Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - You're a Damn Good Cop, Jim Gordon - full transcript

Oh, that was awesome!

Everyone brought their A-game!

I mean, Psycho,
when you made those T-Rex bones
just come to life

and then chase
that guard... Mwah!

Wait, did you just steal
King Tut's body?

Ugh, I was going to see that
on Sunday.

See it? Now you can touch it.

Yeah, but I've never been,
like, in a museum

and thought, "Oh, I wish
I could touch this dead body."

Uh, well, someone must wanna

'cause it was under
heavy guard.



And, we needed a new ottoman.

We'll get used to it.

The news must be all over this.

Let's see what they're sayin'
about us on Villainy.evil.

Wait... What?

KGBeast's getting nominated
for the Legion of Doom?

I'm way better than him.

People must be freaking out
in the comments.

"This was long overdue. Yay."

"Worked with him
on three assassinations.

So professional.

Couldn't have happened
to a better guy."

Screw you, better guy.

What the hell does it take
to get nominated?



Ooh, look,
here's one about you,

"Why's no one talking
about Harley Quinn?

I'd like to nominate her
to sit on my face."

Okay, well, that... Mm.

Should have read it through.

Um, do you wanna just,
like, use your words?

I've been busting my ass
to get noticed by the Legion
for the last two months.

I've done everything
there is to do.

You mean we've done?

Yeah, I was using
the royal "I."

Sorry for the rant.
I'm, I'm, I'm fine now.

Okay, now I'm fine.

Hey, so, I can't help
but notice you're being
extra Harley today.

And I just, honestly,

I don't understand
your obsession
with the Legion of Doom.

I mean, those guys
are genuinely pieces of shit.

Uh, yeah. Obviously.

But those pieces of shit
are the only people Joker
ever treated as equals.

I'll never match up to him
unless I'm in the Legion, too.

Okay, so, what you're saying is

you're not over your ex,

and you wanna throw
your success in his face.

Exactly.

Honestly, that might be
the most relatable thing
you've ever said.

All right, people,
listen, I want ideas.

Somethin' that's gonna get us
on the Legion of Doom's radar.

I could call my old pal
Hank Kissinger.

I'm sure he hasa few war crimes
he never pulled off.

I know we're criminals,

but are we really
war criminals?

No one thinks
they're a war criminal,

then you find yourself aiding
a separatist movement

to overthrow
a democratically elected leader

and boom,
you're a war criminal.

Maybe we could steal
some new computers

'cause that one
you smashed was mine.

That's it. WayneTech.

You wanna legally
purchase computers?

I wasn't thinkin' legal,

and I wasn't
thinking computers.

We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne.

All right, this is what
we're going after.

It's beautiful.

And on the 26th floor.

Cool. How we gonna
get it down?

We'll Fast and Furious 7 it.

Guys, that's the one
where they shoot a car

from one skyscraper
into another skyscraper.

But, you know, ultimately,
they're just all about family.

Clayface, activate
"Operation Douche."

Uh, sir, please,
have you seen my daughter?

I mean well, technically,
I'm not her father.

I mean, you see, the Lord hath
cursed me with empathy, it's...

for my wife strayed.

It's an emotionally
complex tale,

that, if you have
two hours to spare,

I can burden you
with my tale of woe.

Harley, thank you
for letting me
use my brains, for once.

Most people don't let me be
who I am.

Ooh, okay, I see
what we're workin' with here.

I can hack
the first three doors,

but the retinal scanner
at the entrance to the room
is on you.

24,

25,

26.

Here we go.

Oh, shit.

Now why was
she put down so gently?

Um, because she's not
a misogynist troll that
should be living in a well?

Psycho, focus.

It's even more beautiful
in person.

Listen, could you do your
dumb twisty twirls
and get the bike,

so we can get
the hell out of here?

Hello, what the hell
are you doing?

Stealing whatever's in here,
it's "even more restricted."

Oh, perfect.

"Even more restricted."

You're the psycho.

Mind you,
that wasn't the first time
I was cuckolded--

I called an audible.
Let's get the hell out of here.

My arm.

It's too late.
We got to go.

But my arm.

You just called an audible.

Can't we call another one
and get my limb?

Can't you just grow a new one?

And where the fuck is Psycho?

Is that the...

I am a golden god.

Ah. Damn it.

Fuckin' hell.

Oh, you little bitch.

Oh, don't you--

Jim, what's wrong?

Ah... It's Barb.

You know, she's sleeping
with someone else.

And the worst part,
I can't blame her.

I mean, a woman
can only go so long

watching the dead eyes
of her lover thrust atop her,

before she looks
for something new.

