Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 2 - Sabado Free-Gante - full transcript
Dressing up for Halloween as the Jackson five rather literally falls trough. The next Saturday brunch isn't as lavish as usual now unemployed Brad cannot afford it anymore, so Max shows his skinned mate fun ways how to scum free food and more, albeit it at some risk. Dave and Alex decide to consecrate their reunion by moving in together to a new place, but insecurity stirred by Jane makes them turn down suitable apartments on ludicrous grounds to real estate agent Suzanne's quietly growing, ultimately exploding despair. Jane senses that Penny plans a major purchase, as turns out a new car, and imposes her superior negotiator skills, to the Car Czar salesman's justified despair, yet also impresses the owner with a startling consequence. Penny played the car dealer as she was able to car which impressed Jane.
I didn't think we could top
last Halloween, but we did it.
Are we gonna see
any Jackson 5s tonight? Yep.
Are we gonna see any
marionettes? Most def.
Are we gonna see mos defs?
I wouldn't know it
if we saw it.
But I guarantee we are gonna be
the only marionette Jackson 5.
- Yes!
- Wait. Which Jackson 5 am I again?
- You're Michael.
- ♪ Hoo-hoo ♪
- Jane is Jackie.
- Mm-hmm.
- Penny is Tito.
- Little T!
Max is Marlon.
♪ ah-ba-doh-bo-bo ♪
I'm Joe, and Dave is La Toya.
Why do I always
have to be La Toya?
Shut up, La Toya!
- No!
- Smack it!
La Toya should always shut up!
- She deserves it.
- All right, here we go.
Halloween train all aboard!
Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga...
Ooh. Ow!
Pull it!
- All right.
- Kick back, kick back.
- Penny!
- Pull it back.
Collateral damage.
- We gotta go back.
- Why are we turning?
- I got confused.
- Aah!
- Oh!
- There we go.
Halloween blows.
Drink.
Whoa! Hey, hold on, guys.
Good one, La Toya!
Why you so stupid, huh?
You're so dumb.
You a dumbass bitch, La Toya.
Now go up quick, up quick.
Up top!
- Oh, drink, drink, drink!
- Aah!
It's all on La Toya's beard!
- As the public face of our little
gang here... - Self-appointed.
I would like to thank Jane
and congratulate her
on another amazing
Saturday brunch.
- Mm.
- Aw.
You go, girl!
You go to hell, girl!
There's no rosemary sun-dried
chicken apple pesto
in that sausage!
Those aren't
cage-free huevos!
No.
That is not
fresh-squeezed juice.
That is from concentrate.
Concentrate!
I'm trying, but I don't know
what you're talking about.
Well, since Brad
is not working,
we've had to cut back
a little bit.
We were spending 5 grand a month
on "of the month" clubs.
How much could
you really spend on--
Tea of the month, cigar,
beer, soap, month.
- Month of the month?
- Yeah.
August was March.
I miss "time of the month" club
the most.
Don't worry. It's not what
you think. It's a clock
that tells you
when your period's coming.
- Yes. - That's a great idea.
Well, big news out of this corner.
These two are gonna meet
with a real estate agent
and look at apartments today.
Stop! Before you start,
just stop right in your tracks.
We know what
you're thinking, okay?
That we're moving too fast,
but we can't go backwards.
We just can't.
Yeah, Jane, you're probably
like...
"Bad idea. I'm gonna do
my kegel exercises,"
and, Penny,
you're probably like...
"OMG.
This is so not amah-zing."
Yeah, and Max is all, like...
"You guys are
so stupid and so not fierce."
- And then Brad-- he's like...
- "Aw, hell, no!
You two whiteys
are moving in together?
Jive-ass turkeys!"
Don't even say it like that.
Wait.
Al, you are so offensive,
- but I'm gonna miss you
as my roommate. - Ooh!
Dave! I am gonna miss you...
paying all our rent.
I mean, half the rent.
I mean, no one's getting
scammed by anybody.
Welp, I am gonna go.
Wait. I thought we were
hanging out today.
Um, we just did.
Did you wanna do more?
Wait.
The not looking me in the eyes,
the nervous tick in your boob...
- What?
- Wow.
- Did it right there. Look at those things.
- You're jumping like Kris Kross.
- Bouncin'.
- Are you making a major purchase today?
- No. - Because you know that
I am the closer of the group,
and I will get the best deal
and more.
Remember when I took Max
to get a candy bar?
This thing's filled
with 40 pounds of nerds!
Still can't get
that mother open.
D-die!
Aah!
Die!
Hang on! Hang on!
Open...
Well, farewell.
I am not purchasing
anything of significance.
Good day, lifelong friends.
CCH Pounder!
I know you're buying something
big, so out with it, vato.
Okay, fine.
