Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 4 - More Like Stanksgiving - full transcript

- Hi!
- See 'em and weep.

Six front row tickets

to the Rock Bottom Remainders
concert.

Ha ha! What is that?

Only the most popular
rock band in the world,

made up entirely
of best-selling authors.

We have master of suspense
Stephen King,

voice of an Asian generation,
Amy Tan,

beloved humorist, Dave Barry!

Who's in?

Um.
Ahem.



You see, the thing is...

What day was that?

Well, in less confusing news,

Dave and I wanna have everyone
over for Thanksgiving this year.

I mean, unless you've already
started prepping, Jane.

I've already started
prepping Thanksgiving

two full weeks ahead of time.

Right.

Don't worry.
I am not making you look fat.

Perfect. Then it's settled.

Although this time of year

is always a little bittersweet
for me.

There it is.

Thanksgiving is a real reminder
of my people's hardships.



As an American living
with 1/16th Navajo-ism,

I'm gonna use this
as an opportunity

to educate-- perhaps enlighten
all you white people--

and throw
an authentic Thanksgiving.

White people?

You guys wouldn't understand.

None of your ancestors were
at the first Thanksgiving.

Okay, neither were the Navajo.

- One of our many snubs.
- Yeah.

Oh! Fun factoid. At the time
of the first Thanksgiving,

our Serbian ancestors

were having a Thanksgiving
of their own.

They were thanking God
for sparing them from the wolves

while giving each other
the plague.

That fact wasn't fun, was it?

Oh, you'll get 'em
next time, kiddo.

She will not.

I'm so excited about this.

For our first dinner party
at our new place,

I feel so sophisticated.
Plus, look,

I can make the turkey dance.
Unh, unh, unh, unh.

He's popping and locking.
Splits!

Where are those clams
that I put on the shopping list?

Oh, I thought that was
a mistake.

Why would you want clams
on Thanksgiving?

I just assumed
you meant clamps.

Why would I want clamps
on Thanksgiving?

I don't know!
For clampin' stuff!

See? Look.

Don't need to worry about that.

It's all clamped up.

Al, Quahog clams were
a featured dish

in the first Thanksgiving.

I guess I gotta go get some now
to prove to you guys

how much better
an authentic Thanksgiving is.

Oh, Dave, come on. I respect
your cultural traditions.

That's why... I made...
Navajo-Ho-Hos.

Tepees, Al? The Navajo
did not live in tepee.

I am deeply offended by this.

They're here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

- Gobble, gobble!
- Turkey time!

I brought you some wine.

Ooh, just like Sideways.

Thanks for having us, Al.

Welcome, welcome!

Just as I thought.

Dry, unbrined, overseasoned.

And she's clearly been
making it dance.

Mm.

Wrap it in a rug.
Throw it in the river.

Right.

Hey, you guys, I brought
something awesome.

You guys remember
how Brad and I met--

on Real World, Sacramento.

- Uh-huh.
- Of course.

Totally normal.

And how they couldn't
air that season

because one of the roommates
burned down

the converted firehouse
we were living in?

- Uh-huh.
- Of course.

To the ground.

Well, they finally sent me
the DVDs,

so we get to watch it,
including the episode

where you guys all came
to visit.

- Oh, my God!
- Aah!

Oh, man! That was so long ago.

That was before Dave and I
started dating.

That's where you met Brad.

- Mm. - And where I had
berries for the first time.

Overrated!

Okay, this is not about you.

This is about me
and my emotional journey.

This is me coming out.

If that season had aired,

I would have been the first
openly gay person on television.

Except for Ellen, Rosie,
all the Queer Eye guys.

- Oh, and Norman Korpi from
The Real World season one. - Deep cut.

- I'm a fan.
- Mm.

But you guys will see
when we watch this

that I am a hero.

Isn't it odd
how our six-some

was basically forged
on The Real World,

and yet we never talk about it?

Classic Penny overthink.

Come help me set the table,
you brainy bitch.

