Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - So You Need A Crew? - full transcript
Harley looks to recruit her very own crew.
Dasvidaniya suka!
You speak Russian?
I can only say two things.
And the other one.
Yes!
Oh, God! Are you shittin' me?
Joker!
-This is my score.
-Well, it was.
But it's mine now.
The only reason
you're getting this
and I'm not,
is you got a bunch of goons
that do whatever you say.
That's not true!
Goons, throw Harley out.
Whatever you say, boss.
Whoa!
I need a fucking crew.
No, you need a shower.
So, you didn't get the warhead?
No. Joker stole it
'cause he had a crew.
Like all real supervillains.
I mean, I get by
just fine on my own. So...
Your independence
is quite inspiring.
-Oh, can it, Frank.
-I love you, Ivy.
You know, Ive,
I could have really used
your help out there.
Honestly, I really think that
crews are over-rated.
You know, it's like,
some very successful
supervillains work alone.
Like look at this guy.
Look at Dr. Psycho.
Perfect example.
Doesn't have a crew,
yet still taking on
Wonder Woman.
Like a champ.
Still too scared to fight me
with your own hands, Psycho?
What a grand idea!
I'm sorry. What's that?
You really want your last words
to be...
That really hurt, you!
Holy shit!
Well, see! If he had a crew,
that would have told him
to use the B word instead.
And if I had one,
I'd use that warhead
to blackmail Gotham
into naming a highway after me.
Huh? A highway. All right.
Well, you know,
that took a weird turn.
Mmm.
So you're certain this whole
thing is gonna
blow over, right?
-Oh, yeah.
-Sure, yeah. A few talk show
appearances...
- Cry about how you love
your wife.
It's exactly what we had
Mr. Freeze do
when he exposed himself
at the Gotham water park.
You guys fixed that?
Wow, you're good.
And by good, I mean bad!
Come on!
Ms. Quinn,
we've been expecting you.
-Thank you.
-Let's get you henched up.
That's Cronk.
He's muscle.
If you don't mind
crazy roid rage,
he's your man.
-The Professor, he's brainy.
-So smart.
He's not brainy
with names though, huh?
Oh, my God, so right.
Beautiful.
Meet Blaze!
-Explosive.
Lotta buzz on him.
-Boom.
Lotta chatter.
Lotta heat.
Yes, and if you don't
take him today, he'll have
seven offers tomorrow.
-Goodbye.
-Hell, I'll take 'em all.
I'll crush Joker with
this team behind me.
-I thought you were
his girlfriend.
-No.
-I dumped that bum weeks ago.
-You didn't go back to him?
-Yeah, like you always do.
-No. I'm on my own now.
So, when can these guys start?
-I'm sorry. These men
are unavailable.
-For how long?
-For...
-Ever?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, forever.
Well, I don't need ya.
I don't need any of ya!
I'll put together my own crew
who's excited to work with
a real up-and-comer.
If you get back together
with Joker, our doors
are always--
Hey! Hey! Hey, you!
Are you tired of being
a lousy sidekick?
Abused, shit on,
used as a human shield?
Then come work for me.
You'll get top dollar,
great benefits,
and I won't ever, knowingly,
send you to your deaths.
Wait, was she talking about
a job
where we don't have to jump
into hell portals
and definitely die?
Oh, just shut up and jump.
I'm definitely dying!
I promise you
it'll be better than that.
Join me, and we'll be doing
million dollar heists
in no time.
-Who's with me?
-Can't.
-Busy.
-I got a family emergency.
I have a thing.
-Assholes.
-No. No. No. No.
Before you open
your female trap,
no way in hell
I'm working for you.
Who asked ya?
Can you believe guy's
rejecting me?
Well, ma'am, I don't know
nothing about that.
I'm just a simply farm boy
from Oklahoma.
I got two parents, three girls,
four boys, two lab mixes,
both uncut on a small ranch
just outside of Muskogee.
-What's your problem, weirdo?
-Why, Ms...
I don't have no problem,
because I am actually...
-Jeez.
-Good, fuckin' God.
The name is Clayface.
Thespian extraordinaire
recently portraying
the juicy role
of country boy bartending
in the big city.
I thought you were
playing the role of
"literal piece of shit."
Not yet.
-Ugh. It's in my hair.
-Now I'm a literal
piece of shit.
Okay.
Is it Clayface or Fuckface?
Hey! Kite Man here.
Thinking about doing
a caper, gang.
Not sure what,
might steal something,
might kidnap somebody.
I don't know, uh,
depending on the weather.
But Kite will be involved.
