Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Til Death Do Us Part - full transcript
Harley set's off to rule Gotham City and separate herself from being known as "Joker's Girlfriend"
Gentlemen! My fellow whites!
Let's raise a glass
to this pyramid of money.
The foundation
of which was built upon
our favorite pastime.
Fucking the poor!
Party's over,
ya pieces of shit!
This is my money now
so back the fuck off!
Harley Quinn?
I mean,
you think we're afraid
of the Joker's girlfriend?
-So, here's the deal...
Are ya gonna shut the fuck up
so I can talk?
I'm in a lot of pain!
Oh, just give it a minute,
you'll go into shock.
Yeah, there it is.
So, as I was saying
-You made a big mistake
coming alone.
She's not exactly alone.
She brought a plus one!
It's me, Joker!
Apologies,
but your friend, Rupert,
just couldn't face
coming out here.
I'm so sad.
Where's my body?
Puddin'? What the fuck
are ya doing?
You're not supposed to
take his face off yet.
I had this covered.
Yes, but I thought up
that great "plus one" line.
And then I'm not going to
not puppeteer his face.
All right, fine. Do your thing.
So, listen up motherfuckers!
Ya better
jump in the harbor right now,
-or I'm gonna kill
God, really?
You just did it again.
That's because
I forgot I had the acid bomb.
But we agreed I'm the muscle!
I do the hitting!
You know,
you're great, you're great.
You do your thing,
I do my thing.
You're the appetizer.
I'm the entree.
I can't spend my whole life
just bashin' goons.
When Gothamites
hear the name "Harley Quinn,"
I want 'em to piss 'emselves!
I want a taste of that.
You want a taste of... piss?
No, you know what I meant.
God, listen, puddin',
can't you just see me
in the Legion of Doom?
That is just...
You don't want that.
Besides, no,
the Legion of Doom
doesn't give memberships
to sidekicks.
-You have to be
-Partners.
Oh, fuck me.
I wanna be
your partner in crime.
For reals.
-Can we talk about this later?
-If not now, when?
I don't know, tomorrow?
I've kinda got
my hands full right now.
Joke's on you, Joker.
Jesus, this guy.
You'll never
take us alive, Bats!
Love that
fighting spirit, Harley.
But in this fight,
I'm afraid I have to
take a dive.
Uh, dontcha mean "we"?
You know
I'd love to take you, puddin',
but I'd never deny you
the pleasure of buying me
time to escape.
Hey, but what if
I get sent to Arkham?
Then you won't spend
even a single night!
I'll break you out, my love.
I swear.
Or actually, uh,
I have something tonight,
but I'll definitely
get you out before breakfast.
Love ya!
Ow.
Oh, ain't he cute
when he's escapin'?
-No.
You're a cancer, Quinn.
Spreading from
Gotham's lymph nodes
into its spleen.
And God help us
if you get to Gotham's bladder!
But I'm the chemo.
How long's he gonna
keep doin' this?
You're a festering boil, Quinn.
A bedsore.
A tapeworm that sets up shop
in Gotham's lower
-Jim.
-All right.
Where's the Joker?
I'll never give up my puddin'!
Why are you protecting
a psychotic clown who
treats you like garbage?
Asks the guy who fucks bats.
He doesn't do that!
-Jim.
-Sorry.
I'm not tellin' ya shit!
What me and Mistah J have
is real love.
In fact, not too long ago,
we were on a rooftop
just like this.
That's when Mistah J proposed.
Till death do us part.
Ooh! Told ya!
After we get married,
we'll take a cruise
to Barbados,
or maybe a resort
that's all-inclusive.
They say they're all-inclusive,
but that's bullshit!
They charge you for
the towels! Soap!
-Jim.
-Top shelf liquor!
-Jim!
-Right, right.
Give up the Joker, Quinn,
or you're going to Arkham
for life.
Why are we laughing?
'Cause you said "for life"!
-And, as sure as I am
that he fucks bats...
-Okay.
...I know my man'll
break me out of Arkham
before I spend a single night.
Oh! Mistah J?
-Hmm?
-Oh, sorry, my bad.
I mean,
ya looked a little like him.
I don't know
why you bother comin' here.
He's never showing up.
-Fuck off!
- Yeah, fuck off!
But for the record,
he does have a point.
Just give me 15 more minutes.
Joker's probably
still fightin' Batman.
I don't know, hon.
It's, you know,
most superhero fights,
they're not like, eh...