Okay.

Baa ahééwiindzin bijí.

- Happy day of thankfulness.
- Oh, shut up.

Excuse me, sir. We were headed
to the Thanksgiving day parade

when our car ran out of gas
about a mile away.

Could we borrow a few dollars
for gas?

The irony. You see,
it's the custom of my people

to help strangers in need.

And this,
on the day of Thanksgiving.

You know what?
I'm gonna hit the ATM.

- Nice guy.
- Total sweetheart.

♪ Helping the strangers ♪

♪ Thanksgiving day ♪

♪ more like Thanksgiving Dave ♪

♪ heart of an eagle ♪

Oh! Oh, I see you've moved
from an outside-my-car

to a more inside-my-car
situation.

See you later, buddy!

No! No!
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

David!
Trust your instincts, David.

- Okay, so Brad can sit on
the exercise ball. - Mm-hmm.

And Max can have
the camping chair,

and then you'll be here.

In that sex swing?

Ew! No! This is
an ergonomic work hammock.

You see how easy?

No carpal tunnel
for this productive gal.

That's a sex swing.

The guy at the flea market
clearly said

- that it was for taking care of business.
- I hope they cleaned it.

Doesn't Dave have
a dining room table

and standard, non-marital-aid
chairs in storage?

Yeah, but he hasn't really
moved all his stuff in yet.

After four weeks?
That's weird.

Really?

I guess it is. Should I be
reading something into it?

What? What? No.

No, don't read anything
into anything.

Reading's stupid. TV rules!
Excuse me.

Max!

Is it bad I told Alex
I think it's weird

Dave hasn't moved
his stuff in yet?

Not unless you still
have feelings for Dave,

and you're mad at Alex
'cause she lives with him now

and you're subconsciously
trying to sabotage them.

But you aren't doing
anything like that.

I don't know.

I mean, I have always been
a bit of a saboteur.

But I wouldn't do that to Alex.

Would I? No, I would--
I'm not doing that.

Sounds like you got
everything worked out.

- I don't.
- Okay, everybody, gather 'round.

Ooh, what are we watching?
Are we watching something?

- I love watching stuff.
- It's our Real World.

Oh!

That was never supposed to see
the light of day.

Plus who really wants
to live in the past, you know?

It's like...
pre-Newtonian physics?

No, thank you, sir.
Not this gravity buff.

I'll stay tethered to the earth,
thank you very much.

Oh, come on, Brad. It'll be fun
to see us back then.

Plus TV rules, right, Penny?

Huh? Yes! Love it. TV rules,
and I always say that.

Is that a bit
you guys are doing?

Don't worry about it.

I know why Brad's so nervous.
Max, was there a bathroom cam?

'Cause this one can't go
pee in the morning...

until he does
his little Wiener greeting.

"Good mornin', Mr. Brad!

"Oh, 'ello, good morning,
Mr. Wiener.

Where we aimin' at
this mornin', Mr. Brad?"

- Well, I need to see...
- Mr. Brad.

Here we go! So exciting!

Whoo!

This is the true story...

True story!

Of seven strangers.

Oh, Mr. Cool guy.

Picked to live in a house...

And have their lives taped...

Look at those dreads!

Lord, have mercy!

To find out what happens...

When people
stop being polite...

I remember Jared.
He was so cute.

- Ohh.
- Yeah.

- I liked his butt-chin.
- Mm-hmm.

And start getting real.

The Real World, Sacramento!

Okay, boring, boring, boring.

There's Jill telling us about her
early onset menopause.

Boring, boring, boring.

There's the girl
that burned down the house.

- Keep going.
- Boring, boring, boring-- oh, there's me!

Today's the day my friends
are coming to visit,

and I'm super excited,

especially 'cause my girlfriend
Penny is coming,

and we have
a very sexual relationship.

We are like two rabbits...
just...

doing it all the time.

There's so much... sex
and, uh...

It's all hetero.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so excited for you guys
to meet my friends.

