Hard Cell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Strong leadership, dynamic vision, the
ability to inspire. I tick every box.

Weak leaders just get taken
advantage of. Not on my watch.

Where's my watch?

Has anyone seen a watch?

And the cameras are going
to be with us all the time…

- Whoo!
- …which will be a little strange

at first, I'm sure,
for all of us.

- Are we gonna be on the telly, miss?
- I expect that is the general idea, yes.

This pilot scheme
to mount a musical,

West Side Story, no less, is
an incredible opportunity.

- I'm excited, and I'm excited for you.
- Is that one of your artsy ideas, miss?



Too many people think they
know who prison inmates are

and what prison life is like,
without ever setting foot inside one.

- Yeah.
- Too right.

So, let's put the
record straight.

Let's break some misconceptions.
Let's smash some stereotypes.

Be yourselves. You've
got nothing to hide.

She has. She's just
nicked your watch!

You are being given the chance
to do something truly creative

while challenging yourself and
having your voices heard, literally.

- Can we do Annie?
- Just let me finish.

We've got a surprise
director coming in.

The research is out there,
the data has spoken,

so remember,
creativity leads to…

Rehabilitation.



- Thank you.
- What about Dirty Dancing?

- Hamilton!
- I like Phantom.

- The King and I.
- What about Mary Poppins?

- Dream girls!
- Okay.

Yes!

Not up for discussion,
we're doing West Side Story,

so get your names down and
start singing! Thank you.

- Do you fancy the cameraman, miss?
- Oh!

No.

Can someone get my
watch back, please?

Sorry.

Well, it don't look clean!

Ooh.

- Someone's getting their hair did.
- Yeah, I know.

What have I told you about
laying those edges though, boo?

You're not allowed no
more. Twitter said so.

She can do it.

So can she.

She probably could, but
it'd look ridiculous.

This one definitely
can't. You had that?

Pretend Parker Bowles,
that's a look-a-likey.

Serial shoplifter.
Couldn't make it up.

She's an absolute beast.

You can't be doing that either,
boos. That is cultural appropriation.

We got bored.

Well, tell that to the
court of public opinion.

If Adele can't do it, I
don't see how you can.

Elizabeth Fry, the great
prison reformer, once said,

"It is an honor to be on
the side of the afflicted."

I say, "Hear, hear."

Except the murderers.

And the pedophiles.

Most sex offenders.

All sex offenders.

But…

All the others,
I'm right behind.

Put it down there.

Name?

Angela Brookes.

Sign and date there
for your belongings.

Is this your first
time in prison, Angela?

Yeah.

Well, you'll settle in.

Right, come on. This way.

Did I set out to be governor
of a women's prison? I did not.

Was this the tier-one dream? No.

Was it the tier-two
dream? Barely.

But I'm not the kinda person
who walks away from a challenge,

and when one's head is hunted,

one sticks it firmly on the
pike and marches into battle.

I was headhunted
from my previous job.

- In events.
- Yes.

- Thank you, Dean. That's Dean.
- I'm her number two.

- Not that I need one.
- You don't need a number two?

I've never needed a number two.

Laura came through the
back door of nepotism

and got promoted
through over confidence.

Governor of the prison?
We know what this is.

Positive discrimination.

She got the job just
'cause she's a woman,

and I'm now spending my days trying to
get her to say "number two" on camera.

It's a small victory for overqualified
men in the workplace everywhere.

You know what?

You all right? I can see
what's happened here.

What's happened here?

- What, my bump?
- Yeah.

- Pregnancy, innit?
- Pregnancy and in jail?

Parents must be proud.

I told you I didn't want this.

What is it today?

Shit. Why don't we
never have tacos?

Tacos and tacos.
Tacos and tacos.

- First day?
- Yeah.

Aw.

Do I need to know how many days?

Do you just sit up in bed all night
and compile loads of questions...

For goodness sake,
Doug! Every time!

Laura, you really need
to make a decision.

Yes, I know. Plumbing. General
maintenance, etcetera, etcetera.

- Thank you, Douglas.
- It's important.

I spy with my little eye something
beginning with "new inmate."

First timer?

Probably not.

I'm Laura Willis.
I'm the governor.

And I want you to know, your
crime is of no importance to me.

- Good. Because I'm not...
- I don't need to know.

- Well, look, I think you should...
- Ah, ah, ah.

- I am not judging you on your worst day.
- I'm not an inmate.

