Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 9 - Ordinary Extraordinary Love - full transcript

Beer for Alex, Penny,
and my boo,

and one "surprise me"...

...for Dave.

What is it?

Hmm. Let's see.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm getting hints of lingonberry,
some bruised fig and...

It's flat ginger ale.
Flat ginger ale.

Oh! What a palate.

Thank you for the drinks, Jane.

Oh, God, it's nothing.
I am rolling in it.



Sold four cars today.

Wow! I'm gonna go pay the tab.

All right, man.
Come here.

Mmm.
Mmm.

My baby could sell snow
to an Eskimo.

And by "snow," I mean cocaine.

Eskimos traditionally don't have
a lot of disposable income,

so it's a pretty impressive
sales feat

if you really think about it.
You know what I mean?

What I'm saying is
I'm proud of my baby.

I love how cool you are with
Jane being the breadwinner

and you staying home.

It is like postgender city,
population progress.

Yeah, you're like, "I'm Brad,
and I'm basically a woman.



"I got an inverted wiener and my
boobs squirt milk. Postgender."

Okay, let's not get
carried away, okay?

I'm still all man up in here.

Hey, honey, do you have a pen?

Uno momento, my dear.

Oh! Mmm.

That's great.

Tissue.

Iron Girl.

Can never find anything in here.

Why do you have socks?

In case we go dancing.

Mmm-hmm.

Ah-ha!

Hey, jerks, shut up!

Hey, shut up, you jerks!

Focus on me, idiots!

Why can't I meet a nice guy?
I'm nice.

Not nice.
Totally off-putting.

You just stole my beer.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you bought
it for me and set it over there.

Guys, I'm in a
real man drought right now.

Well, how do you normally
meet guys?

I don't mean to sound cocky,
but they always come to me.

Thanks.

Oh, are you gay?

Max, maybe you just need
to get out more.

Right. Out there.

Yes.

So what you're saying is,
become a delivery man myself,

meet them at their homes,

get to paid to have sex
and eat free food.

Jane, you beautiful
broomstick, I love it,

but here is the rub with that.

That basically makes me
a prostitute,

which means I'm gonna
fall in love with the game,

and there's no way
my pizzeria manager/pimp

is gonna let me out of the game.

I mean, I'm his top earner.

Jane, ya dumb lamppost,

your plan is garbage!

There were people here before.

Well, boo, I am
off to the therapist.

I think we are finally gonna get to
the bottom of her control issues.

Oh, you know what? Could you
call the guy about the dimmer?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

Bye, guys.
Okay.

Bye.

Did you hear that?
"Call the guy"?

Real men don't call the guy.
Real men am the guy.

That is not English.

That's okay.
The guy you call

probably won't speak English either.

Oof. Sorry.
I just visited my nana.

No, seriously, Jane doesn't
think I'm man enough

to do stuff like this.

Dude, show her that you are.

Install the dimmer. I'll help.
I'm pretty handy.

I actually Bob Vila'd the squeak
out of a cabinet last week.

You used butter, and then you
tried to make croissants

and didn't have enough butter

and then screamed
into a brown bag.

I know what I screamed into.
Okay.

God, you women would
not know a real man

unless he came up and
slapped you in the face.

I meant that in... in a
figure of speech kind of way,

not a domestic violence
kind of way.

Bro, do you want to man it up

and install this dim-dog
ourselves?

Is Val Kilmer my spirit animal?

I don't know.
You betcha.

So yeah, I wanna man it up.

Yeah! Uhh!

Oh, God! Yeah, pump it.
Pump it.

Pump it.
I'm veining out, bro.

What's happening?
I am veining out.

Good luck on your date.
Your dress is amazing.

Thank you.

And you're gonna love
that restaurant.

Actually, let me write down
the dish you must get.

Here.

Ribs.

Trust me.

See you later.

Bye!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'm gonna die!

Me, too!
I mean, we all are,

but why are we talking
about that now? It's sad.

Duh! That's Winnie McCray.

Duh! She's only, like, the
biggest pop star on the planet.

