Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 7 - No-Ho-Ho - full transcript

So... Everyone's coming to our
place for Christmas this year?

I thought you guys were going
to your parents' house.

Uh, no. Jane and Alex's parents
are going to sex camp.

Good news is, we all
get to be together,

I get to open presents,
peace on earth,

who cares, who cares, who cares?
I get to open presents.

When it comes to opening
presents on Christmas morning,

Alex is like a kid
on Christmas morning.

Yes, I'm getting good at this!

Mmm-mmm.

There's nothing like the first
delicious rip of wrapping paper.



The gift teases you
with what's inside,

you see those letters, C-H-U...

And you know
it's chutes and ladders.

Except for that one time that it was
a chubby checker chess set. Uh!

Hey, guys. What can I
get for you today?

I will have an eggnog,

my most favorite
holiday beverage.

You can drink it
any way you want.

Straight, on the rocks.

You can throw a shot of sake in
there, call it a Nagasaki bomb.

Uh-oh! Did he hear that?

Did the Asian waiter hear that?

Okay. I just need some IDs.

Ugh! Carded again?
When will I look my age?



Curse this amazing alabaster complexion.
What a hassle.

Well, not just yours, ma'am.

- Ma'am?
- I need everybody's IDs.

Some kids have been sneaking
in with some fakes.

Ah! I remember
my first fake ID.

D'sean Andre.
40, Pisces, from Ohio.

I got in nowhere.

I'm sorry.
Uh, this is a fake.

What? No, it's not.

Give me that.

Is her name
Jane Kerkovich-Williams?

Yes.

Is her height five feet
eight inches? Yes.

Is her eye color
frosted spruce? Yes.

Did she have to petition the
Illinois secretary of state

to allow her to have this
color on her license?

No. He's a good friend of ours.
Mmm-hmm.

The ID. Is fake. I can
call the cops if you want.

Call the cops, man!

Whoa!

You think I'm scared of the
cops 'cause I'm black?

Call the cops, man.

Okay, it is a fake ID.

Wait. Jane,
why you have a fake ID?

My birthday is not July 16th.

What?

It's December 25th.

I'm a Christmas baby.

I've never done pilates!

I just go to a bakery
every Sunday.

Oh. I thought we were
all admitting stuff.

No.
No.

So just Jane?

Yeah.

Christmas baby, you say?
Weird.

Let's... let's... let's rap about that.
Come on, everyone.

I still can't believe you lied
to me about your birthday.

I thought you were
older than me.

I thought I was married
to a MILF.

Now all those fantasies about
her being my Dad's new wife

and giving me a bath and swaddling
me don't make any sense.

What? What? What? What?

Why would a younger woman give
me a bath and swaddle me?

It's weird!
Yeah, it's weird.

Look, when your birthday
is on Christmas,

you get completely
forgotten about.

You know what? Let me paint
you a little picture.

One Christmas birthday morn,

I tiptoed down the stairs

to find me Mum and Pop
waiting for me.

Wait. Are you Madonna
in this story?

And, lo,

besides them 'twas
a Christmas gift.

'Twas an easy bake oven.

Good story.
It's over now, right?

Shh! I wanna hear
what happens.

You were there.

Well, there was another gift
waiting for me.

A birthday gift.

Was it a sleigh?

Hmm!

Or a doll who wets herself?

No.

It was batteries.

No.

For the easy bake oven.

And boom...

My parents ruined my childhood

by giving me the dreaded
Christmas/birthday combo gift.

Oof.
Roof stoof.

Must've been nice
having two parents.

Yeah. Sorry.

So... I sat my folks down

and I said, "From now on, my
birthday will be July 16th."

And, you know,

a summer birthday really
matches my easy, breezy vibe.

Easy, breezy vibe?
I thought you had more of

a Dead of Winter, The Girl
with the Dragon Tattoo,

Sarsgard murder house vibe.

Yes.

Aw, babe, I feel horrible that
you had to change your birthday.

You should get to celebrate
on your actual day.

I'm really okay with it,

and not like when I said I was okay with
you and Max starting a black circus.

You didn't like Ringling
brothers for brothers?

It would've been
the greatest show on earf.

Don't you dare laugh at that.

Okay, you can laugh
a little bit.

Thanks. I wanted to.

Racists!

Thank you so much for helping me
pick out Pete's Christmas gift.

I mean, this is the first
gift I've ever given him,

and I really don't wanna
screw it up.

Pen, this is huge. Huge.

I know! And... and I haven't been
the best gift giver in the past.

But this time,
I kinda think I nailed it.

I'm either giving him
this book on Iraq...

Mmm.

This artisanal flight of jams...
Ooh!

