Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - A High Bar - full transcript

[Scarecrow] Oh, crazy about
Joker and Harley.

I heard they tried
an open relationship thing,

which everybody knows
only works for gay men.

Your idle gossip distracts me
from my master plan.

Break the Batman.

Punish Gotham
for its transgressions,

and stand atop
the mountain of skulls

left in my wake.

-Anyway, I heard Harley--
-[Joker] Morning.

-How are you?
-Fine. Why wouldn't I be?

Because Harley dumped you.



You know?

People are saying
that Harley dumped me?

[laughing menacingly]

Please! You know what?
I don't even care.

I wish her well.

[Harley] Ivy, no rush,

but Howie Mandel's only showing

how to turn
Thanksgiving leftovers

into an entire
nativity scene.

Oh, my God! Wait, what?

[Poison Ivy] Hot, hot,
hot, hot, hot, hot.

Next, I'm gonna show you

how to make
a mashed potato Virgin Mary.

But first,
[chuckles nervously]



please welcome
my, uh, surprise co-host.

Uh, you know him
as the clown prince of crime.

-Let's give it up
for the Joker!
-[audience gasping]

[laughing]

-Shit!
-Damn it.

-Ooh.
-Get ready, America.

Howie's got something
he's dying to tell you.

-[audience screaming]
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not Howie!

You know what's stupid?

Me, for playfully implying
on yesterday's show that

the celebrity villain couple,

formerly known as "JoQuinn"
is no more.

Thanks, Howie.

When I dumped poor, sad,
what's her name...

-She's right over here.
-Frank.

I promised I would
respect her wishes

to drift into the darkness
of total anonymity.

And for the record,
our couple name was...

-"Joker."
-Oh, that liar
trying to blow up

the cleanest and nicest
talk show host in television!

Just ignore him.
He's baiting you.

It's not worth
getting angry over.

Sorry, but that's all the time
we have today, Howie.

And speaking of time,

yours is running out.

[audience screaming]

I need a very brave
wardrobe girl!

-[laughing viciously]
-[grunts]

Jesus, Harls.

This is why I don't put
the good TV out.

Good TV?
Where you hiding that bad boy?

If he thinks I'm just gonna
fade away into obscurity,

he doesn't know
what's coming.

Who cares?
You're doing great.

You got a killer new outfit,
you started meditating.

I haven't started yet.
I just downloaded the app.

That's a first step.

You're a strong,
independent woman

who doesn't care
what other people think.

Right! Who cares what Joker

and his stupid
Legion of Doom buddies think.

-Exactly!
-Preach!

Hell, I'll show them in person
how little I care.

What? No. What are you doing?

-Logging into Joker's calendar.
-Oh, God, we're off the rails.

No, let it play out.

Oh, hey, there's a party
at the Gotham Mint

with the Legion of Doom guys
tomorrow!

Oh, if he wants
to fuck with me in public,

I will fuck right back!

-Please do not do this.
-Please do that shit.

I'm just gonna show those guys

how awesome I'm doing
without him.

It'll be so fun!

And you can meet a hot guy
and use your cool love potion.

This isn't a love potion.
It's my distilled pheromones.

It makes men
infatuated with me

and then kills them
by turning them into plants.

[both] Right, a love potion.

-Please come with me. Please!
-No.

-Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
-Stop.

-Frank, shut up.
Saying no again.
-Do it. Do it. Do it.

What? Stop saying "do it."

[Frank and Harley chanting]
Do it, do it, do it.

-Fine.
-[Frank] Yes.

-[cell phone chimes]
-Oh, shit. Howie exploded.

-[Ivy and Frank] No!
-Not Howie.

-Joker, you son of a bitch!
-That's my phone, uh...

[theme music playing]

[roaring]

[man coughs] [clears throat]

[man clears throat]

[roaring]

Did you know that this party
was for children?

I do now.

Although, technically,
one boy becomes a man today.

Are you one of the dancers
for my nephew's bar mitzvah?

