Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 22 - Deuce Babylove 2: Electric Babydeuce - full transcript

So last month, to celebrate
our one year of dating bliss,

big Dave surprised me
and took me

on a Huey Lewis
and the News cruise.

Aw.

Cut to seventh
encore "Hip To Be square,"

Huey pulls me up on le stage.

You'll never guess
what happened next.

My top came off!

She took it off.

Ugh! Gross, Mom!

She's a keeper.
Really?



♪ Huey Lewis
and them thangs ♪

Yeah!

So in answer to your question,

that was the second largest
crowd to ever see my hooters.

Ooh! What was the first?

Robert Bork's confirmation hearing.
The '92 Masters.

You said one thing,
you said another thing.

Oh, wait.
Ooh, is that the third?

Cruise was third.
Okay, that was the third.

Yeah. Speaking of
things hanging out,

how about us, huh?

We've got my dad here,
we've got Penny's mom,

the whole crew.
This is great.

I know. I don't know why
anybody thought it was weird



you guys were dating at first.

You are great together...

Jay and Bey great.

Don't know what that is.

She means Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Not my friend Jay
in the Chesapeake Bay...

'Cause that's where he drowned.

RIP, Jay.

Embraced by the tide
and called home to hell.

Any-Bay...

What are we gonna do with this big
group tomorrow, huh?

A little 4-on-4 hoops?

Maybe an 8-person party bike?

Chinese New Year dragon?

Well, actually,
we're taking Penny and Dave

to that "TV robots
through the ages" exhibit...

Yeah.
At the museum of science.

It covers all the greats. They
got Rosie from "The Jetsons,"

K.I.T.T. from "Knight
Rider," Angie Harmon.

What about this foursome
over here, huh?

Jane? Brad? Alex?

What are we gonna do?
4-person mini dragon?

Uh, we would love to,
but we have to go to a bris.

A what? It is a Jewish
circumcision party.

Don't worry.

Only the baby gets circumcised.

All right, well, have fun.

And mind your groin.

Okay, so everybody's got...

Got stuff to do. That's...
That's good. That's good.

We'll put a pin in it,
and then...

And then we'll all...
Get...

Get back together w-when... when
everyone's schedule permits.

This is not a great color
on you.

Well, I think it's adorable

how much time
you guys spend together.

You're practically
attached at the hip,

like those conjoined
German prostitutes

I saw on "Real Sports."

They're also power lifters.

I wouldn't say we spend
that much time together.

I mean, just breakfast

four or five times a week
before work.

And drinks during the day
most days.

Not every day, but
definitely every evening.

And, sure, we always
deliver news in person.

You know, maybe we should
review that policy.

Jane, did you hear
who Max hooked up with?

A guy named Jorsh.

Um, can it wait?

Jane! Did you hear what I...
Oh.

Dear Jorsh.
That thing is no joke.

I still don't know why you felt
the need to read my chart.

Jane, they say you should
always get a second opinion.

Mine just happens to be gross.

- Yeah, it is.
- You got that right.

♪ But it feels so good ♪
Oh!

Are we terrible people for lying

and saying that
we were going to a bris?

No. We're not
terrible people.

We need some couple time
away from the group.

If we get into this tennis
club, it could be our thing.

Like how making love out of nothing
at all is Air Supply's thing.

Yeah, like how being terrified of
a dunk contest is Lebron's thing.

Exactly.

Yeah, you're right.

Lying is the only way to avoid
hurting Max's feelings.

Dude cannot handle
being excluded.

Um, Max, when we said we're going
to Mexico for our anniversary...

We meant just us.

Oh.

Come on, Danny.

I can't believe we brought him.

I can't believe he won that wet pants
contest at Senor O'Callahan's.

Don't worry.
A bris is a great lie.

I was gonna tell him we were
going horseback riding,

but I was afraid it would come
out that I ride sidesaddle.

- Aw.
- Shalom. Shalom!

Hey, guys.

What is up? We were gonna tag
along with you guys to that bris.

Alex has never been to one.

Yeah. And I don't
remember my first two.

Of course, the second one was
less of a religious ceremony

and more of a horrific
jet skiing accident. Oh.

Wait. Why are you guys
going to a bris

dressed like
Venus and Jane Williams?

Alex, there is no bris.

