Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 19 - You Snooze, You Bruise - full transcript
Dave is bullied by a guy at the gym.
Now if we're talking anaerobic exercises,
that's a completely different story,
because you're actually using
your own body weight,
which is an extremely efficient
form of strength training.
What's happening?
What's happening is
that Dave is joining my gym,
so I'm gonna become his new fitness guru.
No, he's not, but I am gonna
get ripped. Deal with it.
- I'm confident we can deal with it.
- You go to the gym?
Mm-hmm.
- An exercise gym?
- Oh, yeah.
I love the gym...
the steam room, the smoothies,
the free 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.
Haven't heard you mention working out.
Oh, I'm a gym rat.
I practically live there.
But do you exercise there?
You know what else I love?
Wearing gym clothes.
People see you on the street,
they feel bad about themselves.
Did they hit the gym today?
No. Did I? Yeah.
But what did you do there?
Also pretty great... gym shoes.
Okay, someone shoot me a text
on how this shakes out.
I have a ton to do
to get ready for my meeting
with the homeowners association,
of which I am...
- 2-term president.
- The vote of which was...
- Unanimous.
- - So we're building a roof garden,
and of course I have to do everything,
but you know what? With the H.O.A.,
it just makes more sense to give
one person complete power
to suppress opposition and criticism.
I think you just said
the definition of fascism.
Look, this is nothing new.
Jane has always been
the president of everything...
student body, National Honor Society,
our immediate family.
It's true. But I'm secretary of state,
so that means only four people have to die
for me to become president. Ha!
And Jane running the building
means i'm first gentleman.
People stand a little taller
when I get in the elevator,
and Mr. Olsen gives me a ham every month
to maintain his plush parking spot.
- Ugh. Politics.
- Get ready, America,
because there are two black men
in office up in hea!
Actually, there's... there's a lot more
than two black men in office.
Whoa. Dial back the rage, Dave.
You had your day.
Ohh. You guys are so good.
I'm definitely not making it
to the gym today.
Pen, you really gotta start
taking care of yourself, okay?
Max, why are you dressed like
Josh Brolin from "The Goonies"?
- You noticed!
- Of course I did.
She noticed!
I did, too. I just didn't
want to say anything.
Get out of here.
Happy Endings 2x19 - You Snooze, You Bruise
Original air date March 21, 2012
Wow, Max.
I'm impressed.
You really know
how to lead by example.
Yeah, well, my way works for me,
and that's what's important.
You know, Dave. If you're not interested,
I'll go check in with my clients
that value my expertise.
Hey, yo, Derrick! I love the way
you're keeping it active.
Always be moving.
Check this out. Curls for the girls,
thighs for the guys,
and bi's for the bi's.
- Ah.
- Hey, D-rock,
you're not actually paying
this guy, are you?
Oh, no, no, no. He's paying me.
J.K. Actually, he owes me $900.
Drama!
Seriously, how do I get him to pay me?
I'm behind on rent.
It's, like, real drama.
You're probably not gonna
see that money, buddy.
Damn.
Oh. Uh...
Just working yourself in. That's cool.
I was... I'll just jump in on the next set.
You'll jump in when I say you can, bitch.
I'm sorry. What?
I said... walk away.
Oh. Uh... yeah. That's cool.
I'm... I'll just...
I... I can be done. I've just got
some lat thing going here.
I got a lat attack! I'll just... I could...
Did you hear
that guy just call me a bitch?
Yeah, and not in a good way,
like...
"Hey, bitch! Oh, my God!
Your skin's amazing."
"I want to cut your face off. I hate you."
This is the problem with gyms, man...
dudes like that trying to impress girls.
Oh, no, no, no. Corey's gay.
Yeah, he hits on me all the time,
I just never reciprocate,
'cause, you know, I could do
so much better.
Eh... he's kinda your ceiling.
Eh... he's kinda my floor.
The second floor, if you're
standing on the first floor.
Well, you know,
you're both fat.
Yeah. He's kind of a strong fat.
Yeah, right. I'm strong. He's fat.
He's strong. You're fat.
Fat is fat.
Look, the point is, you only thought
he was straight because he's a bully,
but us gays can be anything we want, son...
lawyers, congressmen,
murderers, dentists...
Life coaches for rich people's pets.
It's a thing. Get into it.
Thanks for all your help, everyone.
We are gonna have the best rooftop garden.
It is gonna be just like
"The Secret Garden,"
but without that super sick kid, right?
- Ugh.
- - Jane.
Get this. I decided
I'm gonna learn to play golf.
That's a dumb idea.
God, the pill's making me crazy.
Jane, a couple of us had some other ideas
about the rooftop garden.
Well, I'm pretty sure I covered
everything with my poster,
but go ahead.
We thought it might be nice
to have these elderflowers,
'cause they grow these beautiful berries.
Ooh, berries.
Nice, right?
Huh. Michael, that could be a good idea.