I-I'm buying a new car,
and I didn't want to tell you,
because I-I knew you'd want
to come along.
Uh, doy.
Of course I want to come.
I'm really good at buying cars.
I know, which is why
I knew if you came,
you would just, like,
take the whole thing over,
and I really want to do this
by myself.
Look, you're my friend.
Okay, I love you.
I just want to help.
So bring me along,
you know, just as,
like, a-a backup.
Okay, fine, but I totally know
which one I'm gonna get,
and I have all the info
here in my purse.
Man alive!
Are you a witch?
Huh.
What?! No!
Crap. Damn it!
Hey.
Black best friend-o,
what's going on?
Why so glum?
It's Saturday,
and I used to look forward
to my usual satty D's,
but now I can't afford
to do any of my normal routine.
Well, BBF,
why don't you tell me
what you used to do
on your Saturdays?
Well, GFF...
Gay fat friend.
Oh.
I start out with lunch, then I
do a little clothes shopping,
work out with my trainer,
and then end the day with
a steam. The perfect sabado.
Dude, you know what?
We could do that all
for no money at all.
Welcome to Maxworld,
TM, circle-R.
Really? Wait. You trademarked
and registered Maxworld?
It's kind of a long,
drawn-out, complicated story,
with a bunch
of different parts.
- Basically, I didn't. Let's go.
- Ah.
Mwah!
Mm. This is it.
It's exactly
what I've always wanted!
Let's buy this baby!
Hold on. Let's not start
bottom-frenching just yet.
Buying a car is like
going to war--
a very small war inside
of a car dealership.
There's gonna be casualties.
Probably you.
A little friendly fire.
Oh! Yes, okay.
Who...
are...
you?
Oh, I am Guy.
Welcome to the Car Czar.
We know what cars are.
Stop it!
Penny, what are you up to?
Oh, I'm writing him a check
for the car.
It says the price right here
on this little sticker.
Boop. Boop.
Okay.
You are never supposed to pay
that price.
Oh, right.
How much do you tip on a car?
15%?
20%?
20%. Okay.
♪ Hello! ♪
Hi. I'm Suzanne
Thomson-Perez-Kline-Jensen.
- Hi.
- Ow.
Are we excited?
We are gonna find
you two knuffle bunnies
an apartment today.
So what do you think, huh?
Two beds, two baths, too great
a deal for you to pass up.
Yep, I did it.
Well, the two of us think
it's too-riffic.
Yeah, I didn't do it.
Well, what he's trying
to say is we like it.
News flash--
that's great news.
I have the paperwork here.
All I need
for you guys to do is sign it,
and you kids will be locked
into a 2-year lease.
Is two years a problem?
Uh...
Uh...
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No, two years is too short.
Why don't we make it
a 10-year lease?
- Or 20 or 40.
- Okay.
Let's die in this bitch.
Although this particular bitch
does have some issues.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
- yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh, yeah.
- Hella issues. Something's wrong.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- It's a-- it's a thing.
- Mm.
- A thing?
- It's a grande thing. Shame on you.
- Right.
- Okay. Okay.
- It's a-- it's a m-m-m-- it's sort
of a me-- me. - It's a m-m--
- It's a shi-- shi...
- Some shi-- shia.
- Shia!
- Shia labeouf-y!
It's too shia labeouf-y.
Too shia labeouf-y.
Okay.
I get it.
I guess, uh, uh,
that the fireplace--
the fireplace is too labeouf-y.
Okay, so we are forging on.
I will find you
the perfect place,
or my name is not Suzanne
Thomson-Perez-Kline-Jensen.
Gotta ask.
Are those three hyphens?
Four, actually.
Uh, Thom-Sun-- two names.
I was married to a Korean guy
for a hot minute. Yeah.
His hobby was smoking indoors.
- Hmm.
- What?
Okay! Let's move on!
Ready. Okay.
I don't know, Max.
I don't think we should be here.
Dude, these drunks
know how to do it,
plus everyone loved my speech.
Thanks for sharing that story
about your dad and the ice tray.
No. Thank you, man.
Every day's a gift. Mm-hmm.
I just wish this coffee
was a beer, huh?
Hmm.
Yeah.
Dude, I don't even want
any of this stuff.
I asked for a healthy lunch.
Okay. This one was for me.
You're next.
Thanks for sharing that story
about your dad and the ice tray.
Every day's a gift.
Yeah.
Just wish this coffee
was a pizza, huh?
Hmm. Yeah.
Should we do one more? Yeah.
Yeah. Let's do one more.
Thanks for sharing that story
about your dad and the ice tray.
Just wish this coffee
was a vagina, am I right?
Penny, this is about
more than just a car.
Okay?
This is about your life.