- Who's in?
- I am! Let's do this!
I do not fucking believe this.
And then, they all ran off
with that loser Kite Man.
Yeah.
What a loser that guy is.
Did he mention my name?
You know what, nevermind.
-But did he?
-There must be something
I'm missing.
-How do I get people
to work for me?
-She has no fuckin' idea.
Because plants do all this shit
for her lazy ass.
There must be someone
who can gimme the inside scoop.
Babe, what real supervillain
is gonna give away
their trade secrets?
Well, maybe not "give away."
I am Maxie Zeus!
And tonight, I "max"
all your dreams come true!
This guy's such a douche.
I'm sorry, but none of
the charming villains
with great personalities
were holding seminars today.
Joker. Riddler. Two-Face.
What do they have
that you don't?
- A penis?
- A crew!
A villain goes in alone,
but a supervillain
needs henchmen.
When I robbed
the 1996 Olympics--
- Oh, thank you very much,
just lovely. Fun times.
My crew helped me
steal those medals.
And now I literally sleep
on a pile of gold.
Ivy, you hear that?
Sleeps on gold!
Honestly, with the amount
of coke this guy does,
I doubt he's sleeping
on anything.
So, how does one
recruit goons?
Through a henchmen agency,
- or from popular villain--
- Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Yes. The juggler
in the third row.
Mr. Zeus, I tried those things
and they didn't work.
You can't let
rejection stop you.
Think about the big boys.
Darkseid. Luthor. Maxie.
- Are we quitters?
- No!
Neither are you!
Okay, I'm out.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Didn't know you were busy.
No, no. Come in.
Just letting my legs breathe.
You were so inspiring.
-If you don't mind,
I got a couple questions.
-And I've got one big answer.
Wow. That's just like one of
those paintings, you know,
where the eyes follow you,
-except, nope, it's just your
greased-up nipples.
-Just between us,
I painted it. Shh.
Weird. So, hey,
I was wondering if you'd just
gimme some pointers.
Well, I can certainly
give you one.
Ah, got it!
So you're just a creepy dick.
-I'm not fucking you.
-Oh, really?
You were laughed out of UTI.
Yeah! Word gets around.
You'll never get a crew!
Because no bad guy
will ever work for a woman.
-My two cents.
-Then here's mine.
See a urologist,
'cause creepy dick
wasn't just an insult,
it was a concern.
And if no bad guy
will work with me,
then maybe I don't need
a "bad guy."
Harley, I told you this,
I work alone.
Alone-ish.
-Don't even get me started
right now.
-Come on, Ive.
With your ability to control
all plant life on Earth,
and my gymnastics,
I mean, there's nothing
we can't do if we team up.
I said no. I mean,
I got a brand. You know?
It's like, adding gymnastics
to it, it's a very
muddled message.
Tell her the real reason,
you lying motherfucker.
Oh, God, here we go.
All right, so look,
there's a glass ceiling for
female supervillains, okay?
Like, sure, we're tolerated,
but as long as we don't
get too powerful.
-Aren't you being
a little dramatic?
-Guess whose naive ass
who hasn't heard of
the Queen of Fables.
Go on, Ivy, tell your story.
I'll set the mood.
All right, all right.
Thanks, Frank.
So, a long time ago,
way back in the '80s.
There was this
powerful sorceress, right?
She's known as
the Queen of Fables.
Fed up of being a footnote
to the male supervillains,
she decided to turn Gotham
into an evil force
by using sorcery
to pull characters
from the pages of storybooks.
Until she had a whole army
at her command.
-Well, what happened to her?
-Ask her yourself.
FYI, bailin' out
your klepto aunt
with the snow globe fetish
does not count. Next.
-Uh, hey, I'm looking for
the Queen of Fables?
-Just found her, sweetie.
No. Why you lookin'
up there for? Here.
The book. Me.
I'm stuck in this bullshit.
I've got 20 minutes
till my next appointment.
What's up?
Hey, my name's Harley Quinn.
I'm a new supervillain,
and I was told
I should ask
what happened to you.
All right, buckle up,
honey, it's story time.
So there I was with my crew,
a bunch of dumb
storybook things,
when the heroes showed up.
Ugh! It was a horror.
No, no, no. There's no way
Superman did that.
I exaggerate to add flavor.
But the truth is,
they punished me in a way
no one has ever been punished.
No!
Instead of
throwing me into Arkham
like any male villain,
they came up
with this bullshit.
I mean, a guy robs a bank,
he's a criminal mastermind.
-A woman robs a bank--
-She's a crazy bitch.