Or this antique fan.

Pen, these gifts are perfect...
For the garbage.

Okay, that's some
fearless feedback.

I'm gonna help you.

Now most people
don't know this about me,

but I have the uncanny ability

to find people the perfect gift.

I'm the gift...
...whisperer.

What's the what what?

You heard me, Dollface.

I'm the gift...
...whisperer.

Gifts whisper to me and tell me

who they'd be perfect for.

Oh, really?
Like when you said

you were the horse
whisperer whisperer,

but ya never ended up
getting that DVD to work?

Shh.

Pen, you need this gift
to feel personal

but not come across like you're
ready to walk down the aisle,

even though I know
you've picked out the ring.

His grandmother has this
gorgeous bezel set princess cut.

And between you and me,
she's not doing too well.

Ya can't take it with ya.

Oh, my God!
You are the gift...

Whisper.

Ah... Whispering's
kind of my thing.

Shut up!

Merry Christmas, everyone.

♪ ...with boughs of holly

♪ Fa la la la la,
Ia-Ia la la ♪

Mmm.

Happy birthday, Jane...

And Jesus.

Ugh!

SURPRISE.

Why does she keep pepper
spraying us on her birthday?

It got in my pants!

It's on my penis!

What are you guys doing here?

We were postponing Christmas

so we can celebrate your birthday
on your actual birthday!

We thought it would
make you happy!

Uh, yeah. You know what?
My bad, guys.

This one's on me.

I'm sorry, guys.

What was it you were gonna
say before the whole...

...thing.

We were gonna say that we're
postponing Christmas for the day

so that we could
celebrate Jane-mas.

The jazz hands?

- Oh, yeah.
- We made a big show of it.

What's Jane-mas?

You're gonna do everything you would
normally do on your July birthday.

I'm gonna take you shopping,

we're gonna get our nails did,

and then...

We're gonna throw you
the best birthday party ever.

Guys, I really appreciate what
you're trying to do, okay?

But you can't shut Christmas out.
It's unstoppable.

We're stopping it, missy, today.

Alex is gonna keep her weird present
opening fetish under wraps,

no pun intended.
I don't get it anyway.

And Max is gonna be eggnostic
for the day, pun intended.

I'm not saying there is eggnog.

I'm not saying
there's not eggnog.

What I'm saying is...
There's no way to know for sure.

I really don't get that one.

There is going to be zero evidence
of Christmas on your birthday.

Please.
All right, I'm in.

Yes.

- But... This is gonna be tough.
- Right.

Christmas creeps in.

Example...

Santa Claus socks.

No, no, no, no.
That... that's not Santa.

That's the old guy
from Jurassic Park,

and those are... candy
cane-asaurases.

Get out and do not come back

until you have on secular
socks, young lady.

Sorry, Pen.
Rules are rules.

Huh?

- No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.
- What was that?

What was that?
No, that's just...

That's the theme song
to Jurassic Park, guys.

Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park

♪ Newman gets killed bad ♪

I'll show myself out.
Penny?

Right behind you.

I love this. I'm glad
we got tossed out,

because now we have time to find
the perfect present for Pete.

Although what is gonna
be open on Christmas?

A gas station?
A drugstore?

Israel?

Pen, it's not about
the gift per se.

It's about taking Pete
on a journey.

Now close your eyes with me

and envision the perfect
journey for Pete.

Oh-kay.

See it.

See it.

I got it!

We are gonna take Pete on a
fun-filled scavenger hunt

that leads to Arcade Fire tickets
hidden in his apartment.

Oh, my God, that's genius!

How did you think of that
in, like, 20 seconds?

Actually, I came up with it
in the first five seconds.

The last 15 seconds
were spent wondering

whether or not I should
shave my goatee.

Ah.

And the answer is
a-big, a-fat, a no.

We'll keep soul-searching
on that one.

♪ Making
decorations for my baby

♪ I should've sung this
like Michael McDonald

♪ It's way
better like Michael McDonald

♪ Yeah ♪

Sorry, hip-hop Santa.

I cannot dance with you
this year. I made a promise.

Oh.

Are you poppin'?

You can't pop without a lock.

I'll do one lock.

One. That's it.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Pete?

Havin' a little dance-off
with hip-hop Santa?

No.
I'm winning, though.

I heard your singing, too.

I don't even like
stupid hip-hop Santa.

He's so stupid.

Uh!

Whoa. How come you get to throw
hip-hop Santa off the balcony,

but when I do it with a
balloon full of nickels,

it's quote-unquote
attempted manslaughter?

Oh, we sniffing people now?

That's what's hot
in the streets?

That's eggnog.

Are you back on
the sweet and creamy?