You control your own destiny,
like Katniss Everdeen
in The Hunger Games.
Oh, my God. I love those books.
You read them, too?
No, that stuff's for dorks,
but I knew it'd get you excited.
Oh.
Okay. It is time for...
the walkout.
The walkout?
When guy comes over,
I want you to look him
right in the eye,
and I want you to say to him,
"what's your best price?"
And when he gives it to you,
I want you to say,
"no, thank you,"
and then I want you
to just calmly walk out.
Can you do that?
Yes. Yes, I can.
So, ladies.
What is your best price?
Did you want the 2-door
or the 4-door--
No, thank you!
I'm okay!
We're not paying for that.
This place has
all the things you want
that the last five places
didn't have--
skylights, gym,
close to a hardware store,
but far from a software store.
This chandelier's gonna make it
tough for chicken fights.
Do you guys have a lot
of chicken fights?
Enough that
it's a real concern.
Yeah. Ready?
Whoo!
You know what?
You know what?
This is-- this is my fault.
I never asked you guys
about yourselves.
How can I be expected
to find you the perfect place
if I don't know your story?
Well, Alex and I have known
each other for a long time.
I mean, there is quite
the history there.
- A lot of ups and downs. - Yeah, left him
at the altar for a guy in rollerblades.
Oh! That one stung!
- Sorry.
- But not to worry, Suzanne.
I did a lot of rebound
between the sheets-ing.
Sluts.
- And then, one magical night...
- Oh.
We rekindled our fire
in the back of
my award-winning food truck.
Well, that certainly is
a, uh, unique story.
Um, I can understand
why you're--
why you're hesitant
choosing your apartment.
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant-- is that even a word?
- Yes, it is.
- It is?
- No. It is.
- Oh.
We just want to make sure
that the apartment we find
is perfect.
Me, too.
Okay, now before we go,
are you sure this place
won't work for you?
Well...
It could work.
Yeah, I mean, it is charming
as hell. Does it have wi-fi?
Yes. Yes, of course.
- Ooh. No bueno.
- Ooh!
No. No. No. No.
We're old-school.
We like dial-up.
Mm-hmm. Oh, babe,
do your impression.
- Really? Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Bom-- ee--
bom-- ee-bom.
Here comes the connection.
You've got mail!
Thanks for signing up
for our cell phone
and credit card combo plan,
Mr. Kerkovich and Mr. Rose,
at our competitive
38% interest rate.
- Sweet.
- Not a good rate.
And that, my friend,
is how you go clothes shopping
in Maxworld.
This is fun, man.
And these hats are cool.
Ah.
Nope. Nope.
Nope. Nope. White.
So what's next
on your saba-do list?
Uh, right about now,
I'd meet up with my trainer
Gunther and go for a run.
Nobody motivates me
like that guy.
Nobody, huh?
Nobody.
Well, I think
that's Child's Play 2...
When nature calls.
Excuse me, big country.
Hi. Could you tell me
how to get to the YMCA?
- Yeah, you go right down that street--
- Shut up!
Shut up!
He told me to do it!
I ain't running from no one.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Okay, I think...
I have all the options
that you want here.
Should be all good. Let me
just run it by the Car Czar.
He knows what cars are.
Yeah, you do that, chooch.
You go run it
by the Car Czar. Oh.
There is no Car Czar.
No Car Czar?
Then who knows what cars are?
Oh, my gullible, chesty friend,
you better buckle up,
'cause this is
when they make us wait for hours
and assume you will take
any price
when they finally come back,
but we're not gonna do that.
We're not?
No. We're gonna be ready
for all their little tricks.
Watch. They're gonna turn
the air conditioning off
in three...
two...
But that's just a coincidence.
Sure.
Now someone's gonna come in
and offer us
a pathetic amount of water.
Sorry. This is all we have.
Now...
you're gonna sneeze.
You're a warlock.
Must... be... strong,
like Hermione
in the Harry Potter books.
- You read those?
- Dorks.
Whatever. If they don't match
my price, I'm still gonna buy.
S--
they're listening.
♪ Oh, oh ♪
Hmm. Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Aah!
♪ When I had you to myself ♪
♪ I didn't want you around ♪
♪ those pretty faces always make
you stand out in a crowd ♪
Yeah. This place is haunted.
No money down!
Hey!
Penny. Hey, Penny!
What are you doing?
Why do-- why do you have
a pen in your hand?
What's happening right now?
What, are you signing something?
I don't think
you should sign something.
- I don't think that's a great idea.
- Great news!
Guy got the Car Czar
to agree to the price we want.
Booyah!
Okay. No booyah.
Because you know what?
It took too long,
and now we want better.
So we reject this deal, guy.
- No, we don't.
- Yeah, we do.
The clock is ticking
on this deal.
