Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Storm Before the Calm - full transcript

Great job on the
care package, team.

Yeah. It's really gonna help
Penny get over the breakup

and her post-Pete-m depression.

And before you ask, yes, I've
already trademarked that.

Welp, instead of a care package,

I made Penny a "dare" package.

Yep. It's a list daring her
to live life to the fullest.

So you spent no money.

"Laugh out loud in a
library."

"Makeover a nerd to
win a bet." Hmm.

"Have brunch
with a rabbi."



Ooh, I'd have brunch
with a rabbi.

Maybe someone'll
finally teach me

how to properly slice a bagel.

Okay. So who's gonna help me
bring this over to Penny's?

Not me.
I got a thing.

Who's Penny?
Come on.

It's not gonna be that bad.

Are you kidding?
She's already three days

into her post-breakup
cocooning process.

Right now, she's living out
of her bed, binge eating...

I made the mistake
of going in too soon once.

Pen, I know you're still sad
'cause Robert broke up with you,

so I brought you some...

Max! Max!



Max!

Haven't eaten pancakes since.

You're eating pancakes now.

Huh? Oh.

Haven't eaten waffles since.

Nope. Eatin' those, too. Okay.

Oh. Guys, I gotta
get my life together.

Yeah, you do!
You're a mess.

I'm a mess.

Hey, kids.
It's back! Shoot it!

Wound it! Shoot it! Oh.

Hey, Pen. You look amazing.
What gives?

I feel great.

I guess I didn't need to cocoon
because I broke up with Pete.

So I've just been enjoying
some much needed "me" time.

For example, I've gotten
back to my theater roots.

I wrote a play.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- I didn't know that was in your...
- That's something.

Well, I guess I'll go back
to my theater viewing roots

and I'll sleep through
your play.

Aw! You'll come!
Thank you!

Oh! You didn't realize that
I was trying to insult you!

You can't insult me because I know
that beneath your soft exterior

there's an even softer interior.

Soft exterior.

You got them thangs.
Everybody knows that.

Oh.

Aw.

Is this the play?

Huh. That was from Pen.

You know, she really seems
like she's doing well.

Breakups are tough,

but what she did was a strong
move by a strong woman.

She's basically
Mary J. Blige.

Now are we talking emotionally
strong like Mary J. Blige,

or physically strong
like Mary J. Blige?

'Cause MJB looks like she
could throw up some plates.

Oh, I bet she could
carry me like a baby.

Well, I gotta go.

Um, I found a store that carries
low-carb edible underwear.

No, it's not for sex.
It's just a great snack.

Zesty ranch.

Don't do that.

It's my fave.

That's disgusting.

Just get some zesty ranch chips.

Sorry to interrupt,
but I'm Brandon Tyverson.

I work for a company that
specializes in guerilla marketing.

Would you all be interested
in becoming tastemakers?

Hold up. So we come up with a taste,
you make it, and we get paid?

Super Chicken. Go.

Almond Sweat. Go.

Pretzel Cheese. Go.

Falafel Paste. Go.

No, no, no.
See, uh...

People have become cynical
about traditional advertising.

My company pays
real folks like you

to promote our products
in a more natural way.

Dude, if you can't make
Super Chicken, it's cool.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So I've
watched your group.

I think you guys would
be perfect.

You're hip.
You're diverse.

You're like a fresh new
take on a gay guy.

Yeah, with fresh new takes
on life...

White chocolate?
Better than dark.

Texting while driving?
Sorry, I have friends.

Rihanna and Chris Brown?
I get it, RiRi.

Good stuff. Well, we'd
love to hire you guys

and your friend, that tall
blonde that just left.

Would she be interested?

Would we have to split
the money three ways?

Yes.
Then, no.

Max, I can't ice out my sister just
to make a few extra bucks.

Alex, last month you paid
your store's rent

by showing your landlord
your feet.

I'm in.

Was that my phone?

Uh, no, unless your ringtone is

the incomparable
Joe Gordon-Levitt

carrying this episode
of 3rd Rock from the Sun.

Ugh. Sorry. I'm waiting
for Derrick to call.