It's not my fault, man.

Merry Christmas!
Eggnog sample?

It's half-price today.

No, thank you, enabler.

No yuletide beverage
for this guy.

Just some snacks, some wine,

possibly, a Source magazine.

Oh.

I'd say that's disgusting,

but I've seen you
marinate chicken that way.

Now pull it together, man.
Christmas is not gonna beat us.

It's beatin' me.

It's beatin' me so hard!

All right, we have a clue here,
we have one under the pillow,

and the tenth clue will lead
to the CD player,

which will not work

because that is where we hid
the Arcade Fire tickets.

I feel like this is
needlessly confusing,

like that show Treme.

No, it's not confusing.

You see, Wendell Pierce is a
struggling musician. Let me back up.

Most people don't realize that New
Orleans is the main character.

Let me back up again.

You see, jazz is derived
from Negro spirituals.

I feel like you think
this is helping?

You know what? You do the
clues in the kitchen,

I'll do 'em out here.

That's perfect.
Okay.

What can I work with in here?

I can do the light.

No, that'll catch fire.

Here.

"To Penny, from Pete."

A big-ass candle.

That's terrible.

Well, Al, you really
cleared this place out.

No Christmas decorations.

I don't even see your annual
Christmas gingerbread

"love actually" window display.

No. I threw out
gingerbread Hugh Grant.

I threw out gingerbread
Liam Neeson.

Full discloshe,

I ate gumdrop Bill Nighy.

Yummy guy.

This is great.

I finally get to do my birthday
shopping spree on my actual birthday.

Thanks, Al.

You're welcome.

Hey, do you want me to gift
wrap that dress for you?

And are you sure
you can handle that

with your whole gift wrapping
issue that makes no sense?

I'm fine. I got that
70% recycled paper,

so you know it's real soft.

Weak. Won't put up
much of a fight.

Yeah, it'll rip up real nice.

So just give me the gift,
and I'll unwrap it... wrap it.

Unwrap it.
Just give it to me.

Okay.

Pick up, pick up.

Hey, Brad, how's it going?

Uh, not great.
We're taking on Christmas.

I, uh, I danced
with my hip-hop Santa,

and Max got drunk on eggnog.

I didn't vote for Obama!

I couldn't respect
his March madness bracket!

Al, we really need your...

Wait. What's that sound?
Are you opening presents?

No.
What?

Well, not real presents.

It's that disappointing present,

gingerbread Alan Rickman gives
to gingerbread Emma Thompson

in my Love Actually display.

Oh, yeah, that opens nice.

Al, get it together, okay?
Stay committed to Jane-mas!

Okay. For Jane.

You really didn't vote
for Obama?

I was being funny.

I wrote in Casey Affleck
on the ballot!

Every vote counts.

Just when I thought there
couldn't be any more clues,

I open up the CD player,

and there's tickets
to Arcade Fire.

It's an awesome, awesome gift.

Oh. How did you know?

Well, I have my ways.

Mmm.
Mmm.

I hope you like my gift.

I'm gonna love it.

Aw.

Hey, uh, Penny,
why don't you go on?

I wanna talk to Pete about
my fantasy soccer team.

You see, I'm thinking
about trading Inigo Montoya

for Rancho Cucamonga, so...

Well, that sounds made up,

but I've gotta pee,
so I'll go inside.

I'll see you then, monkey.

Love your face!

Oh, thank you.
See you.

Hey, man, I don't know
much about soccer,

but I think you just
traded Mandy Patinkin

for a town in California.

That was subterfuge, Peter!

What I really wanna know

is what you plan on giving
Penny for Christmas.

Oh. Big-ass candle.

Ah! Le
big-ass candle. A classic...

If your're
a sophomore in college.

Listen, Pedro,

I got Penny a very nice scarf
from her favorite boutique.

Now you can give it to her
if you want.

Oh, man, I appreciate that,
Dave. I do.

But I think I'm gonna
stick with my candle.

Big mistake. What?

Nothing. I had something
caught in my throat.

And you're making a big mistake.

Happy Birthday.

Please don't pepper spray
my pee-pee! Please!

Please don't pepper spray
my pee-pee, please.

I'm new. I'm just
trying to fit in.

Guys!

Thank you so much for going to
all this trouble on my birthday.

I mean, I was a little scared,
you know, to get my hopes up,

but... This has been
really great.

I told you, Brad has
everything under control.

Now let's eat, drink, ha ha!

Hey. Psst, string bean.
What?

Listen, man.

Jane needs to open
up a gift, you know,

'cause it's 4:00
on Christmas day,

and no one's opened
diddly-squat.

Just hang on a little longer.

