Hard Cell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

82% of women are in prison
for nonviolent crimes.

The justice system is
rigged against them.

All a women needs to do

is teeter on the edges of
society's expectation of her.

And what do we do? We bang her up,
often for no more than a misdemeanor.

Case in point, what
are you in here for?

- Seven counts of battery and assault.
- That's a bad example. What about you?

- Armed robbery.
- Nope.

I had a dispute
with an Uber driver.

A dispute with an Uber driver.

The little lady dared speak
up, and now she's in prison.



He took the long way around,

so I stabbed him in the
neck, left him for dead.

Just cut this stuff out.

Anyway, I won't
keep you. Hwyl fawr.

Now, while it's fresh in my mind,
I got "stout," "owls" and "maps."

I definitely heard "Toffifee."

Let's try and make that happen.

It is incredibly important to
me that my inmates are heard.

And I put my hands up, I don't always
understand what Sian is saying.

Hey, Laura!

Or ever.

Hi, Laura.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Probably as well as any I know.



Good times.

But it's not Sian's responsibility
to make herself understood.

It is my responsibility
to understand her.

I snapped at her the other day
and I feel very bad about that.

So I'm going to make it
up to her. Enter loan.

I don't know why I didn't
think of this before.

He is a guard from a sister
prison, and he's Welsh.

And he's agreed to come
down and act as translator.

He's from a valley in Wales,
and so is Sian, probably.

So that should work
out quite well.

We've been emailing back and
forth. Some very good bants.

And as you can see,
he's quite a dish.

Yum-yum.

Are we single?

- I decided to put my career first.
- Did you?

Not this career.

Writing and performing our
own musical is a challenge,

but I'm really impressed the
way everyone's got on board.

This is, uh, more
personal to them.

So it starts, "I'm a faceless
person, forgotten and unknown,

frightened that mistakes
I've made define me."

Read that first line again.

"I'm a faceless person,
forgotten and unknown."

Yeah, that's nice.

How about this?

Blimey.

That kind of Elton
feel to it, I think.

Or…

Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo. Britain has
got talent. Give me that again.

Yeah.

- Yeah! See, that's nice.
- Mmm! Mmm!

- What you did before…
- Mm-hmm.

…don't do it again.

- Okay.
- From the top.

It's not everyone's cup of tea,
coming into a place like this,

'cause you've got a lot of
different personalities to manage.

And some of those personalities
have killed people.

The Kardashian story
is very much my story.

There's a little bit
of all of them in me.

"I'm excited."

"I'm excited."

"I'm excited."

"I'm excited."

"I'm excited."

So I think you'll agree it's
a very exciting prospect.

Noted.

- "I'm excited!"
- "I'm excited."

- "I'm excited!"
- "I'm excited!"

And that is how we agreed that the
Kardashian medley was an integral part

of this devised piece
of prison theater.

I've never felt so
fucking at peace.

This whole experience is
a game changer for me.

I mean, I'm used to being
a solitary performer,

and now I find myself the
linchpin of an ensemble.

And it is proper fucking
artistic stuff too.

This is it for me now.

Head down, do my time, get out.

There's a new world
waiting for me out there,

and it is called "the theater."

This is fucking great!

Jesus Christ.

Fucking killing me!

Fuck!

Did you just spread
yogurt on your head?

It is hair mist. Just
another way to scent.

- It smells strong.
- Thank you.

- Is it for loan?
- What's "Yo-an"?

The Welsh guard whom whose photo
you've been looking at all morning.

- "Eye-oh-an."
- "Yo-an."

- Spell it?
- I-O-A-N.

"Eye-oh-an."

- "Yo-an."
- "Yo-an"?

Are you part Welsh?

- You making up your own hours now?
- I was having my scan.

Oh! Did they give you that little
picture that looks like an alien?

I didn't bother keeping it.
I've got no one to show it to.

Did they tell you
what you're having?

Don't need to. I can tell
it's a girl. Poor cow.

- What is that smell?
- It's hair mist.

Oh, didn't you know? It's
just another way to scent.

Is he a bit of a knob?

Oh, yes. I thought you
knew. He's a massive knob.

Definitely this time. My
mammy's coming to visit!

Can't wait. I've not seen her
since, like, I've been in here.

'Cause we've both been,
you know, really busy.

Plus, it just breaks her
heart to see me in here,

so it's no wonder she's
not come before now.

We've got so much
lost time to make up.

That's why we're gonna
cane it on this road trip.

Road trip!

Yeah!

You better fucking
have got that.

I mean, that's
just, like, fucking…

That's like...

That's White Men Can't
Jump shit, that is.

You fucking... You didn't get
it? Are you fucking joking?

Go on, girl.

Get in.

Yes!

- Right there, did you get it?
- Wow.

Did you get that?

They didn't fucking get it!

- Aw!
- Are you... Are you joking with me?

Again? Do you know
how hard that is?

Things are getting
worse with Anastasia.

Please, Anastasia, I'm
gonna have to get a guard.

No, you're not, because
snitches get stitches.

What have I ever done to you?

But with my new found
prison confidence,

I spoke to Vicki,
who spoke to Laura,

who moved me back here with
Fat Pat, where I belong.