Well, you are.

But you start afresh right here,
right now. The slate is clean.

I'm Cheryl Fergison.

That's the spirit,
Cheryl Fergison. Welcome.

You're Cheryl Fergison.

That's exactly who you are.

Ex-soap star, not a prisoner.

Well, a prisoner of your own talents.
I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you.

- You look nothing like your photo.
- What? This photo?

Is that you?

Yes.

Wowza.

So, West Side Story.
Very exciting.

Let me know if you need anything from me,
but I don't think you'll have any problem.

- What do you mean?
- You know, just fitting in.

You know, all this.

This will all be… beneficial.

- Why?
- 'Cause just…

Everything works.

This your guard? Do
you want a bigger one?

Do you even need one?

I mean, well,
she's here now, so…

Go on, off you go.
Drum up some business!

Good luck! You won't need it.

See you, Cheryl. I meant
to say, I'm a big fan.

I'm Dean, by the way.
Laura's number two.

Wasn't my choice!

To keep the prison board happy, I
was forced to have a number two.

Musicals? In prison?
Hell to the yes.

No creativity, no
rehabilitation.

Which, incidentally, is the
upcoming subject of my TED talk.

What's that called again?

"I Know Why the
Caged Bird Sings:

How Women in Prison Thrive
through Music and Song."

- When's that happening then?
- No date set.

- So, never.
- It's upcoming.

Anyway, that is why I've
asked Cheryl Fergison,

aka Ms. Heather Trott, to come
and direct West Side Story.

- Not an obvious choice.
- Not her first rodeo.

As it turns out, Cheryl has lots of
experience working with prisoners

doing drama workshops
and whatnot.

When does she have time
for all her rodeos?

She's also a well-loved
face from stage and screen,

which everyone will
be excited about.

Big shout going out to
the EastEnders massive.

I've never seen it. It's a
popular soap opera about Cockneys.

Yes, I was on EastEnders,

which does make you
very recognizable.

But people move on, as have
I, as have the audience.

The public see me as
a versatile actress

rather than a character
I once played on a soap.

All right, Heather?
Thought you were dead.

I'm Gary, by the way.

Soap royalty.

Calm down, Gary.
She's only human.

I'll be all right in a minute.

It's just a great day.

What do you like most
about Cheryl, Gaz?

The way she just floats
through the scenes.

She floats
convincingly, don't she?

The nature of her
floating is authentic.

Yeah.

And EastEnders needed her at
that time as well, because…

Big time.

- Saved it.
- Saved it.

- Saved it.
- Saved it.

Do you know the most important
factor in not reoffending?

Stable home life.

Is it? Do you know the
other most important factor?

- Regular employment?
- Shall I tell you?

- Sure.
- Creativity.

- This about your little musical project?
- Creativity,

a sense of purpose, self-esteem.

And my "little
musical project"...

Government-funded scheme soon
to be rolled out nationally...

Is a step in the
right direction.

And if I know these women,

they will run towards this
opportunity and leap into its arms.

All right, ladies.
How are we doing?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I'm so excited!

It's fantastic to be here. Who's
up for a bit of West Side Story?

- Me!
- It's a story of two rival gangs,

- so some of you might enjoy that aspect.
- You know who you are, boos.

There'll be proper rehearsals,
we'll bring in an orchestra.

And at the end, we'll
put on a banging show

that your friends and
family can come and see.

This one's killed all hers.

Right! Well, as you may or
may not know, my name is...

Heather Trott!

It's Cheryl Fergison.

Get outta my pub!

Yeah! Yeah!

- Thought you was dead, Heather.
- Who killed you, again?

- So, a little bit about me.
- You're Heather Trott!

Trott, Trott, Trott,
Trott, Trotter!

Are you finished?

I think they're
finished now, boo.

Sorry, I'm a bit confused.

I've given up my time to
do something nice for you,

and it appears that you're
treating me like a bit of a mug.

So, don't do that,
'cause I'm not.

And here's the dealio.

Join in, don't join in,
makes no odds to me.

Just remember a couple of things. One,
don't be a cunt. And two, that's it.

Mike drop.

Well, I do, Dean. I
reject the whole concept.

- Of having a number two?
- I see it as a form of weakness.

As governor of this prison, the
last thing I need people to see

is an insipid little number
two trailing behind me.

If you've finished, could we
please have a conversation about...

Plumbing? Plumbing?

