Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Finding Mr. Right - full transcript

- Damn,
that was good!

Who has two hands
covered in unwashable ink?

Uh, this girl!

We just made
that bank our bitch!

Dude! That was
a Noguchi coffee table.

Uh, sorry. But hey!

Now you can buy
a bunch of 'em!

-Guch! Guch! Guch!
-You know you can
just hand me some money.

You don't have to make it rain.

It's Noguchi!

I'm gonna go
make some nettles tea.



Oh, man. This was
our best heist yet.

And we hit the perfect tone!

Like, okay,
everyone in the bank
was super scared of us,

but like not so much that
they weren't also delighted

when I just cartwheeled out.

I'm sure everybody on the news
is talkin' about it.

I hope we didn't miss
too much of the coverage.

Batman stops Joker
from robbing the credit union.

Credit union?
That's just a poor person bank.

We robbed a real one

with a vault, and money, and
predatory lending practices!

No, the news
probably did us first.

Here, try Channel 7.

- And Batman foils--
Just let me look.



We're the most
compelling story,

so they're probably
saving us for last.

And now our last
and most compelling story.

Enter, us!

-Turn up the volume!
-It's about damn time.

A cardboard box
of baby ferrets

has finally been returned
to their rightful owners.

Oh, boy.

You have been here two weeks

and you have
destroyed nine TVs.

Sorry.

I'm just pissed.

Why aren't they
talkin' about us?

It should be our faces
on that screen!

We should be those ferrets!

You guys, like,
realize you're committing
serious felonies, right?

Like, you actually don't want
people to know who you are.

- Or--
- No.

No "or". I just
gave you great advice.

But, there's only one thing
stopping us from
being front page news.

No one's trying to stop us.

Of course!

Joker has Batman

and suddenly a simple crime

becomes a thrilling narrative
between two titans.

Exactly. We need a nemesis!

Lex Luthor has Superman.

Sinestro has Green Lantern.

Psycho has his own inability to
refrain from using the c-word.

My nemesis is Wonder Woman,
that cu--

Okay, I see what you're saying.

That's it then!
I need a nemesis.

-Great advice, Ive.
-No.

That's 100% not--

Alrighty.

So our profile page
on Find-a-Nemesis dot com

- has been up for a day
and we have...

Zero messages?

Clayface, did you
use my hairbrush?

- No.
- What the hell?

You're messing up my apartment!

Your apartment?
It's my apartment!

And if your
dirty circus freak friends
keep messin' it up,

I'm kickin' ya out.

You know the rules:

no pets, no noise,
no commies, no d--

I don't know if he was
gonna get racist there,

but it felt like
that's where it was headed.

I thought robots were
supposed to be helpful.

Right?

He's not a robot,
he's a disabled person.

Anyway. You stained
all my carpeting.

And you came home drunk
and tried to mind-control
the microwave,

and burnt a hole
through the countertop.

That microwave
knows what it said.

Dammit, Sy!
I will move the trash bins--

Oh my God!

Ow?

Harley! Oh, oh, oh.

This is a
classic misunderstanding.

Bat down. Bat down.

-This is King Shark.
-Howdy.

Hacker extraordinaire and,
perhaps more pertinent,

social media maven.

Uh, this giant, terrifying,
half man, half-shark
is a computer whiz?

I don't like to brag,

but he took me from
eight social media followers

to eight... teen. Bravo!

I called him to solve
our nemesis problem.

Mmm... I'm guessing
you're the one having trouble
finding a nemesis.

Well, we put the profile up and
we're not gettin' any bites.

Is that a shark joke?

If so, it's very funny.

Now scooch. Let me
take a look at that profile.

Hmm. Okay, now
here's your first problem.

You're not using
any of the right keywords.

I'll hack into the mainframe
and get you featured.

How long's this going to take?

- There you go.
Got your first match.

Who the hell
is Tommy Tomorrow?

He's got a
personalized ray gun.

He says he's looking
for something casual.

Someone to fight
on the weekends.

I am not settling
for Tommy Tomorrow.

I wanna nemesis-up!

You're not gonna find
any A-listers on here.

There's no Batmen.

Or... we get Batman!

Batman? You have
fought him countless times

and every time
ya end up at Arkham.

I know another way
and by the end of it,

Bats will be our nemesis.

