Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 6 - To Serb with Love - full transcript

Ding!

Mmm.

Ding.
What are we?

A typewriter.
Unsanitary.

Brad is correct.
Jane is a bitch.

YES!
Mmm.

I'm always right about Cornplay.

Was wrong about Coldplay, though.
They're still huge.

Mmm.
Yes, they are.

Speaking of things we never thought
would last, look at you two.

Still going strong.



Yeah, best of all, we've got the
original foursome back together.

Roll call!
Oh!

- Brad. Jane. Dave. Alex.
- Mmm.

We must protect this house!

Yeah!

- And, Max!
- Yeah.

Hello?
This is not a foursome.

You guys are totally
fifth-wheeling me.

Come on, man. We're not
fifth-wheeling you, Joey Fatone.

Yeah, you're still part
of the group, Sporty Spice.

You're our favorite character,
Roz from "Frasier."

Watch it. Oh, Roz. She
was the Rozziest.

Whatever. I don't need
the four of you anyway,

because here comes Penny,



and she no doubt
has a tall tale to tell

about how she ruined her
10-day-old relationship with Pete.

I live for these stories.

Hey, guys. Hey.
Pen. Let me guess.

Pete broke up with you because
he was shaving at your house

and caught you whipping the
whiskers into a little vial

that you would thus
wear around your neck

so you would always have
a piece of him on you.

No.

Max, that is rude.

I am sure that
he broke up with her

because she showed him
a video of her birth

because she thought it would
"bring 'em closer"?

I know.

She came up with
a nickname for his junk,

"then got confused and
called it "dad." Could be.

No. You guys! S.T.D.

I was gonna guess that!
You to him or him to you?

No, S.T.D...
Sorry to disappoint,

also, still together, dummies.

Double S.T.D.

That's right, friends, Pete
and I are a-doing a-great.

Oh, yeah.
Well, where is this Pete?

He's parking the car.
Yeah?

The getaway car?

He's about to come in here and break
up with you right in front of us?

Hey, everyone.

Ah, do it, Pete.

Missed you, babe.

Aw!
Okay, scooch, guys.

Man on end. There's
a man coming through.

Uh!

Oh!

Seriously?

Idiot.
Max, you're the Rozziest.

So we are all set
for Dad's party.

Traditional Serbian
restaurant... check.

Traditional Serbian menu...
a-check.

Traditional Serbian music...

Czech... Oslovakian.

It is tough to find
a Serbian band.

By the way, Jane,
I took care of the apps.

We're gonna have
head cheese dumplings

with blood sausage
dipping sauce.

Okay, now I just
have to figure out

what I'm gonna say
in my toast to Dad.

Just say something
nice and heartfelt.

You're good at that.
Boring.

This year, I'm a-gonna
do some a-comedy.

That's a a-terrible a-idea.

Yeah, especially for Dad.
He doesn't laugh at anything.

I mean, except for Gallagher.

But who doesn't find
Gallagher hilarious?

I don't.

With the watermelons
and the smashing?

It's funny because
it's wasteful.

It's just not funny. Well,
I am gonna make him laugh

by constructing the perfect joke

appealing to his
specific interests,

crafted by his loving daughter,

who's done exhaustive research.

Comedy's all about
research, babe.

It's why Dave Chappelle has
two LexisNexis accounts.

You'll see.
I don't know.

I mean, your dad's
kind of a tough room.

So... Parties, right?

Why would you say that?

Well, at least this year
I've got Dave.

Actually, I told Dave
that he didn't have to go.

What? I know, but
these family events

are so long and boring.
Got that right.

Plus Dave's steak truck

just got hired for a quinceanera.
Mmm.

Yeah. 15-year-old
Mexican girls love Dave.

They call him
vaquero blanca de fuego.

Que?
The fiery white cowgirl.

He is not fiery.
No.

So you're really not going
to Mr. Ks party?

Yeah. Alex said
she was cool with it.

Oh, Dave, you scruffy dummy.

I'm glad you came to me.
You came here.

Going to family events
is a major part

of being
in a serious relationship.

You have to be there.

This is the 20th anniversary
of a man's mattress store.

It's two decades of pillow
tops and memory foam.

Memory foam, Dave...

It doesn't forget,
and neither will Alex.

So even though Alex said
I don't have to go,

she really wants me there.

And bingo was his name-o.

David, I have been
in a thriving relaysh

for... I can't even
remember how long.

10 days.

11 nights.
You have to trust me.

I don't want to overstate
it, but I think

I've sort of mastered
relationships completely,

like forever, into perpa-tutu.

Well, I do think
you want to overstate it,

but I'm happy that
you and Pete are happy.

It is going so great!

I haven't even made that list of
faults that I make for every guy

so that if we break up,

I can console myself with
his many weaknesses and such.

