Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 18 - Party of Six - full transcript
Will Penny's birthday spell disaster (again) for everyone?
Where's Penny?
Who shows up an hour late
to their own birthday?
No, she's actually right on time.
I told you guys to come an hour earlier
so you wouldn't be late.
You witch. You tricked us.
You can't just go around
daylight-savings'ing people.
That makes no sense.
Guys, honest opinion.
Does this outfit make me look
too much like a tree?
You mean like "tree," as in the way that
a hard new yorker would say
the number tree?
'Cause, yeah, you look...
...like a tree outta ten at best.
Oh! Let's go to Times Square,
get some famous Ray's pizza.
Oh-ah! Uh-oh.
I'm stuck in a Pacino. Hoo-ah!
We need to focus, okay?
We cannot have a repeat of last year,
when Alex and Dave ruined
Penny's birthday.
Well, as long as Dave
doesn't bring someone
from Degrassi Junior High,
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Hey, if Degrassi's on the field,
play ball. Am I right?
Sorry. Proud of the wordplay,
not the message.
Real talk, guys?
Penny's had some roof birthdays.
- To Penny.
- Yay!
Aah!
What is that?
Down. I don't know. A dog?
Aah!
It was being cool on the way over!
Oh, boy.
That was the most hilarious
near-death experience
I've ever seen, and I've seen
Anthony Anderson play tennis.
Uh, is it just me,
or is Penny's birthday cursed?
- Hella cursed.
- Oh, it's... it's definitely cursed.
There is a curse amongst us.
- Yeah.
- Terribly cursed,
which is why we have got to do
better this year, okay?
Tonight we gotta bring in da noise
- and, time permitting, also...
- da funk.
Hey, friends.
- Oh!
- Happy Birthday!
- Whoa! What you done done, girl?
- Oh, man.
I was just talking about you. Aw.
- You look so good.
- Pen.
- Hi.
- Hello.
How about you, okay?
I feel like this is fake,
but I love the energy,
love the enthusiasm.
What is the plan for tonight?
Well, we hope that you have
on your eating pants,
because we are taking you to...
drumroll, please...
Nothing?
Okay, I hate you guys. Big Dom's!
Big Dom's!
Yes.
Are we sure we want to go there?
What are you talking about?
You were just saying
the other day that you love that place.
Yeah, but I heard that since then...
it's gotten pretty racist...
and we got this guy on our hands.
Who? You talking about me?
Look, I haven't eaten all day
in preparation for this,
so I don't care if they sit me
next to a Nazi stormtrooper.
Wait. Darth Vader was a Nazi?
Come on, Penny. Big Dom's isn't racist.
We made a whole thing. Let's go.
Okay. The truth is, I'm not
allowed to go back there.
- What?
- When I broke up with Nick,
he wanted us to split up
our favorite places
so we wouldn't bump into each other,
and he insisted on getting Big Dom's.
Wow. He sucks.
Uh, but the good news is,
I got Saul's Discount Eyewear.
Wow. Yeah.
I am not a great negotiator, but whatever.
Let's just come up with a new plan.
The curse of
Penny's birthday strikes again.
Ow. Ow!
- What curse?
- Oh, nothing.
We just all decided that
your birthday was super cursed.
- Shh.
- Aah.
What?
That is ridiculous.
I mean, have I had some rough ones? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah,
I heard that!
But not being able to go
to our first-choice restaurant...
that is not the sign of a birthday curse.
Power outage.
The curse of Penny's birthday
has struck again.
Max, you're leaning on the light switch.
Oh.
The curse of Max's love handles
- has struck again.
- Guys, no worries.
There are a million restaurants
in this city.
I'm sure we'll find
a great for my birthday,
like, um...
Uh...
Hmm.
Did everybody else's mind
just go completely blank?
- Totally blank.
- Yep.
- Yeah, that was crazy.
- So black.
You know what I was thinking about?
If Mary Tyler Moore married
and then divorced Steven Tyler,
then married and divorced Michael Moore,
then got into a 3-way lesbian marriage
with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore,
would she go by the name
"Mary Tyler
Moore-Tyler-Moore-Moore-Moore"?
- I'm out.
- Okeydokey.
- Anyways.
- Yeah.
Ow.
Happy Endings 2x18 - Party of Six
Original air date March 14, 2012
Aaaah. I'm starving, you guys.
Let's throw out some restos.
This is a safe space.
All ideas are welcome,
as long as they're not stupid.
Well, you guys are in luck
'cause I kinda have a superpower
when it comes to picking
the perfect restaurant.
Al, do you remember Christmas night 2005?
We were with your diabetic cousin,
his vegan girlfriend,
and that hasidic Jew we met
at the theater...
third row, third cast, "rent."
Anyway, we never thought
we would agree on a restaurant
until, out of the blue,
I stand up and I say,
"Wu Palace."
True story.
Yeah. No reason to make that up.
That was a really beautiful story.
Do you have a suggestion?
- Wu Palace?
- Yeah, it closed five years ago.
Well, just give me a minute to think.
It's not like superman can just
fly whenever he wants.
- Yeah, he can.
- Uh, yeah, he really can.
Well, I don't care.
I am totally happy going wherevs.
I can go for Indian.
Oh, I already had that for lunch.
- I'd do Thai.
- I had Thai for lunch, too.
Barbecue?
Oh, my God.
Uh...
What about tapas? I could do El Toreador.
