Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 5 - P&P Romance Factory - full transcript

Guys, guess what I found...

My set list from when I did
stand-up in fifth grade.

What is the
deal with these moms who make lunch?

Have you seen this? Have you
heard about this, Kelvin?

I mean, why are you writing
me a note, you silly goose?

I know you love me.
You told me this morning!

And what is the deal
with these juice box straws?

I mean, how hard
does it have to be

to get the facacta thing
in the hole?

It just spills all over ya!

And then I have
a bunch of stuff about, like,



the difference between
little girls and little boys.

You know,
little girls be sharin'.

They be sharin', man.
Little girls be sharin'.

It's funny 'cause it's a list.

Oh, boo. You're not laughing.
What's wrong?

You consto?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just
bummed about work junk.

The car czar and his cronies are this
total boys club, and I can't get in.

Whoa.

Look at the sunny-side ups
on that breakfast platter.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, boys.

What are we doin'?
Looking at some girly pics?

I can get in with that.



Ah, yeah, to think that
she is somebody's daughter.

She was once a baby...

In a nursery.

It is infuriating.

Baby, calm down.

You're forgetting
your sexy secret weapon.

My Jack Nicholson impression.

Hmm?

Lakers.

No. Me!

I'm amazing at guy talk.

Just invite the guys over,
and I'll help you get in.

I'll be your guy guide.

Your guyde.

Yep, already a word.

Realized it as soon as I said it.
Hmm.

Yeah.
Hey, guys.

Hey!
Whazzup!

What question mark, is question
mark, that, question mark?

I just went to see
Dr. Spratt

about my little spill
down the stairs,

and apparently, I still
have a mild concussion,

and I have to wear this
stupid helmet for a month.

You look like a crayon
a fat kid would eat.

Did you valet your kayak or
did you find street parking?

Let's go around the horn!

Yeah, did you, uh...
Oh...

Helmet joke.
I just wanted in.

You know what? I think this
is really good because...

You do hit your head a lot.

Ah!

Going down. Oh!
Oh!

Okay? Ah!

Yeah, I don't remember
any of that.

Maybe because of the concussion.

How did I get here?

Penny.

Penny. Penny.

Pen.

Penny.
Stop.

Stop. It's not funny.

Goal!

Yes! Yes! yes! yes!
All right,

enough with the showboating,
ya tiny hooligan.

It's bad enough we're
getting beat by someone

who's only slightly larger than
the actual foosball players.

I'm sorry.

You had to take her
to a soccer game?

It will never catch on here.

Oh, great.

There's Brody.
I hate that douche.

Oh.
Are you kidding me?

This guy is
a world-class dum-dum.

I think you guys are being
pretty hard on Brody.

He seems like a funny, nice guy,

plus his name has the word
"bro" built right into it.

Yo, D Rose!
What's up, gangsta?

How's it going, Brody?

Just crushin' life, bro.

Congrats. Whoa! Still hanging
out with the nutcracker, huh?

- The nutcracker!
- Classic Brody!

Oh!

Your hand's a turkey, bro.

Wild turkey.

Oh!

What a sick jerk.

I know.

Why can't he understand that
Alex and I have transcended...

Not your crap!
The fist bump!

What?

Afist bump is a sacred contract
between the fists of men.

You don't go playing around,

turning people's hands
into turkeys.

I don't like that guy,
and I want it on record.

We've been over this.
There is no actual record.

Then why are we doing
any of this?

Okay, babe, get ready to
follow me into the boys club.

All guys love college football,

so I'm gonna bring it up,

then you launch into your
tirade about the BCS.

We need
a legitimate playoff system!

Mmm!
Let's do it.

Everybody having a good time?

Great party, Jane.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, except for
these veggie puff things.

You got anything with some...
Animal in it?

You know, something that
used to have a mom?

Speaking of moms...

I see a lot of college football
fans around here, huh?

Man, do I approve of the BCS!

No! We need a legitimate
playoff system! Huh!

I'm not a fan
of college, uh, football.

Hey! Oh!

I love this candle, Jane!

Oh! Where did you
get this?

Well, actually, I made it in my
candle studio/ our laundry room.

Really?

Yeah. Would you show
me how you do it?

Uh-oh!
You did it now, Brad.

You found her hobby...

Making bad versions of things that you
could just easily buy in a store.

But, by all means, show her
how you make that thing.

Yeah.
Show me how you make it.

Show me.
Show me, show me, show me!

Don't leave me.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me.
Unh!

So...

You and the guys wanna
go check out some porno?

