Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Ballad of Lon Sarofsky - full transcript

Guys, I'm not gonna lie.

It has been one hell of
a month for old Pen.

Broken engage, infested condo,

Glenn Beck put his
fingers in my mouth.

That's the last time

we go to one of his book
signings ironically.

Yeah. Ironically.

But I do wanna thank my
temporary roomies Brad and Jane

for your hospitality,
your support,

and your vast collection
of cashmere throws.

Cotton irritates
my Nipsey Russells.



Hey, watch your mouth when you're
talking about the fabric of our lives.

I think I've earned the
right to talk about cotton

any way I damn well please.

I believe you have, sir.

I'm secretly glad that your
exterminator's taking so long.

It's been so nice
having you stay with us.

We're like a... A little family.
Yeah!

Yeah, Brad's the dad,
Jane's the mom,

and Penny's the little baby
with the thick knockers.

Which she clearly got from
my side of the family.

Hey.
What?

She got them big thangs.
You got them bee stings.

Yeah, I do.

Bzz!
All right.



Ugh. Stop.

Hey, Penny!

Hey, Shaun!

Hey, I wanna apologize for
that workout mix I gave you.

There was way too much
better than Ezra on there.

No, it was great.

I didn't even know they
had more than one song.

All right, cool. I'll see
you in cardio sculpt?

Cardio sculpt?

I hope to. Bye.
All right, bye.

Oh. Who was that slice
of peach pie?

Cute, right?
Suh kyut, Penny.

I mean, you should
take him to Bone Town.

You know that rib joint on Halsted?
I love that place.

I don't know.
He asked me out, but...

I don't think I'm ready
for another relationship yet.

I mean, this whole Pete thing
has been such a roller coaster.

Ups, downs, barfing.

I just... I'm still
pretty bummed out.

I know you are, sweetie,

but no one's talking about
a relationship, okay?

You need a fling,
nothing serious.

I have got it.

I am gonna host a no
pressure, double dinner date

for you and Shaun at our place.

And like five out
of five frat guys,

I am not gonna take
no for an answer.

Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!

All right! Okay!
Okay! Okay!

I'll call him. Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do...

Thank you.

- Guys, put your wallets away...
- Mmm?

Because this dinner

is on me.

Run!

Guys, what part of "Dinner's on
me, flawless diversion, run"

did you not understand?

Dude, you can't dine and
dash at Rosalita's.

We come here, like,
six times a day.

I know. I am just,
like, hella broke right now.

Just droppin' off
this month's rent.

Dude, you gotta get a job.

I know. I...
I'm gonna get a job.

I just need to borrow,
like, a thousand dollars

for my resume. And rent.

And a business formal tie.

And beer.

And transportation
to a job interview.

And a frog costume.

Frog costume? Oh, say
no more, my friend.

I got extra money for that.

Knock, knock, Jane!

Brad delivery service.

We pick that sweet ass up and
bring that sweet ass home.

Oh.

Uh, Mr. Sarofsky.

Sorry. Jane said there
was a luna bar in here.

I need the estrogen. I'm trying to
get rid of the stubble on my back.

Uch! I mean, cool.

So how's...
How's the missus?

Oh. Candice?
Yeah.

She's great...
At being a huge bitch.

She kicked me
out of the house, Brad,

and now she's slapping me
in the face with a big D.

I'm sorry?
Divorce.

Oh!
Wow.

Um, listen, I'm sorry
to hear that, man.

Look, if you ever wanna talk...

Yeah, I do. That'd be great.
How about tonight?

Uh...

Dinner party.

Jane and I have a dinner
party tonight, so...

All right.

Well, I'll just
hang out here anyway,

probably sleep in a Corolla.

All alone,

by myself,

crying like a baby

trapped in a well.

Do you wanna join us for dinner?

Does the Car Czar have a camera
in the women's bathroom?

No, I do not and would not,

but, yeah, I wanna
come over for dinner.

