Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Straight Dope - full transcript

So you're saying that if
filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow

married and divorced former
wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow,

then married Deuce Bigalow,

she'd be known as Kathryn
Bigelow-Bigelow-Bigalow male gigolo?

Yes. And if Kathryn and Bam Bam
had a one-night stand four-way

with Andrew Ridgeley
and George Michael,

then that would be a "wham bam,
thank you, wham," with Bam Bam

and Kathryn Bigelow-Bigelow-Bigelow-
Bigalow male gigolo.

Right.

But what I asked was,
"Who's hungry?"

I could eat a sub. Oh, yeah.
I could always eat.



Okay. I thought you idiots
were going to the Bulls game?

We tried to scalp tickets, but
Dave's "instincts" kicked in.

I won these at a church raffle,

so you can just
have them for face value.

He's a cop!
Deal's off, pig!

I told you. Chicago P.D. has
a jump street unit. Ugh.

We gotta watch the game here.

Well, you're gonna have to take it
up with the little one over there.

Consider your TV Liam Neeson's
daughter, 'cause this bitch is taken.

And your remote is also
Liam Neeson's daughter

'cause this bitch is taken, too.

Why don't you just
watch TV at your place?

We don't have cable anymore.

Deal's off, pig!



Well, in fairness to Dave,

he has been overly suspicious

ever since he accidentally
got on that bangbus.

Everyone, quiet!

Baby Justice is on.

Oh! This is that show about a
sassy toddler named Justice

who's also the honorary sheriff
of a small town in Ohio.

The tagline is, "I'm gettin'
too old for this poop."

Talk to me.

Where's my gun?

Uh!

Well, that crap is PBS compared
to the other stuff she watches,

which is basically people just getting
hit in the sac for cash and prizes.

It's funny 'cause
we're a nation in decline.

Baby Justice isn't garbage.

President Obama watches it.

That was an SNL sketch.

Look, guys,
I may not read the paper

or know what an Ira Glass is,
but I have depth.

I will have you know
that I am an avid journaler.

Oh, I gotta get
my mitts on this.

I have been waiting my whole
life for this moment. Thank you.

What? This is just
a series of top ten lists.

"Coolest smells.
Celebrity crushes.

"Favorite time of day?"

Oh.
"4-way tie for first."

"Naptime" is on there twice?

Everyone needs two naps per day.

Honorable mention
for "beer o'clock."

This is serious journalism.

And that's where the term
"downbeat" comes from.

Cool.
Oh.

Mmm-hmm.
Wow, I was way off.

Oh, man.
Thumb-face Larry is here.

Ugh! Oh, that guy is so annoying.

How many times am I gonna
have to hear the story

about how he test-drove a Volt?

And I hate how he's always trying
to check the label on my shirt

to see where it's from.

Yeah, plus he's bad in bed.

- I've heard.
- Ah.

- From people.
- Mmm.

- Who are me.
- Wait!

You slept with Thumb-face Larry?

First of all,
I blame beer goggles.

But he was the last
gay guy in the bar,

so I do have to blame
queer goggles.

And he did give me
a piece of his bagel,

so I do have to also
blame schmear goggles.

Mmm.

Look, I've just been trying
to avoid him ever since.

Oh, well, I think
he just spotted you.

Mmm. MAX:
Oh, man.

Okay, act like we're in some
sort of in-depth conversation

so that he doesn't feel the need
to come over here and interject.

Of course. We got you, buddy.

Traitors!

Uh, uh...
Hey. Hey! Hey. Oh.

Uh, sorry to do this,
but would you mind, uh,

pretending to have a fake
conversation with me

so that someone doesn't come
over here and talk to me?

Okay. Uh, what should
we pretend to talk about?

I don't know.
Our fake marriage?

We're married?

D... Uh, dating.
For how long?

Three years.
We're not married yet?

Can't we just have
one fake conversation

without you talking about
marriage all the time?

Hey, Brad.
Hey, Penny.

I love that shirt, Brad.

Where's it from?
Come on.

J... Hey! Get
your thumbs off me, Larry!

God! Structure.

So crisp.
Thanks.

Then it's settled.

Next Valentine's Day,

we will meet at the top
of the Empire State Building,

and when I don't show up, you will jump.

Okay, this has got
to be the weirdest way

a guy's ever tried to hit on me,

and honestly, I don't hate it.

Oh!

This happens a lot.
I'm not actually, um...