Well, it's actually
quite serious, so if...

Hello? Oh. I'm sorry, Doug,
I'm gonna have to take this.

Oh, Doug. I'm only joking.

Doug and I basically want the same
thing. We want to improve this prison.

Now, Doug's interpretation of that is
something about fixing the plumbing,

whereas I focus more
on artistic endeavor,

and let's be honest, what's more important
in the day-to-day life of an inmate?

Could it be plumbing?

So, with that in mind,

I have invested in
personalized… librettos.

Hand printed on cream parchment

for every member of the
West Side Story cast.

Government funding didn't
quite stretch to that,

so what's a gal to do?

She finds it somewhere else!

What's a libretto?

A… libretto is the extended
text of a vocal work.

- Do you mean the words to the songs?
- Expensive? Yes.

Worth it? Most definitely.

- What else are prison budgets for?
- Plumbing.

- What could improve their lives more?
- Plumbing.

Do you know how many other women's prisons
have invested in hand bound librettos

of the greatest musical
of the 20th century?

- None?
- None.

I like Laura, I do,

but, uh, she doesn't
make it easy, though.

She rarely listens,
she won't take advice.

I think she's quite forgetful,
and if there's a problem…

- If I want an idiot…
- …she's usually the cause of it.

Last year the electrics
needed rewiring.

Instead she chose to
install nature walls

to promote a sense of calm
and improve vibes generally.

- Oh, you fuck off! Yeah, yeah…
- You fuck off!

Didn't work. But you just
can't help liking her.

- Oh, sorry to disturb you. Good moment?
- All right.

- Um, do you like dancing and stuff?
- No, not really.

Oh, you don't like dancing.
What about singing?

- No.
- Well, can I put you down for costumes?

- In what?
- Do you want to be in a musical?

- Yeah.
- Great. Okay.

Okay. I'll put you
down then, yeah?

- All right, cheers then.
- Thanks.

Ladies, we're doing a musical.

I was wondering if I could
put you down for something?

Some singing, some
dancing, some... Any...

Great.

What are we?

Gay for the stay.

I mean, it's not for everyone,
late onset lesbianism.

But my goodness,
we're giving it a go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, uh, are you up for it?

- Yeah.
- What about you, my love?

I've heard I'll get out of a
load of shit stuff if I do it,

so I might as well.

Unless it's shit.
And then I'll stop.

Oh, right. That's the spirit.

West Side Story?
That sounds boring,

like all her ideas.

Boring, pointless, badly
executed, benefiting no one.

So these are my choices:

Singing olde worlde songs about
Sharks and Jet Skis or something,

or finishing my boring parenting
course for a baby I don't even want.

There's not much in it, really.

All right, what about
you then? You tempted?

It's something to do for
the next six weeks, innit?

Oh, gosh, no, no, I'm not cut
out for that sort of thing.

Um, also, I'm just in on remand.
Just waiting for my trial date.

My lawyer says I won't be
in here that long, anyway.

I don't see how I can be,
because I didn't do it.

We all didn't do it, love!

No, but I re... I
really didn't do it.

Well, if your trial turns into a
sentence, you know where to find me.

Hey there, Cheryl!

I want be a part of that. Put
me on the list. My name's Sian.

Bit weird in here, innit?

We don't say, "weird."

We say, "Welsh."

Sian is from Wales.

That beautiful country that
borders England to the west.

Not the mammal.

She speaks with the rich
melody of her motherland.

It's just a shame no one
knows what she's saying.

So, when she requested
full traditional costume

to feel closer to her Celtic
heritage, I was happy to oblige.

At least, I think that's
what she asked for.

Only went to ask for a
hypoallergenic pillow.

And she gave me this.

I'm still all bunged up.

- Is it ice cream?
- Yeah, but it's shit.

Why can't we ever
have Cornettos?

- Why are you not joining in the singing?
- Um…

- What have you got against Cornettos?
- Nothing, I just don't know the words.

- Oh, that's convenient.
- What?

- Why are you shouting?
- I'm not, I...

Be careful.

Heather!

Heather!

Is there going to be an
audience for your show, Heather?

Is there going to be people
watching at the end, like?

Because if there is, I'll be in
it, and me mammy will come see it.

This one's for my mammy.

That's why it says "Mammy". Are you
watching that one on your camera?

Like.

That one. I've got loads of 'em.

I get... I get them when I'm
happy. I get them when I'm sad.