Right on. Hey, boo.
I'm ready to go.

Great. Uh, a tiny
adorable addendum.

Car Czar's
coming over for dinner.

Isn't that great?

Uh...

'Sup, shmorons.

Happy now?

What do you mean? And how
did you get in here?

And why are you wearing my robe?

I have keys, and
I refuse to explain the robe.

You guys remember how you
were on me to get a job?

Well, I found an even better
way to make some money.

I'm gonna be a contestant
in Mr. Super Gay Chicago.

Happy now?

Oh, that's where
that "happy now?" goes.

Mr. What?
Super gay where?

The super gay pageant they
have every year at Rosalita's.

Grand prize is 1,000 bucks.

What better way
to make some cash

than a high-risk, unpredictable,
subjective contest?

I mean, it's foolproof.

Max, when we said "Get a job,"
this is not what we meant.

This is so much better!
It's awesome!

And I can totally help you.

I have seen every episode
of Toddlers & Tiaras,

Pageant Kings, Baby Queens,
and King of Queens.

That last one is just a pageant
of comedy where everyone wins.

Of course.

And I can help, too.

When I was a kid, I was regional
champ at Junior Mister,

the young gentlemen's pageant.

You were in pageants as a kid?

Uh, correction, Officer.

I won pageants as a young adult.

Thanks, guys.

♪ Queer he is

♪ Mr. Super Gay Chicago ♪

We have a lot of work to do.

How could you
invite the Car Czar over?

He's clearly drunk and ruining
Shaun and Penny's date.

I'm sorry. When I'm in
an awkward situation,

I panic and invite people
to things...

Like when I invited that
mall Santa to our wedding.

Oh, yeah. I can't forget Darryl.
Don't worry.

Who's hungry?

Whoa! Janie...
Where's the meat course?

Huh? So far it feels like this
dinner's been catered by Moby.

Boom!

It is a vegetarian meal
for Shaun,

the guest we wanted
and therefore invited.

Now, Shaun, what were you saying
about complete proteins again?

You can get all the amino acids
you need from a rice-bean combo.

Oh, Shaun!

Shaun! Come on!

Meat is what
makes your meat work.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Shaun, listen.

I get the whole
double date thing, okay?

And I don't wanna embarrass
you in front of your gal.

But... I really think
we should wrestle.

What?

Yeah. I win,
we eat steak.

You win, you shut up for
the rest of your life.

Huh? What do you say,
baby corn?

Let's go. Let's go.
Let's get this off.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You're
gonna wanna move comfortably.

Let's get undressed. Let's get this off.
Whoa. Okay.

Let's get naked.
Uh, okay.

No.
This is getting weird.

It's gettin' really weird.
Yeah, let's get weird.

Um, I'm gonna go. Sorry, Penny.
Sorry, Penny. No, Shaun.

Let's get weird. No, I gotta go.
I gotta go.

Shaun... Let's not get weird.
Shaun!

You were gonna tell us
about lentils!

Must be his time
of the month, huh?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm going to my room.

Uncle Freddie!

Oh, you're up.

Again?
How did you get in here?

I slept here.

Okay, we need to work on my
training for Mr. Super Gay Chicago.

I went to orientation
last night,

and the competition is stiff.

They disqualified that guy,

but the rest of the
competition is pretty good.

Okay, let's get started.

I'm gonna teach you my winning
routine from Junior Mister '94.

It was the cream de la cream.

♪ They say
we're young and we don't know

♪ Won't find out
until we grow ♪

Uh, Dave, welcome to the
31 st century. Okay?

Ma, to win, you need flash,
flash, flash, and fire.

No. Trust me, as a member
of the small fraternity

of willing, straight male
pageant veterans,

I know you need something
a little more rare.

Class.

Whatever.

There's a bunch of categories,
so we'll just divide it up.

Dave, you'll take
Q&A and talent.

Alex, you'll take clubwear
and gay fitness.