Calendar Man,
how long has she been in here?
Oh, hey, Ivy! 183 days!
Oh, sure. You remember
the incarceration date
of Porn Clown over here
but not your own
son's birthday!
For the last time,
I'm sorry, Debbie!
Come on! I know it's June-ish.
It's okay, Daddy.
I brought you this cactus
to keep you comp
Plant!
There ain't no plant life
within 50 yards
of Poison Ivy, ya moron!
-No wonder your dad
doesn't remember your birthday!
All I'm saying is,
is that you can do
way better than Joker.
I mean,
you're smart, you're strong...
You're in control
of your own destiny.
Leave Joker for who?
Some reliable square
who thinks he's "quirky"
for playin' on a dodgeball team
and calls himself
a "beer nerd"?
-Hmm.
Okay, I know
you're talking about Dan.
It was my first year
at Sarah Lawrence,
there were very slim pickings.
I'm just sayin'
the Joker's excitin'.
He's challenging.
He's psychotic.
He threw you
into a vat of chemicals.
You know, I prefer
to think of it as a
As a vat of freedom sauce!
He literally
made me who I am today.
Aw...
Babe, let's,
let's just be honest.
This isn't the first time
that Joker's...
-...left you here to rot.
He does not love you.
Ya have to leave him.
-And don't say
- You don't
know him like I do!
Harley! Riddle me this.
What did Nadia Comaneci do
when she scored
a perfect ten
on the uneven bars
during the 1976 Montreal Games?
-Win a medal?
-Not menstruate till her 20s?
-Ew.
-She broke a record!
Which is what you sound like!
A broken record.
He's not coming!
That is just
one person's opinion.
He's not coming!
Aw, the fuck do you know?
You're all fuckin' insane.
Or maybe I'm the crazy one.
Mistah J?
Mistah J!
-I knew you'd
Uh,
hola.
Oh, it's you.
How did you get a plant?
I ate an orange
and shit out a seed!
-Thanks, Ivy!
-Okay, let's go.
No! 'Cause I'm waitin'!
For
Joker, yeah, I got it.
You know how long
you been saying that?
-Calendar Man?
-Oh, hi!
Exactly one year today, Ivy.
One year!
Happy Arkham
Anniversary, Harls.
Here's your present.
Uh...
Where am I?
I did not ask
for a fuckin' roommate.
Uh, when you pay rent
you can make decisions, Frank.
Ugh, look what
all those months in Arkham
did to my poor babies.
And where is
that stupid neighbor kid
I hired to water them,
for fuck's sake?
Uh, he quit after a week.
Very unprofes
Really, Frank?
What if his parents
come to look for him?
Unlikely.
What am I doing here?
The Joker's gonna go
crazy with worry
when he tries
to break me out of Arkham
and sees I'm not there!
He does not care!
Our escape
was all over the news
and he has not come to see you.
Oh, my God. You're right.
Somethin' terrible
must have happened to him!
I hope he's okay!
Oh, my God!
What do I have to do
to prove that Joker
does not love you?
Uh, ya can't.
I am outta here!
For once
you're gonna listen.
You were a genius psychiatrist.
Do you remember
how you diagnosed me?
Sure.
A classic misanthrope
with abandonment issues
who befriends plants
to avoid human intimacy.
-Nailed it!
-Frank.
-You helped me.
I can be around people now.
You know, I mean, I hate it,
but I can do it
without vomiting.
Harleen Quinzel
was the only doctor
who ever got through to me.
What do you think
that she would say to you?
Why are you always tied up?
Oh.
Look how square
and boring I look.
Yeah. You look way better now.
Look, I need some help
with a patient.
Oh. Then, sure. Shoot.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna take a guess
that the picture
is talking to you?
Tell her yes,
but to stay out of it
because we are making progress.
The picture says stay out of it
'cause it's making progress.
So, this patient of mine,
she's fixated on
a murderous psychopath
and won't end
their relationship
no matter
how terribly he treats her.
Oh, easy.
Classic abusive codependency.
You just gotta show her
there's no future with him
and she needs to end it
and find her own identity
and...
Oh. I see. You're smart.
I know. I'm you.
The authorities
are still on the hunt
for escaped Arkham inmates
Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn,
and Gotham's funniest villain,
The Rid
Screw that guy!
Name someone
funnier than me, Stan.
-Harley?
-What? No! Sta...
Women aren't funny!
She's standing behind you.
-Oh, hey, Harley.
Ragweed.
