Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 3 - Boys II Menorah - full transcript
Max enthusiastically brings the gang to one of his crazy gigs, hip-hop style 'hype' DJ at bar Mitzvahs. Only Brad is inspired to dance along, Penny suggest they should DH together, but Max ends up bitterly feeling pushed away. Alex is tormented by a diet and warned by Jane she and Dave must bring variation and spice onto their relationship which is not gross. When Alex try's to do what Jane told her to do she fails straight away.
Ladies and gentlemen,
friends and family,
pity invitees--
are you ready to get
your Bar Mitzvah on?
Well, then please join me
in welcoming to the stage--
he entered a boy
but will be leaving a...
"Entered a boy"
doesn't sound great.
He came in a--
still not great.
Let's just welcome to the stage
Mr. Benjamin Feldman!
So Max is
a Bar Mitzvah emcee now?
I think they prefer to be called
Bar Mitzvah hype guys.
I believe it's pronounced
chype guys.
I did not know
that this was a job.
Well, Max leads the league
- in having jobs you didn't
know were jobs. - Mm.
Remember when he was
a salad bar back?
Yeah, that was right before
he was a funeral seat filler.
Oh, Kevin.
Oh, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
Oh, Devin!
Devin, Devin, Devin.
Oh, Max is bad
at most things he does.
I can't believe I gifted him
with my virginity.
- Oh. - You know, he's actually
pretty great out there.
Okay, everybody,
ready for the dreidel spin!
- Yeah!
- Okay.
Yes and yes and yes and yes.
Guys, this food is so good.
From now on,
Alex is keeping it kosh!
Al, what are you doing?
Max said we could only come
as long as we didn't eat
anything, talk to anyone,
or flirt with the cute rabbi
who drives a Ferrari
and chants like a Jewish angel.
You have done
all of those things.
He drives a 'rari
and sings like a damn angel.
Plus, I have always wanted
to marry a Jewish guy.
They're just, like, so cool,
with their leather jackets
and their jeans
and their ability
to turn jukeboxes on and off
just by punching them.
Okay, I'm just describing
the Fonz.
You know, I always thought
I'd end up with a Jewish guy
until I met
this chocolate anaconda.
- Ay! Oh.
- Me?
I think Brad's out there.
Oh! Whoa! Oh! Whoa! Oh!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- You know, those two are pretty good
together. - Speaking of good together,
you know what would be great
with this blintz? Bacon.
Al, if you're keeping it kosh,
you can't have bacon.
Even on my cheat days?
There are no cheat days.
- Ham?
- Still no.
Okay. I think I know the answer,
but what about bacon bits?
It says "bacon" in the name.
You have an eating disorder.
Can I still stay friends
with my pig friends?
Yes, of course.
Of course.
Pig friends?
You and Dave should
come out with us tonight.
Brad got tickets to one
of those hologram concerts.
Hologram Graham Nash is opening
for Hologram Hall & Oates.
Well, actually,
it's hologram hall,
but real-live Oates.
Uh, we'd love to, but we
kinda got a lot going on.
Yeah.
I can see that.
As a matter of fact,
Dave and I have a pretty juicy
date night planned.
Ooh!
Yeah, my fruit guy Farique
hooked us up
with some next-level dates,
so we're gonna stay inside
and house those bad boys.
Well, gotta go dump out.
Ha ha!
Yes!
So...
Seems like you and Dave are
getting comfortable again
pretty quick.
What's wrong with that?
Pumpkin, I just don't want
things to end up
the way they did last time
for you two.
I'm worried you're falling back
into old patterns.
I mean, you gotta mix it up
a little, like Brad and I do.
I'm gonna need to see
your license, registration,
and proof of penis.
This is outrageous.
I'm writing down
your vag number.
It's number one.
Yeah, it is.
Ee! Oh, snap.
It's the real po-po.
- Excuse me, miss.
- Wait. Babe?
- Babe? Babe!
- Miss?
Turns out those cops were
just another couple,
had their own thing going on.
Okay, I appreciate your concern
but Dave and I are fine.
Okay, we've got plenty
of romance in our relationship.
False alarm.
Oh, well.
Something to look forward to.
Oh! Actually, false alarm
on the false alarm.
See ya in 25 to 30.
Yes!
I get it. We're gross.
Yeah.
So you know
that super sweet guy
- I met at the Bar Mitzvah?
- Mm-hmm.
Turns out he wasn't just
a little on the short side
with a hipster mustache.
- He's 13 and actually tall
for his age. - Oh.
I guess 5772 isn't gonna be
the year of Penny, either.
Why is he sending you pictures
of his teeth?
Because he just got
his braces off.
It's like, okay, Eli,
we get that you're fired up,
but act like you've been there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Speaking of Bar Mitzvahs,
how awesome were
Max and I yesterday?
Mmm!
I mean, people were hanging
on our every move.
It was like a scene
out of Magic Mike.
Not that I would know.
Oh, my God.
I just had the best idea.
Buy Magic Mike on BluRay?
No. Well, maybe. But no.
You two should team up
and hype Bar Mitzvahs together.
I don't know.
I mean, I'd have to think
about it because I only
really, really, really, really,
really wanna do it.
Look, Brad, you're a good kid,
but I hype alone.
Max, everyone at the party
was talking about you two.
If you team up, I bet I could
get you a ton of work.
You will be the hottest
mixed race dance crew
since Paula Abdul
and MC Skat Kat.