Hey, listen. I get great seats
to tons of stuff through my job.

Would you wanna go
to the Bulls game tomorrow?

The Bulls game?
Yeah.

With a beautiful woman?
Uh...

I'd have to be gay
to say "no" to that.

Just to be clear, I am not gay,

and yes, I do wanna
go to the Bulls game.

So...
This is definitely weird.

Yeah, and I know I'm not
dreaming, 'cause if I were,

everyone would be me.

Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm finished with
the Metro section. Help yourself.

Okay.
All right. I'll bite.

Whatcha doin', Al?

Well, I thought about what you
guys said, and you're right, okay?

I've been polluting my mind with tabloid
magazines and entertaining television.

So from now on, I am only
gonna read newspapers

and watch TV shows where white
guys sit behind big desks.

That is it.

Okay.

Cool.

Good luck with that.

What? You don't
think I can do it?

No.
We think you can do it.

There's just no way
that you will. And also...

You can't.

Come on, let's face it, Al.

You lose focus more often than that
camera I told Jane not to buy.

Eight years. It's been eight years.
I told you not to buy it.

You guys don't know
what you're talking about.

All right, Al,
remember that time

that you tried to watch
the AFI Top 100 Comedies,

and you gave up when Harold and Maude
didn't make it to White Castle?

Or... Remember that time when
you almost married Dave?

Yeah, remember that?

This time it's different,
okay? I'm serious.

I'm as serious as this mess
in Washington. Am I right?

What? Am I not right? I'm only
halfway through the article.

Check out how dope my seats
at the Bulls game were.

That's Carlos Boozer's knee.

That's Rip Hamilton's thigh.

That's the security guard's
hand from when he took my phone

because apparently upshort
pictures are not allowed

at the United Center.

Hmm. So this girl took
you to a Bulls game,

you went for drinks after,
then you walked her home.

Sounds like a date.

Good. That's what
I'm going for.

Wait. Did you get off the "D" train
and transfer to the "V" train

at Grand Sexual station?

Guys, come on.

Gay. Straight.
Human sexuality is a...

...is a rich mosaic
with vivid...

So you're using her
for Bulls tickets?

Some would say
that she's using me.

Of course
those people would be wrong,

and the more accurate description
is that I'm using her.

Max!
I'm doing her a favor.

Who would you rather her date,

some 24-year-old jager hound who's
only using her for her body?

I would rather her date some
sophisticated, older gay man.

And who might that be now?

Really? Okay, as someone
who's dated enough gay guys

to earn the nickname
"Will She Ever Learn?",

I cannot allow you to keep
wasting this girl's time.

Wasting her time?

She'll figure it out.
She's young. She's hot.

That makes it worse, Max!

There are a limited number
of hot chicks out there.

And on behalf of the 24-year-old
jager hounds who don't have a voice,

I also object.

How dare you, sirs...

Telling me who
I can and can't love?

I am just glad

that the gay guy that
Sean Penn played in Milk

is not around to hear this.

You mean Harvey Milk?

I saw Yes Man instead.

Oh.

Look at that little girl
reading that great big book!

"The Global Financial Crisis:
A Macroeconomic Perspective."

Jumping right into
the deep end, no floaties.

I'll be honest, it's tough.

I'm having a hard time
following some of it.

Well, if you're lookin'
for the 411 on the GFC,

look no further than
the University of Dave Rose,

Champaign-Urbana.

Here's what you need to know.

The economy is like this
great, big unpoppable bubble.

Wait. I don't think that lines up with
what I just learned about the economy...

Or what I've always
known about bubbles.

Yes, it is a complicated matter.

Okay, you see,
you have Fannie and Freddie.

They might be brother and sister.
Let me back up.

At the end of "Trading Places,"

they're selling frozen orange
juice futures. That...

You know what?
Let me back up again.

Eddie Murphy
was fresh off 48 hrs.

Okay, let me
stop you right there.

I'm sorry. Am I moving
too quickly for you?

Dave...

No offense,

but it just seems like you're bundling
a bunch of your worthless ideas

and trying to pass them off
the same way the banks did

with mortgage-backed securities.

Hmm. I guess some of
this is sinking in.

Dear God, what did that mean?

Ugh.
Another text from Max.

It's a picture of him
and Katie at the game.

Wait. They have seats
next to John Cusack's mom?

No, that's John Cusack. Oh.

I cannot believe Max
is getting away with this.