No. We want it. We want it.
Jane, I'm happy with this deal,
and I'm taking it.
That's it. Okay? Do you hear me?
Yeah, I hear you.
You're just wrong.
Guy, you can do better.
Jane, stop it. Taking this deal
does not mean that I'm settling
or that I don't respect myself
or that I can't be the heroine
of a series of self-published
postapocalyptic tween novels
who may or may not be named
Teegan Arrowspear.
I just want to buy a car!
Aah!
Aah!
Damn it!
That we will pay for.
I gotta admit, Maxworld is
kinda doing me right today.
You know, I feel bad
I couldn't figure out
the last thing
on your saba-do list-- the steam.
I know what to do.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
- Oh!
- Oh, yeah!
- Ohh, yeah!
- Ohh, yeah!
Williams?
Is that you?
Paul, hey.
Damn. What happened?
You got fired,
like, a month ago,
and already you're homeless?
Oh, no. We were just--
I gotta go. Forristal's
got us working weekends.
Listen,
take care of yourself, man.
- But...
- What a shame.
F. Murray Abraham!
Listen, I'm sorry, Penny.
I shouldn't have taken
this whole thing over.
Then why did you?
Because I'm Jane.
I could not help myself.
I get carried away because
I want what's best for you,
and I guess I thought
that maybe you couldn't--
What?
Do it myself?
Uh...
So...
I just spoke to the Car Czar.
He's pissed.
We're gonna give you the car,
plus a big rebate.
Just-- just don't cry anymore
and leave now.
Deal.
Thank you. I'm getting
blackout drunk tonight.
Okay. Have fun.
Oh, my Keyser Soze.
You planned that whole thing.
You did the tearful walkout
on him and...
me.
I am proud of you,
Teegan Aerosmith.
It's Arrowspear.
- It's not great.
- No.
I never
would've pulled this off
if you hadn't pushed me.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now let's go buy this car.
Yes. Let me just grab my license
and registration.
Aah! Jane?
Jane?
Jane?
It was just so humiliating
having Paul see me like that,
you know?
Oh, I know.
Cindy Brunswick caught me
picking boogs in class.
Ugh. Been there.
Did you eat it?
Oh! Martin, you gotta pick it
and flick it, man!
Yo. What's up?
You guys talking boogs?
- Yeah.
- Did you eat it?
Oh, come on, man. You gotta
pick it and flick it, bro.
Ugh.
Hey, Brad, I, uh,
I think I threw you into
Maxworld a little too quickly,
and I wanted to say I'm sorry
that you were embarrassed
in front of Paul.
Yeah.
You know what?
He's going into the office
on a Saturday.
The guy has kids
and never even sees them.
Yeah.
Paul is living the dream.
Um...
Oh. Oh, you--
you mean that not seeing
your kids is-- is a bad thing?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Proceed.
I just need to find something
that's in between
working 80 hours a week
and crashing some lame kid's
boring birthday party.
Hey. I'm right here.
Oh. Martin,
I didn't mean you. I was--
Whatever, Brad.
I had to sit here and listen
to your lame wrap-up.
Get a job!
Okay. This is
the only apartment in Chicago
that you haven't seen yet.
It doesn't have a secret
turny-aroundy bookcase,
but it's zoned for one,
and I got a guy.
It is perfect.
Mm-hmm.
Al, what do you think?
It's great!
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Although--
No! No!
- No more "althoughs"!
- I just--
No! You shut your face!
- I think he's trying to say--
- No. Not you, either.
You know what?
This is not my fault.
This is your fault.
You two should be hesitant
about living together.
You know, your love story
that I said was unique?
Yeah, it isn't cute.
It sucks!
You two have been making
stupid excuses all day
because you know
in your stupid hearts
you should not
be living together.
But it's up to you.
What the fuck are you gonna do?
- Cheers. - Cheers. - Cheers.
- Cheers. - Cheers. - Cheers.
To your new place.
It is stunning,
simply stunning.
Man, you honkeys
gonna like it here.
Let's check out the bathrooms,
see where these whiteys
do they business.
You people are
getting way too comfortable.
You know what?
I felt that.
I'm sorry.
That was inappropriate.
- Yeah.
- It really was wrong.
Well, we did it.
Yes, we did.
We got a place together.
To the best decision
we ever made.
Ah.
Ooh.
I'm gonna just, uh,
check out...
Yeah. Yeah.
Jane Kerkovich?
It is I, the Car Czar.
I know what cars are.
Oh, my God. You do exist.
In my 15 years of selling cars
and my 10 years of owning a zoo,
I have never seen
a better negotiator.
I want you to come work for me.
Mr. Car Czar,
I am flattered,
but I already have
a job that I love.
That's what
I'm willing to pay you.