Get some eyes on some thighs?

Some peepers on some creepers?

Some rods and cones on some...

Bras and thongs?

No.

This helmet thing
isn't that bad.

I mean, we just
need to cute it up, right?

Here. Take that off. Try this one.

Eh? Come on,
it's pink.

All right.

This is so stupid.

What?
I think it's cute.

Oh! So sorry. Sorry.
Oh.

Oh, no.
Don't worry about it.

Actually, I read somewhere
that wearing a helmet

reduces your
peripheral vision by 40%.

Really?
No, I can't read.

I'm, uh, I'm Pete.

Oh. Penny. Hello.
Penny.

Helmet shopping, I see.
Well...

I'm, uh, I'm looking
for a lock myself.

There's a hobo
in my neighborhood

who keeps trying
to steal my bike.

Nice use
of the word "hobo."

Makes him seem
more quaint, right?

A "quaint"?

Isn't that the space between a
gal's goal and her penalty box?

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna be kinda forward here.

Do you wanna get a coffee
with me sometime?

I would love to.
I'd love to.

But you know what? I've got
so much going on. So slammed.

No, it's okay.
It's totally okay.

Can't, uh,
can't blame a guy for trying.

All right.
Okay.

Are you crazy? He's beautiful.
I know.

He's so cyah.
So cyah.

So cyah.

I can't go on a date
wearing this.

Come on. He could be your soul
mate, your kindred spirit,

your One Tree Hill.

That's not the saying,
but you're right.

I cannot let this thing
hold me back.

I have helmet.

Helmet doesn't have me.
That's right.

Hey, Pete?
Hmm?

Um, I'm actually
in for that coffee.

Great!
What changed your mind?

Uh, just some advice
from a friend.

She's very wise.

This one's top-notch.
Barely felt that.

Ah, she's a gem.

Four sandos and counting.

What's with the big appetite,
hungry puppy?

I'm carbo-fueling
my rage for Brody.

Come on, man.
It was just a fist bump.

It was...
Not just a fist bump!

I'm sensitive, okay?

This is not the first time
I've been handshake-betrayed.

It was the fifth damn grade.

Jimmy Nichols offered me
a high-fiver.

I accepted.

Why not?
It would be rude not to.

Then he offered me one down low.

Took that as well.

Bam!

Pulled that "too slow" crap

just like the cheatin'
half-italian bastard that he was.

School would no longer be

a safe place
for me to shake hands.

Dave?

Down low, too slow.

David?

All that pain...

What's happening?

It's my fault.

I invented
"Down low, too slow."

What?

I did this to you.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry.
Dave!

I'm sorry!
What are you talk...

What about your truck?

What are you talking about,
Candice?

You'd look great with bangs.

May I? Watch.

Look at that. See?

All right.

So then Denise comes back
from the garden center

with another fountain.
Oh!

That makes three.

Oh! Hey, hey, hey!
I'm feeling you, guy.

If shopping
were an Olympic sport,

my wife would be...

A fat bitch.

Oh!

How you doin'?

You guys think
your wives are bad?

Brad is so spoiled,

he can't sing Louie, Louie

without adding the words
"vuitton, vuitton."

Who knew?
Ha ha! Kerkovich!

Gettin' loose
with the spousal abuse!

Mmm.
Wow!

Hey, let me ask you something.

Is there a 10-inch whore here?

'Cause that was a low blow!

Oh!

Give me that, dum-dum.

That's for you.

Oh.

Hi!

Wow! Well.

Listen, I know we talked
about coffee,

but I thought we could do
something a little different,

so I booked us on a segway tour.

What?

Wow. Um...

Thoughts? Comments?
Concerns?

Uh, okay.
We could do that.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I mean, it's gonna be awesome.

I know it's lame that they make
us wear these stupid helmets.

I was all,
"Um, I think we're cool.

"We're not gonna, like, accidentally
bang our heads on stuff."

And the segway guy was all,

"The president of our company actually
died tragically on one of these."

And I was all,
"I'm sorry for your loss."

Okay, well, uh, let's segway.

Let's segway!
Let's segway.

Okay, the tour company is
around the corner. Okay.

Follow me, sir.
Yeah.

But it's very intuitive.

It's kind of an art,
is what I'm...

Oh. Look out. jeez.

Penny, you okay?
Yeah, I'm good.

Honestly, this could not be
easier to do, in a weird way.

That's it, Penny.

Try leaning another way.
Okay.

Then try...

You're dragging a chair.
I think... I know.

Just, just...
Yeah, no, I'm...