Except for when those berries
attract pigeons and rats,
and they poop everywhere.
You know, it just takes
one person inhaling
a little bit of poop dust,
and we've got
a full-on hantavirus outbreak,
but you know what? In that one week
before we're all immobilized by disease,
we could enjoy some really nice berries.
Ooh, berries.
I guess I hadn't thought this through.
Yeah, I guess you hadn't.
Why don't you focus less on killer berries
and more on parking
your Maxima inside the lines
in the garage?
I'm so sorry.
No. Don't be. We... we all do things.
All right.
His idea was terrible.
Haven't you ever heard the expression,
"you catch more flies with honey"?
Technically, you catch more flies
with a commercial fly strip,
with its combination
of pheromones and a chemical adhesive.
Far and away your best bet.
You seem really stressed.
Okay, how about the next time,
before you just lose it
on someone, you sleep on it?
See what happens.
Everything's much clearer
the next morning.
That makes no sense.
I'd lose all my steam.
There's no way I can stay
fired up for that long.
That's the point.
Remember when I was gonna file
that noise complaint
against my neighbor's cockatoo,
but then I slept on it?
The next day, I bought that bird
a clementine, which it choked on.
Problem solved.
Think about it.
Not my jam.
Do I have to go repark my car?
So he definitely didn't say it
in a good way, like...
"Hey, bitch."
"Your hair is glowing, okay?"
"Where'd you get that deep condition?"
"I swear to God..."
No, but who cares
what that guy thinks anyway?
He doesn't even wipe down
the machines. He's such a jerk.
Yeah, he's totally a jerk.
Like, a super hot, dangerous jerk.
- What?
- What?
Dude, what? Did I...
was I speaking out loud?
Sorry. I was never into him before,
but something changed for me this morning.
I love bad boys, like Will Smith
in the movie "Bad Boys"
or even Martin Lawrence
in "Big Momma's House."
Or Tea Leoni in "Bad Boys."
What? I like my bad boys with vaginas.
You know, it doesn't matter.
The problem is solved.
I did the mature thing.
You talked to the manager.
My gym experience was being ruined,
and a manager needed to be informed.
What Dave doesn't realize
when he's running his mouth
is that snitches get stitches.
Oh. There it is.
Your bully mentality is back.
What? You were a bully?
- Yes.
- But you're so tiny.
You're so small.
You're the smallest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
"Girl, I'll get you!"
"Come here! Come here!"
- What, you want some?
- Whoa.
She got her growth spurt
earlier than the other kids.
I'm gonna need that soda,
your glitter headband,
tomorrow's spelling homework,
and 50 cents to buy
a unicorn eraser from the school store.
Eddie Kang! I know you are not
on my slide right now.
I am not like that anymore, okay?
And as a recovering bully,
I know that we're all bark and no bite.
Dave, you need to stand up
to him. He'll back down.
Whatever happened to Eddie Kang?
We actually dated a couple years later.
He got taller, and I got boobs.
That is a fact.
So... this is what we're doing now?
It's homo slo-mo.
Cooling down is one
of the most important parts
of working out.
Plus, "homo" rhymes with "slo-mo."
And lake Como. Clooney has a house there.
Dave, Corey has something he wants to say.
Hey, I'm really sorry about the other day.
I was in a bad mood,
and I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
I should have taken it out
on that Stairmaster...
'cause this place is not about anger.
It's about fitness.
Thanks, man. Stop the violence.
Increase the peace.
Or as my bumper sticker says, "coexist."
Wow. That's a great message.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Gunnar.
- Good trainer.
- He's a great trainer.
Great dad.
Did you tattle on me?
Oh, I'm so conflicted.
Haven't you heard? Snitches get stitches.
How is this a phrase that
everybody's heard but me?
You step in here again, rock-steady,
and I'll kick your ass.
Do you think he thinks about me?
I mean, he's, uh...
he's, um, he's a bad...
he's not a... he's...
Ow!
Penny.
Hey.
I was just beboppin' in the neighborhood,
and I was wondering, any fallout
from your interaction
with Michael the other day?
What? No. We're fine.
Cool, cool, cool. It's just that
I found this in your lobby.
Twist! Michael's running
against you for president.
Well, uh... well, that's... fine.
You know what?
It'll be nice to have
a friendly rival to defeat.
You know, it's not like we're enemies.
His slogan is "help me
destroy our common enemy."
"Be heard. Be respected.
Be allowed to suggest,"
"oh, I don't know, a berry tree."
Um, when was this photo taken,
and why are you making
the Kobe Bryant intensity face?
Jane, none of this would have happened
if you had just slept on it.
Please will you just give it a try?
Chilling out a little could be good
for our political image, babe.
People like a relaxed leader...
instills confidence,
makes them free and easy with their hams.
Mm.
Stephanie.
Did you get my message about the gazebo?
We could buy it from my cousin's company.
- I brought some pamphlets for you.