He was Persian.
Sure.
What the hell?
Max!
You beautiful bastard.
You will not regret it.
But you are gonna have to work.
I'm talking early mornings,
late nights...
- Right.
- On-time afternoons.
- Okay. - You're gonna have to
eat, breathe, dream,
- and sleep...
- Right.
Every single move
that I teach you,
and then--
even then--
I can't be assured
that you're gonna get it.
_
Well, you got it.
It's possible I oversold
how hard this would be.
Yeah.
Oh, and check this out.
I've been working on that
spin move you've been doing.
- Dreidel-- - No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
That's my signature move.
No one does the dreidel spin
except DJ Dikembe Mutombo.
Wait. Why is your name
DJ Dikembe Mutombo?
Because no one doesn't dance
in Mutombo's house.
Not only do I love that,
but it makes me hate
your regular voice
and non-Mutombo persona.
Heh--
It's for his older brother.
The Bar Mitzvah boy's
older brother.
- What?
- Ugh.
Yeah. The minute I said it,
I realized,
the older brother's gonna
wanna see more cleave.
- Um... mnh-mnh.
- Huh?
- Uh...
- Mmm.
- What is that move?
- Ooh. Oh, boy.
Just need the right angle.
It's all about the angle.
Okay, well,
that's a rough angle.
Hey, Al, I got some
pretty sick puzzles here!
If you wanna go with Amish Country,
which is 300 pieces,
or Mount Rushmore, which is...
one piece?
- I bought a place mat.
- Yoo-hoo.
What you doing?
I thought we could
repaint the room.
And if that happens to lead
to us playfully flicking paint
at each other
and then making passionate love
on the floor, then so be it.
How long have you been inhaling
these paint fumes?
Long enough.
Okay.
Just gonna open a window.
I think you should open
your pants window.
Come on! Let's have fun!
Aah!
- Oh, God! It's in my eyes!
- Oh! Aah!
- My lasiks!
- Oh!
My asics!
Wait! Come back!
I also have
the pottery wheel from Ghost!
Ooh.
Maybe I should open a window.
Don't be shy.
Daddy's gotta carbo load.
Enjoy the mashed potato.
Maybe this was a mistake.
What if I can't hype them up?
What if they find out
I'm not Jewish?
Dude, I told them
you were Ethiopian.
And relax. White people love
black people.
Why do you think we've been
wholesale ripping off
your culture for decades?
It's out of love...
and greed.
But mostly love...
of money.
It's go time.
- All right, everybody!
- Okay!
It's time to put down
that challah...
and get ready to holla...
for Boyz II Menorah!
♪ So shy, don't cry ♪
♪ hide it away ♪
♪ like a little wallflower ♪
- ♪ in the shadows of day ♪
- Whoa!
♪ Now I'm all about
stepping out into the light ♪
- You missed.
- ♪ tonight ♪
♪ tonight ♪
Oh! Look at that man move!
This is some good material
for the ol' buzz bank.
You are not like other
married couples I see on TV.
From the gentleman at the bar.
Ooh!
Oh! Hello.
Not him. Him.
Yeah, that makes more sense.
I don't get it.
What is it about me?
I am like Jewish boy crack.
Well, you're a goy
with vaguely semitic looks
who gives off
a real strong vibe
that you know your way around
a Handrew Jackson.
Jane!
You're making me blush!
- Ha! Yeah!
- Ha! Ha! Ha!
Good! Good! Good! Good!
Ah! Ah!
Good!
I got a mashed potato cramp.
- Oy! Oy!
- Ah!
- Yeah!
- Excuse me. Party starter coming through.
- Yeah!
- Whew!
- Whoo!
- Uhh!
Uhh!
Okay, everybody,
it's time for the dreidel spin!
Dreidel spin!
Huh! Huh!
Aah!
Yes!
Betrayal!
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, dude!
Ooh. How are the eyes doing?
Not great.
Not great, but the pain incident
did give me a chance
to dust off me old shades.
Did the doctor
make you wear those?
Um, yeah. Dr. Style.
Okay, well, feast your
plastic-covered eyes on this!
I am whisking you away
for a romantic weekend.
Oh, Al, I'd love to go,
but tomorrow I'm getting
my goatee lined up.
And right now,
I'm in the middle
of responding to a bunch
of nasty reviews on Yelp.
Come on, Dave, okay?
It's gonna be great.
Look, I already packed for you.
Al, all that's in here is
a travel Guess Who?
and a terrifying amount
of condoms.
They're for your penis.
You didn't even pack
any clothes.
Where we're going,
we don't need clothes.
Actually, that's not true.
Where we're going, we're gonna
need a lot of clothes
'cause it's overrun
by Asian tiger mosquitoes.
But we'll be together!
Look, Al, I just think
we should do this
when we can plan it out and take
advantage of travel deals.
Oh! We could go to Florida
and stay with my nana.
There is nothing sexy
about your nana.
Mm. She does all right.
Ugh! Our love is dead!
What's happening?
What's happening is she thinks
you're falling back
into your old patterns,
and that the romance is already
gone from your relationship.
Yeah. What am I gonna do?
Yeow.
Give me a minute to think.
What are those two
talking about?
I don't know. They got their
own thing going on this week.
So let me get this straight.
You want me to hype
a Bar Mitzvah without Max?
Not me. My client,
Former Alderman Larry Umansky.
No big deal.
- Really not.
- In certain circles.