Mm.
Here's my counter.
No one should ever
leave the house
without their ideal salary
written on a folded-up piece
of paper.
That's my counter.
Here's mine.
Sweetheart,
you got yourself a deal.
Mm. Now that I'm on the team,
you gonna tell me what cars are?
Ah.
That's pretty much
what I thought.
It's all they are.
Wow!
I'll see you on Monday.
Okay.
last Halloween, but we did it.
Are we gonna see
any Jackson 5s tonight? Yep.
Are we gonna see any
marionettes? Most def.
Are we gonna see mos defs?
I wouldn't know it
if we saw it.
But I guarantee we are gonna be
the only marionette Jackson 5.
- Yes!
- Wait. Which Jackson 5 am I again?
- You're Michael.
- ♪ Hoo-hoo ♪
- Jane is Jackie.
- Mm-hmm.
- Penny is Tito.
- Little T!
Max is Marlon.
♪ ah-ba-doh-bo-bo ♪
I'm Joe, and Dave is La Toya.
Why do I always
have to be La Toya?
Shut up, La Toya!
- No!
- Smack it!
La Toya should always shut up!
- She deserves it.
- All right, here we go.
Halloween train all aboard!
Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga...
Ooh. Ow!
Pull it!
- All right.
- Kick back, kick back.
- Penny!
- Pull it back.
Collateral damage.
- We gotta go back.
- Why are we turning?
- I got confused.
- Aah!
- Oh!
- There we go.
Halloween blows.
Drink.
Whoa! Hey, hold on, guys.
Good one, La Toya!
Why you so stupid, huh?
You're so dumb.
You a dumbass bitch, La Toya.
Now go up quick, up quick.
Up top!
- Oh, drink, drink, drink!
- Aah!
It's all on La Toya's beard!
- As the public face of our little
gang here... - Self-appointed.
I would like to thank Jane
and congratulate her
on another amazing
Saturday brunch.
- Mm.
- Aw.
You go, girl!
You go to hell, girl!
There's no rosemary sun-dried
chicken apple pesto
in that sausage!
Those aren't
cage-free huevos!
No.
That is not
fresh-squeezed juice.
That is from concentrate.
Concentrate!
I'm trying, but I don't know
what you're talking about.
Well, since Brad
is not working,
we've had to cut back
a little bit.
We were spending 5 grand a month
on "of the month" clubs.
How much could
you really spend on--
Tea of the month, cigar,
beer, soap, month.
- Month of the month?
- Yeah.
August was March.
I miss "time of the month" club
the most.
Don't worry. It's not what
you think. It's a clock
that tells you
when your period's coming.
- Yes. - That's a great idea.
Well, big news out of this corner.
These two are gonna meet
with a real estate agent
and look at apartments today.
Stop! Before you start,
just stop right in your tracks.
We know what
you're thinking, okay?
That we're moving too fast,
but we can't go backwards.
We just can't.
Yeah, Jane, you're probably
like...
"Bad idea. I'm gonna do
my kegel exercises,"
and, Penny,
you're probably like...
"OMG.
This is so not amah-zing."
Yeah, and Max is all, like...
"You guys are
so stupid and so not fierce."
- And then Brad-- he's like...
- "Aw, hell, no!
You two whiteys
are moving in together?
Jive-ass turkeys!"
Don't even say it like that.
Wait.
Al, you are so offensive,
- but I'm gonna miss you
as my roommate. - Ooh!
Dave! I am gonna miss you...
paying all our rent.
I mean, half the rent.
I mean, no one's getting
scammed by anybody.
Welp, I am gonna go.
Wait. I thought we were
hanging out today.
Um, we just did.
Did you wanna do more?
Wait.
The not looking me in the eyes,
the nervous tick in your boob...
- What?
- Wow.
- Did it right there. Look at those things.
- You're jumping like Kris Kross.
- Bouncin'.
- Are you making a major purchase today?
- No. - Because you know that
I am the closer of the group,
and I will get the best deal
and more.
Remember when I took Max
to get a candy bar?
This thing's filled
with 40 pounds of nerds!
Still can't get
that mother open.
D-die!
Aah!
Die!
Hang on! Hang on!
Open...
Well, farewell.
I am not purchasing
anything of significance.
Good day, lifelong friends.
CCH Pounder!
I know you're buying something
big, so out with it, vato.
Okay, fine.
I-I'm buying a new car,
and I didn't want to tell you,
because I-I knew you'd want
to come along.
Uh, doy.
Of course I want to come.
I'm really good at buying cars.
I know, which is why
I knew if you came,
you would just, like,
take the whole thing over,
and I really want to do this
by myself.
Look, you're my friend.
Okay, I love you.
I just want to help.
So bring me along,
you know, just as,
like, a-a backup.
