Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 8 - Fowl Play/Date - full transcript

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

You remember my super
racist parrot Tyler.

Hi, Tyler!
What's up?

Best entrance ever, girl.

I realized that Tyler
was just racist

'cause he didn't have any other
interests other than racism.

- So I got him into baseball.
- I hate the Indians.

Yeah, he's a big White Sox fan.

I hate Native Americans, too.

On behalf of all Navajo Cubs
fans, I say not cool, bird.

Now why would you bring
your bird into a diner?



Wait. I don't know
why I'm surprised.

I once saw you put
sunscreen on a grape

'cause you didn't want it
to become a raisin.

I'm taking Tyler home
from my store

because I'm going
to the Rom-Com Con.

This weekend, I am
gonna be rubbing elbows

with the who's who
of romantic comedy.

Ooh! On Saturday,
there's a special appearance

- by Julia Roberts...
- Oh.

Impersonator, former Kentucky
Derby winner, Pretty Woman.

Still a big get.

It's gonna be awesome,
all right?

Are you sure you don't
want to go, Brad?

It's in Detroit.



Ooh! Detroit!

Sorry. Money's tight. Had
to cut back on all my cons.

Rom-Com Con, Chaka Khan Con,

Bond Con...

James Bond con.

I wish they had conventions
for stuff I like,

like Miss Saigon Con
or Butter Pecan Con.

♪ Or breaking into song Con

Whoa. ♪ That didn't
exactly work con ♪

Oh, how about a con
for the drunk guy

that's about to get
into a fight?

"Oh, it's on" Con.

Oh! What about a con for the
guy that's about to get

into a fight
with that drunk guy?

"Oh, it's on" Con? "Oh, it's
on con like Donkey Kong con."

What about one for the girl
who's throwing the party,

doesn't want those guys
to mess up her parents' house,

so, "Damn it, Ron,

"why can't you and Jon
fight out on the lawn Con?"

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Whoa!

Oh, you know, I've got one, too.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, please.
Get in on this.

Shut the up.

Huh.

Uh...
Oh.

Ah.
Con?

That's good, man.
Yeah.

That's good. That's really good.
That's good.

A little hostile. It's a
little hostile, but it's good.

Guys, I wrote a song for Alex

because I'm gonna miss her
so much this weekend,

so let me know what you think.

Oh, you're just gonna...
You're just gonna play it

right here in the middle of...
Right here in the bar.

♪ Al, I miss you,
you're the only one

Sorry.

♪ I wish I knew
how to make you come

♪ Home to me

♪ Home to me

♪ Come, come ♪

That is an odd way
to phrase that.

I thought so, too. "Back to
me" instead of "home to me"?

I gotta tell you, bro,

writing some lame song
for a skeeze skank...

That's my girlfriend.
That's weak sauce.

You gotta be like me. Fly solo.
Love is an illusion.

It's like my friend Prison
Johnny always says to me

through the glass, "Don't
get attached to anything

"that you can't walk
away from in 30 seconds

"if the heat
starts a-coming."

Isn't that last part just a
quote from the movie Heat?

Actually, no, David. It's a direct
quote from my original screenplay

Heat 2: It's Getting
Hot Up In Hurr.

And, yes, I wrote
an original screenplay

because I have all the
alone time in the world.

Thank you for rubbing it in.

Max. Max!

Excuse me, people
enjoying each other.

Wow.

That is what 275 pounds
of lonely looks like.

Yeah. He's not having much luck
in the dude department lately.

We need to set him
up with someone.

Yes.

Oh! I got the perfect guy.

Please. You don't know how
to set anyone up.

I am a master matchmaker.

I have brokered three marriages.

One against their will,
but you know what?

Sanjay is gonna learn to love Padma...
Eventually.

Well, your guy, my guy...
Doesn't really matter.

All that matters
is that Max is happy.

Of course. Let's let him decide
to probably choose my guy.

My guy. My guy.
My guy. My guy.

My guy. My guy.
My guy. My guy.

I'm not gonna do this with you.
This is childish.

And unlike you, I don't
have to be the one

who gets in the last word.

♪ Your guy will suck greatly ♪

Yeah!
Ahhh!

My guy.

Al, Dave just texted.

He's picking you up in 10
minutes to go to the airport.

He says, "Get ready to come

"downstairs because
there's no parking."