Oh, no, no. No dice.
- Mm.
- Can't go back there.
As they say in Spanish...
Jane and I got caught having sex
in the bathroom.
And a few other west-side restaurants
are trouble spots as well.
Mon dieu!
Ohh.
Hey, you guys mind if I tag in?
Why do you always get caught?
If we didn't want to get caught,
we'd just have sex at home.
Yeah, you dumb idiot.
I got it. Once again,
Dave Rose has the solush.
I have the perfect place,
a restaurant that will titillate
your senses, activate your neurons...
- Okay, I can't listen to this anymore.
- ...and send you...
I am way too hungry.
Let's just go to Medora
and call it a night.
- Yeah!
- Wait.
- That's great.
- Wait.
Do you guys want to hear my idea?
We don't care.
It's... it's a good idea.
Shh.
My superpower.
Wu Palace.
Oh, my God. That food smells so good.
I can't believe we were able
to get the last table.
It is my 29th birthday miracle.
- 31st.
- All right.
We'll split the difference,
call it 30.
It's still wrong.
Either way, there is no birthday curse.
I mean, I think this place
is even better than Big Dom's.
- Mm-hmm.
- - Oh, yeah. Totally.
You know who would love this place?
That barely-legal junk-box
that Dave brought
to Penny's birthday last year.
You know the one with the tramp stamp
and the tongue ring and the bad hat?
And she's right behind me, isn't she?
No.
Oh, that's 'cause she's over there.
What?!
Oh, my God. It's Jackie.
Guys, I did not know that Jackie
worked here. We can't stay.
The curse of Penny's birthday
- strikes again, my friends.
- What? Okay.
First of all, there is no curse.
Secondly, that was over a year ago.
She probably doesn't even remember us.
Well, look who it is.
My least favorite people ever.
Great to see you again.
- Here we GO!
- - That bitch still young.
So, Jackie, how's high school?
Well, Alex, if you must know,
I'm graduated.
- Oh.
- - Mm.
- That's good. Congrats.
- Now I'm waiting tables
to save money for stripping lessons
so that I can save money
for junior college.
- Got a lot on the burner.
- That's right.
- That's very responsible.
- Yeah, way to go.
And not that it's any
of your business, Dave,
but I'm dating a guy who has his own car
and could totally kick your ass.
Well, can he rent a U-haul
without his parents' signature?
Because I can.
His parents are dead.
Ah. So if this is uncomfortable for you...
we can get another waiter.
No. I'm super excited
about waiting on you guys.
I'm gonna make sure your food
gets extra special attention.
- Mm.
- Okay.
She's definitely gonna do
something sloppy to our food.
- Hell, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- No confusion on that.
- Absolutely.
You guys, she's not gonna do anything
to the food as she's a professional.
Yeah, well, when I was a waiter,
I was a professional, too,
unless you did something I didn't like,
and then I introduced your eggs Benedict
to my eggs and Benedict.
He's talking about
his Sackman and Throbin.
Here you go.
Fried calamari. On the house. Enjoy.
There was something
objectively creepy about that.
Guys, it's no bigs. Let's just
go to another restaurant.
Oh, fine, but I am starving,
and I don't want to hear
any of this "ooh,
I can't go there" stuff...
- Yeah.
- ...okay?
The first place someone says,
that's where we're going.
- Silvers.
- Ohh. I can't go there.
- Why?
- Yeah, remember when I used to work there?
I got fired because me and management
didn't exactly see eye to eye
about some of their
ancillary distribution policies.
Mm.
You guys got the cash?
I got the stuff. I got a bone-in rib eye.
Inside it goes for $30.
I'll give it to you for $10.
I got a Kansas City...
Who buys half-eaten steak?
Aha, David!
"Certified pre-owned" steak, and no one.
Aah! I have a brain idea. El Agave.
- Yes!
- Yes. El Agave!
It's so much fun,
and they'll fry anything.
Oh, I don't know. That might be
a little weird for Brad.
It used to be
kind of a breakup spot for him.
You had a restaurant
specifically to break up with people?
Ah, yes. El Agave.
It was perfect. There was a mariachi band,
the silverware was plastic,
and the tables were bolted to the ground.
- I really think we need to see other people.
- You little bitch!
Great story, Brad, but can we stop
sitting around here reminiscing
like a bunch of homos
and start getting over to El Agave
and shoving our face with tacos
like a bunch of homos?
- Yeah.
- I'm not really
a fan of El Agave.
Have you been there?
Yeah, you took me there once...
when we were dating.
I don't...
- Oh, uh, you got the pizza menu.
- I want to see the pizzas.
Uh... hmm? What is this?
Why don't they put pizzas on all the menus?
Oh, what's that over there?
Where's the other menu, guys? It... it...
Why don't you explain to me
why you took me
to your breakup restaurant, Brad?
Well, for the record, it wasn't
just my breakup restaurant.
It was also my "impress a date
with my Spanish" restaurante.
Ohh. Isn't that sweet?
I don't remember you speaking
any Spanish that night.
In fact, instead of ordering tacos,
you asked for "meat, lettuce, and cheese"
"in one of those crispy,
half-moon envelope thingies."
Okay, before you guys go any further down
the rabbit hole of this fight,
can I just say something?
Jane, there's no food in your purse!
I'm wasting away over here,
and all you have is a bunch
of newspaper clippings from when
you used to figure skate.
