Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 20 - Big White Lies - full transcript

Tell me what you want.

You know what I want.

Oh, say it.
I want to hear you say it.

I want a porch.
A big, wide porch

- with weathered shingles.
- Ohh.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- And a dock.
- Mm-hmm.

A dark pine dock
that goes on forever.

Oh, my God!

Just buy a lake house already
so we can stop hearing

about your big, black dock.



Al!

Oh, I get it.

I was supposed to say
"big, African-American dock."

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

Better.

2012.

- Guys, scootch down.

Daphne Wilson.

Daphne Wilson? I haven't seen
her since fourth grade.

I ran into her last week.

She just moved back
into our neighborhood,

and already she cornered me
to go get tea with her.

Tea? What kind of loser
drinks tea?

- Ahem.
- Oh, no.



Damn it. She saw me.

I don't remember her being
that bad.

Well, it was easy for you
to avoid her

with your
fancy, freestanding house.

I had to live
across the hall from her.

Oh, my God. A tea party
sounds amahzing,

but I have a girl scout meeting
I totally can't reschedj.

I was never a girl scout,

but to keep her
from finding out,

I bought and resold samoas

until the GS of A sent me
a cease and desist letter.

What's so bad about her anyway?

She can never have

a meaningless convo
like a normal person.

She just keeps asking questions

like she actually cares.

Ohh. Sounds like a monster.

You'll see,
but I think I came up

with a pretty solid excuse

as to why I can't have tea
with her.

Penny, hi.
How's the turf toe?

Day to day.

Oh, my God!
Jane, Alex, hi!

- Hi.
- I haven't seen you in so long.

Congrats on your store.

I hear that
you're carrying a line

of wildly extravagant
hand creams.

I knew mom disapproved.
Why can't she ever just say it?

Choose your battles.

Guys, what if I bring tea up
to your apartment

and we catch up?

- Oh.
- We would love that,

but we can't have anyone
to our place.

Water damage. It turns out,
filling an air mattress

with water does not
a water bed make.

Oh, no. All right.
Well, catch ya later.

- Byes!
- Byes!

- Byes all around.
- Oh, thank God that's over.

Why didn't you just say
you were busy?

Because then she would know
I'm blowing her off.

A specific lie
spares her feelings.

Plus it's just easier,

and I'll probably never
even see her again.

- Hey, guys!

- Ow.
- Okeydokey.

I left my bag.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Crazy me.

- Catch ya later.
- Bye, girl.

- Ohh.
- Bye!

Just sneaks right up
on ya, huh?

Whoo!

Really, mom?

You show me a better price
on diamond-infused hand cream,

and I will match it.
I'm serious.

Oh, so you drink tea?

Who put this here?

Waiter.

Okay. Penny. Penny, wait.

Feel my hand.
It's diamond-soft.

Tell it to your mother.

Funny running into you here.

I came by to see if I could
help you with your water damage.

I-I know a lot about mold.

You are so sweet,
but it's all fixed.

New floors, new paint,

our vintage Italian
"analyze that" poster.

Sounds cool.
Can I come in and see?

Oh, that would be great,
but w-we were actually headed

- over to b-Brad and Jane's.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, I'd love to see them.
Can I come?

I mean to their lake house
for a couple days.

- Sounds fun. Can I come?
- You know, we'd love to invite you,

but darn it, we can't.

- Why not?
- Oh, uh, it's--

It's a 2-bedroom.
It's little.

- How little?
- So little, in fact,

the mice there are like,
"whassup?

It's crowded up in here, yo!"

They have little mice
that can speak?

No, it's just a turn of phrase.

Wow. That... was amazing.

All I did was
walk through the door.

No, I meant about last night.
Last night was amazing.

Oh.

Aha!
I told you, no subletters.

Damn it, Darren.
She's not a subletter.

She just stayed the night.

Yeah, well, you and Max have
so many guys and girls

parading around here,

it basically feels like
one subletter.

How many girls?

- A lot.
- No.

I, on the other hand, would love
to take you out sometime...

- Mm.
- Like a lady.

Like a gentleman.

Like a-- I would be
the gentleman,

and you would be the lady.

Thanks, but maybe
some other time.

Okay.

You blew that for me, man.

Damn it, Darren.
What is your problem?

Man, you're always hassling us.

You still haven't fixed
the oven.

Too bad, Casanova!
I'll fix it when I fix it!

I...

God.

Our stupid landlord
won't fix the oven,

and he keeps perving out
on my chicks.