Okay, fine, but I totally know
which one I'm gonna get,
and I have all the info
here in my purse.
Man alive!
Are you a witch?
Huh.
What?! No!
Crap. Damn it!
Hey.
Black best friend-o,
what's going on?
Why so glum?
It's Saturday,
and I used to look forward
to my usual satty D's,
but now I can't afford
to do any of my normal routine.
Well, BBF,
why don't you tell me
what you used to do
on your Saturdays?
Well, GFF...
Gay fat friend.
Oh.
I start out with lunch, then I
do a little clothes shopping,
work out with my trainer,
and then end the day with
a steam. The perfect sabado.
Dude, you know what?
We could do that all
for no money at all.
Welcome to Maxworld,
TM, circle-R.
Really? Wait. You trademarked
and registered Maxworld?
It's kind of a long,
drawn-out, complicated story,
with a bunch
of different parts.
- Basically, I didn't. Let's go.
- Ah.
Mwah!
Mm. This is it.
It's exactly
what I've always wanted!
Let's buy this baby!
Hold on. Let's not start
bottom-frenching just yet.
Buying a car is like
going to war--
a very small war inside
of a car dealership.
There's gonna be casualties.
Probably you.
A little friendly fire.
Oh! Yes, okay.
Who...
are...
you?
Oh, I am Guy.
Welcome to the Car Czar.
We know what cars are.
Stop it!
Penny, what are you up to?
Oh, I'm writing him a check
for the car.
It says the price right here
on this little sticker.
Boop. Boop.
Okay.
You are never supposed to pay
that price.
Oh, right.
How much do you tip on a car?
15%?
20%?
20%. Okay.
♪ Hello! ♪
Hi. I'm Suzanne
Thomson-Perez-Kline-Jensen.
- Hi.
- Ow.
Are we excited?
We are gonna find
you two knuffle bunnies
an apartment today.
So what do you think, huh?
Two beds, two baths, too great
a deal for you to pass up.
Yep, I did it.
Well, the two of us think
it's too-riffic.
Yeah, I didn't do it.
Well, what he's trying
to say is we like it.
News flash--
that's great news.
I have the paperwork here.
All I need
for you guys to do is sign it,
and you kids will be locked
into a 2-year lease.
Is two years a problem?
Uh...
Uh...
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- No, two years is too short.
Why don't we make it
a 10-year lease?
- Or 20 or 40.
- Okay.
Let's die in this bitch.
Although this particular bitch
does have some issues.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
- yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Uh, yeah.
- Hella issues. Something's wrong.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- It's a-- it's a thing.
- Mm.
- A thing?
- It's a grande thing. Shame on you.
- Right.
- Okay. Okay.
- It's a-- it's a m-m-m-- it's sort
of a me-- me. - It's a m-m--
- It's a shi-- shi...
- Some shi-- shia.
- Shia!
- Shia labeouf-y!
It's too shia labeouf-y.
Too shia labeouf-y.
Okay.
I get it.
I guess, uh, uh,
that the fireplace--
the fireplace is too labeouf-y.
Okay, so we are forging on.
I will find you
the perfect place,
or my name is not Suzanne
Thomson-Perez-Kline-Jensen.
Gotta ask.
Are those three hyphens?
Four, actually.
Uh, Thom-Sun-- two names.
I was married to a Korean guy
for a hot minute. Yeah.
His hobby was smoking indoors.
- Hmm.
- What?
Okay! Let's move on!
Ready. Okay.
I don't know, Max.
I don't think we should be here.
Dude, these drunks
know how to do it,
plus everyone loved my speech.
Thanks for sharing that story
about your dad and the ice tray.
No. Thank you, man.
Every day's a gift. Mm-hmm.
I just wish this coffee
was a beer, huh?
Hmm.
Yeah.
Dude, I don't even want
any of this stuff.
I asked for a healthy lunch.
Okay. This one was for me.
You're next.
Thanks for sharing that story
about your dad and the ice tray.
Every day's a gift.
Yeah.
Just wish this coffee
was a pizza, huh?
Hmm. Yeah.
Should we do one more? Yeah.
Yeah. Let's do one more.
Thanks for sharing that story
about your dad and the ice tray.
Just wish this coffee
was a vagina, am I right?
Penny, this is about
more than just a car.
Okay?
This is about your life.
You control your own destiny,
like Katniss Everdeen
in The Hunger Games.
Oh, my God. I love those books.
You read them, too?
No, that stuff's for dorks,
but I knew it'd get you excited.
Oh.
Okay. It is time for...
the walkout.
The walkout?
When guy comes over,
I want you to look him
right in the eye,
and I want you to say to him,
"what's your best price?"
And when he gives it to you,
I want you to say,
"no, thank you,"
and then I want you
to just calmly walk out.