What the hell is
wrong with you?
You were so good.
Yeah... ner!
I'm gonna go to the bar
and destroy myself,
so why don't you come get me
when you pick out a restaurant?
Oh, and preferably one that
my husband didn't take me to
to curb-stomp my heart.
The curse has got Jane.
For the last time, there is no curse.
I mean, are two
of my best friends fighting
on my birthday?
Yes, but, you know,
is Max dangerously close
to eating tainted squid?
Yes.
I could do it.
I once ate a bunch of peanut butter
I found in a mousetrap,
- and it did not kill me.
- You ate that?
She definitely urinated on this.
These are minor setbacks,
and I am not gonna let anything
ruin my 29th...
31st.
...agree to disagree... birthday.
It's still wrong.
You were born 31 years ago.
Well, faster than a speeding bullet,
I've got a new idea. Table 23.
- What do you say?
- Yes!
- Yes! I love table 23.
- Jane loves that place,
and maybe it'll help her cool off.
Actually, Jane hasn't been welcome there
since she challenged
their no-substitutions policy.
My cheese, my choice, all righty?
Look at that. It looks great.
Okay. All right.
Tell my story!
We restaurant owners
absolutely hate substitutions.
I mean, would you tell Armani
where to put the buttons?
No, so I will not put
the aioli on the side, Jeff.
Dude, you gotta stop calling
yourself a restaurant owner.
Restaurants don't have windshield wipers.
I think what's going on here is
that everyone's blood sugar
is a little bit low.
Is that a straw harpoon?
We just need to calm down...
- Wait. When did you make that?
- ...get some food in us,
and let cooler heads prevail.
This ends now. Brad. Brad!
- Huh?
- You go fix things with your wife.
I want to see if he's gonna...
Just go!
I cannot believe I'm going to do this,
but I am gonna go and smooth
things over with Jackie.
You two stay here and keep an eye on Max.
My bad.
Damn it!
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm holding this.
Yeah, they... everyone thought,
you know, gold medal.
And the kicker is Oksana Baiul
stole all of my moves...
Hey, boo. So...
Do not "boo" me, okay?
Can't you see I am hanging out
with my new friend Andy?
- Is this the guy?
- Okay. Chill down, Andy.
- He'll eat your world.
- Listen, Jane...
you were right.
I was planning on breaking up
with you that night...
Oh, that's great news.
Thanks so much for the update.
But it was because things
were getting so serious,
and I was young,
and I was scared, and...
- And stupid.
- ...st... stupid...
Yep. There it is.
But you know what happened instead?
So I think we should talk.
Oh. Hold that thought.
I will have the fajita enchiladas,
but instead of strips of chicken,
I'd like it to be cubed, and I'd like
the onions well-done
but the peppers crunchy.
Also I'd like the plate to be sizzling,
but I'd like to request
that you not tell me
to "be careful. The plate is hot."
I know it's hot. It's a sizzling plate.
And after that, I knew I'd never
go back to that restaurant.
Because I made the waiter cry
and we got our pictures put up
by the bounced checks?
That was part of it,
but I also knew I'd never need
a breakup restaurant again,
'cause I found a woman who was
so sure of what she wanted,
and she wanted me.
Plus, you have
freakish upper body strength
and probably could have
unbolted that table
and beat me with it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you could have.
- I could have.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
- You strong.
- Mm! Like a man!
- Strong like a man!
Mm!
- Mm.
- - Mm.
You wanna get outta here?
Read the room, dude.
Mm.
All right, Jackie. Let's be honest.
You're not my favorite,
but tonight is not about us.
It is about my friend Penny's birthday,
and I am sorry that last year I called you
an underage slut, et cetera,
but if there is any way that
you could bring us some food
that isn't laced with your bodily fluids,
it would really help us out of a jam.
I didn't do anything to your food, Alex,
but I did just slash
the tires to Dave's Altima.
That's what you get
for not calling me back
after taking me to the prom.
Okay, Dave doesn't drive an Altima.
Hold up. He took you to your...
Prom? You went to her prom?
Was there food?
What was the food situation?
Was there, like, an omelet bar?
Was there a buffet?
Yes, okay, I went to her prom,
but only because I was writing
a newspaper story
for the "Chicago Sun Times,"
and my boss, Garry Marshall,
was breathing down my neck!
"Never Been Kissed."
Fine. The real reason I went to prom was
'cause I'm sorta pathetic.
Yeah, we realized that
when you cast yourself
as the Drew Barrymore character
in "Never Been Kissed."
Oh, come on, Dave. What's pathetic about
a grown man attending a high school prom?
Ooh! Did you lose your virginity
like you always hoped you would?
You're just jealous
because you missed your prom.
She was dating a poet that told her
that prom was a holiday invented
by the tuxedo companies.
Nathan wasn't a poet! He was a bard!
Guys, please just stop fighting, okay?
The important thing is,
Jackie told us it is safe to eat here,
so can we please order
and enjoy yourselves?
A 29th birthday comes around
but once in a lifetime.
31st.
Uh, you know what?
You know what? You're right.
Happy 29th birthday.
- Happy 29th birthday.
- Happy 29th birthday.
Okay. Thank you. Okay?
Yes.
B-day back on track. No curse.
I'm sorry. I have to ask you all to leave.
I just caught your friends
in the bathroom having sex.
Guess what, guys?
We made up.
Yay.
