Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 17 - Bros Before Bros - full transcript

Well...
spring has sprung.

The food truck business
is about to boom,

which means once again I have
to contend with my archenemy,

the Brazilian.

What's wrong with you guys?

Normally, you'd
razz me pretty hard

when I say things like
"Spring has sprung."

Or when I walk into a room.

"Five way jinx."
Really?

"Yes, really!"

All right, fine. Max,
Penny, Brad, Jane, Alex.



Unjinxed.

You don't have to hold
your breath when you're jinxed.

I play prison rules.

They play jinx in prison?

Guys, back to my thing!
The Brazilian.

Oh, you mean that guy with
the awesome steak truck...

Rio De Ja-tasty?

Oh, I love that guy. He has
the best churrascherascia.

It's... Churrascherascia.

Ugh.
Gross.

Anyway, the guy's a real jerk.

He's always sabotaging me,
trying to steal my business.

Just fight back
like you did in high school

when those kids stole
your can of mousse.



Oh, wait.
You didn't fight back.

You just hid
in the yearbook office

and complained that
your hair wasn't hard enough.

Penny, this dude is hard-core.

One time, he plugged an
exhaust vent in my truck

with human manure.

And he's always calling in
fake to-go orders.

You didn't think it was weird
that Dean Cain asked you

to cater an 1,100
person bachelor party?

No, Jane, I didn't
think it was weird

because it was
Dean freakin' Cain.

Oh.
The point is,

I gotta be a man
and stand up for myself...

On my own, with you
guys behind me...

Brad, maybe you more
towards the front,

perhaps wearing
some Raiders gear?

Well, us gals can't help
'cause we're too busy

doing some last-minute details
for the old wedding.

Yep. I'm officially
in the wedding red zone.

See, I put that in sports terms
so you guys could understand.

We're in
the eighth quarter, boys,

about to put some sports
points up on the scoreyard.

Oops. I think
I fumbled the ball.

Turn under.

Well, Brad, Max?
I don't know.

I sent myself an alarm clock
to scare the FedEx guy,

and that's showing up
around 1:00.

But other than that,
I think I'm free.

I'm all clear.
Was gonna volunteer

teaching some inner
city kids how to read,

but then I was like... This is my Saturday.

Awesome. Well, the girls
got their stupid thing,

and we got our awesome thing,
so go us on three. Ready?

One...

Jinx!

Then at 3:12,
Penny enters, lookin' gorg,

saunters down the aisle

as we call once again on the
obese Hawaiian ukulele trio

for Suddenly Seymour...

From Little Shop of Horrors.

Fat people
and tiny instruments...

You think they're gonna eat
'em, but then they play 'em.

Yep. Oh, God. It's
just like I dreamed.

Wait. Who's gonna
walk you down the aisle?

You know what? I never
even thought about that.

You had Jane plan you a backup
wedding in an underground bunker

just in case North Korea
quote "Grew a pair..."

But you never thought about who was
gonna walk you down the aisle?

Wait! You should have
your dad do it.

What?
Yes!

Why? I can't even remember
the last time I saw him.

Yeah, 'cause he's a deadbeat.

He left you and your mom
to become an actor?

Ugh.
Actors are the worst.

Awful.
The worst.

But, Jane, "deadbeat"
is a little strong.

Roy and my mom were 17.

They were just two kids
doing Shakespeare in the park

and each other
in the parking lot.

Besides, my mom and I
were fine without him.

But this is a chance
to reconnect with him.

No, Pen, I don't wanna
see you get hurt.

Okay, he was
never there for you.

Why would you let him be a
part of your special day?

Come on, Penny. You have
half your dad's D.N.A.,

and you're amazing.

He has all his D.N.A.

Think of how great he could be.

He's the great unknown.

He's the moon.

We've been to the moon.

Really, Jane? Have we?

Or have we been to
a soundstage in Burbank?

Penny, you got to
at least call him

and tell him that
you're getting married.

Yeah. Maybe I will.

- Yes!
- Ah!

Brad, you're a businessman.
How do I beat the Brazilian?

Well...

You need to follow the four
basic business principles...

Marketing, quality,
research, and service.

It's a little something
we in the corporate world

like to call
"Maskqualisearcheting."

I have sat silent long enough.

It's been 20 seconds.

Dave, you don't need
any of this business crap.

What you need is to play dirty.

You need a dirtbag,

and luckily enough for you,
my middle name is Herbert...

And I'm a dirtbag.

He's not lying.
He once ladybugs'd himself

into a junior high girls
soccer tournament,

bet against the team,
and then threw the game.

Best $45 I ever won,
minus the $10 it cost me

to find an ace bandage big
enough to strap down my girls.