Heaven.

Don't patronize me because
you think I'm blind.

All right, then.

Oh!

Serves her right.

- I've got a new business.
- What's your new business?

- Robbing herbs.
- How's business?

It'll take thyme, but
we're gonna make a mint.

I don't get it.

"Thyme" with a Y, boo.

I've got a new business.

- Oh, God.
- What's your new business?

- Selling spices.
- How's business?

Oregano.

- No, that doesn't work.
- Come on, boo. Focus.

Go on, Sal.

It's kinder to look away.

That didn't go in, did it?

- Not in the hoop, boo, no.
- I'll get it.

Having a nice time with your
new cellmate, you little snitch?

Yes, thank you. I'm
having a really nice time.

And it means I don't have to
tolerate any more of your nonsense,

you nasty streak of piss.

Yes, Ange!

Yeah!

Charlee spudded me.

Like that.

I just went with it.

Come on, Flange!

Coming!

You got this? Inmates' art.

Not bad, is it?

I mean, it's not bad.

And then some of them…

Cutting out shapes.

Cutting out shapes.

It's a mixed bag, innit?

"Pat Pat."

Now she's gotta be 40-odd.

And this…

Oh, here's what we'll do.

I'll draw this.

I'm thinking, "Oh, do you know
what would make it look better?"

If I shade it in more.

So I'll do it again.

What I won't do is
shade that one in more.

I mean, what is it?

Viv, can I have a quick word?

Just a moment. Let me
shake off Kourtney.

Go on.

It's hard for me to say this, but
I feel you have a right to know.

Look, I think you're
incredibly talented,

which is why I'm so angry
right now with what's going on.

Right.

I've tried to keep it from you. Oh,
maybe I just shouldn't say anything.

Okay.

Ange is telling everyone that all
your Kardashians sound the same.

I see.

"Mammy."

I don't suppose you
got any Toffifee.

No, that's Fi. I'm Sal. But,
no, we don't have any toffee.

No, Toffifee.

That's right, no toffee.

But again, I'm
Sal, and that's Fi.

Yeah, I know, Sal. I'm
not asking for toffee.

Good, because we
haven't got any.

I'm asking about those
things you get at Christmas.

You know, caramel cup with
a chocolate button on top.

- You mean "To-fee-fee"?
- No, I mean "Toffee-fee."

- Okay, let's leave it.
- Do you mean "To-fa-fee"?

You call Toffifee,
"To-fa-fee," Fi?

What's a "fa-fee-fee"?
It's "To-fa-fee."

I don't know. To-fee-fee.
To-fa-fee. To-foo-foo.

Bloody minefield
this is, isn't it?

Call it what you like! I
don't want any trouble!

Sorry. Sorry.

Sometimes I forget
I'm in a safe place.

He can't get me here.

But the triggers
are still there.

The last time I mispronounced something,
I ended up with three stitches in my head.

That's the beauty
of prison, though.

The freedom.

To-fee-fee!

Sal is one of the few people

whose life genuinely
improved when she got here.

From day one, her
relief was palpable.

All she wanted was
to start again.

And when Cal arrived,
she got her wish.

They like being
together so much,

they deliberately nixed
their parole hearings

to extend their stay.

They have been very
creative over the years.

Come on, ladies. You know
this isn't the answer.

Shut it, screw!

So sorry, Gary!

I know I look like a soft
touch for allowing it,

but they're not hurting anyone,

apart from Gary.

Why shouldn't they have
a bit of happiness?

Plus, he can be quite annoying.

It's all our families, look!

Get the fuck...

- Mammy!
- You look like shite.

Oh!

I can't... I can't
believe you're here.

Oh!

I-I know... I know it sounds mad, but
I-I thought you were never gonna come.

I got you some of
your favorites.

I don't like Doritos.

Oh. Those are for me.

Took me ages getting through the security.
Place is a joke, wasting my time.

- Is that Willis woman still the governor?
- Laura. Yeah.

Yeah, she's the one who's making the
"Songs From the Inside" thing happen.

Yeah, as governors
go, she's all right.

She's a fucking waste of space.

Fucking waste of space
and I don't like her.

Oh! It's so good to see you!

Well, I can't stay long.

I've got to go and see a
man about the camper van.

You what?

- You've already found us a camper van?
- Gotta pay for it by the end of the week.

Otherwise, we lose the fucker.

- How much is it?
- How much is in the joint account?

9,700.

This is 9,705.

Are you... Shit! Are
you fucking joking?

That's so close!
What are we gonna do?

- It's all right. I can make up the extra.
- For real?

Fucking great!

So you need to transfer all the cash over
from that stupid bastard Sebastian to me.

Wait, Mammy. I have a
whole month left in here.

Why don't we keep Sebastian on the hook?
Get him paying into the account still?

Then when I get out, we got
loads more money to spend!

Because I have to pay for
it by the end of the week.

Why don't you listen,
you half-wit mongrel?

Now get the money transferred
so I can pay the man,

and we can go on the road trip of
a lifetime in a fucking camper van.

I just want everything to
be nice when you come out.

