Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 21 - Unsabotagable - full transcript

Guys, this is the best laundry
party I've ever thrown.

You can't just stick the word "party"
on anything and make it fun.

You're just mad because you
missed Brad's gum surgery party.

Well, save the date,
because next week

I'm having
an asymmetrical mole removed.

The theme will either be
"Dressed to the benigns"

or "It's time to get my
affairs in order." Hmm.

Ooh! That's
a lot of laundry, buddy.

Actually, this is all candy. Oh.

Yeah. I trick-or-treated
my way over here.

It's not even close
to Halloween.



Yeah, but it turns out if
you ring someone's doorbell

and then scream in their face "Trick
or treat?" as loud as you can,

they'll just give you
whatever they have on them.

This one guy, he gave
me all his laundry.

Hmm? And the cool thing
is that it's all XXL,

so I have room to grow into it.

You're a terrifying individual.

Oh, hey, Dave, you wanna throw
your shirts in with mine?

Oh, no, no, no. These... These
require special attention.

In fact, sometimes I throw them on wet and
run-dry them so they keep their shape.

But then I get all sweaty, and
it's like, here we go again!

Would not change a thing
about what you're doing.

- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.

There's a groupon at the aquarium
to swim with the dolphins.



Mama likes dolphins.

Nope.
Hey!

Mama always does this.

You see something you like,
you buy it,

and then you lose interest immediately.
You're too impulsive.

I am not too impulsive.

You bought us
a timeshare in Tampa.

The lady at the kiosk said it's
the Sacramento of the east.

Now we gotta go to Tampa
every year.

Tampa's not a place that you go.

It's a place that you end up.

My bitch is the same way.
What?

Brad buys so much junk on QVC,
we could start our own show.

But we won't.

Whatever, Jane.
It's not junk, all right?

For example, while you porkers
have been doing laundry,

I've been sitting here, getting a
killer ab workout with my new...

Electro Ab Belt.

The electro-pulse stimulation...

Uhh!
Tones and shapes your...

...abs.

Huh?

For improved muscle defi...

...nition!

Anyway...

I predict that Alex buys the
groupon and never uses it.

I am absolutely gonna use it.

Okay, how many unredeemed
groupons do you have currently?

What?

Hmm?

How many?
Eleven.

Eleven. Okay. Well, I think it's
time that you learned a lesson.

Tell you what. If you use all
your groupons in one week,

I'll buy you that
dolphin groupon and

I'll do it with ya.

You're on, ping-pong.

Mmm. Okay.
Well, good luck, Alex.

I'm rooting for you.

Okay? You all right?

What I meant to say is,
I'm in your...

...corner.

Ow! Oh, God!

It's just... It's not
even pulsing anymore.

Ow!

Get that off of him.
It's just constant.

I don't...
Ow!

So painful!
It shocked me!

Take it off! All right. I'm trying.
I don't know where...

Ohh.

I need to sit on a trash bag.
We need a trash bag. We just...

No! It's happens.
It just happens.

It's okay. It's okay.

Last time I was there, I
think I left a suede jacket.

I'd love to get that back,
with or without the cat.

Oh, PS. There's a live cat
living in that jacket.

Oh, my God.

I see the guy
whose life I ruined,

who in turn vowed to ruin mine.

If you find my coat cat, he
answers to the name "Coat Cat."

Gotta go. Bye!

Hey, Chase.

Buddy, old pal.
You know what's cool?

The last time we saw each other,

we left things
on the best terms possible.

I've been looking for you, Max.

To tell me that
you're back at work

and that you're back
with your wife?

Nope. Thanks to you,
I'm still unemployed,

and my ex-wife's engaged
to my brother.

I'd kill myself,

but guess who has to give
a toast at their wedding?

Ooh, boy. That is rough'em
stuff'em robots, pal.

I've been following you
for weeks,

trying to craft a plan
to ruin your life.

Funny thing is,
your life is so pathetic

I doubt I can make it any worse.