He saw you perform last week
and he flipped.
Only catch is,
he just wants you, not Max.
Ooh.
Boyz II Menorah is a team.
You saw him cramp up
during the hora.
And he was nowhere to be found
when "shout" came on.
No one could get
even the slightest bit louder,
and at no point could anyone
get at all softer.
It was
an even-keeled disaster.
I can't hype without Max.
Fine, but just in case
you change your mind...
8:00, Am Shalom Temple.
Destiny awaits.
Destiny Umansky--
Larry's wife.
She'll be your contact
on all things related
to Jake's rockin' Bar Mitzvah.
Okay, you gotta
do something big.
What is someplace that Alex
has always wanted to visit?
Smurf village.
- Real place.
- Paris.
But honestly,
that is a distant second.
I think I've got it.
We do a whisk-away,
but instead of whisking Alex
to Paris,
we whisk Paris...
to Alex.
We can set up your courtyard
like a Parisian bistro.
I can even make
fake plane tickets
and wear a stewardess outfit.
That sounds amazing,
but why would you wear
a stewardess outfit?
Well, either that
or I'm gonna need to change.
Um...
She's the sexy stewardess,
and I'm the melancholy
frequent flier
whose entire life can fit
in an overhead compartment.
- Ahh!
- Mmm!
Should've called ahead.
I did call ahead, and apparently
it did not make a difference.
Max? Can I talk to you?
Um...
What are you doing?
I'm trying to find a dunkaroo
I dropped under the couch,
and I gotta get it
before the rats do,
because I will not spend
another Thursday
fighting a rat
for what is rightfully mine!
Do you hear me, rat?!
Although you'd probably take
the rat's side, wouldn't you?
Well, depends on the rat.
You stole my move, Brad!
You knew the dreidel spin was
my thing. You did it anyway.
Look, dude,
I'm sorry about the move,
but I had to do something.
You weren't there.
Oh, come on.
Look, if we just take it
more seriously
and we're, like, a little more
professional, I think--
Oh, you're gonna talk to me
about being professional?
Me? The guy who took an online
class in Bar Mitzvah hype?
That I created...
and paid for
with Dave's credit card.
Didn't you fail that?
Those exams
are racially biased!
When I met you,
you were nothin'.
You were out on the street,
doing underpants stuff
for soup money.
I made you.
Well, you know what?
I'm done.
Yeah? Maybe Boyz II Menorah
is done.
Well, maybe it is!
Well, then maybe we have nothing
left to talk about. Shalom!
Wait. Doesn't that also
mean "hello"?
I said shalom, sir!
Hello, Destiny?
I think we have a date tonight.
Oh, no, no. Not a real date.
No, it's Brad.
The Bar Mitzvah guy?
Yeah.
I'm in.
Wow! This is amazing.
I know. I know.
The only thing missing is Alex.
She should've been here by now.
Well, maybe her store
was really busy.
Mm.
Ohh!
- Just imagine it really busy. Just try.
- Ah!
I can't! I can't do it!
Yeah!
Mm, no.
Oh!
- Good times.
- Mm.
Seriously, though,
where the hell is she?
I mean, I sent that invitation
to her store hours ago.
- This is the invite?
- Yeah.
A fake plane ticket
for Love Airlines?
Yeah.
Check out where she's sitting.
Your cockpit.
She's your sister.
- But well done.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow. This looks
shockingly realistic.
Well, I pride myself
on realism.
You don't think
Alex saw this and thought...
No. There's no way
she would actually--
Well, she can be pretty--
Yeah, there was that one time
she ate that--
Well, in her defense,
it did smell like a...
You would think
after one bite...
You know, let's just say
what we're both thinking.
- Alex went to the airport.
- Only an idiot eats a candle.
And the airport thing.
No biggie.
Let's just say someone went
to the airport...
- Mm-hmm.
- ...with a fake plane ticket.
You don't think security
would...
Ow!
Oh, but I'm being whisked away!
On Love Airlines!
Ohh. There it is.
Shoot.
Fine, Jane. I'll admit it.
Taking your car would've
made more sense.
We had to stop for gas twice.
Hey!
You can't park that here!
Keep it.
N-no, you're gonna
have to move it.
- Come on, man. It's for love.
- I don't care!
Come on, man, please!
I'm warning you.
All right, fine.
You know what?
I'll move it. I'll move it.
Fake out!
Wh--
- Stop right there!
- Uhh!
- Don't worry! I will find Alex!
- We got a runner!
Come on, man, that tickles!
That tickles!
Hold it, miss!
Ha ha ha! You fools!
That only makes me stronger!
Aah! Uhh!
Ooh. That one's gonna sting.
Now I got
just one commandment to y'all.
Thou shalt not...
stop dancing!
♪ come here, come here ♪
♪ lay me down, lay me down ♪
Yeah!
You know, I recently
came into a lot of...
savings bonds, and, like me,
they're gonna mature fast.
Oh, yeah?
Fast enough to get me
three kids and a lake view
townhome before I'm 35?
Can you be that for me, Jake?
They get bigger but they don't
get better, Shawna.
Now as y'all know,
a Bar Mitzvah
is a special time--
a time for friends,
a time for family,
and a time for--
Betrayal!
Aah!
Max, what are you doing here?
You think a Bar Mitzvah
gets hyped in this town
without me knowing about it?
I just had to see it
with my own baby blues.
Well, thanks for stopping by,
buddy.