- - Mm!
I did get your message,
and you know what?
It made me want to absolutely...
mnh...
sleep on it.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great.
Okay, thanks.
Great, great,
great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great.
Mm-hmm. Same face.
Brad.
Mnh-mnh.
I feel...
great!
I mean, look at these.
Any of these gazebos would do.
Sleeping on it is amazing.
You gotta try it.
I was trying.
Try it again. I'll watch.
Are you doing it?
Bitch, it is 5:30!
Dave? What are you doing here?
It is not safe.
What if Corey sees you and he yells at you
and it's too sexy,
and then he and I fall in love?
I'm gonna do what Alex said.
I'm gonna stand up to the guy.
- You got my back?
- No.
Corey, can we talk?
Of course.
We were born with mouths,
weren't we?
Listen, man. I think I know
what this is about.
You were probably bullied as a kid,
possibly because you're gay.
Uh, I think it's time that
we have a conversation
with 10-year-old Corey
and tell him to stop pushing people away.
Hi, little Corey.
You got a buddy... this guy.
Ohh!
Ohh! Oh, my God!
Damn! Punched you in the eyeball!
Oh, my God. It was crazy.
I mean, it was like watching
an episode of "Real Club Girls
of Atlantic City."
I mean, Dave was all like...
"Theresa,
grab that girl's weave,"
because it is just too..."
God, I am spending way too much time
with Derrick.
Well, thanks a lot, Al.
I stood up to him,
and he didn't back down.
What do I do now?
Well, if I was still a bully...
which I no longer am,
'cause I've worked through that...
I'd throw a free weight in his face
and then knock out
50 push-ups to celebrate.
As much as I'd like to see that,
'cause you know nothing delights
me more than enraged exercise,
I think the safest thing
for Dave to do is quit the gym.
No. No, I am way too proud to quit.
Plus I already tried,
and it didn't work out.
Now I see that your name tag
says "manager,"
but do you happen to have a manager?
There's only one thing that's gonna work.
You gotta go back
to the gym and fight him.
You know what? You are right.
I am not going down without a fight.
I am gonna march back down to that gym,
and I am getting out of my contract.
- Oh, no, s... no.
- I meant...
Yeah, she said...
- meant more of, like, a f...
- When...
So she's been doing
this all day... just lounging?
Yeah. Sleeping on it worked.
Yeah, it did.
She is a totally different person.
I can get away with anything now.
Hey, babe. I took your "Atlantic Monthly"
into the bathroom
while I was doing my business.
Mm.
- I was poopin'.
- Great.
Awesome.
She doesn't care.
She doesn't care.
What are all those papers you got there?
I put up a suggestion box in the lobby
to try to integrate feedback,
'cause everyone's opinion is valid.
That's my easygoing president.
That's a funky switchabout.
Babe, everybody's lovin' the box.
They're really feeling heard.
I'm proud of you.
Take that, Michael.
Pow!
You know, I gotta say,
I love goin' with the flow,
you know, rollin' with the punches...
Just flyin' by the seat
of my very, very chill pants,
you know what I mean?
Well, if any pants could fly,
it would be those.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Now watch this.
Look at this delicious plate of nachos
I found, everybody.
I think I'm gonna have some
while sitting on this couch.
I would like some chips...
- You can have some.
- ...and some oily, unruly cheese.
Ooh, they taste better the further you are
from the napkins, I've found.
- Ah.
- Oh, look. Look, Jane.
"Man On Wire."
Uh-oh. I hope he doesn't fall.
Uh-oh.
I'm sorry.
I... oh, God.
Ohh. Let's get into that.
- That is some...
- Jane.
- No, no. Jane.
- Ohh.
- Jane.
- No.
Oh, my...
Oh, that's just...
- Ohh. Oh, that... that is just nasty.
- - It's really hot.
- Mmm. Mmm.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah. You tell the manager I'll wait.
I'll wait here all day long,
if that's what it takes.
You do not want to get
into a patient wait-off
with this guy, bro.
Hey, big bird. What are you doing?
The weights are supposed to go up, silly.
What are you working on,
your upper failures?
- Yeah, I'm funny.
- - This is wrong, man.
- Hey, dingus.
- Hello.
Your ball looks swollen.
I'm worried about you.
You should get that thing removed.
Why?
- Okay. This ends now.
- Corey.
Back for more, dum-dum?
Yes, I am. I am sick and tired
of you pushing everybody around.
We need to go mano a mano, compadre.
¿Comprende? ¿Verdad?
I don't speak Spanish.
I'm saying that
we should fight, all right?
Me and you... tomorrow,
3:00 P.M., out front.
Let's do it, you little monkey.
Really? That was your monkey?
Again? You're trying again?
That was awful. I could do
a better monkey than that.
Do it.
Better monkey!
You tell the manager
- I'll call him back...
- on my time.
Babe, did you go grocery shopping today?
'Cause there's nothing in here.
