Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 18 - She Got Game Night - full transcript

Okay, why did Max
want us to meet him here?

He said he finally
figured out a way

to open the unbreakable pinata.

Oh!

Did it work?

Nope.
That was dangerous.

Yeah!

- Oh.
- Oh, boy.

Get the candy!
Get the candy!

It seems like a lot of work
for some off-brand candy.

Two musketeers?



Reestie's peanut butter klormps?

Wait, I got skittles!

Nope. Skin-nuls.

I think there's glass
in my senior mints.

And my sophomore mints.

Even the ingredients are bunk.

This says it has
artishishal flavoring.

All right, we'll bite.
We'll bite.

- All right, fine.
- Out with it.

Guys, this chef I know
really likes my truck...

Don't look surprised.

And he offered me
a job at Knife.

Dave, congratulations!

I love that restaurant.



They have a lot of food there.

So you gonna take it?

I don't know.
I can't decide.

I mean, I love
being my own boss,

but owning a food truck's
a lot of pressure.

Maybe it's time I tried my hand

at the stationary
restaurant game.

You mean, the restaurant game?

Okay, all right.

Okay, I'd be happy to help you
make a pros and cons list, Dave.

I mean, making lists
is my number one turn-on

after tables of contents,
recipe conversions...

Oh, my God. I'm making a list.

I am so turnt.

And I could review your financials
without becoming aroused.

Mmm. Who am I kidding?

I had me at "review."
Mmm.

Guys, do I want advice from
people guessing at the future?

Or do I want advice
from Tami, my psychic?

Dave, for a leading man-type,

you've partake in some
really outlandish behavior.

You don't understand.
Tami is the best.

She helps me with
all my big decisions.

What is it with you two?

Alex and the ghosts.
You and the psychic.

Oh, no! Do not lump me
in with this bullcorn.

Ghosts are real, just
like warlocks and doulas.

I am on the fence
about chupacabra.

Not saying they're real,
not saying they're not.

They're real.

Do you even know
what "on the fence" means?

What?

Are you bringing anybody
to my wedding?

I only ask because I like
saying the words "my wedding."

Nah, no date.
Wilson dumped me,

based on some real trumped up
hygiene charges. I doubt that.

Hi, guys!

What in the hell?

DAPHNE.

Hi.

Oh, my God, Penny!

Is that an engagement ring?

Ah! What?

This old, priceless
family heirloom

that my hot fiancee's grandmother
smuggled out of the old country?

I mean, I guess
"engagement ring"

is the acceptable nomenclature.

Oh, my God. I saw you
four months ago.

You weren't even dating anybody.

This is so exciting!
I know.

A whirlwind romance.
Ah.

You just knew in your gut right away.
It's so romantic.

Oh, my God!
I'm so happy for you!

Thank you!
You're so sweet!

Can you believe that bitch?

Now I'm sorry. I'm not
hearing the bitchy part,

and my bitch-dar
is pretty rock solid.

You are not fooling me,
one-armed surfer girl.

Max, tell her how mean she was!

I'm not great at reading signals

or understanding basic human contact...

But all the lady sounds she was
making seemed pretty nice.

"Whirlwind romance"?

Subtext... "You're moving too
fast, you clingy tramp."

She doesn't know. We're
moving at the perfect pace.

Forget Daphne.

You and Pete have a lifetime
to get know each other.

Eh-squeeze?
Why would you say that?

We already know
each other just fine,

as well as any other couple.

Of course you do.
I mean...

Not any couple.

Brad and I have known
each other ten years.

You've known Pete four months.

Oh, so now you think I'm
moving too fast? I'm not.

No, I didn't say that.

Oh, for your info, I bet
Pete and I know each other

a lot better than
you and Brad do.

Okay. Slow it down,
Jackie Joyner-crazy.

You really think that?

Yeah, and I'll prove it.
How?

Couples game night.

I thought we weren't gonna do

couples game nights
anymore after...

The Jane.

Yes! Yes! I win!