Hey, I'm tired of you
telling me what to do, man.

You've got gift eyes.

Presents, everybody!

No, no! No. no, wait. no.

What the hell are you doing?

What do you care?

What are you doing?
What is this, Oz?

Damn it, Max,
you're noggin' again!

So what if I am?

Look, tomorrow,
I will buy one of those,

and we will wear them
to the movies.

But tonight, I need you
on the nog wagon.

Respect.
Right.

I really like this one. All right,
this is one... And I like this one.

Hey.
Oh, yes.

This is some beautiful wrapping paper.
Come on, come on, come on.

I hate to rip it.
You know what?

I will get my letter opener,

recycle this for later.

Great idea, babe. Recycle?
What is this, Portland?

You gotta get her
to open this gift now.

Hey, hey. Why don't you chill
out and have some back nog?

You have an issue.

This is Jane's night, all right?

You two idiots need to get it...

Hey, boo! Found what you need?
Sure did.

Oh, you know what?
I am such a boob.

This isn't
my gift letter opener.

It's my letter letter opener.
Just open the...

Gift!

What?
My eyes! My eyes!

My nog! My nog!

Quick!

How much nog did I put in here?

What is happening?

I got it!

Happy Birthday.

Jane still not answering
her phone?

No.

I gotta find her.

So...

What's on the old schedule now?

I mean, I guess it would be wrong to
open presents without Jane, right?

But Penny can
open her gift from Pete.

I'm sure he went
to a lot of trouble, right?

No, I can wait.

Just open the gift, Penny.

Whoa. Okay.

Well, Pen, here we go.

I hope you like it.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

A big-ass candle?

Pete, I tried to tell ya.

I love it! That she'd love it!

Oh!

♪ ...for the slave ♪

Merry Christmas!

♪ Happy birthday to us

♪ Happy birthday to us ♪

♪ Happy birthday to us ♪

Uh... Excuse me?

What are you guys doing?

Every year, we celebrate
our birthdays together

because everyone else is
so caught up in Christmas.

So get outta here!

Christmas babies only!

I am a Christmas baby.

Hmm?

Happy birthday.

You're home.

Brava, Penny.

What an amazing performance.

I actually believed that you
liked Pete's big-ass candle.

Alfre Woodard has
nothing on you.

But I really did love
the candle.

And there's a very
sweet story behind it.

One night, Pete and I were
watching Contagion,

and he said if I were ever
dying like Gwyneth Paltrow,

he wouldn't let me suffer.

He'd put a bullet in my head

and then light the biggest
candle he could find

to match my big heart.

Pete said that?

I know!

No guy has ever offered
to kill me.

Well, one did,

but it was during sex,
so I don't think that counts.

Wow. So the candle is a
symbol of your relationship.

It shines a light where you've
been and we're you're going.

Damn it.
Mmm.

That beautiful bastard
is the true gift whisperer.

Nay, he's the gift king.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

He's the king.

So for Christmas, my
parents gave me a bike.

Then for my birthday, they
gave me air for the tires.

Yeah, you... you can't
give away air.

It's not yours to give.

No!
Mmm.

One time, my parents decided
to throw me a party

on my actual birthday.

None of the kids could come...

Except for Rachel Goldstein.

She had facial dandruff.

Never seen that.

God, this is great...

To be with people who get me.

So...

What else do we Christmas
babies do on this day?

Well, first, we celebrate,

then we cut the cake,

then we go out and destroy
everyone's Christmas decorations.

Oh, yeah!

What?

We pay back Christmas

for ruining our entire lives.

Yes!

- All the late birthday cards...
- Yeah!

- The combo gifts...
- Yeah!

The impotence!

It's time to take back the day!

Yeah!

I just remembered.

This is a wig and it's a rental,

and I have to return it,

so I gotta ska-doo right now.

Okay.

Babe?

Babe!

Where have you been? I've been
looking all over for you.

Oh! And you got my
favorite caramel corn.

Uh, yes! Yes.

Yes, I got this for you

and no one else
here with us right now.

Oh! Just a surprise.
That's so sweet!

Take it.
Just have it.

It's stuck to your hands.

Oh!

You okay?

Yeah.

Let's go home
and celebrate Christmas.

No! No.

No, I... I'm not giving up,
all right?

I've gotta make it right
for that little girl

who got her heart broken
year after year.

That little girl is fine,

because that heartbreak made her
into the woman she is today.

I took control of my destiny.

I changed my birthday.

I am Queen's boulevard.

Damn right you are.
Yeah.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm!

Thank you so much
for trying so hard.

I really appreciate it.

Now let's go home
before the riot starts.

Okay.

Before the what starts?

Uh, it'll be on the news.