Exactly! Think about it.
A male supervillain
can literally look like
a deformed penguin,
but God forbid we outshine them
even a little bit,
and into the fucking
tax book we go, forever.
Yeah, you can get
as big as you want,
-as long as you don't get
bigger than them.
-Yeah. You get it.
And your ambition
won't just hurt you,
it'll hurt the people
you care most about.
-Birthday cake for the boss
at 4:00.
-Thanks, Mark.
God, I hate this place.
But at least I'm not
on the streets turning tricks
for cash anymore.
Who knows. Maybe your story
will turn out different.
I couldn't get a crew
'cause no one believed in me.
So I had to make my own
by believing in stupid little
things like Mark.
No offense, Mark.
-Queen of Fables,
pretty fun, right?
-Oh, she was pretty bleak.
Before I left she was like,
"I have to use the bathroom.
There, I did it."
Did you send me to her
because you think
I can't do this?
No, Harley, I sent you there
because I know that you can.
Look...
I just wanted you to know
what you're up against,
you know,
'cause I, uh... I love ya.
Don't make a thing of it.
Anybody feel this shit but me?
A man can't show emotion!
A man?
Fuck you, Ivy.
Look, I appreciate your warning
but what Queen of Fables
made me realize,
is if I want a crew,
I shouldn't be looking for
scumbags who believe in me,
I should be looking for
scumbags no one else
believes in.
Right, okay.
So, so, so,
that was the take away
from the chain-smoking book,
-and the trick turning cookie?
-Yeah!
And I know just where to start.
Welcome back.
We have here Dr. Psycho.
- He says he's here to apologize
for using the C word.
- Woman hater!
- What?
Hate women? I cherish them.
No one on God's green Earth
respects women like this one.
I know. I know. Giganta,
girl, how you feelin'
about all this?
She is devastated,
that the world is attacking
a man she knows is so kind,
-is so loving--
-Let's hear it
in her own words.
Those are her own words.
I'm a telepath, right?
She thinks it, I say it.
Isn't that right, honey?
She said "Right."
She did not say "Right"!
Did y'all hear her say "Right"?
-She was talking to me!
-Mmm-hmm.
An individual person
who exists outside of you!
-Go, girl.
-A person who, for years
you mind controlled...
-Don't do this.
-...into thinking
they loved you!
-Do not do this!
-A person who is leaving you!
- Why, you get back here,
you miserable...
Holy shit!
He just became the least
employable person on Earth.
Exactly.
So, you know, I thought,
hey, maybe you should
join me and my crew.
Join you?
I'm in the big leagues, mama.
The L.O.D.
The Legion of Doom.
Hard pass!
We cannot condone
Dr. Psycho's use of the C Word,
as it does not represent
our brand of evil.
We hereby banish him
from the Legion of Doom,
Legion of Doom Europe,
and The Junior Doomers
of America.
Did I say hard pass?
I meant soft accept.
I wanna join your crew.
Not because I think
working for a female
will help rehabilitate
my ruined image,
blah, blah, blah...
It's for other reasons.
I don't hate women!
Kinda seems like you do.
Whoo-hoo, the salty language
that comes outta your mouth.
I'm just glad my Mama Jean
ain't allowed to hear it.
Even hot southern bartender
character thinks you're
a piece of shit.
But I believe in you,
and I think you have
a part to play.
Did you say a "part"?
Then you must also require
the services of...
-Oh!
-Fuck, not again.
-...an actor!
-You're damn right I do.
You, me, and Psycho.
This is gonna be the start
of something huge.
So, what's our first
evil scheme?
Is it a nuke in a volcano?
Evil scheme?
Oh, a honey pot heist
where I seduce Gotham's mayor
with my saucy Sheila character?
How do you feel about
petty, personal vendettas?
No, I'd say more unsettling
than creepy.
No, disturbing.
That's it. Found it.
All right, we're gonna steal
this asshole's gold medals
and anything else
we can get out hands on.
-Like the saying goes...
-"Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned."
Oh, I was gonna say,
"The prick has it coming."
But yeah, I like
your fancy way better.
All right, here's the plan.
Me and Psycho will go in
through the back,
find his loot,
and clean him out.
Clayface, you go knock
on the front door,
pretend to be the mailman
-to distract him.
-What do we know about
this mailman?
What are his dreams?
His fears, his raison d'etre?
Who gives a shit?
You're just a mailman.
Brilliant!
That's what the world sees.
Just a mailman.
But we...
We know better, don't we?
He was a horribly neglected
little boy,
and he grew up in a cage!