That's it? Just "Hey, Harley"?
You left me in Arkham
for a year!
You abandoned me,
you lied to me!
But this is the last time.
I am here to break up with you!
Oh, shit! She's dumpin' you.
No, she's not!
She doesn't call the shots!
Yeah, 'cause I'm callin' a cab.
See ya never.
Oh, shit.
Oh, uh, thank goodness.
She's finally doing
exactly what
I prayed she would.
- What?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Much as it destroys me
to say it, Harley,
I was going to insist
on breaking up,
because it's the only way
to keep you safe.
What the hell
are you talkin' about?
Yes, no, please
continue with your bullshit.
The world's gone mad
since you've been in Arkham.
Have you seen
Commissioner Gordon?
He's lost it.
He wants revenge
because I "paralyzed"
his "partner."
He and Batman
are hell-bent on destroying
everyone I care about.
That's why
you didn't come get me?
-Keeping you away from me
was the only way
to protect you.
And still is.
So, I'm afraid, my dear,
this is a...
Oh, it's a
heartbreaking goodbye.
-Uh, no, no wait!
-No! No "wait."
-This is
what you wanted, Harley!
-Is it?
It is, yes.
You came here to do this.
Yes! Listen to
your awful friend.
So, this is really the end?
-Yep. This is it. Let's go.
-Unless...
-Unless what?
Unless our love is so powerful
-even the threat of death
can't keep us apart.
Oh, screw it!
I'll die for you any day.
-I'm in!
-Really? Me too!
- Mwah!
What the fuck just happened?
We're gonna need
some privacy, Ive.
Sorry, but it's gonna get
real gross, real quick.
On and off.
And on and off.
Everything lives
and everything dies.
-Jim?
-I wasn't playing with it.
-It's the Riddler.
We hear he's got a riddle
so funny
it makes
people's brains explode.
And he plans to broadcast it
on live TV.
Not if I solve it first.
Oh, and hey,
I was thinking about
having some friends over
to the house for
a barbecue if
-No.
-All right.
And they say
it's so funny it makes
people's brains explode!
Let me take your mind
off the Riddler.
I made some bread puddin'
for my puddin'.
Okay.
You're not grasping
the impact of this.
Funny is
my thing
and this asshole's
trying to steal it on live TV!
Also, are those raisins?
I mean, why?
They're chocolate chips.
Sorry.
I do love chocolate chips.
I apologize, puddin'.
It just seems like
every time I turn around,
someone's gushing over
the Riddler.
I mean, seriously,
his whole schtick
is being the world's
most indirect asshole!
Okay, how about this?
If I kill the Riddler
in the next hour,
can we still have date night?
I got a Reese Witherspoon movie
I was thinkin' we could watch.
Well, I do love my Reese.
All right. Kill him.
But it's
Legally Blonde
or I'm out!
It's
Sweet Home Alabama.
This day... sucks!
Wow, how do they
not find these lairs?
And we're murdering everyone
in Gotham in three, two...
Citizens of Gotham,
Riddler here with a riddle
so hilarious...
...you'll die laughing!
Hey, Riddler.
I got some notes on your show.
It's over, Riddler...
Wait a minute,
what are you doing here?
Buzz off, Batsie,
I'm in the middle of doing
a "notes" bit!
Riddle me this, you two.
What is cold but still burns?
What will eat you
if you drink it? What
-Acid.
-It's acid.
I am not done.
What is... Wait...
Did I say the thing about
cold but it still burns?
-Yes.
-Right.
-No!
-Because it's acid.
Okay, it's acid.
I'm dropping you
in a pool of acid.
You're makin' a big mistake,
'cause when my man
hears about this,
he's gonna come runnin'.
Precisely what I'm counting on.
Why don't I invite him
over right now for
a little game night?
So you don't
have a riddle so funny
it makes
people's brains explode?
-No.
-I knew it!
You won't
get away with this, Riddler.
If there's no riddle,
why are we here?
To play a little game.
Choose one to live
and one to die
and in the acid,
the loser will fry.
Is it the good kind of acid
that gives you super powers?
-No. Choose!
- Aw...
Go ahead. Tell him, Mistah J!
-Deep fry that bat.
-Yes, well, yes, yes.
It would seem an easy choice,
Harley, but...
Puddin'?
Even for you
that's a lot of
maniacal giggling.
Sorry, my little
strung-up pheasant,
-but I couldn't possibly
let this punctuation prick...
- Hey!