Yeah? Well,
tell Darren to suck it,

'cause I just invented
something awesome.

Check it out--
The trash can stove,

or as I call it,
the "Trove."

Look at this brisket, huh?

Only took 18 hours to cook,

hickory-smoked,
falling off the bizone,

and straight out of the trash.

I'm gonna call it
a "Triskett."

Triscuit is already a thing,
and I'm pretty sure

the fumes from that
will kill us in our sleep.

Yeah, but you got to admit...

In your sleep's
a pretty chill way to go.

So you're staying
here for a few days?

I had to say something.
She literally cornered me.

Not cool, Penny.

Why did you have to say
our lake house is little?

Now she's gonna think we have
to hang our beach cruisers

from hooks in the kitchen
like savages.

So you lied to her face...

And now you're hiding out
in our apartment for three days,

all so you didn't have
to tell her

you don't want to have tea
with her?

I want her to think I'm nice.

- Why?
- Because schmoes like us

need people to think
we're nice.

It is all we've got.

The only people who can
get away with being mean

are rock stars
or brain surgeons

or Mr. Phil.

You mean Dr. Phil.

Come on. It's a PhD.
Everybody, calm down.

Al, you can't stay here.

Our landlord Darren's
already on us

about having
too many people sleep over.

But it'll be
like "Three's Company."

I'll be adorable Chrissy,
and Max can be hilarious Jack,

and you'll be Janet.

I'm not Janet.

Classic Janet.

Guys, stop it. This is not
"Three's Company."

Come on, a knock at our door.

I know you're in there!

It's our nosy landlord. Hide.

I know you're hiding
another girl in here.

I saw a cute blonde coming up
the stairs with luggage.

No, no.
There's no girl here.

She must have gone
to some other apartment.

Then whose purse is this?

Uh, that's, um, that's mine.

I told you, Darren.
I am a gay man.

Are you? Because I've had
my eye on you,

and you don't seem
very gay to me.

Well, I am... homosexual.

Super gay.

You had better be.

I don't know
why I care so much,

but I do.

- I do.
- Okay.

Great chat.

Whew!

Why are you nervous?
You are gay.

I know,
but you know that I love

low-stakes,
classic '80s sitcom danger.

That was a close one, Max.

Sure was, Alex.

Stretch.

Hi, Brad.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were gonna be
at the lake house.

Yeah, we were.

Doing a big addition,
by the way.

But why are you here?

Oh, we had to come back early.

Oh, no. Why?

Uh, Jane was sick.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

Jane is sick?

Is it serious?

No. I mean, Jane--
She was sick this morning,

but now she's fine.

Jane was sick this morning,
but now she's fine?

Is Jane pregnant?

Mm-hmm.

- Congratulations!
- Ouch!

Stop drinking wine
and eating soft cheese.

You're pregnant.

Damn it. Everyone's life
is moving on but mine.

She's not pregnant,
but I told Daphne you were,

and she's on her way up here.

Why would you tell her...

I'm pregnant?

I had no choice.
I had to explain why

we weren't at our lake house.

We don't have a lake house.

I know, but if she mentions it,

we're in the middle
of a big remodel.

- Okay.
- What? She literally cornered me.

Told you.

I just want her to think
I'm nice.

So now you're lying, too?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Okay.
This is ridiculous.

You two may be terrified of
people not liking you. I'm not.

We'll see about that.

Jane! Congratulations!
You're so tiny!

I couldn't even tell
you were pregnant.

You really do look great.

You can barely see
my baby in her.

Daphne, now is not really
a good...

Time.

I am thrilled that
you felt close enough

to tell me so early.

You know, when we were kids,

I always had the impression that
you didn't like me too much.

I-I-I always liked you.

I knew it!

I always had a suspicion
that you were secretly nice.

- I am nice.
- You are.

Now you have to let me
throw you a shower.

I would love that,
but you can't.

Why not?

Alex is already
throwing me one...

Tomorrow.

Wow. Why so early?

Serbian tradition.
We always do things early,

'cause we never know when
we're gonna have to pack up

and murder a populace.

I love cultural traditions.

Yeah, they're fun,
so, yeah, it's just gonna be

a small, intimate gathering
at Alex's, you know,

type of deal,
sort of vibe thing.

No. You can't do it at Alex's.

The new paint fumes are bad
for the baby.

That's a good point.
Thinking about the baby.

I have the best idea!

We should do it
at my friend Kat's restaurant.