I win! I win!

Game over! I win!
Always win!

Off! I win.

Winners don't get touched.

Ugh, what a nightmare.

I wouldn't be caught dead
at that stupid game night.

Good, 'cause you're not invited.
Couples only.

Dead or alive, I will
be at that game night.

Damn it!

Oh! Disaster alert! My psychic
Tami moved to Arizona.

Now how am I supposed to decide

what to do about this job?

Can't she just advise you
over the phone?

She has to read
my energy in person.

Don't you know
how science works?

Hey. Hey.
You know I don't.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's just that I have to give
Knife an answer by tomorrow.

Dave, most times when people
have a big decision to make,

they just talk to someone
that they trust... and love.

I know, but my nana's too
busy with her new boyfriend.

Apparently Howard's the toast
of the retirement community.

He can shower without a chair.

Right. Well, why don't you
just come to game night

and try and get
some space from it?

You know,
that's a pretty good idea

coming from a person
who thought skymall

was an actual mall in the sky.

If we can put a man on the moon,

I am pretty sure we can put
a Chico's in the clouds.

I'm really excited
for game night tonight.

It should be a lot of fun and...

Pete?
Ow.

This game night
is huge, okay? Huge.

I mean, we're just here
to have fun... and win...

And have fun by winning. Okay.

Okay, then it's settled.

We'll stop at nothing to win.

And I'm so glad we brought this
bottle of merlot 'cause it's my fave,

and you should know that in
case it comes up in there.

Okay?
Yeah.

Okay. Pete?
Huh?

I love the sound

your grandma's ring makes on
the bottle when I clink it.

I wish I would've
met your grandma.

Grandma... Tom?

Grandma... Mmm?

Ma... Tee... Tee...

Rose. Her name was Rose.
Rose!

Of course.
I'm so forgetful.

I'm such an Aries.

Do you wanna write any of
these facts about me down?

Aren't you on the cusp of Aries?

'Cause you were born
on the 22nd.

How'd you know that?

Because I know you're into the
astrology stuff, so I looked into it.

And I know your birthday
because I'm your fiancee.

Aw! Mmm.
Come on.

We got this.
Yeah, we do.

Oh, we don't need to
knock around here. Oh.

Winners win and losers lose,

and alcoholics, they just booze!

They win at drinking,
that's their thing!

But our thing's
always just winning!

We're Brad and Jane,
let's start this game!

'Sup, suckers?

Oh. Uh-uh.

I'm cool.

You good?
I'm cool.

We got this.

Oh!
I'm sorry, Alex.

Without Tami, I can't even
make small decisions.

I got six different kinds
of chips.

Well, we'll definitely
need more.

But if you need help
making decisions,

there's an obvious person
you can talk to.

Oh, my God.

The answer's been in front
of me of this whole time.

Thank you!
Let's start by talking...

That tarot card reader!

Now it's not Tami, but sometimes
in life you gotta take chances.

You know who taught me that?

Tami.

I miss her every single day.

It's been one day.

Okay, Alex and Dave are late,

but we are not gonna wait for them.
Nope.

The first game is called
ready, set, couples!

A fast-paced relationship game

where Brad and Jane
will kick your ass.

Mmm!

It doesn't really say that.

Then why did you say it then?

'Cause I wanted to.

Look what the cat dragged in.

I know you didn't want me at
your little couples game night,

but what you didn't count on

was the extent of my loneliness.

So I am here
with my buddy Scotty.

Is he straight? Yeah.

Is he crazy?
Almost definitely.

But does he do an amazingly spot-on
Condoleezza Rice impression?

The United Nations of farts.

No, he does not.

All right, whatever.
Sit down. You can play.

All right, round one.

Oh, favorite color.

Okay, Max, Penny, and Brad,

you write down your favorite
color, and we guess.

All right, babe.

You have a lovely home.

Okay. Here we go.

Pete...

What's Penny's favorite color?

Okay. I'm gonna say...
Purple.

Yes! Eat it.