...get credit for
killing Batman, now, could I?
Free the bat, drop the broad.
Till death do us part.
But that's not
what really happened, is it?
Aw, shit.
What are you
doin' in my memory?
It's my memory, too, dummy.
First of all,
those weren't violinists.
-And you weren't
dancing with Joker.
And it wasn't
an engagement ring.
But, if all that's true,
then why'd he say
Till death do us part.
Because he didn't say it
to you.
It was him all along,
wasn't it?
It's always been him.
Joker never loved me.
He only loves Batman.
Ivy!
You saved me from the acid!
It's actually
just margarita mix.
It's still kinda stingy.
Okay, I did my part,
so we're square
for you breaking me
out of Arkham?
His... His part?
What's he talking about?
So don't go all
Harley on me, okay?
But I did set
this whole thing up.
I've been telling you forever
that the Joker's
no good for you
but it seemed like
such a hard concept
for you to understand,
so I decided
to let you see it for yourself.
I just wanna crawl back
into that acid and die.
Again, it's margarita mix,
so that doesn't apply.
But look, chin up.
You know, you still got me.
And I care about you so much
that I spent my entire Saturday
setting up something
this fucking stupid.
That's true.
I bet it wasn't easy.
Eh, you know,
the biggest pain in the ass
was just finding
150 gallons of this shit.
I told you
to get a Costco card.
And I told you
I only go there once a year,
so it doesn't
pay for itself, chief!
I can't believe
I wasted years of my life
on that idiot clown!
Oh, boo-fuckin'-hoo.
I spent ten years
in a dog park.
Come talk to me
after a St. Bernard
shits on your face!
-Frank, Jesus.
Harley, I love you in...
In a very odd,
hard-to-articulate way.
And if you just stopped
sabotaging yourself
-Unlikely.
-Right.
But if you did,
the world would be yours.
And you could be any kind of...
I don't know,
circus performer you want.
Yeah. You know, why am I
still wearing this thing?
-I do not know.
Joker-gram!
"Knew you'd make it out.
Let's forget the past.
I sent this idiot to shout,
let's have a bla"
Uh...
Just to be clear.
You don't find this
charming, right?
-No. No, no, no, no, no.
-Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, cool.
I mean, look, you know,
there's obviously
something super romantic
about a man who explodes...
-Right.
-...another man for you.
But, but no.
No, I'm totally
finished with him.
Oh, finally!
Yeah, yeah! You know,
I am so gonna show the world
I am more
than just Joker's girlfriend!
-There ya go! There ya go!
-Mmm-hmm!
-I'm gonna have my own capers!
-Goddamn right you are!
Like, like, like,
I'll kidnap the mayor of Gotham
and I'll put him in a missile
and I'll just, like,
shoot it at the moon
unless he names
a highway after me, huh?
-Uh, um, okay?
-I'm actually
still workshopping that.
-Yeah.
-But me and the Joker,
we are so through!
Okay, cool, yeah. No, for sure.
Huh?
Oh, come on.
Hey, does anyone know
our damn Wi-Fi password?
Harley? Oh. Is that you?
It's me, dickhead.
Uh, by the way,
that's also the Wi-Fi password.
What is?
"It's-me-dickhead?"
or just "me-dickhead"?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
You look fantastic.
Is that new lipstick, or
-Ya treated me bad.
-What?
-Ya lied to me.
-Aw.
-Ya never loved me.
-Come on.
I know that now.
Well, well,
heh, that's nonsense, puddin'.
My motives are never clear!
I'm an agent of chaos!
That's what you love about me!
Not anymore. We're through.
Oh, yeah, this again?
Look, let me make this clear.
You don't
ever break up with me!
I'm the top supervillain
in Gotham.
Not for long.
'Cause you're lookin' at
your replacement.
You? Replace me?
I created you!
You won't even
get out of this building alive
unless I let you.
Bring it, bitch.
Ooh! Ah!
Just say the word
and I'll call it off.
Till death do us part.
Oh, fine. Kill her.
Ooh!
Hell yeah!
Hey, I was just gonna see
if you need any help,
but you seem good.
Love the new look.
Gonna go pick up
some Thai food.
Text me what you want?
Oh wait,
I'll have a green potato curry.
Yeah, but I said...
Just text it to me.
-But you're right here.
-Yeah, but,
I'm not gonna remember it.
And then
you won't like what I get you
-and you're gonna
want some of mine.
Just, just fuckin' text it.