Jesus, Harley!

[laughing]

Rock bottom came fast
as the Joker dumped you.

Uh, she dumped him,

and you smell like
shrimp shit. Excuse us.

-We should leave.
-No, no, no, no, no.

All the Legion bigwigs
are here.

I came to show 'em how great

I'm doing
and I am gonna!

This isn't
your coming out party.

It's a 13-year-old boy's
coming out party.

Look, a lot of people made

a name for themselves
at parties.

Bane, he decided to blow up

Gotham Stadium
during Trivia Night.

[Bane] Oh, the Dallas Cowboys.

Incorrect.

The Steelers have won

the most games
at Gotham Stadium.

I'm gonna blow up
Gotham Stadium.

Fine, just don't
leave me alone.

Or some like D-list villain
will hit on me

or ask to do a heist with me

and the longer we wait...
Okay, she's gone.

[whispering] Kite Man.

What? What was that? Whoa.
[laughs]

Did I just hear the wind
say "Kite Man?"

I think you're alone in that.

Hell yeah!

Good God.

I need a permit
for a trap door?

The whole point is

no one is supposed
to know about it!

Especially the City.

I need this lair rebuilt now.

[cell phone ringing]

Knock, knock, who's there?
It's me, Joker.

You will never guess
who's at the bar mitzvah.

Jesus, Bane!

I don't have time
for a guessing game. Hang on.

Those shoes have black soles!

Put plastic booties on.

Harley is at Penguin's nephew's
bar mitzvah.

She crashed
the stupid thing?

Yeah, seems like
she's doing pretty well.

Brought a tiger. Pretty cool.

What? Anyone can buy a tiger.

You know she has HPV, right?

Most sexually active adults do.

Shut up! I'm on my way.

[Harley] Uh-oh!
Who are these troublemakers?

Nah, I'm just kidding.
I know it's you, Scarecrow,

Two-Face,
other half of Two-Face,

[imitating Bane] Bane.

[all laughing]

I'm going to blow up
this bar mitzvah.

Quinn, great to see you.
Where you been hiding?

On your left,
where you can't see shit.

[all laughing]

So, guess who has a plan
to finally get rid of Batman?

Ya girl.

[Joker] Look
who's' trying to run

before she can crawl.

[all laughing nervously]

Mazel tov!

-Jesus.
-Glad you're here, J-Man.

Pull up a chair.
Doesn't bother me.

So, who's goin' beef
and who's goin' chicken?

You are going
somewhere else.

Because this is
the Legion of Doom table!

Why don't you go find
the Crazy Bitch table?

Spoiler:
It's not a real table.

-That was implied!
-[groaning]

Who wants to ditch this jester
and tear up Gotham with me?

[laughs menacingly]

Laugh. Laugh with me.

[all laughing nervously]

You know what? Who needs ya?

This table's too far away
from the dance floor anyway.

Ugh, can you believe
those assholes?

You know what?
I don't need 'em.
I'll sit with you guys.

Uh, no. This is
the Joshua best friends' table.

Unless, you're the girl

that Joshua
fingerbanged at Camp.

If I said yes,
would you let me sit here?

Trick question. Joshua has
never fingerbanged anyone.

Ha!

So, Ivy-Ivy-Bo-Bivy.

Um, let me ask you
a personal question.

Have you ever seen
Gotham Central Park...

-From the sky?
-From the sky!

Yeah, you get it.
Okay, you know, I was thinking,

you and I should do
a heist together.

Uh, you know what?

I'm just really kinda worn out
from all the heist stuff.

It's just kinda hard
being such

a weak woman
and whatnot.

Yeah. I bet.

Um, but, hey,
I'll do all the heavy-lifting.

You don't have to break a nail.

It'll be a breeze.

-Breeze.
-Yeah.

It's just 'cause my powers
are wind-based.

You don't have powers!

You just have a kite
like every kid

in every park
across the world.