I'll co-host with Alex,

and then you can make it
as big as you want.

Too generous... you are.

I'm gonna make the call
right now and get to planning!

Yay! Wait.

Great.
I'm gonna have a baby shower.

Yay! Wait.

Wait! Wait.

I can't co-host
a fake baby shower for Jane

with Daphne for you.

But-- but you have to!

Daphne is almost here,

and you're only one childlike
enough to believe it could work.

I know,
and I love that about me,

but I can't host
a fake baby shower.

That's gotta be
bad luck somewhere.

Okay, fine, so you want me

to just tell Daphne that
you won't host it with her?

But then she's gonna think
I'm mean.

Or you can say you'll do it
and seem nice.

- I'm in.
- Yes!

This is gonna be fun.

I'm gonna get
a penis-shaped cake

and a penis pi?ata.

It's a baby shower.
It's not a bachelorette party.

Right.
Right, right, right, right.

So what kind of penis stuff
should I get?

Oh, God. Daphne's here.

She cannot know
that I am behind this!

The plan or the counter?

Both!

- Hey!
- Al!

Are you as psyched as I am

to be planning this together?

Yeah. Sure am.

Oh, no.
You're ambivalent...

- Huh?
- And I know why.

Seeing Jane married
and pregnant has made you

regret turning down
the world's greatest guy.

John Krasinski?

- Dave. I always had the biggest
crush on him. - John Krasinski?

- No. Dave.
- Oh, right.

Anyway, I can't believe
you would break Dave's heart.

I mean, I always thought
you were too nice

to do something like that.

No, I am nice.
Uh... I'm a lesbian.

Great! Congratulations!

Thank you.

So then you wouldn't mind
if I asked Dave out?

Uh, no...
You don't want to do that.

Why? What's wrong?

He's dying.

It's terminal.

Oh, no.

Let it out.

Dave!

Dave, do you remember
Daphne Wilson from grade school?

I knew it!

That's the blonde I saw
from before.

Nice try sneaking another
girlfriend in here, hotshot.

Hey, I'm not just some blonde.
I'm a bottle blonde.

Really?

Your hair looks
so creamy and natural.

Uh, well, it's not,
and he's not my boyfriend.

Wow. Really? Okay.

Um, I was-- Then maybe
I could make things up to you

over, um, dinner sometime,
like, just...

- Oh. - You know,
whenever. Like, uh, it could be any--

- No, sorry. Maybe some other time.
- Any night that you want.

- Oh, another time then. Okay.
- Yeah, another time.

- Another time.
- But, uh, all right. Great. Okay.

- Okay. - But, uh, okay.
That'll be-- That'll be fun.

Okay. See you.

Hey. Darren. When are you
gonna fix our stove?

I'll fix it when I fix it.

Crap.

- Damn it!
- What?

You couldn't have led him on
until he fixed our stove?

That's what Chrissy
would have done.

Max, life is not like
"Three's Company."

Aah!
There's that pesky Daphne.

Hide! Aah!

My trapple pie!

Why did you tell her
I was dying?

I wanted to save you
from having to go out with her.

Ohh.

What's so bad about her,
anyway?

Well, it's hard to say, really.
I mean, she's really nice.

She's sweet.

- She's--
- I get it. Ugh.

I am not letting her think

that I am dying.

I get to hide again.

I get to hide you!

Dave. Hi.
It's been a long time.

You look better
than I expected.

I brought you some hot soup
and some ice chips,

and you call me
if you need anything else.

I'm Max.

Hi. How are you?

I lost all my money
to Bernie madoff.

Oh, you poor thing.

I wanted to be included,

so I came up with a lie.

Phone, please.

It is great...

To see you up and about.

I pumymy number in your phone.

You call me
if you need anything else.

Look, I'm not dying.

That's the spirit.

Ow.

Byes!

Good-bye.

It was
so nice of you to come here.

Thank you so much for being such a good...

She's a demon!

Guys, things have gotten
a litte out of control,

but I know what we need to do.

Put an end to this insanity?

Get our stories straight.

I told so many lies
when I was kid,

the only way I could
keep track of them

was to write them all down
in my greetings feline diary.

Greetings feline?

Look, we didn't all have
a fancy, freestanding house

filled
with real hello kitty shwag.

- Sorry.
- Anyway...

I called it my "lie Bible"
or.."L"lible."

Idiot. A "libel" is
already another thing.

Dude, you're trying
to patent triscuit.

- How about you step off?
- David, don't.