Oh, what?
You gonna kill me now?
No, I want you alive
so I can see the look
on your face
Let's raise a glass
to this pyramid of money.
The foundation
of which was built upon
our favorite pastime.
Fucking the poor!
Party's over,
ya pieces of shit!
This is my money now
so back the fuck off!
Harley Quinn?
I mean,
you think we're afraid
of the Joker's girlfriend?
-So, here's the deal...
Are ya gonna shut the fuck up
so I can talk?
I'm in a lot of pain!
Oh, just give it a minute,
you'll go into shock.
Yeah, there it is.
So, as I was saying
-You made a big mistake
coming alone.
She's not exactly alone.
She brought a plus one!
It's me, Joker!
Apologies,
but your friend, Rupert,
just couldn't face
coming out here.
I'm so sad.
Where's my body?
Puddin'? What the fuck
are ya doing?
You're not supposed to
take his face off yet.
I had this covered.
Yes, but I thought up
that great "plus one" line.
And then I'm not going to
not puppeteer his face.
All right, fine. Do your thing.
So, listen up motherfuckers!
Ya better
jump in the harbor right now,
-or I'm gonna kill
God, really?
You just did it again.
That's because
I forgot I had the acid bomb.
But we agreed I'm the muscle!
I do the hitting!
You know,
you're great, you're great.
You do your thing,
I do my thing.
You're the appetizer.
I'm the entree.
I can't spend my whole life
just bashin' goons.
When Gothamites
hear the name "Harley Quinn,"
I want 'em to piss 'emselves!
I want a taste of that.
You want a taste of... piss?
No, you know what I meant.
God, listen, puddin',
can't you just see me
in the Legion of Doom?
That is just...
You don't want that.
Besides, no,
the Legion of Doom
doesn't give memberships
to sidekicks.
-You have to be
-Partners.
Oh, fuck me.
I wanna be
your partner in crime.
For reals.
-Can we talk about this later?
-If not now, when?
I don't know, tomorrow?
I've kinda got
my hands full right now.
Joke's on you, Joker.
Jesus, this guy.
You'll never
take us alive, Bats!
Love that
fighting spirit, Harley.
But in this fight,
I'm afraid I have to
take a dive.
Uh, dontcha mean "we"?
You know
I'd love to take you, puddin',
but I'd never deny you
the pleasure of buying me
time to escape.
Hey, but what if
I get sent to Arkham?
Then you won't spend
even a single night!
I'll break you out, my love.
I swear.
Or actually, uh,
I have something tonight,
but I'll definitely
get you out before breakfast.
Love ya!
Ow.
Oh, ain't he cute
when he's escapin'?
-No.
You're a cancer, Quinn.
Spreading from
Gotham's lymph nodes
into its spleen.
And God help us
if you get to Gotham's bladder!
But I'm the chemo.
How long's he gonna
keep doin' this?
You're a festering boil, Quinn.
A bedsore.
A tapeworm that sets up shop
in Gotham's lower
-Jim.
-All right.
Where's the Joker?
I'll never give up my puddin'!
Why are you protecting
a psychotic clown who
treats you like garbage?
Asks the guy who fucks bats.
He doesn't do that!
-Jim.
-Sorry.
I'm not tellin' ya shit!
What me and Mistah J have
is real love.
In fact, not too long ago,
we were on a rooftop
just like this.
That's when Mistah J proposed.
Till death do us part.
Ooh! Told ya!
After we get married,
we'll take a cruise
to Barbados,
or maybe a resort
that's all-inclusive.
They say they're all-inclusive,
but that's bullshit!
They charge you for
the towels! Soap!
-Jim.
-Top shelf liquor!
-Jim!
-Right, right.
Give up the Joker, Quinn,
or you're going to Arkham
for life.
Why are we laughing?
'Cause you said "for life"!
-And, as sure as I am
that he fucks bats...
-Okay.
...I know my man'll
break me out of Arkham
before I spend a single night.
Oh! Mistah J?
-Hmm?
-Oh, sorry, my bad.
I mean,
ya looked a little like him.
I don't know
why you bother comin' here.
He's never showing up.
-Fuck off!
- Yeah, fuck off!
But for the record,
he does have a point.
Just give me 15 more minutes.
Joker's probably
still fightin' Batman.
I don't know, hon.
It's, you know,
most superhero fights,
they're not like, eh...
Calendar Man,
how long has she been in here?
Oh, hey, Ivy! 183 days!