-I don't know.
-Unlikely.

Yes, yes, yes.

Woo-hoo!

Ha!

You've crossed the line, Quinn.

-You're going
to Arkham for goo--
-Buh-bye!

Yeah!

Ta-da!

How the hell
did you pull this off?

The car's voice activated,

so I took some recordings
of Bats' voice

and spliced 'em together.

Open Batmobile
allow Harley to drive.

He also said...

I definitely make love to bats.

-Ha!
-Heavens to Murgatroyd.
He admits it!

The
signature grappler!

The bat-eth hath arrived-eth.

Success!

Stop talking, I gotta make
an evil first impression.

Shit, I shoulda thought of
an opening line.

Uh. Good after-doom?

Pleasure to beat ya?

-What the...
-Not so fast, losers!

-Oh, come on.
-Robin? What are ya doing here?

Where's Batman?

You think Batman has time
to deal with you guttersnipes?

You're lucky
I even showed up.

Oh, was Batman
too busy doin' this?

I definitely make love to bats.

Shut up and battle me, nards.

Oh god, last week I was
in the fucking Legion of Doom

and now this is my life.

We're not battlin'
a 12 year-old from
the fuckin' Ren Faire.

I was raised by an elite group
of assassins from birth.

You're a clown.

And an old one at that.

What are you, 30?

Ow!
You little shit!

Hey! What are you doing?
Put me down!

Tell Batman
we're coming for him.

...well, Tawny,
then Harley said,

"I'm coming for you."

'Course then
we had a huge battle.

-Mm-hmm!
-Tons of punching.

-Mmm!
-Some lasers. Lotta lasers.

Boy, stop it!

When I beat her butt,

that's when she asked me
to be her nemesis.

- Your first nemesis
at just 12-years old.

Now, are you
a little sweet potato pie?

'Cause I could just eat you up!

Yeah. I'm a little
sweet potato pie.

Oh!

He's just so cute!

Ah, I gotta tell ya.
I think he's adorable.

You know what,
this one's on me.

I shoulda known
that this was gonna
put you in a smashy mood.

Robin's lying.
Why would I fight a kid?

I want a nemesis with
some hair on their chest!

Well,
that rules out Batman.

Catwoman says
he waxes everything.

You know what?
It's gonna be fine.

Maybe this story
will run one news cycle
and be gone.

I don't think so.

You just got a Google alert
for an article

from the Lois Lane.

And the headline is...
Never mind.

Let me see that!

"Harley Quinn Fights Child,
Sets Evil Women's Movement
Back Decades."

Well, the headline
is clickbait,

but I bet the article itself
is more positive.

Really?
You think that?

No, shit!
It's behind a paywall.

Does anyone have a login
for the Daily Planet?

Nope. I already burned through
my five free articles.

I can't subscribe
to another thing.

My inbox is already
swollen with--

Well, I'm not payin'
7.99 a month

to see shit like this!

Let's just kill her.

-Or...
-No. No more "or."

Or we kidnap her
and make her
retract the article.

You can't fuck
with Lois Lane, people.

What if Superman comes?

Great. Then I'll have the most
powerful nemesis in the world.

Oh, brother.

I don't
retract articles,

and I'm definitely not writing
a puff piece about...

What was your headline?

It's Harley Quinn,
number one supervillain
in the many multiverses,

still hasn't committed
to a nemesis,

much less Robin the Boy Wonder,

or any nemesis
that's boy or bird based.

Ya can punch it up if ya want.
You're the writer.

Thanks. No.

Okay, then I'm gonna
have to kill ya.

Okay, go ahead.

I need to remember
to keep my mouth closed
when I bust through walls.

-I've been tellin' ya that.
-Holy shit! It's Supes!

King Shark, get the camera.

Livestream me
fightin' Superman.

My new nemesis.

Okay, you're live.

Hey, Superman!

Come get Lois Lame
before I make her a deadline!

That made sense, right?

Is she mad about
the paywall too?

Seven nintey-nine is
an ambitious price point.

And it doesn't include
the crossword, which is ridic.

Ya gonna fight me or what?

Everybody duck.

You were ill-advised to think
you could get away from me,
Harley Quinn.

- Aww!
- Oh god!

Again?

Hey, sport.

I fail to find
the humor in this.