- Now who wants to get
their caricature drawn? - Me!
Ooh! Ooh! I'd like to have
my caricature drawn.
Maybe you could
put a knife in my back.
And I'd be on a skateboard
with a tiny...
tennis racket. Maybe some
golf clubs on my back.
Guys, we're kind of in
the middle of a coming-of-age,
boy-turning-into-a-man
type of thing,
so maybe you could...
- You know what, Penny?
You're right. - Yep.
There is a serious lack of hype
at this Bar Mitzvah.
DJ, hit it!
Ugh.
Oh!
Oh, you want a hype-off?!
Well, I'll give you
a hype-off!
How about I just
kick my hype off?
All right, here we go,
y'all sons of Abraham!
Get your hands up!
Get your hands up!
No, no, no, no!
Get--
get your-- get your hands
down and get your clap on!
Get your clap on!
Get your clap on!
Yo, clap is wack!
Get your hands in the air
if you don't really care!
You should all care!
You should all care!
♪ Now clap your hands
with purpose ♪
♪ like you're totally invested ♪
Isn't this fun?
So many options!
Uh-oh! I hear a Fiddler!
I hear a Fiddler on the roof!
Let's raise that roof!
Raise that roof!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Don't raise the roof!
Don't raise the roof
'cause the roof is on fire!
Don't wanna burn those hands!
I'm sure all the doctors in the
crowd would agree. Am I right?
Oh, ho!
Did I hear someone say...
limbo?
Come on, granny.
Get up here.
Sit your old bones down, nana!
- Hey!
- Give me that!
- Guys? You guys, no, come on, this is
crazy. Please don't! - Stop it!
Penny, tell him to stop!
- Yeah, you freak!
- Gimme! Gimme!
- Aah!
- Uhh!
Give me this.
No way!
I know this seems pretty awful,
but when you consider
all the things
your people have been through,
it's really not that bad.
Eh?
Are we doomed?
I mean, is our relationship
destined to fail?
Actually,
I find it encouraging,
you find this encouraging?
Yeah, I mean, old Dave and Alex
never made any effort
to be romantic at all.
And you and I just
tried so hard,
we shut down O'Hare
for two hours.
Yeah.
You're right.
Old Dave and Alex
are the worst.
- Mm. - We're way better
than those losers.
I'm old Dave.
I never make any effort.
And I'm old Alex.
I constantly wear sweatpants...
and phone it in
- when it's my turn to go downstairs.
- What?
What?
I guess we have
come a long way.
And, you know, one day we will
get our romantic night in Paris.
Well... we might be closer
than you think.
Aw!
Are you crying?
No. I think it's just
the pepper spray.
But also, I am genuinely moved.
Mmm.
Hey. Sorry I ruined
your gig.
Eh. I should have never taken it
behind your back, dude.
I just got so caught up,
you know?
You saw the crowd.
They loved me.
And this is traditionally
a very hard to please people.
Well, I don't care
for the way you phrased that.
I've just never had a job
that made people this happy.
You know? I was
an investment banker, Max.
That's like one step below
Tonight Show bandleader.
But don't worry. I know.
Hyping's your thing.
I'll find my own.
Nah. Turn's out
I'm getting out the game, too.
Not by choice.
Just, what we did in there
is officially considered
a hate crime.
Yeah. I could see that.
Kinda ruined that party
and screwed over Penny.
Nah, Penny's a pro. She'll find
a way to smooth things over.
All right,
so I'm gonna do this,
but after, you have to
tell your parents
this was the best Bar Mitzvah
you have ever been to.
Ready?
What are you doing?
We just wanted
a ride to the mall.
Fair enoof.
Excuse me.
Okay. One sec. One sec.
Hey, yo, kid!
This bar Mitzvah is wack.
I know. What do I do?
I'm glad you asked.
♪ If you wanna make
your Bar or Bat Mitzvah Phat ♪
♪ Boyz II Menorah
is where it's at ♪
♪ so here's a few simple steps
to help with that ♪
- ♪ step one ♪
- ♪ step one-- call us up ♪
- ♪ step two ♪
- ♪ step two-- we'll get in the car ♪
- ♪ step three ♪
- ♪ step three, yo, put the car in drive ♪
- ♪ step four ♪
- ♪ aw, step four, believe in yourself ♪
- ♪ step five ♪
- ♪ step five-- repeat step fo', ho ♪
- ♪ step six ♪
- ♪ step six-- shh! It's a secret ♪
- ♪ step seven ♪
- ♪ step seven ♪
♪ it's also a secret ♪
- ♪ step eight ♪
- ♪ step eight ♪
♪ it's a secret, too ♪
♪ in fact, steps 9 through 21 are
secrets as well ♪
♪ step 22 ♪
♪ now we at the party,
now we at the party ♪
♪ party, now we at the party,
now we at the party ♪
♪ party, party, party,
party, party, party ♪
♪ party, party, party,
now freeze! ♪
♪ 'cause it's time
for more steps ♪
- ♪ step 23 ♪
- ♪ step 23 ♪
Find your place card
and your corresponding table.
- ♪ Step 24 ♪
- ♪ step 24 ♪
♪ get a virgin margarita
or a mini hot dog ♪
- ♪ step 25 ♪
- ♪ step 25 ♪
♪ socialize ♪
- ♪ step 26 ♪
- ♪ step 26 ♪
♪ the secrets are back ♪
♪ and they aren't going
anywhere ♪
♪ for steps 27 to 49 ♪
♪ now it's time for step 50,
the obvious step ♪
♪ and we know we don't have
to tell you ♪
♪ 'cause you can say it
yourself ♪
- ♪ step 50! ♪
- ♪ step 50! ♪
friends and family,
pity invitees--
are you ready to get
your Bar Mitzvah on?
