Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Final Joke - full transcript

[theme music playing]

[screams]

[Poison Ivy] Gotcha!

I'm not great at having people
who are actually good to me
in my life.

Same. Most people are trash.

Wouldn't it be messed up
if I ate you right now?

[both laughing]

-[groans]
-Ive!

[Poison Ivy groaning]

Ive, don't leave me.

We still got so much
ass-kicking to do.



Harley...

I can't.

[sobbing]

[Joker laughing]

Oops!

[laughing continues]

[laughing continues]

[laughing fades]

Harley, uh, a few words?

[stifled sobs]

Let her grieve.
I've prepared
a little something.

[clearing throat]

-[Harley sobbing]
-We have gathered today

to pay respects
to our beloved friend.



Her death was not
an empty sacrifice.

And, of my friend,
I will say just this.

Of all the souls
I have met
on my journeys,

hers was the most...

-human. [sobs]
-[Harley sobbing]

Wow, that, uh... [sniffles]
Wasn't awful.

As apropos a speech now

as when it was
originally delivered

by William Shatner's
Captain James Tiberius Kirk

in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.

[Dr. Psycho] Mmm-hmm.
All right.

[Frank sobbing]

Goodbye, my dear fiancee.

[Frank wailing]

Who's gonna water my roots?

[sobbing]

I don't trust
any of these assholes.

[Harley sobs]

You'll be missed.

[Harley crying]

She's a doctor, damn it!
Who chiseled this shit?

[screaming]

No, no, no.

What're ya...
What are you doin'?

He doesn't want you
to follow Ivy to the grave.

So that's it? We're just
supposed to sit here
twiddling our thumbs?

Well, unless you got
some kind of actual plan,
I say yes.

Yes. I got one.

Ooh, does it involve
indiscriminate smashing
of other people's property?

-No.
-Aw!

When no one believed
in me, Ivy did.

She always wanted me
to get rid of this asshole,
so that's what I'm gonna do.

Still not a plan.

I'm workin' on one.

Come on, come on.

-Jim, what's wrong?
-Nothing.

My marriage is totally fine.

[sighs] I mean
the situation on the street.

Oh, that's a shit show.

Unlike my marriage,
which is rock-solid.

-Right.
-[door opens]

Ugh, what is the point
of having an elevator
if it doesn't work?

Quinn, what are you
doing here?

I wanna take down Joker.

I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...
we need to work together.

I work alone.

What about me?

-Not now, Jim.
-[groans]

No one knows Joker
better than you and me.

[breathlessly] I've got a file
on him. I'll be right back.

Look, we put
our heads together,
we can beat him.

And then you can
go back to doing
whatever it is you do.

I'm not teaming up with you.
You should be locked up
in Arkham.

Joker killed Ivy,
took over Gotham,

and cut off your bat nuts!

-Hmm.
-Help me!

You're never gonna
believe this. [panting]

Found Joker's file,

but he replaced it with
one of those greeting cards
that plays music.

[music playing]

What a tricky
son of a so-and-so.

-[laughs]
-If I say yes to this,

what do you bring
to the table, Quinn?

The thing he wants most.

[mechanical whirring]

[camera whirring]

[Joker over speaker] Who is it?

I've already donated.

Oh, Harley. [laughs]

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, seein' as
it's your birthday and all,
I got you a gift.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

I mean, especially after
what I did to Ivy.

You must be
very upset with me.

Of course I'm referring to
the "murdering her on purpose."

Oh, I hate you
more than you'll ever know.

But I'm also practical.

You won, and I wanna be
on the winnin' side.

Oh, Harley,
how positively mature of you.

I know, real growth.

I thought maybe we could
patch things up

over a steamin' cup of...

Batman.

Oh, Harley, this... [laughs]
This is amazing.

For the man who has everything,

you found the one thing
I wanted and didn't have!

[Clayface in sing-song voice]
He's buying it!

Just keep your mouth shut.

Well, happy birthday to me!
[laughing]

Of course,
no birthday's complete

without my special
birthday song.

What do you say, Harls?

For old time's sake?

[clearing throat]

To my puddin'.

♪ Happy birthday to you!♪

-♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
-♪ Happy birthday... ♪

Would you look at this
dumbass son of a bitch.

Don't sing!

-♪ Happy birthday... ♪
-♪ Happy birthday
Clown prince of evil! ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you!♪

♪ And many more! ♪

Wait a minute.
That's not Batman!

Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

God damn it!

[beeps]

[chuckles]

[Joker laughing]

Keep banging away.

You'll never get away
with this.

Nighty night, Batman.

[laughing]

Grab them!

[laughing]

[all screaming]

[Joker] That's right, Harley!

Run away! [laughing]

[screams]

[screams] Make it stop!

Oh, my God!

[screaming]

[Joker] Don't handi-crap
your pants. [laughing]

[Clayface exclaiming]

[splutters]

No, Nurse,
I said to prick his boil!

[police siren wailing]

[gun cocking]

[Joker's voice] Cuckoo!
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

[Joker laughs]

[Joker laughs]

-Ugh!
-[electricity crackling]

Take that...