Duh was the name
of her last album?

Honestly, I haven't been
too interested in music

since Smash Mouth left the game.

Well, Winnie sings these,
like, cheesy teen love songs,

like Ordinary Love,
with lyrics like,

"Nobody knows what I'm like,
but they want to be like me."

I mean, I think that's
how it goes. I don't know.

"Think I'm on top of the
world, but it's on top of me."

It's so stupid!

♪ I'm just like everyone else
and I'm looking for...

Mucho barfo.

♪ Ordinary

♪ Extraordinary love

♪ Hee, hoo ♪

Smash Mouth she ain't.

You do realize that
selling Winnie a dress

could help out
your store big-time?

Of course I realize that.

But first, you tell me how you
think that's gonna happen,

and then I'll probably
say the same thing.

Well, it's PR. 101.
Right.

We tell the paparazzi where
Winnie's going on her date,

then they photograph her
in the dress, and boom!

Xela dresses are
the hottest fashion item

since Bicycle Joe Steroid's
little yellow cheater bracelets.

Think about it.

So awesome.
Still thinking.

Well, we don't have all day.

Hang on.

You got it.

No, I was just thinking
about Smash Mouth.

Well...

It's official.

I am retiring from gay.

That's right.
I'm straight now.

From this moment forward,

it's gonna be a steady diet
of boobs and dudes.

Damn it.

I am no longer
interested in men.

I am only interested in men.

Come on. What?

From this moment forward, it will
be a steady diet of chicks with...

Damn it.

I love guys.

Mmm.

My favorite thing to touch is...

The penis.

Okay, what happened?

I went to a gay bar last night,

and nobody spoke to me.

Not even a whiff.

Let me guess the name of the bar.
This is so fun.

Manhole. Backdoor.
Club Tush. Dreamballs.

Club Tush again.
Is it Club Tush?

It was Greg's, Jane.

The gay bar was called Greg's.

Oh, yeah, no, that's...

That's a...
That's clever.

Max, hello!
What?

I just haven't
said hello yet. Hi.

Oh, hey, buddy.

And also hello, it was
twink night at Greg's.

Nobody's gonna hit on you.
You're not a twink.

I am too a twink.
What's a twink?

A guy who eats
a lot of Twinkies.

A thin, sweet,
smooth pretty boy.

Oh. It's one of our
many gay categories.

We have our bears,
our queens, our daddies,

our sugar caddies, our
maple-smoked sausage patties,

our Belgian waffles, and
of course, our 6-tops.

Fun fact. Those last four
are just things that are

in this room, but you
believed me because...

you are stupid!

Wow. And what, pray
tell, are you?

I'm a soft, soft, soft,
soft, soft butch.

Well, if I'm not a twink,
what am I?

Oh, Max, I can't tell you that.

Every gay must
find himself himself.

Okay.
I know what you're doing.

You're gay Yoda-ing me.
Wait. Is that redundant?

I have an idea.
Let's all go out tonight

and find Max's gay identity.

The gays love me.
I'm a total hag.

You don't think
the gays love me?

How did you know?

I could feel the wind.

The wind of your head shake.

You have nothing in your teeth.

We are so geared
up for this man task.

Beef jerky, cheap beer,

old-school top-loading boom box.

Hey. We good
on drop cloths?

I got 70, but we could
always get more.

Hey, you know what's manly?
Little handprint on the thigh.

Like you had to wipe off but
were too busy to get a towel.

Let's do this.

Let's do this. Ha-ha!

- Uh!
- Uh!

Careful.
Careful. Easy.

Ah. Whoa!
Whoa. Whoa.

Hey!

Hot stuff coming through!

I approve this message.

Yeah! Ha-ha!

Tweet-twoo!

Oh, tweet-twoo to you, too.

Oh. I didn't realize

you guys are going to install
the dimmer yourselves.

Mmm-hmm.
That's great.

Hey, did you detect any sarcasm

when she said, "That's great"?

Duh! She pretty much
laughed in our faces

and dared us to
install this dimmer.

Well, let's freaking show her.

