Hard Cell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

The plumbing needed fixing.

There was money set aside
in the budget to fix it,

but instead, I plowed
that money into materials

for our upcoming musical
project, West Side Story.

Due to start rehearsals today,

which incidentally,
could be a game changer.

Could lead to
wide-scale prison reform

thanks to one idea I had.

But I digress.

The plumbing broke.
So far, so what?

So far, 300 women
haven't showered,



cleaned their teeth or flushed
the toilet for 48 hours.

The stench is unbelievable.

They can, however,

thumb through their personalized,
hand-bound parchment songbook,

so every cloud…

This is what my detractors
would call "a perfect storm."

I think your detractors would call
this a public health emergency

due to gross mismanagement
of prison funds, but…

- Yeah, well you say "pot ah to."
- No one says "pot ah to."

Oh, my God, you can
almost taste it.

Don't even… I know,
this is so COVID-19.

Have you seen this lot?

Look, you wouldn't think we
were just outside Billericay.

You had the
mujahideen over there?



I mean, you don't want
this footage getting out.

I don't know how any of them
have got an appetite, anyway.

Because we don't all go home and
eat posh gay food, that's why.

I'm not gay, boo.
I'm just from Essex.

The porridge has
been made with milk!

It's usually made with water,
but it's been made with milk!

Jean's found the silver
lining in the water shortage.

Mmm! Oh, that's delicious!

Mmm, if it didn't smell
so much of shit in here,

this would be one of
my top three brekkies.

That's a low bar.

Ah, this might be
Tubby bye-byes for me.

Most def time for
Tubby bye-byes.

- Delivery for Laura Willis.
- Yeah.

500 bottles of hand sanitizer,
300 gallons of water,

and one portable toilet.

- Who's that for?
- Me.

You've got your own toilet?

I am the governor of
this prison, Dean.

- Can I use it?
- No.

- But I'm your number two.
- It's not for number twos.

- Why not?
- Why would it be?

So, just to clarify, this
toilet, not for number twos?

- I'm afraid not.
- Got it.

Um, it's not... It's
not that much, is it?

No, that's before VAT and
delivery. It's that much.

Good.

Yikesaroo, chica.

But if you turn the electricity
off in the prison one day a week,

- you may claw some of that back.
- Mmm.

Just a thought.

She's probably considering
that. Try not to breathe inside!

Fuck you very much!

Three days in and nothing
could've prepared me for this.

I don't like causing trouble.

Fat Pat is lovely and has
made me feel very welcome,

but she's not adhering to the "no
passing of solids in the basin" rule.

All right, Ange.

All right, Fat Pat.

Pass us the bog roll, Ange.

I've requested a cell move.

I've got a new business!

What's your new business?

Selling yo-yos.

How's business?

Up and down.

Very good. That's very good.

They all play this game called
"I've Got a New Business."

- It goes like this: I say…
- I've got a new business.

- Then you say…
- What's your new business?

Then I say what my
new business is.

I'm making plates
for Greek weddings.

- Then you say, "How's business?"
- "How's business?"

Then I tell you how my new
business is going using a shit pun.

I'm smashing it.

Hey!

Pathetic.

I'm a baker!

Do you mean, "I've
got a new business"?

Yes, that's what
I mean, isn't it?

Put that one, too, over there.

Let's move that
new inmate, Paula.

- Angela?
- Angela, is it?

- Yes, let's move her to a new cell.
- Is she not happy with the view?

No, Dean. She's not happy with
the way the system has failed her.

She clearly doesn't belong here, nor
does she have the tools to survive.

Plus, Fat Pat keeps
shitting in the sink,

so I think we can cut
the woman some slack.

This is not something I can say in here
very often, but that woman is innocent.

- Who, me?
- No, not you.

- I am though, miss.
- No, you're not.

- Am though.
- No, you're not.

- I'm innocent, miss. Am!
- No, you're not.

- No, you're not.
- I'm innocent, miss.

You're never getting out.

Ms. Cheryl Fergison,

esteemed soap star turned director
for musicals in women's prisons,

is in the building!

I wasn't on the rota, but I swapped
shifts so I could greet her.

She'll appreciate
a friendly face.

This face.

Here she is, repeat
EastEnder offender…

I thought that was a good one.

Oh, my God, I had prepared
for it to smell in here,

but I didn't think it would be
this bad. It's like an open sewer.

Apologies for that. The water is
off, but I can't detect anything

other than the heady scent
of Lady Trott's talent.

I'm regretting this
already. Who's he?

I'm not here because
I love prison theater.

I'm not here to help out
or because I like Cheryl.

