Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Being Harley Quinn - full transcript

Please! Please don't!
Come on, I got a family!

Now, that's just
a staging kill,

but if volcano sacrifices
is your thing,

this is the lair for you.

-I'll take it!
-Great!

-I'll draw up the papers--
-Aah... You know,
on the other hand,

is the giant skull a bit
too flashy for my brand?

Can we see some other options?

You'll love this one.
A short getaway from
all the major banks.

Sounds like a dream.
Where is it?

You're standing on it.



An intricate system of tunnels
carved by The Mole.

I mean, hey, I love it,
but am I really going
for a "mole lady" vibe?

Ah, okay. Next!

The last tenant, Mr.
Freeze, did a number on the place,

but the castle is perfect
for entertaining.

Hmm, not sure my nips

and her buds can handle
this cold.

You've seen six lairs.

Okay, thank you.

Let's just discuss this
out of the cold.

A super villain's lair
is a reflection of who
they really are.

So, who
is Harley Quinn?

That's a hard question to ans--

Harls, you got us uniforms!



Ooh, Suicide Squad!
Is that our name?

Ugh, it's a group that keeps
trying to get me to join.

I don't want to run lines
with you.

Good!
Because I despise that phrase.

People run marathons,
not lines.

Actors exchange true--

Look what Harley got us.

Ah! Ah! Come on!

Ivy, you're evicted!
You and the circus act here

need to move out
faster than sauerkraut
through my lower intestine.

Yes, Sy!
We're leaving in a minute.

Good. I'm showing
the place to--

That just cost you
your security deposit!

You know what,
why don't I come back
another time?

No, sorry, sorry,
don't go. Don't go.

Look,
it's just Joker made
the big decisions.

Okay. How about we ask you

some questions
and maybe that'll help?

Worth a shot. Why did you
first become a villain?

Well, you know, it's because--

There you go.
You know this answer.

-Uh, well...
-You know this.

I guess...

-I don't know.
-Oh, my God.

What villain do you
most admire?

- I don't know!
- Harley!

-Chocolate or vanilla!
-I don't know!

Harley! I can't help you,
until you tell me

who you are!

- I don't know! I don't know!
- I don't know!

Oh, shit. Harley?

Honey, can you hear me?

"Dry clean only."
Fuck this.

Okay, who broke Harley?

Harley, are you in there?

Dude?

Whoa! Stop!

Unmouth her, fiend!

I was just trying
to give her CPR.

Harley, snap out of it!
Come on!

Ah! No response
to physical stimuli.

It's probably
a level-four brain freeze.

Psycho, can you fix her?
Like, go in her brain

and do the fucking thing.

That sounds like something
a doctor could do.

But not someone
you just referred to
as "Psycho."

Ugh, fine,
Dr. Psycho!

Yes!

Can you fix her?

Can I fix her?
Of course I can fix her!

I'm just gonna slip
inside her brain,

do my thing, wham-bam,
thank you, ma'am--

and I'm done
in-a two minutes.

Oh, fucking gross! You think
I'm gonna let you creep around

Harley's head without us,
you perv?

-Yes! Perv!
-You're the perv!

But, as a professional,
I will tell you to prepare

because this is serious,
meticulous, neuron processing

we're about to undertake.

Now, everyone hold hands

and squeeze
your butt cheeks together.

Ahh!

Whoa! Everyone okay?

Where's Psycho?

Dr. Psycho!

What an ugly baby
I have birthed.

- Does he taste like fudge?
- In my dreams, he does.

Huh,
Harley's brain is much cleaner

and less Harley-ish
than I would have imagined.

I know! I know. Because this
is her Museum of Memories.

Oh! Look.

You came home late again, Nick,

smelling like alcohol
and whore.

She's just
a friend from work.

Stop breathing down
my neck, Sharon.

Can't breathe down
what's not there,

you cocksucker!

Mamma mia!

It's pretty good scene work
for a six-year-old.

I am honored to be
the valedictorian,

and I just want to thank
absolutely no one.

Fuck all of ya!

Fuck the principal.
Fuck the shop teacher

that looks at my ass
every time I walk out of class.

Yeah, I see you.

Have a great fucking summer!

I basically gave the same
speech at my sister's wedding.

-Ah! Harley!
-Oh, hey, guys.

Wait. How can Harley be in here

if we're in Harley,
and if Harley is--

Yeah, I wouldn't think too hard
about bringing logic
for the next 20 minutes.

We're just here to give you
a hard reboot.