- All right.
- All right...
You know, I've been thinking a lot
about this restaurant problem
we're having,
and I think I came up with a solution.
We are too "inside the box."
We've gotta branch out...
talk about restaurants
that maybe don't exist.
For example, where does Gollum eat?
Okay, just let it go.
Sir? Thank you.
Look, you guys were right. I mean, I think
this birthday curse is a real thing.
It is like... it's like the Madden curse.
What does your birthday have to do...
with being on the cover of a video game?
No. The Becky Madden curse.
She's a girl I went to camp with.
Oh, she had the worst luck.
One time she peed all over herself...
in the middle of a ropes course in
front of everyone...
and then last year,
she was killed in a murder-suicide
- at the state fair.
- Ohh.
Sorry for your loss.
No. Penny, you are not
gonna give up now, okay?
I'm sure things are about to turn around.
We're all gonna go get in your c...
...car.
Oh! That's an Altima.
I just paid that off.
- Uh...
- I think, uh...
guess I will be walking home.
No. Penny!
We're gonna make your birthday awesome,
whether you like it or not, okay?
- Tonight we break the curse.
- - Yeah.
That curse should be scared of us,
because we are a bunch
of criminals and sex addicts
with terrible judgment,
- and we can ruin anything...
- Yes.
- ...we put our minds to, and you know what?
- That's what's up.
- We are gonna ruin that stupid curse.
- Oh, yeah.
Great moments are born
from great opportunity.
That's what we have here tonight.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sick and tired of hearing
how great a hockey team the Soviets have.
Screw 'em.
Yeah... wait.
Is that the Kurt Russell speech
from "Miracle"?
It's their time up there.
It's our time... our time down here,
and it's all over the second
we ride up Troy's bucket.
Now she's doing "Goonies."
She's all over the place.
We gotta do what we should have
done from the beginning.
We gotta take Big Dom's back.
- Yes! Thank you.
- No way!
That's Nick's place.
He goes there every night.
If we go to ten restaurants,
we may get kicked out of nine,
but not that restaurant, not tonight,
so let's get it out there and take it!
Now she's back to "Miracle."
She's having a tiny stroke.
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Ooooh!...
Unh!
Aaah.
Kerkovich, party of six.
We're not taking no for an answer.
Sure. Your table is right this way.
Oh, right.
We never canceled the reservation.
All right. So what do we do?
How do we even take back a restaurant?
Okay, first things first.
We knock out the busboys.
We take their uniforms.
Then we look for a heating duct.
Now here is where things get complicated.
Dave, how quickly can you grow a mustache?
- Quicker than most.
- Doesn't matter.
Once we get crawling in the heating ducts,
there's a possibility...
Now that I got some food in me,
I think climbing
through the vents is
a little bit excessive,
and knocking out the busboys is just mean.
Why don't we just sit here
like normal people
and have a normal meal?
Yeah. You guys, I... I'm sorry.
I was being so crazy.
I don't know why I ever had
any problem with this...
There's Nick.
So your first instinct
is to hide under the table?
What's the endgame here?
I've made a huge mistake.
Don't tell him that I'm here!
Hey. You're, uh, Penny's friends, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
She's not here with you?
Maybe. No. I don't know.
She's all around us.
Well, we had this arrangement that
she would stay away from here.
Yeah, we're all privy
to your arrangement, Nick,
and as a restaurant owner,
I find it offensive.
Nobody should own a restaurant
except people like me,
a restaurant owner.
Dude, give it up.
Whatever. When you see Penny,
tell her that I left
some pretty important stuff
- at her place. I would like it back.
- - Hey.
- You know what, buddy?
- - Tell her yourself,
because she's right here,
and she's standing tall.
I mean, emotionally standing tall.
Technically, I am under the table.
Why are you under the table?
Because I can go
wherever I want whenever I want,
and... and my blouse is
caught on something.
Mm. She got caught.
- That's... that's what's happened to her.
- Makes a lot of sense
- why she would still be under there.
- - Yeah.
But you don't get Big Dom's, Nick.
You don't get to ban me from anywhere,
a... and if you're uncomfortable
seeing me somewhere,
then just stay away.
Oh, and, Nick?
One more thing before you go.
A-get a-to a-steppin'!
We did it. The birthday curse
is officially defeated.
Y...
- Aah!
- Oh, no.
Okeydokey.
- Ohh.
- No. You know what?
I'm fine with this,
because all that matters is that
Big Dom's is ours again.
I am sorry, ma'am.
This is a family restaurant.
I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
Yeah, that's a solid policy.
We'll see ourselves on out.
- Yeah.
- - U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
♪ Ay
U.S.A.!
You see?
- Mmm.
- I told you guys I'd come up
- with the perfect place.
- Yeah. Rosalita's.
Great save. We literally come
here every night.
This place is my emergency contact,
mostly because someone says
I don't know what is
and is not an emergency.
You are welcome.
Guys, we should have just come
here in the first place,
although I do wish
I'd gone to the bathroom
before Brad and Jane got in there.
Well, the good news is,
it's a minute to midnight,
so you survived your birthday.
Yes, and I overcame the birthday curse.
No more curses!
No more curses!
Well, this cannot be good for you.
- Oh.
- She just wants the salt.
- Oh, she just wants the salt.
- She just wants the salt.
She just...
Aah!
Oh my God, did we just switch bodies?
Here we GO!