Fine, as long as
Alex doesn't mess this up.

Uh, I think you have me
confused with your hairstylist.

Count it.

I'll also be covering
the category

of stone-cold bitchy comebacks.

Yeah, babe!

What just happened?

Hey, Pen. I just
wanted to apologize

for your date
getting ruined last night.

I feel terrible...

That Brad invited the Car Czar.

Well, thank you for the apology.
I appreciate it.

But I gotta get ready for work

so I'll see you guys later,
okay? Bye!

Babe, I got the caramel open.

Get your buns in here.

Oh... My... Goodness.

Penny made a boo-boo.

Look, Jane, you
gotta get me out of this!

Hey! Close the door! What,
do you live in a barn?

So that's why you and Penny
seeing each other is a...

Bad idea.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean...

Thank you
for the heads-up, Jane.

I had...

No idea she was a democrat.

Well, I am gonna steer
clear of that pro-union whore.

Thank you.

So you're out of it.

Oh, thank God! Thank you, Jane.
You have saved my life.

Babe, what do
you think of my tushie

on a scale from one to mouthwatering?

What is wrong with you?
First of all, he is my boss.

Second of all, he is the
grossest man I have ever met.

He has a standing order

at the strip club behind
the dealership, eggs.

I know, but I've never been
with a guy like him before.

He's brash and old-school,

like Don Draper with twice the
drinking and half the hair.

Plus the sex is amazing.

- Okay, please don't judge me!
- Bye!

We are not done
talking about this!

All aboard.

Mistake, mistake.
Mistake. Mistake.

Mistake.

Okay, Max,

the Mr. Super Gay Chicago
Q&A section is crucial.

First question,
frittata or quiche?

Well... Wrong answer.

I didn't even answer.

Don't be so literal, Max.

Does Dave Matthews sing
Ants Marching

because he wants to see
ants marching?

I don't know.
The man's a genius.

It's none of our business.

The point is, it's about style.

Now you see this?

These are called ponder hands.

They make me look like
I'm pondering the answer.

Now you try. Where do you put
your hands when you ponder?

No, damn it!

What's this?

Is this what Alex has you
wearing in clubwear?

Oh, my God.
That is absolutely...

Terrible? That's what he
said about my clubwear?

I'm sorry, Max,
but you look amazing.

Are you sure, Alex?

'Cause there's a breeze, like...

Everywhere.

It's better to be
memorable than boring.

Do you want to be Russell
Brand or Russell Bland?

Are those my only two options?

You have to act like you're bigger
than this whole competition.

Forget ponder hands.

You need to practice
your eye rolls.

Come on. Throw some
shade for papa.

Not big enough.

I wanna see only whites.

Dark pupils right to the back.

I realize that that sounds bad.

Okay, what do you do when
you wanna look annoyed?

Damn it! No, Max.

What is going on
with you, Penny?

You are a mess.

You look like Coolio after he
takes his braids out. Mmm.

I can't stop having sex
with that Polish caveman.

I don't even like him.
I mean, he disgusts me.

But he has this
magical hold on me.

And sometimes a real hold.

You ever gotten caught up
in a north-south keylock?

Standing up or sitting down?
Both.

Okay, Brad, stay on message.
Right.

Penny, I say this with all
the love in my heart...

You're disgusting to me.

Jane, I know.

Okay, but look, I think I've
gotten it out of my system.

Okay.

Okay.
Ooh.

Oh, my God. I did not
invite him here, I swear!

- Crap.
- Uh...

He has a magical hold
over me, too.

I don't want him anywhere, but I
have to invite him everywhere.

Hey! C-A-R to the czar,
'bout to brunch it up like...

A rock star!

Yeah.
Okay, you're in a band.

I didn't want to do that.

Hey, Janie, I need you to do those
quarterly reports for me today.

I didn't get to 'em
last night 'cause I was

quote, unquote, busy making sex
with the person to my left.