Well, then please join me
in welcoming to the stage--
he entered a boy
but will be leaving a...
"Entered a boy"
doesn't sound great.
He came in a--
still not great.
Let's just welcome to the stage
Mr. Benjamin Feldman!
So Max is
a Bar Mitzvah emcee now?
I think they prefer to be called
Bar Mitzvah hype guys.
I believe it's pronounced
chype guys.
I did not know
that this was a job.
Well, Max leads the league
- in having jobs you didn't
know were jobs. - Mm.
Remember when he was
a salad bar back?
Yeah, that was right before
he was a funeral seat filler.
Oh, Kevin.
Oh, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
Oh, Devin!
Devin, Devin, Devin.
Oh, Max is bad
at most things he does.
I can't believe I gifted him
with my virginity.
- Oh. - You know, he's actually
pretty great out there.
Okay, everybody,
ready for the dreidel spin!
- Yeah!
- Okay.
Yes and yes and yes and yes.
Guys, this food is so good.
From now on,
Alex is keeping it kosh!
Al, what are you doing?
Max said we could only come
as long as we didn't eat
anything, talk to anyone,
or flirt with the cute rabbi
who drives a Ferrari
and chants like a Jewish angel.
You have done
all of those things.
He drives a 'rari
and sings like a damn angel.
Plus, I have always wanted
to marry a Jewish guy.
They're just, like, so cool,
with their leather jackets
and their jeans
and their ability
to turn jukeboxes on and off
just by punching them.
Okay, I'm just describing
the Fonz.
You know, I always thought
I'd end up with a Jewish guy
until I met
this chocolate anaconda.
- Ay! Oh.
- Me?
I think Brad's out there.
Oh! Whoa! Oh! Whoa! Oh!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- You know, those two are pretty good
together. - Speaking of good together,
you know what would be great
with this blintz? Bacon.
Al, if you're keeping it kosh,
you can't have bacon.
Even on my cheat days?
There are no cheat days.
- Ham?
- Still no.
Okay. I think I know the answer,
but what about bacon bits?
It says "bacon" in the name.
You have an eating disorder.
Can I still stay friends
with my pig friends?
Yes, of course.
Of course.
Pig friends?
You and Dave should
come out with us tonight.
Brad got tickets to one
of those hologram concerts.
Hologram Graham Nash is opening
for Hologram Hall & Oates.
Well, actually,
it's hologram hall,
but real-live Oates.
Uh, we'd love to, but we
kinda got a lot going on.
Yeah.
I can see that.
As a matter of fact,
Dave and I have a pretty juicy
date night planned.
Ooh!
Yeah, my fruit guy Farique
hooked us up
with some next-level dates,
so we're gonna stay inside
and house those bad boys.
Well, gotta go dump out.
Ha ha!
Yes!
So...
Seems like you and Dave are
getting comfortable again
pretty quick.
What's wrong with that?
Pumpkin, I just don't want
things to end up
the way they did last time
for you two.
I'm worried you're falling back
into old patterns.
I mean, you gotta mix it up
a little, like Brad and I do.
I'm gonna need to see
your license, registration,
and proof of penis.
This is outrageous.
I'm writing down
your vag number.
It's number one.
Yeah, it is.
Ee! Oh, snap.
It's the real po-po.
- Excuse me, miss.
- Wait. Babe?
- Babe? Babe!
- Miss?
Turns out those cops were
just another couple,
had their own thing going on.
Okay, I appreciate your concern
but Dave and I are fine.
Okay, we've got plenty
of romance in our relationship.
False alarm.
Oh, well.
Something to look forward to.
Oh! Actually, false alarm
on the false alarm.
See ya in 25 to 30.
Yes!
I get it. We're gross.
Yeah.
So you know
that super sweet guy
- I met at the Bar Mitzvah?
- Mm-hmm.
Turns out he wasn't just
a little on the short side
with a hipster mustache.
- He's 13 and actually tall
for his age. - Oh.
I guess 5772 isn't gonna be
the year of Penny, either.
Why is he sending you pictures
of his teeth?
Because he just got
his braces off.
It's like, okay, Eli,
we get that you're fired up,
but act like you've been there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Speaking of Bar Mitzvahs,
how awesome were
Max and I yesterday?
Mmm!
I mean, people were hanging
on our every move.
It was like a scene
out of Magic Mike.
Not that I would know.
Oh, my God.
I just had the best idea.
Buy Magic Mike on BluRay?
No. Well, maybe. But no.
You two should team up
and hype Bar Mitzvahs together.
I don't know.
I mean, I'd have to think
about it because I only
really, really, really, really,
really wanna do it.
Look, Brad, you're a good kid,
but I hype alone.
Max, everyone at the party
was talking about you two.
If you team up, I bet I could
get you a ton of work.
You will be the hottest
mixed race dance crew
since Paula Abdul
and MC Skat Kat.
He was Persian.
Sure.
What the hell?
Max!
You beautiful bastard.
You will not regret it.
But you are gonna have to work.
I'm talking early mornings,
late nights...
- Right.
- On-time afternoons.
