Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 1 - Cazsh Dummy Spillionaires - full transcript

Penny, I know we've only known
each other a little while,

and I know this is crazy.

But...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Will you take this leap
with me?

Of course I will.

This is gonna be
a perfect marriage...

of adrenaline and danger.

Now let's BASE jump.
Shall we?

Okay!

Ooh, pretty.



- Okay.
- All right.

You ready?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

One...

Two...

Three!

And... I'm gonna take
the stairs!

Oh, God, Penny.
What is the matter with you?

You are so pathetic. It's like,
what are you so scared of?

Take a risk
for once in your-- Whoa!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ohh!

- Ow! Ow!
- Oh!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, no, oh, no.
- What a schlemiel!



I never get tired
of watching this!

- How did she manage to fall
around the landings? - Oh, guys.

Guys, guys, guys, you know
that I love a Penny pile-on

- as much as the next slut, but...
- Oh, damn right.

That was a massive fall,

and we should all thank
our lucky stars

that Penny made it out of there
unscathed.

- Agreed.
- Amen.

Thank God.

Uh, friendos?
I did not make it out unscathed.

I'm extremely scathed.

I know.

- Classic Penny!
- It was the word! It was the word!

I'm sorry, but it's funny.

Serious, though, Dave and I

have some big, potentially
earth-shattering news.

- Now we don't wanna freak
anybody out. - No.

But... Alex and Dave...

- are casually seeing each other.
- Oh, we knew that.

- Gross. - And it's
the least interesting pairing

since chicken piscati
and Pinot gris.

- What?
- Sorry.

I've been watching
a lot of Frasier.

I know you're all terrified
right now,

and clearly, that is why
you're lashing out at us,

but don't worry.
We're not gonna let this thing

get too serious,
because Alex and Dave,

much like Dave's new haircut,

are keeping it cazsh.

Oy vey.

Trust us,
the last thing we want

- is for things to get complicated
like in "it's complicated." - Oh.

- So we're just gonna go with it,
like in "just go with it"... - So cute.

And be friends with benefits
like in "no strings attached."

Guys, could the focus
please be back on me, okay?

And could someone put this chip
in my chip hole?

I'm so hungry.
No, Max, don't do it.

Wait. Are you still falling?

Okay, laugh it up.

It's like a slinky
with breasts.

You guys, not cool. I died for
two minutes in the ambulance.

What?

Wow.

Babe, I am loving you
in that robe.

You look so happy

and so... relaxed.

Thanks, byabe.
You were right.

Getting laid off has been
really good for me.

I mean, it was a little weird
at first,

because I've basically
had a job

since I was in, like,
seventh grade.

Well, now you can
finally take a break,

and you can start
working on those hobbies

- that you've been putting off forever.
- Right?

- Like your dance-cooking...
- Mm!

- And your candle making...
- Mm-hmm!

And I know you didn't forget
about... this guy.

Sinbrad!
What's up, my dude?!

Oh, no, you didn't!

Get him!
Get him, get him, get him.

Yo' mama so fat, she died.

Sorry, I...

- that was just sad more than anything.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I need to practice.
- It's pretty sad.

- It's a little rusty. - Yeah, but you know
what the best part of all of this is?

- Hmm? - Is that we've been able
to hang out so much more.

I mean, I have been coming
so hard home from work

just 'cause I'm excited
to have dinner with you.

I mean, when you were working,

we hardly spent
any time together,

and I know this is crazy,
but...

I was scared that eventually
we were gonna turn

into one of those couples
that just

slowly drifts away
from each other.

Babe, that will
never be us, okay?

Now you go to work
and make that money for papa.

Yeah.

- All right? Mmm.
- Mmm.

I'll just be here
chillin' all day.

- Mm!
- Thinking about you.

- Mmm!
- Thinking about me.

- Mm?
- Think about you, naked.

Ooh!

Let me get some of this.

- No.
- Oh!

Spank it.

Have fun!

Bye, baby.

All right, now.

Huh!

Yeah.

Gimme this.

Ahh. Man, I love the workplace--

fluorescent lights,
stale coffee,

and the sweet sound of men
quoting classic comedies.

Yo, Williams!

- You my boy, blue!
- Yeah.

So I got that goin' for me,
which is nice.

Okay.

Vince Vaughn!

Eh, not great!

- Ahh.
- Daddy's home.

Huh!

So I was thinking about it,

and I think you and Dave
casually dating

is actually a great idea.

Yo, yo!

Here's your drink... friend.

Bro. Bro V. Wade.
Bromaine lettuce.

So what's the damage
on my bevvy?

We go Dutch. It's more cazsh.

Actually, the drinks were free.

That bartendress over there
was flirting with me,

but I did not flirt back.
I swear, dawg.