They're going to play tennis.

The only question is...
Why would you lie?

Yo, I ain't lie.

Why would you lie to us?

The facts did change,
but I ain't lie.

You need to tell the truth.
Don't come at me like that.

Wouldn't have to if you told the truth.
Don't come at me like that.

I wouldn't have to if you told the truth.
You talk like that, for real?

It's about honesty.
It makes me feel unsafe.

It's about honesty between friends.
All right, okay.

We're busted.

Brad and I are joining a private
tennis club, and we didn't tell you

because we...
We know how you get,

and we were afraid that you...

That you would, um,
make fun of us. Right?

Yes. Make fun of us.
That... was the fear.

That was the fear right there.

Guys, come on. This is me.

Of course
I'm gonna make fun of you.

I mean, almost immediately,

I'm in an area of what time
is your monocle fitting,

Ambassador Goldface Von Cash?

Stop.

And that's just first blurt.
Love it.

Guys, we would've
totally invited you,

but it's gonna be really lame.

I mean, we don't
even wanna do it.

It's really just a
networking thing for Brad.

Definitely not your scene.

Say no more. That sounds horrible.
Yeah.

Agreed.
Hey, catch you after,

if we haven't killed ourselves.
Am I right?

- No. Don't do that.
- Okay, all right.

Peace on earth. Enjoy your
tennis, Ambassador Goldface.

You, too, Mrs. Cash.

Oh.
That's so, so funny!

Good save.
I think they bought it.

I bet they think we bought it.

Not our scene?

You know what that means, right?

Those two richies think
we're not good enough

to hang out at a tennis club.

They do?
Yeah.

This is how groups of
friends fall apart, Alex.

Pretty soon they're gonna start
doing all this rich people stuff

and leave us poor folks
to fend for ourselves.

We need to do something
about it.

Yeah. Let's show that 1%
that the other 10%

are just as good as they are.

Exactly.

What a fun family outing.

Oh, what fun.
I know. It's amazing.

They got the original
"Small Wonder" robot

on loan from Crispin Glover.

Wait.

Robots collecting robots.
Am I right?

Can I get anyone a drink?

Ooh. Ooh. I have a lovely
homemade pear wine

in the trunk of my car.
Let me get that.

Well, uh, actually,
how about some champagne?

Because we do have some news.

I knew it.
They're getting married.

I... Die.

As you know, big David and I
care about each other very much.

And?

And we're not getting any younger.
We're a little old.

And?

We're adopting a baby.

Oops.
Uh-oh.

I can see that you kids
are a teeny bit wigged out,

but listen, we got so much
joy out of raising you both,

that we've decided to do it again...
Together.

Besides, we're through
raising you.

You're all grown up. Don't need us anymore.
Oh, no.

It's over. So...
What do you think?

What do we think?
This is great news.

What flavor are you thinking?

Black, ayzsh, original recipe?

Dave, you wanna weigh in
on this breaking news?

Uh...
Well, I know on the outside

I may look like a stoic
"just for men" box model,

but on the inside, I'm jazzed.
Jazzed.

That is the perfect word.

It encapsulates our excitement

while simultaneously
referencing jazz,

America's one true art form.

So, yeah. Congrats.

Thank you.

Or, more purely stated...

♪ Skiddily bop bop,
skiddily bop bop

♪ Skiddily bop bop, yeah ♪

Mmm!
Good on ya, Chad.

Like your style, buddy.

Babe?
Mmm. Mmm!

This place is amazing,

especially the locker room.

I mean, shaving cream? Heated.
Towels? Heated.

Locker room attendant?

Heated...

When I pointed out
all of those lotions

are full of toxic parabens,
but don't worry.

I gave him a thick tip.

Mmm, bet you did.
Well, I just had

a pomegranate blueberry
quinoa smoothie,

and let me tell you,
if there is one single oxidant

left up in me,
I am a monkey's uncle.

God, I hope they let us join.
Oh, me, too.

Brad, Jane?

Connie Kelly,
membership director.

I know what they say.

Never trust a man
with two first names,

but when it's ladies' names,
it doesn't apply.

Oh!
Oh, Connie.

Welcome to
the Gold Coast Tennis Club.

We are excited
to be here, Connie.

Oh, and I'm excited
to show you around.

Uh, just waiting on two others.