- Okay. - You're gonna have to
eat, breathe, dream,
- and sleep...
- Right.
Every single move
that I teach you,
and then--
even then--
I can't be assured
that you're gonna get it.
_
Well, you got it.
It's possible I oversold
how hard this would be.
Yeah.
Oh, and check this out.
I've been working on that
spin move you've been doing.
- Dreidel-- - No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
That's my signature move.
No one does the dreidel spin
except DJ Dikembe Mutombo.
Wait. Why is your name
DJ Dikembe Mutombo?
Because no one doesn't dance
in Mutombo's house.
Not only do I love that,
but it makes me hate
your regular voice
and non-Mutombo persona.
Heh--
It's for his older brother.
The Bar Mitzvah boy's
older brother.
- What?
- Ugh.
Yeah. The minute I said it,
I realized,
the older brother's gonna
wanna see more cleave.
- Um... mnh-mnh.
- Huh?
- Uh...
- Mmm.
- What is that move?
- Ooh. Oh, boy.
Just need the right angle.
It's all about the angle.
Okay, well,
that's a rough angle.
Hey, Al, I got some
pretty sick puzzles here!
If you wanna go with Amish Country,
which is 300 pieces,
or Mount Rushmore, which is...
one piece?
- I bought a place mat.
- Yoo-hoo.
What you doing?
I thought we could
repaint the room.
And if that happens to lead
to us playfully flicking paint
at each other
and then making passionate love
on the floor, then so be it.
How long have you been inhaling
these paint fumes?
Long enough.
Okay.
Just gonna open a window.
I think you should open
your pants window.
Come on! Let's have fun!
Aah!
- Oh, God! It's in my eyes!
- Oh! Aah!
- My lasiks!
- Oh!
My asics!
Wait! Come back!
I also have
the pottery wheel from Ghost!
Ooh.
Maybe I should open a window.
Don't be shy.
Daddy's gotta carbo load.
Enjoy the mashed potato.
Maybe this was a mistake.
What if I can't hype them up?
What if they find out
I'm not Jewish?
Dude, I told them
you were Ethiopian.
And relax. White people love
black people.
Why do you think we've been
wholesale ripping off
your culture for decades?
It's out of love...
and greed.
But mostly love...
of money.
It's go time.
- All right, everybody!
- Okay!
It's time to put down
that challah...
and get ready to holla...
for Boyz II Menorah!
♪ So shy, don't cry ♪
♪ hide it away ♪
♪ like a little wallflower ♪
- ♪ in the shadows of day ♪
- Whoa!
♪ Now I'm all about
stepping out into the light ♪
- You missed.
- ♪ tonight ♪
♪ tonight ♪
Oh! Look at that man move!
This is some good material
for the ol' buzz bank.
You are not like other
married couples I see on TV.
From the gentleman at the bar.
Ooh!
Oh! Hello.
Not him. Him.
Yeah, that makes more sense.
I don't get it.
What is it about me?
I am like Jewish boy crack.
Well, you're a goy
with vaguely semitic looks
who gives off
a real strong vibe
that you know your way around
a Handrew Jackson.
Jane!
You're making me blush!
- Ha! Yeah!
- Ha! Ha! Ha!
Good! Good! Good! Good!
Ah! Ah!
Good!
I got a mashed potato cramp.
- Oy! Oy!
- Ah!
- Yeah!
- Excuse me. Party starter coming through.
- Yeah!
- Whew!
- Whoo!
- Uhh!
Uhh!
Okay, everybody,
it's time for the dreidel spin!
Dreidel spin!
Huh! Huh!
Aah!
Yes!
Betrayal!
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, dude!
Ooh. How are the eyes doing?
Not great.
Not great, but the pain incident
did give me a chance
to dust off me old shades.
Did the doctor
make you wear those?
Um, yeah. Dr. Style.
Okay, well, feast your
plastic-covered eyes on this!
I am whisking you away
for a romantic weekend.
Oh, Al, I'd love to go,
but tomorrow I'm getting
my goatee lined up.
And right now,
I'm in the middle
of responding to a bunch
of nasty reviews on Yelp.
Come on, Dave, okay?
It's gonna be great.
Look, I already packed for you.
Al, all that's in here is
a travel Guess Who?
and a terrifying amount
of condoms.
They're for your penis.
You didn't even pack
any clothes.
Where we're going,
we don't need clothes.
Actually, that's not true.
Where we're going, we're gonna
need a lot of clothes
'cause it's overrun
by Asian tiger mosquitoes.
But we'll be together!
Look, Al, I just think
we should do this
when we can plan it out and take
advantage of travel deals.
Oh! We could go to Florida
and stay with my nana.
There is nothing sexy
about your nana.
Mm. She does all right.
Ugh! Our love is dead!
What's happening?
What's happening is she thinks
you're falling back
into your old patterns,
and that the romance is already
gone from your relationship.
Yeah. What am I gonna do?
Yeow.
Give me a minute to think.
What are those two
talking about?
I don't know. They got their
own thing going on this week.
So let me get this straight.
You want me to hype
a Bar Mitzvah without Max?
Not me. My client,
Former Alderman Larry Umansky.
No big deal.
- Really not.
- In certain circles.
He saw you perform last week
and he flipped.
Only catch is,
he just wants you, not Max.
Ooh.
Boyz II Menorah is a team.
You saw him cramp up
during the hora.
And he was nowhere to be found
when "shout" came on.