Oh. Well...

Uh, you know what?
It's totally cool,

because...
flirting is in bounds,

bro... Lin. Comma James,

husband of Streisand,
comma Barbra!

Okay. Okay brovine growth hormone.
They used to keep it in cazsh.

Well...

I'm out.

You two have fun

talking like two
of Scott Caan's groomsmen.

Yeah.

So... what do you
wanna do now?

Mm, I don't know.

What do two pals do
on a Tuesday afternoon?

Ohh!

Most casual sex ever!

Totally.

Okay, I'm coming.

Mm.

All right.

Ooh!

We have your...

hot but not too hot tea,

your cool
but not too cool pillow.

Oh!

And a crustless sando for baby.

Aw, you're so sweet for
taking care of me, Max.

Ooh, I hate to be this girl,

but I do see some residual
crust on that sandwich.

And I thought
that I'd made myself

pretty crystal clear
when I told you

I wanted zero crust whatsoever
'cause it hurts my teeth.

Did you not feel I was clear?

- No, I felt you were very clear.
- Okay.

I'm just gonna remove
the crust.

Thank you.

And... here we go.

Okay.

Oh, there's no crust
on this sandwich.

But all your chitchatting
has left my tea cold.

Okay. Do you know what, Pen?

I have been busting my humps
being your male nurse,

because I genuinely
love these gift baskets.

And to a lesser extent, you,

you know,
'cause we're best friends

and we love each other
and all that barf,

but you are
the worst patient ever.

So if you will excuse me,

I'm taking this gift basket

and this gift basket
with the salami,

- and you are coming with me.
- This... is... rich!

And I will say to you...

- Good day, sir!
- Good day to you, madame!

Oh, get out of here, monsignor!

I will see you later, guv'nor!

Hey, you.

I'm Kent. Uh, Penny's
new physical therapist?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you brought her
some gift baskets.

What a good friend.

Well... two things you
should know about me, Kent--

I'm selfless
and have moves like Jagger,

specifically the ones
he allegedly used

on David Bowie in the '70s.

Huh.

Whoa!
Al, what is with this outfit?

You look like the Olsen twins'
burnout brother,

Larry Kate Olsen.

Come on. His middle name
is also Kate?

You're obviously
dressed like this

because you slept at Dave's,

and you like wearing
his clothes,

which is the opposite
of casual.

You, sister...
are in a serious relationship.

What? No, his shirts
are just comfy, okay?

We're totally cazsh.
We slept head-to-toe.

It doesn't count.

It counts.

I'll tell you
what doesn't count.

The Miami Heat's
most recent NBA championship.

It was an injury-plagued,
strike-shortened season.

Therefore,
Lebron still needs six rings

- to even get in the conversation
with Jordan. - Are you done?

No. Also, Chris Bosh
looks like

one of Omar's boyfriends
from The Wire.

Whatever, Jane, okay?

- Dave and Alex are not serious, okay?
- Mm.

In fact... would someone
in a serious relationship

ask this smokin' hot bartendress
for her number

so that her and Dave
could go out on a date?

I don't know what you're--
That makes no sense.

Well, watch me.

Yo, yo, yo, Karissa. Yo.

What's up?

You remember my boy Dave
you were making suck-eyes at?

Well, he's sweatin' you,
so if you give me your digits,

he'll hit you up.

Great.

Yep. Yep.

Careful of my hammy.

Oh.

I should
get this... for Penny.

If that's the doctor,
will you ask

if I can still get out
of this cast tomorrow?

Yeah.

Hey, doc.

Tomorrow...

Ooh, careful.

Nah, you know what?

Penny's actually in Bolivia.

Turns out a body cast is
perfect for narcotraficante.

I'll hit you up
if she makes it out of the game.

Peace.

Pen, I got some bummer news.

Doc says you're gonna
have to be in that cast

for at least another week.

Another week?
But this thing sooks.

Yeah, it's about to get
a lot sookier.

Doc prescribed double
the amount of physical therapy.

- No, no, no, no.
- And, Kent? Doc also prescribes

that you're gonna have
to start showing up here

in bike shorts
and a Jim McMahon Jersey

from now on.
Doc's orders.

Sounds like an odd request,
but... I'm in.

Ahh!

- Ahh!
- Careful.

Go long, go long.
Aah!

Max!

Yeah, I've just been, uh,
making candles all day.

Also worked with Sinbrad
for a while,

getting pretty bad at it,

which is how Sinbrad
says "good"

because he's got
a '90s sensibility.

You are so hot
when you're hobbying.

I could just eat you up.

How about instead,
you eat my beef... bourguignon

I've been braisin' all day?

- Mmm!
- See you at dinnie, babe.