Oh, sure. You remember
the incarceration date
of Porn Clown over here
but not your own
son's birthday!
For the last time,
I'm sorry, Debbie!
Come on! I know it's June-ish.
It's okay, Daddy.
I brought you this cactus
to keep you comp
Plant!
There ain't no plant life
within 50 yards
of Poison Ivy, ya moron!
-No wonder your dad
doesn't remember your birthday!
All I'm saying is,
is that you can do
way better than Joker.
I mean,
you're smart, you're strong...
You're in control
of your own destiny.
Leave Joker for who?
Some reliable square
who thinks he's "quirky"
for playin' on a dodgeball team
and calls himself
a "beer nerd"?
-Hmm.
Okay, I know
you're talking about Dan.
It was my first year
at Sarah Lawrence,
there were very slim pickings.
I'm just sayin'
the Joker's excitin'.
He's challenging.
He's psychotic.
He threw you
into a vat of chemicals.
You know, I prefer
to think of it as a
As a vat of freedom sauce!
He literally
made me who I am today.
Aw...
Babe, let's,
let's just be honest.
This isn't the first time
that Joker's...
-...left you here to rot.
He does not love you.
Ya have to leave him.
-And don't say
- You don't
know him like I do!
Harley! Riddle me this.
What did Nadia Comaneci do
when she scored
a perfect ten
on the uneven bars
during the 1976 Montreal Games?
-Win a medal?
-Not menstruate till her 20s?
-Ew.
-She broke a record!
Which is what you sound like!
A broken record.
He's not coming!
That is just
one person's opinion.
He's not coming!
Aw, the fuck do you know?
You're all fuckin' insane.
Or maybe I'm the crazy one.
Mistah J?
Mistah J!
-I knew you'd
Uh,
hola.
Oh, it's you.
How did you get a plant?
I ate an orange
and shit out a seed!
-Thanks, Ivy!
-Okay, let's go.
No! 'Cause I'm waitin'!
For
Joker, yeah, I got it.
You know how long
you been saying that?
-Calendar Man?
-Oh, hi!
Exactly one year today, Ivy.
One year!
Happy Arkham
Anniversary, Harls.
Here's your present.
Uh...
Where am I?
I did not ask
for a fuckin' roommate.
Uh, when you pay rent
you can make decisions, Frank.
Ugh, look what
all those months in Arkham
did to my poor babies.
And where is
that stupid neighbor kid
I hired to water them,
for fuck's sake?
Uh, he quit after a week.
Very unprofes
Really, Frank?
What if his parents
come to look for him?
Unlikely.
What am I doing here?
The Joker's gonna go
crazy with worry
when he tries
to break me out of Arkham
and sees I'm not there!
He does not care!
Our escape
was all over the news
and he has not come to see you.
Oh, my God. You're right.
Somethin' terrible
must have happened to him!
I hope he's okay!
Oh, my God!
What do I have to do
to prove that Joker
does not love you?
Uh, ya can't.
I am outta here!
For once
you're gonna listen.
You were a genius psychiatrist.
Do you remember
how you diagnosed me?
Sure.
A classic misanthrope
with abandonment issues
who befriends plants
to avoid human intimacy.
-Nailed it!
-Frank.
-You helped me.
I can be around people now.
You know, I mean, I hate it,
but I can do it
without vomiting.
Harleen Quinzel
was the only doctor
who ever got through to me.
What do you think
that she would say to you?
Why are you always tied up?
Oh.
Look how square
and boring I look.
Yeah. You look way better now.
Look, I need some help
with a patient.
Oh. Then, sure. Shoot.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna take a guess
that the picture
is talking to you?
Tell her yes,
but to stay out of it
because we are making progress.
The picture says stay out of it
'cause it's making progress.
So, this patient of mine,
she's fixated on
a murderous psychopath
and won't end
their relationship
no matter
how terribly he treats her.
Oh, easy.
Classic abusive codependency.
You just gotta show her
there's no future with him
and she needs to end it
and find her own identity
and...
Oh. I see. You're smart.
I know. I'm you.
The authorities
are still on the hunt
for escaped Arkham inmates
Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn,
and Gotham's funniest villain,
The Rid
Screw that guy!
Name someone
funnier than me, Stan.
-Harley?
-What? No! Sta...
Women aren't funny!
She's standing behind you.
-Oh, hey, Harley.
Ragweed.
That's it? Just "Hey, Harley"?
You left me in Arkham
for a year!