Please continue not to judge me.

Ugh.
Mmm.

I think that whipped
cream has turned.

Hello, everyone!

Welcome to the first night

of Chicagoland's
second gayest pageant.

I'm your host Josh Jill.

This is so cool!

I know. I haven't been this
excited since I found out

Donnie Wahlberg and I
share the same birthday.

Well, one day apart.

Our first category is
gay fitness,

which is just like fitness,
only gayer.

That was gay-rific.

Speaking of fat,
here's Max Blum.

Wait.
What the hell is that?

That's not what I told him.

No, it's not.

Now he's a classy, dignified,
gentleman of fitness.

This was supposed to be
my category.

Psst, Max!

Max, thrust!

Thrust!
Add a thrust!

Don't listen to her Max.

March and expand!

March and expand!

And smile! Smile!
Thrust! Thrust!

Get those knees up!

Knees up. There it is.
There it is.

Okay, that's literally the
worst thing I've ever seen,

and I follow Madeleine
Albright on Instagram.

Ooh, that's the stuff.

All right, all right.
There ya are.

So...
Ohh! Yes!

Hmm? There's an exhibit
on mid-century spoons

at the craft museum.

- Wow. I love...
- Chugga-chugga!

Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga!
Chugga-chugga! A good spoon.

Chugga-chugga! Choo-choo! Yeah.
Could be interesting.

Yeah.
Could be good.

Mmm.

All aboard!

Here's my ticket, sir!

That's not the ticket
for this train.

Oh, no!
What's gonna happen?

Oh, says here...
Yeah, babe?

They have a spoon that Elvis
used to measure out nougat.

- Huh? Yeah.
- Choo-choo-choo-choo!

Choo-choo-choo-choo!
Choo-choo-choo-choo!

- I'm out!
- ♪ Choo! ♪

Yep. They broke me... And
probably the guest bed.

Ah. God.

This pageant is a gay disaster.

It's worse than the time I saw
Bette Midler get on a horse.

I mean, that Q&A was rough.

Okay, I don't know what's
going on with you, creepy,

but I need an answer.

The question is,
mousse or parfait?

Good ponder hands, Max!

Roll you eyes, more.

I've... I've over...
I've overrolled.

Overrolled. Going down. No.

Gay down!

Super gay down!

Max, what we need to do now
is double down on the class.

No way!

Max, you need flash.

Okay, I am talking glitter,
satin, butt crack.

Ugh. What? Are you crazy?

Butt crack has no place
in a gay beauty pageant.

What? Okay, both of you shut it.

The only reason I did this thing

is because I'm sick of being
the poor one all the time.

It's embarrassing.

And I asked you two for help,

and you turned it around
and made it all about you.

Now if you'll excuse me,
you're both fired.

Later, honey boobs-boobs.

Aah! Hey!

Hey, it's you!

You know, I've been meaning
to compliment you.

Your coming out of nowhere
has just gotten amazing.

Well, tired.

Not so fast, young lady. We need
to talk about the Car Czar.

Brad and I feel he's a
bad influence on you

and maybe it's time
to slow it down.

We're not mad!
We're just disappointed!

Okay.
What's going on?

Brad and I have discussed it,

and we forbid you from seeing
the Car Czar ever again.

Uh, you forbid me? Hellur.
You're not the boss of me.

Pradesh Singh, the head of
global PR, is the boss of me.

Although she may be
going on maternity leave,

so it's probably gonna be
Nancy Goldberg.

Please. Maternity leave is for hippies.

If you're gonna
live under our roof,

you're gonna follow our rules.

Well, that's good 'cause I don't need
to live under your roof anymore,

because as of tonight, my
apartment's ready. Good.

Great.
Think about your future!

Honey, we don't need to yell.
I'm not yelling!

Actually, I was yelling.

And I regret nothing!

This is so unfair!

Penelope Hartz,

when I said for you
to have a fling,

I meant with a nice,
normal boy like Shaun...