Can you do that?
Yes. Yes, I can.
So, ladies.
What is your best price?
Did you want the 2-door
or the 4-door--
No, thank you!
I'm okay!
We're not paying for that.
This place has
all the things you want
that the last five places
didn't have--
skylights, gym,
close to a hardware store,
but far from a software store.
This chandelier's gonna make it
tough for chicken fights.
Do you guys have a lot
of chicken fights?
Enough that
it's a real concern.
Yeah. Ready?
Whoo!
You know what?
You know what?
This is-- this is my fault.
I never asked you guys
about yourselves.
How can I be expected
to find you the perfect place
if I don't know your story?
Well, Alex and I have known
each other for a long time.
I mean, there is quite
the history there.
- A lot of ups and downs. - Yeah, left him
at the altar for a guy in rollerblades.
Oh! That one stung!
- Sorry.
- But not to worry, Suzanne.
I did a lot of rebound
between the sheets-ing.
Sluts.
- And then, one magical night...
- Oh.
We rekindled our fire
in the back of
my award-winning food truck.
Well, that certainly is
a, uh, unique story.
Um, I can understand
why you're--
why you're hesitant
choosing your apartment.
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant?
- Hesitant-- is that even a word?
- Yes, it is.
- It is?
- No. It is.
- Oh.
We just want to make sure
that the apartment we find
is perfect.
Me, too.
Okay, now before we go,
are you sure this place
won't work for you?
Well...
It could work.
Yeah, I mean, it is charming
as hell. Does it have wi-fi?
Yes. Yes, of course.
- Ooh. No bueno.
- Ooh!
No. No. No. No.
We're old-school.
We like dial-up.
Mm-hmm. Oh, babe,
do your impression.
- Really? Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Bom-- ee--
bom-- ee-bom.
Here comes the connection.
You've got mail!
Thanks for signing up
for our cell phone
and credit card combo plan,
Mr. Kerkovich and Mr. Rose,
at our competitive
38% interest rate.
- Sweet.
- Not a good rate.
And that, my friend,
is how you go clothes shopping
in Maxworld.
This is fun, man.
And these hats are cool.
Ah.
Nope. Nope.
Nope. Nope. White.
So what's next
on your saba-do list?
Uh, right about now,
I'd meet up with my trainer
Gunther and go for a run.
Nobody motivates me
like that guy.
Nobody, huh?
Nobody.
Well, I think
that's Child's Play 2...
When nature calls.
Excuse me, big country.
Hi. Could you tell me
how to get to the YMCA?
- Yeah, you go right down that street--
- Shut up!
Shut up!
He told me to do it!
I ain't running from no one.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Okay, I think...
I have all the options
that you want here.
Should be all good. Let me
just run it by the Car Czar.
He knows what cars are.
Yeah, you do that, chooch.
You go run it
by the Car Czar. Oh.
There is no Car Czar.
No Car Czar?
Then who knows what cars are?
Oh, my gullible, chesty friend,
you better buckle up,
'cause this is
when they make us wait for hours
and assume you will take
any price
when they finally come back,
but we're not gonna do that.
We're not?
No. We're gonna be ready
for all their little tricks.
Watch. They're gonna turn
the air conditioning off
in three...
two...
But that's just a coincidence.
Sure.
Now someone's gonna come in
and offer us
a pathetic amount of water.
Sorry. This is all we have.
Now...
you're gonna sneeze.
You're a warlock.
Must... be... strong,
like Hermione
in the Harry Potter books.
- You read those?
- Dorks.
Whatever. If they don't match
my price, I'm still gonna buy.
S--
they're listening.
♪ Oh, oh ♪
Hmm. Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Aah!
♪ When I had you to myself ♪
♪ I didn't want you around ♪
♪ those pretty faces always make
you stand out in a crowd ♪
Yeah. This place is haunted.
No money down!
Hey!
Penny. Hey, Penny!
What are you doing?
Why do-- why do you have
a pen in your hand?
What's happening right now?
What, are you signing something?
I don't think
you should sign something.
- I don't think that's a great idea.
- Great news!
Guy got the Car Czar
to agree to the price we want.
Booyah!
Okay. No booyah.
Because you know what?
It took too long,
and now we want better.
So we reject this deal, guy.
- No, we don't.
- Yeah, we do.
The clock is ticking
on this deal.
No. We want it. We want it.
Jane, I'm happy with this deal,
and I'm taking it.
That's it. Okay? Do you hear me?
Yeah, I hear you.
You're just wrong.
Guy, you can do better.
Jane, stop it. Taking this deal
does not mean that I'm settling
or that I don't respect myself
or that I can't be the heroine
of a series of self-published
postapocalyptic tween novels
who may or may not be named
Teegan Arrowspear.