You abandoned me,
you lied to me!
But this is the last time.
I am here to break up with you!
Oh, shit! She's dumpin' you.
No, she's not!
She doesn't call the shots!
Yeah, 'cause I'm callin' a cab.
See ya never.
Oh, shit.
Oh, uh, thank goodness.
She's finally doing
exactly what
I prayed she would.
- What?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Much as it destroys me
to say it, Harley,
I was going to insist
on breaking up,
because it's the only way
to keep you safe.
What the hell
are you talkin' about?
Yes, no, please
continue with your bullshit.
The world's gone mad
since you've been in Arkham.
Have you seen
Commissioner Gordon?
He's lost it.
He wants revenge
because I "paralyzed"
his "partner."
He and Batman
are hell-bent on destroying
everyone I care about.
That's why
you didn't come get me?
-Keeping you away from me
was the only way
to protect you.
And still is.
So, I'm afraid, my dear,
this is a...
Oh, it's a
heartbreaking goodbye.
-Uh, no, no wait!
-No! No "wait."
-This is
what you wanted, Harley!
-Is it?
It is, yes.
You came here to do this.
Yes! Listen to
your awful friend.
So, this is really the end?
-Yep. This is it. Let's go.
-Unless...
-Unless what?
Unless our love is so powerful
-even the threat of death
can't keep us apart.
Oh, screw it!
I'll die for you any day.
-I'm in!
-Really? Me too!
- Mwah!
What the fuck just happened?
We're gonna need
some privacy, Ive.
Sorry, but it's gonna get
real gross, real quick.
On and off.
And on and off.
Everything lives
and everything dies.
-Jim?
-I wasn't playing with it.
-It's the Riddler.
We hear he's got a riddle
so funny
it makes
people's brains explode.
And he plans to broadcast it
on live TV.
Not if I solve it first.
Oh, and hey,
I was thinking about
having some friends over
to the house for
a barbecue if
-No.
-All right.
And they say
it's so funny it makes
people's brains explode!
Let me take your mind
off the Riddler.
I made some bread puddin'
for my puddin'.
Okay.
You're not grasping
the impact of this.
Funny is
my thing
and this asshole's
trying to steal it on live TV!
Also, are those raisins?
I mean, why?
They're chocolate chips.
Sorry.
I do love chocolate chips.
I apologize, puddin'.
It just seems like
every time I turn around,
someone's gushing over
the Riddler.
I mean, seriously,
his whole schtick
is being the world's
most indirect asshole!
Okay, how about this?
If I kill the Riddler
in the next hour,
can we still have date night?
I got a Reese Witherspoon movie
I was thinkin' we could watch.
Well, I do love my Reese.
All right. Kill him.
But it's
Legally Blonde
or I'm out!
It's
Sweet Home Alabama.
This day... sucks!
Wow, how do they
not find these lairs?
And we're murdering everyone
in Gotham in three, two...
Citizens of Gotham,
Riddler here with a riddle
so hilarious...
...you'll die laughing!
Hey, Riddler.
I got some notes on your show.
It's over, Riddler...
Wait a minute,
what are you doing here?
Buzz off, Batsie,
I'm in the middle of doing
a "notes" bit!
Riddle me this, you two.
What is cold but still burns?
What will eat you
if you drink it? What
-Acid.
-It's acid.
I am not done.
What is... Wait...
Did I say the thing about
cold but it still burns?
-Yes.
-Right.
-No!
-Because it's acid.
Okay, it's acid.
I'm dropping you
in a pool of acid.
You're makin' a big mistake,
'cause when my man
hears about this,
he's gonna come runnin'.
Precisely what I'm counting on.
Why don't I invite him
over right now for
a little game night?
So you don't
have a riddle so funny
it makes
people's brains explode?
-No.
-I knew it!
You won't
get away with this, Riddler.
If there's no riddle,
why are we here?
To play a little game.
Choose one to live
and one to die
and in the acid,
the loser will fry.
Is it the good kind of acid
that gives you super powers?
-No. Choose!
- Aw...
Go ahead. Tell him, Mistah J!
-Deep fry that bat.
-Yes, well, yes, yes.
It would seem an easy choice,
Harley, but...
Puddin'?
Even for you
that's a lot of
maniacal giggling.
Sorry, my little
strung-up pheasant,
-but I couldn't possibly
let this punctuation prick...
- Hey!
...get credit for
killing Batman, now, could I?
Free the bat, drop the broad.