I was referring to the
spinach dip that I brought.

And please help yourself.
But also, eat it!

And that one
is just pure trash talk.

Also, slap it.

Ow!
Ah!

Okay, our turn.

Max's favorite color is red.

Hello. Scotty.

Nailed it!
How did you know that?

Oh, I know everything about you, Max.

What, are you stalking me?

We prefer the term
"Obsessive American." Oh.

And Brad's favorite color
is green,

so next question.

Um...

It's blue.

Those are different colors.

Janey, don't worry.
You're gonna get it... ow!

The Jane.

The Jane.

Hey, forgetti and meatballs,

Jason Bourne called, and he says
he remembers more stuff than you.

Why did you say that your
favorite color is blue?

When we first met, I said my
favorite color was green,

and you said,
"Me, too."

Early on, I realized that
what turns you on the most

is people agreeing with you.

And you know I likes my sex.

Loves me some smoosh.

All right, well, you
ever wanna get that smoosh again?

I want that smoosh.
Yeah?

Yeah. Well, they are
laughing at us out there.

Do you...

Do you know what you're
calling Pete? What?

The new Brad.
The new Brad?

What?

This Brad's still fresh!

Are you?
Fresh to death!

Oh, it's on!
Mmm-hmm.

Let's do this. Yeah!
Yeah!

Uh.
Uh. Ahhh!

Walk it off.
All right.

Okay, gang, here we go.

Next category is favorite foods.

Ooh!

We got this...

Oh, yes.
In the doggie bag.

Mm-hmm!

You're not me, Pete.

- What's that?
- See?

Can't even hear like me.

All right, Penny, what's
Pete's favorite food?

Okay, okay, okay. Uh...

I got this! I got this!
Pork pork.

Yes, it's pork pork!

Something my mom made.
It's two pork chops.

- Give a tiny tap!
- Yes!

Okay, I am gonna guess...

Your favorite food
is dolphin meat.

D'oh! So close.

Reestie's peanut butter klormps.

And my favorite food, of course,

is lemon sage chicken

and yukon gold potatoes

with braised kale.

Yeah! I put "soup."

You put what?

Oops.

I'm having second thoughts.

I mean, this place
is kind of weird.

Tami didn't use
any of this stuff.

We got crystal balls, voodoo
dolls and chicken bones?

No one uses those anymore.

The chicken bones are mine.

Thank you for coming.
Where shall we begin?

With us leaving.

I'm sorry. I don't know you.
You don't know me.

But I think we both know
that this isn't gonna work.

So...
Are you sure?

I sense that you have
a big decision to make.

Oh, you're good.

Hmm?

The key to couples' jenga
is a steady hand.

And the key to a steady hand

is stealing
Parkinson's medication

from your
landlady's aunt. Ah!

The other key is a couple
completely in sync.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Ah.
Ah.

Oh. Couldn't agree more.

Ugh! Bradford!

♪ You're the best! Around!

♪ Nothing's gonna ever
keep you down

♪ You're the best! Around!

Yes!

♪ Nothing's gonna ever
keep you down

Drop it. Drop it.

No! ♪ Nothing's gonna
ever keep you down

Not again!

Smoosh!

♪ You're the best! Around!

♪ Nothing's gonna ever
keep you down

♪ You're the best! Around!

♪ Nothing's gonna ever
keep you down

♪ You're the best! Around!

♪ Nothing's gonna ever
keep you down

♪ Oh, ho, oh ♪

And, would you look at that?

Pete and I win! Yes!

We just barely edged out
America's golden couple...

Max and Scotty!

Hey!

And in last place...

These two strangers.

Have you two even met?
I'm sorry.

You know what?
That's on me.

Jane, I'd like to introduce
you to your husband Brad.

He's a real nice guy. He stands about 6'2".
Yes.

Yep. We get it.
We get it.

Penny, you won. Yeah.

Yeah, my husband and I are
completely incompatible.

Yay! Cat's out of the bag!

Okay!