So, you didn't call me
about the break-in
at Wayne Enterprises?

What? No.

Oh, this is about
the break-down of my marriage.

The signal is for emergencies.

-Well...
-Emergencies.

You've abused it.

Look, my personal life
is a mess right now,

and I thought I could talk
about that with my friend.

We're co-workers.

Harley stole some
highly sensitive tech
from Wayne Enterprises.

In her hands,
it could be catastrophic.

Oh, well, then, I'm on it,

co-worker.

Here, evidence
from the crime scene.

-Yeah, what's that?
-Ask it yourself.

You used to be
such a damn good cop.

I damn still am.

Prove it.

Oh, that was awesome.

Everyone kicked major ass.

I mean, Psycho, when you froze
that security guard, mwah!

Ah-uh. Don't you dare
Italian chef finger kiss

any part of that disaster.

You screwed up the plan.

I'm ready for the heist,

and it's-a gonna
be-a delicious.

Hm.

Aye, aye, aye,
aye, aye, oye.

Aye.

Shit. I missed the heist,
didn't I?

If you could call it that.

Clayface lost his arm.

No, no, it's fine.

I'll just play
one-armed characters
for the rest of my career.

Perhaps they'll make
a sequel to 127 Hours.

There has been light buzz.

You guys are thinkin'
small-time, all right?

This is a way bigger score
than that bike.

This, this thing is a...

a highly classified
technological device

that's gonna blow the minds
of the Legion of Doom.

You have no idea
what that does, do you?

Yes, I do.

Something...

Something button related?

Look, either way,
it is obviously important.

I bet you this heist's
all over the news.

I mean, look,
this is what I'm talkin' about.

We even got reviewed
by The Cowled Critic.

I mean, he's like
the only reviewer
the Legion of Doom reads.

All right, I learned
something today, Cowlheads,

and that is Harley Quinn
and her crew aren't worthy
of Legionnaires' disease,

let alone the Legion of Doom.

-Wait, what?
-But what should
I have expected

when the crew has
the universally hated
Dr. Psycho,

- and his hussy new girlfriend,
Poison Ivy.

Oh, fuck off.

That is completely
out of context.

I knew I should've let you
fall to your death.

And the piece de resistance?

Harley Quinn is so inept,

she left behind a member
of her own team

who is now in the hands
of the Gotham Police.

What the hell's
he talkin' about?

We all made it back
in one piece.

Not exactly.

Tell me where Harley Quinn is.

I just wanna
get back to my dad.

All right. Okay, okay.

Well, okay.

How about if you
tell me about him?

I can't, 'cause I'm not
supposed to talk to strangers.

Oh, but I'm not a stranger.

No, my name is Jim.

I'm a hardworking detective
with a beautiful wife

who won't touch me
even though I treat her
like a queen

and do everything for her.

Everything!

But that's not your problem.

Well, she doesn't sound
like a friend to me.

That's exactly what I've been
saying to anyone
who would listen to me.

Which is no one.

But that's not
what we're here to talk about.

But maybe it should be, Jim.

My God, you're right...

So, it knows
everything you know?

Yes, we've been over this.

My arm is a piece of me.

But it wouldn't
give away our location,

turn us in,
testify against us, would it?

Who knows? It's like a kid.

It'll do anything for approval.

Huh, wonder
where it got that from.

Ugh, if he squeals,
the Cowled Critic
will have a field day,

and the Legion of Doom
will never take me.

But, mostly,
we'll all be in prison
for the rest of our lives.

Oh, yeah, that, that too.

And I'll never get my lost,
little right hand man back.

Yeah, that, that,
that too, too.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, you know what,

I think I speak for everyone
when I say

that this is completely
fucking stupid.

Can you please fire me now,
so I can get some unemployment?

Okay. No one's going anywhere.

'Cause we're gonna
rescue your arm.

We are gonna break into
the Gotham City
Police Department.

If we pull it off,
the Legion'll call us
in no time.

Oh, and Clayface
will have two arms.

Look, I'd love to come along,
and support you but--

But ya wanna find the critic
that said you're the biggest
fuck up on my crew

and tear him a new asshole,
I get it, I get it.

I will not be slandered.

I'll help. I'll help you
smack him around a little bit.

What? For you. Obviously.

I mean, I can't let this
anonymous asshole talk shit
about my best friend, right?

Aw, Ive,
you'd hurt him for me?

Yes. Absolutely.

And because he claimed
I'm fucking Psycho.

But mostly for you, babe.

But also for me.

But for you.
For us.

It's fine.
Let's go.