And oh! There they are.

Hello!
Hello!

Brad, Jane,
this is Max and Alex.

Lovely day for tennising, isn't it?
Oh, it is.

Shall we begin?
Yeah.

Oh, we shall.
Oh, we shall.

Mmm.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Wow. So our parents
are adopting a baby together.

I can't believe I'm not
gonna be the baby anymore.

This is now officially
my worst nightmare.

That's right, Jason Giambi
sex dream. You're out.

I mean, they shouldn't be
adopting a baby at their age.

They should be salting
their grapefruit

and watching
broadcast television.

And you know what this means?

We're the ones who are gonna
have to take care of this kid.

I'm 30. How is a 30-year-old
supposed to take care of a baby?

Well, you're 31
if you're a minute,

but who's counting?
Hurtful.

But seriously,
what are we gonna do?

This is a bad idea. They
aren't thinking long-term.

They're forgetting
that having a kid

isn't all tickles and hugs.

Yeah, I'm sure if they had
to take care of a baby

for just one day,
they'd be like...

No, thanks, baby.

Mmm, exactly.

Wait. And all
we have to do is ask

one of our friends with a
kid if we can babysit,

then we bring that stroller
meat around big Dave and Dana

and remind them that
having a kid is a nightmare.

Good idea. Scare 'em straight.
Mmm-hmm.

Like that time we took Max
to that prison

and scared all those inmates

into getting
their lives together.

Tough love.
Let's do this.

And here is
the grand dame herself...

Center court.

Man, if this court could talk,

it would say, "Why has
God done this to me?

"Curses to you, God!"

Connie, you are a treat.

Excuse me for just a moment.

Uh, don't wanna be
a name dropper,

but I think I just spotted

Cook County Deputy
Comptroller Sheryl Pflimf.

We're dear friends.
One moment.

Sheryl!

What the hell are you
guys doing here?

Taking a tour, thinking
about joining the club.

Sussin' it out.
Yeah, straight sussin'.

- Straight what?
- Come on.

You guys don't
wanna join a tennis club.

Why?
'Cause it's not our scene?

You don't think we're
good enough to rub elbows

with you and the
Sheryl Pflimfs of the world?

Well, I say
we fit in here just fine.

Really? You fit in?

Alex, you've asked three people
if they have any Grey Poupon.

Sure. And, Max, you look like
John McEnroe's fat cousin,

John Mac-n-cheese.

Max, can you just get outta here
before you ruin this for us?

You get outta here before
you ruin this for us. Yeah.

Sorry.
Oh!

Sheryl was a real yapper.

The only thing she can't
Deputy Comptrol is her mouth.

Oh, uh-oh.
Women be talkin'.

Anywho, I'm sure you all
are probably itching

to try out the courts, huh?

Why don't you guys play doubles?

Um, I don't think so. Connie!
Brad, we can play doubles!

Yes! I don't think so.
I don't think so.

Sure. I'll go set up
a court for you.

You know... um...
Great.

Okay. Here's the deal.

If you guys win, we'll never
step foot in this place again,

but if we win,
then we get the choice

of joining up here. We
just might be club people.

Max, nobody solves things

through tennis matches anymore, bro.
It's not the '80s.

You scared, Arthur Ashe-y?

Oh.

Nobody calls me Ashy... Ever!

That is not just a slap
in my evenly moisturized face.

It's an insult to
my personal lotion consultant

and my creamist!

It's on!
Oh, it is on.

Oh, it is on.

Oh, it is on.

Welp...
No one would give me a kid,

and I asked everyone.

Hey! Allison.

Remember when you thought that baby
was mine for, like, five minutes?

Do you think I could borrow it
for, like, five minutes?

I couldn't get one either.

I got so many
"no's," I felt like Jason Giambi

in my Jason Giambi sex dream.

When did parents become
so attached to their kids?

If you love something,
set it free.

Or lend it to your
downstairs neighbor.

You're telling me

I can rent a salon-grade
hooded dryer chair,

but I can't rent a kid.

Wait, David. You may
just be on to something.

I know.
Why do in a stuffy salon

what you can do in the
comfort of your own home?

No. You can rent a kid.

My PR firm casts babies
in commercials all the time.