Okay, Alex, you need to dress
like a lesbian.

- Yep. I'm gay.
- Jane, you're three months along.

No, I am not pretending
I am pregnant anymore.

This is not
eighth grade gym class.

Throwing a shower
for a fake baby is insane.

Come on, Jane.
Who loves to be the center

of attention more than you?

No one. Brad, you love improv
and tiny clothes.

I can't think of another couple
that is better suited

to make a mockery out
of such a joyous occasion.

Aw.

- Let's do it.
- Yeah.

Aha!

Aha!
An unlicensed cooking device.

I have been looking
for a reason

to get you hotshots out
of this building,

and now I got the grounds
to do it.

Whoa. Take it easy, baby.

Where's all this anger
coming from, huh?

Is it really about
a serious danger

to the building
and all its tenants,

or is it really about some kind

of deep-seated loneliness
and fear?

Loneliness and fear.

That's what I thought.
I also happen to think

that you are pretty
into my friend Alex,

and I happen to know that
she is pretty into you.

No, she is not. Uh, she--

"Maybe some other time" is
a blow-off, and I know it.

We will be at this party later,

and I know for a fact
that she would love

to see you there.
Really?

Yeah, Alex loves guys
that show up

at baby showers uninvited.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Okay.
What else does she like?

Salsa.

The dip or the dance?

Both.

- All right.
- Yeah. Why don't you take this?

- Okay. Oh, wow. All right. Thanks.
- Yes.

- That's her favorite kind of salsa.
- Yeah. No, that's cool.

Saves me a trip. Yeah.

Oh, and you know what?

Try to switch it up
with the wardrobe, huh?

'Cause right now
I can't tell the difference

between your skin
and your shirt and jacket,

you know what I mean?

Hey, top gun.

Man, I can't do this.

Daphne's a nice person.

I'm just gonna go tell her
the truth.

Listen, if we don't go through
with this baby shower,

then Darren won't hook up
with Alex,

and then he's gonna kick us
out of the building.

No, that is a crazy plan.

I know,
but this is a crazier plan!

Max!

Max, come on, man.

What are you doing?

Bye-ee!

Max.

Max!

Yeah. I think it did kick.
You're right. You're right.

Hi.

- Hi, hi.
- Ohh.

So apparently
I'm carrying high.

I don't know what that means.

- Aren't you just loving it? Great shower.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I love it.
I mean, it's incredible,

but I still can't believe
that you would rather

go through all this trouble
than just tell Daphne the truth.

Trust me.
It's easier this way.

Jane, love your co-worker Susan.

Well, we love Jane.

Don't take
too long a maternity leave,

or we'll cry more
than the baby.

Susan.

Get out of here, you two.

Ohh. Off you go.

Who the fuzz was that?

She's
a professional seat-filler.

Yeah. I paid them all $20
to mingle festively

and respond to social cues.

Plus they-- they do get
first dibs on centerpieces.

Oh, no.

A suit? Why does
a baby need a suit, huh?

Is he, uh,
what, does he have a job?

He's not fooling abobody.

He's a baby!

Tell him not
to cut the tags off.

They all have to go
back tomorrow.

Okay, okay.

I'm cutting these tags.

I'm never giving this back.

Hey, everybody!

What are you doing?

I'm Ellen.
"Oh, boy."

I figure,
if I gotta be a lesbian,

might as well go straight
to the top.

You... are... insane.

Am... I?

Alex, I want you to meet
my friend Kat.

You guys are gonna love
each other.

Hi.

Hey. Let's grab a drink.

Great.

I met somebody.

Oh, God.

You see,
the beauty of the machine

is that it cooks the food

while it incinerates
the magazines.

I'm basically
a young, handsome Ron Popeil.

Max, where's Dave?

I had to leave him at home.

He was threatening to blow up
this whole operation,

so I had to go
"Ghost Protes" on him.

He needs to be here!

Yeah,
well, he is not here, so--

Max, hi.

God.

Where's Dave?

Daphne, he took a real turn
for the worse.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.
Well, I'm gonna go call him.

God!
Now she's gonna call him,

he's gonna tell her the truth,

and she's gonna realize
what terrible people we are!

Relax. I stole his phone.

You're not the only one...

That's good at this game, Emily Thorne.

Seriously, stop freestyling
and leave the lies up to me.

Fine. Then you figure out how
to get my landlord Darren

to hook up with Alex.

What? No! Not today.

Alex is busy pretending
to be a lesbian.