When they locked my mammy
up for the first time,

I couldn't cry, I was too numb.

So, I got that one.

And the pain of the
needle was so bad

that the tears came
and they wouldn't stop.

They call it a cathartic
experience or some shite.

I think that's all bollocks, I just
like having pictures on my arm.

That's the one I got. There.

Birds.

That was supposed to be me,
but it didn't turn out right.

Will I do a tattoo on you?

I'll get my needle.

You've got none on your arm.

That's great. That's
just, like, fresh meat.

I just go "pew-pew-pew-pew-pew".

Pffft… with the blood.

'Cause I'm not very good.

What's it like being on the TV?
Did you like being on the TV?

Did they call you
Heather all the time?

- What is your real name again?
- It's Cheryl.

That's nice. I'm Ros. Write
that down in your book there.

Is it R-O-S or R-O-Z?

I don't know, I can't read.

Yeah, that looks grand.

Heather, it…

Cheryl…

Me girl will be in it and all, but
she don't speak, so she can't sing.

Cheryl.

Viv. I'm a natural-born
entertainer.

I'm also incredibly violent
and singing is my happy place.

So look no further.

I do impressions.

Gordon Ramsay, Ellen
DeGeneres, Graham Norton,

whoever it is does The One Show.

All the Kardashians,
except the old one.

I can do them all. And I can
do them all fucking well.

And if anyone says any
different, I'll fucking kill 'em.

I'm excited.

That was one of the Kardashians.

That was... That was
really good, Viv.

- Yeah.
- That was brilliant.

I know.

So you say… libretto.

Out of curiosity, how
would you say that?

- "Barthelona."
- Barcelona, that's great.

What about this one?

- Cappuccino.
- Cappuccino.

Okay, and what about…

- Tarka Dhal.
- Sorry, what was that?

- Tarka Dhal.
- Yep, that's what I thought you said.

Hey, I thought it was you.
How are you getting on?

Yeah, all right. It's been a long
day though. I'm going home soon.

Oh, yeah? Back to Albert Square?

I'll be off then.

You were right. This
did come in handy.

Plus, I dropped the c-bomb
and they settled down.

Oh, my old trick. I'm glad
you stopped by, Cheryl.

These are for you.

- Oh. What are they?
- Hand bound on cream parchment,

personalized… librettos.

What's a libretto?

Oh. Uh, the words to the songs.

They were very expensive.

Uh, right.

- They look a bit of a faff.
- Ouch.

Plus, uh, I got these off
the Internet for free,

- so I'll use them if that's all right.
- Hmm.

Hope you kept the receipt
for those, uh, lib things.

Librettos.

First day over.

Well, I got through
it. I'm still here.

I've just got to keep
going and pray for justice.

Tomorrow is a new day

full of promise, so there's
no need to lose hope.

I've just got to keep
strong and have faith.

And know that everything is
gonna be all right in the end.

Because it's like I always say,

"Never underestimate
how good people can be."

That's going nowhere.

- I can't see where I'm going.
- Where did the water go?

You fucking kidding me with
this? Who put the water off?

What's going on, boos?

Oh, no! No!

No, Jeanie! Jeanie,
cover that up!

Oh, no, has it gone?

Oh, there's more of 'em! No,
I'm not paid enough for this!

There'd better not be
any fucking cameras here.

Water main's burst.

- What?
- No water at all

in the entire prison, until it's
fixed, which could take 48 hours.

What?

Well, I did warn you
it was gonna happen.

- When?
- When we had the conversation

where I told you the
plumbing needed fixing.

They're already kicking off.
Let's hope it doesn't escalate.

Do you remember the good old days?
When we used to have controlled riots.

Yes, because I believe in a safe
environment, they have their place.

And, riot!

Please be aware of the
person closest to you.

Let's bring that
down by about 50%.

I wanted them to have all the
fun of a riot without the danger.

And how did that work out?

It was not at all fun, and
it was quite dangerous.

I remember now.

Not at all fun, and quite dangerous.
Wasn't that your nickname in high school?

No, my nickname was Margarine.

- Why? Because your hair was always greasy?
- No, because I spread easily.

Oh. The librettos
have arrived, I see.

- That's money well spent.
- It's… libretto!

How many fucking times?

And riot!

She's cut off our water!

Look at me. I was in there having a
shower and the water just stopped.

Where's our water, Willis?

Give our water back!