[inhales]

Wouldn't it be
messed up

if I ate you right now?

[both laughing]

[metal whooshes]

[groans]

[gasps] Ive!

[laughs maniacally]

[groans]

[moans]

Keep your eyes open, Ive!

Don't leave me!

We still got so much
ass kicking' to do!

[breathless] Harley...

I can't...

[gasps]

[shuddering]

[sobbing]

[cackling] Oops.

[screams]

[Joker laughs maniacally]

[Joker continues to laugh]

[sad music playing]