You do that?
Oh, yeah.

Name any guy I've ever dated.

Simon.

Micro junk, played the recorder,
addicted to angel dust.

Oh. Now I feel better.

Simon was addicted
to angel dust?

That's why he was
always punching cars.

I just thought he was cool.

Max, you are gonna help me build
the perfect joke for my dad,

you are my less fit,
less handsome Bruce Vilanch.

Ooh. Low blow.

Okay, these are
my Dad's chief interests.

Pay attention.

- World war II...
- Uh-huh.

Chicago Bears.
Uh-huh.

Bass fishing.

Chevy Chase.

The actor
or the Maryland suburb?

Neither. Talk show host.

My dad was a big fan
of "The Chevy Chase Show."

He always bet on the wrong horse
when it came to late night...

Rivers, Thicke, Johnson.

Loved "The Magic Hour."

Magic's a national hero.

He really raised awareness
about how a person

could successfully live
with not having a talk show.

Mmm.
Next interest.

No, that's it. I mean, except
for old-timey slide projectors.

It's freaking me out.

I need a joke that is gonna
hit on all of these areas.

Okay? So go!

All right.

Okay.

Chevy. Chevy. Chevy.
Chevy. Chevy.

I'm running with Chevy.

We're running away from Nazis.

I'm in a very
"Saturday Nacht Live" place?

Let's try to find
the middle of the road.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little off my game, okay?

It's just... Penny's been
hanging out so much with Pete.

I really miss her.
Mmm.

I mean, her crazy train-wreck
break-up stories

that make me feel so much
better about my life.

Max, Penny's happy,

so as her friend,
you should be...

probably be trying
to break her and Pete up.

Yeah, I just don't know
if that seems like me,

but I do like your other idea.

What other idea? Find someone
who's as big a mess as Penny,

start hanging out with her
to make Penny jealous,

thus forcing Penny to come
crawling back to me.

Never said that.

Oh, Jane. Give yourself some credit, girl.
You are that good.

Credit taken.

You put it in my brain.

Mmm.

Mmm. Yum.

Alex!
Mom!

Oh! Hi, sweetie.
Hi.

Look at your plate.

What are you eating?

Salad?

What did I teach you
about buffet strategy?

Always start with
your high-end meats.

Skip veggies. They'll only
fill you up with nonsense.

And...

Be sure to make sexual
eye contact with the carver.

Your stomach will thank you.

I love you, Mom.

Oh, don't get sappy.
It's buffet time.

So then, Mike Ditka,

former Bears coach,

is in a Sherman tank,

and he is holding a fish...
a bass.

Right.
And then he says...

He says,
"Next slide, please."

Boom.

Huh.

Oh, okay. Yeah.
All right. Uh...

I don't get it.

Okay. All right.
"Next slide, please."

Boom!

Oh. Okay.

Now is "boom" part of it?
'Cause, um, I...

Hey!

Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey.

Congratulations!
There's my girl.

Looking forward to your
heartfelt toast tonight.

I could use a nap.

I might surprise you this year.

In fact, I am gonna go actually
work on my toast right now.

So you're good.
You're good, right?

No. Just don't...

♪ Stay with me ♪

Skinny margarita, please.

So...

Parties, right?

Really?
You're still on that?

Um...

Wanna hear a joke?

Try me.

Open.

Now there's a little
pocket of meat in there.

Now bite down on it.

And...
Mmm!

- Uh-huh. What do you taste?
- More meat.

Now you're
getting the hang of it.

- Mmm!
- Hey, everybody.

Surprise!
Dave.

Alex. Mrs. K.

Oh.
You look beautiful tonight.

Oh, Dave, what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?

Well, Al, I know you said
I didn't have to come,

but I thought about it,
and I should be here.

We're getting serious again.

Serious?

Yeah. He means like how
we're all getting serious again,

you know, 'cause of all the
wars and the flash mobs

and that floating
garbage island.

Okay, we are post-Katrina, guys.

In conclusion, let me walk
you out, my solemn chum.

Let's go.

What was that all about?

Well...

I may not have told my parents
that we're back together.

What? Maybe I did. No,
I definitely didn't.

So Mike Ditka rolls up
on his Sherman tank, right?

And then Ditka says,

"Next slide, please."

Boom!

No boom?

That was hilarious!

Usually, I'm not much
of a joke joke guy.

I like physical comedy...
something where

a big piece of fruit
makes the ultimate sacrifice.

You know what I'm talking about?
Yes.

But I am seeing you now
in a whole new light, Brad.

Well, I hope it's a light from
Ditka's old-timey slide projector.

Uh!

It's great joke.

It was masterfully crafted.

Look, I'm sorry. You left me
alone with him, and I panicked.

I'm seeing you
in a whole new light, too...

the kind of light they use when
you try on a bathing suit,

which is a very
unflattering light, sir.