Mwah.

Dinner is served.

- This looks delicious.
- Doesn't it?

And these candles--
beautiful.

You've got so much done today,
my little stay-at-home husband.

Mmm.

My cute little Mr. Wife.

My wifey. My girl.

My little girl.

My bitch. You bitch.

- Who's my tiny,
miniature bitch? - Oh, all right.

You know, I felt it
after the second "bitch."

Ugh.

You guys are in such
a serious relationship.

Yeah, we're married.

Sucks for you!

Really, Alex? Sucks for us?

Why don't you tell us how
keeping it cazsh is going, huh?

You're here, uninvited.
What's Dave up to?

Well, Jane, if you must know,

Dave is currently getting
his goatee highlighted

in anticipation
of his date tomorrow

with that hot bartendra,
Karissa.

Say what?!

- What?
- Oh.

- Huh?
- So what are you trying to accomplish

with all this dating
other people stuff, hmm?

It's simple. Dave will go
out with a hot-ass ho.

They'll have some sex.
They'll fall in love. Excuse me.

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh-mnh.

That girl so wack, her first
name should be Nick Nack Patty.

Ohh, snap!

Yello, you got Penny.

Hey, doc.

What?

No, who told you
I was in Bolivia?

Pennis...

Best friend comin' in hot
with a refill.

Okay, I'm gonna call you back.

I'll talk to you later. Bye!

Hey, Max.

That... was my travel agent.

Just thinking about taking
kind of a post-cast trip

for when I'm ready
to get back out there,

but I don't know where to go.

Where should I go? You-- you have
any ideas of good countries

that are say, I don't know,
in South America?

No. Why are you
using a travel agent?

The only travel agent you need
is a time travel agent,

take you back to a time

when people still used
travel agents.

Yes. Max, keep it cool,
but you're jazzed.

Bolivia. What do you know
about Bovivia?

Mm, I heard it's beautiful.

In fact, Lonely Planet calls it

"the house that Raul Julia
built," and I'm caught.

I can't believe you've been
holding me hostage

in my own body cast!

You're "Misery"-ing me!

I'm sorry that
I'm "Misery"-ing you.

It's just, I'm so
hard crushing on Kent right now.

Oh, well, your precious Kent
is in for a crude awakening

when I tell him what
a horrible person you are.

You're right.
I done you dirty.

I done done you dirty, girl,
and I am sorry.

What do you say
you get back into bed?

Grab another sip
on the old tea.

We'll call the doctor.

And maybe we get this thing
taken off in the morning, okay?

Okay. But I have to say,
I am really... tired.

Tired.

I'm so tired of this--
tie-tie-- oh.

You sleepy-tead me.

Mmmm-hm.

Sleepington's,
nature's lullaby.

I guess now Kent will have
to do all those stretches

that he was supposed to do
on you...

on me.

But even four bags shouldn't
make me this... tired.

Mm. Lunesta.

Nature's Ambien.

You are a monster.

Ooh! There's Kent.

Fluff out the chesties.

What?

So basically, Alex and I are
like Tango and cazsh

or Franklin & cazsh
or Rizzoli & Isles in cazsh.

Now I know that last one
isn't that good

but she said it once,
and we both thought

it was really cute,
so we both kept saying it.

- Oh, cool. That sounds hilarious.
- Yeah.

And you guys are really okay
with each other

dating other people?

- It's totally cool.
- Dave!

Dave

you guys go here?

Al.

Who's this... enormous?

I'm Julian.

And?

I've been in Playgirl.

Hey, boobs.

No, just workin'.
On my hobbies.

Cute.

Why don't you take a breather

and meet me for drink?

Ah babe, you know I'd love to,

but I just, um, uh....
stepped into a bubble bath...

Ahh.

Oh, that is a much better idea.

I am gonna come so hard home
right now

and hop in that tub with you.

Uhh! We could
play Loch Ness monster.

Okay!

Stall her!

Aah! Hurry up!

Who's ready for
a Nessie sighting?

Hey!

It's about time, byabe.

I've been in this tub so long,

I'm starting to look like
a California raisin.

Ooh. Just let me slip into
something a little more naked.

Mmm.

Oh! Uhh!

- Oh, my God. Are you--
- Darn you.

Why are you in a suit?

Um... well...
Funny-- funny story.

Um, so you know I said
I haven't been working

- for the last three weeks?
- Mm-hmm.

Well...
I've been working

for the last three weeks.

Surprise!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.
Let me get this straight.

Hmm?

You've been lying to me
for three weeks?

Yeah, well, when you
put it like that, yeah.

Look, baby, I'm--
I'm sorry.

I love you?

No.

I want it!

Oh, yeah! Mm-hmm!