Damn you, orange floor-malade!

The wheel of fortune.

I would say that indicates
you should take a risk

and go work at Knife.

Or the wheel represents
the wheel of my truck,

and that's how I'm gonna
make my fortune.

Or it means
what I said it means.

My name's not Ann.
It's Magic Ann.

Magic Ann? Really?

Your mom named you that?

Let's see what
the next card says.

Ace of swords.

This pretty clearly implies...

Let me field this one, Annie.

I believe the ace represents me,

working alone at my truck,
ridin' solo.

It's literally a big Knife,

which is the name
of the restaurant that...

You know what?
I'm done.

I can't help you.
This is all fake anyway.

Doesn't take a rocking
scientist to see that.

You know what?

My last psychic Tami would never
have treated old Dave this way.

Wait. You're Dave Rose.
You drove Tami out of town.

She took early retirement
because of you!

She's draining our
psychics' pension fund.

You know what?
It's time for you to go.

We'll go when
we're good and ready.

Which is now,

'cause I've been ready to go for
quite some time. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, you're really
choking that artichoke.

Sorry. Bad... choke.

Nah, I respect the effort.

- A lot more than I respect...
- my husband,

who can't pass a fruit

or recognize a flawless
drawing of a damn koala bear!

Maybe you should've
circled it a little more!

Jane, I am so sorry.

I... I didn't mean for this
game to make you think

you and Brad aren't right for
each other or something.

What? No.

Who said anything
about that? No.

I'm just pissed at him
now because...

He can't answer
a single question about me!

First name's Jane, by the way.

Last name Kerkovich-Williams...

Although I'm thinking of just
rolling it back to Kerkovich.

Cool.

Pen, I would never
let a silly game tell me

whether the love of my life
is right for me.

I mean, that's the kind of thing
you just know in your gut.

And you knew right away
with Brad, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean,

I just could immediately
imagine us being together

for 40, 50, 60 years
in the future.

Also imagined us

with a hutch full
of game night trophies!

But that is not happening.

Nope!

But good news. I mean, you
get to have it all...

The trophies
and the great husband.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Except...

I don't think
that I can marry Pete.

You can't marry Pete?
What the hell?

I checked my gut, like you said.

He's not the one.

Oh, Penny.

When I ran into Daphne,
she hit on something

that I was already thinking,

so I probably subconsciously

wanted this game night
to prove myself wrong.

But...
Mmm-hmm.

But it's not about
knowing a bunch of facts,

like what your favorite food is.

I certainly hope not!

That... I'm sorry...

Is very inappropriate right now.

You have your whole thing
going on.

Is everything okay?
I heard a ruckus.

Penny's breaking up with Pete.
Oh, God.

What? What happened?

I'll kill him!
Did he cheat? On you?

On a test?
On his diet?

Of course he didn't. I mean, look
at the guy. He's a knockout.

He didn't do anything.
I mean, I...

Look, anyway,
Pete didn't do anything.

He's the perfect guy.
It's just...

He's not perfect for me.

Oh. Max.

You were worried about me, too.

Uh... Yeah.
Super worried.

Penny's breaking up with Pete.

What? No!

Oh, man!
That's terrible.

Tell me about it really quickly.

Well...
Oh, Pen! Bummer.

You're probably just
scared about the wedding.

Good talk.

No, the wedding's the one
thing I'm not nervous about.

It... it's the 40, 50, 60
years in the future... Hmm.

That I can't imagine.

I don't have what you two have,

and I wanna wait for that.

Mmm.
Oh, honey.

My favorite color is you.

Mmm, that made no sense,
but I love it.

Mmm.
Mmm.

And it's green from now on.
Okay.

Guys?

You left me alone with Scotty.

Now he's trying
to sell me speed,

but I think
it might be a centrum.

Pete, we need to talk.

Okay.

It sucks for those kids, huh?

Max!
Max.

What? I'm just sitting here
with a towel on my lap.

Oh.

Everyone has abandoned me...