And she doesn't want
to do a heist with you

'cause you're stupid!

-Do you think I'm stupid?
-I mean, don't you?

These assholes always pretended
to be my friends.

But they're really just...
[screaming] assholes!

They think
I am not in their league,

[screaming]
but they don't know shit!

Hi, girls.
So glad you could come.

I know we're all evil here,

but maybe we could
put a little sugar

on that salty language,

you know, for the kids.

Sorry, Mrs. Cobblepot.

Yeah, never again. Sorry.

Dude, we got to
get the fuck out of here.

Hell, no. I'm not giving up.

I'll show these Legion guys

I can do something
not even they can!

[Harley] What's one thing
in this room,

none of them
ever had the balls to try?

-[Poison Ivy] The fruit salad?
-[sneezes]

Even worse.

I'm gonna rob the Gotham Mint.

Oh.

No cuts!

All right, Stop.
Let's get real for a second.

The Gotham Mint
is impenetrable.

They're so confident,

they rented the atrium out
to the Legion of Doom.

Look, I'm doing this thing,
all right?

-What if Batman shows up?
-I'll kill him.

-Where's the getaway car?
-I'll steal one.

-Where will you put
all the money?
-Look around.

Every kid's wearing a backpack.

Gah! Look, Ivy,

all the reasons you said
it can't work

are exactly the reasons
I gotta do it!

They might not like me,

but they will respect
the shit out of me.

All right, fine. Just go.
Go steal the money.

Just do me one favor, okay?
Don't leave me alone here,

because... Oh!

Party's a drag, huh?

[raspy voice] I really
should quit, but, I just can't.

Go away, fragile child.

Hey, how about we ditch
this shindig

and sneak into
a PG-13 movie?

[all grunting]

My love potion?

I stole your juice
and I gave it to these kids.

-Hell yeah!
-You're an idiot.

Ooh, you mispronounced
"genius."

No, that potion makes people
fall in love with me

and then kills them.

-What?
-Yes! What did you think,

you kite-fucking freak?

My name is Poison Ivy.

Damn! See, this is why
I stick to the kites.

So simple.

Ha!

[Harley grunts]

[grunts]

The vault must be
around here somewhere.

[yelps]

Bingo.

-[grunts]
-[grunting in pain]

[grunts]

[guard screaming]

[Harley grunts]

We gotta get an antidote
before these kids die.

It's in my apartment
across town,

so we need to get there quick.

Quick as a kite?

-Oh, God.
-Weather permitting.

Fine, hit the button.

Is it raining out?

It looked a little overcast
when I came in.

Oh, shut the fuck up.
Let's go.

...look at
my phone here.

No, I think we're good.

[girl screaming]

Ugh! My chicken is rubbery.

Mmm, your beef looks good.

Uh, fine.

Ah, ah, I might finish that.

Oh, well, then,
what are we doing?

Hey, everybody,
let's give it up

for Joshua's
bar mitzvah, huh?

[all applauding]

It was very special for me.

It was when I realized
it was my dream

to become a crime lord.

-[all] Aw.
-[sniffles]

So today, I force that dream
on to you.

[crowd cheering]

[guard wincing in pain]

[Penguin]
Okay, Joshua ...

Get ready for your first caper.

Good luck fighting off
the guards,

also known as

Gotham Chucklehut's
finest improvisers...

and stealing that cash-ola,

otherwise known as...

Joshua Bucks?

Oh, no!

Go, Joshua... Oh, my God!

Hey, Joshy,
mazel tov.

-[man screaming]
-[laughing menacingly]

This is fantastic.

You're probably
not laughing

because this is sort of
how you screw up.

[Bane groans]

-You ruined the bar mitzvah.
-[crowd booing]

-And crippled
an improv troupe!
-Meh. Well.

And that's our show, folks!

-I got this.
-[gun cocking]

Say good night, puddin'.

You think [panting]
this is gonna...

[voice breaking] stop me?

[Joker laughs]
She even sounds like you.

