Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Incident - full transcript

- Perfect. Okay, I'll see you Sunday.
- Bye!

Damn, girl. You're planning
the straight Hizzell

out of that block party.

"Hizzell?"

Are we
just gonna let that slide?

It's gonna be great.

I'm gonna have a deejay in front of
my store, bands, Dave's truck...

And I will be unveiling
the new and improved version

of my classic steak sandwich.

I call it "steak-point-0."

So we are just
letting everything slide?



Oy. Um...

Okay, does everyone have something to
contribute for the silent auction?

I will be donating
a free PR consultation.

Oh. So Penny's
offering nothing.

I'll be donating three
centerpieces handmade by me,

perfect for any occasion.

A dinner party,
holiday gathering,

centerpiece hall of fame
induction ceremony.

Thanks, Jane. You make
the best centerpieces.

I know.

Oh.
Hey, buddy.

How was the funeral?

Sad.
Mmm-hmm.

Mark was a great hairdresser



and a great guy.

42 years young,
and then... Pfft. Dead.

But the real tragedy is...

I need a haircut, and I
ain't got no place to go.

Yeah, that's definitely
the real tragedy here.

What about my barbershop?

Nah. I can't keep arguing
with those guys

about Tyler Perry movies
anymore.

Black folks like
Tyler Perry, Max.

No, I love Tyler Perry movies.

It's Ray-Ray and Tooches
that think it's implausible

for Madea to keep
going back to prison.

But like I told them,
mama got tax problems.

- You should go see Krisjahn.
- Yeah.

Alex and I have been
going to him for years.

Chris John?

No. Krisjahn.
Christian.

Mmm-mmm.
No. Krisjahn.

K-R-I-S-J-A-H-N.

Krisjahn. Very common
gay-fake-French name.

No, no, Max.

You're a man, like me.

You need to go to a man who
cuts man hair man-style.

Trust me. I got a guy.

Hey, guys.
Sacrebleu!

Dude, you look like Suze Orman
if she stopped shaving.

You look like a keytar player
in a Christian rock band.

You look like Alf.

You look like an assistant manager
at a Jacksonville multiplex.

I think I need
Chris John's number.

Krisjahn.

Wait. Am I seriously
the only one feeling this?

Ugh.
Yes.

Ugh!

What?

- Ugh!
- What?

Okay, taste testers,

steak me home tonight
and Dave Rose,

in conjunction with beef and
cheese, proudly present...

The steak-point-0.

Mmm.
Yay.

Mmm-mmm. No.
No. No.

Ugh. Nope steak-point-no.
Mmm-mmm.

Sorry, but that tastes like...

Outside.

If you made tea out of a taxi
driver's underpants and then...

No. Fart paper.
Yes.

That is definitely fart paper.

Am I tasting a hard yogurt?
Is that a thing?

That is nowhere near as
good as hard yogurt.

Dave, what happened to your old sandwich?
It was great.

Boring!

I gotta mix it up
a little bit, all right?

I'm not getting
any new customers,

I got zero tweets,

and the only review on Yelp
I got was from my mom,

when she thought
she was e-mailing me.

"Davey, what's the name
of that movie

"about the horse
that goes to the war?"

Uh, "War biscuit."
duh.

Say, Dave, since I
just did you a favor

by eating your gross sandwich,

I'd like a favor in return.

See, I just bought
this new armoire...

Well, it's been years since I
appraised anything, but I guess I...

No, I was hoping to borrow your
truck to move it to my place.

Yeah. Sure.
You need any help?

No, thanks. I've got
Alex and Jane. Oh.

We used to move mattresses for
our dad's store in the summer.

Ah, we made bank.

Remember that guy
who tipped us extra

because we agreed to dress
up as his dead daughters?

Jeffrey!
We're facebook friends.

Ah! Send me the link
to that page.

Oh, he'll love that.
Hmm.

Okay. Well,
the truck's all yours.

But beware. She has some quirks.

Now this unlocks the door.

Okay.

And this starts the engine.

Oh, and when you honk the horn,

she plays "Someone's
in the kitchen with Dinah."

Why?
Because...

♪ Someone's in the kitchen
with David

♪ Chompin' on a steak sando,
oh, oh ♪

Dave, you are one of my
oldest friends... Mmm-hmm.

But if we met now,
we'd be enemies.

Thanks for the truck! Bye!

Oh, thank you so much
for helping me, Krisjahn.

Anything for a friend
of Alex and Jane's.

Sit back, relax, and we'll
have you looking more "Max"

and less "retired air force
lesbian" in no time.

Ah, gay wit...

The white noise
of the hair salon.

So... How is Alex's
block party coming along?

Is that what's happening
this week?

I... I have not
been paying attention.

Jane doesn't think Alex can pull
it off 'cause she's such a flake.