Hand me the hammer.

Oh!

You know what?
Forgot to get the tools,

and the hardware store's closed.

Fresh eyes tomorrow.
Fresh eyes.

I kinda feel bad about spilling
the beans on Winnie's date.

If she didn't want people to know she
was here, why would she tell you?

I just have one of
those faces that says,

"Where are you eating?" 'Cause
my mouth is on my face,

and that's what
my mouth is saying.

Al, she's a celeb.

They're not like real people.

She wanted you to leak it
so the press would show up.

It's a dunce.
Okay, she likes this.

I bet if she were
to show up right now,

- she would be happy and thank us.
- She's coming out!

Winnie. Winnie. Over here.

Over here. MAN 4:
Winnie, who's your boyfriend?

What are you doing in Chicago?

Who are
you wearing, Winnie? Oh!

I'm sorry. This is...
This is really crazy. I...

I gotta go.
I'm sorry.

Kyle?

What is wrong with you people?

Looks like you got a great
story for your tabloids!

"Winnie gets dumped."

I have another headline
for you...

"Winnie smashes
the camera!"

Aah!

Over here!

Oh. And I'm wearing a dress
by Xela, you!

And that's my car.

Aah!

Ugh! You promised we were
gonna get good publicity.

Now I'm in the middle of a
celebrity meltdown that I started.

I'm just trying to run an
honest Christian establishment.

Relax.
This is my specialty.

I can spin this,

which is why everyone at work
calls me the old spinster.

Watch me work.

All right, everybody, listen up.

Penny Hartz, PR Maven.

Yes, Winnie McCray
had a meltdown.

Yes, it was right after
she bought a Xela dress.

But are those two things
necessarily related?

Aw, shyeah!

Winnie's not the story, folks.

Xela's the story.

What is it about a Xela dress
that makes good girls go bad?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Mmm?
What are you doing?

I'm doing coy poses. Go with it.
Is my eyebrow arched?

No. Little help? Little help?

Hmm?

Okay, I have mapped out

every gay subculture
gathering in the city,

and we are going to hit them
all until we figure out which

of these incredibly specific
categories you belong to.

Are you ready to continue your
quest, young grasshopper?

Just to clarify, "young grasshopper"
isn't your gay category,

because you don't have the
legs, and you old, bitch.

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Ostrich Night.

♪ All my life

♪ I've been chasing
that dream

♪ Losing time

♪ Finding out about Winnie

Ginger Snaps.

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ It's like a movie scene

♪ Technicolor, slo-mo

♪ Burstin' into smithereens

♪ Oh, oh, oh

Chameleon Night.

Sweet. This place
is empty, Jane.

It's actually at full capacity.

♪ They wanna be like me

♪ Think I'm on top of the
world, but it's on top of me

♪ I'm just like everyone else
and I'm looking for

♪ An ordinary

♪ Extraordinary love

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

Okay, we have had some setbacks,

but I just think you need
to meet some guys

that have the same
interests as you.

So tonight features...

Beers and Bulls.

I like drinking beer.
Uh, yeah.

I love watching the Bulls.

Uh, yeah.

I like these guys.

Hey, man.
Where's the Bulls game?

We're the bulls...

Oh, no! Lesbians!

And this is strictly
an Orlando magic bar.

Why?

It's not a choice, buddy.
I was born in Orlando.

Ugh.

The only Orlando I like

starts with Tony
or ends with Bloom.

Aw, you're sad.
Oh.

Oh, rock bottom.

That's your emotional state,

but it's also the name of
the next bar we're going to.

Let's go.

Mmm...

Oh! Hey, I think I finally found
a stud with the stud finder.

Right here.

Oh, I think there might
be one more...

Right here!

God! How are we
the first people

to think of making
stud finder jokes?

I don't know, but we are!

Oh!

Ah. Should we finish this thing?

Yes. Together.

Righty tighty.
Righty tighty.

Not too fast.
Okay.

Righty tighty.
Righty tighty.

Righty tighty.
Righty tighty.

Righty tighty.
Righty tighty.