That's an odd way to phrase that.
Isn't it?

Tell him Annie Hall
will be right down.

Check it!
Oh!

I'm totally gonna win
the costume contest this year.

You look great.

And I can do the impression.

Oh, boy.
La-dee-da. La-dee-da.

Oh, jeez. Woody Allen.

You look great.

Al, here are a couple of

dozen things I need you to get
signed and authenticated,

you know, if you have time.

Whoa. That is
a lot of stuff.

I'm gonna go get
my camping duffel.

Sweet.

Brad, you have an alarming
amount of memorabilia.

Yeah. Yeah.
This is just Overboard.

It's not just Overboard.

It's the unseen director's
cut of Overboard...

Ooh... where Goldie Hawn doesn't
learn her lesson in the end

and decides to be rich and alone.
It's priceless.

Is it?
Yeah.

Yeah? Priceless?
Give me the tape.

Um, no. No. No.

Give me my VHS!

Oh, no!

My tape.
Oh. This is the plate

that Alex made of her hand
when we were little.

Oh, no.
She loves this plate.

She still eats birthday
cake off it every night.

What are we gonna... Wait. She
eats birthday cake every night?

Just blow past that.
Okay, look, let's hide it,

and then we'll fix it
after she's gone.

And don't worry. No one will
even know that you broke it.

E-squeeze?
You broke it, Penny.

Uh, counter-squeeze.
You broke it, Brad.

What?

You broke it, Brad.
You broke it, Penny.

A witness.

Sorry, guys.
This is all I could find.

You broke it, Brad.
You broke it, Penny.

Wait. What did he say?

He said I broke, uh,
the glass ceiling.

Mmm-hmm. That's right. I'll climb
that corporate ladder in a skirt.

And I don't even care
who looks up it,

'cause I keep my yard tidy.

And those are my choices.
You know, equality.

Yeah, and,
uh, I broke the record

for, um, having
the shortest temper.

Now you better go
on that damn trip!

Get out of here, you.

Okay, bye!
Pissing me off.

Better go have some fun
right now!

Have fun. Bye.

You guys.

Bye. Bye. bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye. bye. Bye.

What do you idiots want?

How did you know we were here?

I smell testosterone. And, Dave,
you smell like peppers, bud.

Oh.

Max.
Mmm.

Dave and I couldn't help but
notice that you were acting

like a lonely little bitch
the other night.

I am not lonely.
I was just venting.

I say a lot of things I don't
mean, like, "I'll pay you back"

or "I'm good to drive."

Come on, Max.
We want to set you up.

I got a great guy, Ben.

He's in my drum
and my jerk circle.

What now? It's my amateur
jerky-making group.

So it's when you and a
bunch of your chef friends

bring your meat down to a
circle and just jerk together?

That's it, exactly.

Anyway, my guy is the ta-tas.

He's in my spin class,
he's an I-banker,

and he drives a crossover
vehicle, so, yeah, he's white.

Okay. My guy,
Jane's guy...

It doesn't matter. We just
want you to be happy.

But my guy is better.

Exactly. Let us make you
happy with my guy.

My guy.

I am so happy.

I am quite fulfilled.

In fact, I actually have

a very busy weekend ahead of me.

Oh, no.

Uh, what are you... What are
you doing this weekend?

Well, if you must know,

I'm about to mount an
all-dead-fly-from-my-windowsill

production of Pippin, so...

Yeah. I'm into whatever
you guys got cooking.

- Yes!
- Yay. No.

You broke it, Brad.
You broke it, Penny.

Come on! Brad,
don't worry about Tyler.

We glue this baby back together,

and it won't matter
what that damn bird says.

Ugh. Where'd you get
this stuff?

These glue fumes are
making me feel all gooey.

It's from my super.
It's industrial strength.

He said he only says he
uses it to forget the past.

Three school buses he crashed.

What?
It's perfect.

Wait. Alex did this
when she was five?

Her hands were gigantic.

Okay, Alex, give me your hand.

Et voila.

You can barely tell
it was broken.

Right?
We did it!

Yeah!

Suck it, Tyler.

♪ Suck it forever, Tyler

♪ Suck it, suck it, Tyler

♪ Squawk about us now

♪ Squawk about us now, baby,
squawk about us now

♪ Squawk about us, now, baby,
squawk about us ♪

Oh!