If I put out
a fake casting call,

I could get 50 crazy stage
moms and their kids

lined up in my office in ten minutes.
Really?

Never underestimate the lure
of building your child

a college fund which you can
then raid to buy an ATV

for your boyfriend Tico.

Sad but sad.

Told ya.
Good job.

This feels like
a real casting call.

Although I am concerned with the
waiting room food situation

or lack thereof.

Now I know we're butting up
against lunch,

but maybe you could get
a mezze plate going

with some grape leaves,
maybe some hummus.

What?
Dave, there is no time.

We just need to find
the worst mother here

and the most rotten,
miserable baby

and dump it on our parents.

Jackpot.

- Are you sure?
- They're perfect.

Just play along.

Hello. Penny Hartz, PR.

Dave Rose, PD.
Product design.

Amphibious footwear, mostly.

But that can all come later.
Okay, he's the client.

Now who is this precious child?

Oh, this is Eddie.
I'm so sorry.

He's a little tuckered out.

Tuckered out or not, we think little
Eddie's the right man for the part.

Really?

We just need to take him into
the next room for a screen test

if you don't mind hanging out
here in the waiting area.

I apologize ahead of time
for the lack of a mezze plate.

Okay. And we'll bring him back
in a couple hours. That be okay?

I can't believe he booked it.
I have to call his dad!

To ask permission. It's part
of our custody agreement.

Oh.
I'm sure it's fine.

I don't wanna bug him.
He's at his prom.

You hear that, baby?
You're a star.

We're stars.

♪ I'm moving in slow motion
Oh!

Oh.
Oh.

Uh!
♪ Feels so good

♪ It's a strange anticipation

Yeah!
Yes! Yeah!

♪ Knock, knock,
knocking on wood

Aah!
Uhh!

♪ Bodies working overtime

♪ It's man against man

Ow! Ow!
♪ And all that ever matters

♪ Is, baby,
who's ahead of the game

♪ Funny,
but it's always the same

♪ Playing, playing with
the boys

♪ I'll be staying, playing
with the boys Ohh!

Aah!
♪ With the boys

♪ After chasing sunsets

♪ Sunsets

♪ One of life's simple joys
is playing with the boys

I got it!

♪ Playing,
playing with the boys

♪ I'll be staying,
playing with the boys

♪ With the boys

♪ After chasing... ♪

We won!
We won your...

We...

...Destroyed you!

Whoopsie daisy.

You don't deserve this!
Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

- Honey...
- What?

What's up?

...Is how we would have
celebrated

if we didn't wanna belong
to this awesome club.

I don't know.
This plan is kinda crazy.

We're basically kidnapping
a baby.

I'm not sure I can go through with this.
Okay, yes, it is crazy,

but is it any crazier than our parents
adopting a baby at their age?

You're right. I guess the
juice is worth the squeeze.

Besides, we're gonna be
back in an hour.

What you should be
worrying about

is that we're meeting
our parents for lunch

in five minutes,
and fussy Eddie here

has suddenly decided to
turn into super sweet Eddie

who won't bum them out at all.

My God. You're right. He is being
super sweet.

Goo-goo, ga-ga!

I wish I had a little
brother just like you.

What? Oh, right, that's
the exact opposite

of what we're trying to do here.

Okay, so I guess we just need
to make it cry, right?

How do we do that?

Hey, hey.

What if I start crying?
That'll make it cry, right?

How are you gonna
make yourself cry?

What am I doing with my life?

My mom's in a better
relationship than I am.

And I'm wearing a perfume
by Shania Twain.

Wow, that was fast.
It's all cued up.

You just sorta
have to press "play."

Damn it.
It's not working.

What if I insult it?

Uh... Hey, baby. Way to get
all your meals from a boob,

you tiny moron.

He doesn't understand words.

You're gonna have to use
a harsher tone.

Remember my face.

Oh, you probably can't,

because you don't have
object permanence,

you bald bitch!
Ha ha! Aah! Aah! Aah!

What the hell is going on?

Good question, Trish.
Smart.

I was just speaking to little
Eddie in a demon voice

to see how he'd react to the hustle
and bustle of a commercial shoot.

And I was crying because little Eddie's
performance moved me to tears.

Wait. What are you doing down
here in the first place?

What are you doing down here
in the first place, Trish?

There was no food in the waiting
room, and I got hungry.