Hmm?

And Alex thinks Jane's
centerpieces are, quote,

"Pieces from the center
of a person's butt."

What?

"And that person
is not well, darling."

Do they talk that kind of trash

behind each other's backs
to you?

They've been bitch-hissing about
each other to me for years,

and not just the small stuff.

Oh! Now well,
don't stop there!

Give me all the good
stuff, fellow Gaylord.

You want something big?

Oh, I want something big, girl.

Okay. Um...

Jane thinks Alex is a
disappointment to their parents.

That... is... awesome.

Well, get this. Alex... Uh-huh?

...says that Jane is
only into black guys...

Uh-huh? Because she
lost her virginity

at the drive-in screening
of Big Momma's House.

Oh! Hallelujah!

This is like gay Christmas!

Oh, hold up.
That's the Oscars.

Right. Yes.
Yeah.

Of course. I'm sorry.

Dude, check it out.

So I went to Krisjahn
to get my hair fixed...

That's fixed?
Whatever. Anyway...

He told me about all this trash

that Alex and Jane have been talking
about each other there for years.

I mean, really hurtful,
venge-filled, soul-crushing stuff.

It was hilarious.

Yep. I know all about it.
You do?

That's how the Kerkoviches
deal with their stuff.

They talk to someone else,
never each other.

That is the dumbest
thing I've ever heard,

and I've heard Alex and Dave
talk about the civil war.

Well, that's what they do.

I mean, Alex and Jane tried
being honest with each other

like, 20 years ago.

The fight lasted for weeks.

The family never talks about it.

They just call it...

"The incident."

That sounds amazing.
Yeah.

Dude... Do not
stir this up.

I don't need any more
drama, all right?

Seriously, I just
watched Nurse Jackie,

and I cannot handle any
more drama right now.

Of course not.

Thanks. Wait.

Are you doing that thing where
you say, "Of course not,"

and then you go do it anyway?

I would never
do that to you, man.

Thanks.

Wait.

Now are you doing that
thing where you say,

"I'd never do that to you, man"

after I've questioned the sincerity
of your "of course not"?

Of course not. I would
never do that to you, man.

Thanks, man. Wait!

I like your hair.

Thanks.
I'm lying.

Thank you, guys, so much

for helping me with the armoire.

I guess you could say you're
my knights in shining armoire.

Or you could not say it.
Up to you.

I'm not your mouth boss. Mmm.

But seriously, thank you.

Well, thank, uh,
muscle-boobs over here.

She did most of the work.

I got it. It's all good.
I got this.

It's all n the legs...
From yay to hay. Mmm.

Wait. Didn't we park
Dave's truck right here?

Yeah.

Wait. Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!

Do you know what this means?
Ghost truck?

No, it means that
Dave's truck was stolen.

Right! Of course.
Of course.

Ghosts don't drive.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Dave?

I've got some bad news.

Oh, my God. Something
happened to Dave Matthews, didn't it?

It did, didn't it?

I had that weird
dream, and now he's gone...

Stop it! No, Dave Matthews is fine.
I mean, he's puffy

and he sounds like he's got
a squirrel in his mouth,

but he's fine.
Thank god.

Someone stole your truck.

What? I don't know
what happened.

I locked the doors, I took the
screwdriver out of the ignition,

I put it on the dash... You left
the screwdriver on the dash?

That's practically an
invitation to steal it!

I am so, so sorry.

Oh!
What am I gonna do?

That truck was my livelihood!

How am I gonna pay the bills?

I can't go back to being
a wild turkey shot boy.

I've put on weight. I don't have
the legs to be a little gobbler.

Well, we should call the cops.

No. No, don't be naive. The
cops don't find stolen cars.

Plus they only help
white people.

I'm sorry?

I'm 1/16th Navajo.

Well, we should at least go out
and try to find your truck.

I mean, we found your clogs

that time you left them
at the duck pond.

All right.
Fine, let's go find it.

But in the off-off chance that
we do find it...

I'm gonna bring my spare key.

I screwed the pooch.

I wined it, I dined it,

I told it it was cute and
that I valued its opinions,

even though I don't,
and then I screwed it.

Um... What are you
talking about?

Okay, I was at Krisjahn's with
Jane, and then Alex came in.

And then they started complimenting
each other...

About the block party
and the centerpieces and...

No. Tell me you didn't.

I did.

I told them all the things
that Krisjahn told me.

All the smack.

Damn you, you Kevin
Smith smell-alike!

But it was super funny!

Then it got super scary,

like when my grandpa
got on that trampoline.

And much like Pop Irving,

they're not gonna stop
till they're dead.

I can't believe you did this.

I'm gonna be sick.

I didn't...

- I didn't... Oh, wait.
- Oh, God.

It's your fault!
Ugh!