It's un-sabotagable.

Hey. Come on. I got a
lot of stuff going on.

I, uh, recently
bought a ladle...

For soups.

I, uh... I read half an
article on fish oil.

And, uh, I just learned
how to do the Heimlich.

Can even do it on myself, so now
chewing food is my prerogative.

Your life sucks.

You have no job, no love life.

Your apartment is disgusting.

I considered releasing
rats in there,

but you already had rats in
there way bigger than mine.

Don't beat yourself up, pal.

We're all just raising our
rats the best we can.

What I'm trying to say is,
I'm not gonna ruin your life

because it's impossible to ruin
something that's already terrible.

It'd be like adding more moms
to Facebook.

Penny, aren't you sick of paying
a professional ear cleaner

to come to your house

and painfully remove
your unwanted canal wax?

Look, Brad, I know Jane's making you
sell all your little gadgets, but...

Well, now you don't have to...

With the revolutionary
Ear Genie. Try it out.

No!

What?

No, I do not wanna buy
your used ear cleaner.

Totally understand.
I get it.

Let's talk shoes.

How are you heating yours?

I have a problem!
I need help!

I have a problem and I need help.
No! Me!

Okay, okay. Alex first.
Alex first.

Yes. Okay. Thank you.

So you know how Dave challenged
me to do all these groupons?

I keep getting distracted.

I didn't even make it to my
pottery class this morning.

Ohh! It was
a total puppy pile-on.

So you never used
your pottery groupon?

Which means you still have 11.
Twelve.

The puppy store lady said
that there was a groupon

for eyelash extensions.
I need those!

I have my dad's
stubby eyelashes.

You guys have to do
these groupons with me,

keep me on track.

Well, as the author of several
dozen cries for help,

I know a good one
when I hear one.

But we have to be fair.

In the interest of conducting
a civil discourse,

the fat slob from Illinois
has the floor.

Thank you. Now you guys
remember Chase, right?

Oh, yeah. Yes. Super cool
guy, vowed to ruin your life.

That's the one. Well, he said
that my life is so pathetic

that it is un-sabotagable.

So I need to improve my life
to prove him wrong.

Hmm.

- Huh.
- Hmm.

Well, Max...

You know we love a challenge.
Mmm-hmm.

But that's not
so much a challenge

as it is a suicide mission.
So we're gonna go with Alex!

Yes!

Sorry, brah.
You're on your ahn.

You ain't Private Ryan,

and I ain't shaking hands
with Tom Hanks.

Max, there's only one person

who's really
up to this challenge.

I've waited 10 years for you to come to me.

Mmm!

How did you get a picture
of me in my underwear?

Well, you're... You're
always in your underwear.

In fact, it's hard to find
a picture of you

when you're clothed.

I do not envy the task
you are about to embark on.

What are all those
red arrows for?

Oh, those are all the areas
that need improvements.

But those are all of them.

Yeah. You got
lots of bad areas.

You're like the Oakland
of gay guys.

Okay. Well,
where do we start?

Small stuff.
Haircut, shower,

stop asking waiters if your
food could be "lasagna'd."

Jane, I'm in your
undiagnosed OCD hands.

Ahh.
Let's do this.

♪ How can it be permissible?

♪ She compromise my principle

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ That kind of love
is mythical

♪ She's a craze you'd endorse,
she's a powerful force

♪ You're obliged to conform
when there's no other course

♪ She used to look good to me

♪ But now I find her

♪ Simply irresistible

♪ She's all mine

♪ There's no other way to go

♪ Simply irresistible ♪

Well, well, well...

If it isn't doubting Dave.

Might have to start calling
you "Doubting Dolphin Dave."

Feeling pretty good 'cause you
knocked out a few groupons, huh?

Not just a few.
Many few.

We got these
cool hooded scarves...

And we got our
teeth whitened... Twice.

Whitened up them teeth!

And we took this gorgeous portrait.
Show him.

Got it.
Isn't it beautiful?

