Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 21 - Four Weddings and a Funeral (Minus Three Weddings and One Funeral) - full transcript

Guys, how excited are you
for Derrick and Eric's wedding?

The most.

Do you guys realize that
their Brangelina name

is gonna be "Derric"?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
It could also be "Erick."

Whoa. Did we smoke weed?

Interesting fact
about Dave--

I have never been
to a gay wedding, so...

It's not an interesting fact...

And...

All weddings are pretty gay
when you think about it.



If you want to know
what else is gay,

you can visit my web site...

I tried to get .gov,
but it was taken.

Guys, can we just focus
on the wedding?

Okay, we all got hotel rooms
downtown for next weekend.

- Yes!
- Whoa. It's next weekend?

How could you forget?

Oh! Oh.

We're getting married, bitches!

And that was
just the save the date.

I haven't seen anything
that choreographed

since Colin Powell's
UN testimony on WMDS.

Am I right?

Are you really cleaning
underneath the couch,



or are you just waiting to slide
out with an outdated zinger?

I haven't seen anything
that unnecessarily complicated

since the third season of Lost.

Am I right?

Asking, "am I right?" Is not
gonna make it funnier.

Yeah, I'm loving it!

Guys, am I just
so excited to not be

at the singles table for once.

I finally have a date
to a wedding,

and I think
this is gonna be really good

- for me and Steve.
- And... time.

Three minutes and seven seconds

till she mentioned
the guy she's dating.

Who had three minutes?

I had 11 seconds, so...

For sure I thought she was
opening with it, so I'm out.

I had two hours.

Guys, that's not
a cool thing to bet on.

Three minutes.
Pay up, suckdogs.

- Make it rain.
- You guys talk about me

when I'm not around?

All the time.

So I'm finally getting in on
the inner circle with my boss.

I've kind of become
the aside guy.

Aside guy?

This fund gives us access
to European capital markets.

This project
will never see the light of day.

Better cash in your stock.

If I had to fire
everyone in this room,

who would go on
an office-wide killing spree?

It is permitted
to offer securities

using a simplified prospectus
that incorporates...

Berger.

He really would kill all of us.

Okay, here's me and Steve
on a romantic picnic...

At the beach.

Here's one of him sleeping,
sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

- So it's mostly sleeping?
- What? No.

Here he is resting,
dozing, snoozing.

Oh... God. I'm sorry.
Here I am, like, flaunting

the most intimate moments
of my relationship,

when some of us...

Don't have dates
for the wedding.

That is roof stoof.

Pennels, you are not gonna
stir the poop up, okay?

There is
no drama at this wedding,

and you know my motto--
"Save the drama

- for Wilmer Valderrama."
- Oh, no, no, no.

It's pronounced
Wilver Valmarondo.

- No, it's not. - So, what, now
my motto doesn't make sense--

"I want to buy a condo
with Wilver Valmarondo"?

- It never did.
- So, Penny, since you're gonna be up there

being a groomslady,

old Steve can sit
with the rest of us.

- Mm.
- Can't wait to get know him.

Wait. No one told Jane about
the wedding party situation?

What about it?

Everybody's in it but you.

Is that water?

And that's only
because we organized the party

according to height,
and I already had a 5'8".

I'm so sorry.

That's fine.

Quiet Jane is
the scariest Jane.

The world's
most dangerous Jane.

Uh...

'Cause I'm not doing it,
and, no,

I will not save the drama
for Michelle Obama, Derrick.

Good-bye.

He wants me to perform
with Mandonna at his wedding.

Mandonna?!

You guys were
one of my top three favorite

Chicago-based,
all-male Madonna cover bands,

right up there with Ma-Donald
and Material Earl.

Max, come on. You looked great.
You gotta do it, buddy.

Yeah, break out
the Madonna mole.

Mole! Mole! Mole! Mole! Mole!

Guys, enough!

That part of my life is over.

I hung up my cone bra
and headset a long time ago,

though I will always love
Sean Penn,

no matter how creepy and thin
his mustache gets.

He looks like

a hulked-out, 'roided-up
John Waters.

Due to rising energy costs,
we think this program

will help us hedge
our exposure.

This plan will never work.

Totally.

I'm cutting
the whole department.

Yeah, you are.