His theater group might
put up my play.

Have you guys heard of
the Steppenwolf Theater?

Hell, yeah!
Of course!

Then you should be able to
find Derrick's theater.

It's right around
the corner from that

and above a pho restaurant.

Pen, if you want, I'd be happy to
give you my thoughts on your play.

As you might recall,

I was a theater critic
for my college paper.

"'Brigadoon'?
More like 'Briga-don't."'

Damn it. Why didn't I
come up with that then?

OI' Brad was a bit
of a theater guy, too.

When I was a kid, I was in an
all-white production of The Wiz.

No one really
eased on down the road.

It was more of a stiff,
uncoordinated lumbering.

Love-ing it!

Really? So you're gonna
put the play on?

No. I drove all the way here,
didn't like what I had on,

went home to change, stopped
at the new whole foods

so I could peep the crazy
ripped Guatemalan stock boy,

just so I could come here and
tell you I won't put it on.

So does that mean
you're putting it on or not?

Yes, you stupid, clumsy bitch!

Yay!

Aah!

Stupid, clumsy bitch!

She's so stupid.

You're a clumsy
bitch and you're so stupid!

Clumsy and stupid!
Okay.

Oh! I love you.

You're the worst.

Check out all this cool stuff
Brandon sent us to sell.

I mean, spearmint scotch,

lens-less glasses,

this super cool conditioning
mist for your hair.

Hey, guys.

I just came to see
if you've heard from Penny.

Great cover.

What's in the box?

Oh, you know, just box stuff.

Oh. So you're not trying to
be a tastemaker with Alex?

Ugh! You and your
ability to read.

Look, after you left Rosalita's...

...we were approached
by a marketing guy,

and he asked us
if we wanted to do it.

Ooh! Can I do it
with you guys?

Oh, Jane.

You're a great person,
salt of the dang earth.

Mmm. But a tastemaking
trendsetter ya ain't.

Oh. Okay.

When I was in third grade, I created
a new in/outbox homework system.

It was the talk of the school.
Even got interviewed.

Granted, it was from
the school psychologist,

who was concerned that an 8-year-old
would spend every recess creating it.

But that does not mean it wasn't
a super efficient system.

And it would've caught on.

Wow.

Moving stuff, Jane.

But the fact is, Max and I
are so far down the road

on this tastemaking thing.

I mean...

We've already opened the box.

And we love you, but the
wheels are in motion.

And once the bus starts,
it's hard to make it stop.

Fine. I don't wanna be tastemakers
with you losers anyway.

Oof.

Angry storm outs are
trending so low right now.

Suh low.
So low.

Oh, thank you so much for
coming to a reading of my play.

I look forward to your feedback,

as long as it's
constructive, honest,

and tells me everything
in my play is perfect.

Sounds good?

What are you doin'?

I'm just giving
these a little test run.

I wanna see if this
tastemaking thing is legit.

Max, are you seriously wearing
glasses with no lenses?

Maybe.
Dude, I've seen you do

some really dumb things
before, but this...

is not one of them.

Those are cool.

And this is coming from a guy

who wore a bandana around his
jeans leg in high school,

so I know what I speak of.

Yes!

And now let us begin
our journey.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present you...

Black Plague: A Love Story.

Now we will be holding
auditions in two days,

but for tonight, you
guys will be my actors.

Brad, will you honor us
by playing the role of Clete?

Clete?
Clete...

is a very interesting name.

Clete is the very attractive,
well-meaning young man

who's about to ask the love
of his life to marry him.

Jane.
Oh. Yeah?

"Clete" rhymes
with "Pete."

Just a real eagle eye there, Alex.

And I will be playing the
role of the Black Plague.

The evil, malignant foe of love,

intent on destroying the earnest
heart of the unsuspecting Clete.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Wait, Penny wrote a play about a guy
who's about to get his heart ripped out?

Yeah.

Is this about Dave?

Sure.

"I'm ruined.

"The Plague came to me
disguised as a gentle breeze,

"but turned into a foul wind
that broke my heart.

"I hate you, Plague!"

"And I deserve that hate.