My God, you guys, this pizza is amazing!
I'm Dave.
Who shows up an hour late
to their own birthday?
No, she's actually right on time.
I told you guys to come an hour earlier
so you wouldn't be late.
You witch. You tricked us.
You can't just go around
daylight-savings'ing people.
That makes no sense.
Guys, honest opinion.
Does this outfit make me look
too much like a tree?
You mean like "tree," as in the way that
a hard new yorker would say
the number tree?
'Cause, yeah, you look...
...like a tree outta ten at best.
Oh! Let's go to Times Square,
get some famous Ray's pizza.
Oh-ah! Uh-oh.
I'm stuck in a Pacino. Hoo-ah!
We need to focus, okay?
We cannot have a repeat of last year,
when Alex and Dave ruined
Penny's birthday.
Well, as long as Dave
doesn't bring someone
from Degrassi Junior High,
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Hey, if Degrassi's on the field,
play ball. Am I right?
Sorry. Proud of the wordplay,
not the message.
Real talk, guys?
Penny's had some roof birthdays.
- To Penny.
- Yay!
Aah!
What is that?
Down. I don't know. A dog?
Aah!
It was being cool on the way over!
Oh, boy.
That was the most hilarious
near-death experience
I've ever seen, and I've seen
Anthony Anderson play tennis.
Uh, is it just me,
or is Penny's birthday cursed?
- Hella cursed.
- Oh, it's... it's definitely cursed.
There is a curse amongst us.
- Yeah.
- Terribly cursed,
which is why we have got to do
better this year, okay?
Tonight we gotta bring in da noise
- and, time permitting, also...
- da funk.
Hey, friends.
- Oh!
- Happy Birthday!
- Whoa! What you done done, girl?
- Oh, man.
I was just talking about you. Aw.
- You look so good.
- Pen.
- Hi.
- Hello.
How about you, okay?
I feel like this is fake,
but I love the energy,
love the enthusiasm.
What is the plan for tonight?
Well, we hope that you have
on your eating pants,
because we are taking you to...
drumroll, please...
Nothing?
Okay, I hate you guys. Big Dom's!
Big Dom's!
Yes.
Are we sure we want to go there?
What are you talking about?
You were just saying
the other day that you love that place.
Yeah, but I heard that since then...
it's gotten pretty racist...
and we got this guy on our hands.
Who? You talking about me?
Look, I haven't eaten all day
in preparation for this,
so I don't care if they sit me
next to a Nazi stormtrooper.
Wait. Darth Vader was a Nazi?
Come on, Penny. Big Dom's isn't racist.
We made a whole thing. Let's go.
Okay. The truth is, I'm not
allowed to go back there.
- What?
- When I broke up with Nick,
he wanted us to split up
our favorite places
so we wouldn't bump into each other,
and he insisted on getting Big Dom's.
Wow. He sucks.
Uh, but the good news is,
I got Saul's Discount Eyewear.
Wow. Yeah.
I am not a great negotiator, but whatever.
Let's just come up with a new plan.
The curse of
Penny's birthday strikes again.
Ow. Ow!
- What curse?
- Oh, nothing.
We just all decided that
your birthday was super cursed.
- Shh.
- Aah.
What?
That is ridiculous.
I mean, have I had some rough ones? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah,
I heard that!
But not being able to go
to our first-choice restaurant...
that is not the sign of a birthday curse.
Power outage.
The curse of Penny's birthday
has struck again.
Max, you're leaning on the light switch.
Oh.
The curse of Max's love handles
- has struck again.
- Guys, no worries.
There are a million restaurants
in this city.
I'm sure we'll find
a great for my birthday,
like, um...
Uh...
Hmm.
Did everybody else's mind
just go completely blank?
- Totally blank.
- Yep.
- Yeah, that was crazy.
- So black.
You know what I was thinking about?
If Mary Tyler Moore married
and then divorced Steven Tyler,
then married and divorced Michael Moore,
then got into a 3-way lesbian marriage
with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore,
would she go by the name
"Mary Tyler
Moore-Tyler-Moore-Moore-Moore"?
- I'm out.
- Okeydokey.
- Anyways.
- Yeah.
Ow.
Happy Endings 2x18 - Party of Six
Original air date March 14, 2012
Aaaah. I'm starving, you guys.
Let's throw out some restos.
This is a safe space.
All ideas are welcome,
as long as they're not stupid.
Well, you guys are in luck
'cause I kinda have a superpower
when it comes to picking
the perfect restaurant.
Al, do you remember Christmas night 2005?
We were with your diabetic cousin,
his vegan girlfriend,
and that hasidic Jew we met
at the theater...
third row, third cast, "rent."
Anyway, we never thought
we would agree on a restaurant
until, out of the blue,
I stand up and I say,
"Wu Palace."
True story.
Yeah. No reason to make that up.
That was a really beautiful story.
Do you have a suggestion?
- Wu Palace?
- Yeah, it closed five years ago.
Well, just give me a minute to think.
It's not like superman can just
fly whenever he wants.
- Yeah, he can.
- Uh, yeah, he really can.
Well, I don't care.
I am totally happy going wherevs.
I can go for Indian.
Oh, I already had that for lunch.
- I'd do Thai.
- I had Thai for lunch, too.
Barbecue?
Oh, my God.
Uh...
What about tapas? I could do El Toreador.
Oh, no, no. No dice.