It is so unfair to that girl.

And it's unfair to whoever has
that seat behind his giant head.

We have to tell Katie he's gay.

Oh, that seems mean.

Okay, well, then let's use the gay
stuff Max does to create a trap

and force him to out himself.
All right.

What are the gay things
Max does?

Okay. Hmm.

Oh! Doesn't he spend hundreds of
dollars on lotions and creams?

No, that's me.

Ooh! What about that
binder he has full of pictures

of men's goatees?

That's Dave.
Mmm-hmm.

But he does have that giant
collection of gay porno.

Weirdly, that's Alex. Oh.

And every time I ask her
why, she just says...

"Hey, I don't
smoke but I have ashtrays."

You know, I'm starting to think Max
is the least gay of all of us.

What a fresh character.

Except for the one
really gay thing he does.

Sex with men?

That's exactly what
I was referring to!

Oh!

I wish there was a way
we could use that.

Hey, Max! You remember
Thumb-face Larry.

I mean, Regular Larry.

Hey, Max.
I love that shirt.

Where is it from?

Oh, come on! Oh!
All right, enough of that.

Okay. Okay. So...

Thanks for stopping by, but
you guys gotta get going now.

Max! Are these your friends?
Uh...

I think it's safe to call these
two "more than friends."

Am I right, Lar?

Well, we did spend a
magnificent night together.

Yes, coming up
with business ideas.

Business ideas?

I... I thought
we had something special.

So did I, but the
market didn't like it.

And the market...
She's a fickle lady.

We made love in your shower.

Is the title of the track
that we produced together,

which we thought would go straight
to the top of the charts.

Oh, I remember that track.

Just sounded like a couple
of dudes having sex.

Everybody's a critic,
ain't they? Huh?

Oh, hey!
Larry, look!

That guy's wearing
two different shirts!

I wish there was a way
that we could find out

where each one of them was from.

I have a way.
Yeah?

You got some nerve on you.

Well, that was weird.
Weird alert.

Yeah. I didn't know
Max had a business partner.

She still doesn't know.

I wonder if I should invite Larry
to the Bulls game tomorrow?

I have a third ticket.
It's right behind the bench.

Aw, Katie, the thing is,
Max is...

Really insistent on not mixing
business with pleasure.

But I'll go to the game
with you guys. Great!

What are you doing?

What about the truth?

Oh. Right.

Um, Max and Penny used to date,
and she's still in love with him,

so any, like,
wild claims she makes

should instantly be dismissed as the
ravings of a jealous mad woman.

No. See, okay... Awkward.

No, it's not awkward, actually,
because it's not true.

But, see, Max is gay. Oh.

- Sad, sad Penny.
- But he is.

I'm sorry. No, don't
you feel sorry for me.

I feel sorry for you!

Aw, now she's projecting.

I've been there. What?
I'm engaged.

I don't care. How come
I've never met him?

Okay.
Now...

Should we eat at the game
or go for steaks after?

I vote both.
Both, yeah.

Go, Bulls!

You don't understand.
Alex has gotten way smarter.

It's possible
she's even smarter than me.

Until last week, you thought people
in the army wore "camel-flage."

Makes sense. Camels are
good at blending in.

Anyway, she's out of control.

I can't say or do anything
without her correcting me.

I can't live like this. We gotta
get her back on the sauce.

All the old shows. I'm talking
fatsos in small spaces,

real housewives
in various locations,

idiots giving roses
to other idiots.

I actually think
it's gonna be nice

to have a little intellectual
discourse with my sister.

Okay, fine.

If you won't help me
make her dumber,

then I'm gonna help me
make me smarter.

So if you'll excuse me, I have
some library books to read.

Your truck's on fire.

Why did I put the books
next to the grill?

Why did I put the books
next to the grill?

Oh, God!

Oh, dear God! Oh, God!

I cannot wait to hear about all
the new stuff you're learning.

But let's order first.

I'm thinking about the ribs.

Oof! Ribs for lunch.

No, too heavy.
I'm gonna have the salmon.

You get the beet salad,
and we'll share.

You can pick the dressing
as long as it's on the side

and in the vinaigrette family.
I'll pick the dressing.

Classic controlling Jane.

No, I'm not controlling.
I'm just aggressively helpful.

Jane, it's okay. And
obsessive need to control

is actually quite common
in older siblings.

I'm reading all about it in a
fascinating book on birth order.

That is a...