Hiya! That's it.
You got that.

Yeah!

Oh.
Great party, Jane.

And thanks for the scotch.

That was the second-best
18-year-old I've had all week.

Oh!

He's just playing.

Yes, he is.
Yeah. Yeah.

Playing with breasts that aren't
attached to someone I hate.

What?

Oh!
Oh!

Uh!
Ah!

Ah!

His humor
makes me uncomfortable.

They're fine.

Baby, I am so sorry I left
you hanging with the guys.

I got caught up with the wives,
and they would not let me go.

It all worked out.

I got to shoot the bull
with the boys club all night.

And they invited me

to watch a game
with them after work!

Oh, that's great!
I got invited out, too.

The gals want me to go
to their spinning class

and then have salads afterwards.

Look at us...

Me in the boys club,

you hangin'
with the trophy wives.

Yeah!

Hold up.

Are you calling me
a trophy wife?

W...

'Cause that's awesome!

Yeah! Unh!

Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm! Mmm!

Oh, you did it.

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Unh!
You did it. Unh!

Yes! Yes!
How are we doing, Brad?

Great!
Yeah!

Ha-ha! Ah!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Yeah!

Hey!
Yeah!

You just got car czared!

Oh! That was the best ever!

So... How are things
going with Pete?

Not great.

I mean, I really like him

and I even gave us
our own couple name.

"P&P Romance Factory."

But I do think he's getting
a little weirded out

that I only wanna go on dates
where we wear helmets.

Yesterday, we took a
moped safety course.

Well, I'm glad you came to me

because I...
You're welcome...

Took it upon myself
to fix your problem.

Hey, guys.

Have you seen Dave?

He ran out of the truck
yesterday, acting really weird,

and he's been...

You can still tell I'm
wearing a helmet, can't you?

Al, I don't think
this is gonna work.

Really?
I think they're great.

I don't know what
the two of you are up to.

I think it's amazing.
I want no part of it.

I need to go find Dave. So make
yourself useful and help me!

Oh, no. This is bad.
He's into the sangria.

What do you want?

Good God, man!

That is the worst sangria
mouth I've ever seen

on a non-Spaniard.

All the pain you suffered
from "Down low, too slow..."

It's my fault.

Oh.
Dave...

I don't think
that you created...

I was 10 years old.
I high-fived Becky Lutz.

Then I offered her
one lower down.

"Down low," we called it.

She swung for my hand,
and I pulled it away,

and then the rhyme
spilled from my lips...

Like poison.

"Too slow."

Becky died that summer...

Whoa! Unexpected turn.

My girl -style.

Bees.

You know when you're young

and you get something in your
head and no one corrects you,

but you keep believing it
even though it's crazy? Yeah.

Till I was 13, I used to
think "Imno" was one letter.

You're an idiot.

I'm an idiot?

What comes after Tuesday?
Wed-nes-day.

I'm sorry. I didn't...
Wed-nes-day.

Who knows how many lives
I've ruined,

how many dreams I've burgled?

Maybe we
should just tell him. I know.

I gotta make this right.

I'm gonna use my knowledge
of handshake trickery

and teach you a countermove
to the turkey fist bump.

You can take Brody down.

This may be

the single dumbest thing

that I have ever
been associated with,

and I love it and I'm in.

Mmm, mmm.

Ah.

Ugh. Good God.

I like that.
Yeah.

Hey, boo!

Hey, babe.
I made that salad you like.

Burrata, tomatoes,

and balsamic so old it's a
burden on its children.

Aw!

You're sweet.

Hey, you got yours
trained well, huh?

If only I could train him

to not spend so much money on
gossip magazines. Am I right?

Yeah, these guys...

Oh, boy.
What was that?

What?

Uh, you junk-talking me
in front of your coworkers.

No. We always talk
about our wives.

That's how I bonded
with these guys.

Ted always talks
about how dumb Sheila is.

Keith talks about
Wanda's surgery addiction.

She looks like
a Tom Petty Halloween mask.

Hey! Wanda is a lovely,
inspiring person.

Whoa, babe!
You seem crabby.

Why don't you...

Go run along to the store,

get yourself something nice?

Oh, you did
not just say that to me!

Well...
Pete and I are done.

What happened?

Well, I planned us
this impromptu picnic.

I couldn't do a normal picnic
because of...

Needless to say,
it did-a not-a go-a well-a.

Okay.

Careful.

You know what's crazy?

Because of the helmet,
we never had sex.

So instead, we just got
to know each other,

and it was so great.