It's like a portrait
of two lipstick lesbians

who adopted a lost boy of Sudan.

Yeah, it's just been good times.

Oh! You guys, up next...

Tequila shots!

50% off...
With this guy.

Si, senor.

Ooh! Yay!

I hate tequila.

These groupons are
the worst thing ever.

No, the worst thing ever
is that at this rate,

Alex is gonna finish
these groupons by tomorrow.

You know what we need to do?

We need to sabotage her
so she can't finish.

Why would I do that?

Because, Pen, if Alex wins this,

she's gonna be dragging you to
groupons for the rest of your life.

You wanna be 50 years old
and single

and doing half-priced
trapeze lessons?

I resent you making me
single in this hypothetical.

See, you could've at least given me
the dignity of having been widowed.

Okay! Down the hatch.

Our brow-shaping groupon
is in 10.

They shoot a laser right
between your eyeballs!

Here. Ready, Pen?

Yes! Whoo!
Whoo!

Mmm!
Ugh!

Let's take that bitch down.

Yeah.

Jane!

Check out this machine.
It's amazing.

It sucks the garbage
off the ground,

so now I don't have to
throw it out on the street

through a hole in my pocket,
Andy Dufresne style.

Max, you look great.

I mean, really great.

I feel great.

This morning,
I flossed my mouth,

and my gums only bled a lot,

as opposed to
an alarming amount.

And you had that interview
today at that grocery store?

How did that go?

I nailed it.

This supermarket is the worst.

Here's what you gotta do.

You gotta move the sugar cereals

from the bottom shelf
to the top shelf,

'cause people like me don't and/or
can't bend over to pick it up.

I thought you were here
for the bagger position?

I said, any questions?
Chop-chop!

I thought you said
you nailed it.

I did nail it, Jane.
In fact,

they're making me

assistant manager.

No way.

Curds and whey.

Guy said he liked my real
talk and fresh takes.

Wow. My plan is working
much faster than I thought.

Come to think of it...

Maybe a little too fast?

I mean, I'm weirdly happy.
My nipples stopped burning.

No one likes my real talk
and fresh takes.

Once, a guy liked
my real fresh take on talks,

and that guy was me,
and I was lying.

What is your point?

There's no way my life could've
turned around this quickly on my own.

The only logical explanation

is that Chase is secretly
trying to improve it,

building me up
only to knock me down.

That is crazy.

Just relax
and enjoy your progress.

Enjoy the progress, huh?

That's exactly what
Chase would say!

What? Ah! Show yourself,
you beautiful genius!

Max!
I'll tear this face off!

All righty.

Max, I'm not Chase!

My bad, Jane.

Full disclosh, though?
Yeah?

Not the first time
I thought you were a dude.

Aw. Thank you.

Oh!
Okay.

Today is the last day that Alex's
dolphin groupon is available.

All we have to do is make sure
she doesn't finish the others.

Exactly.
So you, Alex, and Brad

are supposed to go to dinner tonight
at that new barbecue joint,

except you're not because
you and I are gonna...

Throw the phones
through the window,

covering their pulled pork with
shattered glass and phones.

What? No. No, we're gonna call
and make so many reservations

that you guys can't get in.

But you are overlooking
one very obvious detail.

The restaurant is gonna
recognize our number.

That's why I got
all these burners, baby.

To throw at the reservation
guy to distract him. Yes!

No! No! You fool, no!
Oh.

We call from
using 40 different personas.

Here are yours.

Uh, southern lawyer?

"I do declare."

Nantucket housewife?

"Uh, white wine spritzer,
please?"

Julian Assange?
Is that the WikiLeaks guy?

I can't do him.
You want me to do him?

Whatever. Just honor the
spirit of the characters.

But don't forget to
have fun out there, okay?

Now your first character
is Alex.

Call the restaurant as her and cancel
the reservation. Okay.

Oh, I don't
know if I can do this.

You got this.
You got this.

Hey, I'm Alex Kerkovich.