Interesting theory.

Yeah.
It's an unconscious attempt

to regain the status you felt
you lost when I was born.

It's why you dye your hair, it's
why you hate wearing long pants,

and it's why...

Well, don't even get me started

on the whole
interracial marriage thing.

That is mom-sense.
Mmm?

I mean, nonsense.
I mean, I... I don't...

But... the new baby
doesn't have to wear the big girl pants.

I know. Are you
all set to order?

Yes. I'm gonna have the ribs,
and she'll also have the ribs.

That way, we can share.

We're gonna share ribs.
Thank you.

So you are throwing
a party for smart people.

Actually...

A 'salon' is a type of gathering

popularized
in 18th century France,

where writers, artists,
and intellectuals would meet

to refine their tastes
through conversation.

Oh, sounds fun. I wish I
could, but I have stuff.

Tonight is gonna be a veritable
who's who of people who respond

to fliers they see on community
college bulletin boards.

Well, you seem to have
the hot hand intellectually.

What should I do
about my Max situation?

Sorry, Penny.
I can't help you.

But I do know someone who can...

Sun Tzu. Dave's friend who
always tries to sell me yarn?

Oh, Penny.

Classic Alex.

What?

Sun Tzu.
"The art of war."

Turn your weakness
into your strength.

As Max's crazy ex,

you have intimate knowledge of the
one thing he does not want to do.

Exercise? Bathe?

Kill spiders?
Hold farts in?

Not eat sugar
directly out of the bag?

Have sex with a woman?
Touch corduroy?

Oh, it's touch corduroy!
Dee!

No! It was "have sex
with a woman." Damn it!

Use your knowledge of Max's repulsion
to lady parts against him.

Wow.

You and your
Chinese buddy are good.

Hey, Al!
Look what we got.

Wait. Is it
"have got" or "have gotten"?

Damn it. I've forgotten
how to use grammar.

All right, keep
it together. She can smell fear.

DVDs.

We have Wipeout, Jackass,

and a Japanese game show

where you carry
your best friend's cat

through a room full of dogs.

Sounds so fun.

While we're here, I'm gonna
have you take a quick whiff

of this modeling glue,
see if it's gone bad.

All this seems strange.

Not really. They're just intimidated
by my growing intellect,

and they want the old Alex back.

Listen, clowns,
I got news for you.

I like the way I am now, and I'm
not gonna change, so deal with it.

Oh. This glue
smells fine to me.

Mmm. Trees.

Oh, God.

All righty. Okey-dokey.

So I heard Katie's
taking you and Max

to the Jay-Z concert on Saturday night.
That sounds fun.

Yep. It's his last
retirement tour...

Before his next
last retirement tour.

Wait.
How do you know that?

Oh, Katie told me...
When I invited her here.

When you what now?

- Hey, guys!
- Hi there!

There's my little sweetie.

Hey.

Penny, what are you doing?

You're not gonna
embarrass yourself again

by making a bunch of jealous
accusations, are you?

Actually, I invited
Katie here to apologize.

You were right, Brad. I do have
unresolved feelings for Max,

and that's why
I was talking so cray.

Okay. Uh...

They're not feelings up here...

Or here.
More like...

Down here.

Oh.
Real talk...

Max gave me the most world
view-shattering sex of my life.

Eh-squeeze?

Katie knows what I'm talking about.
Am I right, girl?

Actually,
we've been taking it slow.

Well, that explains why you
still have your voice.

You haven't lost it yet
from screaming.

Ugh. Tell you the truth, we
haven't even kissed yet.

But we have done something
Max calls "forekissing."

Nice, nice...

Aw!
Boop, boop, boop.

Mmm.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

You were amazing.

Oh, sure. That move.

He calls that back later.

And when he does, be prepared to
purchase a whole new bedroom set.

All of it?

Oh. Well...
I do like sex,

and I hate my current
bedroom furniture.

Then make a move, girl!

Do not wait.

Or a-keep a-waiting.

At least until
after the Jay-Z concert,

'cause you're gonna wanna have full
range of motion, pelvicly speaking.

Uh, I think I'm gonna opt for the
world view-shattering sex instead.

Yeah, girl!

Hey, now!

Ah.
Oh! Mmm.

Max, it's an emergency! Open up!

Hey, Brad.
Ugh. Larry?

Really?
What?

I needed to blow off some steam.

I've been forekissing all week.

Besides, he doesn't look
that much like a thumb.