This helmet wasn't just
protecting my head.

It was protecting my heart.

Is that a quote from Iron man 2?

This sucks, though.
I really liked him, Al.

So tell him the truth, okay?
Honesty is the best policy.

You know what? You're right.
I am gonna call Pete.

I'm gonna invite him over,

and I'm gonna
answer the door proudly

in my flesh-colored
prescription helmet.

Hi.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for inviting me.

Aw. Oh.

Ooh.

Ah! Oh!

Welcome to my home.

And this comes with the
rainbow package, so...

Ah!
You would not believe!

Zero parking
at the country club!

And she was all,
"That's not your ottoman!"

And I was all, "Dressing
on the side, bitch!"

And Dante has a boat.
You need to fix this right now.

What?

One second. Just one...

What?

What the hell are you doing?

You want a trophy wife?
You got one.

Ah! And I crashed my car!

So I need a new one.
I want this one.

But it has to have a special little
piggy airbag for my new BFF...

Carnitas.

What?

What?

What?

There he is.

Now remember, let him make
the first move, then react.

Fist bumps are a dance, man.
A dance!

Hey, Maximils!
How's it goin'?

How's it goin', D Rose?

What's up,
almost Mrs. D Rose?

Ha-ha-ha.

Good one, Brody.

Oh!

Your hand's a turkey.

Well, too bad it's Thanksgiving!

Mmm!

Thanksgiving, huh?

What's Thanksgiving
without the mashed potatoes?

Yeah.

I'll kill you!
No!

Whoa!

No. Max! Max!

Sorry, Brody.

Max is just a little sensitive
about handshake stuff

because someone did the whole
"Down low, too slow" thing to him

when he was a kid.

I had no idea.
Sorry, Broseph.

No hard feelings, right?

All right.

Squid away.

Squid away.

Oh, yeah.

I'll kill you!
No! Ah!

Thank you for inviting me over.

It's a lot easier to talk to you

when I'm not trying
to rollerblade

or play the jai alai.

I'm glad you're here, too.

Ooh. Okay.

Oh.

Ooh.

Quilted.

Boink, boink.

Ooh. Soft, huh?
Yeah.

Okay.
That's nice. Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.

Mmm, mmm. Ooh. Ooh.
Yeah.

Mmm?
Ooh!

Ooh! That is the stuff.

Yeah, mama likes that.
Mmm.

Okay. Okay.

Um...

I don't know what's going on.

You're acting like a weirdo,

so I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.

Look, it's because
I am a weirdo.

I hit my head a lot...

Like a cartoon coyote a lot...

And that's why I have to
wear a helmet for a month.

And I've been covering it up
because I...

I really like you.

But... If you wanna go,
I understand.

Every queen...

Needs her crown.

Aw!

Calm down, was all that was.

Yeah. Calm down.

Yeah. Aw.

What?

Oh, you know I will, girl!

Girl, I will cut your face off!

But not really.

I cannot believe you would
embarrass me like that

in front of my coworkers.

Why not?
You did it to me.

Oh, come on.

Like you never
talked smack about me

to your I-banking buddies?

No. Never.

'Cause we're a team, and you
don't do that to your partner.

We are a team, aren't we?

Yes.

I'm so sorry.

I just, I wanted to be part of
the boys club so bad that I...

I got carried away, and I...

I messed up.

It's okay.

Aw, boo bear.

Brad, you're still here, huh?

Figured you'd be at a, uh,
hotel patio bar by now,

boobs-deep
in a red velvet margarita,

talking to
your girlfriends about

Cartier friendship bracelets
and panty lines.

Nah, you crossed the line!
It's about to... No. Okay.

I got this.

I'm done talking smack
about my partner.

Okay? And I don't need
your stupid boys club.

So if you have a problem
with that,

I suggest you take
that hood ornament

and do something really painful

with it.

No one ever speaks
to the car czar like that.

Ever.

But I like it.

Wait. No, I don't.

Why would I like that?
No boss would like that.

But you are my top salesperson,

so, uh, what am I gonna do?

Later, Brad.

So...
It worked out.

Yeah.

Well, except, uh, real talk?

This little piggy is gonna be 60
pounds in, like, three weeks.

Yeah.

I bought him in anger.
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I was rash.
Yeah.

I don't know what to do.
I know.

I mean, we could give him away,
but here's another wrinkle...

I've grown to love him. Mmm! Oh!

Mmm!

You love him, I love him.

I can't hear you.

No, I know.
It's 'cause...

Sing, baby!

♪ Ah ♪

Sing!