No, I didn't get around to it.
I was too busy just kickin' it,
but I think there's some, uh,
leftovers in the crisper.
Leftovers in the crisper?
That's not where those go.
That's for crispy stuff.
Well, why don't you hit up
the grocery store?
Because you said I'm not allowed
to go shopping alone.
Eh. You'll be a'ight, dawg.
Don't call me that.
Ooh. Some people are pushing
for pink gravel in the garden.
Uh-huh. That could work.
I'm gonna go take a nap, think about it,
maybe buzz one out.
"Buzz one out"? That's
a weird way to say "snoring."
Oh! Hey, Mr. Olsen.
I am so glad to see you.
And you brought my monthly ham.
Great, 'cause I am starving,
and I am so scared to go shopping.
No, this isn't for you.
- What?
- I'm here to discuss how
everything's falling apart
in this building.
Packages are being left in the lobby.
There are unauthorized flyers
on the bulletin board.
Someone's offering math tutoring.
You can't run a business
out of your house.
Well, you know, Jane was
just trying to be open
to people's suggestions, and...
Oh. Uh...
Well, you guys gotta earn your hams.
Did he just slam my door in his face?
So Dave is really gonna fight a guy?
Our Dave?
The same Dave who wept during
Jeremy Renner's Oscar speech?
How is that gonna work?
I don't know. I guess he's gonna have
to sit on the guy's back
so he can't breathe
and shove his face in the dirt...
or at least that's what someone could do.
Whoa, Brad. You're lookin' funky.
Yeah. I'm am wearing cargo shorts
because all of my pants are
in the dry cleaners,
and I don't know which one we go to.
It's... kind of a decent look.
Yeah. My top half is
at a museum fund-raiser,
and my bottom half is
selling veggie burritos
in a parking lot outside...
a Widespread Panic concert!
No, that is... accurate.
Penny, I want the old Jane back.
Okay, I know I turned her this way...
but I don't know how to turn her back.
I do.
How's it goin', Jane?
Well, I'm being held
in a chair against my will,
but... I'm cozy.
I'm sorry.
Looks like your old pal Stephanie
has a bunch of great ideas
for your roof garden.
Here's my favorite...
a family of plastic gnomes.
She calls them "The Tinytons."
They've got a mailbox, Jane!
You know what? I might just
take a nap on it right now...
Bang out a quick fiver right here.
Don't let her, Penny.
You didn't tell me I was
gonna have to do this.
Penny!
Wake up, slut.
And that's not all.
You haven't even weighed in
on the gazebo yet,
and the options are way worse
than you thought.
They're novelty gazebos, Jane.
Novelty.
It's like the idea
of a gazebo is, like, some big joke.
Oh.
Shut your mouth, Penny!
And you always make
my haircut appointments, Jane.
It's been days. Look at all this hair.
I look like Gene Wilder.
I'm a monster.
And the trash hasn't been
picked up in days.
It may never get picked up again,
but I'm sure Michael could
handle that, right, Michael?
No, I don't want to handle that.
I'm so sorry I ran against you, Jane.
The people in this building are animals.
Somebody...
somebody is tutoring in their condo.
Ohh. W...
we are...
not zoned for that!
Ohh.
Ohh. Ohh!
Hello? I need
to cancel an order of gnomes.
Penny, I need you to go downstairs.
I need you to remove the suggestion box
from the lobby
before people start thinking
their ideas are valid.
Brad, get me a new pair of pants.
I look like a Turkish whoremaster!
You did it, Al!
My baby's back.
Did I eat nachos?!
You sure you wanna do this, man?
- You could always fake your own death.
- No.
I've done it. Super easy.
If you're ever in Newark, New Jersey,
do not ask for a Joseph Reynolds.
He's a ghost.
No, Max.
You can't just fake
your own death through life.
That's no way to not live.
- You're right, and you're pumped up.
- I like it.
Ah, ha ha ha!
Oh, we're gonna shake hands now?
Faced!
Ooh! Go, Dave! Punch his shirt off!
Or... or whatever you feel
is best for the situation.
Last chance to back out.
- No way...
- "No way."
Because a real man takes action
when action is necessary...
and when action calls upon him,
he seizes the moment...
That is cray!
- And he defends his beliefs.
- Ain't it, Dave?
- He stands up for himself...
- Yeah!
And anybody that's ever been
oppressed or victimized
- or driven to the point of no...
- - Aah!
Aah!
What are you doing?!
I was gonna punch him
after I said my remarks!
I couldn't help it.
Your speech was so inspiring.
You're like the straight Patrick Henry.
Patrick Henry wasn't gay.
Okay.
You got it, Dave.
I cannot believe I liked that guy.
Wow, I... I never, uh...
I mean, you just really...
Mm.
- Mm!
- You wanna get a coffee?
Java!
So was Patrick Henry really gay?
Oh, yeah. A lot
of the forefathers were gay.