Why are you laughing?
This is your department.

- What?
- What?

Wait.
You're actually firing us?

Yes.

With no warning at all?

I've literally been
warning you for weeks

because I like you.
You're my aside guy.

- Oh.
- Well, you were.

Now you'd better get out
of here fast.

I'm about to give Berger
the bad news.

Wow. This place is sweet.

Luggage carts?
Uh, gracias, señor.

Business center?
Fax you very much.

I regret not traveling more.

It does look expensive.

Okay, sir. We have you booked
in our deluxe suite.

You also ordered
the embroidered pillows,

couples massage,
and a milk bath.

Awesome.
Uh, cancel all of that.

Okay.

Dude, what's going on, man?
You're the king of spa services.

Uh... I got fired.

- You got fired?
- Shh. Yeah.

But you're Brad.

You-- You've had a job
since you were 12.

You've had your whole life
planned out.

Yeah, bank $100 mill,
then become

the first black sheriff
on Mars...

Or Arizona.
Whichever comes first.

Oh, come on, man. Mars.

- Yeah.
- So how'd Jane take it?

So I canceled
all of your spa services.

Canceled?
Everything okay, boo?

Yeah.
I'm just upgrading, baby.

Yeah.
Hey, my man, uh,

throw in a couple
of bottles of champagne

and some smelly cheese.

Okay.

Real smelly.

I want to walk in the room
and think the maid dumped out...

- Ohh.
- And then realize, no,

that's just the great cheese
I requested.

Mm.

- Make it stink!
- Ooh!

"So bad it's good" cheese.

- Yeah, gimme dat funk...
- Unh!

And dis funk.

Mwah.
Ohh.

- So you didn't tell Jane?
- Hell, no, man.

So as far as cheeses go, we have
a great Reblochon series,

but the one
I'm most jazzed about is--

Stop talking to me
about cheese!

Did you say "jazzed"?

- Oh, hi, baby girl!
- Where's Steve?

Oh, he's just unpacking
his bags...

in a cabin on Lake Michigan
with his ex-girlfriend

because we broke up.

I am so glad
I don't get invested

in your boyfriends-of-the-week

that I only hear about
through dialogue.

He said
we weren't "wedding-ready,"

so then I said, "we need
to reassess this relationship,"

and then he said,
"it's too big a step,"

and then I said, "your sister's
got sloppy yabos."

Why do I always
go to slop-yabs?

I mean, why can't it just be,

"let's try
and communicate better"?

You guys,
I think this one's on me.

Just a little.

- Nice gift bags, huh?
- Hey.

I got a-- I got a chip clip
and, um, some tums.

What-- what did--

What did everyone get
in the wedding party?

I don't think anything
really special. I mean...

- I got a candle...
- Hold this.

Some chocolates-- Whoa!
Beats by Dre headphones!

- Oh.
- That's cool.

You know what?
'Cause I got--

I got earbuds
by DJ Jazzy Jeff, so...

- I can't...
- I want to be in the wedding!

You know what? It's--
It's that stupid 5'8" thing.

Who does Derrick have that's
better than me?

Oh, I think it's, like,
his brother.

I guess they just found
each other

after being separated
as infants.

They just met?

Oh, my God.
It's the Mandonna guys.

Hide me
under your unnecessary hat.

Max, what is your deal
with them?

Those guys are jerks.

Maxa-billion!

It's good to see ya.

Hey, we're gonna check in.

Then let us treat you to lunch,
all right?

- Later.
- Peace, brother.

Ugh. You hear them,
trying to push

their liberal lunch agenda
on me?

Elitists.
Eating three meals a day

as opposed
to one daylong "supermeal."

It's disgusting.

All right.

- Ooh.
- Tropic sunset.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.

Jane. Ow.

How Jean Dujardin do we
look right now?

So Dujardin.

God, you guys look amazing.
I look like an idiot.

- Help, help. Emergency! Guys...
- I need a 5'8".

Oh, my God.
Eric's hag jan--

You know the one
I was gonna phase out

right after the wedding--
She just came down

with food poisoning.

Foul play, one supposes.

Oh, come on.
Seriously?

She's been with me all day,
except for, like, five minutes.

Five minutes is plenty
of time for the black widow.