The only time he heard
rumblings from
the outside world
was when the mailman came,
which is why he spent
his whole life dreaming
of being one.
Yeah, no. None of that.
You're just a mailman.
Deliver the mail.
- Oh! She demands perfection,
doesn't she?
-And she'll get it.
-Mmm-hmm.
My mind is awhirl with
a delicious new character
-who you'll soon meet.
-No, I can't even.
Who dares disturb a living god,
after 9:00 p.m.?
Here's your mail... Dad.
-Dad?
-Years ago
you met my ma
in a piano bar,
and knew you must have her.
Damn what your parents thought.
She might have been
from the wrong side
of the tracks,
but she was on the right side
of your heart.
-The fuck is he doing?
-I'm done.
It's really you?
I... I thought
I'd lost you forever
after Piano Bar Janet said she
-"took care of it."
-Oh, she tried.
-But it didn't take.
-Of course it didn't.
For you are half god!
So, who do you need me
to mind control
to open the door?
No, no, no one.
Just squeeze in
the crawl space,
get into the house,
and open it from the inside.
Are you shittin' me?
I'm a genius telepath,
why you wasting me on this?
You're the only thing
small enough to fit.
Got it.
Son of a bitch!
Argh!
My eyelashes just touched
a dead raccoon!
Quit your bitchin'
and keep going.
God this is humiliating.
Son,
we have much
to catch up on.
Yes, Father. Or should
I call you... Dad?
Call me almighty Zeus.
God of the sky and thunder.
Supreme ruler of Olympus,
and all of Earth below.
Okey-doke.
Wow!
And I'm an egomaniac.
Yeah.
This looks about right.
Where the fuck
does he keep
those stupid medals?
Easy. He said he literally
sleeps on a pile of gold.
And then after getting
the Medal of Honor in war
I toured the world
playing ping-pong.
What a remarkable journey
your life has been.
And so oddly similar to that
of Forrest Gump.
It is rather strange
you don't share your mother's
brilliant blue eyes.
My mistake, I guess.
Trick of the light.
Although I don't know how
you avoided her family
proclivity for...
Hunchback?
Ah-ha! The Olympic gold medals.
What the hell?
Son, you are the spitting image
of your mother.
I'm so glad you think so,
Daddy Zeus.
But it's so sad she suffered
from a lisp.
Oh, you lying piece of shit!
Do you really think
I'd fall for this?
Perhaps?
Who do you work for,
monstrosity?
Joker?
Oh, no, you didn't!
Wait, wait, wait,
don't emasculate him.
Riddler?
No, no, no,
he's about to rally.
I can feel it.
The Penguin?
Tell me who you work for,
creature, or the next blow
will be a killing one.
He works for me,
you oily bitch!
Well, if it isn't the girl
I chose not to have sex with.
Regrettably, you're too late
I'm afraid.
No!
Thanks, Psycho.
All right, dickhead.
Just drop the lisp.
I wish I could,
but I bit my tongue.
You said no woman
could ever get
a crew of bad guys.
Well, I didn't just get
bad guys,
I got two of the fuckin' worst.
You call that a crew?
A midget and a mudslide?
I'll give you once chance
to tell the world
Harley Quinn's crew
ain't nothing to fuck with.
Or what?
Fine.
-I'll say it.
-Oh, I know you will.
Motivational speaker,
and self-proclaimed
supervillain,
Maxie Zeus, was found
beaten this morning.
Oh, oh! Follow me, follow me.
Mr. Zeus, how did this happen?
Who did this terrible thing
to you?
All I can say is,
Harley Quinn's crew
ain't nothing to fuck with.
Sounds like Harley Quinn,
former girlfriend of the Joker,
is striking out on her own.
Holy fucking shit, Harls.
You did it.
I would not
have seen that coming.
It's been 30 long years
since a female villain
had a crew.
When the Queen of Fables
tried to smash through
that glass ceiling
but was imprisoned in
the US Tax Code by
The Justice League.
'Cause they're bitches.
But I'll be damned.
Harley's actually going for it.
One thing's for sure,
the Joker's ex
may soon become
his biggest competitor.
This is...
Well, you know,
congratulations.
I mean, I know gold medals
aren't a nuclear warhead,
but you gonna start somewhere.
Oh, no, I got a warhead.
I traded
the gold medals for it.
Get outta town, where is it?
I used it to blackmail the city
just like I said I would.
Hey, y'all, it's me again.
This just in,
we take you live to
a high-speed chase on
the abruptly renamed
Harley Quinn Parkway.