No need to
be nervous, kiddo.

Just step into the box.
You got this!

You're embarrassing me
in front of my nemesis.

Actually I'm not currently
committed to anyone,

but y'know, Supes,
if you're avail, I'm...

Flattered, but I have
a pretty full dance card.

Leave us be, boy scout.

I'm sure there's
a cat up a tree somewhere.

A cat up a tree.

Isn't this just
the cutest thing ever?

Lois, you okay
if the little guy
takes it from here?

Yeah, whatever.
We still doing sushi tonight?

You know how I... roll.

Do me a favor.
Can you untag me
from this whole thing?

You ready to do battle, Quinn?

Let's go.

That's right.

Run away! Fear me!

That was the
most humiliatin' t--

Oh my god, Ivy!
You're pregnant? Oh!

This is gonna be
so bad for your career,

but so good for your Instagram.

No. All this shit is for you.

Aww. No baby?

Nope. No baby.

But there is a card.

And it was addressed to you,

so I didn't open it because
I'm not a rude person.

Congrats on Robin the cradle.

From all your

never-gonna-be-your-friends
at the Legion of Doom.

Well,
this room was missing
a dusting of ash everywhere.

All right, that's it.
Enough of this shit.

We're killin' Robin.

Harley, you can't kill him.

You don't think I can
kill a 12-year-old?

Oh, okay.

Well, I will smash in his face

with a bat
like a watermelon!

Oh, no, no.
I believe you have
the ability to kill him.

What I'm saying is,

if you do it, you validate
what everyone's saying.

That Robin's your nemesis.

Also, you'd be a child killer,

which some may argue is worse.

Unless...

Ah, you've got that "or" face.

Just... Can you make
your eyebrows normal?

-I've...
-Yes?

No no, I wasn't
sayin' your name.

I was sayin' "I've"
as in I've got a plan.

Listen shark-man,
get in the tank.

All you gotta do is swim around

and scare the kid so bad
he admits he's lying.

Oh, I-I'm not
that kind of shark.

I'm more of
the tech savvy kind.

It's fine.

I can play
the role of shark
if he won't.

Roar!

'Tis I,
the violent type of shark!

Straight from
the beaches of Amity!

Fear my rows of teeth,
my unpredictable nature.

Yeah, that's offensive
in a number of ways.

I-I'll just be the shark.

But, just to
double check here.

I-I'm not gonna
do any biting, right?

'Cause I do not
do well around blood.

No blood.

You're just supposed
to scare him.

I got him!

You're gonna die, Robin!

Admit it!
Admit we never battled.

I never asked you
to be my nemesis.

Unhand me, you freak.

Not until you tell
the truth about us.

Why would I
ever tell the truth?

I'm Gotham's little
sweet potato pie, remember?

Those rubes will believe
anything I say.

Busted!

Ya hear that, Tawny?
He admitted he lied.

Tawny? You set me up, Quinn.

Mm-mm-mm!

My, oh my, how the
sweet potato pie has crumbled.

So, as everyone can see,

I could'a killed him
any time I wanted,

but I didn't 'cause he's a kid
and kids are gross.

Also, he is not my nemesis.

Blood!

Ooh! Blood!

Help me!

Aw, shit.

Woo! He gonna get eaten!

Please! I'll bring you on stage
at the VMAs next week!

Abort! Abort!
King Shark, heel!

- Let me down! Help!
- Oh, you know what?
This must be that

"not being good
with blood" thing.

- I thought it just meant
he got a little fainty.

I did too.

It was misleading.

How funny.

Hey! Stop that! Help!

Aww!

I'll kill you all!

Everybody run!

Help! Help!

Batman! Batman!

Father! Help!

No! Dad! Help!

Ladies
and gentleman, Batman!

What is this?

Tawny? Are we live on Tawny?

What the hell
are you doing, Quinn?

Changin' the optics?

You almost killed my ward.

You're going to Arkham
for good, Quinn.

Bring it on, Bats!

Bats?

Batman?

Is he...

This is no fun.

Uh... Uh... boss?

Uh, uh, uh, what, Steve?

Spit it the fuck out.

Oh, what the hell?

Oh, what the hell?

Okay. So, Batman blames Harley
for endangering his ward,

but Harley says

she's just a supervillain
looking for an
adult-size nemesis.