- They're super chill.
- Aah!

Come on!

This place is insane!

Mmm! Mwah!

- Oh, my God. I belong on camera.
- Not that hair, though.

Talk about hair.
Look at Jane Stefani and Dave.

I mean, he looks like
an extra in Singles.

What... the fish?
Free haircuts?

Traffic light inside?
They're usually outside.

It's so clever.

Oh, Boo, this is when
we first connected.

Oh, look what time it is.

Hot tub 30!

Ooh! That sounds so fun!

But the tub can clearly only
seat six people safely,

maybe seven if we do
that weird thing

where someone sits
in the middle.

So I will make
a sign-up sheet,

right? And we can all
take turns.

Whoo! Sacramento!

Sign-up sheet!

Dude, what is
that girl's deal, man?

She's so controlling.

She should make a sign-up sheet
for who should stop talking

and put herself
on top of the list.

Uhh!

Ugh! These shows!

They really edit stuff
to make you seem like a jerk

when you really just love
your wife so much.

I cannot stand that Jane chick.

Kerkovich?
More like Kerko-bitch.

Uhh.

Ahh!

It's crazy, like, how they edit
that stuff, right?

It's like, how did they
make me say that?

I didn't even say that.
It's like,

what did they do? Do they, have,
like, computers up in my mouth

and just, like...

Good morning, Mr. Wiener!

Remember that?

So...

Kerko-bitch, huh?

Jane, that can't be the first
time you've heard that, is it?

It is the first time
you've heard that.

So don't mention anything
about the fact

that in my head just now
I came up with "jerk-ovich."

Not the time or place.

Will someone please get me
out of this cadence, 'cause--

I am not controlling!

I'll prove it.
You know what, Alex?

Let's make potatoes together.

We can make them
any way you want--

either the good way
or your way.

We can make my famous
bad potatoes this year?

Jane, come on.
That was years ago.

I was a moron, remember?

I was using body lotion
on my face.

Yeah, why don't we all take
a fiver,

and then we'll get back
into it.

All right, here are your Quahogs.

- Great.
- One detail.

I don't have
any traditional money.

Well, no clams then.

Come on, man.
Here's the dealio.

Some pilgrims
stole my car and phone,

so I can't call my friends

because I don't know
any of their numbers.

I called the cops,

but apparently they won't
take you to get clams

because they "aren't
a taxi service for idiots."

So I was hoping
that you and I could have

a little barter situation
here vis-a-vis... a trade.

This is a real store.

If I don't show up
with a sack of clams,

I'm gonna look like
a real dope.

I do like that jacket.

This jacket for some clams?

I mean, this thing is choice,

plus it's 30 degrees outside.

You're trying to trick me
into a very uneven trade.

- The story of my people.
- White people?

You who focus
on 15/16ths of a man.

Tell you what.

The clams...

plus this blanket.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Fine.

Joke's on you.

All my friends
hate that jacket.

Oh, no. Does this have
cat hair on it?

Kiss her, kiss her!
Body shots!

Body shots!

We do so
much-- yeah, we do so much of that.

I thought you were coming
out in this, buddy.

Hey, Al.

Remember how I said it's wierd
that Dave hasn't moved in yet?

I was being
a real dumb-dumb,

because it is the opposite
of weird.

It's actually totally normal.

Dave took forever to move in
with Max, too, remember?

Yeah, 'cause he genuinely
didn't wanna move in

and was totally conflicted.

Mm. Mm, mm. Mm. Exactly,

which is why he'd never
do it again, you know,

and that's just standard Dave.

Never feeling
the same way twice, you know?

Anyways, you guys
are solid as a rock,

and your love seems eternal.
Bye-eee!

Eee!
I think I made it worse.

Penny, stop it.

You are not sabotaging
anything.

There's no way Alex knows
that you may or may not

have had feelings for Dave.

It's just a figment of
your little, tiny girl brain.

You know what? You're right.
You're right.

I don't know why I've been
freaking out for nothing.