- You guys call me "the black widow"?
- Hey, hey, hey!

I don't have time for
this endless bantering, okay?

The back-and-forth--
It's exhausting.

I don't even know what
you're saying half the time,

- so slow down!
- Black wids.

- Yeah. - Do you want to be a part
of this wedding or not?

You show me to my tux.

Come on.

- Aah!
- Whoa!

Ye-llo!

♪

Give me love.

Whoa. I can barely feel
your body in there.

Let's do it, everybody!
Line up.

- This is happening. Here we go.
- Okay.

Wow. Look at...
Oh, yeah.

No, this is good.
Mm-hmm.

Smiles, everybody.

Okay, now do
a silly one! Bleh!

Ohh.
Look at Derrick and Eric.

Or should I say "Derric"?

Or "Erick"? Seriously,
we need to figure this out.

Do we?

I have a big favor to ask.

Yeah, I know.

You want me to get out
of this tux

'cause jan has a deposit on it.

I get it. I'm sad about it.
Am I sad?

Yeah, very sad, but I get it.

I get it. I get it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ahem.

I blew all my money
on the save the date,

and now I don't have enough
for everything at the reception.

Jan was gonna help me
hide it from Derrick,

but she got food poisoning.

I didn't do it!

- Nobody said you did.
- Right.

I just want Derrick
to have the perfect wedding.

Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.

First...

We're gonna slow down
these passed apps--

Every five minutes
instead of two.

We're gonna cut
the entrees in half,

and you know what?

I'm gonna need a guy
on the inside.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that soft body.
I can turn him.

You are one wily bitch.
Oh!

- Derr-bear, so I'm sure
it's an oversight... - Yeah.

But I didn't see
my nametag at the table

- with all my friends.
- Oh.

- I mean, I can just sit right--
- That's-- Uh, Penny, Penny.

Pentel Pentium Processor,

you are the life of any party.

Therefore, I have
a very special table for you.

Please, not the singles table.

The Skype table!

Your job is
to assist and facilitate

the conversation between all
the peeps who couldn't make it.

Hi-zees, friendsies!

Oh, my God. It's
the newest thing in weddings.

♪ Had to have it ♪

Had to have it.
All right.

Welcome to the future.

Yay. The Skype table.

This sooks! Am I right?

Oh. Uh, I was talking
to that guy.

Brian.

Uh, could you move me
back toward him?

Oh. Sure.

Hey. I'm Chris.

- Oh, hello.
- Hey, what happened?

They made you sit
at the Skype table?

I'm sorry.
That's a little sad.

Um... It's okay.

Lucky for me, I get to sit
at the cute girls table.

What? Who, me?

Hey, hey. Troy donahue,
back off, will ya?

I already called the broad
with the spectacular anthills.

No.

Why would you do that?

It's old-school.
I respect it.

- All right.
- What's your name?

Penny.

Hi, Penny.

Hello.

You look really pretty today.

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ I wanna take you there ♪

♪ in the midnight... ♪

Busted! I knew you wanted
to perform with Mandonna.

- Nuh-unh.
- Yuh-huh.

- Nuh-unh.
- Yuh-huh.

- Yuh-huh.
- Nuh-unh.

Yuh-huh.

Got you!

Look, those guys are great.

What is the deal?

Fine. It's not them. It's me.
It's just I-I used to be

this, like, super skinny, hot
front man lead singer, you know?

The guys wanted me.
The girls wanted to be me.

I could eat a whole pizza
and three chili dogs

without gaining a single LB.

And then I started
eating two whole pizzas

and five chili dogs, and I...

Turned into Tom Arnold.

It's just the Mandonna guys
look amazing,

and I still look like me...
Or Tom Arnold.

Max, you look amazing...

- Yeah.
- All right?

I know everyone thinks
I'm crazy beautiful, Alex,

but I don't feel beautiful
on the inside.

Clink!

Clink!

So, Chris...

Why couldn't make it
in person to this wedding?

Broke my leg ski-boxing.

It's, uh, it's a sport
invented by energy drinks.

And were you ski-boxing
with your wife

or with your girlfriend or...

I like the way you did that.

You acted like you were
interested in what I do

so you could get the skinny
on my relationship status.