I'll be fuckin' damned.
Totally worth it.
Right?
You speak Russian?
I can only say two things.
And the other one.
Yes!
Oh, God! Are you shittin' me?
Joker!
-This is my score.
-Well, it was.
But it's mine now.
The only reason
you're getting this
and I'm not,
is you got a bunch of goons
that do whatever you say.
That's not true!
Goons, throw Harley out.
Whatever you say, boss.
Whoa!
I need a fucking crew.
No, you need a shower.
So, you didn't get the warhead?
No. Joker stole it
'cause he had a crew.
Like all real supervillains.
I mean, I get by
just fine on my own. So...
Your independence
is quite inspiring.
-Oh, can it, Frank.
-I love you, Ivy.
You know, Ive,
I could have really used
your help out there.
Honestly, I really think that
crews are over-rated.
You know, it's like,
some very successful
supervillains work alone.
Like look at this guy.
Look at Dr. Psycho.
Perfect example.
Doesn't have a crew,
yet still taking on
Wonder Woman.
Like a champ.
Still too scared to fight me
with your own hands, Psycho?
What a grand idea!
I'm sorry. What's that?
You really want your last words
to be...
That really hurt, you!
Holy shit!
Well, see! If he had a crew,
that would have told him
to use the B word instead.
And if I had one,
I'd use that warhead
to blackmail Gotham
into naming a highway after me.
Huh? A highway. All right.
Well, you know,
that took a weird turn.
Mmm.
So you're certain this whole
thing is gonna
blow over, right?
-Oh, yeah.
-Sure, yeah. A few talk show
appearances...
- Cry about how you love
your wife.
It's exactly what we had
Mr. Freeze do
when he exposed himself
at the Gotham water park.
You guys fixed that?
Wow, you're good.
And by good, I mean bad!
Come on!
Ms. Quinn,
we've been expecting you.
-Thank you.
-Let's get you henched up.
That's Cronk.
He's muscle.
If you don't mind
crazy roid rage,
he's your man.
-The Professor, he's brainy.
-So smart.
He's not brainy
with names though, huh?
Oh, my God, so right.
Beautiful.
Meet Blaze!
-Explosive.
Lotta buzz on him.
-Boom.
Lotta chatter.
Lotta heat.
Yes, and if you don't
take him today, he'll have
seven offers tomorrow.
-Goodbye.
-Hell, I'll take 'em all.
I'll crush Joker with
this team behind me.
-I thought you were
his girlfriend.
-No.
-I dumped that bum weeks ago.
-You didn't go back to him?
-Yeah, like you always do.
-No. I'm on my own now.
So, when can these guys start?
-I'm sorry. These men
are unavailable.
-For how long?
-For...
-Ever?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, forever.
Well, I don't need ya.
I don't need any of ya!
I'll put together my own crew
who's excited to work with
a real up-and-comer.
If you get back together
with Joker, our doors
are always--
Hey! Hey! Hey, you!
Are you tired of being
a lousy sidekick?
Abused, shit on,
used as a human shield?
Then come work for me.
You'll get top dollar,
great benefits,
and I won't ever, knowingly,
send you to your deaths.
Wait, was she talking about
a job
where we don't have to jump
into hell portals
and definitely die?
Oh, just shut up and jump.
I'm definitely dying!
I promise you
it'll be better than that.
Join me, and we'll be doing
million dollar heists
in no time.
-Who's with me?
-Can't.
-Busy.
-I got a family emergency.
I have a thing.
-Assholes.
-No. No. No. No.
Before you open
your female trap,
no way in hell
I'm working for you.
Who asked ya?
Can you believe guy's
rejecting me?
Well, ma'am, I don't know
nothing about that.
I'm just a simply farm boy
from Oklahoma.
I got two parents, three girls,
four boys, two lab mixes,
both uncut on a small ranch
just outside of Muskogee.
-What's your problem, weirdo?
-Why, Ms...
I don't have no problem,
because I am actually...
-Jeez.
-Good, fuckin' God.
The name is Clayface.
Thespian extraordinaire
recently portraying
the juicy role
of country boy bartending
in the big city.
I thought you were
playing the role of
"literal piece of shit."
Not yet.
-Ugh. It's in my hair.
-Now I'm a literal
piece of shit.
Okay.
Is it Clayface or Fuckface?
Hey! Kite Man here.
Thinking about doing
a caper, gang.
Not sure what,
might steal something,
might kidnap somebody.
I don't know, uh,
depending on the weather.
But Kite will be involved.
- Who's in?
- I am! Let's do this!