-[Batman grunts]
-And that.

And that.

Yawn!

Who would've thought
my 25th birthday month
would be so blah.

-Maybe I'm having
a quarter-life crisis.
-[cork popping]

[screams] What the hell
are you doing?

Celebrating!

Think of all you've
accomplished in 38 years.

I'm 25, and you know
how I feel about
champagne corks.

That could've hit me
in the eye.

Sorry about that.

So, what shall we do now, boss?

Maybe we build
a giant maze, yeah?

Dose the people in it
with fear toxin? [chuckling]

[groans] You are so
one note, bag head.

[laughs] After Harley and I
got disruptive, you know
how we'd celebrate?

Uh, fondue?

"Fondue"? No!

By getting more disruptive!

Like kidnapping Gordon
and eating sushi

off his lumpy, naked body.

[sighs] I was picking hair

out of my teeth for weeks.

And now I'm doing this,

which should be tons of fun,
but I'm bored.

What is wrong with me?

You're a sociopathic
narcissist. [screams]

It was rhetorical, asshole!

And who do you think you are,
a psychiatrist?

Let's find out.

-What?
-Bloody hell!

[stammers] It's billionaire
playboy Bruce Wayne.

[hysterically] No!

[breathing heavily]

Are you shitting me!

What is wrong with you?

Don't you think
I would have done that
had I wanted to?

Half the fun
of our relationship
was the mystery!

Now I know Batman is just
some boring rich asshole
with parental issues.

That's really reductive.

Thanks for ruining
the funnest thing
I had going.

Now I don't even
feel like torturing him.

[stutters] Sorry, I thought
it might be the kind of thing
Harley would do.

I don't care about Harley!

[stammers] I'm sorry, look,
I must've misread the situation

when you kept saying her name
and reminiscing about
all your memories together.

Over and over and over and--

[screaming]

[groans] Not even that was fun.

WayneTech promised
an electric car by this year.

I put a deposit down.

Where's my goddamn
electric car, Bruce?

The guy at the flower shop
said black roses
don't exist in nature,

so I had to dye these.

Just wanted you to have
a little bit of me
in the ground with ya.

Oh, Ive!
I miss you so much!

If you can hear me,
just give me a sign.

-Harley?
-[exclaims]

Hey there. I was just
taking a little catnap
back here on the ol' rock.

[stammers] Are you living here?

I don't know
if I'd call this "living."

You're damn right.
I'm an indoor plant.

I'm supposed to get
indirect sunlight.

I just hate the thought
of leaving Ivy alone.

Hey, what...
Why aren't you hiding?

Bounty's up to... Oh, man!
That's a lot of zeros.

But why does he want
your ass alive?

It's obvi. To make her watch
her crew get executed.

Wait, what?

Yeah. He's gonna execute them
and then after,
he's throwing an '80s party.

You don't have to dress up
but it's strongly suggested.

God, so many iconic
'80s looks to choose from.

I wanna go "Thriller"

but I don't wanna be the third
"Thriller" in line for
the potato salad. You feel me?

[Harley] They're doing it
at sundown tonight!

Oh. I'm not gonna
let this happen.

Uh, how are you gonna stop
Joker by yourself

when you couldn't even
do it with Batman?

I don't know.
I need a minute to think.

-One Mississippi,
two Mississippi...
-[Kite Man humming]

-...three Mississippi...
-Can you...

Can you not be here right now?

Like, you want me to
go over by that tree, or...

You know, I know I said
I don't live here,
but I sort of do.

Just give me a sec
with Ive, okay?

Ive, what I'm gonna do
may be a suicide mission.

If I don't see you back here,

maybe I'll see you
on the flip side.

[exhales] All right,
here goes nothing.

[Joker imitating alarm]

Hey!

Oh, hey, Harley.

I was just... [clears throat]
Finishing Infinite Jest.

Are you familiar with it?

Spine looks pretty intact.

[stutters] Well, I have
a digital copy, too.

Anyway, are you here
for the big execution?

There ain't gonna be
an execution.

Flyers say there is.
Right before the live
'80s cover band.

Their version of
"Sweet Child O' Mine"
is... [laughs]

-It's okay.
-Release my friends.

Or what?
I have a whole army
inside this sick-ass tower.

[laughing]

What leg do you have
to stand on?

It seems like
you really want me alive,

so, if you don't
do what I say...

I'm gone.

-[elevator music playing]
-[floor indicator beeping]

[elevator dings]

Welcome to my penthouse.

[laughs] It's got
all the amenities.

Central air, 360-degree views,

and a couple of horny tigers.

[roaring]

What the hell do you
want from me?
Where's my crew?

[chuckling]

I want you to put this on.

[laughing]

Come on, remember
how much fun you had
in that costume?

No.

I didn't have fun.

You were the one having fun.

It wasn't till
I got away from you

that I realized
how deeply un- fun
being with you was.

So I would rather
blow myself up
and take you with me

than go back to being
your sidekick and wearing
that fuckin' costume!

