Hard Cell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

You cannot put a price on
the power of creativity.

Creativity leads to productivity,
which leads to self-esteem,

which leads to inmates being
less likely to re-offend.

So, I've invested in a
job-lot of modeling clay.

- As all good governors should.
- Danke.

But it's gone missing,
hasn't it? All that clay.

Some clay has gone
missing. Yeah.

I see that as a win.

Yo use don't takes what
yo use don't likes.

Unless, of course, you're in a prison full
of thieves who will nick any old shit.

This... This is Sebastian.



This is Sebastian.

He's one of those people that
writes to women in prison.

Thinks everyone behind
bars needs saving.

You know the sort.

The sort that could easily get
taken advantage of financially.

And, unfortunately,
that's what's happened.

'Cause when I said to him, "Will
you save up money for a camper van,

top-of-the-range camper van, so that
when I'm out we can go traveling?"

I didn't mean him and me.

I meant me and my mammy.

We're going on a road trip.

The road trip of our lives.

Road trip!

Sebastian's not coming.



You're not invited.

Don't tell him.

But you know what, love, it
makes us do strange things.

And he fell in love with this.

Well, actually he fell
in love with this.

That's me.

My hair was longer.

You had that?

You wouldn't get that in Essex.

Not even on the men.

As if clay wasn't enough
to be getting on with,

she's now introduced an open-door
policy. "Anyone. Anything. Anytime."

Which is Latin for, "I'm dreadfully
inept, but please like me."

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Oh, it's not the
beginning of a joke,

I just didn't know if I
could walk straight in.

Yes, yes, I'm available to all of my
inmates. Anyone, anything, anytime.

Sound.

So, I was just wondering,
as it's visiting day,

do I have any visitors?

Well, let us have a look.

Uh…

Ros, you do.

Is it my mammy? It's
my mammy, isn't it?

It's Sebastian.

Oh, right, grand.

It doesn't have the
same vibe, does it?

I'm sorry, Ros. Maybe
she'll come soon.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's definitely
going to come soon. Come on.

Poor Ros.

First day of rehearsals for
all my little musical boos.

Exciting, ain't it?

- Exciting!
- I do feel nervous.

I've got a new business!

What's your new business?

I put on musicals
at the airport.

How's business?

It's a runway success.

Runaway. Runaway
success, as in "runway."

No?

Nah.

I got down to the last 32 on Love
Island. I've got nothing to prove.

Laura, we've got an idea.

Great. Anyone,
anything, anytime.

We want to talk to you
about competitive rolling.

- Shall we talk about your idea first?
- That is our idea.

Excellent.

We could put
Woldsley on the map.

Make it a center of athletic excellence.
Go on, Madge, show her what you do.

Mm-hmm.

Now do it backwards.

We could start a
league. Do doubles.

Or what's that thing they do when
all those swimmers do it together?

- Synchronized.
- Come on, Jean.

Show her what you got.

Go.

Oh. Oh!

We'd wear proper kit and all.

- Hi. Hello.
- Hello.

Can you take your
jacket off, please?

Step through.

Go over there.

Nice.

You have yourself
a nice day, okay?

In person, Rosalind looks
very different from her photo.

Can you believe this was taken
on the day she arrived in prison?

The experience has ravaged her.

But she will be out soon.

And we will be driving
along the road to redemption

in our new recreational vehicle
Volkswagen California Coast 2.0 TDI.

That I will have paid for
but registered in her name.

And with God's love and determination,
she will get back to looking like this.

Yes.

I hear you're playing Maria.

You must have a good voice.

West Side Story.

It was my idea, you know.

Of course it was.

Like the clay.

Oh, give it a rest,
Dean. What don't you get?

The more deposits you put
into the bank of creativity,

the greater the interest is
on the balance of rewards

when you come to withdraw
the deposits of creativity

from the previously saved bank…

Account.

You might want to tighten
that up before your TED Talk.

- Because that, it didn't make sense.
- Mm. Clay makes sense. Oh…

How are your ankles?

- What?
- They get big, don't they?

Balloon up. Big,
puffy, balloon ankles.