I do not fucking believe this.
And then, they all ran off
with that loser Kite Man.
Yeah.
What a loser that guy is.
Did he mention my name?
You know what, nevermind.
-But did he?
-There must be something
I'm missing.
-How do I get people
to work for me?
-She has no fuckin' idea.
Because plants do all this shit
for her lazy ass.
There must be someone
who can gimme the inside scoop.
Babe, what real supervillain
is gonna give away
their trade secrets?
Well, maybe not "give away."
I am Maxie Zeus!
And tonight, I "max"
all your dreams come true!
This guy's such a douche.
I'm sorry, but none of
the charming villains
with great personalities
were holding seminars today.
Joker. Riddler. Two-Face.
What do they have
that you don't?
- A penis?
- A crew!
A villain goes in alone,
but a supervillain
needs henchmen.
When I robbed
the 1996 Olympics--
- Oh, thank you very much,
just lovely. Fun times.
My crew helped me
steal those medals.
And now I literally sleep
on a pile of gold.
Ivy, you hear that?
Sleeps on gold!
Honestly, with the amount
of coke this guy does,
I doubt he's sleeping
on anything.
So, how does one
recruit goons?
Through a henchmen agency,
- or from popular villain--
- Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Yes. The juggler
in the third row.
Mr. Zeus, I tried those things
and they didn't work.
You can't let
rejection stop you.
Think about the big boys.
Darkseid. Luthor. Maxie.
- Are we quitters?
- No!
Neither are you!
Okay, I'm out.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Didn't know you were busy.
No, no. Come in.
Just letting my legs breathe.
You were so inspiring.
-If you don't mind,
I got a couple questions.
-And I've got one big answer.
Wow. That's just like one of
those paintings, you know,
where the eyes follow you,
-except, nope, it's just your
greased-up nipples.
-Just between us,
I painted it. Shh.
Weird. So, hey,
I was wondering if you'd just
gimme some pointers.
Well, I can certainly
give you one.
Ah, got it!
So you're just a creepy dick.
-I'm not fucking you.
-Oh, really?
You were laughed out of UTI.
Yeah! Word gets around.
You'll never get a crew!
Because no bad guy
will ever work for a woman.
-My two cents.
-Then here's mine.
See a urologist,
'cause creepy dick
wasn't just an insult,
it was a concern.
And if no bad guy
will work with me,
then maybe I don't need
a "bad guy."
Harley, I told you this,
I work alone.
Alone-ish.
-Don't even get me started
right now.
-Come on, Ive.
With your ability to control
all plant life on Earth,
and my gymnastics,
I mean, there's nothing
we can't do if we team up.
I said no. I mean,
I got a brand. You know?
It's like, adding gymnastics
to it, it's a very
muddled message.
Tell her the real reason,
you lying motherfucker.
Oh, God, here we go.
All right, so look,
there's a glass ceiling for
female supervillains, okay?
Like, sure, we're tolerated,
but as long as we don't
get too powerful.
-Aren't you being
a little dramatic?
-Guess whose naive ass
who hasn't heard of
the Queen of Fables.
Go on, Ivy, tell your story.
I'll set the mood.
All right, all right.
Thanks, Frank.
So, a long time ago,
way back in the '80s.
There was this
powerful sorceress, right?
She's known as
the Queen of Fables.
Fed up of being a footnote
to the male supervillains,
she decided to turn Gotham
into an evil force
by using sorcery
to pull characters
from the pages of storybooks.
Until she had a whole army
at her command.
-Well, what happened to her?
-Ask her yourself.
FYI, bailin' out
your klepto aunt
with the snow globe fetish
does not count. Next.
-Uh, hey, I'm looking for
the Queen of Fables?
-Just found her, sweetie.
No. Why you lookin'
up there for? Here.
The book. Me.
I'm stuck in this bullshit.
I've got 20 minutes
till my next appointment.
What's up?
Hey, my name's Harley Quinn.
I'm a new supervillain,
and I was told
I should ask
what happened to you.
All right, buckle up,
honey, it's story time.
So there I was with my crew,
a bunch of dumb
storybook things,
when the heroes showed up.
Ugh! It was a horror.
No, no, no. There's no way
Superman did that.
I exaggerate to add flavor.
But the truth is,
they punished me in a way
no one has ever been punished.
No!
Instead of
throwing me into Arkham
like any male villain,
they came up
with this bullshit.
I mean, a guy robs a bank,
he's a criminal mastermind.
-A woman robs a bank--
-She's a crazy bitch.
Exactly! Think about it.