Well, you could.
Certainly an option.

Only fly in the ointment is
if you blow yourself up,

-you'll take your crew
with you.
-[beeps, whirs]

[Joker laughing]

So, how about
you make this easy and put...

the outfit...

on.

-[Clayface, King Shark, Sy]
Don't do it.
-Do it.

So, I put this on,
you let them go?

And if you don't...
[laughing]

I kill them.

[chuckles] Oh, there she is!

Harley Quinn original recipe.

Why'd you have to go
and mess with a classic?

Are you gonna let
my crew go, or what?

I'm a man of my word.

Buh-bye.

[crew screaming]

[distant screams continue]

[groans]

She gave her life
so that we may live.

[tearfully] Goodbye, Harley.

Okay, I'm in the costume.
So what's the plan?

Want me to make you
a chocolate cake,

-put on Legally Blonde,
call you "puddin'"?
-[laughing]

Harley, I've got the city
by the balls.

The cops are mine.
Batman's tied up and gagged.

I have everything
a man could want.

But I'm not happy.

And do you know why?

Because you're a textbook
sociopathic narcissist

with a chemical imbalance
in your parasympathetic
nervous system?

Hey, that's what Batman said.

Hey, Batman,
she said the thing you said.

Anyway, no. The reason
I wasn't happy

was because
we weren't together.

It wasn't until
I got everything...

that I realized
it means nothing

without you by my side.

Really?

Harley, you're the missing
piece to my happiness.

I knew you'd be back.

I guess I could never
stay away from my puddin'.

-[stabbing]
-[both grunting]

You were always so unoriginal,
stealing my ideas.

Fuck you! This is for Ivy.

Ha!

[both grunting]

[Joker laughs]

[roaring]

[yelping]

[Joker laughing]

[screaming]

Did you really think
I was gonna believe
that bullshit

about me being
the missing piece?

[chuckles]
But that was all true!

You see, I only have
one weakness. You.

And when you're the most
powerful man in the world,
there's no room for weakness.

And so, my only option

is to... [chuckling]
Get rid of you.

Then do it. Kill me!

[laughs] Do you take me
for a basic bitch?

If I were I to kill you,

you'd live on forever,
an emotional martyr in my soul.

So I'm going to erase you
from existence.

Pick her up. Follow me.

[Harley grunts]

[bubbling]

[gasps, strains]

I made the mistake
of creating you,

and now I'm going to
undo that mistake.

This acid will erase all that
makes you Harley Quinn.

You'll be a nobody.
A blank canvas.

A stranger on the streets.
[chuckling]

Normal.

Don't do this.

If you wanna kill me, kill me,
but don't do this!

Should've thought of that
before you made me
fall in love with you.

[Joker] It's time.
But don't worry,

you won't remember a thing.

[gasps softly]

Let me jump.

Let this last act
of Harley Quinn be my own.

You owe me at least that.

[chuckles] Sure. Go nuts.

Goodbye, Harley Quinn.

[bubbling continues]

Wait a minute.
Did anyone hear a splash?

I've fallen in acid
enough times to know that
there should be a splash.

You're right
about that, puddin'.

How did you...

Wait. Where are
those vines coming from?

Oh, fuck.

I knew I should've
harpooned you in the head!

One in the head,
one in the heart.

It's Harpooning 101.

[both scream]

-Guess who's next?
-[grunts]

Harley... [chuckling]
You don't wanna do this.

We can rule Gotham together.

[laughing hysterically]

You're nothing without me!

You always tried to make me
think that, but it's not true!

I have friends that love
and care about me.

I'm moving on with my life
with the people that matter.

And that ain't you, puddin'.

-Drop him.
-Love to.

[whimpering] You don't
want to do this.

I've always supported
strong female

friendships! [screaming]

Oh, Ive! Oh, my God!

It was my tears, wasn't it?

My tears of friendship

fell on your grave
and brought you back to life!

Harls, I love you,
but we don't live
in a Disney movie, okay?

It was the renewing power
of nature that brought me back.

And, you know,
maybe the tears
helped a little, too.

[screaming]

[straining]

Oh, my God, he saved us.

He'll be okay, right?
I mean, he's Batman.

[uncertainly] Sure.
I mean, you know,
he's got the polymer suit

-with the--
-[loud crashing]

Oh, shit.
Let's get out of here.

[woman screams]

[screaming]

[Joker's laughter]

So, to summarize, good news,
Joker no longer rules Gotham.

Bad news,
thanks to an 8.6 earthquake,

there's no longer
a Gotham left to rule.

And Batman is missing.

More updates as we get them.

[distant siren wailing]

[Dr. Psycho] And I just want
the record to reflect

that I always
had faith in you, Harley.

Did not doubt it for a moment.

I did not feel the same way,
but am so glad I was wrong.

Harls, ya did it.

Justice League is gone,

same with the Legion of Doom,
and the Joker's dead.

Gotham is in complete chaos.

[Harley] It's so beautiful.

[distant siren wailing]

[Joker laughing]

[laughter subsides]

[theme music playing]