Not good!

How could you not have told your
parents that we're back together?

It's not the easiest
conversation to have.

I mean, my father
just now forgave me

for the whole wedding fiasco.

I mean, that was a hugely embarrassing
event for our whole family.

Really?
Yeah.

'Cause my family thought
it was a rocking good time.

Look, if I can get over this,
so can your folks.

All right,
let's tell them right now.

I'll do it. Come on.

Okay. Yeah. You're right.
Let's do it. Okay.

Dave Rose and my daughter Alex.

Hey.

You know, when I see
you two nitwits,

I'm reminded of that fateful day

when you didn't get married,
and I spent tons of money.

Remember that day?

You didn't get married.
I spent tons of money.

You didn't spend
tons of money. I did.

You know, I won't be
able to retire on time.

Anyway, great to see you.

Uh...

Not as easy as you thought, huh?

Hey, you.

This is my new Penny.

Uh, friend. Sorry.

Penny, this is Nickel.

It's pronounced Nicole.

A nickel's worth five
times as much as Penny.

This trick got some crazy stories.
Tell her, Nickel.

Well, I was dating this guy

from my overdaters
anonymous group.

His name is Kevin. Crap. I'm
not supposed to say his name.

It's Kevin Murphy.
Why am I telling you that?

His mother's maiden name
is Andleman. Can't stop!

Then don't.
Anyway, I go to the trouble

to create a Yelp page
about myself,

and he doesn't even review me.
No.

But his mother does,
and her review is scathing.

Unh-unh.
Pronounce it like I taught you.

Scah-thing!
Ooh. Nice.

Oh, Max.
Oh, Penny.

I know what you're doing.
Oh, do you?

Because I'm finally in, like,

a really healthy relationship
with a great guy...

Mmm-hmm. And it's
just making you feel

like I'm the perfect
relationship guru,

and you want me
to help your friend.

I will do it. Nicole, yay.
Let's talk.

Come here, baby girl.
Unh-unh-unh, baby girl.

We BFF's. What kind of
lady tamps you usin'?

Uh... Okay, Nicole, do
you mind if I ask you

what sign you are?

Taurus. Okay. You're gonna
need a really stable man,

like someone who deserves you.

Oh, my gosh!
You need someone like Jimmy.

Jimmy is Pete's brother,
and he is almost

as awesome as Pete.

Almost.

- Nah, he's better. He's Jimmy.
- Aw!

Are we in the same spin class?

Oh. Yeah.

Spin class or chemistry class?

It's like "Breaking Bad" in here.
Sit down. Let's cook.

My plan is failing.
Max, please scooch.

Scooch, scooch, scooch.
Ah.

Ah. There we go.

I could do this all day.

Hmm... Hmm.

The deejay wouldn't
give us our money back...

only a credit on a future event.

Thank God for us,
your grandma died.

Now her favorite song
was "Brick House,"

so it all worked out.

Look, Dave, isn't there something
that you'd like to say

about people
and their situation?

Yes. Mmm.

Yes. Alex and I are...

Look, I'm sorry. I know I've
been beating up on you guys,

but, Dave,
I always really liked you.

Actually, I have a lot of
respect for you. Really?

Yeah.

It takes a big man
to stay friends

with a woman who
humiliated him like that.

Well, I don't think
"humiliated" is the right word.

Emasculated.
That's good.

Oh, uh, embarrassed.
Uh-huh.

Uh, castrated.
Ooh.

Could the word "eunuch"
be a verb?

No.
It's a place, Mom.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Well, Dave, what's new with you?

I mean, have you
been dating anyone?

Dating? Yes.

Lots.

Yards and yards of ladies.

In fact, meters, even,
'cause of the Canadians.

Yeah, I'm
all aboot that Canadian strange, eh?

Gotta go.

I think Jimmy
really liked Nicole.

Oh, what can I say?

I have the hot hand.

Hello.

How do you do it, Penny Hartz?

Where does it come from,
this uncanny knack

for giving lovers
their road maps to happiness?

I don't know.

I think it comes from always
making the right moves

in my own relationship.
But you tell me.

You're the expert.

Penny, what is this?

A list of "Pete's faults"?

Oh. That.

That list in particular...
That's about Pete Rose.

He... he bet on baseball.

He's a bad man.
Let me just...

"Nipples a quarter inch too low,

"too much of a gentleman
in the boudoir,

"repeated mispronunciation
of kwy-noa?"

It's quinoa.

You made a list of my flaws?

No. Yes.

It's this thing that I do.

I think I gotta go.

Wait.

No!

Pete! I'm pregnant!

I'm not!
But I could be!

We could sell it
and live off the money!

There he is.

Why the long face,
Michael Phelps?

I don't know, man.