You should watch the Gay History Channel.
That's a thing?
Yeah, it's called Bravo.
that's a completely different story,
because you're actually using
your own body weight,
which is an extremely efficient
form of strength training.
What's happening?
What's happening is
that Dave is joining my gym,
so I'm gonna become his new fitness guru.
No, he's not, but I am gonna
get ripped. Deal with it.
- I'm confident we can deal with it.
- You go to the gym?
Mm-hmm.
- An exercise gym?
- Oh, yeah.
I love the gym...
the steam room, the smoothies,
the free 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.
Haven't heard you mention working out.
Oh, I'm a gym rat.
I practically live there.
But do you exercise there?
You know what else I love?
Wearing gym clothes.
People see you on the street,
they feel bad about themselves.
Did they hit the gym today?
No. Did I? Yeah.
But what did you do there?
Also pretty great... gym shoes.
Okay, someone shoot me a text
on how this shakes out.
I have a ton to do
to get ready for my meeting
with the homeowners association,
of which I am...
- 2-term president.
- The vote of which was...
- Unanimous.
- - So we're building a roof garden,
and of course I have to do everything,
but you know what? With the H.O.A.,
it just makes more sense to give
one person complete power
to suppress opposition and criticism.
I think you just said
the definition of fascism.
Look, this is nothing new.
Jane has always been
the president of everything...
student body, National Honor Society,
our immediate family.
It's true. But I'm secretary of state,
so that means only four people have to die
for me to become president. Ha!
And Jane running the building
means i'm first gentleman.
People stand a little taller
when I get in the elevator,
and Mr. Olsen gives me a ham every month
to maintain his plush parking spot.
- Ugh. Politics.
- Get ready, America,
because there are two black men
in office up in hea!
Actually, there's... there's a lot more
than two black men in office.
Whoa. Dial back the rage, Dave.
You had your day.
Ohh. You guys are so good.
I'm definitely not making it
to the gym today.
Pen, you really gotta start
taking care of yourself, okay?
Max, why are you dressed like
Josh Brolin from "The Goonies"?
- You noticed!
- Of course I did.
She noticed!
I did, too. I just didn't
want to say anything.
Get out of here.
Happy Endings 2x19 - You Snooze, You Bruise
Original air date March 21, 2012
Wow, Max.
I'm impressed.
You really know
how to lead by example.
Yeah, well, my way works for me,
and that's what's important.
You know, Dave. If you're not interested,
I'll go check in with my clients
that value my expertise.
Hey, yo, Derrick! I love the way
you're keeping it active.
Always be moving.
Check this out. Curls for the girls,
thighs for the guys,
and bi's for the bi's.
- Ah.
- Hey, D-rock,
you're not actually paying
this guy, are you?
Oh, no, no, no. He's paying me.
J.K. Actually, he owes me $900.
Drama!
Seriously, how do I get him to pay me?
I'm behind on rent.
It's, like, real drama.
You're probably not gonna
see that money, buddy.
Damn.
Oh. Uh...
Just working yourself in. That's cool.
I was... I'll just jump in on the next set.
You'll jump in when I say you can, bitch.
I'm sorry. What?
I said... walk away.
Oh. Uh... yeah. That's cool.
I'm... I'll just...
I... I can be done. I've just got
some lat thing going here.
I got a lat attack! I'll just... I could...
Did you hear
that guy just call me a bitch?
Yeah, and not in a good way,
like...
"Hey, bitch! Oh, my God!
Your skin's amazing."
"I want to cut your face off. I hate you."
This is the problem with gyms, man...
dudes like that trying to impress girls.
Oh, no, no, no. Corey's gay.
Yeah, he hits on me all the time,
I just never reciprocate,
'cause, you know, I could do
so much better.
Eh... he's kinda your ceiling.
Eh... he's kinda my floor.
The second floor, if you're
standing on the first floor.
Well, you know,
you're both fat.
Yeah. He's kind of a strong fat.
Yeah, right. I'm strong. He's fat.
He's strong. You're fat.
Fat is fat.
Look, the point is, you only thought
he was straight because he's a bully,
but us gays can be anything we want, son...
lawyers, congressmen,
murderers, dentists...
Life coaches for rich people's pets.
It's a thing. Get into it.
Thanks for all your help, everyone.
We are gonna have the best rooftop garden.
It is gonna be just like
"The Secret Garden,"
but without that super sick kid, right?
- Ugh.
- - Jane.
Get this. I decided
I'm gonna learn to play golf.
That's a dumb idea.
God, the pill's making me crazy.
Jane, a couple of us had some other ideas
about the rooftop garden.
Well, I'm pretty sure I covered
everything with my poster,
but go ahead.
We thought it might be nice
to have these elderflowers,
'cause they grow these beautiful berries.
Ooh, berries.
Nice, right?
Huh. Michael, that could be a good idea.
Except for when those berries
attract pigeons and rats,
and they poop everywhere.