No one could get
even the slightest bit louder,
and at no point could anyone
get at all softer.
It was
an even-keeled disaster.
I can't hype without Max.
Fine, but just in case
you change your mind...
8:00, Am Shalom Temple.
Destiny awaits.
Destiny Umansky--
Larry's wife.
She'll be your contact
on all things related
to Jake's rockin' Bar Mitzvah.
Okay, you gotta
do something big.
What is someplace that Alex
has always wanted to visit?
Smurf village.
- Real place.
- Paris.
But honestly,
that is a distant second.
I think I've got it.
We do a whisk-away,
but instead of whisking Alex
to Paris,
we whisk Paris...
to Alex.
We can set up your courtyard
like a Parisian bistro.
I can even make
fake plane tickets
and wear a stewardess outfit.
That sounds amazing,
but why would you wear
a stewardess outfit?
Well, either that
or I'm gonna need to change.
Um...
She's the sexy stewardess,
and I'm the melancholy
frequent flier
whose entire life can fit
in an overhead compartment.
- Ahh!
- Mmm!
Should've called ahead.
I did call ahead, and apparently
it did not make a difference.
Max? Can I talk to you?
Um...
What are you doing?
I'm trying to find a dunkaroo
I dropped under the couch,
and I gotta get it
before the rats do,
because I will not spend
another Thursday
fighting a rat
for what is rightfully mine!
Do you hear me, rat?!
Although you'd probably take
the rat's side, wouldn't you?
Well, depends on the rat.
You stole my move, Brad!
You knew the dreidel spin was
my thing. You did it anyway.
Look, dude,
I'm sorry about the move,
but I had to do something.
You weren't there.
Oh, come on.
Look, if we just take it
more seriously
and we're, like, a little more
professional, I think--
Oh, you're gonna talk to me
about being professional?
Me? The guy who took an online
class in Bar Mitzvah hype?
That I created...
and paid for
with Dave's credit card.
Didn't you fail that?
Those exams
are racially biased!
When I met you,
you were nothin'.
You were out on the street,
doing underpants stuff
for soup money.
I made you.
Well, you know what?
I'm done.
Yeah? Maybe Boyz II Menorah
is done.
Well, maybe it is!
Well, then maybe we have nothing
left to talk about. Shalom!
Wait. Doesn't that also
mean "hello"?
I said shalom, sir!
Hello, Destiny?
I think we have a date tonight.
Oh, no, no. Not a real date.
No, it's Brad.
The Bar Mitzvah guy?
Yeah.
I'm in.
Wow! This is amazing.
I know. I know.
The only thing missing is Alex.
She should've been here by now.
Well, maybe her store
was really busy.
Mm.
Ohh!
- Just imagine it really busy. Just try.
- Ah!
I can't! I can't do it!
Yeah!
Mm, no.
Oh!
- Good times.
- Mm.
Seriously, though,
where the hell is she?
I mean, I sent that invitation
to her store hours ago.
- This is the invite?
- Yeah.
A fake plane ticket
for Love Airlines?
Yeah.
Check out where she's sitting.
Your cockpit.
She's your sister.
- But well done.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow. This looks
shockingly realistic.
Well, I pride myself
on realism.
You don't think
Alex saw this and thought...
No. There's no way
she would actually--
Well, she can be pretty--
Yeah, there was that one time
she ate that--
Well, in her defense,
it did smell like a...
You would think
after one bite...
You know, let's just say
what we're both thinking.
- Alex went to the airport.
- Only an idiot eats a candle.
And the airport thing.
No biggie.
Let's just say someone went
to the airport...
- Mm-hmm.
- ...with a fake plane ticket.
You don't think security
would...
Ow!
Oh, but I'm being whisked away!
On Love Airlines!
Ohh. There it is.
Shoot.
Fine, Jane. I'll admit it.
Taking your car would've
made more sense.
We had to stop for gas twice.
Hey!
You can't park that here!
Keep it.
N-no, you're gonna
have to move it.
- Come on, man. It's for love.
- I don't care!
Come on, man, please!
I'm warning you.
All right, fine.
You know what?
I'll move it. I'll move it.
Fake out!
Wh--
- Stop right there!
- Uhh!
- Don't worry! I will find Alex!
- We got a runner!
Come on, man, that tickles!
That tickles!
Hold it, miss!
Ha ha ha! You fools!
That only makes me stronger!
Aah! Uhh!
Ooh. That one's gonna sting.
Now I got
just one commandment to y'all.
Thou shalt not...
stop dancing!
♪ come here, come here ♪
♪ lay me down, lay me down ♪
Yeah!
You know, I recently
came into a lot of...
savings bonds, and, like me,
they're gonna mature fast.
Oh, yeah?
Fast enough to get me
three kids and a lake view
townhome before I'm 35?
Can you be that for me, Jake?
They get bigger but they don't
get better, Shawna.
Now as y'all know,
a Bar Mitzvah
is a special time--
a time for friends,
a time for family,
and a time for--
Betrayal!
Aah!
Max, what are you doing here?
You think a Bar Mitzvah
gets hyped in this town
without me knowing about it?
I just had to see it
with my own baby blues.
Well, thanks for stopping by,
buddy.
- Now who wants to get
their caricature drawn? - Me!
Ooh! Ooh! I'd like to have
my caricature drawn.
Maybe you could
put a knife in my back.
And I'd be on a skateboard
with a tiny...
tennis racket. Maybe some
golf clubs on my back.