I guess I didn't really think
about what it would mean

to get back together with Alex,

and now, you know,
everyone in there

is gonna want to
put in their 2 cents, and...

Buddy, you don't think
Jane and I

have to deal with that
every day?

Especially with family.

For years, my aunt
Margaret's nickname for Jane

has been "cocaine."
What?

Yeah. Skinny, white,

and a scourge
to the black community.

That's a special kind of racism.
Yeah.

You know what?

Jane and I get through it.

We don't care what people think.

You're right.

Wait. Aren't you stealing
your wife's jokes

because you do care
what Mr. K thinks?

Do as I say, bruh, not as I duh.

You made the list?

Of course I made the fault list.

I'm me, and that is not all.

Oh, thank God that's not all.
Hit me.

So after Pete left, I
followed him down the street

into the convenience store where
I hid in the magazine section.

Uh-huh.
But then he saw me,

so I tried to duck down...
Uh-huh.

But my shirt got torn
by the salty snack rack!

Uh-oh! And then my
boob popped out.

Yes! Which one?

The bad one. The right.
Uh-oh. The left.

To me, they're both horrible.

Keep going.
Keep going. Keep going.

Okay, so then I tried to pull off
a magazine to cover my boob,

and it's "Bride Weekly"!

What?
Yikes on bikes!

Yikes, yikes,
yikes, yikes, yikes.

Oh, I have missed these stories.

I miss Pete.

Oh.

You really...
you really like him.

Mm-hmm.

What's wrong, honey?
You're not eating.

Nothing.

Oh.

You're just rolling
your sausage around.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, Serbians.

Okay. So it's me,
sincerity Jane,

and I'd just like to say a few

heartfelt words to my Dad
on his big day.

So here we go.

Are... You...
Ready to get wet?

Oh, my God.
She's doing it.

She's going full Gallagher.

Ah!

Ha ha ha!

Okay! Here we go!
Stop, stop! Attention!

Attention, everybody.
I have something to say.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I have an announcement to make.

Alex Kerkovich and I
are dating again.

That's right.

The guy she left at the altar
is back on the scene.

But you shouldn't look
at me as a victim. No. No.

You should only look at the
ladies that I was with

while Alex and I were
broken up as victims...

Of good sex.

Now I know all you have opinions

about us getting back together,

but it doesn't matter.

Because Alex is okay with it,

and so am I.

I'm all in.

Aw!

Aw!

Riveting cameo from Dave Rose.

Oh.

Now back to my thing.

Dad, this is for you.

Aah!

Oh!

Babe?

Are you okay?
Hmm?

Did he laugh?

Honey, are you al...
Are you all right?

I'm fine.

That was the funniest thing.

Knock, knock, knock.

Hey, Pen, you still feeling bad?

Well, I've got something
that is just what the...

Damn it, Pete!

I was gonna say "just what the
doctor ordered," and then you enter.

Pete, what are you doing here?

Penny, I, uh, I just want...

Look, Pen, I felt bad
that you felt bad,

so I found Pete and I told him,

"Don't be upset
over some stupid list.

"In fact, that means
she likes you more."

The greater the guy,
the longer the list.

Hmm?

What is that, Pete?

We finish with the low five.

Give me the list.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Let's go.

Quite a looker.

Not much of a cooker, Pen.

Oh, my gosh.

"Max's faults,
as of November 8, 2001.

"One... meatball
sub consumption

"is bordering on
a medical issue.

"Two... once during sex,

"I heard him whisper,
this is not what I want."

It was a whisper,
but it felt like a shout.

"Three... he has
Bea Arthur's body."

Well, that's...
I mean, that's...

He really does.

And I think we've heard
enough for one day.

I'm gonna let you
take this one home, Pete.

Thanks, Maude.

Penny, I, um,

I'm sorry I freaked out,

but you're just a little weird.

But I like
that you're a little weird.

Aw.

And you're right. My nipples
are a quarter inch too low.

They just are.

Facts are facts.
Yeah.

Did you just say your nerps
are a quarter inch too low?

Show him.

Um...

All right.

Tell me when to stop.

Stop.

Mmm.
Mmm?

There they are.

Whoa. That is not
a quarter inch.

I love 'em.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Thank you.
Mmm.

What? No.

Jimmy dumped Nicole?

Why?

Oh, come on.
That's not fair, Pen.

She is not actually crazy.

She's, like,
crazy, stupid, love crazy,

not like people who loved
"Crazy, Stupid, Love" crazy.

I mean, she's not a psycho.

I don't know.

I have to agree to
disagree with you there.

If that guy is gonna walk
around his apartment naked

for an hour and a half
without realizing at all

that there was
anyone else there?

Pfft! Come on.

That's on him.
Hello, Max.

Aah!

Oh, my God.
You're insane,

and I love it, and I want
to party with you forever.

Yay!