"I destroy love
and all that is good.

"That's what I do."

The end.

What'd you guys think?

Uh...
Um...

Um...

Really interesting.

You know?
And that makes me think,

did you come up
with this randomly or...

Or is it personal, or...

Why? What...
What are you saying?

Well, Pen, I mean,

your character destroys the heart
of a man named Clete.

Guys, it's a character.

Would you ask Anthony Hopkins
if he were really a cannibal?

Would you ask Tom Hanks if
he owns Bubba Gump Shrimp?

Although, I think
he actually does.

I think he got a very healthy
piece of the backend merch.

The point is, I have poured my
heart and soul and artistry

into this creative endeavor,

and the least you guys
could do is be supportive.

Ooh.

Well, I think it's
pretty obvious why she's upset.

She must know that that second
act has some real problems.

I mean, Black Plague?

More like Hack Plague.
Am I right?

Yeah.

Black Plague-Hack Plague.
Don't forget it.

Whoa. What was that?

What is it? What's happening?
What is that?

That's a recorder. You don't have
to tell yourself not to forget it.

You're already doing that.

Wow. Unbelievable.

And this is all because of Alex
and Max's conditioning mist?

This is amazing.

I know. The guy
at the guitar store said

I had the hair
of a white Aziz Ansari.

He's not wrong.

Mmm.
Wow.

Sadly, this is
not weird anymore.

Oh. Honey. Um...

Why aren't you at lunch
with Penny?

She canceled.
I think she's avoiding me.

I think she's avoiding everyone.

She's not even
Instagraming anymore.

She hasn't posted a picture
of an appetizer all week.

I'm really concerned about her.

Yeah.

I mean, she has clearly
not dealt with this breakup.

Someone's gotta
get through to her.

Yeah.

Maybe if a couple of guys who've
had a rough breakup talk to her,

she'd realize that
Pete's gonna be fine.

Oh, yeah. I can handle that.
Yeah.

I got dumped by a girl
in high school,

licked my wounds, got way
into anime, and moved on.

And I had no problem getting
over the whole Alex thing,

especially once we
got back together.

Yeah, that...
So that... Yeah.

Um, I think Brad should maybe
take the lead on this.

You could come in and then
bounce it back to Brad,

and then maybe
don't talk at all.

Yeah.

Dive right back into there.

Get in there.

Don't be afraid to go deep.
Nice.

Let me see those eyebrows.
They're pretty good.

Ooh, they're nice.

How about that goatee?

No one touches the goatee.

Right.

Excuse me.

I don't normally do this, but,

you have the hair of a Greek
shipping magnate's worthless son.

Thanks.
I get that a lot.

And that's because I use

this awesome conditioning mist.

Wow.

Hey, is that stuff really good?

Oh, it's better than good.

It's fantastic.

I wouldn't use that
if I were you.

Just a heads-up.

Name's Devin.

Yeah, I'm a girl
with a boy's name.

I'm a bit of a trendsetter
that way.

Devin.

What's wrong with the mist?

It seeps in through your pores,

loosens up your bones.

You want loose bones?

You wanna be like a...
I don't.

A drunk marionette?

Don't listen to her. She
obviously has mental problems.

Yeah, 'cause I used
the conditioning mist.

And now me
skull can't hold me brain right.

What are you doing?

Stop that, Jane! Stop it! What?

Your bones are fine, Jane!

And why are you Irish now?

This is weird.
You're weird. Get out.

Dog darn it!
What the heck?

Jane, why are you sabotaging us?

I am not gonna stand by

while you guys prey on the
gullibility of the public.

You are no better
than Bernie Madoff

or that guy who started Earth Day.

I don't know how you guys
live with yourselves.

Do you wanna be
a tastemaker with us?

Yes!

Yes!

It's so pathetic, Jane.

I can see right through you.

I don't want comedians.
I want actors.

Hey, Pen.

We wanted to talk to you guy
to girl, mano y manette,

about how your play is
maybe sort of a metaphor

for your relationship and such.

Ooh. I would love
nothing more

than to unpack the
subtext of my work,

even though you
couldn't be more wrong.