Nice job, my man.

Ah-ha!

It's cool. It's cool.

This kind of thing happens.
Just clearing my man throat.

Ahem.
Ahem.

Should I try it again?
Yeah.

Yeah. Just...

Yes.
Thanks.

Sweet rebranding!

We are working
this Winnie meltdown hard.

And usually rebranding doesn't work.
Look at KFC.

Sorry, guys, but you are always gonna
be Kitchen Fresh Chicken to me.

I gotta hand it to you, Penny.
You were right.

Well, that's the reason everyone
at work calls me undateable,

'cause you can't put a date on the last
time I was wrong about a PR-related issue.

Yeah, you really knocked it
out of the park this time.

Thank you!

It's nice to get some
unsolicited recognish from a...

disgraced pop star.

Hi.
Hi.

All right, bye.
Bye. Bye, bye, bye. Bye.

Bye, everybody. Gotta go. Have a
good night. Thanks for coming. Bye.

So...
So...

Nutty times.

It might be possible

that we tipped off the paparazzi
about your super secret date.

Yeah, I know.

You were the only one I told
I was going to dinner.

Well, the good news is,
it looks like it worked out

for all of us. Let's call it a night.

No, it didn't.
I really like that guy.

A lot.

Okay, we
have to make this up to her.

You're right.
I'll take this one.

Look, Winnie,
we are really sorry.

Look, you look chilled, okay?

Why don't you put on this special
edition jacket, all right?

Here you go.

No, okay?
This is enough.

Winnie, we are really
genuinely sorry.

I just saw a PR opportunity, and I went
full speed ahead like a runaway train,

which is why everyone in my office
calls me an absolute train wreck.

Wait. I'm starting to question
these loving nicknames.

Finally.

Anyways, we didn't mean
to hurt you.

We just never think of
celebrities as real people.

It's okay.

Celebrities don't think of you
guys as real people either.

You shouldn't.
We're garbage.

I believe we
proved that tonight.

Uh, yeah, we did.

I just wish I had
a little privacy sometimes

so I could date a nice,
normal guy like Kyle.

But I guess I can't.

Wow.

You really are just a girl looking
for ordinary extraordinary love.

And you know what?
So am I.

And funny fact,

I actually wrote a similar song once...
Some might say better.

It was called Give A
Penny, Take A Penny.

♪ Give a penny,
take a pen... ♪

Please don't sing. I hate
music that's not mine.

Looks like the paparazzi
found me.

Ooh.

So I might've texted them
that you were here,

but that was our
heartfelt resolution, so...

I know. Has anyone ever told
you you look exactly like me?

No. I have an idea based on
our uncanny resemblance.

Max!

Are you ready to continue

your long gay's journey
into night?

I guess it comes to this.

No!
Max!

No! No.
Max! Ew!

I don't fit into any
of the gay subcultures.

I'm too hairy to be a seal.

I'm too seal to be a hairy.

So I'm just gonna shave down

for power seal night
at Club Tush.

I knew there was a Club Tush.

Max!

Max. Max. Max. Max. Max.
Max. Max. Max. Max.

Max, Max, Max!

Max. Max. Max. Max!

Max. Max!

What? Just please
tell me what I am.

I don't know, all right?

I thought you would
figure it out,

then I would take credit
for it, but...

You're like
Anne Hathaway's accents.

You're all over the place.

He is right.

According to my math,
you are 10% panther,

15% wolf, 0% twink,

and 40% body fat.

I guess no one will ever
love me.

Now I know how webisodes feel.

But, Max, you're actually lucky
to not be in a category.

I've been pigeonholed ever
since I came out of my mom.

You know,
I looked back and I said,

"I'm never gonna get near
one of those things again."

Mmm! Mmm-mmm. But I'm not complaining.
I love being incredible.

But do I wonder
what it would be like

to be less incredible?

Well, of course I
think deep stuff like that.

I'm incredible.

Don't bend to fit
other people's groups.

Make your own.

You know what?
You guys are right.

Bring it in.

Oh! Mmm.
Mmm!