I mean, that's why I thought you'd
be better off working in here

instead of in the laundry. Less
time on your big, balloon ankles.

What's it like being pregnant?

I used to put a cushion up my
jumper to see what it felt like.

- Does it feel like that?
- Again, what?

I don't have kids.

A conscious decision.

Too demanding. Too restrictive.

- Too late now.
- No. No, it's not. Nicole Kidman, 41.

Gwen Stefani, 44. Geena Davis,
twins, 48. So, still plenty of time.

I didn't realize this job
would involve so much chat.

Hmm. Noted. I will
try to rein that in.

She didn't have to give
you this job, you know?

Was it nice of her to
give me a desk job?

Was it nice of her to talk
about my puffy ankles?

I mean, this is going on
the telly. What a prick!

I prefer doing this than be
out there working, don't you?

I love my job.

You get to come in and make a connection
with all these women during their stay.

It's the stuff of life, is that.

Oh, yeah, it's life's rich
tapestry in here, innit?

Plus, you never know who's
coming through them doors.

Oh, you having that one, Gal.

Eh?

Right, what's going on?
Come on, tell me everything.

- I always find visiting days hard.
- Why, 'cause we get a shorter lunch break?

I'm not here for me.
I'm here for them.

That's why I took this job. To give
something back. Make a difference.

I took this job because I can get
to work without changing tubes.

Are they treating you all right?

Do you want some food?

Oh, you trying
something new there, Fi?

We all struggle with blending, but just
remember, highlight is not a weapon.

Fuck off.

Don't know what you're in here for,
boo, but that contouring's criminal.

Oh.

That's not one of my best lines.

No visitors?

Oh, yeah, but I've asked them
to wait until I've filed these.

- Oh, you don't have to do that.
- That was a joke.

- Because you don't have any visitors.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Want to do a TikTok?
- What?

- TikTok. We could do a TikTok.
- No.

- Sure?
- I'll do a TikTok with you.

'Cause that sounds like a
great use of everyone's time.

You make me so happy,
Rosalind. I'm so proud of you.

I'm counting down the days until
you are free, and it's not long now.

I cannot wait to show
you off to my family.

They are going to
love you as I do.

Mama Dede and Auntie
Nala pray every night

for the continued redemption
of your wicked soul.

I said to them, respectfully,
"She does not need your prayers.

I have looked into her eyes and
I see the purest of all souls.

And I know with all my heart
that she can do no wrong."

Hey, Mr. Tom Jones, you are
big in Africa, do you know?

Thank you.

I do feel bad about taking
advantage of Sebastian,

because, uh, well, yeah,
it's theft, basically.

But, in my defense,
I am a criminal.

And he knew that.

So, it's on him, really.

It's not like I tried to
pretend to be anything I'm not.

Apart from that.

You had that?

Pretend Parker Bowles is married to
a Tom Jones lookalikey in real life.

What?

It's not unusual.

Now that is one
of my best lines.

He's laughing already.
Don't leave me hanging, Gal.

Bye!

Let's be having you.

Laura came good on her word.

And I've got a new cellmate.

Please, Anastasia, it
is my baseball cap.

No, this is my baseball cap.

My kids gave me that cap.

My uncle gave me this cap.

Please, Anastasia.

What a shame you lost your cap.
If I find it, I'll let you know.

Actually, on second thought, I will
have a go of this singing lark.

- Oh, we've got a new addition.
- Yeah.

Who's in the house? She's in the
house. My mammy's in the house.

My mammy's in the house...

Have you read that email
from the board yet?

- I chose not to.
- On what basis?

On the basis, they
have a tendency lately

to be very negative
and extremely personal.

It's understandable. Leading
from the front, again.

When in doubt, ignore,
ignore, ignore.

Can't hear you, can't
hear you, can't hear you.

This one might be worth a look.

- No, thank you.
- Laura.

Read the email.

Hmm.

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck.

So some of the girls I
haven't met yet, but...

Cheryl, the cast list
said I was ensemble,

which is incorrect,
I'm playing Bernard-O.