You feel that in the glute?

- Yeah.
- It's real tight.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Ahh. The music's pretty good, huh?
- Yeah.

It's my one-man experimental
band called Yoko Uno.

Oh. Nice.

Mm!

Kent? Kent!

Help... me.

Kent!

Max is "Misery"-ing me!

He's like Kathy Bates,
only way fatter!

Aah! Ohh!

You hear that?

Could be anything...

except for Penny, because she
is confirmed asleep.

Let's just crank up the Uno.

Please.

So... this is... nice.

Mm-hmm.

Karissa, uh, Dave tells me
that you're from Florida.

Yeah. Miami. Go, Heat!

Ahh.

Uh-oh.

Wait, wait. Wait.

This is obviously not working.

Seems like it's working
just fine to me,

- but don't overthink it.
- No, no.

Not that. I mean this whole
keeping-it-cazsh thing.

Honestly, I don't wanna
see anybody else.

Neither do I. I mean, when
I saw you with Karissa today,

it took everything
in my tiny body

not to slap the crunchy curl
out of her hair

and send her back to whatever
monster truck backseat

she was born in.

What makes you think she
was born in a monster truck?

She said she was from Florida.

You know, Wendy Williams said
something on her show yesterday

that really resonated with me.

She said, "Girl...

you cannot move backwards
in a relationship."

So what do we do, girl?

I guess we move forward.

Come here.

Be sure to show Penny
those stretches.

Yeah, definitely.

Hey, I don't know if
this would be weird,

but maybe you wanna go
get a drink sometime?

Yeah, I'd like that.
Call me, and, uh,

and tell Penny I say hey.

- Yeah.
- Tell her yourself!

Penny?

Max is a complete phony.

He has been "Misery"-ing me.

He lied about
my doctor's appointment,

then he drugged me
to be alone with you.

Then I escaped.

Then I got caught in this gate,
peed on,

and grafitti'd
by a bunch of kids,

although on the plus side,

I seriously think
this might be a banksy.

Max, is this true?

Yes, but, Kent,
I-I did it for us.

When we're together

and we're looking
into each other's faces--

You know what? Forget it.
I'm a skeeze.

Get the hell outta here.

W--

You wanna get a calzone?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Please, Pen, I'm sorry. It's
just, I'm boy-crazy right now.

You know what that's like.

You would've done
the same thing to me.

What?! I would never--

Oh. I actually did do
the same thing to you.

Tell him yourself!

Wow. We really are perfect
for each other.

You sure you're gay?

You tell me.
Right now I'm writing

a Hot In Cleveland spec script,

and I just had sex with Kent
in your powder room, so...

All the best ones are gay.

Or dating your friend.

Zip it. I thought
we were never gonna talk

about my whole Dave thing.

I don't even feel that way
about him anymore.

Although if Alex were to, say,
move away or become dead

and asked me to marry him
in her absence,

I would certainly consider it
for her sake

and for Dave's sake, but--

I was talking about
this hot guy Gregg that I met

who's now dating my friend Tim.

Oh. Me, too.

Sure, you are.
Come here.

Bring it in.

Can't do anything
but bring it in. I'm here.

Brad, shouldn't you be
getting ready for work?

Or do you have your suit on
under your robe? Huh?

Jane, I am really sorry
that I lied.

Whatever. I don't wanna hear
another word from you.

What about from me, baby girl?

Ahem.

Come on, skinny stack.
Brad's sorry.

Hear the man out.

- Oh, you have gotten really good at that.
- I know.

Babe, you were right about me

needing some time off,
so I quit that job.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Look, job or no job,

I just-- I want you to do
what's gonna make you happy.

I know. But listen,
spending all this time

working with Sinbrad
has made me realize something.

He's more than just a dummy.

Oh.

He's the perfect metaphor
for my life.

You see, Sinbrad is me,
and my job is my hand. Wait.

Not your best.

But I am done letting
work control me, okay?

And we'll never drift apart.

My byabe.

Boo bear.

Mmm.

Ain't no fun if the homies
can't have none.

Mmm! Mmm!

Ohh. Brad, you can leave.

♪ We all see ♪

♪ that having a secret job
didn't work out for me ♪

Oh!

♪ Jane was mad ♪

♪ and Brad
fell out of the bath ♪

I did.

♪ Meanwhile Max, huh ♪

♪ drugged
his good friend Penny ♪

♪ in a half-body cast ♪

♪ while Max gave Kent a blast ♪

♪ ebony and ebony ♪

♪ Dave and Alex
are dating casually ♪

Hold up. Where are
those two honkeys?

Hey, guys.

We're moving in together!

- Terrible idea.
- That's terrible.

That's a terrible idea.

- Oh, snap!
- What?