But I kinda gotta
finish auditions.

We're having a really hard
time finding a Clete.

No, Penny! This is serious.
We're worried about you.

You need to find a healthy way
to deal with your breakup.

Oh, my God.

You couldn't be more right.

Yes.

For the role of Clete.

That passion,

the raw manness, the...

What?
What?

I don't know why I didn't
see this at the read.

Where was that at the read?

I don't know.

Girl, what you doing back there?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Now, you have theater
experience, is that correct?

Well, I mean...

I haven't really kept up
with my acting.

I mean, aside from
memorizing every one

of Taye Diggs' monologues
from Private Practice.

But that's just to stay sharp, and...

Damn it, Penny,
that's not the point!

There it is again.

That is so Clete.

Brad, you must do this role.

Penny, no!

I will not do this role.

I will define it.

Wait a minute. Wait.
This is insane.

All right, this is insane.

What about me?

You know I love the theater.
What can I do?

I have the perfect role for you.

Head stage tech?

Dave, you're such a
student of the theater.

Who better to create
the visual and audio palette

to make my play pop?

Please?

I don't want another
"briga-don't" on my hands.

Okay.

I'll briga-do it.

Briga-do it.
Okay.

All right.
Let's make some taste.

Now, I have a couple
notes on the script.

Take it easy, noob.

We've been doing this
for literally days.

You're right. I don't
have to be in charge,

even though it's
better when I am.

Walk me through it.
It's simple.

We tell Brandon what products
we need and send him a check.

Then he sends us the goods.

We go out, we tell everyone
how cool they are,

and then he pays us.

Cool, cool, cool.

Can we just circle
back to the part

where you pay Brandon
for the products?

Well, he's not just gonna
give it to us for free, Jane.

Sometimes you are such a blonde.

Oh. Okay.

How much have you paid him
for the products so far?

2,500 bucks.
Oh, okay.

How much has he paid you?

$373 a-pure a-profit.

Tic-tac-toe.
Tic-tac-toe.

Well, you're being scammed.

I'm out.

Best o' luck.

I gotta tell you, she does
not understand business.

Yeah, like she doesn't buy
all those cars at her work

before she sells them?

All right, check it out. In order
to truly inhabit the role of Clete,

I'm going method and living
as if I'm in the 1300s.

All right?
Fun fact, I am property.

Hey, guys, couple quick tweaks.

Brad, in the scene
where Clete calls me

"a foul, heartless scourge,"

could you add the words "selfish"
and "vomitous" before "foul"?

- Uh...
- Thanks, bud.

And, Dave, when I first enter,

could you pipe some type of
noxious smell into the audience?

Like a quarter-pound of shrimp

you forgot was in your
baby's diaper kind of thing?

I really want the audience to be
sickened by very sight of me.

Cool beans!

Dude...

We were supposed to help her,
but she played us.

Yep. She knew exactly what every
straight dude would be distracted by.

Sweet Lady Theater.

Come on.

Ahem. Pen.

We gotta talk.
This play is about Pete.

What are you talking about?
Pete who?

Oh, Pete Sampras?

I have moved on so much,

I literally have no idea to
which Pete you are referring.

And besides, this is neither
the time nor the place.

So when is the right time, Pen?

Whenever someone brings it up,
you try to avoid the subject.

We're not gonna rehearse
until we talk about this.

If you're not gonna rehearse,
then you're fired.

Fine.

Good luck finding someone to
learn my lines by opening night.

And good luck finding someone

who can open and close
the curtains.

I'll get Derrick to play Clete,

and I'll just prop open the
curtains with a sandbag.

Wait.

Good luck finding a sandbag with
a goatee and a heart of honey!

Yeah!

I'm willing to negotiate.

This is going to be rough.

Yeah.

I can't believe that you and Dave
couldn't get through to Penny.

Really?
You can't believe it?

We're idiots, Jane. That's
how we've always done it.

All we can do now is be here for
Penny, as brutal as it's gonna be.

And it's gonna be pretty brutal,

because Derrick as Clete
is the biggest miscasting

since portobello mushrooms
started filling in for burgers.