My psychic, a tarot card reader.

But at least I know now what
I have to do... Talk to...

To your girlfriend!
A mentalist!

Dave, stop!

You don't need all these people.
You have me.

I'm your person.

Oh. I'm sorry. I...

Of course.
Well, help me.

Tell me what to do.
Nah.

What?
From what I've seen today,

you know what you want, okay?
But you gotta say it.

You can't make
someone else tell you.

What do you want?
I wanna keep my truck.

There it is.
You knew.

Oh.

Okay.
Right?

Okay, so what
you're saying is that

I have been my own
psychic all along.

Yeah, Dave.
You're your own psychic.

You know, you're a lot smarter
than people give you credit for.

Thank you.

Wow.

Uh...

Okay.

Pete, you are such a great guy,

and you deserve to marry
someone who's sure.

I'm so sorry.

And I'm even sorrier
that my friends

are watching from the deck.

God, why did we come out here?

Early spring in Chicago
is really just winter.

Ah, I wish we could hear
what they're saying.

I can read lips. In my
early 20s, I was deaf.

Here's what they're saying...

Oh! Scotty is the greatest.

You should have
bought pills from him.

Yeah,
that guy seems pretty cool.

What's his deal?

He seems like he'd be a
good extra set of hands

to bring into our relationship.

- Ooh.
- Scotty...

Squishy. Your impressions
are getting amazing.

- Thanks, brah.
- Yeah!

Okay, well...

I guess this is it.

I almost forgot.

It's, uh, it's
a little awkward. The...

Of course.
Your grandmother's ring.

Yes.

Does not seem to wanna come off.
So sorry.

I think you're pushing it down.
You need to slide it up.

Oh! That did the trick.

Yeah. Here you go.

Good-bye, Penny.
Good-bye, Pete.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh.
Oh, thank you, guys.

Scotty, please do not
touch me there.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
tush was in play.

Guys... Big news! Maybe the
biggest news of the night...

Nay, the year.

I'm keeping my food truck.

And in even bigger news,
I'm a psychic.

Dave...
Oh.

Not the best time.

Oh, something's going on, right?
I could feel it. I...

Penny just... Oh, it
has to do with Penny!

I've got it!
I can figure it out.

Penny is having
Pete's love child,

and they've never been stronger.
Mmm-hmm.

No! You're becoming
a doctor.

Close.
Pete and I broke up.

Oh, my God, Penny.
Are you okay?

No.

Gosh.

Not in play. Not in play.
For anyone?

- For anyone here.
- Jeez, Scotty!

I need a drink.

I'm so glad I have you.

I would like to raise
a toast to you guys.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

I can't hear the... The clink
of the ring on the bottle.

- Oh, God!
- Hey.

Hey! We are not gonna do this.

We are not gonna cry.
We are gonna celebrate,

because what you
just did was make

an incredibly strong
and brave decision.

Okay, you're a big girl
now, and I'm proud of you.

We're all proud of you.

See? Make room, people!

There's a phoenix rising!

Phoenix rising!
Yeah!

Tush in play!

Tush in play!

- Aah!
- Tush in play!

How you doin', Pen?

I'm fine.

I mean, it's Pete
you should worry about.

I dumped him two months
before our wedding.

Who does that?

Pete will be fine, all right?

Two months is great.

Hell, even two weeks is great.

At least at two weeks you can
get your tux deposit back.

Even a week is good.

Even 15 minutes is good.

Yeah, Penny, as long as you don't
walk all the way down the aisle

and then up to the altar
and then realize...

Oh, I did that.

Oh. God, I suck.

No, no. Hey,
it's not your fault.

I should've seen it coming.

If only I'd been in touch
with my gift back then...

Ew. That's it for me.
Okey dokey.

Okay, see you, guys.

I knew that was
gonna happen, too.

But they'll be back
in three, two, one.

I forgot my purse.
What?

I forgot to throw in.

Bye, guys.

Sorry about that, weirdos.

Yeah. Ouch.