Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 13 - Our Best Friend's Wedding - full transcript

This is a great
engagement party,

but I get the "P" -shaped
sandwiches for Penny and Pete,

but what is with
the lowercase "B's"?

Uh...
Uh, yeah.

Anyways, I can't believe
that Penny is late

for her own engagement party.

I can't believe Penny sent
out a "Save A Date" card

and asked us to hold every
month but February.

I can't believe anyone voluntarily
decided to marry Penny.

I mean...

She's a disaster of a human woman.
Am I right?



Okay, you guys are all consistently
misleading me with fake pile-ons.

Hi! I am so sorry
I'm late.

I got super caught up
doing wedding stuff.

Hello, Steve-who-couldn't-commit
to-a-serious-relationship.

Check out this rock.

And, no, ya can't smoke it.

I never asked...
How was rehab?

So you're here now.

Let's get started
on the presents.

Oh! Ooh,
Penny, let me go first.

Let me go first.

I got you...

Oh!

A blender.
Nay, a blendaddy.



Weird.
This thing whisks.

This thing grinds.
This thing mixes.

Throw a lobster in here,
make a bisque.

Frappe up your milk
for a 'puccino.

Max, are you selling those?

Actually, we're all
selling these.

We each have to push 15 units
and then give me the money,

or I am in a very bad way
with some very bad people.

Greek orthodox.

Thank you for that.

And this...

Is from me.
Aw!

Hey-o!

Ah! I'm gonna be your
wedding planner.

I'm gonna be your
wedding planner.

I'm gonna be your
wedding planner.

I love it. Thank you.

Why work with an impersonal
professional wedding planner?

You need someone who knows
you, who loves you,

and would rather burn your
wedding to the ground

than see anyone else plan it.

You did have the best
wedding I've ever been to.

Hello!
Standing right here!

I think our wedding was,
uh, pretty spectacular.

Yeah.
The only thing missing

was a bride who stayed for the
duration of the ceremony.

Hey-o!
Ooh!

Ooh!

Come on. What? He's
got the hot hand.

I am so excited to get started.

You are gonna have
the best wedding ever.

Pete, are you excited?

Pete?
Peter?

Pete-est?
Baby?

Oh, crap! Damn it!
I forgot to invite Pete!

What?

What am I gonna do?

So this is all...

Surprise engagement party!

What? No!

What?

What?

What? No!

Oh, my God! No.

Mmm. Are you sure
we're not super late?

It looks like this party has
been going on for a while.

No. No, these are not
deflated balloons.

They are just simply
fioating at half-mast

in honor of all your
fallen former lovers.

Hmm.

And behold!

This beautiful sleeping nymph

symbolizes our love.

Wake up, you tiny whore.

Huh?
She really is small

and tuckered out from
all her whoring.

Yet she has
a heart of gold. So...

So...
Hmm.

What more can be said but "so"?

What a party, huh?
Penny, what's going on?

You are not even gonna believe...
Tell the truth.

My computer totally crashed...
Not a half-truth.

It's sort of a funny story...
Or a quarter-truth.

All right.

Look, I, I've been super
busy since we got engaged,

and I forgot to put your
e-mail on the invite list.

I made it a Peteless post.

Penny...

Penny?
I'm sorry.

From here on out, we will make
every single decision together...

Except for the location
and the band,

which I already booked.
Chicago and Chicago!

They owe me.

I saved the drummer from
choking on a hushpuppy once

at the state fair.

Took him a while to recover,

but he's feelin' stronger
every day.

Hey-o! Hot hand
transfer alert!

I'll take it.
Yes.

Yeah.
So are we good?

The thing is,
I always wanted to, uh...

Elope.

What?
No!

Uh, what?
I'm... I'm cool with that.

I mean,
it's a little unorthodox.

But if you wanna serve
antelope at the wedding,

I say I'm game for game.

No, I said "elope."

Oh, cantaloupe. It's
refreshing but not an entree.

Elope.

Got it. Goin' down.

Ah!
Ay!

So...

Penny took that hardwood floor
to the head like a boss, huh?