But what we need to do, David,
is go down to his butcher,

change the order from
delicious churrasco beef

that he usually gets
to all the nasty bits.

I'm talkin' lips, veins,
and grade Y crotch meat.

Are you telling me
that you convinced

an A.Y.S.O.
tournament director

that you were as flat
as a seventh grade girl?

Guilty as charged.

Well, I tried playing fair,
and it didn't work.

Max, you got the ball now.

What?

Oh. Oh, yeah!

Yeah, I can handle it.
Good call.

Guys, thank you so much

for coming with me to meet my dad.
I am nervous.

Don't be! It's exciting!

Well, he's off to a great start...
Twenty minutes late.

Classic deadbeat dad move.

Right now he's probably in the
engine room of a riverboat casino,

just begging
for his thumbs back.

Penny?

Hi, Roy. Oh.

Oh. Hi... Oh.

Uh...
Hey. Hello.

Okay. Hi.
Hello.

Okay.

Roy, this is Jane and Alex.

Hi!
'Sup, trick?

Nice to meet you both.

Listen, Penny,
I'm sorry I'm late.

I wanted to bring you flowers,

but I didn't know
what kind you liked,

so I just took a stab
and I went with peonies.

They're my favorite!

I mean...
They're a'ight.

So... What? You're just gonna
give these flowers to Penny,

expect her to raise them
by herself?

Oh, come on, Jane.

Only a dad could guess his
daughters favorite flowers.

Quick, what's Penny's
favorite food? Bacon.

Wait. That's mine.
Let me guess.

You're the friend that I'm
gonna have to win over,

you're the optimist that
believes in second chances,

and you're Penny, right?

I'm kidding!

I'm... I'm nervous, and I
joke when I'm nervous, so...

So do I. So do I.
Yeah.

You know, a Mexican
walks into a spaceship.

I'm sorry.
I get racist when I joke.

And I get hungry when I get racist.
Okay.

Should we sit down and order?

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, you want us to cancel the
rib eye and the top sirloin,

and instead you want a tripe,
ligament, and inner ear meat.

All right. And there's so such
thing as a prime colon chop, pal.

Ah, for shame.

Are you sure about this?

Us at Rio De Ja-tasty are
going in a new direction.

All right,
we'll send it out shortly.

Obrigado, my friend.

Sorry, shoulders.

It's okay, cool pants.
I'm Wilson.

Max.

We should hang out sometime.

Ooh!

World-class hang, bro.

So I'm in Studio 54.

It's 1981, '82,
something like that,

and Stephen Sondheim looks at me...

And says, "You've
got it."

Stephen Joshua Sondheim.

"You've got it."

Of course, then I realized he
was talking about his umbrella.

'Cause we were
by the front door,

and I thought there
was, like, a communal

"give an umbrella,
take an umbrella" thing.

But, you know, that was...

That was broadway in the '80s.

Wow!
Amazing!

Certainly beats reading a bedtime
story to your newborn daughter.

Okay, look,
I've got no excuse, okay?

I'm so sorry.

But I was young,
and I was chasing a dream.

If it makes you feel better,

the dream didn't
work out either.

Yeah, that does
make me feel better.

So what now, Roy? Hmm?
You here for a handout?

Oh, no. No.

Uh, I started a company
a few years ago...

Roy's Hard Mimosas.

We're doing pretty well.
Have you heard of 'em?

Heard of it? It's the
champagne of mimosas!

Really? This is great! Congratulations!
Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, thank you.
Oh!

Let me propose a toast.

Ah!

Oh, Penny,

I never thought that you'd
ever want to talk to me again,

so thank you.

So here's to second chances,

and here's to Penny.
Here's to you.

Aw! Cheers!

To Penny.

Hey, is this thing street-legal?

Sure, but as far as
the law is concerned,

you're a bag of groceries.

So where is
your dumb job anyway?

I work right there.

You mean, those big buildings
behind that steak truck

that happens to be
the rival steak truck

to the steak truck that is
owned by my best friend?

Nope. I work
in that steak truck,

which happens to
belong to my dad.

Damn it, Chad!

You got me in trouble again.

Chad's what I call
my underpants monster.

I believe you two have met.

Dude, this new hockey game
is awesome.

Yeah, it's so realistic,

it won't even let me
create a black player.

Welp...
The Brazilian retaliated.

Was it bad?
It was creative.

Welp, that's a dink
in the doink.

Dave, I told you
not to play dirty.

You have to follow the four
simple principles of business...

Strategy, planning,
tactics, and execution.

Or straplanatajection.

No, Brad,
we're in the trenches now.

We gotta double down.

Max, what do you got? Slash his tires?
Key his truck?

I'll do you one better.