- Mm.
- Can't go back there.
As they say in Spanish...
Jane and I got caught having sex
in the bathroom.
And a few other west-side restaurants
are trouble spots as well.
Mon dieu!
Ohh.
Hey, you guys mind if I tag in?
Why do you always get caught?
If we didn't want to get caught,
we'd just have sex at home.
Yeah, you dumb idiot.
I got it. Once again,
Dave Rose has the solush.
I have the perfect place,
a restaurant that will titillate
your senses, activate your neurons...
- Okay, I can't listen to this anymore.
- ...and send you...
I am way too hungry.
Let's just go to Medora
and call it a night.
- Yeah!
- Wait.
- That's great.
- Wait.
Do you guys want to hear my idea?
We don't care.
It's... it's a good idea.
Shh.
My superpower.
Wu Palace.
Oh, my God. That food smells so good.
I can't believe we were able
to get the last table.
It is my 29th birthday miracle.
- 31st.
- All right.
We'll split the difference,
call it 30.
It's still wrong.
Either way, there is no birthday curse.
I mean, I think this place
is even better than Big Dom's.
- Mm-hmm.
- - Oh, yeah. Totally.
You know who would love this place?
That barely-legal junk-box
that Dave brought
to Penny's birthday last year.
You know the one with the tramp stamp
and the tongue ring and the bad hat?
And she's right behind me, isn't she?
No.
Oh, that's 'cause she's over there.
What?!
Oh, my God. It's Jackie.
Guys, I did not know that Jackie
worked here. We can't stay.
The curse of Penny's birthday
- strikes again, my friends.
- What? Okay.
First of all, there is no curse.
Secondly, that was over a year ago.
She probably doesn't even remember us.
Well, look who it is.
My least favorite people ever.
Great to see you again.
- Here we GO!
- - That bitch still young.
So, Jackie, how's high school?
Well, Alex, if you must know,
I'm graduated.
- Oh.
- - Mm.
- That's good. Congrats.
- Now I'm waiting tables
to save money for stripping lessons
so that I can save money
for junior college.
- Got a lot on the burner.
- That's right.
- That's very responsible.
- Yeah, way to go.
And not that it's any
of your business, Dave,
but I'm dating a guy who has his own car
and could totally kick your ass.
Well, can he rent a U-haul
without his parents' signature?
Because I can.
His parents are dead.
Ah. So if this is uncomfortable for you...
we can get another waiter.
No. I'm super excited
about waiting on you guys.
I'm gonna make sure your food
gets extra special attention.
- Mm.
- Okay.
She's definitely gonna do
something sloppy to our food.
- Hell, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- No confusion on that.
- Absolutely.
You guys, she's not gonna do anything
to the food as she's a professional.
Yeah, well, when I was a waiter,
I was a professional, too,
unless you did something I didn't like,
and then I introduced your eggs Benedict
to my eggs and Benedict.
He's talking about
his Sackman and Throbin.
Here you go.
Fried calamari. On the house. Enjoy.
There was something
objectively creepy about that.
Guys, it's no bigs. Let's just
go to another restaurant.
Oh, fine, but I am starving,
and I don't want to hear
any of this "ooh,
I can't go there" stuff...
- Yeah.
- ...okay?
The first place someone says,
that's where we're going.
- Silvers.
- Ohh. I can't go there.
- Why?
- Yeah, remember when I used to work there?
I got fired because me and management
didn't exactly see eye to eye
about some of their
ancillary distribution policies.
Mm.
You guys got the cash?
I got the stuff. I got a bone-in rib eye.
Inside it goes for $30.
I'll give it to you for $10.
I got a Kansas City...
Who buys half-eaten steak?
Aha, David!
"Certified pre-owned" steak, and no one.
Aah! I have a brain idea. El Agave.
- Yes!
- Yes. El Agave!
It's so much fun,
and they'll fry anything.
Oh, I don't know. That might be
a little weird for Brad.
It used to be
kind of a breakup spot for him.
You had a restaurant
specifically to break up with people?
Ah, yes. El Agave.
It was perfect. There was a mariachi band,
the silverware was plastic,
and the tables were bolted to the ground.
- I really think we need to see other people.
- You little bitch!
Great story, Brad, but can we stop
sitting around here reminiscing
like a bunch of homos
and start getting over to El Agave
and shoving our face with tacos
like a bunch of homos?
- Yeah.
- I'm not really
a fan of El Agave.
Have you been there?
Yeah, you took me there once...
when we were dating.
I don't...
- Oh, uh, you got the pizza menu.
- I want to see the pizzas.
Uh... hmm? What is this?
Why don't they put pizzas on all the menus?
Oh, what's that over there?
Where's the other menu, guys? It... it...
Why don't you explain to me
why you took me
to your breakup restaurant, Brad?
Well, for the record, it wasn't
just my breakup restaurant.
It was also my "impress a date
with my Spanish" restaurante.
Ohh. Isn't that sweet?
I don't remember you speaking
any Spanish that night.
In fact, instead of ordering tacos,
you asked for "meat, lettuce, and cheese"
"in one of those crispy,
half-moon envelope thingies."
Okay, before you guys go any further down
the rabbit hole of this fight,
can I just say something?
Jane, there's no food in your purse!
I'm wasting away over here,
and all you have is a bunch
of newspaper clippings from when
you used to figure skate.
What the hell is
wrong with you?
You were so good.