Taking a nap, buddy?

Tuckered out
from all that racism?

Someone's pooped.

Someone's pooped.

Ty-Ty's
a little ti-ti, aren't you?

Looks like our little baby-waby...

He's dead.

Oh, my God!
Ahhh!

Come on. Clear.
Huh!

Clear!

Oh!

You can't just poke him
with a pencil and say "Clear."

We need defibrillators.

Well, I don't have bird
defibrillators, now do I, Penny?

I saw 'em
in the SkyMall catalog,

but, no, I just had to get
my marshmallow gun.

Damn you, Brad!
Damn you to hell!

Face it, Brad.
Tyler's dead.

Yeah, 'cause your
stupid glue killed him.

And now Alex is gonna
totally know it's our fault

when she reads the bird autopsy.

Ow!
That's not a real thing!

Fudge. Now I need you to
shush so I can think.

Okay. We need to cover this up.
We need to cover this up.

What would Kerry
Washington do in Scandal?

Demand to see the president,
then almost make out with him.

Exactly.

I know.

We make it seem like
he flew out of the window.

That's brilliant!
Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, right, because his wings
are clipped, you dunce!

Ow!

But if his wings are clipped,
we can make it look like

he fell out of the window.

Now that's brilliant.

You know, the first two slaps
I get, no notes on those.

But the third? Like, our
ideas were pretty similar.

If anything,
I got us in the area.

Congratulations, Brad.

You pitched an area.

Hey, dum-dums. So you
remember how you two dum-dums

pitched me the idea
of setting me up,

and at first, I was like,
"What a couple of dum-dums"?

But I think I might've found
a guy I really like.

Really?
Oh, hell, yeah!

Which is why I came over
here to give you each

a choice bottle of wine
to say thank you.

Then I remembered

those choice bottles
of wine I speak of,

I stole them
from that wine rack.

So mentioning wine at all
would just

raise more questions
than the gesture was worth.

Uh, I'm over here biting
my nails. Who'd you choose?

Did you choose Ben or Jamie?

Can I get a drumroll, please?

Neither of 'em. Did not
care for either of 'em.

But during the second
disaster of a date,

I did meet a super cute
bartender named Marcus.

We have all the same interests.

Love Ryan Reynolds,
hate Ryan Reynolds' movies.

So I'm seeing him tonight.

Yay!
Yay!

That is awesome.

Thanks, guys.
Thank you.

Thrilled for you, Max.

But can we just put it
in reverse for a sec

and just go back to that
little thing about you

not really caring
for either of our guys?

Uh, specifically, my guy Ben.

Hmm.
Ben. Yeah.

You know,
Ben just wasn't my type.

He also weirdly
reminded me of someone.

You get John Mayer's latest?

That guy starts at love
and just floors it.

Wow. I love the
shape of your face.

Whoa.

I mean,
that line is a boxer-dropper

if ever I heard one.

But who is it... Who is it
that he reminds you of?

Well, it seems like Dave's
guy has deuced the futon.

Oh. But what could possibly
be wrong with my guy?

Jamie?
He just wasn't my type either,

to tell you the truth.

He also reminded me of someone.
Really?

I've taken the liberty of
writing up our date itinerary.

It's laminated, so no worries
if you spill salsa on it.

But don't.

Seriously, don't.

A laminated itinerary is
just good planning. Is it?

Huh. But that is
not what matters.

What matters is that you and your
new friend, Marcus, are happy.

So jazzed for you.

So jazzed for you, Max.

Great. Well, I got
to skedaddle.

Meeting Marcus later.

And let me tell you, I plan on
wining, dining, and 79'ing him.

And, yes, if you're
wondering, that is 10 better.

Oh. Ooh.

All right, Brad, let's get
our stories straight.

Tired of Alex's diverse
group of friends,

Tyler finally decided
to make a break for it.

Okay.
Leaving behind

this trail of feathers, he
made his way to the window,

pausing only to poo

on this Newsweek
with Obama on the cover.

Butt full of bigotry.

Then he pecked through the
screen, leaving behind this...

Cartoonish, parrot-shaped hole?

Brad, you had one job.

Maybe I made enough room for
my conscience to fit through.

Ugh. Okay, whatever.

He pecked through the screen,
tried to fly, but couldn't,

and then fell to his death.
It's the perfect crime.