I look like a thumb?

Whoops.
Not now, Larry.

A little. Listen, man,
we have a situation.

Your girlfriend's gonna
try and have sex with you.

Ah! Well, I fold.

Too rich for my blood.
Hey, hey! No, no, no!

Come on, man,
you can't quit now!

The Jay-Z concert's
in three days!

You're right. You're right.
I can do this.

Yes! It's just sex with a woman.

Right? Straight
guys do it all the time.

I did it this morning.

And I can do anything
I set this mind to.

Lady butt.
Gross!

Why are they
so weird and hairless?

All right, we have work to do.

Um...

Va...
Testicles.

All right.

Fallopian...
Dudes.

Which is why I think
our understanding

of the subconscious will
evolve the more we learn

about the cognitive structures
of the brain. Very true.

You know,
I was reading about Freud,

and his theory on the
subconscious was fascinating.

Freud?

Excuse me, 1897 wired.

They'd like their
antiquated notions back.

Well, they can't have 'em.
You know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Anyway, the prefrontal
cortex houses broca's area,

so we get to choose our...

This is really romantic.

So romantic.

You know what else is romantic?
What?

DVDs.
Ooh.

I got Schindler's List. We
could watch that. Okay.

I got a documentary
on female circumcision,

and I got a home movie
that I made

that's just a bunch of scenes
of old men buying fruit. So...

We're in for
a pretty steamy night.

Mmm. Speaking of steamy,
I feel like it's...

It's hot in here, right?
It's kind of... Yeah?

Yeah. Usually, this apartment...

A little hot, I feel. I feel like it.
...is drafty.

Oh, you brought those.
There are these.

You know what else is sexy?

This compression sleeve.

Mmm? What do you say
we just strap this

over your yabbos?

Flatten those perky things out?

What?
What?

Forget that.
Oh.

Let's take it back to one. Okay.

Okay, here I come.

I'm sorry. I'm gay.

Of course you are.

I had a feeling.

Why have you been
going out with me then?

At first, it was just 'cause of your
sweet-ass Bulls tickets. But...

But then, Katie,
I got to know you,

and it was still just about
your sweet-ass Bulls tickets.

It's true what they say.

All the good ones
are either taken or gay.

Um, okay, you're not a good one.

You're a liar, and you
have my mom's body.

So good-bye, Max.

Are we still going
to the Jay-Z concert?

If we are, don't say anything!
Just slam the door!

I hate myself sometimes.

Hey, Larry.

Hey, Al.
Hi.

We've been looking for you.

Why aren't you out
at your party?

You guys were right.

The smart world is not for me.

No, we were wrong.

We think it's great that
you're bettering yourself,

and we should've
been more supportive.

Yeah, we kinda suck.

But those people...
I mean,

you mix up "the Id and
the Ego" one time,

and they are all over you.

Well, in your defense, those
are two similar-looking fish.

Oh. That's not right, is it?

No.
Okay.

It's too bad, 'cause I enjoyed
knowing stuff about things.

But on the bright side, I get
to catch up on my shows.

I wonder if Baby Justice ever
brought down that dogfighting ring.

You know, you don't have to
choose one world or the other.

Yeah. You can be smart
and still watch crap.

I mean, just do what everyone
else does and like it ironically,

when really there's no difference
between that and actually liking it.

You had me at "watch crap,"

then you lost me
at "ironically,"

then I just got hungry.

- She's back. She's back! Oh.
- Oh! She's back!

So what do you say? You wanna
get back to your party?

I got a better idea.

Get out, nerds!

Go!

Oh!

He got it in the nads!

Right in the nuts.
Bye.

Maxy, did you learn your lesson?
Oh, yeah.

Next time I pretend to be
straight for free Bulls tickets,

I gotta tell 'em right off
the bat I can't have sex

because my penis has
been cursed by a witch.

Yeah, super believable. Do
not try and top that. Hmm.

I won't.
'Cause you can't.

Hey, guys. Katie. What
are you doing here?

I'm taking you
to the Jay-Z concert.

Awesome. Really?
No, fat ass.

I'm bringing Penny!
Aw!

She called you a fat ass.

You see, we bonded over all
the gay guys we've dated.

But those days are behind us.

In fact, I'm seeing
this new guy,

and he's coming
to the concert tonight.

Ooh!
You gotta meet him.

- Congratulations. That's really...
- Derrick.

You stud.

Drama.