Thank you.

My relationship with Max
is awesome.

Sometimes we just talk
all night

and forget to have sex.

What if you weren't with Max?

If I weren't with Max?
I don't know.

What about Dave?
You like Dave?

Dave?

No, Dave is--
what? Dave is Dave.

I mean, he's cute.
He's pretty great.

But why? Did he say
something about me?

Oh, my God.

Awkward alert.

What? You had feelings
for Dave?

What? No, Al. That's--
that's all...

That's editors there,
and I wouldn't-- I-I--

Hey!
Remember Brad's British Wiener?

Those were 'appy times!

Whee! Look at me!

Whee!

So... okay,
here's the thing.

About what I said
about Dave--

Okay, you know what?
Just stop, Penny.

All right?
I'm starting to get it now.

You had feelings for Dave,
and you know what?

Maybe you still do.

So you said all that stuff
about him not moving in.

No. What I said
on The Real World was nothing,

and it was 2002.
It was such a crazy time.

We were all still reeling
from the events

surrounding
the film Vanilla Sky.

I mean, what is reality?

I am... so... tired

of people using Vanilla Sky to
defend everything!

And I get that.
And I get that.

My Rock Bottom
Remainders tickets.

I can sell these... for money.

Mmm!

Thank you, rockin' scribes.

Six tickets
to Rock Bottom Remainders!

Six tickets
to Rock Bottom Remainders!

Hey, I love RBR.
How much?

200 bucks.

All right, man,
you got a deal. That's great.

Yeah? All right.

Oh, you don't understand
what kind of day I've had.

See, I'm 1/16th Navajo--

sir, you're under arrest
for scalping.

Scalping? Scalping?

Oh, come on, man.
Why would you do this

to a fellow Rock Bottom Remain-dude?

What are you doing
looking for scalpers anyway?

We're nowhere near
a concert venue.

No, but we are
outside a police station.

Scalping?
The pilgrims drove me to it!

Well, we've had
an emotional day,

but it's about to get worth it,

because I am about to say
"I'm gay" on TV,

and it's the first time
anybody has ever done that.

Watch, watch, watch,
watch, watch.

Dude, I got something
crazy to tell you.

It's really important.

- What's that now?
- "I'm Greg"?

I said, "I'm gay." I'm a hero!

You're definitely a hero
to all the Gregs out there.

First openly Greg person
on television.

They're letting Gregs
in the military now.

Oh, look, there I am.

So young. So naive.

So unaware of what my future
husband was saying about me.

It was a first impression.

Mm, mm, you know what
my first impression was?

Here's the man I wanna spend
the rest of my life with

and no one else.

Jared!

Jared!

Jared?

Ready for some boom-boom?

Boom-boom?!

Welp, I think Brad's
embarrassed himself

enough for today.

Jared!

Jared. Oh.

Oh. Hey.

Oh. Hey, sir.

Hey, you.

Mmm! Yumbers.

Where are you going?

Jared.

Jared, hmm?

You were gonna hook up
with booty-chin Jared?

He had a booty on his chin!

Ehh.

Ehh. What is that?
So? So what?

I was just some big mistake?

Guess a lot of people are
learning stuff about people

based on stuff
that they've heard in the past.

Or should I say, "the stuff
is out of the stuff bag"?

- Al, I'm sorry.
- Guys, come on.

You're being really insensitive
to what I'm going through

right now ten years ago.

Guys, listen,
Penny thinks it's weird

that Dave hasn't
moved his stuff in.

Is that really so weird?

Yes!

Oh.

I, uh, didn't realize
you all felt that way.

Guess it is a little weird.

Well, let's just see
what Dave has to say about it.

Dave?

David.

Dave?

Has Dave not been here
this whole time?

I could have sworn he just
handed me this beer.

Aah! Clams!

Dave, are you okay, man?

Ay! Gosh.

Dude, did you just give me this
beer, like, five minutes ago?

Dude, you just sneezed
right in my mouth.