I mean, you practically
begged me to do it

by begging me not to do it.

In fact, sir, I would like an apology.
I am hurt.

I am deeply hurt that you
do not know me well enough

to know that I would
screw this up for you.

You have no idea what
you've just started, Max.

People are going to get hurt,

family members
forced to take sides,

innocent Brads yelled at
and denied sex for weeks!

Winter is coming.

Well...
Good luck with that.

No!
Okay.

You are gonna help me fix this.

Me?

Okay! I'll clean up
your mess.

I'd still like that apology.

Ah!

Fair enough.

Penny, this isn't gonna work.
The truck is gone.

Plus the flyer's
kinda misleading.

Looks like I'm the one
that's lost, not the truck.

No, it doesn't.

Hey. I found
your lost guy.

No, the guy is not lost.
The truck is lost.

You know, your flyer's
kind of misleading.

Told you.

So about the reward...

The reward is for the truck.

Whoa. Wait a minute.
You know what that is.

Oh! Oh! Okay! Whoa! You know what that is?
You know what that is?

Is that what I think it is?
Whoa!

My truck!

Some guy is selling
sandwiches out of your truck!

Son of a bitch!

Look at how busy he is!

Hey. I found
your lost truck.

Okay, you guys are
in a stupid lady fight.

We get it.
You're ladies.

Your brains are tiny
and filled with eggs.

Let's just move on.

What my pear-shaped
colleague is trying to say...

Whoa. "Pear-shaped?" I just
bought a medicine ball.

You two are sisters, okay?

You've shared
so many good times,

like that summer at the
lake in high school.

Remember that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

Good times!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Till I was grounded because Alex
ratted me out for smoking cloves.

I am not a rat!

Mom knew you were smoking 'cause
you smelt like an ashtray

and your voice was deeper
than Dad's.

You shut up!
There it is.

Guys, come on.
You're adults, okay?

Can't you just talk this out?

Yes. Yes. yeah,
talk it right out.

Okay, I'm prepared, too. MAX:
Where did you get that from?

Oh! I'm prepared, girl!

Bring it! We can talk...
Oh, I will bring it!

I will! I'm gonna bring it!

Come on, lady!
Bring it!

- And I'm gonna end you!
- Whoa!

She's making nunchakus!
Abort!

Whoa! Whoa! separate 'em!
Ow!

You were adopted!

You were born a man!

Can you believe this?

I know!

This is the best steak
sandwich I've ever had!

Wait. You went over there,

face-to-face with the guy
who stole your truck,

and you bought a sandwich
from him?

No. No.

No, I bought two.
What?

Pen, I have been struggling
to create a sando

that'll get people excited.

Well, this guy did it!

And the truck is killing
on Twitter and Yelp.

Look. "amazing sandwiches."

"My new favorite truck."

"Davey, don't go to salad bars.

"I saw something
on the news."

All right, that's another
one from my mom,

but you get the point.

Well, she's right
about the salad bars.

Hobos eat out of those things
with their own silverware.

But, Dave, this jerk
stole your truck,

and now by some miracle
we have found it.

It is obvious
what we have to do...

Take back the truck. Eat these sandwiches
till we figure out the recipe.

No, you're right.
Yeah. Take back the truck.

What are we gonna do, man?

If Jane and Alex
keep fighting like this,

someone's gonna get killed.

They'll end up in prison.

Illinois doesn't allow
conjugal visits!

The best I'll do is Jane spitting on
my neck through a chain-link fence.

You could do worse.

All right!
Fine, fine, fine, fine!

How did their first fight end?

I don't know.

I called Jane's parents,

but they're on
a Fox news cruise.

Right now they're dolphin
hunting with Geraldo Rivera.

Wait. Jane's in charge of all the
Kerkovich family photos and stuff.

She keeps them
in a storage unit.

Great! To the Max mobile!

By which, of course, I mean your
Prius, which I sometimes sleep in.

That's so sad.

Ah! Hee!

Ah, stupid flashlight!

Why you so stupid all the time?

You know I almost
lived in one of these?

Then I found an abandoned
tugboat, and it was way cheaper.

Great story, Max. Great.

Ahh! Ahh!

He got me! Help me!
Help me, Oprah!

Help me! Ahhh!

Dude, it's you.

It is me.

And he's anatomically correct.

Why would Jane have
one of these?

I don't know, and I don't
want to talk about it.

Really? 'Cause it is all
I wanna talk about.

Can we just do what we
came here to do, man?

Yes. Sorry.

Stop looking at him.

Okay, the incident
happened in 1993.

This place is so organized.

It's totally taking the fun out

of searching through
a creepy storage space.

Less yappin' and
more findin', brah.

Mmm-hmm.

♪ We will find
what we're looking for

♪ Before we get to the door

♪ We will find... ♪
Uh!