Uh, you mean Bernardo?

Yes, Bernard-O. And I've highlighted
my script using a highlighter.

All right, girls.

Uh, most of you know
Martin, our musical maestro,

and, uh, this is Tom…
…our dance captain.

He'll be putting you
through your paces.

Right, who's up for a sing song?

Ah, ah, ah. A few house rules.
No drill, no jazz, no folk.

Meow.

No wonder Daddy wouldn't buy her
a bow-wow. Thing's got rabies.

- Cheryl, do you have a minute?
- Mm.

Change of plan.

We've been refused the
rights to West Side Story.

- What?
- I just read the email.

That's a bit late in the day.

Actually, it's a bit late in the
week, because they sent it Monday.

I put off reading it,
which I now regret.

What are we going to do?

Well, unless anyone has an
in with Andrew Lloyd Webber…

- Do you?
- No.

Then could we make
up our own one?

- What? Make up our own musical?
- If you think that's a possibility.

- I don't.
- Well, I do.

Because I have faith in you,
and I have faith in these women.

What an opportunity.

I mean, thinking about it,
it's actually better this way.

Break a leg, everyone! That
just means good luck, Vivian.

I could hardly sleep, I was that excited.
It's a great thing you've done here.

I don't know what you're
saying. Nobody does.

Look, we've got to try.

I can't pull the rug from under their
creative feet now. It's too important.

They're already invested.

Plus, I've had a grant
from the government,

and everyone's expecting a full-blown
production in just under a month.

Please don't film
me from behind!

I know you're still doing it.

Yeah.

You'll do.

What?

Pride in the way I look.
What's the matter with that?

It's wasted in here.

So, shame about your West Side
Story. That's got to be a blow.

Yes, well, it is surprisingly difficult
to get permission to do musicals.

I've heard that. Plus,
they probably caught wind

of last year's Fiddler on the Roof scandal
and thought, "Not a chance in hell."

It was a talent show. The point
of putting on a talent show

is to show people's talents.

Hey!

However, we have all learned a lot
from our diversity training since then.

Oh, for goodness sake,
Doug! Every time.

Have you found the clay yet?

- No.
- I don't think he knows about the clay.

Doug, a lot of clay has gone missing,
so could you find that, please?

Yep!

- I love Doug.
- Oh, yeah. He da man.

I'm sorry I haven't got better
news, ladies. But it is what it is.

So what's that mean? We're
not doing West Side Story?

- But we started learning the songs.
- I learned... I learned 'em.

We were going to be Sharks.
Puerto Rican Sharks.

- Mm-hmm.
- We were looking forward to that.

Sorry, we can't use any
of it. Songs or script.

Well, can't we do
another musical instead?

Lion King!

Too late now. We won't
get permission in time.

So, what are we going to do?

Current thinking is that
we'd write our own one.

- Write our own musical? Fuck off.
- Hear, hear.

See, I knew this would
be a waste of time.

- Fuck off on writing our own musical.
- For real.

Let's not give up on
ourselves so easily.

We throw away this opportunity,
we throw away our power.

Mm-hmm.

We're strong, proud women,
and we deserve to be heard!

- True.
- We've got everything we need.

- We've got each other.
- We've got each other.

I reckon I'd be pretty good
at writing songs, as it goes.

Come on! This is supposed to be about
us taking back our narrative, anyway.

Right there.

We've got our own
stories, haven't we?

Oh God, here we go.

Satiric.

That's really hard, to find
something that rhymes with lyrics.

We certainly do have
our own stories.

She's here because one day she fought
back against a lifetime of domestic abuse.

And she's here because she made
a stand against global warming.

Our stories are very different.

I often say, "They had to
lock me up to set me free."

And much to my surprise, after
17 happy years of marriage,

I feel the same.

Heather, I don't know if you
know, but we're gay for the stay.

- We're not.
- Could we work with that?

- It already rhymes.
- What are we going to call it?

All right, Martine, jump on your
keyboard and do us some chords.

Oh, yeah, come on, Martine.

Charlee's got the voice.

I've got the moves. Hey,
come on, let's do it!