Yeah... ner!
I'm gonna go to the bar
and destroy myself,
so why don't you come get me
when you pick out a restaurant?
Oh, and preferably one that
my husband didn't take me to
to curb-stomp my heart.
The curse has got Jane.
For the last time, there is no curse.
I mean, are two
of my best friends fighting
on my birthday?
Yes, but, you know,
is Max dangerously close
to eating tainted squid?
Yes.
I could do it.
I once ate a bunch of peanut butter
I found in a mousetrap,
- and it did not kill me.
- You ate that?
She definitely urinated on this.
These are minor setbacks,
and I am not gonna let anything
ruin my 29th...
31st.
...agree to disagree... birthday.
It's still wrong.
You were born 31 years ago.
Well, faster than a speeding bullet,
I've got a new idea. Table 23.
- What do you say?
- Yes!
- Yes! I love table 23.
- Jane loves that place,
and maybe it'll help her cool off.
Actually, Jane hasn't been welcome there
since she challenged
their no-substitutions policy.
My cheese, my choice, all righty?
Look at that. It looks great.
Okay. All right.
Tell my story!
We restaurant owners
absolutely hate substitutions.
I mean, would you tell Armani
where to put the buttons?
No, so I will not put
the aioli on the side, Jeff.
Dude, you gotta stop calling
yourself a restaurant owner.
Restaurants don't have windshield wipers.
I think what's going on here is
that everyone's blood sugar
is a little bit low.
Is that a straw harpoon?
We just need to calm down...
- Wait. When did you make that?
- ...get some food in us,
and let cooler heads prevail.
This ends now. Brad. Brad!
- Huh?
- You go fix things with your wife.
I want to see if he's gonna...
Just go!
I cannot believe I'm going to do this,
but I am gonna go and smooth
things over with Jackie.
You two stay here and keep an eye on Max.
My bad.
Damn it!
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm holding this.
Yeah, they... everyone thought,
you know, gold medal.
And the kicker is Oksana Baiul
stole all of my moves...
Hey, boo. So...
Do not "boo" me, okay?
Can't you see I am hanging out
with my new friend Andy?
- Is this the guy?
- Okay. Chill down, Andy.
- He'll eat your world.
- Listen, Jane...
you were right.
I was planning on breaking up
with you that night...
Oh, that's great news.
Thanks so much for the update.
But it was because things
were getting so serious,
and I was young,
and I was scared, and...
- And stupid.
- ...st... stupid...
Yep. There it is.
But you know what happened instead?
So I think we should talk.
Oh. Hold that thought.
I will have the fajita enchiladas,
but instead of strips of chicken,
I'd like it to be cubed, and I'd like
the onions well-done
but the peppers crunchy.
Also I'd like the plate to be sizzling,
but I'd like to request
that you not tell me
to "be careful. The plate is hot."
I know it's hot. It's a sizzling plate.
And after that, I knew I'd never
go back to that restaurant.
Because I made the waiter cry
and we got our pictures put up
by the bounced checks?
That was part of it,
but I also knew I'd never need
a breakup restaurant again,
'cause I found a woman who was
so sure of what she wanted,
and she wanted me.
Plus, you have
freakish upper body strength
and probably could have
unbolted that table
and beat me with it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you could have.
- I could have.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
- You strong.
- Mm! Like a man!
- Strong like a man!
Mm!
- Mm.
- - Mm.
You wanna get outta here?
Read the room, dude.
Mm.
All right, Jackie. Let's be honest.
You're not my favorite,
but tonight is not about us.
It is about my friend Penny's birthday,
and I am sorry that last year I called you
an underage slut, et cetera,
but if there is any way that
you could bring us some food
that isn't laced with your bodily fluids,
it would really help us out of a jam.
I didn't do anything to your food, Alex,
but I did just slash
the tires to Dave's Altima.
That's what you get
for not calling me back
after taking me to the prom.
Okay, Dave doesn't drive an Altima.
Hold up. He took you to your...
Prom? You went to her prom?
Was there food?
What was the food situation?
Was there, like, an omelet bar?
Was there a buffet?
Yes, okay, I went to her prom,
but only because I was writing
a newspaper story
for the "Chicago Sun Times,"
and my boss, Garry Marshall,
was breathing down my neck!
"Never Been Kissed."
Fine. The real reason I went to prom was
'cause I'm sorta pathetic.
Yeah, we realized that
when you cast yourself
as the Drew Barrymore character
in "Never Been Kissed."
Oh, come on, Dave. What's pathetic about
a grown man attending a high school prom?
Ooh! Did you lose your virginity
like you always hoped you would?
You're just jealous
because you missed your prom.
She was dating a poet that told her
that prom was a holiday invented
by the tuxedo companies.
Nathan wasn't a poet! He was a bard!
Guys, please just stop fighting, okay?
The important thing is,
Jackie told us it is safe to eat here,
so can we please order
and enjoy yourselves?
A 29th birthday comes around
but once in a lifetime.
31st.
Uh, you know what?
You know what? You're right.
Happy 29th birthday.
- Happy 29th birthday.
- Happy 29th birthday.
Okay. Thank you. Okay?
Yes.
B-day back on track. No curse.
I'm sorry. I have to ask you all to leave.
I just caught your friends
in the bathroom having sex.
Guess what, guys?
We made up.
Yay.
- All right.
- All right...