I just want to buy a car!
Aah!
Aah!
Damn it!
That we will pay for.
I gotta admit, Maxworld is
kinda doing me right today.
You know, I feel bad
I couldn't figure out
the last thing
on your saba-do list-- the steam.
I know what to do.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
- Oh!
- Oh, yeah!
- Ohh, yeah!
- Ohh, yeah!
Williams?
Is that you?
Paul, hey.
Damn. What happened?
You got fired,
like, a month ago,
and already you're homeless?
Oh, no. We were just--
I gotta go. Forristal's
got us working weekends.
Listen,
take care of yourself, man.
- But...
- What a shame.
F. Murray Abraham!
Listen, I'm sorry, Penny.
I shouldn't have taken
this whole thing over.
Then why did you?
Because I'm Jane.
I could not help myself.
I get carried away because
I want what's best for you,
and I guess I thought
that maybe you couldn't--
What?
Do it myself?
Uh...
So...
I just spoke to the Car Czar.
He's pissed.
We're gonna give you the car,
plus a big rebate.
Just-- just don't cry anymore
and leave now.
Deal.
Thank you. I'm getting
blackout drunk tonight.
Okay. Have fun.
Oh, my Keyser Soze.
You planned that whole thing.
You did the tearful walkout
on him and...
me.
I am proud of you,
Teegan Aerosmith.
It's Arrowspear.
- It's not great.
- No.
I never
would've pulled this off
if you hadn't pushed me.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now let's go buy this car.
Yes. Let me just grab my license
and registration.
Aah! Jane?
Jane?
Jane?
It was just so humiliating
having Paul see me like that,
you know?
Oh, I know.
Cindy Brunswick caught me
picking boogs in class.
Ugh. Been there.
Did you eat it?
Oh! Martin, you gotta pick it
and flick it, man!
Yo. What's up?
You guys talking boogs?
- Yeah.
- Did you eat it?
Oh, come on, man. You gotta
pick it and flick it, bro.
Ugh.
Hey, Brad, I, uh,
I think I threw you into
Maxworld a little too quickly,
and I wanted to say I'm sorry
that you were embarrassed
in front of Paul.
Yeah.
You know what?
He's going into the office
on a Saturday.
The guy has kids
and never even sees them.
Yeah.
Paul is living the dream.
Um...
Oh. Oh, you--
you mean that not seeing
your kids is-- is a bad thing?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Proceed.
I just need to find something
that's in between
working 80 hours a week
and crashing some lame kid's
boring birthday party.
Hey. I'm right here.
Oh. Martin,
I didn't mean you. I was--
Whatever, Brad.
I had to sit here and listen
to your lame wrap-up.
Get a job!
Okay. This is
the only apartment in Chicago
that you haven't seen yet.
It doesn't have a secret
turny-aroundy bookcase,
but it's zoned for one,
and I got a guy.
It is perfect.
Mm-hmm.
Al, what do you think?
It's great!
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Although--
No! No!
- No more "althoughs"!
- I just--
No! You shut your face!
- I think he's trying to say--
- No. Not you, either.
You know what?
This is not my fault.
This is your fault.
You two should be hesitant
about living together.
You know, your love story
that I said was unique?
Yeah, it isn't cute.
It sucks!
You two have been making
stupid excuses all day
because you know
in your stupid hearts
you should not
be living together.
But it's up to you.
What the fuck are you gonna do?
- Cheers. - Cheers. - Cheers.
- Cheers. - Cheers. - Cheers.
To your new place.
It is stunning,
simply stunning.
Man, you honkeys
gonna like it here.
Let's check out the bathrooms,
see where these whiteys
do they business.
You people are
getting way too comfortable.
You know what?
I felt that.
I'm sorry.
That was inappropriate.
- Yeah.
- It really was wrong.
Well, we did it.
Yes, we did.
We got a place together.
To the best decision
we ever made.
Ah.
Ooh.
I'm gonna just, uh,
check out...
Yeah. Yeah.
Jane Kerkovich?
It is I, the Car Czar.
I know what cars are.
Oh, my God. You do exist.
In my 15 years of selling cars
and my 10 years of owning a zoo,
I have never seen
a better negotiator.
I want you to come work for me.
Mr. Car Czar,
I am flattered,
but I already have
a job that I love.
That's what
I'm willing to pay you.
Mm.
Here's my counter.
No one should ever
leave the house
without their ideal salary
written on a folded-up piece
of paper.
That's my counter.
Here's mine.
Sweetheart,
you got yourself a deal.
Mm. Now that I'm on the team,
you gonna tell me what cars are?
Ah.
That's pretty much
what I thought.
It's all they are.
Wow!
I'll see you on Monday.
Okay.