What about Songs
From The Inside?

That's amazing.

Oh, my God, that rhymed.

I'm really good at this.

I just got chills.

So what's the sitch
with Bernard-O?

What rhymes with "hat"?

Bat.

Yes.

Wait, do you mean, like, the
cricket one or the Halloween one?

Probably the cricket one. But
I think either could work.

Actually, no, definitely
the cricket one.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And then, she said,
"Synchronized,"

and I get down on the floor and
start rolling round with Gormless.

But I'll tell you what,
her open-door policy

isn't as good as her open-bag
policy, because we got this.

Powder.

- Can I have some?
- Is there any lipstick?

- What about that one?
- Oh, do you like that?

- I love that.
- Ooh.

- Who wants a pencil?
- Me.

I've had some fantastic
news from my solicitor.

I don't want to speak too
soon or jinx anything,

but it's looking likely that
my trial will get thrown out.

But if I've got any chance of
surviving while I'm in here,

I've got to learn how
to stand my ground.

Some of the girls said that
they're going to help me out.

You know, just with swearing
and insults. That sort of thing.

Ros has even started
calling me "Flange."

I hope that catches on, because
that would give me some real cred.

You're nothing in here
without a nickname.

No Hat Cathy, she said she's going
to help me find my prison walk.

Apparently, if you bounce
more on the balls of your feet

you're less likely
to be easy prey.

- Yeah, that's it.
- Or…

Ooh!

You've landed on
your feet again.

Word's got around they're really
enjoying writing their own musical.

Are they? Thank God for that.

- Whew! That's a relief.
- I bet it is.

- And they've already given it a name.
- Have they?

- What's it called?
- Songs From The Inside.

Well, that is brilliant.

Because "inside,"
meaning prison,

and also "inside,"
meaning of themselves.

And that is all down to
my leadership skills.

Well, A, no it isn't, because,
B, you haven't got any.

Mmm. It's not about making
the right decision, Dean,

it's about making
the decision right.

And I've made the decision
that doesn't make any sense.

At the end of the day, it's
all about communication.

Communication and listening.

Which one is it?
Communication or listening.

Listening. Just give people the chance
to be heard and let them do the rest.

She's got an idea but
she don't want to say.

- You'll think it's stupid.
- There are no stupid ideas.

Not here, not with me.

The stupid thing would
be to say nothing,

then we could all miss out on
a great idea. How about that?

All right.

Well, I was thinking we could
get a load of cats in here,

so that everyone's
got their own cat.

Maybe two or three each,
because cats are nice.

- Yeah, tell her about the milk.
- Yeah.

We could milk 'em, use their
milk to save on the milk bill,

which could make us
carbon neutral. Win-win.

- Leave it with you, then?
- Okey-dokes.

Yeah, I think it's about time to draw
a line under the open-door policy.

What, you're not going to
run with the cat idea? Why?

- Fuck you.
- The savings alone are a no-brainer.

Fuck you twice.

- I think I found your clay.
- Oh.

What's that noise?

You hear that?

Is that the sound of me
landing on my feet again?

Yes, it is. Oh, she's on fire.

I wish you were.

- Dear God.
- Yep.

- Are these what I think they are?
- Yep.

- What do you think they are?
- I found 12 boxes.

Does that account for
all the missing clay?

No, I guess that
some are already…

In circulation?

I mean, what are they thinking.
They're not even glazed.

Oh, this one looks glazed.

I'm not sure that's glazing.

Some of the women ended up
in hospital with toxic shock,

which was a shame,
but not surprising.

I just wish it wasn't
always so hard.

No pun intended.

I am the custodian of these
women's lives while they're here.

It's supposed to be difficult.
I'm up for the challenge.

I just would like one day
where things go my way.

It doesn't even have
to be a full day.

- I'm not moving.
- You go, Flange.

So take your big
feet somewhere else.

Yeah!

- Go on, move in there, you do it.
- Go on then!

- Fa...
- Come on…

Fatso.

Sorry, Pat.

Don't apologize!

That's right. That's
right. That's right.

And your hair is shit.