Oh, I don't think...
Do I sound like...

[Bane] You never hear
your own voice, I guess.

-[laughing menacingly]
-[Harley groans]

Sometimes, I just fly

to have a quiet place
to think.

You know, just really let
my thoughts just run wild.

Thoughts? Plural?

[Poison Ivy] All right,
I'll get the antidote.

And you know, just don't,
like, touch anything.

Uh... [muttering]

All right, let's boogie.

Kite Man?

Oh, no.

Kite Man. Hell yeah!

What are you doing?

Getting ready to have sex.

Why?

Because after a great date,
you usually have sex.

[laughing]

Sorry, sorry.
I was gonna say something,

but I wanted to see
how all this played out.

-Oh, shut up, Frank.
-Ooh!

I'm gonna need you to
put your clothes back on

because this was not a date.

Excuse me,
if this wasn't a date,

why did you bring me back
to your place?

For the antidote!

Oh, I thought
that was just a line.

-Why would I use
a line on you?
-I don't know!

I mean why would you
even have me come?

I mean, a cab
would've been faster.

You know it, I know it,
we all know it.

Jesus, get dressed.

[heart beating]

["Hava Nagila" playing]

Cut the song.
No Horah for Harley.

Hey, it's gonna take
more than a souped up parasol

to keep me
from kicking your ass,

you fat flightless bird.

The mouth on her.

What better way
to become a man than by--

Ooh, than touching
your umbrella? Whoo.

Yes, I've been waiting
for this!

Any last words

before I kill your dumb blonde,
stupid, smelly...

[whispering]
That's too many adjectives.

...idiot ass?

Hey, Joshua,
make sure you aim it

directly at my head,

'cause you don't want to miss

in front of your friends
and family.

I won't miss.

I don't know.

That trembly finger's telling
a different story.

It's not trembly.

I just... I've never shot
an umbrella before.

I bet there are a lot of things
that you've never done

like drunk a beer.

I drunk a beer,
like all the time.

I always drunk beers.

I bet you still believe
in Santy Claus.

I don't! I'm Jewish
and today, I'm a man.

Oh, that's right,

I forgot I'm talking to
a newly grown man.

I mean, after all,
you've already
fingerbanged somebody.

[crowd gasps]

-Wait, what?
-I mean, you have, haven't you?

You didn't lie about such
an important milestone, right?

-Yeah, it happened.
-Are you sure?

[stuttering]
I... I don't know.

So, um, obviously,
I misread some signals.

[Poison Ivy] Mm-hmm.

I hope me taking off my clothes
didn't come across as...

Creepy? It did. It didn't. Did.

Right. Yeah, no. I apologize.

It's just, I have never been
alone with a woman

of your caliber.

-Oh, you don't have to--
-Your eyes, your smile...

Your silky, shimmering...

Oh, God.
You know what?

Strong woman... osity?
The... [stutters]

I'm gonna be
quiet for a while.

[Poison Ivy] You know,
it is kind of cool

seeing the park from the sky.

I mean,
when you're not talking,

and we're just kinda
soaring majestically,

you're not so bad.

Hell yeah.

Oh, shit.

Something's going on
down there.

[stuttering]
I... I don't know.

It was at camp, at night.

It was me and her
and it was dark.

I definitely did something.

Oh, Joshy.

Do you really think
you're ready to kill someone

if you've never even
finger blasted a girl?

[grunts] You're right.

I'm not ready.

-[Joshua sobbing]
-[crowd gasping]

I told you we should've
gotten him the dollhouse

like he asked, Oswald.

It's not a doll house!

It's an army base

with sound effects
of real screams

and it's the only thing
I wanted!

-You're dead, Quinn.
-[gun cocking]

-[glass shattering]
-[grunting]

[groaning] Hell, yeah!

Hey, did they do cake yet?

Not yet.

[groans]

I though that was gonna be
way cooler.

[clears throat] Harley!

You're not a solo act.