- I'm busted.
- I am a veteran of the singles table.

As am I.

You know, after I heal up,
uh, maybe we could...

Ohh.
Maybe we could what, Chris?

Chris, maybe we could what?
Go on a picnic?

Watch each other sleep?

Ohh! I have
so many friends.

Pennel to the metal, big favor.

Ohh. My uncle Jerry--
He loves dancing.

Will you please take him
for a spin on the dance floor?

Please, please, please?
Yes, yes, yes, yes?

Great.

- Chris?
- Here you go.

P.S., his favorite dance is
the Lambada...

And it's not forbidden here.

Okay?
Watch. Bye-ee.

Chris?

You look like a hooker
I slept with in Korea.

Hey. So how's
the cover-up coming?

Well, I am almost done
doubling these apps.

I'm turning
these pigs in a blanket

into piglets in a binky.

So I actually wanted
to talk to you

- about something very--
- You know, I gotta say,

I have mixed feelings
about helping Eric

hide all this from Derrick
on his wedding day.

I mean, they say money issues

are the number one source
of marital problems.

Weird!

Anyway, I was just saying,
uh, don't forget

our hot stone massages
tomorrow.

I heard they're great here.

This look like brie?

Yeah, that looks like brie.

Good, 'cause it's a napkin.

That's weird, babe.

Hey, sweetheart, nice moves.

Hey, what kind of dance floor
are they working with, parquet?

Um, I don't know.

Uh, tilt me down so I can see.

- Okay.
- Uh, a little more.

Uh... oh, no, no, no.
Up a smidge.

Ohh! Seriously?
Uncle Jerry, really?

What can I say? You've got
a set of top-notch cans.

Fine. Okay.
Take a good, long look.

Keep your hands where I can
see 'em, please.

Mm, mm, mm.

- Hey, baby girl.
- Hey.

Listen, I came here to give you
a world-class pep talk.

That's a weird way
to set it up, but okay.

Max, life is a mystery.

♪ life is a mystery ♪

Everyone must stand alone.

♪ Everyone must stand alone ♪
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Shh!

I'm sorry. That doesn't fit
with this pep talk,

and actually,
"Life is a mystery"

doesn't really make
sense either,

now that I'm thinking about it,

but anyway, all of us are here
to support you.

Guys, your harmonies are
intoxicating,

except for you, pitchy Pete.
Pitchy as always, bud.

It's just I'm not
the same guy I used to be.

Max, none of us are.

Think this hair is real?
Cost me 25 grand.

Can I be honest with you?
I knew it wasn't real.

Max, I've had
three lap-band surgeries.

Now the third one
I had to go to Cooba to get

'cause it's super illegal.

I have missed
the way you say "Cuba."

You see? We all have issues,
but together,

you guys are still amazing!

And I know one thing
that still fits like a glove.

Oh, I hope
it's not a real glove,

'cause my hands are
hella swoll.

I ate a bunch
of cured meats and--

I don't know.

I can't perform with you guys.

I didn't even bring my costume.

Yes, I did! I'm in!

Yeah!

Pete, come on, man!
You're even pitchy on that!

And then uncle Jerry said,

"How many more dances
till I get to see the knish?"

Oof! A fitting end
to the year of Penny.

Listen, Penny, the odds
were stacked against you.

Who finds love
at the Skype table?

Penny, you might not
meet somebody tonight,

but you will meet someone.

- You promise?
- Yes...

As long as you promise
to stop slobbering

all over the champagne.

I can't promise that.

Penny, you are such a catch.

I mean, you are smart,
funny, beautiful...

Sexy, and you have always
had my back,

and I appreciate it.

Of course. I love you.

I love you, too.

I knew there was one missing!

Are you two trying to ruin
my wedding?

The-- the wedding?
Are you trying to ruin the w--

Are you trying to ruin
the wedding?

Don't eat the brie.

- Brad!
- All right!

Okay, so we can double
the champagne

by mixing it with antacids

and the bottle of whiskey
you're gonna steal

from the Irish wake upstairs.

So you're sending a black guy

to an Irish funeral
to steal their booze?

Good point. You know what?

I have foundation
and powder in the room.

We will do a real quick
white face makeover.

What am I saying?

What is wrong with me?

