Hard Cell (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

So, Pat, before we
show you to your cell,

we should probably
settle on a nickname.

Very important in here.

We do have a lot
of Pats already.

We've got a Pat Pat, a Fat Pat,
a Black Pat and a White Pat.

So, off the top of my head,

you could opt for Fat
Black Pat or Black Fat Pat.

What you feeling most?

You might wanna think about it the
way people choose a name for a pet.

You know, what's it gonna sound like
when you call it across the park?

Or, in your case, the canteen.



So, "Fat Black Pat!"

Or, "Black Fat Pat!"

I mean, I'm leaning towards...

Patricia.

Interesting.

Pa-tri-cia.

Date's come through
for my TED Talk.

"I Know Why the
Caged Bird Sings:

How Women in Prison Thrive
Through Music and Song."

That is my idea and apparently
it is an idea worth spreading.

And on July 22nd,

I shall be spreading it liberally all
over the Birmingham Exhibition Centre.

Exciting.

I've gotta cut it
down a little bit.



It's currently running at
just over an hour and a half.

My allotted time is 25
minutes, which is a shame,

but them the rules.

Laura, can I just
say, you're amazing.

The way your mind works.

"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,"
it works on so many different levels.

"Birds" also means women,
"caged birds," women in prison,

and, of course,
"sings" as in sings.

I could cry at your brilliance.

Why can't you be supportive?

- I am. I'm your number two.
- Mmm.

Yeah, and as much as I hate the
idea of having a number two,

I'd prefer it was a pleasant experience
rather than an uphill struggle.

No one wants a number two
that's been an uphill struggle.

- Exactly.
- I'm sorry.

You're right. You deserve
a decent number two.

Thank you.

It's the last time I'm
getting you one of these.

- Unless you want me to puke in it.
- What?

I can't stand the smell
of coffee no more.

Oh. All right. Well, I'll
drink it really quickly.

No, it's too hot.

She'll drink it really
quickly when it cools down.

- My God. You two are as bad as each other.
- He's worse than I am.

Ah!

Didn't fucking know
I was there, did you?

Did you know I was there?
'Cause I crawled under there.

I was crawling on me knees.

Did you get that on your camera?

I got a... I got a
camera on my phone.

I got a camera on my phone, but they
take it off yo use when you come in.

Like, did they take... Do you
got... Have you got a mobile phone?

Did they take it off yo use?

They take it off you when you
come in. Because if they've not,

and you've got your mobile phone on
you, you'd get it robbed in here.

Have you got your mobile phone
on you? 'Cause I'd rob you.

If I knew where your
phone is, I'd rob you.

Know what I'm saying?

'Cause you know why?

'Cause we're all thieves.

You fucking sucker.

I'm only fucking joking. I'll give
it back to yo use 'cause you're...

I'm just saying, you're
fucking... You know, come on.

I need to get out of this place.

If I don't, there is a real
chance I could die in here.

I strive to look for
the good in people.

I honestly do.

But it is getting harder.

Oh, Ange, you poor thing!

I don't know what
to say, what a mess.

It can be hard in here at times.

I mean, just when I thought I'd
found a way around prison life,

I get my face smashed
into a wall for nothing.

Never said anything.
I didn't do anything.

We all didn't do anything, love.

I have it on good authority Anastasia
misunderstood the situation.

I'm here to apologize. Sorry.

First rule of Fight Club:
Don't talk about Fight Club.

Second rule of Fight Club:

If you smash someone's
head against the wall,

and it's not their
fault, say sorry.

Third rule of Fight Club:

Bring biscuits.

Are we good?

What's good today then?
Any recommendations?

I brought my own.

Smart choice from a smart lady.

What's the filling du jour?

Cheese.

Spectaculoso!

Right.

I ain't got time to gab
with you all day, missus.

Okay.

Catch you later.

Okay.

She don't like you, mate.

She don't like you.

- You joker.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ Ba-ba-da-da,

You ladies not eating?

- No appetite today.
- Yeah.

That would be right.

Will I take that
muffin off your hands?

Let's just focus on our task.

Oh, yeah. What,
your jigsaw thing?

- Impossipuzzle.
- Impossipuzzle.

Ah, yeah.

Yeah, it'd be nice to get that
finished before… You know.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- So are those sausages...
- Help yourself.

Cal is being released.

It's not good for optics

that someone who was charged
with a relatively minor offense

is still locked up
nearly three years later.

I had to spring it on her so she
couldn't get up to her old tricks.

Cal, you were only supposed
to serve three months.

You've strung it out
for a long, long time.

'Cause I met Sal.

And I'll be honest, if I met

the love of my late-onset-lesbian-life
in prison doing ten years,

I'd probably do the same thing.

But we've come to
the end of the line.

I can't turn a blind
eye any longer.

It won't work anymore.

Intimidating behavior.

Taking the guards hostage.

Defecating on the
parole officer's desk?

I'm afraid not.

- When?
- Tomorrow.