I'm here because
I'm a gun for hire,

and this pays better
than theater right now.

I'll get that!

- I'll get that. I'll get that.
- Have you got anything in your pockets?

Oh, sorry. Yeah, my keys.

I got it! I got it!

See that? I got it.

What are you like, eh?

Walking straight through, bold as
brass, no care for coin or keys.

- Who are you?
- You!

I knew you'd be trouble.

I'm only joking.

- No, I will not be in your musical.
- I am not going to last long in here.

It's really worthwhile, Martin.

I've done this before and I
can tell you, it feels good.

These women get no excitement.
That's why we're here.

That was amazing!

That was just like
being a kid again.

We used to do so much fun
stuff when I was little.

I mean, loads of it.

Like... Like jumping off things,

and throwing things

and stealing things.

That was the most fun part.

And that's the thing that
made my mammy the most proud.

- I love you, Mammy!
- The guards are coming!

- Whoa.
- Oh, for goodness' sake, Doug, every time!

Be careful what
you're doing there.

That is human waste you have
nearly slopped all over me.

And thank you for
being so near to it.

What is this all about?

I don't know. Could it
be the ice cream van?

Don't be ridiculous. It usually
signals some sort of emergency.

But in case you're right, I'll
have raspberry ripple, one scoop.

Two scoops!

I'm sure it's nothing, folks,

but we are going to a
holding area for safety.

For safety?

It's fine, it's fine, but this
inmate needs to be somewhere secure.

- What inmate?
- This inmate.

That's Cheryl. We've
met. Not an inmate.

Sorry, Cheryl. The alarm's going
off, so I couldn't see you properly.

Pop yourself in there. I don't think
this is going to take very long.

Has someone been shivved?

Eight shows a week
in the West End,

but all you've got to watch out for
is the price of the Häagen-Dazs.

Whereas here, not only am I being
slowly poisoned by the smell of caca,

at any given moment, I could be jumped
by Myra Hindley singing Bernstein.

You're not in any danger.

That's easy for you to
say, Cheryl. Look at you.

They're not going to mess with you.
Whereas me, I'm low-hanging fruit.

Why don't you get your keyboard
out? It might distract you.

Do I look like someone who
could be easily distracted?

Classic tune!

Written by The Troggs
in 1967, I do believe.

I don't know and I don't care.

This is the 1994 Wet Wet Wet version,
and I should know. I was there.

Code Blue, Gal. Code Blue.

That's the all-clear, folks.

- What a shame, eh?
- Yeah, gutted.

I thought it was really good.

Do you know what this is?

Another Health and Safety violation?
The theft of government property?

- The misuse of communal supplies?
- Shall I tell you?

- Sure.
- Progress.

- Is it?
- 100%.

How so?

This was no passive act.
Think what it required.

Imagination, planning,
commitment, execution,

the building blocks
of rehabilitation.

I feel a TED talk coming.

This was an invaluable
experience and my gift to them.

- Fat Pat broke her arm.
- It will heal.

These women are taking
back their narrative.

Willis! You ginger twat.

- Do you know what that is?
- Hurtful?

- The sound of freedom.
- My mistake.

- It's a great day, Dean.
- You gaping old arsehole!

- What was that one?
- More progress.

Come on. Single file, boos.

Yeah, this is what happens when
you do an impromptu slip-and-slide.

All the Pats, you know who you
are. They've all got nicknames.

It started out 'cause
there was a load of Pats.

So you've got Fat Pat, Black Pat,
White Pat, Pat Pat. She's the OG.

Then it spiraled from
there, didn't it?

I mean, I don't know, what
do they call you, Hair Net?

Here we go, Jill the Canary.

No Nugget Sue.

It's all happening, innit?

- Thick As Shit Jean.
- Night.

All right, love.

Who we got here? Oh,
yes, Step Ladder Lynne.

- No, it's Long Mary.
- Oh, my mistake, boo.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know how
they get away with it, really.

But it's say what
you see in here.

Mad Barnett, Ginger Ale,
Moo Moo, I don't know.

Lone Ranger. There you
go. Look, Angry Spice.

Oh, yeah, have a look at
this one. Gormless Madge.

We had that. Oh, here we go.
Chinese Su, without the E.

Cathy With The
Hat. No Hat Cathy.

I mean, two and a half years,
she answered to Wallop Tits,

then she got all hashtag Me Too.

Oh, and coming up the rear,

- Blind Sally.
- I'm not blind.

No, well, you're going
the wrong way, boo.

I mean, you can't make that up,
can you? You all right, love?

That's it. Good girl.

There we go. Yeah.
Mind the microphone.