I need
some hand sani for my face.

And then they got my car back.

Oh!
Great.

But then they confiscated
my RBR tickets.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, yeah!

- That's terrible.
- Tough week.

But it wasn't all bad.

I mean, I wanted
an authentic Thanksgiving,

and I got so much more.

I experienced the entire plight
of the Native American people

in just one day.

Oh, no, you didn't.

That is wildly insensitive.

And 'cause of my hardships,
I feel as though

I've earned the right
to bestow upon myself

- my own Indian name.
- Oh.

So henceforth, I will be known
as Has Ordeals With Clams.

I don't like it.

Now is that
a legal name change,

or this like the time you
wanted us to call you Lindsey?

It's so much bigger than that.

Oh, excuse me, Linds.

Pen.

I overreacted. I know
you were just asking me

a normal question
about Dave moving in,

and I'm sorry.

Look, I would never
try to hurt your relationship,

and our friendship is
the most important thing to me.

- Yeah.
- And I am so happy that you're happy.

And me and Dave?

That would be...
crah-zah!

Crazy. I should
have just said "crazy."

I'm the one who's acting crazy.

It's-- it's just that...

I hadn't eaten in, like,
20 minutes.

- There we go.
- I think that was it.

Your blood sugar--
you've gotta stay on top of it.

So... pretty crazy Dave story,
huh?

Probably the most surprising
event or piece of information

that's come to light today.

I just can't believe
I was only an accident.

Well, you know,
I-I was doing some research,

and you know what else
was an accident

but then turned out
to be amazing?

The slinky.

Nuh-unh.

And corn flakes.

- And Play-Doh.
- I love the way that smells

but not the way it tastes.

And Penicillin.

I needed so much
of that in college.

Oh! I love
all that stuff!

And the accident of us kissing

didn't turn out to just
be something great,

but it-- it was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And every moment after that
was no accident.

Aw. Babe.

Mm.

Dave, I gotta ask you
a question,

and I want you to be
totally honest with me.

Why haven't you moved
your stuff in yet?

What? I told you.
I'm moving in this weekend.

That's the earliest
I could get movers.

Don't tell me you were
eyes-open napping again.

Hey, movers are coming with
my stuff on Saturday, okay?

I do do that.
It's weird, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I've prepared the clams
in the traditional manner,

then I sampled them

and subsequently
disposed of them.

You're welcome.

But this turkey--
oh, my God. It is delish.

I guess I really outdid myself.

Yeah, you did, Al.
To the Kerko-bitch sisters.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Happy Thanksgiving!
- Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

'Ello!

Where are my porridge
and my turkey leg?

Dude, I don't know
what to tell you.

- That's not my dish.
- That is your dish.

- No, it's not!
- Yes, it-- I'm not washing that dish.

I don't care what you do,
Wyclef!

Dude, don't-- don't--
don't start with me, dude.

- What? What do you mean? - I-I-I just
found out your name wasn't Maps.

- I thought it was Maps this whole time.
- Wh-wh--

Why would it be Maps?

Who names themself
after a thing?

You don't wanna
make me angry, dude,

'cause when I get angry,
I get naked,

and when I get naked,
I fight. Bottom line.

- Now I--
- Do you wanna go?

No, I don't wanna
fight you naked.

- You're making it real weird right now.
- I'm making it real weird?

- All right, busta bust.
- Don't call me that.

Why don't you throw your hands
where my eyes can see,

which would be in the sink,
doing my dishes?

You think I'm supposed to do
your dishes 'cause I'm black

and I have dreads?

No, you're supposed to do
my dishes because you're black,

- have dreads, and clearly--
- Ha! You just said they were your dishes!

You said they were your dishes.

- You said they were your dishes.
- You got me.

- They're your dishes. - You got me. They
are my dishes. They are my dishes.

Bro, I got you.
I knew it!

It's all right, dude.
You don't have to clean it up.

- Make someone else clean it up.
- Yeah. Screw them, man.