Till death do us part.
But that's not
what really happened, is it?
Aw, shit.
What are you
doin' in my memory?
It's my memory, too, dummy.
First of all,
those weren't violinists.
-And you weren't
dancing with Joker.
And it wasn't
an engagement ring.
But, if all that's true,
then why'd he say
Till death do us part.
Because he didn't say it
to you.
It was him all along,
wasn't it?
It's always been him.
Joker never loved me.
He only loves Batman.
Ivy!
You saved me from the acid!
It's actually
just margarita mix.
It's still kinda stingy.
Okay, I did my part,
so we're square
for you breaking me
out of Arkham?
His... His part?
What's he talking about?
So don't go all
Harley on me, okay?
But I did set
this whole thing up.
I've been telling you forever
that the Joker's
no good for you
but it seemed like
such a hard concept
for you to understand,
so I decided
to let you see it for yourself.
I just wanna crawl back
into that acid and die.
Again, it's margarita mix,
so that doesn't apply.
But look, chin up.
You know, you still got me.
And I care about you so much
that I spent my entire Saturday
setting up something
this fucking stupid.
That's true.
I bet it wasn't easy.
Eh, you know,
the biggest pain in the ass
was just finding
150 gallons of this shit.
I told you
to get a Costco card.
And I told you
I only go there once a year,
so it doesn't
pay for itself, chief!
I can't believe
I wasted years of my life
on that idiot clown!
Oh, boo-fuckin'-hoo.
I spent ten years
in a dog park.
Come talk to me
after a St. Bernard
shits on your face!
-Frank, Jesus.
Harley, I love you in...
In a very odd,
hard-to-articulate way.
And if you just stopped
sabotaging yourself
-Unlikely.
-Right.
But if you did,
the world would be yours.
And you could be any kind of...
I don't know,
circus performer you want.
Yeah. You know, why am I
still wearing this thing?
-I do not know.
Joker-gram!
"Knew you'd make it out.
Let's forget the past.
I sent this idiot to shout,
let's have a bla"
Uh...
Just to be clear.
You don't find this
charming, right?
-No. No, no, no, no, no.
-Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, cool.
I mean, look, you know,
there's obviously
something super romantic
about a man who explodes...
-Right.
-...another man for you.
But, but no.
No, I'm totally
finished with him.
Oh, finally!
Yeah, yeah! You know,
I am so gonna show the world
I am more
than just Joker's girlfriend!
-There ya go! There ya go!
-Mmm-hmm!
-I'm gonna have my own capers!
-Goddamn right you are!
Like, like, like,
I'll kidnap the mayor of Gotham
and I'll put him in a missile
and I'll just, like,
shoot it at the moon
unless he names
a highway after me, huh?
-Uh, um, okay?
-I'm actually
still workshopping that.
-Yeah.
-But me and the Joker,
we are so through!
Okay, cool, yeah. No, for sure.
Huh?
Oh, come on.
Hey, does anyone know
our damn Wi-Fi password?
Harley? Oh. Is that you?
It's me, dickhead.
Uh, by the way,
that's also the Wi-Fi password.
What is?
"It's-me-dickhead?"
or just "me-dickhead"?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
You look fantastic.
Is that new lipstick, or
-Ya treated me bad.
-What?
-Ya lied to me.
-Aw.
-Ya never loved me.
-Come on.
I know that now.
Well, well,
heh, that's nonsense, puddin'.
My motives are never clear!
I'm an agent of chaos!
That's what you love about me!
Not anymore. We're through.
Oh, yeah, this again?
Look, let me make this clear.
You don't
ever break up with me!
I'm the top supervillain
in Gotham.
Not for long.
'Cause you're lookin' at
your replacement.
You? Replace me?
I created you!
You won't even
get out of this building alive
unless I let you.
Bring it, bitch.
Ooh! Ah!
Just say the word
and I'll call it off.
Till death do us part.
Oh, fine. Kill her.
Ooh!
Hell yeah!
Hey, I was just gonna see
if you need any help,
but you seem good.
Love the new look.
Gonna go pick up
some Thai food.
Text me what you want?
Oh wait,
I'll have a green potato curry.
Yeah, but I said...
Just text it to me.
-But you're right here.
-Yeah, but,
I'm not gonna remember it.
And then
you won't like what I get you
-and you're gonna
want some of mine.
Just, just fuckin' text it.
Oh, what?
You gonna kill me now?
No, I want you alive
so I can see the look
on your face