I've got a new business.

- What's your new business?
- I'm making lots of dough.

- Got it wrong again, haven't I?
- I will miss you.

I feel sick.

I look really fat.

I'm like a hamster.

I'm gonna keep it there.

How long can I keep the
sausage in me mouth?

I do feel bad for those
two. It's really sad.

It is. It's really sad.

Things are going
great for me though.

Sebastian couldn't be
more in love with me.

Which means there's nothing
he wouldn't do for me.

Which means he put shitloads of
money into the joint account.

Which I transferred
over to my mammy.

Which is fantastic.

It came as a shock
to him though.

It was a shock, Rosalind, when I
saw that our bank account was empty.

It was a shock to my eyes.

A shock to my heart.

It was a shock.

I know, Sebastian. I know.

What were you thinking? To
drain our bank account of funds?

- It was a...
- Shock. And I'm sorry. I got carried away.

But I found us the perfect camper van
and I just wanted to buy it for us.

Surprise!

Or rather, shock!

For one terrible moment,
it occurred to me

that you had drained our bank account
of funds for your own personal use.

That your love
for me was a show.

And that you saw me as nothing
more than a meal ticket.

That's… silly.

Silly Sebastian.

It was the devil at work.

Corrupting my faith,
making me doubt.

How could I think such
a thing of my Rosalind?

My wonderful, innocent,
soon-to-look-like-this Rosalind.

Oh.

All right, stop.

What's going on?

- It's just a bit shit, innit?
- All right.

What's the point of this anyway?
We ain't getting any better.

- People don't even know their lines.
- Shut up. You can't even dance, you whale.

- I was sidestepping, so that's a lie.
- Sidestepping?

Guys, let's put this
energy to good use.

Everyone, get in your
places for the fight scene.

That sounds like a plan.

Uh, Heather, now that Big Viv's gone,
who is it that I'm stepping in to fight?

Step, step.

Good point, well made.

For fuck's sake.

Can't believe I'm saying
this, but I'm missing Big Viv.

I mean, she was terrifying, but
at least she had stage presence.

Don't fucking fuck
with the melody, hen.

But she's now stuck in solitary,
and I'm beginning to regret this.

I mean, she is superb.

Oh, ho!

You nailed it, Cheryl.

No.

We've only got a
few pieces to go.

I can't believe we're here.

We're nearly finished!

Shut up!

Go on! You've got this.

Look at you guys.

Oh!

Let's do the final
piece together.

- Aw!
- Have you got it?

- No.
- Pulling my leg?

No, I haven't got it.

Oh, come on, you pair of
jokers. Put the last piece in.

No, honestly, I don't have it.

Neither do I.

- Oh, no!
- It'll be here somewhere.

It was a brand-new
jigsaw. It was sealed.

Oh, Cal. Oh, someone
must have taken it.

Some...

Where is it?

- I haven't got it.
- Come on. Stop your messing.

- Just give us the last piece.
- I haven't got it.

Listen, these ladies have
worked their asses off,

and no one's laughing at
your stupid little prank.

- I haven't got it, you fucking moron.
- Oh, fuck off!

- Stop it!
- Guys.

Come on! Girls, come on!

Stop it!

Has it ever occurred to you that the rest
of the world might not be against you?

Why do you have to
make it so hard?

We're all in here making the best
of it, supporting each other.

But you've just caused nothing
but upset and negativity.

Today is Cal's last day.

There's no way I'm
gonna let you ruin it.

Now give us back our jigsaw
piece, you dreadful little cunt.

Ooh.

People don't like me.

I don't care. I'm used to it.

It's not like I'm missing much.
They always let you down anyway.

No, I'd rather be on my
own. Prefer it that way.

Be an asshole to them before
they're an asshole to you.

I mean, how do you even
make friends anyway?

How would you do that?

Uh...

Stay with the herd, boo.

- I'm going for a piss.
- Oh.

Don't mind me.

- Don't mind me.
- Heather Trott!

I know you got some celebrating to
do. I'm just gonna leave this here.

Uh, it's not too late to join us
in the show, Songs From The Inside.

- Whoo!
- Not as many songs as it was before.

So yeah, put your name down...
Someone, anyone, please.

It's gonna be a laugh,
innit, eh? Eh? Eh? Maybe.

Anyway…

What with Cal leaving, I
can feel my panic rising.

I don't think anyone realizes the
scale of what we're trying to do here,

and it's all on my shoulders.

Oh! Ooh! Uh, after you.

What are we doing now?
We're dancing, are we?

Hey, there she
goes. See you later.

What a fantastic
group of women we are.

Absolutely.

We're not afraid to be heard.

- No, we're not.
- We're not afraid to make mistakes,

because God knows we wouldn't
be in here if we were.

And we're not afraid to change.

I can honestly say I've had
the time of my life in here.

- Aw!
- We'll miss you, Cal.

So thank you. All of you.

Especially you.

- Aw!
- We'll miss you, Cal.

Hey.