I'm short and I love ribs.

Do you know anything about
Alex or how reservations work?

This is what she sounds like!

I need to cancel a reservation.

Uh... Fantastic.
Thank you.

We're screwed.

She has been there already

and used all three
ribs groupons herself.

God, we should've known.
Breakfast ribs are her favorite.

Damn, damn, damn!

Wait. Why do you care so much?
It's just a bet.

Because I care about Alex, and
I'm trying to help her grow up

and be more responsible
with her money.

What's the real reason?

I have a paralyzing fear
of dolphins.

As in, when I'm near them

I lose my poop.

Now, come on. There's
only one groupon left,

and it's the military
obstacle course

at the Major Fitness Boot Camp.
Okay.

If she does this, I lose,
all right?

So we gotta stop her.
Okay.

Why dolphins?
They seem so sweet.

Let's just say they
understand a lot of things,

but "no" isn't one of them.

Hey, Max.

How's the new job?
Great.

Actually, too great.

This morning, I got approved for a
credit card, my teeth stopped burning.

There's no way Chase
is not behind all this.

Max, that is just normal stuff

that happens to pretty much
everyone every day.

Oh, my God.
She's choking!

Kevin!

I don't know what to do!
Do I have to do everything?

Okay, ready? Here we go.
Heimlich on three.

One, two, three!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

All right.

Wow.

Great!
No, it's not.

Chase knows that
I've been learning CPR.

He is behind
everything that's happening.

It's a coincidence.

Thank you so much.

I'm a reporter for WLS Chicago,

and you've gotta let me
do a story about you.

You're a real hero.

Yeah, it's Chase.
Yeah, it's Chase.

Welcome to
the Major Fitness Boot Camp!

We have a groupon to use
the military obstacle course.

Yep. Can't wait.
Let's do this.

Sorry, it's closed!
Oh.

The course is flooded.
It's super yucky, ma'am.

Welp, I guess the only obstacle left
for us to overcome is disappointment.

That's it?

I lose?
I'm sorry!

Do you have to yell everything?

I'm yelling on account
of my injury!

Of course. You lost
your hearing in combat.

Well, we appreciate
the sacrifice you've made

to preserve our freedom.
No!

I busted my eardrums using
that Ear Genie ear wax remover

you buy on TV!

Stay away from them!

Well, well, well.

Penny told me you didn't
finish the obstacle course.

So it looks like instead of
swimming in a tank with dolphins,

I'll be soaking in our tub

with a well-worn copy of
The Time Traveler's Wife.

Yeah, you won. I lost.

You're right.
I make terrible decisions.

I'm an impulsive idiot.

Oh, honey, come on.
I wouldn't say "idiot."

Really? The cotton candy maker I bought
on the way home might disagree with you.

It doesn't actually talk.
Those were, like, $200 more.

Hey, listen. Don't beat
yourself up over it.

I love cotton candy, too.

Well, I am returning it,

'cause it's time for me to get
my head out of the clouds

and stop eating food
that looks like clouds.

Caulifiower is healthy,
and it looks like clouds.

Now I'm confused...

And hungry.

Would you care
for some delicious cotton candy?

I lied. I did spend
the extra $200.

And it was $300.

Chase is doing
some dang old good work.

A tip of the ol' James hat
to him.

But I am not gonna give him the
satisfaction of destroying my life.

No, sir.

I'm gonna do that myself.

You're sure you wanna do this?
Yeah.

Breaks my heart, but okay.

You do have a full-time job,
right?

♪ Simply irresistible

There we go. Get it.

♪ Simply irresistible

♪ She's so fine, there's no
telling where the money went

♪ Simply irresistible,
she's all mine

♪ There's no other way to go

♪ Simply irresistible ♪

Well, you're pretty much right
back to where you started,

human pastrami.

It's not good enough, Jane.

You gotta take me
to negative five,

make sure Chase
stays away for good.

But there's nothing left
to destroy.

I mean, all you really have
left is your health.