You know, I've been thinking a lot
about this restaurant problem
we're having,
and I think I came up with a solution.
We are too "inside the box."
We've gotta branch out...
talk about restaurants
that maybe don't exist.
For example, where does Gollum eat?
Okay, just let it go.
Sir? Thank you.
Look, you guys were right. I mean, I think
this birthday curse is a real thing.
It is like... it's like the Madden curse.
What does your birthday have to do...
with being on the cover of a video game?
No. The Becky Madden curse.
She's a girl I went to camp with.
Oh, she had the worst luck.
One time she peed all over herself...
in the middle of a ropes course in
front of everyone...
and then last year,
she was killed in a murder-suicide
- at the state fair.
- Ohh.
Sorry for your loss.
No. Penny, you are not
gonna give up now, okay?
I'm sure things are about to turn around.
We're all gonna go get in your c...
...car.
Oh! That's an Altima.
I just paid that off.
- Uh...
- I think, uh...
guess I will be walking home.
No. Penny!
We're gonna make your birthday awesome,
whether you like it or not, okay?
- Tonight we break the curse.
- - Yeah.
That curse should be scared of us,
because we are a bunch
of criminals and sex addicts
with terrible judgment,
- and we can ruin anything...
- Yes.
- ...we put our minds to, and you know what?
- That's what's up.
- We are gonna ruin that stupid curse.
- Oh, yeah.
Great moments are born
from great opportunity.
That's what we have here tonight.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sick and tired of hearing
how great a hockey team the Soviets have.
Screw 'em.
Yeah... wait.
Is that the Kurt Russell speech
from "Miracle"?
It's their time up there.
It's our time... our time down here,
and it's all over the second
we ride up Troy's bucket.
Now she's doing "Goonies."
She's all over the place.
We gotta do what we should have
done from the beginning.
We gotta take Big Dom's back.
- Yes! Thank you.
- No way!
That's Nick's place.
He goes there every night.
If we go to ten restaurants,
we may get kicked out of nine,
but not that restaurant, not tonight,
so let's get it out there and take it!
Now she's back to "Miracle."
She's having a tiny stroke.
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Ooooh!...
Unh!
Aaah.
Kerkovich, party of six.
We're not taking no for an answer.
Sure. Your table is right this way.
Oh, right.
We never canceled the reservation.
All right. So what do we do?
How do we even take back a restaurant?
Okay, first things first.
We knock out the busboys.
We take their uniforms.
Then we look for a heating duct.
Now here is where things get complicated.
Dave, how quickly can you grow a mustache?
- Quicker than most.
- Doesn't matter.
Once we get crawling in the heating ducts,
there's a possibility...
Now that I got some food in me,
I think climbing
through the vents is
a little bit excessive,
and knocking out the busboys is just mean.
Why don't we just sit here
like normal people
and have a normal meal?
Yeah. You guys, I... I'm sorry.
I was being so crazy.
I don't know why I ever had
any problem with this...
There's Nick.
So your first instinct
is to hide under the table?
What's the endgame here?
I've made a huge mistake.
Don't tell him that I'm here!
Hey. You're, uh, Penny's friends, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
She's not here with you?
Maybe. No. I don't know.
She's all around us.
Well, we had this arrangement that
she would stay away from here.
Yeah, we're all privy
to your arrangement, Nick,
and as a restaurant owner,
I find it offensive.
Nobody should own a restaurant
except people like me,
a restaurant owner.
Dude, give it up.
Whatever. When you see Penny,
tell her that I left
some pretty important stuff
- at her place. I would like it back.
- - Hey.
- You know what, buddy?
- - Tell her yourself,
because she's right here,
and she's standing tall.
I mean, emotionally standing tall.
Technically, I am under the table.
Why are you under the table?
Because I can go
wherever I want whenever I want,
and... and my blouse is
caught on something.
Mm. She got caught.
- That's... that's what's happened to her.
- Makes a lot of sense
- why she would still be under there.
- - Yeah.
But you don't get Big Dom's, Nick.
You don't get to ban me from anywhere,
a... and if you're uncomfortable
seeing me somewhere,
then just stay away.
Oh, and, Nick?
One more thing before you go.
A-get a-to a-steppin'!
We did it. The birthday curse
is officially defeated.
Y...
- Aah!
- Oh, no.
Okeydokey.
- Ohh.
- No. You know what?
I'm fine with this,
because all that matters is that
Big Dom's is ours again.
I am sorry, ma'am.
This is a family restaurant.
I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
Yeah, that's a solid policy.
We'll see ourselves on out.
- Yeah.
- - U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
♪ Ay
U.S.A.!
You see?
- Mmm.
- I told you guys I'd come up
- with the perfect place.
- Yeah. Rosalita's.
Great save. We literally come
here every night.
This place is my emergency contact,
mostly because someone says
I don't know what is
and is not an emergency.
You are welcome.
Guys, we should have just come
here in the first place,
although I do wish
I'd gone to the bathroom
before Brad and Jane got in there.
Well, the good news is,
it's a minute to midnight,
so you survived your birthday.
Yes, and I overcame the birthday curse.
No more curses!
No more curses!
Well, this cannot be good for you.
- Oh.
- She just wants the salt.
- Oh, she just wants the salt.
- She just wants the salt.
She just...
Aah!
Oh my God, did we just switch bodies?
Here we GO!
My God, you guys, this pizza is amazing!
I'm Dave.