Cool.

It's one of Alex's fourth
grade book reports.

Yeah, she dumb.

Oh!

Look.

Articles from
their neighborhood paper.

What? Yes!

Sweet. Okay.

"Sisters fight
in grocery store?" No.

"Sisters cause
traffic hazard."

"Sisters burn down
family garage?"

I gotta tell ya, I don't know
what is more disturbing...

How much chaos
Alex and Jane have caused

or how much attention this paper
paid to two little girls.

Oh! "Sisters make peace."

Yes! That's it.

Jackpotty.

Now come on. The block
party starts in 12 hours.

They'll both be there.
Yeah.

Hey, why does this thing
have a motor on the back?

I don't
want to talk about it, man!

Thanks. Come again.

More like don't come again,

'cause this guy's a dirty crook!

I mean, please come again once we restore
this truck to its rightful owner.

- Appreciate your biz.
- Okay, bye!

You stole Dave's truck!

Yeah, my truck!

Although, that being said,

your cooking has
this playfulness.

I mean, I... I just
can't stop smiling.

David, focus!

I don't know what
you guys are talking about.

This is my truck!

That's my sink,
this is my grill,

these are my pictures of you...

Crap!

How did you think you were gonna get
away with stealing Dave's truck

and then serving sandwiches out
of it in the same neighborhood?

I didn't think.
I just felt.

Meat is an instrument,
and I wanted to play it,

so I did, 'cause I
live my life like jazz.

Right on, man.

You disgust me.
We're calling the cops.

Yeah! Unless...

You give me the recipe.

Yeah! Wait. what?

I need those sandos, Penny.

Okay. Sure.

I basically just used

the dry rub you already
had in the truck...

Plus...

One secret ingredient.

Love.

Of course,
you beautiful bastard! Love!

I was so focused on my
success and reviews,

I completely forgot about the craft.

I literally make love
to the meat.

Mmm, 'kay.

We're definitely
calling the cops now, man.

I'll never forget you, Dave!

No! Oh, never! Never!

Mmm, you gotta
admire his passion.

And his little rat butt.

Hey. Where's Jane and Alex?
No. No, no.

Okay, you'd better hurry.

They're over there
and they're gettin' louder.

I just heard the phrase
"from your 'v' to your 'a'."

Are you kidding me right now?
Not even a little bit.

What? You gave me a serious
addiction to candy cigarettes.

You broke my Bob Dole
action figure!

Hear me, Kerkoviches!

This ends...
now!

Uh, where did you get those?

From her.

Nana!

She's still alive?

Yeah, Kerkovich women
have good genes.

If they don't die in a
war or a turnip famine,

they live forever.

Sestra Ples.

Nana.
Nana.

Oh, God.

Mmm.

What is going on?

Well, apparently, the last
time they fought like this...

The incident.

Nana said that they brought shame
onto the entire Kerkovich family.

She said Kerkoviches
fight Croats,

Turks, Albanians, and
non-like-minded Christians,

but never each other.

You know, I was surprised to find
that quote in the newspaper.

Me, too.

Anyway, then nana made Jane
and Alex do Sestra Ples.

What is that?

The sister dance.

They're dancing without me?

- Ugh!
- Seriously?

It's not working.

No. Let them dance.

Wait.
They're smiling.

They're having fun.

They're not fighting anymore.
Aw!

Hup! Hup! Hup!
Hup! Hup! Hup!

Hup! Hup! Hup!
Hup! Hup! Hup!

Ah. I'm sorry.
Me, too.

Well, I'll be damned.
It worked!

Of course.

The dance reminded them
that they are sisters.

Mmm.
They are Serbians.

They are members
of the master race

that will one day bathe
in the blood of the...

Okay, nana. All right.
That's enough.

I could've sworn
I was at her funeral.

It was an open casket!

Yay!

Yeah!

Master plan!

Girl! That's...

Sestra Ples.

So... Elephant in
the room, um...

Why do you have a life-size
dummy of me again?

Well, you were traveling
a lot on business,

and I was watching a ton
of Nancy Grace... Mmm-hmm.

So I made this guy to make
it seem like you were home.

Oh.
Yeah.

I am home now.

We are eating broccoli
and dinner.

Time to watch sport game.

Go, home team!

Oh. I get it.
That makes more sense.

It's just for security.

Yeah.
Yeah.

You are my everything.
Okay.

You look good with short
hair or long hair.

Wait a minute.

Way to keep it tight, girl.

"Keep it tight, girl?" How
does he know it's tight? What?

Um, emotional security

is just as important
as physical security.

You are right. I am wrong.

I am wrong. I am wrong.

I am always wrong.
Mmm! Mmm, mmm!

Music to my ding dang dong ears.

I am wrong.