You know, it just takes
one person inhaling
a little bit of poop dust,
and we've got
a full-on hantavirus outbreak,
but you know what? In that one week
before we're all immobilized by disease,
we could enjoy some really nice berries.
Ooh, berries.
I guess I hadn't thought this through.
Yeah, I guess you hadn't.
Why don't you focus less on killer berries
and more on parking
your Maxima inside the lines
in the garage?
I'm so sorry.
No. Don't be. We... we all do things.
All right.
His idea was terrible.
Haven't you ever heard the expression,
"you catch more flies with honey"?
Technically, you catch more flies
with a commercial fly strip,
with its combination
of pheromones and a chemical adhesive.
Far and away your best bet.
You seem really stressed.
Okay, how about the next time,
before you just lose it
on someone, you sleep on it?
See what happens.
Everything's much clearer
the next morning.
That makes no sense.
I'd lose all my steam.
There's no way I can stay
fired up for that long.
That's the point.
Remember when I was gonna file
that noise complaint
against my neighbor's cockatoo,
but then I slept on it?
The next day, I bought that bird
a clementine, which it choked on.
Problem solved.
Think about it.
Not my jam.
Do I have to go repark my car?
So he definitely didn't say it
in a good way, like...
"Hey, bitch."
"Your hair is glowing, okay?"
"Where'd you get that deep condition?"
"I swear to God..."
No, but who cares
what that guy thinks anyway?
He doesn't even wipe down
the machines. He's such a jerk.
Yeah, he's totally a jerk.
Like, a super hot, dangerous jerk.
- What?
- What?
Dude, what? Did I...
was I speaking out loud?
Sorry. I was never into him before,
but something changed for me this morning.
I love bad boys, like Will Smith
in the movie "Bad Boys"
or even Martin Lawrence
in "Big Momma's House."
Or Tea Leoni in "Bad Boys."
What? I like my bad boys with vaginas.
You know, it doesn't matter.
The problem is solved.
I did the mature thing.
You talked to the manager.
My gym experience was being ruined,
and a manager needed to be informed.
What Dave doesn't realize
when he's running his mouth
is that snitches get stitches.
Oh. There it is.
Your bully mentality is back.
What? You were a bully?
- Yes.
- But you're so tiny.
You're so small.
You're the smallest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
"Girl, I'll get you!"
"Come here! Come here!"
- What, you want some?
- Whoa.
She got her growth spurt
earlier than the other kids.
I'm gonna need that soda,
your glitter headband,
tomorrow's spelling homework,
and 50 cents to buy
a unicorn eraser from the school store.
Eddie Kang! I know you are not
on my slide right now.
I am not like that anymore, okay?
And as a recovering bully,
I know that we're all bark and no bite.
Dave, you need to stand up
to him. He'll back down.
Whatever happened to Eddie Kang?
We actually dated a couple years later.
He got taller, and I got boobs.
That is a fact.
So... this is what we're doing now?
It's homo slo-mo.
Cooling down is one
of the most important parts
of working out.
Plus, "homo" rhymes with "slo-mo."
And lake Como. Clooney has a house there.
Dave, Corey has something he wants to say.
Hey, I'm really sorry about the other day.
I was in a bad mood,
and I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
I should have taken it out
on that Stairmaster...
'cause this place is not about anger.
It's about fitness.
Thanks, man. Stop the violence.
Increase the peace.
Or as my bumper sticker says, "coexist."
Wow. That's a great message.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Gunnar.
- Good trainer.
- He's a great trainer.
Great dad.
Did you tattle on me?
Oh, I'm so conflicted.
Haven't you heard? Snitches get stitches.
How is this a phrase that
everybody's heard but me?
You step in here again, rock-steady,
and I'll kick your ass.
Do you think he thinks about me?
I mean, he's, uh...
he's, um, he's a bad...
he's not a... he's...
Ow!
Penny.
Hey.
I was just beboppin' in the neighborhood,
and I was wondering, any fallout
from your interaction
with Michael the other day?
What? No. We're fine.
Cool, cool, cool. It's just that
I found this in your lobby.
Twist! Michael's running
against you for president.
Well, uh... well, that's... fine.
You know what?
It'll be nice to have
a friendly rival to defeat.
You know, it's not like we're enemies.
His slogan is "help me
destroy our common enemy."
"Be heard. Be respected.
Be allowed to suggest,"
"oh, I don't know, a berry tree."
Um, when was this photo taken,
and why are you making
the Kobe Bryant intensity face?
Jane, none of this would have happened
if you had just slept on it.
Please will you just give it a try?
Chilling out a little could be good
for our political image, babe.
People like a relaxed leader...
instills confidence,
makes them free and easy with their hams.
Mm.
Stephanie.
Did you get my message about the gazebo?
We could buy it from my cousin's company.
- I brought some pamphlets for you.
- - Mm!
I did get your message,
and you know what?