A male supervillain
can literally look like
a deformed penguin,
but God forbid we outshine them
even a little bit,
and into the fucking
tax book we go, forever.
Yeah, you can get
as big as you want,
-as long as you don't get
bigger than them.
-Yeah. You get it.
And your ambition
won't just hurt you,
it'll hurt the people
you care most about.
-Birthday cake for the boss
at 4:00.
-Thanks, Mark.
God, I hate this place.
But at least I'm not
on the streets turning tricks
for cash anymore.
Who knows. Maybe your story
will turn out different.
I couldn't get a crew
'cause no one believed in me.
So I had to make my own
by believing in stupid little
things like Mark.
No offense, Mark.
-Queen of Fables,
pretty fun, right?
-Oh, she was pretty bleak.
Before I left she was like,
"I have to use the bathroom.
There, I did it."
Did you send me to her
because you think
I can't do this?
No, Harley, I sent you there
because I know that you can.
Look...
I just wanted you to know
what you're up against,
you know,
'cause I, uh... I love ya.
Don't make a thing of it.
Anybody feel this shit but me?
A man can't show emotion!
A man?
Fuck you, Ivy.
Look, I appreciate your warning
but what Queen of Fables
made me realize,
is if I want a crew,
I shouldn't be looking for
scumbags who believe in me,
I should be looking for
scumbags no one else
believes in.
Right, okay.
So, so, so,
that was the take away
from the chain-smoking book,
-and the trick turning cookie?
-Yeah!
And I know just where to start.
Welcome back.
We have here Dr. Psycho.
- He says he's here to apologize
for using the C word.
- Woman hater!
- What?
Hate women? I cherish them.
No one on God's green Earth
respects women like this one.
I know. I know. Giganta,
girl, how you feelin'
about all this?
She is devastated,
that the world is attacking
a man she knows is so kind,
-is so loving--
-Let's hear it
in her own words.
Those are her own words.
I'm a telepath, right?
She thinks it, I say it.
Isn't that right, honey?
She said "Right."
She did not say "Right"!
Did y'all hear her say "Right"?
-She was talking to me!
-Mmm-hmm.
An individual person
who exists outside of you!
-Go, girl.
-A person who, for years
you mind controlled...
-Don't do this.
-...into thinking
they loved you!
-Do not do this!
-A person who is leaving you!
- Why, you get back here,
you miserable...
Holy shit!
He just became the least
employable person on Earth.
Exactly.
So, you know, I thought,
hey, maybe you should
join me and my crew.
Join you?
I'm in the big leagues, mama.
The L.O.D.
The Legion of Doom.
Hard pass!
We cannot condone
Dr. Psycho's use of the C Word,
as it does not represent
our brand of evil.
We hereby banish him
from the Legion of Doom,
Legion of Doom Europe,
and The Junior Doomers
of America.
Did I say hard pass?
I meant soft accept.
I wanna join your crew.
Not because I think
working for a female
will help rehabilitate
my ruined image,
blah, blah, blah...
It's for other reasons.
I don't hate women!
Kinda seems like you do.
Whoo-hoo, the salty language
that comes outta your mouth.
I'm just glad my Mama Jean
ain't allowed to hear it.
Even hot southern bartender
character thinks you're
a piece of shit.
But I believe in you,
and I think you have
a part to play.
Did you say a "part"?
Then you must also require
the services of...
-Oh!
-Fuck, not again.
-...an actor!
-You're damn right I do.
You, me, and Psycho.
This is gonna be the start
of something huge.
So, what's our first
evil scheme?
Is it a nuke in a volcano?
Evil scheme?
Oh, a honey pot heist
where I seduce Gotham's mayor
with my saucy Sheila character?
How do you feel about
petty, personal vendettas?
No, I'd say more unsettling
than creepy.
No, disturbing.
That's it. Found it.
All right, we're gonna steal
this asshole's gold medals
and anything else
we can get out hands on.
-Like the saying goes...
-"Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned."
Oh, I was gonna say,
"The prick has it coming."
But yeah, I like
your fancy way better.
All right, here's the plan.
Me and Psycho will go in
through the back,
find his loot,
and clean him out.
Clayface, you go knock
on the front door,
pretend to be the mailman
-to distract him.
-What do we know about
this mailman?
What are his dreams?
His fears, his raison d'etre?
Who gives a shit?
You're just a mailman.
Brilliant!
That's what the world sees.
Just a mailman.
But we...
We know better, don't we?
He was a horribly neglected
little boy,
and he grew up in a cage!