What say you and I grab our
three dearest possessions

and hitchhike
across the southwest?

'Cause the truth is,
I slept with Wilson.

Wilson? The volleyball
from Cast Away

that you stole from the
Houston Planet Hollywood?

No. I slept with Wilson,
the Brazilian's son.

What? Max! The Brazilian
is my archenemy.

Bros before bros, man!

How was I supposed to know that he'd
be the enemy in your weird meat feud?

Two star-crossed lovers,

both alike in dignity,

in fair Chicago
where we lay our scene.

What?
What?

Oh, my love
of rational business plans

is clashing with my love
of clandestine love affairs.

It's like Romeo and Juliet.

Nay, homeo and dude-liet.

Ooh, good one. They hath made
the beast with two butts!

Max, I can't believe
you did that.

Whose team are you on, mine or the
team that put my truck on its tushy?

Oh, my God.

Love or friendship?

This is gettin' too good.

Dave...
I'm on your team.

Good, 'cause I need your help.

Now tomorrow's
the Cubs' opening day.

I wanna decorate my truck with
ivy and a mini scoreboard,

just like at Wrigley field.

But it will only work
if I get my primo spot

in front of the stadium.

And I know the Brazilian's
gonna try to take it.

Dave, relaxi your taxi,

'cause I am gonna
get you that spot

if it's the last thing
that I do...

Before getting myself a
pizza and eating it in bed

as a celebratory feast
for getting you that spot.

Team friendship!

Team friendship!

Oh! Suh kyut!
Oh! Suh kyut!

Okay, you have to
get this dress.

It's the one!

I know but it is so expensive.

I mean, this will blow
my entire budget.

Hi!

Um, could you bring me a dress

that's a little more affordable?

Like, maybe one from last
season or one somebody died in?

Why? This is your dress.

Oh, I know
it's totally my dress.

It looks like I was
poured into it, but...

Oh!

No, you own this dress.

You are owning it!

She is owning it! Rockin' it 360!

Listen, that man
bought you this dress.

Ta-da!

Roy? What...
What are you...

Well, you and your friends
were talking about coming here

to try on dresses,
so I called ahead,

and they said you'd been
looking at this one for weeks.

You bought me this dress?
Uh-huh.

I... I can't... I wanted to
do something nice for you.

You know, since I wasn't there

to teach you
how to ride a bike or...

Have the s-e-x talk.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I still don't know
how this dad stuff works.

I mean, after all, I
abandoned my only daughter.

We know.

I'm still nervous.

It's okay. Me, too.

And luckily, the garbageman
taught me how to ride a bike.

And as for the s-e-x...

I learned how to spell
at a very young age.

Anywho, I'm just... I'm
glad that you're here now.

Me, too.

God, I really love it.

Wow.

It looks perfect.

Roy, I know this sounds fast,

but would you walk me
down the aisle?

Of course I would.

Oh!

Oh, my God, I never dreamed
you would ask me that.

Really? Even though
you are wearing a tuxedo.

Well, maybe
I'm going to the theater.

Were you?

No, I'm not.

Oh, gosh!

Aw!

You aw'd!

I'm winning you over!

No, no. See, what that was,
was "Why I oughta..."

Oh.

Okay, fine, I'm warming
up to you, Roy.

Okay, a little sugar in the gas tank.
No problem.

Max?
Huh?

Max, what are you doing here?

Uh... Uh, just...

Taking my nightly
sugar walk with my...

Funnel hat.

I can't lie to you.

I just... I came here to sabotage
the truck, but I can't do it.

I don't care what anybody says.
I wanna be together.

Screw it. I'm gonna
talk to my father

and see if we can't end this
beefy feud once and for all.

Awesome.

So...

Whilst we wait for that
convo to get on the books,

maybe Chad and I could
come up and hang out?

Oof! These Roy's bad
ass bellinis... Ah.

Are... The... Taters.

I know! I think
I'm a little

MC schlammered.

God, I love that dress!

Mmm!

You guys, you don't think
it was too much, too soon

for Roy to buy it for me,
do you?

No. I mean, I know you were
trying to stay on a budget,

but those other dresses
were garbage.

I mean, one of them was made...
Mmm!

From 100% recycled corduroy.
That was very loud.

You're right.
You're right!

- Oh.
- That's Roy...

- Oh!
- There he is!

Hi!
Hey, Roys R Us!

Ah! Hello, ladies.

Hey, I've got some great news.

I know the GM
of the Drake Hotel.

He and I did summer stock
in Ogunquit, Maine.

I called him and I reserved
you their main ballroom

for your wedding reception.

Aw! Roy, that's so sweet, but
it's outside of our budget.

Well, no, money's no object.
I got it.

Penny, the Drake is the best
place to get married in Chicago.