Damn it! I forgot!

That means Dave and I are gonna
be out on the streets.

I'm gonna have to find a trumpet
and learn how to play it

so a local music producer finds
and discovers my talent.

Dave won't have it so good.

He's gonna be living
his life on the rails--

The cocaine rails.

Unfortunately, he will
also be living on a train,

making it extremely difficult
to do cocaine,

- 'cause you're bumping around--
- All right.

- Please let me handle it!
- You need a--

Just go and stall him!

Oh, no, they di'in't.

Mm!

- Who's he kidding now, huh?
- Hyah!

What you gonna do,
bust through some wood?

He's not a black belt.
He's a baby!

- What the hell is this?
- Oh, my God.

It's a breast pump.

You'll need it
when you go back to work.

I don't know that I'm gonna be
breast-feeding.

Uh, yeah, you are.

Plus you're probably not
gonna want to go back

to work for a while.

How do you know what
I'I'll want?

Just want me to stay at home...

And just pump my canisters?

Technically, if you stay home,

you won't need to pump
your canisters.

Okay. Shut up, Susan.

Alalex, I need you out here now.

Times have a-changed, ok??

Lesbians can use
the ladies' room now.

Deal with it.

Listen, dope,
I need you to go out there

and tell Max's landlor
that you'll go out with him.

But Kat and I are
hittin' it off!

Well, so just pretend to be
straight for ten minutes,

and then you can go back
to being gay.

It's not a choice.

Ow! No.

This isn't
"Three's Company," okay?

You can't just transform
a person

by undoing a button
and a ponytail.

Forget it.
She's not even here.

Yes, she is.
Look.

Wow.

Go to her.
Alex loves a spicy dip.

The food or the move?

Both.

Stop dancing.

But he's dancing.

I gotta hand it to you, Pen.
I am really impressed.

You had a lot of plates
in the air,

and you kept 'em all spinning.

Well, it's all thanks
to my old lible.

Really gave me the confidence
to pull this thing off.

Don't tell me
how to raise my baby!

Well, if that's how you feel,
raise it yourself!

No! You guys have to stay
together for the baby.

There is no baby!

Uh...

What's going on?

I can explain.

Alex, what are you doing?

Why are you dancing
with this guy?

Because I'm Ellen...
And I'm straight.

So you're not attracted to me?

No.

So you're attracted to me.

- Nope.
- Okay.

What's going on?

Stop!

Dave, what are you doing
out of bed?

You look worse than ever.

I'm not dying.

I was just locked up next to
a fume-emitting death machine.

Okay, I'm still working out
some of the kinks...

But it is
a culinary game-changer,

I'm tellin' ya.

Penny, what's going on?

I've been lying to you, Daphne,

and I was so worried about
hurting your feelings

that I got everyone else
to lie to you, too.

The truth is...

I don't want to have tea
with you.

Tea? What tea?

- From last week?
- Yeah...

And intermittently
over the last 21 years.

Do I talk about tea that much?

You do.

That is a fact.

So you paid all these people
to be here?

Yes, except the caricaturist.

Thanks, Ira!

I am so sorry again.
You must hate me.

No. I just don't understand why
you wouldn't tell the truth.

I don't want to have tea
with someone who doesn't want

to have tea with me.

I would love to have tea
with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'd like that.

You know what, Daphne?
Let's get that tea.

Maybe some other time.

Whew! We dodged a bullet.

Now I don't
have to get tea with her,

and she still thinks I'm nice,
but I've learned my lesson.

Nothing good ever comes
from lying.

Well, actually something good
did come from it.

It made us realize there's
something missing in our lives.

We're not entirely ready,
but, I mean, who is, right?

So...

We're just gonna go for it.

Guys...

We're buying a lake house.

Yes!

We're gonna be weekenders!

I claim top bunk!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Lake house!
Lake house! Lake house!

Lake house! Lake house!
Lake house! Lake house!

Tired of cooking
in a conventional oven?

Tired of preparing
the same old foods

the same old way at the same
old consistent temperature?

Well, then the trash stove t.M.
Is for you!

But don't just blatantly
trust me.

Ask my buddy Dave.

Keep that thing away
from me, dude.

Trash stove TM.
It'll cook anything--

Goats, Chinese food,
you name it.

FDA patent approval pending,
but, hey, they haven't said no.

The trash stove TM.
Set it and forget it.

Don't forget it.

You gotta keep an eye on it,
or it will burn your house down.

The trash stove!