- Ooh. Ow!
- Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, listen up.

While I find the switch,
you follow hooker rules.

-No kissing on the mouth?
-I'm sorry.

Stripper rules.

Look but don't touch.

The brain will protect itself
if it feels threatened.

Hey, Ive, I think there's
something really
screwed up about me.

I want to say this in just
the most loving way,

but, there's no way that this
is just occurring to you now?

No, I mean, screwed up on top
of the regular screwed up.

I mean, why can't
I make a decision?

Well, we're in
your mind right now,

so the answer has
to be here somewhere.

Oh, I remember this!

Okay, it's when that bleached
asshole pushed me

and bleached mine.
Look! Look!

Hey, it glitched and skipped
over Joker pushing me.

Wha-- It did it again.
Did you see that?

Whoa, that's weird.

It's like a piece
of your memory is missing.

Ive, this is my origin story.
It says so right here.

Look, your origin story's how
you become who you are.

If it's screwed up,
no surprise I am.

Ugh, let me see this.

Reboot time.

Um, I, uh, I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't-- Oh!

No one listens to me!

Who touched something?
Who did it?

Was I not clear about
the stripper rule?

I was just trying
to touch myself!

That is a stripper rule.

You triggered
a brain lockdown.

We need to get out
of here before--

Ah! Before that happens.
Now we're trapped.

Now, this apartment's
a beaut.

It's got a lot of light.
Perfect place for a fami--

Jesus Christ!

All right, the place isn't
ready. You'll come back
tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Why aren't you moving?
Tomorrow, get out. Get out!

You forgot the baby!

All right, let's see now.

- Let's see. Why do they print
the numbers so small?

Black Mamba, this is Gerbil,
it happened again.

No, no, no, no. The fuck?
Are we trapped in here?

You need to tell me right now
if we're trapped in here!

'Cause I'm gonna freak
the fuck out!

What's gonna happen
to my plants, man?

Girl, we need
to get you friends.

"Oh, we wanna come with you.

We're afraid you're gonna
mind molest her!"

Now who's
the mind molesters? You!

You are the mind molesters!

Ooh, are you lost, little girl?

No need for tears, munchkin.

I'll help you find your way.

Ow! Oh! Oh! Get off me!
Oh, stop!

This little child
is killing me!

Why did that sweet little you
attack me?

Oh, yeah, I wasn't sweet at
that age. Or any age, really,

but I was a total shit
back then.

Which is why the brain sent it.

It thinks we're intruders.

And yes, if we die
in Harley's mind,

we die in real life!

Ooh,
Nightmare on Elm Street
rules.

Do you have any insights
on what we should do here?

- Run!
- -Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

Exit with alacrity.

Harleys, this is Harley, stop!

God, I hate brain physics.

Hey, quit it and I'll tell you
where Mom hides the makeup.

Damn it.
I was sure that was gonna work.

Come on. Stop fucking around
and follow me.

We got an elevator.

You know, in a way,
it's almost, like,
comforting to know

that you've always been
this fucked up.

Yeah, isn't it? You know,
I'm starting to realize
why my mother recycled

so many wine bottles back then.

Fun as this has been,
let's get the fuck out
of here, all right?

There should be
an emergency exit

to the real world
in Harley's subconscious
somewhere,

which I think is this button

right here.

Okay, your stupid fin hit
the wrong button, dummy.

Do not
fin shame me.

He must have hit the button
to the optic nerve.

Ooh, looking through
the eyes of another.

Now it appears
we're playing by

Being John Malcovich
rules.

Another suicide cult.

If word gets out,
I'll never be able to rent
this fakakta apartment.

So let's make sure it doesn't.

Where's the bleach
and the bone saw?

No, no time for that.

And I'm not paying
to re-carpet this place.

-So we call our explosives guy.
-He exploded.

Well, I guess eventually,
the worms will get us all.

- Oy.
- Jesus.

Why not burn down the place
and take the insurance?

A little Jewish lightning
never hurt anyone.

A fire! Brilliant!

We'll burn the bodies
in this old furnace I own!

Oh, yes!

There's the Sy who armed
Bin Laden in the '80s.

Let's do this.

Close slutty Casper's eyes,
will ya?

Feels like she's watching me.

Sure thing, baby.

I can't believe Sy used
to be like a spy.

-He's so--
-Gross.

- You're looking for gross.
- Yeah, that's it.

What's "Jewish Lightning"?

Perhaps Black Lightning's
Israeli cousin.