I can't believe that
bad old Batman took away
your special signal.

After all the cases
I've helped him solve.

I'm the one
that does the grunt work.

All I ask is that occasionally

when my wife
is emotionally distant
during sex, he listens.

Not to the sex,

But, to me,
talking about the...

Yeah.

Jim, you sound
like a really good cop.

You know, it's just been
so long since I've heard
someone else say that, I was...

I was just starting to wonder
if it was really true.

It's true to me... friend.

A one armed officer...
The stories my mind is weaving.

Ooh. How could he lose it?
A shootout? Maybe.

An explosion? Perhaps!
I know, diabetes!

So, when they arrest me,
I go full shark

and start a riot to cause
a distraction?

Yep!
Easy as one, two--

Shark!

Okay, okay. Plan B. Clayface,
you gotta distract 'em.

Brilliant! Hm,
what do cops love?

It is I again,
your fellow officer.

Hello, chums. I come
baring horrible news!

Joker has kidnapped
Bruce Springsteen.

Some rat fuck stole The Boss!

Don't worry, The Boss.

We're coming for you, Boss!

Hello?
My husband's been murdered

and the killer's still
in the ho--

Come on. Just tell me
where Harley's lair is.

I'm your friend, not them.
You said it yourself.

You mean that?

You're not just pretending?

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.

I was, but then
you listened to me

graphically explain
the problematic intercourse

I'm having with my wife and...

Well, gosh darn it,
you didn't judge me.

Well, Jim, you can't judge
what you don't understand.

God, you're so wise.

Aw, thanks, friend.

You know what? I'm gonna
tell you where the lair is.

The lair is on--

-Don't tell him anything!
-My child!

Give us The Arm, Gordon. Now!

Oh, Jim, don't let 'em take me.

You need me, right?
'Cause I'm... I'm epidence?

Ho-ho-hold on there, crazy guy.

You're a lot more
than just "epidence."

And I'm not going
to let these animals touch you.

If you've got ears, stick
your fingers in 'em right now

because I'm about to work blue.

I'm gonna fuck you to death
with bullets!

So, you found The Cowled
Critic's house because you--

Heard it through the grapevine.
Yeah, it is a real thing.

Oh, shit.
It's you. Of course, it's you!

-Who's she?
-My ex-wife.

Why are you
at my boyfriend's house?

Quick side bar.
How did this work... sexually?

Not great!

Oh, I should have called this!

I know you're
The Cowled Critic!

You gave that review sayin'

me and chick weed here
are a couple.

You think I care about you
and your jolly green whore?

Okay. I'm standing right here.

I don't have time
to give some review.

I'm too busy
getting cunnilingus
from my new boyfriend,

- Brad, who's amazing at it.
- Oh, come on.

Only weak men do that.

Oh, fuckin' hell!

Call me. In other news,

if you didn't
write the review, who did?

Father.

Herman?

Just give us The Arm, Gordon.

You'll have to kill me first!

He's my friend. My only friend!

What about Batman?

He's no friend.

Now that Batman's abandoned me,
this hand is all I have.

So, you'll have to pry
this hand out of
my cold dead... hand.

Why can't you
just leave us alone?

What he said!

Okay. He's sidin' with Gordon.

He's gonna snitch
and ruin everything,

and I will never
get into the Legion.

-And I'd like to have two arms.
-Oh.

Yeah, that too.

All right. Two options, Gordy.

Give us The Arm and we leave,

or I press this button

and blow this whole fuckin'
place sky-high.

Harley, this wasn't the plan.

We have no idea
what that button does.

I gotta do something crazy
and in the chaos
we'll grab The Arm.

Okay. You winked.
Is that a wink?

That-- "No, I'm not going
to press the button?"

Is that a wink? "I am going
to press the button?"

What's the plan?

-Exactly.
-What?

You've got three seconds
to put that button down

or I'll pull this trigger.
So help me God.

Three... two... one.

Ah...

Uh, well, I wasn't
expecting that.

What the hell?

So, Quinn,
you pressed the button.

Yeah, I don't think you got
all the kinks worked out.

It's in beta.

Wow! I always wondered
what the Batcave looked like.

So this must be
where you fuck the bats.

- Hmm.
- -Are you gonna help me or what?

You've seen the Batcave.

Give me one reason
why I shouldn't let you drop.

Um... Uh...

Hey, Bats, yeah, I'm here
on a mercy mission, okay?

Gordon's on the roof
of the police department.

He's lost his mind.

I mean, I think he's suicidal.
He-- He said you abandoned him.

I don't know
what he wants from me.

We're co-workers.

My screensaver
just kicked in, didn't it?