The only time he heard
rumblings from
the outside world
was when the mailman came,
which is why he spent
his whole life dreaming
of being one.
Yeah, no. None of that.
You're just a mailman.
Deliver the mail.
- Oh! She demands perfection,
doesn't she?
-And she'll get it.
-Mmm-hmm.
My mind is awhirl with
a delicious new character
-who you'll soon meet.
-No, I can't even.
Who dares disturb a living god,
after 9:00 p.m.?
Here's your mail... Dad.
-Dad?
-Years ago
you met my ma
in a piano bar,
and knew you must have her.
Damn what your parents thought.
She might have been
from the wrong side
of the tracks,
but she was on the right side
of your heart.
-The fuck is he doing?
-I'm done.
It's really you?
I... I thought
I'd lost you forever
after Piano Bar Janet said she
-"took care of it."
-Oh, she tried.
-But it didn't take.
-Of course it didn't.
For you are half god!
So, who do you need me
to mind control
to open the door?
No, no, no one.
Just squeeze in
the crawl space,
get into the house,
and open it from the inside.
Are you shittin' me?
I'm a genius telepath,
why you wasting me on this?
You're the only thing
small enough to fit.
Got it.
Son of a bitch!
Argh!
My eyelashes just touched
a dead raccoon!
Quit your bitchin'
and keep going.
God this is humiliating.
Son,
we have much
to catch up on.
Yes, Father. Or should
I call you... Dad?
Call me almighty Zeus.
God of the sky and thunder.
Supreme ruler of Olympus,
and all of Earth below.
Okey-doke.
Wow!
And I'm an egomaniac.
Yeah.
This looks about right.
Where the fuck
does he keep
those stupid medals?
Easy. He said he literally
sleeps on a pile of gold.
And then after getting
the Medal of Honor in war
I toured the world
playing ping-pong.
What a remarkable journey
your life has been.
And so oddly similar to that
of Forrest Gump.
It is rather strange
you don't share your mother's
brilliant blue eyes.
My mistake, I guess.
Trick of the light.
Although I don't know how
you avoided her family
proclivity for...
Hunchback?
Ah-ha! The Olympic gold medals.
What the hell?
Son, you are the spitting image
of your mother.
I'm so glad you think so,
Daddy Zeus.
But it's so sad she suffered
from a lisp.
Oh, you lying piece of shit!
Do you really think
I'd fall for this?
Perhaps?
Who do you work for,
monstrosity?
Joker?
Oh, no, you didn't!
Wait, wait, wait,
don't emasculate him.
Riddler?
No, no, no,
he's about to rally.
I can feel it.
The Penguin?
Tell me who you work for,
creature, or the next blow
will be a killing one.
He works for me,
you oily bitch!
Well, if it isn't the girl
I chose not to have sex with.
Regrettably, you're too late
I'm afraid.
No!
Thanks, Psycho.
All right, dickhead.
Just drop the lisp.
I wish I could,
but I bit my tongue.
You said no woman
could ever get
a crew of bad guys.
Well, I didn't just get
bad guys,
I got two of the fuckin' worst.
You call that a crew?
A midget and a mudslide?
I'll give you once chance
to tell the world
Harley Quinn's crew
ain't nothing to fuck with.
Or what?
Fine.
-I'll say it.
-Oh, I know you will.
Motivational speaker,
and self-proclaimed
supervillain,
Maxie Zeus, was found
beaten this morning.
Oh, oh! Follow me, follow me.
Mr. Zeus, how did this happen?
Who did this terrible thing
to you?
All I can say is,
Harley Quinn's crew
ain't nothing to fuck with.
Sounds like Harley Quinn,
former girlfriend of the Joker,
is striking out on her own.
Holy fucking shit, Harls.
You did it.
I would not
have seen that coming.
It's been 30 long years
since a female villain
had a crew.
When the Queen of Fables
tried to smash through
that glass ceiling
but was imprisoned in
the US Tax Code by
The Justice League.
'Cause they're bitches.
But I'll be damned.
Harley's actually going for it.
One thing's for sure,
the Joker's ex
may soon become
his biggest competitor.
This is...
Well, you know,
congratulations.
I mean, I know gold medals
aren't a nuclear warhead,
but you gonna start somewhere.
Oh, no, I got a warhead.
I traded
the gold medals for it.
Get outta town, where is it?
I used it to blackmail the city
just like I said I would.
Hey, y'all, it's me again.
This just in,
we take you live to
a high-speed chase on
the abruptly renamed
Harley Quinn Parkway.
I'll be fuckin' damned.
Totally worth it.
Right?