Excuse me! But am I
the only one who heard

that they're gonna burn
our fucking bodies?

So, stop yapping
and do something!

Harley,

welcome to your subconscious.

-Step right.
-Guess your Wi-Fi password.

-Wack-an-insecurity.
-Try your hand at a game.

Take your chance.
Step right up.

Ugh, are you shitting me?

So I'm gonna go out on a limb

and say you're not
over your ex-boyfriend.

I mean,
are you sure that this glitch

is just
in your origin story?

Yes, you,
young lady,

the one with
the smeared lipstick

who is still clearly
obsessed with me.

Try your luck
at a game of skill?

Win Daddy's Love!

Yeah, don't bother
with that one.

Oh, I know it's rigged.

Come on! Everybody, spread out

and just look for
the emergency exit, all right?

Come on!

We are trapped!
What I wouldn't give

for a deus ex machina
right now!

Follow me. I know the way.

Sorry, you didn't get
that machina
you were talking about.

But at least,
that guy showed up

out of nowhere to save us
for no reason.

Hey, hey, this is it!
Thank you for helping us...

whoever the fuck you are.

Oh, my God! It's 11-year old
Frankie Muniz!

Hi, Harley.

He knows my name.
I could die!

Yeah, this isn't creepy.

No, it's not like that at all.

Yeah, you know, I had
a major crush on him
when I was a kid.

Well, I guess that's different.

Yeah, you know, I was planning
to kidnap him, marry him.

Then once we hit puberty,
I was gonna tell him that I was
taking birth control, but then,

like, not take it,

-and I get pregnant
with his kid!
-Mmm-hmm.

-And back to creepy.
-Yeah, I know what's
going on here.

He was Harley's truest love.

So, some small,
sane part of her brain sent

her a vision of him to help us.

That's right.
Good luck, Harley.

BTW, all those
times you stared at

my poster in your bedroom,
I was staring back.

-I knew it!
-Take care.

Let's go.

There's two geriatrics trying
to burn our bodies

before
NCIS comes on.

You know,
I forgot how much fun

moving and then
destroying dead bodies is.

Nothing gets the heart racing

like one that's stopped
completely.

Ah, Golda.

Do you ever regret not having
spy kids together?

Nah. I have normal kids
and normal grandkids.

I lead a normal life now, Sy.

Ah, well, what if it's
not too late?

Eh? I still have
my license to kill.

That's your AARP card.

Oh! Yeah, well, the kill thing
is in here somewhere.

I may be old, Golda,

but there's nothing
I can't handle.

Well, the neighborhood kids

don't call me Old Scary
Machine Man for nothing.

Now, there's a monster for you.

Come on, get that piece
of rust working.

Booyah!

Up! Up! And--

Hey, I'm out of diesel.

Come on, come on.

They're probably heating up
the furnace right now.

-Is that--
-Repressed Memory Island? Yeah.

That's where you keep all
your screwed-up memories.

Trust me, you do not want
to go anywhere near it.

Ive, remember the glitch
in my origins story?

Oh, so you think it's like

a repressed memory
or something?

Right. And it's on that island.

Oh, then we gotta go.

And what did I just say
about going to that island?

We are all going
to be burned to death

if we don't leave
your mind right now!

Okay, fine. Then you go.
I'm not leaving.

In the real world
I'm still catatonic,

drooling all over myself.

Okay, she made her choice.
Let's go.

-I'm going with Harley.
-Of course you are.

She's your only friend.

That's true.
But that's by design,

because she's the only
human being I think
is worth a shit.

Hey, Clayface,
how many acting jobs

did you get
before Harley gave you one?

Well, I filled in for the dog

that played Air Bud,
when he was run over

by me the second
to the last day of shooting.

-You know what? I'm in.
-And, Psycho,

who took you in
when literally,

the worst people
on the planet turned you away?

Fine! I'm in.

-And, King Shark, let's all
remember the time--
-I'm in!

Oh, thank God,
'cause I had nothing.

All right, Doctor,
help your patient.

All right, all right,
all right, I got a plan.

We'll have fun!
Hey, come play with us.

We'll have fun.

Come play with us.

If I go down, I'm taking
all you little shits with me!

Whoa!

That was not the plan!

We got
your back, Harls.

Oh, you guys.

We might be fucked.

You guys totally should
have left.

Harley Quinn,

it has been the utmost pleasure
to serve in your company.

Clayface, no!

I love you, Frankie.

Give me babies!