By law, inmates with disabilities are not
required to disclose their conditions.

And Sally decided that
was the way forward.

She's partially sighted
in one or both eyes.

- Part blind.
- Oh!

- Semi-blind.
- Whoa!

- Blind-ish.
- Whoa!

When she arrived, I explained
there was a lot I could do

to adapt her environment, to
make her time in here easier.

For example, ramps,

handrails,

those little rubber things that go round
sharp edges, like you do for toddlers.

A guide dog.

You're not getting me a guide
dog. Then they'll all know.

They call you Blind Sally, so I
do think that horse has bolted.

Where? I'm scared of horses.

It's all right. It's gone now. Just...
Just... Just help me to help you.

I know how it works in here. I can't
let these women know my weakness.

That you're scared of horses?

I appreciate the offer,

but the best thing you can do
to make my time in here easier

is treat me like everyone else and
don't draw attention to anything I do.

- Got it?
- Understood.

- Would you like...
- No!

That's the stationery cupboard.

Ow! Fuck!

Dear God.

Can we go outside?
Can't breathe in here.

You should have thought of that before you
slid down the hallway on your belly, boo.

I still haven't had a go.

Mmm, hashtag life goals.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi,
I've got a new business!

- What's your new business?
- I'm governor of this prison.

How's business?

I'm up to my neck in shit!

Okay, thank you.

Let's settle down. Settle down.

Thank you. This is
where we find ourselves.

It is an unpleasant and
unfortunate situation.

There is no two ways about that.

My God, the smell has really
centralized in here, hasn't it?

- Let us out then!
- Not possible just yet.

As you know, it is standard
protocol when an alarm goes off.

Plus, we need to make
safe the corridor.

Come on!

I didn't have a go yet.

And as much as I like to make
your time in here enjoyable,

it is not a theme park.

If it was, it'd
be Shit Mountain.

Yes, and a quick
update about that.

Because most of the water that
arrived this morning is now depleted

you will have to carry on using
wet wipes for personal hygiene.

What? No!

But there are also emergency
bottles of hand sanitizer,

- so the situation…
- Shit-uation.

Very good. …Is under control.

- Workmen are on site.
- Yes, come on!

Oh! Yes!

So we are headed in
the right direction.

Look, we are all
in this together.

And we will get through it a lot
quicker if we work together as a team.

Can we use your portable
toilet then, miss?

No. We're not insured.

Thank you, ladies.

We're right behind you, Laura.

It's like you said, we'll
get through it together.

I'm coming.

I get it.

I can't smell anything.

It smells quite nice today.

Impossipuzzles.
They're our thing.

Mission Impossipuzzle?
Not for us.

We first bonded over
a 10,000-piecer.

We both went for the last
piece at the same time.

Our eyes locked,
and that was that.

Imagine our surprise.

We started with a four-foot
picture of a windmill.

Look at us now,

diving into baked beans without
so much as batting an eyelid.

- I've got a corner.
- Oh, well done.

I thought it was the top of
the bean, but it's the bottom.

I'm such a noodle, aren't I?

I think it's going
to be a long day.

Let's play "Guess
the Kardashians"!

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

"I'm excited." You.

Kourtney.

- Kourtney?
- Mmm.

I didn't say, "I'm excited."
I said, "I'm excited."

Oh, yeah.

I'll start again.

"I'm excited."

- Are you going to move, or what?
- Sorry?

- I need to go past.
- Just go round her.

I want to go this way.
This is my preferred route.

"I'm excited!"

Why have you got to be
such a bitch all the time?

Move your fucking
legs out of my way.

Stand up for yourself.

- "I'm excited."
- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- It's got nothing to do with you.
- "I was married to Kanye West."

Haven't you got a council
flat to apply for?

- No, no, no.
- It's all right. I'm up now.

- "I'm excited."
- Get the fuck back down, Ange.

It was Kendall
pretending to be Kim.

You're ruining my fucking
concentration over here!

- Are you going to be with us all day?
- I can certainly arrange it.

- Result!
- We're all gonna die!

Oh, for goodness'
sake, Doug! Every time!

- Is that the same bucket?
- It is not.

Okay, can we do something
about these alarms?

Because that is
grating, isn't it?

Very unfriendly. Surely
we can change it.

Seventy percent of all prisons are
on budget and have running water.

This prison is grossly over
budget and has no running water.

And Laura wants to
change the alarm…

Because it hurts her ears.

What does Kanye ever get?

Shut the fucking door!

She shouldn't really
be here, Vivian.

I mean, I've got people
in here for tax evasion,

and they're sharing a facility
with someone who, well,

it would be wrong to discuss
an individual case, but…

Let's just say someone
was disemboweled

by someone.