I'm sorry to leave before the
show, but do us all proud.

Songs From The Inside.

- Yeah!
- Songs From The Inside!

All right. Let's keep
it pre-watershed, boos.

- I don't want to say goodbye.
- Then don't, 'cause it's not.

It's time, ladies.

I've got a new business.

What's your new business?

I'm a baker.

How's business?

I'm making lots of dough.

Yes!

We love you!

- Whoo!
- We love you!

- Are you drinking coffee again?
- Oh, it is decaf.

Doesn't matter. It
still smells of coffee.

You're like a bloodhound.
It is very hot.

Oh, God.

All gone.

Satisfied?

Mmm.

How is da baba?

What?

How's da baba?

Da baba in da tum-tum?

Again, what?

I'm thinking "baba" means baby, and...
correct me if I'm wrong, Laura...

"Baba in da tum-tum"
means "baby in the tummy."

So, if my Spidey-Sense
is on point,

I believe the question you're being
asked is, "How is your unborn child?"

- Mmm.
- She's booting me.

Just like her dad.

Bloody hell. She's
gone mental. Feel that.

Not sure that's appropriate
in the workplace.

- Oh, let me have a go.
- Even less appropriate.

Baba kicking da
mum-mum in da tum-tum.

I mean, that was weird.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Look at this! What?

The scenery's arrived from another
musical, which is set in New York.

Unlike ours, which is set in Kent.
But it was too late to change it.

Come on. Chin up, Cheryl.

Musicals about gang violence
work in any setting.

It's a notoriously
adaptable genre.

It's set in Kent, Martin.

Yes. And the revolving Manhattan
skyline will only be a bonus.

I don't want to spook anyone, but
I think this could all go to shit.

- We've got fire hydrants.
- Please stop.

- Look at that.
- This is so cool!

- Oh, my God. Look at all this stuff.
- This is amazing.

- Umbrellas.
- Oh, my goodness.

I found my knife.

- Look at that.
- Oh! Bloody hell!

Look at that. Look at that. Look
at that. That doesn't even hurt.

- Look. That didn't hurt me.
- Oh, you're having that, are you?

I'll wear the hat. I'm
wearing a hat. I'll wear that.

Umbrella. Is it raining outside?

Welcome to the
Big Apple, ladies.

Windows are practical. Oh!

All right. All right.

Keep it down, you lot, or I'll turn
one of them fire hydrants on you.

Right, ladies. The scenery
is pretty impressive.

It makes no sense, but at least
it'll be something to look at.

Anastasia's jumped right in.

Fuck off.

Can she dance? Can she sing? Doesn't
matter. We're on in four days.

Only joking. It's
gonna be great.

Cal's gone too, which leaves Sal's
vocal weakness very much exposed.

But hey, we've got fire hydrants!
Yeah. So it's gonna be a good show.

And Ange, yeah?

She's now doing props, which I doubt will
make a difference one way or another.

Anyway, let's start with the
intro. Five, six, seven, eight.

Sorry. Could somebody actually
please give me a hand?

Come down, will you! Jump!

I have it on good authority that
the case against me is collapsing.

I don't want to speak too soon,

but it feels like my
prayers have been answered.

And Big Viv apologized.

It's a good day.

It's like I always say, never
underestimate how good people can be…

Mostly.

I wasn't asleep!

Hello.

I mean, it's a good one. It's
good. I'm looking forward to it.

Actually, it's my day
off. I won't be there.

I ain't coming in.
Don't need it that much.

I mean, how good is it gonna be?

Not that good.

Yeah. I thought,
"Why not join in?"

So, I did.

And I'm enjoying it.
And I'm good at it.

I mean, some of the girls took me
through the routines at lunchtime,

and they didn't have to do that,
so they obviously don't hate me.

I don't... What do you
want me to say? It's fun.

Okay?

Sort of like that? I don't know.

- Whoa!
- Yeah!

Someone's gonna wind
up at the Oscars.

Tiramisu has got coffee
in it, hasn't it?

It most certainly has.

Although, interestingly,
I had it this one time...

Nope.

Okay. Catch you later.

No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

I'll hang up.

- Do you want some company?
- I'm all right. Thank you, love.

Well, I'll just be here if
you change your mind, like.

Try to eat a little something.

Where the fuck is the tiramisu?

- Love tiramisu.
- Love tiramisu.

- Go on. You go.
- Go on. You go.

- Fuck off.
- Fuck off.

The thing about Laura is she
sort of creeps up on you.

On first impressions,
she's a cringe fest.

Like this irritating, withering
old ball of embarrassment.

But she's got this other side to
her which you can't help but like.

Yeah, you know what? Laura's all right.
I mean, this musical, it ain't nothing.

It means a lot to people.

Means a lot to me.

Never had a chance
like this before.

I think it's gonna be amazing.

I think we're all gonna be
amazing, and that's down to her.

Plus, that desk job
has been a lifesaver,

because my ankles
did get really puffy.

S-