Told ya.

Seriously, were you taking
my baby someplace?

What? No.
That's crazy.

Hey, y'all!
Ready to split?

Cab's waiting outside.
Oh.

Oh. Is this the little
surprise you told us about?

What a perfect little baby.

Maybe we should
just steal this one, am I right,

or am I right?

You are coming home with me.

I'm calling the cops.

Trish.

So you and Dave

kidnapped this woman's baby.

Small Dave, is this true?

It depends
how you define "true."

If you mean the thing
that happened, then yes.

This is beyond unacceptable.

Why in the world would you
do something like this?

Um, to prove how irresponsible

you and big Dave are being,

and I hope you learned
your lesson and stuff.

FYI... you don't
teach us lessons.

We teach you lessons.

I don't care who is
teaching what to who.

It doesn't change the fact
that I'm calling the cops.

All right, ma'am, if I may,

I think I know
what's happening here.

My girlfriend and I
wanted to adopt a child.

Let me back up.
I am his father,

and I've been dating
this young lady's mother.

Let me back up again.
The year was 1980.

I was a sexually active
young buck

with some notions
about birth control

that were dead wrong.
Hey.

Okay, I think what
he's trying to say

is that we're adopting a baby,

and our older children
are freaking.

Okay, that I get.

You know when I had Eddie here,

my 8-year-old totally acted out.

Clearly, this one gets it.

So, mama grizzly
to mama grizzly,

what do you say we give
these cubs a pass, huh?

I mean, they're just kids.

Um... They're
easily 30, so no.

- 31.
- All right.

Well, I'm gonna have to
handle this like a dad.

Here we go.
Say when, Trish.

I am saving for an ATV, so...

New or used?

New.
Yeah.

Put it in my purse.

E-mail me the receipt.

So...

I guess you guys didn't
get into the club.

No, we didn't. It's my fault. I know.
I'm sorry. It's just...

I got all paranoid that
you guys would move on

and start doing rich stuff,

and I'd never see you guys again

'cause you'd be going all
Eyes Wide Shut parties

and hunting people for sport
with Tommy Hilfiger

or whatever rich people
supposedly do.

Max, it's not about
rich stuff, all right?

It's not even about tennis.

It's about Jane and I having
something to do just for us.

Look, we love hanging out
with you guys,

but we need some couple time
to ourselves, too.

Well, why didn't you
just say that?

We didn't wanna hurt
your feelings,

and you sort of freak out
whenever anyone tries

to do something without you.
No, I don't.

Uh, remember when Dave
had appendicitis?

And you punched yourself in the
stomach so you could get it, too,

but all you got
was red diarrhea?

Point taken.
Advantage... you guys.

Look, seriously,
I'm sorry, for real.

I'm sorry, too.

Thanks.

Let's just go, though.

You're not going anywhere.

I've got the perfect plan

to get you back into this club.

I don't think it's necessary.

What? What is he up to?
I think...

I don't know. He's got some pep
in his step. I don't know.

Yes, he seemed very excited.
He's gonna turn it around.

I think he is.
No, no, let's not...

I don't think we need
to go that far with it.

It didn't work! It didn't work!
It didn't work!

It didn't work!

What exactly was his plan?

It didn't work! Aah!

So, listen, Dave and I
are so sorry

we acted like idiots
and freaked out

about you guys adopting.

And honestly, it's unorthodox,

but if anyone can make
it work, it's you guys.

You'll be great parents
because you are great parents.

The best. That's mighty
sweet of you kids to say,

but, um, there is no way in hell

we're adopting a kid now.
No!

Not on my watch. Whoo!
Dodged a bullet on that one.

Right, Papa?

- Yes, sir.
- Wow.

So seeing little Eddie
in the lobby

actually reminded you guys
how hard it is to raise kids.

No, actually seeing you two
in the lobby

trying to steal little Eddie

reminded us how hard
it is to have kids.

Yeah, and clearly

we are not finished raising
you two dumbasses.

Yeah.

I think what big David
and I are really trying to say

is that you two will always
be our babies.

Aw!
Aw!

Then brush my hair and make me
chocolate chip penny-cakes.

And tickle my back
until I coo and coo.

Brush the hair of a beautiful,
beautiful princess.

Tickle your tummy, huh?