Wow. Now the only
thing left is one of us

needs to toss this guy into
the dumpster. Nice and easy.

Yep, just, uh, take
that nasty, dead bird

and throw him in the trash.
Easy-peasy.

Ew! Ew! Ew!

Oh.

To Max and his new guy Marcus.

So, so, so, so happy for Max.

You know what thought
I just cannot shake, though,

is how did Max and
Jamie not hit it off?

Delete Jamie and
replace him with Ben,

and you've got what's going
on inside my noodle.

I mean, tether me
back to earth here,

but Jamie is a catch.

Great legs, awesome
take charge personality.

Max needs that.

And call me crazy,
but Ben is a dream, right?

I mean, describe me loco,

but what is Max thinking?

I mean, up is down,
acoustic guitars are lame,

Mayer is bad?

I mean, when did
we all turn on Mayer?

Well... Pretty much
right off the bat.

But you know, the more we
talk about Ben and Jamie,

the more I see that you and
I, without realizing it,

set Max up with two guys
that are exactly like

two of the best dudes in town.

Thank you. And who is
this Marcus guy?

I mean, that name...

Oh. God, it sounds black.

Which is the only
thing I like about it.

Otherwise, I hate that guy.

But, we are missing the point.

Max is happy.

Yes. That is all
that matters.

Max is happy.

To Max.

Still...

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

How can you eat bird right now?

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.

All I hear is Tyler.

You killed me.

But a white guy would've
killed me better.

Maybe we should
just confess to Alex.

Hey, lady,
the only way we get caught

is if you blow this for us,
so just keep it together.

Fine. I won't sing.

But there's no way anyone in
the world is stupid enough

to believe that bird
fell out the window.

Guys, my bird fell out the window!

Tyler's dead.

Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.

What a terrible accident,
I'm assuming.

I have no idea what happened.
The screen was popped open,

there was feathers everywhere.

He dropped some farewell heat
on my Obama Newsweek.

Wow. Not the Newsweek.

Dark days. Dark days.

But you need to move on.

My advice would be to not
ask anyone any questions

about anything at all
ever again.

It's called closure.

You know what? You're right.
Yes, you're right.

Sweet, sweet closure.

These are dang good.

Mmm. Of course, the
real closure will come

when I get
the autopsy report back.

Lord have mercy.

I don't like talking about my sex
dreams that much, but it was me,

Jeff Van Gundy,
and Stan Van Gundy.

No. I had Jeff coaching
me on defense,

and Stan coaching me on offense.

Max, I didn't know
you come here.

We spend half our
lives here, Jane.

Me? Just hanging out with Jamie.

Great guy, by the way.

He said he is dying to go
on another date with you,

and then boom,
fate takes the wheel

and parallel parks us
next to you...

And your doughy friend.

Whoa.
Actually, Jane,

you said it was Max who was
dying to go out with me.

Did she now? Max, are
you dating this guy?

Who? Neil Patrick Niles? No.

Max, I did not know
that you come here.

You mind if me and Mr.
Wonderful circle up?

Yeah, I mind.
I mind a lot.

Great.
We doing single sangrias

or should I order el carafe?

- No carafes.
- None for me.

I don't put Spanish beverages
in French containers

because I'm not, as you would
probably say, muy gauche.

Plus fruit
garnishes carry more diseases

than Kevin Smith's
refrigerator handle.

Okay, what's going on here?

- I can explain, Marcus.
- Allow me.

Our buddy max here
makes terrible decisions,

but luckily, we know
what's best for him.

Well, when you guys decide
who you want Max to date,

just let me know.

No. Come on, Marcus.

Marcus, this is a bit
of an overreaction.

I mean, this happens
to everybody. Well...

I hope you two idiots are happy.

I told you, I never wanted
to date Jamie or Ben ever.

Harsh barley, bro.

Is it?
Is it harsh barley?

What is wrong
with Ben and Jamie?

They're you.

What?
What?

Are you kidding?
Look at yourselves.

I think you
got all the germs, guys.

And I got Jack Johnson one and
Jack Johnson two over here.

Thank you.
Appreciate it.

I don't know how to make this
any clearer to you guys,

but I would never date anyone
even remotely like you two.

You wanted me to be happy?
I almost was,

and then you ruined it.
So if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go home,
hard-boil an egg,

and eat it on the toilet.