Y'all know what
I'm talking about, right?

Use your fisticuffs, Harley!

Game over, Quinn.

Let her go!

Ivy! Always a delight.

This is getting
too good, y'all.

Ive! You came to save me.

Look, I always do.

My entire existence
seems to be spent

cleaning up
your fuckin' messes.

Is that gonna be bleeped?

Please welcome
another surprise guest,

-supervillain Poison Ivy.
-Nope.

Not a guest.

- Also, I actually identify
as an eco-terrorist, so...

Seems like you're having
some animosity towards Harley

for not respecting
your boundaries.

Am I right audience?

Tell us how you feel.

-No, no, no. Not gonna do that.
-Okay.

But, since I'm here.

If I could just...

You don't have to
rinse out your cans and bottles

before putting them
in the recycling bin, okay?

That's just a myth
and it wastes water.

- Go, Batman!
- N-n-no, no. Sit.

Aww.

Ooh!

Kill him, Ivy!

Harley! What the fuck
do you think you're doing?

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

It's getting heated!

Are you trying
to steal my Batman?

-Joker!
- Uh, Batman.

Joker seems
to claim you as his nemesis.

But you came here
to fight, Harley.

And now...

...you're fighting Ivy.
Which one is it?

Me! I'm his, he's mine.

I mean, we're together. Ha!

Oh!

Tawny! Tawny! Tawny!

I love you, Tawny!

Dad!

Robin!

If you want to see
the Boy Wonder alive again,

you better start showing up
to my cool crimes.

Oh! What a show,
folks!

- Well, I am spent.
-

Well stay tuned 'cause up next,

we're bringing out
those rescued ferrets.

Ooh!
I wanna squeeze one!

Nope. Come on. We're leaving.

Well,
that was a shit show.

Yeah! But, it was a fun show.

- Except for Batman
kickin' my ass on live TV.

At least you got
a swag bag, right?

Ooh! Look at this.
Organic shampoo.

Ugh! It says for
fine to normal hair. Damn it.

I can't believe after all this,

I still don't have a nemesis.

You know what?
You can't force it.

- I mean, there's someone
out there just for you.

Do the crimes
that make you happy
and the rest will come.

JKH, right? Just keep heisting.

JK's already a thing.

You add an 'H' to it,
and I don't know what that is.

It's muddled.

Yeah, I'm not here
to workshop this.

Thanks for always
givin' me great advice, Ive.

Even if I don't always use it.

You actually never use it.

But I love
never usin' your advice

more than
anyone else's advice
I never use.

Also, listen, I am very sorry

for the way me and my crew
have been treating' your place.

That changes today.

Yes. We promise
to keep your apartment
much cleaner.

Wait, why is he cleaning?

Did you add that
giant shark to your crew?

Actually, I'm a
normal-sized shark,

but I suppose
I am large for a man.

And yes, I'm in the crew.

It's just nice to be
on a schedule.

Yeah, you saw what he can do
when he flips out.

I mean, how am I
gonna say no to that?

Plus, he does computer good.

That's it, you're outta here!

This is a
formal eviction notice!

You're evicting me?
On what grounds?

Your lease says no pets!

-Him!
-Well, that's racist!

O-or at the
very least xenophobic.

Xena who?

The bikini broad with
a sword as big as she is?

I love her!

But that shark's been
coming in here all week.

Please, Sy.

I love this apartment
more than anything.

I-I'll kick them out.

I'll kick all of them out.

Too late!
You're evicted, honey.

Hey! At least you don't
have to keep cleaning up
after us any more, right?

'Cause you know,
let's be honest.

- It was really
only gonna get worse.

We can split that one.

Sounds fair.

Damian, I made your favorite.

You didn't make that.
Alfred made that.

I made him make it.

Are you mad because
I had to save you from Joker?

No. I'm livid because

everyone in Teen Titans
is getting a nemesis,
except me.

I'm gonna say
something embarrassing here.

I didn't have
a nemesis until

my late 20s.

Don't patronize me, Father.

It's unbecoming.

It's true.

I wasn't ready for one.

You want your first nemesis
to be special.

Someone who you could see
being your nemesis

for the rest of your life.

I suppose you're right, Father.

When can I start having sex?

I think I hear the Bat Signal.