Is the second someone Viv?

Who could ever say?

It's Viv.

I mean, Christmas '86,

that's your EastEnders
golden era right there.

No offense, Cheryl.

Are you still in
touch with Minty?

Fuck off!

Fuck off!

Fuck off!

All right, loves.
It's over. It's over.

Get back in your
cells! It's over.

Was that my fault?
Did I cause this?

Things can kick off at any
moment in here, Angela.

- You need to be a bit more savvy.
- What does that mean?

You stick out like a sore thumb.

They can smell your weakness a
mile off. It's making you a target.

But I don't know how else to be.

I did tell you that wouldn't
take long, didn't I?

Hello. Why is this inmate here?

Ah. Cheryl. It's Cheryl. I
thought you were a different one.

Anyway, sorry for the delay. We
had a few inmate-control issues.

All sorted now.
And more good news.

We've got a couple of
industrial fans up and running,

which are dispersing
the worst of the smell.

So, I think we can crack
on with rehearsals now,

which will make a nice
diversion for everyone.

You'll be lucky. I'm
going home, dear.

- Who's this fella?
- This is Martin. He's my musical director.

Oh, amazing. Welcome, Martin.

I know it's been
a difficult day,

but this is a wonderful
thing you're doing.

This project will make a huge
difference to these women,

and I just want to thank you in
advance for giving your time and talent

in such a generous
and selfless way.

Society is all the better
for people like you.

I found that very
moving, actually.

Right then. Once
more unto the breach.

Thanks, everyone, for
showing an interest.

First of all, let's see
what everyone can do.

No pressure. Just have fun and
show us your best party trick.

I'll go first.

All right. Bit silly, I
know. But who's up next?

- I'll go, Heather.
- Oh, Christ.

Yay!

That ended lovely.

Thank you. Thank you.

I mean, no, that doesn't...
Just... There. Wait a minute.

Hello, my name is Suds.

I work in the laundry.

That's why they call me Suds.

I look forward to
being in your show.

Thought I had one,
but I haven't.

Yay!

Whoa!

Nice balloon!

Well, it sounds like you've all
been having a lot of fun in here.

First prize goes to whoever it was
doing those screechy animal impressions.

I could hear those all the way
down to the end of the corridor.

That was Jill the Canary
singing "Mull of Kintyre."

Beautiful.

Anyway, thank you all for
your cooperation today.

Now, it's not on the timetable,

but I think it's only fair,
before dinner is served,

you all run out into the yard

and grab yourselves a
lungful or two of fresh air.

Before you go though, please
remember, hygiene, hygiene, hygiene.

Hello, hello, hello.

I wasn't actually saying
"hi" to you, Jean, but hello.

And also, please don't forget,

grab a bottle of hand
sanitizer as you leave.

- What's it smell like in here, Gal?
- It stinks like shit.

It always makes him laugh.

I mean, we're all round,
gagging around the place.

- He's giggling. He thinks it's funny.
- It stinks like shit.

It does. It stinks like
shit. And it's hot.

It's 'cause he's not
allowed to say that usually.

Well, I don't swear that much.

Only when he's on the telly.

There's only one word for it.

Shit.

The air is thick with

- shite.
- Shit.

- He's at it again. Anything'll get him.
- I just…

Look at these women. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

- Depends what you're thinking.
- Just how much potential they have.

Oh. No. No.

- They look happy, though.
- Yeah.

And that's a start.

Whoo!

Is that…

Oh, God.

- You know that hand sanitizer?
- Yes, they've drank it.

Lucky he wears cheap clothes.

Crisis over. Pipes
fixed. Water's back on.

We live to fight another day.

I mean, how does she
get away with it?

It was just a great day today.
It was just a great day.

Packed with craic today, it was.

If you've got any photos of today, I
put them up on here, on my wall of fame.

Do you see it? All the memories.

All the memories that
my mammy gave me.

She's not been able to visit me. Not
much. Not since I've been here, anyway.

And that'll break her heart because
I know she hates to disappoint me.

She's coming soon 'cause she can't wait
to come and see me in West Side Story.

I'm gonna make her really proud.

That's the camper van of
me and my mammy's dreams.

That's not the man of my dreams, but
he's the one buying me the camper van,

and I'm going camping
with me mammy in it.

Do you see that? That bus ticket?
You know what that's from?

My mammy came to pick me up from
school that day, and I kept it.

One adult for my mammy and
one single for the child.

Two, please. Two tickets.
That's what they did.

Saw this. I don't
know who that is.

I don't know who that was.

But my mammy's coming soon!