I'll get those little air
fresheners in the shape of a tree.

Yeah. Stickers that say, "You
just got passed by a girl."

Fun stuff like that.

I want to be here, waiting
to pick you up in it

when you walk through that door.

That's all I want.

Oh. Mammy…

So you'll transfer
the money, will you?

So there's one less thing
for me to worry about?

Of course!

Great! Gotta bounce.
See yo use in a month.

Wait, I'll see you in
two weeks for the show.

- What?
- I got you a front-row seat.

- See you!
- See yo use!

You gotta duck and dive, babe.
You gotta... Boom! Don't you?

You gotta... Oh, got you there, didn't I?
Nearly got you there. Come on. Come on.

Ducking and diving.

Fuck!

Teaching 'em well.

Teaching 'em well.

OMG, you guys!

Too cute.

We should live stream this. Yay!

This is a TikTok in the
making, 'cause all that…

People love that, don't they?

Oh, I forgot to
say. Loan's here.

Mmm!

That hair mist is
still holding up.

Hey. Mind your business. It's
just another way to scent.

Here we go. Come on, then.

It's... It's easy!

He checks one. He checks
two. He checks three.

Oh!

Oh!

Come on.

Hello, everyone.

Bore da, Sian.

That just means hello.

Bore da, Yoon.

I-yoon.

I-yoon. Yoo-yoon.

- Ah-yoon.
- Loan.

Can I call you Ian?

- Yeah.
- Diolch.

Okay. Here we are,
together at last.

I am immensely proud of the
diversity in this prison.

Obviously, I can't take any credit.
That's just a happy coincidence.

But if it were up to me,

I would pack this place to the
rafters with all sorts of minorities.

The more the merrier.

Because, in my book,

our differences are
what make us the same.

I don't actually have a book, but
I do have a TED Talk coming up.

It's called, "I Know Why
the Caged Bird Sings."

But I can tell you all
about that later, Ian.

We are here because I want to
understand your Welshness, Sian.

These are Welsh.

Welsh cakes.

And it is this area of Welshness
that I'm most interested in.

I know how uprooted you feel
about being here, I think.

How every day challenges your
sense of Celtic pride and self,

I'm guessing.

I see it, I feel
it, and it hurts.

That's why Ian's here.

To make sense of
your pain/accent.

Over to you, Sian.

Oh, well…

Yeah, so, uh

my kids to come see it.

Uh, what else? Oh, I know.

Well, don't... Don't
sugarcoat it for me, Ian.

How bad is it?

First of all, can
I just tell you

great idea. Probably
yours, right?

Do it again and lead me in.

- See, missed it already.
- Didn't know you were gonna start then.

No.

- Too soon.
- No. That was "no" as in, "I'm not ready."

Why did you sing it then?

I was pointing for ages then.

Yes!

Yes? I thought it was no.

- No, I was just saying...
- Oh, just forget it. Forget it.

It's stupid.

Oh, she did mention a…

Legend!

Right. Well, that has
cleared up a lot of things.

Thank you.

I mean, these are just
flat scones, aren't they?

Quite dry.

Three weeks in and this is
where we find ourselves.

They've made all this up.

As far as I can gather, the main
themes are women, prison and violence,

so no one's strayed too far
out of their comfort zone.

But it has been set to a banging tune,
and the finale's a big ol' knife fight.

I mean, fair play to them.
They've jumped right in.

I wouldn't have had Pat Pat
down as a street dancer,

but she is surprisingly
light on her feet.

All right, Big Viv.

Don't worry about this massive grin on
my chops. My solicitor's just told me...

Ooh!

Bloody hell!

Sorry about that.

It's just something
that had to be done.

- What did I do? What did I do?
- Ange, please, try to calm some.

To be fair, I am
late for my break.

Thank you so much, loan.

Yoan... Yo... The rest of it.

My pleasure, Laura,
my absolute pleasure.

Look, I know it's not
strictly professional

but I feel this great
connection between us.

I'm down here a couple of days and
I'd really like to see you again.

I mean I'd really
like to see you again.

Uh…

Ain't that the truth?

Oh, that will be for me.

Oh yeah, yeah, off you go.

Saved by the bloody bell. What's
the point? What's the point?

She's cracking isn't she?

And I know it sounds silly,
but her hair smells lovely.

All right, gay boy.

Not gay, boo. Just from Essex.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, you wish.

Pretty dramatic day all around.

Not really.

Ange is going to be fine.

It wasn't a broken nose,
just a perforated septum,

so no long-term breathing
difficulties, probably.

Big Viv is back in solitary and has
requested access to the Sky Arts channel.

Request denied.

Fucking excited now, are ya?

Shame about Ian.

I thought there was a spark, but
couldn't understand a word he said.

As for Sian's request, prison regulations
forbid live nocturnal animals.

I made an exception
for the stout.

For you.

For you.

For you.

And your Toffifee.

Oh, Toffifee!

Just have to keep plugging
away and hope my ear adjusts.

Onwards.

Still, Charlee gave me this.

And our TikTok has been viewed
by upwards of 156 people.

We're practically trending,
so pretty good day all around.