You're a sidekick,
an afterthought.

No one is ever going to
take you seriously.

Admit you're nothing
without me

and you walk away alive.

Or you can die.

[laughing menacingly]

Well, easy choice.

Uh, lovely bar mitzvah.
Mazel, mazel.

-Are you leaving?
-Ha, no.

I ain't admitting shit!

Boys?

-I got Two-Face.
-I got Scarecrow.

I, um...

Oh, dear God.

Oh, wow.

[grunting]

You're looming.

Um, all right, well,
I'll take, um...

If you don't mind,
if you could scooch
just a little.

Boom! On-site coordinator.

Looking kinda brittle there.
Won't see it comi--

[grunting]

I wanna go home.

[laughing]

[shrieking] Ive, gun!

Got it.

Hey!

[screaming]

[crowd screaming]

Let's get out of here.

No, let's fight.
Maybe Kite Man can help.

[grunting]

Bane!

Quit dicking around
with Kite Man

and get those two.

But he was attacking me.

With what? A kite?

Just do what I tell you,
you dumb, freakish monster.

Bane, why are you letting him
talk to you like that?

In fact, why do
any of you

let him talk to you like that?

He doesn't even have powers!

His only power is bullying you
into doing what he wants.

I should know.
He did it to me for years.

Don't listen to her.
She's nothing!

She makes a good point.

I don't like
how you called me a monster.

-Yeah, that was pretty harsh.
-Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God!
It's just an expression.

Also, let's talk
about dinner.

I selected the beef
well in advance

and you stole it from me.

You said you didn't even

want to come
to this "stupid thing."

-[crowd gasps]
-[Bane] My feelings exactly.

This is a monumental night
for young Joshua.

I'm the Joker, all right?

I was joking, okay?

Oh, my God!
I'll kill Harley myself.

Ivy, if you could just,
you know, move over,

so I could just
kill your friend.

Absolutely.
Over my dead body.

Ugh! Female friendships.

Ha!

[snarling]

[yelps]

[cell phone ringing]

Hold on. [chuckles]

I'm getting a cell call
from my contractor.

What? This is the Joker.
Come again. Yeah, whatever.

What do you mean
they're not going
to start till 10:00?

Ugh! Can you believe this?

They're calling it
a residential zone.

It's an
abandoned amusement park

at the end of a rotting pier!

[gasps] I'll, uh...
Yeah, coming over right now.

Let's put a pin in this.

You understand. [chuckles]

-So, are we good to leave now?
-Yeah.

I can't believe you talked me
into coming to this.

Don't forget
your party favors.

[both]
Thank you, Mrs. Cobblepot.

Aw, such sweet girls.

So, do you realize now

that you don't have
to prove to anyone

how awesome you are?

Yes, except for
the Legion of Doom.

I need to get into
the Legion of Doom.

What? After all of this,

why would you wanna be
a part of that club?

Those guys are such dicks.

No, not all of 'em.

When we were leaving,
Bane said, "You go, girl!"

No, he distinctly said,
"Ooh, Go-GURT.

Ooh, what, they had Go-GURT?
Oh, man.

Ivy, listen. Anyone who is
a respected supervillain

is in the Legion of Doom.

That's when you know
you've made it.

If Joker can get in,
so can I!

So that is what I'm gonna do.

What you need to do

is get these 13-year-old boys
out of this apartment.

They're starting to take root.

Ah! Okay, boys.

So, I got the antidote

to turn you back
into humans, okay?

But the only effective way
of doing it

is when
my saliva interacts...

with your saliva.

So, is this a kiss?

No, it's not a kiss.

It is an antidote
delivery system

and nothing more.

You will still be
sexless nerds

by the time
the night is over, okay?

And...

Yuck.

This is procedural, okay?

Yeah, I kissed you
already, buddy.

Yeah, I'm still
a little bit tree.

-Yeah, fuck off,
get out of here.
-Yeah, fuck off, kid.

[theme music playing]