Yeah. It sure did.

I mean, he said
you put your work
before your friendship.

That's real... Selfish.

You know, Bats,
now that I think about it,

you and I ain't that different.

We're completely different.

We're both bad asses
who look good in spandex.

This polymer body armor
is made from indestructible
micro-fiber.

Yeah, no, it looks
like spandex.

My friend just lost his arm

and, instead of helpin' him
get it back,

I did what would help me
get into the Legion of Doom.

I let him down.

Just like you let Gordon down.

Not good at... emotion.

Or...

Vocabulary.

But hey, you got a chance
to repair it, okay?

We need to get Gordon
before he does somethin' crazy.

Your friend needs you now.

Hmm.

Herman, my sweet Herman.

Listen, I understand
your monster mom

saying those things about me,
but my brood, my own kin?

You made my entire life
a living hell.

You locked me
in the basement for days...

-Mm-hmm.
-...killed anyone
who seemed to like me...

-That's true.
-...never bought me
a WayneStation4...

-All right.
-Fuck! You named me Herman!

You're the worst father ever!

Okay. Can we just
take a step back?

I made your life
a living hell...

-because I care about you.
-What?

Supervillains don't come
from happy homes.

and I saw so much
evil potential in you.

If I didn't think you could
become the worst person
in the world,

I wouldn't have tried so hard
to make your life awful.

I...

I only ever wanted
to impress you,

but I never thought
I was evil enough.

Uh-uh-uh. Nuh-uh.
No. Don't cry. Don't cry.

You're gonna make me cry
because I thought
I failed as a father,

and you ended up happy,
and heroic.

But look at you.

You're more evil
than I could've dreamed.

I couldn't be more
proud of you, my terrible son.

I hate you, Dad.
I hate you so much.

I hate you too, son.

This is so fucked up,

but weirdly really moving.

All right, I'm going to
let you guys go.

I'm going to go find Brad.

If you want to stay
with Gordon, I understand.

I only want you to be
safe and...

Safe and happy.

-Holy shit! Can we
do that again?
-No.

Oh, so you came back.

Well, I've got a new friend now

-so there's nothing
you can say--
-I'm sorry, Jim.

I'm sorry, too.

I knew you'd realize
our friendship means

more than just
our day-to-day crime fighting.

And that we can lean
on each other for our
most intimate emotional needs.

Sure.

A damn good bat signal.

- Well...
- For a damn good cop.

Aw...

Thank you for everything,
The Arm.

But I've got my real friend
back now,

so you can go on.

Go get reabsorbed
back into your daddy.

Aw, don't do that.

Don't make this harder
than it needs to be.

Oh, Jim. I'll never forget yo--

Well done!

All right, Quinn. Time for me
to take you to Arkham.

Wait, what? I just repaired

your most important
adult relationship.

- Everybody hands up!
- Hands in the air.

- You're under arrest!
- Not so fast, gentlemen.

Dance, coppers!

Let's go. Let's get outta here.

What a pussy!

...and so it is
with a humble heart,

that I come to, Cowlheads,
retracting my previous review.

Harley Quinn and her crew have
more than proven themselves.

Look, look, obviously
I want to get into
the Legion of Doom super bad.

It's incredibly
important to me,

but not more important
than you guys.

Check this out, everybody!

And I want to give a special
shout out to Dr. Psycho,

who I slandered
in my last review.

Feeling really bad about that.

Using his amazing brain powers,
he made Batman vanish.

His super cool son
must be so proud.

-Uh... That's not what--
-Let him have this.

Also want to apologize
for saying

Poison Ivy
and Dr. Psycho are a couple.

That one's on me.

-Ah, thank God.
-Finally.

Harley Quinn and her crew are
worthy of being nominated

for this year's class
of the Legion of Doom.

if she could only just stop
leaving crew members behind.

We didn't leave anybody--

Oh, shit!

Mm.

Mm.

Darrell, if you ever bring me
inferior toilet wine again,

I'll be forced to shank you
in the showers

and you know
I don't want to do that.

I like being "cool boss."

Hey, King. I am so sorry for
leavin' ya here for so long.

Oh, no problem.

It allowed me
to experience firsthand

the failings of the prison
industrial complex.

- Yeah! Fresh fish!
- Here fishy,
fishy, fishy, fishy.

Now, fellas, look, I know
it's just in fun, but...

What the fuck did I
tell you about that word?

-Oh, yeah. Sorry, King.
-Ooh. Sorry about that.

Oh. They're learning.

Baby steps, right, Harley?

I will kill each
and every one of you

with my bare hands
if I have to!