I mean, I should just

tell Eric to tell Derrick
the truth.

I mean, part of marriage
is being honest

and no judgments, you know?

Ohh. I'm so glad
you said that,

'cause I have something
to tell you.

Anything, boo.

- I got fired.
- What the...

Funky Cold Medina!

These pants
do not want to close!

So what happened,
Dave said he loved you?

Well, we both said it,
and then there was, like,

this, like, weird moment.

So what?
We all love each other.

A while back,

my therapist said
that I might sort of have

some unresolved feelings
for Dave.

What?

I know!

- I know.
- Penny...

One of them went up in my body.

Ohh. What do I do?

I don't know. Talk to Dave?

Talk to Dave? I mean, I'd have
to talk to Alex first.

Oh, my God.

Okay, so talk to Alex.
I don't know.

I'm really focused
on the pants here.

Look, I need you to suck in big-time, buddy.

Pen, I'm sucked in.

Oh.
Okay, this is gonna hurt.

- Yes!
- Got it!

- Ohh.
- Whoo-hoo!

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna talk to Alex.

Okay.

Oh, no.

I gotta poop.

Hey.

Hey. I was looking for you.

Um, could we-- Could I talk
to you for a second?

Yeah.

Al, get back in here.

Oh! Um, I didn't know
that-- that Dave was here.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna go.

No, wait.
Did you need something?

Um, you know what?
I just realized

it's really stupid.
It's...

It's really stupid.

Oh, was it that
the concierge guy

looked like
an Indian Martin Lawrence?

'Cause I thought he did.

Yes. That was it.

"Damn, Gina!"

"Damn, Gina."
Yes. Okay.

All right.
Okay. Bye-bye.

- See ya in a bit. Bye-ee!
- Okay. Bye-ee!

Was that Penny?

Yeah.
Here. Let me do that.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was just acting

a little weird.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

You don't think she thought

maybe something was going on
between us, do you?

No, I'm just helping you get
a stain out of your shirt.

Why would she think
something's going on?

I don't know.

Is something going on?

I don't know. Is there?

I don't know.

- You don't know?
- I don't know.

I don't know either.

I am so sorry
that I reacted that way.

I was just surprised,
and why wouldn't you tell me?

I just didn't want
to worry you.

I have never once worried
about you

or your ability
to take care of us.

What am I gonna do now?

It's like, for the first time
in my life,

I don't know
what's gonna happen next.

None of us do. I mean,
that's kind of the beauty of it.

Look at me. Two hours ago,
I wasn't even in this wedding,

and now I run this bitch...

And one of these days,

you are gonna run
whatever bitch you want to run.

Thanks, babe.

So how did the old, uh,
Derrick-and-Eric thing go?

Oh, I made 'em talk it out.

Black wids doesn't leave
anything undone.

No, you don't.

Mnh-mnh.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Penny.

Chris.

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Hey.

Chris! How did you--

I live here
in--in Chicago. I j--

When the laptop went out,
I was afraid that

I wouldn't see you again,
so I had a friend drive me over.

That is really just...
Amah-zing.

How do you feel about
dancing...

Uh, w-with a guy
in a-- In a wheelchair?

I love it.
Oh, my prom date was

one of those
murderball champions,

- so I'm here. I'm in.
- Get out. I love that game.

- Have you played?
- It's bringing back mems.

Yeah, a lot of contact,

but really fun.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe--

- That's-- Okay, that's, uh...
- Ohh.

Oops, I'm sorry.
This is gonna be fun.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ life is ♪

♪ a mystery ♪
♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ everyone must ♪

♪ ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ stand alone ♪

♪ I hear you call ♪
♪ ooh ♪

♪ my name ♪
♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ and it feels like ♪
♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ home ♪

♪ when you call my name ♪

♪ it's like a little prayer ♪

♪ I'm down on my knees ♪
♪

♪ you know I'll take you there ♪

♪ in the midnight hour ♪

♪ I can feel your power ♪

♪ just like a prayer ♪

♪ you know I'll take you there ♪

♪ just like a prayer ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪

♪ oh, I'll take you there ♪

♪ just like a dream to me ♪

♪ ah ♪

♪ just like a prayer ♪

♪ you know I'll take you there ♪

♪ just like a prayer ♪...