I mean, Oprah and Stedman have
had it reserved for 17 years.

Okay, slow down.

Pete and I are very happy with
the wedding we have planned.

Speaking of Pete,

I called him and I invited
him on a fishing trip.

Oh. Seems like a
future father-in-law

kind of thing to do, you know?

Do you think it's too soon
to ask him to call me Dad?

Yeah, Roy. I do.

I don't even call you Dad...

Because you're not, really.

Look, this is all just too much.

I don't need you to swoop in
here now and buy me a wedding.

I can do that for myself.
I needed you before,

like when I had to take mom
to the father-daughter dance,

or when that pregnant girl
punched me in the face at prom.

And I know it only seems like
I needed you during dances,

but there were plenty
of other times, too.

I don't know...
Roy.

Maybe this whole thing
was a mistake.

Well...

I'm sorry
that you feel that way.

Maybe I should just
go back to New York.

Yeah, maybe you should.

Guys, this could be
the bellinis talking,

but let's go to a strip club.

- We could check out the local...
- Talent...

Hey, guys.
Truck looks good.

Yeah, you know what else
looks good?

The truck that looks great.

The Brazilian stole Dave's idea.

I don't know. I mean, people
develop the same idea all the time

without two guys having sex
with each other.

What?

Look, I saw Wilson last night,
and I gave up the goods.

And I told him about your idea.

Max!
You're unbelievable!

Young Max hath
wronged his kinsman David,

yet I celebrate
his forbidden love.

Enough with this craziness.

You know the one thing
we haven't tried yet?

Bees. Smart.

No, Max, talking.

All right?
I'm an adult.

I'm gonna make the guy
a sandwich and go talk to him.

Dave, I'm sorry!

I... I thought
I could trust him!

God, I really wanna help out...
I know.

But I also really wanna samba.

I know.

I get it.

Hello, the Brazilian.

Hello, the American.

I made you this sandwich
as a peace offering.

We gotta end this madness.

We must figure out a way
to share Wrigleyville.

You're right.

Come back after closing.

We'll talk it out
over a cafe con leche.

Okay.

Cafe con leche.

Sim.
Okay.

Nailed it, David.

Really?

Ooh!

Ah!

Ah!

Yes!

Oh!

Ah!

Get a shirt!

Ah!

Oh!

No!

Roy?

Are you okay?

Oh!
Oh, of course I am.

Yeah. No, it...
It was just a tomato.

It... No pain at all.

It's you!

You betrayed me!
You stole Dave's idea!

I'm sorry! My father invoked
"dads before lads!"

I couldn't argue with that.

For what it's worth,
I really liked you.

I really liked you, too.

Yeah?

It is clear my son
loves your son.

Yeah.

Wait. What?

We must find a way
to work in peace, Dan.

It's Dave.

I work pretty hard
not to look like a Dan.

Respect.

Behold...

'Twas love betwixt two men
that quelled the dogs of war.

All right, Brad.

We all went to high school.

Oh, wait. Hold on.

What is... You got a
little cauliflower ear.

So you were actually kind of
there for me when I needed you.

That was nice.

Yeah. Um,
listen, Penny,

there aren't enough "I'm
sorrys" in the world

to make up
for what I did to you.

I was...

Young and selfish and...
And so... Stupid.

And then I thought I found
a way I could fix things,

and I guess I just went
too fast, is all.

Oh, trust me, I get
too fast too soon.

The first day of college,
I gained 15 pounds.

Well, anyway, I was on
my way to the airport,

and I wanted to
give you something.

So I called Jane, and she
told me where you were,

and I... I wanted to
give you this.

It's the bracelet they put
on you at the hospital

the day you were born.

I thought you might want
it for the wedding.

You know, it could be
your something old.

Well... It's the
same age as me, so calm down.

But...

This is really sweet.

Thank you.

Well, I'm off.

Uh, you ever wanna talk, you
just give old Roy a call.

I will.

Or... We could talk
at the wedding.

I mean, I...
I don't think I'm ready

to have you walk me
down the aisle, but...

But I definitely
want you to be there...

Dad.

Oh, wow.

"Dad."

That's pretty heavy.

Maybe it'd be better if we didn't
talk for another 30 years.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding 'cause I'm nervous.

But I'm so happy.

Me, too.

Hey, you know,
I never really asked you,

and mom never really
mentioned it,

but why didn't you guys
work out?

Oh. I'm super gay.

And that explains
almost everything about me.

You know,

you're the first person
I've told.

What?
No, I'm kidding!

You're the last person to know!

Everybody knows it!

I mean, come on.
Whoo!

I mean, hello! I'm the
guy selling mimosas!

I know!
I know! I know!