Okay. Take it. Hit me.

No, I'm not gonna hit you.

Jane, your ankles are fat.

Yeah. I'm not
falling for that.

Jane, your bundt cake is
on the wrong side of moist.

That is ridiculous.

At times, you're
woefully unprepared.

Uhh!
Ohh!

Oh!

This is the first time I've
ever been attracted to a woman.

I wanna put a baby in you.

So what'd you guys do,
bring me here to gloat?

Alex,

I have a confession to make.

Penny and I engaged in
the French art of sabotage.

We flooded the course so
you couldn't do it. What?

I can't believe you guys.

I didn't want a laser
shot at my eyes.

I don't think that's
an unreasonable position.

But then, Alex, I saw you with
that cotton candy machine,

and I realized that I love
that you're impulsive

and you do those
kinds of things.

That's what makes you, you.

Aw! Yeah, it is.

It's great. We really
complement each other.

I mean,
you're the impulsive one,

and I'm the grounded one
that thinks things through.

No. No. No, no, no, no.

- You're not grounded in the least.
- No. No. No!

Super impulsive.
No. Yes.

How am I impulsive?

When you saw Munich, you
tried to get bar mitzvah'd.

You bought a timeshare
in Tampa next to Alex's.

You bought 40 burner cell phones

to make 40 untraceable
dinner reservations.

You have the facial hair you have.
Eh!

Okay, I get it!
I get it.

Leave the goatee out of it.

It's hard to leave it out.
Really hard.

You know what?

Maybe two impulsive people
can work in a relationship.

Hey, it works
for Ice and Coco T.

Sure as hell does.

Here's the dolphin groupon.

But before I give it to you,

you have to do
the obstacle course.

But it's closed.

So let's be impulsive.

Hmm.

Aah! Uhh.

Uhh!

Aah!

Perhaps there's a downside

to having two impulsive
people in a relationship.

Someone should warn
Ice and Coco T.

I don't think you guys should be
left alone without supervision.

Yeah, it's like all of a sudden we're
parents to two 30-year-old dum-dums.

Three.

Max, again, I am so, so sorry.

It's okay.
You did good, baby.

Chase can't hurt us anymore.

Max, is that you?

Chase?

What are you doing here?

After we spoke on the street,

I slipped on that slice of pizza
you dropped and I hit my head.

I've been unconscious
for three days.

Unconscious?

So then it couldn't have
been you building my life up

only to knock it down.

First of all, I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.

I didn't ask.
Secondly, no, I wasn't.

But I'm so glad you're here

because I wanna
tell you something.

I don't know where you fall in
the existence of an afterlife,

but I'm here to tell you
there is another place.

It's a spiritual realm ruled by
powerful yet merciful beings.

I was there, Max,

and I was headed
for sweet eternal peace.

But then I realized

I could not transcend to the
next plane until I took care

of the unfinished business
of this world...

The unfinished business
of ruining your life.

It was you.

I came back for you.

I have looked deep into the
abyss of the next world,

and it is beautiful.

But before I make
that pilgrimage,

I will stop at nothing
to lay waste

to what you so tragically call

your life.

Wow.

That guy is still so cool.

That was perfectly timed
with his exit.

Do you think he rehearsed that
with the nurses beforehand?

You know, Max, the good news is

that now we know you have the
ability to improve your life

all by yourself.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

And I would be more
than happy to help you.

Because if you put
your mind to it,

you could achieve things
you only dreamed of.

So what do you say?

It sounds like a lot of work.
Hard pass.

Yeah, that's okay.
I understand.

Well, I gotta go, buddy. Take care.
Bye, everybody.

Ugh. I got passed up for
another promotion at work.

I really need to change
some things in my life.

You know, on second thought,

why should I even doubt myself?

I mean, I don't even want
that job anyways.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, Alex, are you going to that
dolphin thing with Dave today?

Oh, no.

I can do this.
I can do this.

Oh, no. No way.

I know what you guys want,

and you're not getting it!