Pete was joking before, right?
We will have a wedding, right?

I was promised a wedding.

Oh, no.
Here comes Bride Kong.

Frankenbride. Creature
from the Bride Lagoon.

You're looking for Bridezilla.

That is good!
Yeah.

Dave was a total Bridezilla
planning our wedding.

No, I was just passionate.

Would you call Jonas
Salk "Poliozilla"? Hmm?

Or George Clooney "Darfurzilla"?

Or the founder of
the real estate site Zillow,

"Zillowzilla"?
Not good examples.

I was not a Bridezilla,
all right.

And even if I was, I would
be called a Groomzilla.

"Groomzilla" is not a word

because it never needed
to exist before.

Oh, okay, so now I'm the bad
guy 'cause I wanted to have

an elegant
Timberlake/Btei-style wedding,

while you wanted to
walk down the aisle

carrying a bouquet of fireworks.

Look, man, I was just trying
to put asses in the seats.

You wanted to have a baby animal
petting zoo at the reception.

It's better than your idea...
Having a band?

Look, all I'm saying is,
I wish you would've

let me have more say
at our wedding.

The caricaturist was your idea.

I still don't get why you had
this place hang yours up.

It's called owning it, dude.

Uh-oh.
Mmm.

Hey, you guys.

Ugh. Pete still
wants to elope?

Apparently, Pete's dumb
brother and his dumb fiancee

got so caught up
in wedding details

that they lost sight
of what's important.

So Pete wants to get
married on a beach... Oh!

Just the two of us...

With only the sounds of waves
crashing and our hearts beating.

- Monster. He's a monster.
- Mmm.

No, Pete wants a wedding.
He just doesn't know it yet.

There is a Valentine's
Day weekend wedding expo

downtown today.

Okay, we're gonna
take Pete there,

and I'm gonna change his mind,

or they don't call me
"bitch" behind my back.

She knows.
I know.

This expo is
going to blow Pete's mind.

There is free food, free
drinks, free giveaways.

Giveaways?
Oh, I'm in!

Let's all go! I was already
planning on going.

What? Wait. Is this gonna be
a classic group gang hang?

Yeah!

Oh.

Sorry. Uh...

Okeydokey, Lee la-coke-ies.

Now the individual tickets don't
get you all the free stuff,

so I had to get you
couples passes, all right?

Ooh.
Dave...

And Alex.

Ugh. Why do I have to
be couples with Dave?

Because you are
couples with Dave.

But it's gonna be a nightmare

being with Bridezilla
for this thing.

No. Today,
I am... Chillzilla.

You know what, Al, why don't
you take me in there?

You show me your idea
of a perfect wedding.

I'm sure I'll love it.
Okay?

- You guys owe me...
- Big-time.

How do we owe you? That's
your boyfriend you chose.

You're dating him. You guys
live in the same house.

Okay.

- Max and Brad.
- Oh!

Um... Wait. Why aren't I
couples with you?

Oh, because I got this special
VIP wedding planner pass,

and that turns me on sexually
in a way no man ever could.

Pardon?

I mean, I have to help Penny
convince Pete to have a wedding.

Come on, boo.

It's not like you never thought
about it, Harvey chocolate Milk.

I never thought about it.

Okay, backstory.

You've pined after me for years.

My only previous
interracial relationship

was with a Basque, but it ended
because for a separatist,

he was quite clingy.

Wait. You really got
Pete to come?

Of course, because he loves...

Reggae.
Reggae.

Looks like this reggae fest
is a wedding expo.

You lied to him?
Okay, I did not know

he was gonna come in like
he just shot the sheriff.

Not bad, right?
Yes.

Pete, before you decide to elope...
Mmm.

Why don't you let Penny and I show
you what your wedding could be?

No pressure.
It's totally your call.

I don't want you to feel
like you have to...

Wear that Rasta beret
one more minute.

Well, obviously, it means
a lot to you both, so...

Let's expo.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you!
Thank you! Yeah!

You're welcome.
And I swear,

we will go to reggae fest
just as soon as this is over.

Yah, we be jammin', mon.