It made me want to absolutely...
mnh...
sleep on it.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great.
Okay, thanks.
Great, great,
great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great.
Mm-hmm. Same face.
Brad.
Mnh-mnh.
I feel...
great!
I mean, look at these.
Any of these gazebos would do.
Sleeping on it is amazing.
You gotta try it.
I was trying.
Try it again. I'll watch.
Are you doing it?
Bitch, it is 5:30!
Dave? What are you doing here?
It is not safe.
What if Corey sees you and he yells at you
and it's too sexy,
and then he and I fall in love?
I'm gonna do what Alex said.
I'm gonna stand up to the guy.
- You got my back?
- No.
Corey, can we talk?
Of course.
We were born with mouths,
weren't we?
Listen, man. I think I know
what this is about.
You were probably bullied as a kid,
possibly because you're gay.
Uh, I think it's time that
we have a conversation
with 10-year-old Corey
and tell him to stop pushing people away.
Hi, little Corey.
You got a buddy... this guy.
Ohh!
Ohh! Oh, my God!
Damn! Punched you in the eyeball!
Oh, my God. It was crazy.
I mean, it was like watching
an episode of "Real Club Girls
of Atlantic City."
I mean, Dave was all like...
"Theresa,
grab that girl's weave,"
because it is just too..."
God, I am spending way too much time
with Derrick.
Well, thanks a lot, Al.
I stood up to him,
and he didn't back down.
What do I do now?
Well, if I was still a bully...
which I no longer am,
'cause I've worked through that...
I'd throw a free weight in his face
and then knock out
50 push-ups to celebrate.
As much as I'd like to see that,
'cause you know nothing delights
me more than enraged exercise,
I think the safest thing
for Dave to do is quit the gym.
No. No, I am way too proud to quit.
Plus I already tried,
and it didn't work out.
Now I see that your name tag
says "manager,"
but do you happen to have a manager?
There's only one thing that's gonna work.
You gotta go back
to the gym and fight him.
You know what? You are right.
I am not going down without a fight.
I am gonna march back down to that gym,
and I am getting out of my contract.
- Oh, no, s... no.
- I meant...
Yeah, she said...
- meant more of, like, a f...
- When...
So she's been doing
this all day... just lounging?
Yeah. Sleeping on it worked.
Yeah, it did.
She is a totally different person.
I can get away with anything now.
Hey, babe. I took your "Atlantic Monthly"
into the bathroom
while I was doing my business.
Mm.
- I was poopin'.
- Great.
Awesome.
She doesn't care.
She doesn't care.
What are all those papers you got there?
I put up a suggestion box in the lobby
to try to integrate feedback,
'cause everyone's opinion is valid.
That's my easygoing president.
That's a funky switchabout.
Babe, everybody's lovin' the box.
They're really feeling heard.
I'm proud of you.
Take that, Michael.
Pow!
You know, I gotta say,
I love goin' with the flow,
you know, rollin' with the punches...
Just flyin' by the seat
of my very, very chill pants,
you know what I mean?
Well, if any pants could fly,
it would be those.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Now watch this.
Look at this delicious plate of nachos
I found, everybody.
I think I'm gonna have some
while sitting on this couch.
I would like some chips...
- You can have some.
- ...and some oily, unruly cheese.
Ooh, they taste better the further you are
from the napkins, I've found.
- Ah.
- Oh, look. Look, Jane.
"Man On Wire."
Uh-oh. I hope he doesn't fall.
Uh-oh.
I'm sorry.
I... oh, God.
Ohh. Let's get into that.
- That is some...
- Jane.
- No, no. Jane.
- Ohh.
- Jane.
- No.
Oh, my...
Oh, that's just...
- Ohh. Oh, that... that is just nasty.
- - It's really hot.
- Mmm. Mmm.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah. You tell the manager I'll wait.
I'll wait here all day long,
if that's what it takes.
You do not want to get
into a patient wait-off
with this guy, bro.
Hey, big bird. What are you doing?
The weights are supposed to go up, silly.
What are you working on,
your upper failures?
- Yeah, I'm funny.
- - This is wrong, man.
- Hey, dingus.
- Hello.
Your ball looks swollen.
I'm worried about you.
You should get that thing removed.
Why?
- Okay. This ends now.
- Corey.
Back for more, dum-dum?
Yes, I am. I am sick and tired
of you pushing everybody around.
We need to go mano a mano, compadre.
¿Comprende? ¿Verdad?
I don't speak Spanish.
I'm saying that
we should fight, all right?
Me and you... tomorrow,
3:00 P.M., out front.
Let's do it, you little monkey.
Really? That was your monkey?
Again? You're trying again?
That was awful. I could do
a better monkey than that.
Do it.
Better monkey!
You tell the manager
- I'll call him back...
- on my time.
Babe, did you go grocery shopping today?
'Cause there's nothing in here.
No, I didn't get around to it.