Dude, let it go. We're here
to support our friend.

Who's opening this curtain?

It should be a fluid
wave of velvet.

England, 1348.

Smell that germ-free air.

Are you kidding me?

Life is good, so soon I will
ask my true love to marry me

with my grandmother's ring.

Ohh!

Hark, it is I,

the Black Plague,

the worst disaster ever
and destroyer of love.

I have come to ruin this
noble man's life and heart.

Ahh.

♪ My heart is bursting
inside of me

♪ So will your boils
from leprosy

♪ Joy and love,
I have a surplus

♪ Too bad I'll fill
your lungs with pus

♪ Pandemic of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic
of the heart! ♪

♪ All around me
is blue-bonic

♪ I feel so blue-bonic

♪ No leeches, potions,
or tonic

♪ Can heal my blue-bonic ♪

Okay, I can't take
much more of this.

Don't worry.
It's almost over.

The Black Plague
is about to infect Clete.

What?

All around me is death.

All hope seems lost,

but at least I get to
marry my one true love.

No force on earth is cruel enough
to take that away from me.

♪ What is that?

♪ Is that a plague
I see before me?

♪ I'll say again ♪

Is that a plague
I see before me?

Plague?
Hello, Plague!

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

♪ Yes, you can

♪ Because we only have
the theater till 4:00

♪ And we need
to clean it up

♪ Before Cheri Oteri's
one-woman show comes in

♪ Because she's gonna
go ballistic ♪

No, I can't do this. I cannot
break your heart again.

Only a horrible person would
do that to someone so sweet.

I'm so sorry
for what I did, Pete.

I mean, Clete.

Ohh, she's having
a full-on breakdown.

I know what to do.

Max!
Trust me.

In two weeks, you're gonna
wanna remember this.

Dave, I have an idea.
Come with me. Go.

Well, I guess
I'll just keep dancing

until the plague
stops being a selfish...

Aw, man!

Now WorldstarHipHop
won't take that video.

Three, two, one.
Let there be light.

It is I,

the real Clete,

who knows how to conduct himself
when things go south onstage.

Plague, you do not have to feel
guilty for what you've done.

I should feel guilty.

I devastated Pete.
I ruined his life.

Only a terrible person
would do that.

Maybe I don't deserve love.

Penny, stop. You're a good person.
All right?

A bad person would've
married him anyway

and ridden the couch
with him into middle age.

Sitting in silence,
watching reruns of Becker,

and originals
of the reboot of Becker

called New Adventures
of Old Becker.

I'd watch that.

Yeah, eye on the ball, buddy.

Oh. Right.

But take it from a guy.
You did him a favor.

You didn't want to spend the
rest of your life with him.

Now he's free to find
someone who does.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Pete will get over this,
and so will you.

In the long run, it'll
all be for the best.

Brighter days ahead, Pen.

Don't you lose her, David.
Don't you lose her!

So you're saying
people should...

♪ Thank the Black Plague
for what it did? ♪

Oh, my God. She's crazy.

♪ Um, wouldn't exactly
phrase it like that

♪ Kinda killed
millions of people ♪

♪ The Black Plague
will rise again

♪ Spreadin' 'round town
and findin' men

♪ Hallelujah!

Little help here, Dave!

♪ The
Black Plague will rise again

♪ Spreadin' 'round
town and findin' men ♪

Ooh! Smoke!

I'm gonna get out of here.

Prometheus?

More like "amateur-metheus."
Am I right?

- Am I right?
- No.

"Amateur-metheus." Gold.

- Okay.
- Gold?

Hey, how much does
that thing... Dink!

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Ahh!

Look at that.

Yeah. Let's see what kind of
gems are in this treasure chest.

David, always remember,

don't call a person "sailor"

unless you're absolutely
positive that person's a sailor.

Oh, yeah, you do
that all the time.

You do that all the time.

Ooh! New downstairs
hair design idea,

double lightning bolt.
Win-win.

All right, I think we've
all had a nice window...

Personal note, I really,
really love my friends...

Aw, Dave!

...in the following order.

What's that?
Wait a minute.