Is that whipped cream?

No, it's actually Greek yogurt.

Oh. It's the closest
shave you can get...

From a yogurt.

Oh.

Mmm. It's probably
a circuit breaker.

Yep. That's what
I was thinkin'.

Circuit breaker.

The ol' CB.

Can't live
with circuit breakers,

can't live without 'em.

You don't know what a
circuit breaker is, do you?

Whoa, bro. Whoa.

You questioning my manhood, bro?
Maybe.

You didn't even know
the difference between

a Phillips head screwdriver

and a screwdriver
with the other... head.

So you know what? I am way
more of a man than you.

That is malarkey, sir.

Malarkey?
Yeah.

That is flat-out malarkey.

Sir, I do doth protest.

I don't protest, all right?

I am way more of a man
than you'll ever be!

Not true, man.

Jane, I'm
winning the man-am games.

I deadlifted this plate
chair six times.

I broke the five times barrier.

David?

Okay.

"Arm wrestling.

"Toaster toss.

"Naming types of sharks."

Guess who won that.

What is this?
Like a pissing contest?

Oh, I already won that event.

Oh.

The limo's here.

Okay, so you're just gonna get
out there and go right in it.

Right. And then the
paparazzi will follow.

Do I look like Winnie?

Now you do. Get out!

Okay!
Go!

Okay! Okay! Okay!
Go! Go! Go!

Here she is!

Oh!

Ugh!

It's not even her.

How could I have
hit my big head again?

My big head is so big.

Thanks, Dave.

Okay, nobody
knows that you're here.

And this time, your secret is safe.
I promise.

So enjoy your secret date.

Hey, Winnie.

Miss McCray, Alex has
specifically requested

that you not be given
VIP treatment tonight.

That would be lovely.
Thank you.

There's only one problem.

Here at Steak Me Home
Tonight, everyone is a VIP.

Ugh. Dave.

I'll drive.

So cute.

Look, I know you're mad,

but the only reason
I even did all this

is because you've been making me
feel insecure about my manhood.

Brad, don't get freaked out

because I am making mad coin
at the car dealership.

I'm stressin'.

This manhood stuff
is all in your head.

I mean, you could not be acting
more like a man right now.

Stupid, stubborn, and smelly.

Seriously, did you power
wash this place with farts?

So you're saying I'm a man?

Oh, you...

are all man.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Hey-o!

Damn it!

It's just you guys.

What? We're here
to support you.

Yeah, it can't be easy to
start a new gay subculture

with one day's notice
and, knowing you,

a completely bungled
marketing strategy.

I put an add
in The Sacramento Bee.

Looks like we got here
just in time.

Your banner's crooked.

Let's do this, bro.
Yeah.

Ha-ha!

Excuse me.

Is this Optimistic
Red-Velvet Walrus Night?

Oh.

Yeah.

Yes, it is.
Great.

What is that?

Well, I don't know.
I made it up.

Why would you come, then?

I don't know.

I don't really fit
into those other categories,

so I thought
I'd give this one a shot.

I'm Max.

I'm Alan.
Awesome.

Alan. That's cool.
That's a good name.

Guys!

That might be an optimistic
red-velvet walrus.

Oh, man, this place is empty.

But I'll bet it's
all gonna work out.

Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, let's do this.
What's my gay category?

Okay.
You're a twink,

but I've seen you eat,
so you're a sloppy twink,

- which is not as much fun as it sounds.
- Mmm.

Penny, you drink a lot,
you are really loud,

and you have a lot of embarrassing
stories about dating?

Bitch, you are a hag!

Well, I used to be a beard,
so I'll take that as a win.

I thought I was a hag.

Nope. You're a top,
plain and simple.

Damn right I am.

Oh! I know what I am.

I am a scruffy power bottom,

because I have a goatee and I
do lots of glute exercises.

Your reasoning is wrong, but
your conclusion is correct.

Do me!
Do me!

Oh, would that I could.

Would that I freaking could.

Um...

Damn! Damn!
Aah! Aah!

Oh!
Damn! Damn!