Normal boy!

Not my...
Pig of a boss.

Well, maybe it's not a fling.

Maybe it's love.

You ever think of that, Jane?
Maybe I love him.

Yeah.

I came back to get my keys,
and you unlocked my heart.

Oh!

Penny...

I love you, too.

Uh...

Mmm. Mmm.

Congratulations, lovebirds.

This is a nightmare!

Ahh.

Thanks, again, kitty cat,

for letting me
crash here a while.

I gotta find a place
for my chin-up bar.

I got the same one as Paul Ryan.

We have the same bod. We
could totally share clothes.

I feel so close
to you right now.

You know, if,
uh, you play your cards right,

you keep those chest
pumpkins up and runnin',

me moving in could become
a permanent thing.

How great would that be, huh?

HUH?

Suh great.

Hey! How did you guys
get in here?

Your front door's missing.

Duh. I needed
a headboard.

Clearly.

Why you guys here?

Because we're sorry and
we really wanna help you.

It's too late. I'm in
last place in the competition.

The only event I won was

how many marshmallows could
you fit in your mouth, 41.

It is not too late. Tonight
is the talent competition.

That's half your score.

If you win that, you could
win the whole damn thing.

Yep. That's why we came up
with a kick-ass routine

that combines old school
class with new school fiash.

And fire!

Whoa!
Fire's awesome! I'm in.

Uh... Guys?

Is that not normally like that?

I thought so.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll see you later then.

That was my wife, sugar face.
Bad news.

That sweet bag o' garbage
is taking me back.

Try not to be devastated.

It's gonna be hard,
but I will try.

I just...

You know,
here's your stuff! Oh.

Okay.

Give you those babies back.
Okay.

All right.

Well, this has been fun.

I've never been with a
woman who's owned books.

They're for reading.

I know that now.

No.

No, please.

Oh, my God.

I saved you!
Aah!

Oh, my God!
Oh! Ow!

Oh, you scared me. Oh!

Oh, you screamed right in my
ear and my, my whole face!

We should not have copies
of each other's keys.

Oh, my God.

Look, it wasn't right of
me to tell you what to do.

This is your life.

Thank you.

That being said...

I called the Car Czar's wife,
worked a little Jane magic.

Got her two tickets to that
Canadian horse ballet.

Cavalia?
Yeah.

Larry King says that's the
greatest show he's ever seen.

You're not mad?

No. I'm... I'm sorry that I had
so much sex with your boss.

Mmm.
In your house.

It's okay.
On your floor.

Yeah.
On your printer.

Ugh.
Penny, my Deskjet?

Come on, bro.

But honestly,
your advice was great.

I needed a fling.

And I'm glad that the Car
Czar was such a pig,

because I didn't get
emotionally invested.

I don't even know his name.

It's Lon.

Ew. I had sex
with a Lon?

Lon?

That is not a human name.

Welp... Heady times.

That was Billy Carson's
puppetry of the butt! Shh!

With a scene from last
week's The New Normal.

Next up, here's Max Blum!

Oh, you tricky bitch.

I think I love you.

Oh, my God.
Did I just say that?

♪ I got you

♪ I got you

♪ I got you, babe ♪

Guys, I wanna thank you so
much for your support tonight,

and it was awesome
to share this moment

with my best friends
in the world.

That is the nicest thing a
homosexual has ever said to me.

Why is he here, Brad?

I have a real disease.
Mmm-hmm.

And the coolest part
about tonight

is that I get to pay for
dinner with my winnings.

Yay!
Food!

Thanks!

That doesn't even begin
to make up for it.

I had them pay me in pennies

because it's the only
currency I still trust.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Penny! Jugs!

Uh... Uh...

Hold on. I got a joke
brewin' in here.

Uh... Okay. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on.

Uh... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Here we go.

Oh! No, wait. Wait.
Hold on.

Uh... Uh...

Oh, I got it!