L'chaim.

Oops.

Yeah.

Thank you guys so much
for paying your respects.

Tyler would be so touched
that you're here.

Well, not you, Brad.

Of course. So, uh,

did you get
the autopsy report or...

Brad, she doesn't want
to talk about that now.

Yeah, but I haven't read it yet.
Just too sad.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh. Tyler's friends
are here.

White power.

I should go and say hello.
Excuse me.

Be strong, girl.
Yeah.

Oh, my God. We gotta come clean now.
Please, can we come clean?

I am so scared.
Shush!

She will never know anything

if she never reads
the autopsy report.

That's why you are gonna
find it and destroy it.

What if it was e-mailed
to her as a PDF?

How do you destroy a PDF?
It's in the clouds.

I don't control the clouds.
I'm not Thor!

Shush mouth.

Now, go. Be a man.

I'll go find it. Ugh!

Well, matchmaker, matchmaker.

You know, I'd storm out right
now if my love for funeral food

wasn't greater than my hatred
for two selfish jerks.

Max, we're sorry that
we screwed things up.

I mean, we really do
want you to be happy.

Which is why
we tracked Marcus down,

explained to him what happened,

and told him he'd be lucky
to date a guy like you.

Wow. You guys, thank you.

That's awesome. What,
should I call him or...

Oh...
No.

Absolutely not.
No. No. No. No. No.

No, no, no.
He was pretty upset.

It actually escalated into
a pretty tense situation.

Dave here threw what he
maintains is a punch,

but it looked more like a
figure-skating twirl, like a...

Well, it's called a haymaker,

which Marcus promptly turned
into a devastating arm bar,

but the good news is
I finally get to get

that Tommy John surgery
I've always wanted, so,

win-win.

Look, we're sorry that
we tried to set you up

with a couple of
lame-os like us.

Guys, you're not lame.

I mean, you are lame,

but it's cool. And the
reason I don't want

to date anyone
like the two of you

is because my pantry's
already stocked

with an awesome Dave
and a kick-ass Jane

and a rat that can
eat through aluminum cans

that I will kill
with these hands.

Hey, bring it in, guys.

Mmm. Mmm.

Tommy John.

Yes!

- Brad.
- Ahhh!

Could you please join us?

I'd like to say
a few words about Tyler.

Uh-huh.

Everybody, please, join me.

We are all here
to remember Tyler,

a huge racist

and an even huger-er friend.

He will be missed.

This is so hard.

His death is
particularly troubling to me

because I don't think
it was an accident.

I know that there was a human
hand at work in his death.

And that human hand was...

Me! Us. Me and Brad. We did it.

We're so sorry.
Tyler was killed

from the glue fumes used
to fix your hand plate.

Also, we broke your hand plate.

What? Also you had
huge hands as a kid.

And I'm sorry about that, too.

Yeah, I know that.
We're so sorry.

So big.
So sorry.

Wait. You guys killed Tyler?

Wait. I thought that's
what you were gonna say.

Who did you think it was?

Me. Before I went to the
Rom-Com Con, Tyler and I got

into a big argument
about what constitutes

a celebrity apprentice all-star.

I said Melissa Rivers.
He said Joseph Goebbels.

I don't know. I
just thought he was so upset

that he decided
to commit suicide.

I see how you got there.

I can't believe you two.

You killed my parrot
with glue fumes?

I said I'm sorry.

Look at this. "Cause of
death, liver damage."

Real nice, guys.

"Systemic organ failure"?
Oh. Lovely.

"Due to excessive alcohol
consumption"? What?

Who gave him alcohol? Huh?

Look at the TV.

You gotta look at that TV, girl.
What?

Oh! That.

I had to give Tyler 'ritas.
It was taco Tuesday.

He hated Mexicans,
but he loved their food.

Heard that before.
These hands are clean.

Welp, to Tyler.

To Tyler.
Yes.

Hell, no! I will not
toast to that bird.

He is racist!

You know, one time he saw
me get out of a town car

and asked me
what team I played for?

Sounds like him.

♪ Tyler, I miss
you, you're the only one

♪ I wish I knew
how to make you come

♪ Home to me

♪ Why don't you
come, come, come, come

♪ Come, come, come, come

♪ Come, come, come,
come, come

♪ Home to me

♪ Tyler, come home ♪