Well, hello, it is I,
Frankie Muniz!

I love you, Frankie.

Ah, screw this.

Now, how the hell are we gonna
get to that island?

I cannot believe this.
I mean, it is just the most
unlikely set of circumstances

that would put me
about 70% shark, in a situation

that pretty much demands
a mostly shark man.

Oh, we made it!

Is it me, or is it getting
kind of warm around here?

Sy, the fire's good and hot.

Then what are we waiting for!
Let's get to cremating!

Cremate!

♪ Crem-ing in the at-ing ♪

♪ And we're at-ing
in the crem-ing ♪

♪ We''re going in the fire ♪

Why does it look like Arkham?

Because your sick brain
is trying to lock up memories

so vile that you repress them,
so do not look--

Okay, why do I even try?

When's Daddy done
with his business meeting?

That's enough.

"If you violate
the restraining order again,

Mr. Muniz will
take legal action."

Muah! See ya soon, Frankie.

So that's why I went to juvie.

Here we are, puddin'.
Dive in as Harleen Quinzel,

and rise as Harley Quinn!

My beautiful creation.

Okay, look, here it comes.
Here's when that piece of shit

pushes me in he acid.

If you love me,
then jump!

And you'll be mine forever.

A dream come true, puddin'.

Wait! No!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you okay?

This whole time
I thought he pushed me.

That it wasn't my choice.

But it... it was.

Whoa, so you told yourself
it was out of your control?

Yeah, because it was easier

to blame him than accept
the truth.

And the truth being,
what, exactly?

That it was always my choice.

That I was in control
all along.

And I still am.

If you love me, then jump.

And you'll be mine forever.

-Hard pass.
-Wha-- what?

I said no, idiot.

But you have to jump,
you can't change this.

I mean, it's already happened.
It's your origin story!

Wrong.
It's not my origin story.

My real origin story
didn't happen here.

It happened in your lair.

Uh, I wasn't
wearing this costume.

And believe me,

I wasn't saying
you were a dream come true.

I was saying,
"Go fuck yourself!"

Harley, stop this nonsense. I--

I know you think
you created me, but no one did!

My fucked-up parents
didn't make me the way I am.

Neither did Jessica Sarner

when she fucking lied
to the whole camp

and said I lost my virginity
to a horse!

A horse!

Or, those cops
who questioned me for hours

- about what happened
to Jessica Sarner.

And you sure as hell

didn't fucking
create me, puddin'.

Yeah? Well, I named you.

You got Harley Quinn
out of Harleen Quinzel?

Nice work, genius!

You didn't make me, Joker.
I made myself.

But you can't change
your memories!

This isn't
Eternal Sunshine rules.

My mind. My rules.

Sanity restored.

Kinda. Thanks, gang.
I owe you everything.

Has anyone seen Clayface?

No! Because her little
psycho shits killed him!

Did not!

Apologies for the disguise.

I had to "go native" to thwart
Harley's younger demons.

Oh, we're just glad
you're alive.

Thank you, frie--
Oh, I'm getting hard!

Please!

My phallus is not erect.
It's my leg.

Oh, no, he's in the furnace!

Aah! Come on! Come on!
To the exit, now!

And a one and a two--

They're still alive.
Damn it, Sy.

This is Peru all over again.
I'm outta here.

What do you mean, "Outta here"?
Where're ya going?
Where're ya going?

- I'm done with this shit.
- Don't be done.

We're in the middle of a thing.

-No, I'm at the end.
-You were always a quitter!

Oh, and you tried to kill us.

Nonsense! What are you--
What are you doing?

You looked cold.

So I did what any
good citizen would do.

I brought you to a dead mall

and heated you up in
an abandoned pizza oven.

You're welcome.
We're done here.

This is it. Guys, we found it.

What? Like hepatitis?

No, our new lair.

Look, it doesn't matter
what it is.

'Cause the lair doesn't
define us.

We define the lair.

Uh-huh. Can we define
a different one?
This one's gross.

No, this one's free.

The hell it is.

This premium
shopping destination

runs 100 grand a month.

I'm offering a dollar.
And I won't kill you right now

for trying to burn us alive.

Deal. On one condition.

You let me come along
on some of your heists.

Lugging around your dead husks
made me feel alive again.

I want back
in the game, baby!

Well, you did manage to carry

six bodies to a pizza oven.
I mean, that's not nothing.

-Deal.
-Hey!

-Oh!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry.
It happens all the time.

Anyone have
a Philips head?