I was too busy just kickin' it,
but I think there's some, uh,
leftovers in the crisper.
Leftovers in the crisper?
That's not where those go.
That's for crispy stuff.
Well, why don't you hit up
the grocery store?
Because you said I'm not allowed
to go shopping alone.
Eh. You'll be a'ight, dawg.
Don't call me that.
Ooh. Some people are pushing
for pink gravel in the garden.
Uh-huh. That could work.
I'm gonna go take a nap, think about it,
maybe buzz one out.
"Buzz one out"? That's
a weird way to say "snoring."
Oh! Hey, Mr. Olsen.
I am so glad to see you.
And you brought my monthly ham.
Great, 'cause I am starving,
and I am so scared to go shopping.
No, this isn't for you.
- What?
- I'm here to discuss how
everything's falling apart
in this building.
Packages are being left in the lobby.
There are unauthorized flyers
on the bulletin board.
Someone's offering math tutoring.
You can't run a business
out of your house.
Well, you know, Jane was
just trying to be open
to people's suggestions, and...
Oh. Uh...
Well, you guys gotta earn your hams.
Did he just slam my door in his face?
So Dave is really gonna fight a guy?
Our Dave?
The same Dave who wept during
Jeremy Renner's Oscar speech?
How is that gonna work?
I don't know. I guess he's gonna have
to sit on the guy's back
so he can't breathe
and shove his face in the dirt...
or at least that's what someone could do.
Whoa, Brad. You're lookin' funky.
Yeah. I'm am wearing cargo shorts
because all of my pants are
in the dry cleaners,
and I don't know which one we go to.
It's... kind of a decent look.
Yeah. My top half is
at a museum fund-raiser,
and my bottom half is
selling veggie burritos
in a parking lot outside...
a Widespread Panic concert!
No, that is... accurate.
Penny, I want the old Jane back.
Okay, I know I turned her this way...
but I don't know how to turn her back.
I do.
How's it goin', Jane?
Well, I'm being held
in a chair against my will,
but... I'm cozy.
I'm sorry.
Looks like your old pal Stephanie
has a bunch of great ideas
for your roof garden.
Here's my favorite...
a family of plastic gnomes.
She calls them "The Tinytons."
They've got a mailbox, Jane!
You know what? I might just
take a nap on it right now...
Bang out a quick fiver right here.
Don't let her, Penny.
You didn't tell me I was
gonna have to do this.
Penny!
Wake up, slut.
And that's not all.
You haven't even weighed in
on the gazebo yet,
and the options are way worse
than you thought.
They're novelty gazebos, Jane.
Novelty.
It's like the idea
of a gazebo is, like, some big joke.
Oh.
Shut your mouth, Penny!
And you always make
my haircut appointments, Jane.
It's been days. Look at all this hair.
I look like Gene Wilder.
I'm a monster.
And the trash hasn't been
picked up in days.
It may never get picked up again,
but I'm sure Michael could
handle that, right, Michael?
No, I don't want to handle that.
I'm so sorry I ran against you, Jane.
The people in this building are animals.
Somebody...
somebody is tutoring in their condo.
Ohh. W...
we are...
not zoned for that!
Ohh.
Ohh. Ohh!
Hello? I need
to cancel an order of gnomes.
Penny, I need you to go downstairs.
I need you to remove the suggestion box
from the lobby
before people start thinking
their ideas are valid.
Brad, get me a new pair of pants.
I look like a Turkish whoremaster!
You did it, Al!
My baby's back.
Did I eat nachos?!
You sure you wanna do this, man?
- You could always fake your own death.
- No.
I've done it. Super easy.
If you're ever in Newark, New Jersey,
do not ask for a Joseph Reynolds.
He's a ghost.
No, Max.
You can't just fake
your own death through life.
That's no way to not live.
- You're right, and you're pumped up.
- I like it.
Ah, ha ha ha!
Oh, we're gonna shake hands now?
Faced!
Ooh! Go, Dave! Punch his shirt off!
Or... or whatever you feel
is best for the situation.
Last chance to back out.
- No way...
- "No way."
Because a real man takes action
when action is necessary...
and when action calls upon him,
he seizes the moment...
That is cray!
- And he defends his beliefs.
- Ain't it, Dave?
- He stands up for himself...
- Yeah!
And anybody that's ever been
oppressed or victimized
- or driven to the point of no...
- - Aah!
Aah!
What are you doing?!
I was gonna punch him
after I said my remarks!
I couldn't help it.
Your speech was so inspiring.
You're like the straight Patrick Henry.
Patrick Henry wasn't gay.
Okay.
You got it, Dave.
I cannot believe I liked that guy.
Wow, I... I never, uh...
I mean, you just really...
Mm.
- Mm!
- You wanna get a coffee?
Java!
So was Patrick Henry really gay?
Oh, yeah. A lot
of the forefathers were gay.
You should watch the Gay History Channel.
That's a thing?
Yeah, it's called Bravo.