Guys, we're kind of in
the middle of a coming-of-age,
boy-turning-into-a-man
type of thing,
so maybe you could...
- You know what, Penny?
You're right. - Yep.
There is a serious lack of hype
at this Bar Mitzvah.
DJ, hit it!
Ugh.
Oh!
Oh, you want a hype-off?!
Well, I'll give you
a hype-off!
How about I just
kick my hype off?
All right, here we go,
y'all sons of Abraham!
Get your hands up!
Get your hands up!
No, no, no, no!
Get--
get your-- get your hands
down and get your clap on!
Get your clap on!
Get your clap on!
Yo, clap is wack!
Get your hands in the air
if you don't really care!
You should all care!
You should all care!
♪ Now clap your hands
with purpose ♪
♪ like you're totally invested ♪
Isn't this fun?
So many options!
Uh-oh! I hear a Fiddler!
I hear a Fiddler on the roof!
Let's raise that roof!
Raise that roof!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Don't raise the roof!
Don't raise the roof
'cause the roof is on fire!
Don't wanna burn those hands!
I'm sure all the doctors in the
crowd would agree. Am I right?
Oh, ho!
Did I hear someone say...
limbo?
Come on, granny.
Get up here.
Sit your old bones down, nana!
- Hey!
- Give me that!
- Guys? You guys, no, come on, this is
crazy. Please don't! - Stop it!
Penny, tell him to stop!
- Yeah, you freak!
- Gimme! Gimme!
- Aah!
- Uhh!
Give me this.
No way!
I know this seems pretty awful,
but when you consider
all the things
your people have been through,
it's really not that bad.
Eh?
Are we doomed?
I mean, is our relationship
destined to fail?
Actually,
I find it encouraging,
you find this encouraging?
Yeah, I mean, old Dave and Alex
never made any effort
to be romantic at all.
And you and I just
tried so hard,
we shut down O'Hare
for two hours.
Yeah.
You're right.
Old Dave and Alex
are the worst.
- Mm. - We're way better
than those losers.
I'm old Dave.
I never make any effort.
And I'm old Alex.
I constantly wear sweatpants...
and phone it in
- when it's my turn to go downstairs.
- What?
What?
I guess we have
come a long way.
And, you know, one day we will
get our romantic night in Paris.
Well... we might be closer
than you think.
Aw!
Are you crying?
No. I think it's just
the pepper spray.
But also, I am genuinely moved.
Mmm.
Hey. Sorry I ruined
your gig.
Eh. I should have never taken it
behind your back, dude.
I just got so caught up,
you know?
You saw the crowd.
They loved me.
And this is traditionally
a very hard to please people.
Well, I don't care
for the way you phrased that.
I've just never had a job
that made people this happy.
You know? I was
an investment banker, Max.
That's like one step below
Tonight Show bandleader.
But don't worry. I know.
Hyping's your thing.
I'll find my own.
Nah. Turn's out
I'm getting out the game, too.
Not by choice.
Just, what we did in there
is officially considered
a hate crime.
Yeah. I could see that.
Kinda ruined that party
and screwed over Penny.
Nah, Penny's a pro. She'll find
a way to smooth things over.
All right,
so I'm gonna do this,
but after, you have to
tell your parents
this was the best Bar Mitzvah
you have ever been to.
Ready?
What are you doing?
We just wanted
a ride to the mall.
Fair enoof.
Excuse me.
Okay. One sec. One sec.
Hey, yo, kid!
This bar Mitzvah is wack.
I know. What do I do?
I'm glad you asked.
♪ If you wanna make
your Bar or Bat Mitzvah Phat ♪
♪ Boyz II Menorah
is where it's at ♪
♪ so here's a few simple steps
to help with that ♪
- ♪ step one ♪
- ♪ step one-- call us up ♪
- ♪ step two ♪
- ♪ step two-- we'll get in the car ♪
- ♪ step three ♪
- ♪ step three, yo, put the car in drive ♪
- ♪ step four ♪
- ♪ aw, step four, believe in yourself ♪
- ♪ step five ♪
- ♪ step five-- repeat step fo', ho ♪
- ♪ step six ♪
- ♪ step six-- shh! It's a secret ♪
- ♪ step seven ♪
- ♪ step seven ♪
♪ it's also a secret ♪
- ♪ step eight ♪
- ♪ step eight ♪
♪ it's a secret, too ♪
♪ in fact, steps 9 through 21 are
secrets as well ♪
♪ step 22 ♪
♪ now we at the party,
now we at the party ♪
♪ party, now we at the party,
now we at the party ♪
♪ party, party, party,
party, party, party ♪
♪ party, party, party,
now freeze! ♪
♪ 'cause it's time
for more steps ♪
- ♪ step 23 ♪
- ♪ step 23 ♪
Find your place card
and your corresponding table.
- ♪ Step 24 ♪
- ♪ step 24 ♪
♪ get a virgin margarita
or a mini hot dog ♪
- ♪ step 25 ♪
- ♪ step 25 ♪
♪ socialize ♪
- ♪ step 26 ♪
- ♪ step 26 ♪
♪ the secrets are back ♪
♪ and they aren't going
anywhere ♪
♪ for steps 27 to 49 ♪
♪ now it's time for step 50,
the obvious step ♪
♪ and we know we don't have
to tell you ♪
♪ 'cause you can say it
yourself ♪
- ♪ step 50! ♪
- ♪ step 50! ♪