There be no reggae fest, Pete.

It's spectacular.

Yeah. It's amazing.

So classic.
So unforgettable.

I mean, that's the kind of thing
that makes an entire wedding.

Oh, undoubtedly.

That is one magnificent
shan-dell-yay...

Or, as the unwashed masses
call it, chandelier.

No, no, I meant that.

Bouncy house.

The bride and the groom can
have their first bounce in it.

So, Dave,
what do ya think? Huh?

Would you be cool with having
a bouncy house at a wedding?

No, I would not.

I knew it.
I would, however,

be cool with having two
bouncy houses at a wedding...

One for the bride's family,
one for the groom's family.

That way, there's twice the amount
of bounce floors to tear up.

Chillzilla!

That future baby booth
was a sham, bro.

There's no way our kids
would look like this.

It looks like black chunk.

It looks like the third Gumbel brother...
Yitzak Gumbel.

Ha!

Whoa, Max. Check out gay
town over there. Oh.

Very nice, Brad.
Why is it gay town?

'Cause it's two handsome,
well-dressed, in-shape guys?

You've heard of
colorblindness, right?

Well, I wish you had
sexual blindness.

Actually, no, I don't.

That is a real disease.
I did a run-walk for it.

I mostly walked, but, you
know, my presence was felt.

Max.

Oh! It is gay town.

Yeah. It's a classic Max
knee-jerk reaction,

followed by a classic Max
false apology.

Brad...
I am so sorry.

Forgiven.

Let's go to gay town!

Hey, Jane?
Yeah, Penny?

Did you hear the news?
What news?

Pete doesn't like weddings.
What?

Well, I didn't like Korean
spas till I learned the phrase

"I don't want to bleed today"
in Korean, and now I love 'em!

Prepare to be dazzled by
all the wedding possibilities.

Like what kind of cake
do you want?

Vanilla? Ugh. Chocolate?
Shut up. Red velvet?

That's just chocolate with
food coloring, ya dumb moron.

Why have one of those
when you could have...

A chicken wing cake?

Or a bleu cheese fountain?

Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Yum! Yum! Mmm!

That is latex paint
and it is for display only.

Excuse me.

And no wedding would be complete

without music.

Mmm, that's my cue.
Mmm-hmm.

String quartet? A DJ?

Red red wine-not have
a reggae band?

I know you love reggae.
I learned that today.

I do love reggae
and I do love chicken wings.

Then you are gonna love
dinner, 'cause it's neither.

Hey, Pen?
What, Jane?

What's for dinner?

Ooh, that's a good question.
Thought you'd never ask.

Steak? Pasta?

How about sushi?

And how about it served
by a pretty lady?

No, ya dope! Let's serve
it on a pretty lady.

Ooh!
Oh, ho!

Maybe I've been a little
too hard on weddings.

I think she's a
little too pretty. No offense.

I mean, you wouldn't want
you at your wedding, right?

I actually eloped.
Weddings are kinda crazy.

And that's enough out of
you, ya human platter.

Big finish!

And that's...

The end.

Okay, Dave,
you're gonna love this.

Ta-da!

An underwater wedding.

You always said you look
great in a one-piece.

I just don't understand why they're
not acceptable for men anymore.

Uh-huh. But a scuba
wedding would be...

Delightful, Alex.

Really?
I love it.

All right, Dave, you win.

Even I think
this is a stupid idea.

But I gotta hand it to you.
You are being very chill.

Let's go get a char-dog.

Chillzilla.

Beige napkins.

This is the exact shade I wanted
for our wedding.

What?
Beige napkins are pretty.

Yeah, they're great.
They're great.

You know, you could even put
them at every place setting,

folded in the shape
of a middle finger,

because that is the message
you are sending to your guests

with beige napkins,

because beige has
no place at a wedding!

Dave.

Out of the way, yuppie!

There it is.

Check out all this free stuff.

How you feelin' gay town now, boo?
Lovin' it.

Lovin' you.
Lovin' us.

And this is my favorite
line of bath products.

You guys are totally
an adorable couple.

You are so cute.

You're like Paul Giamatti
and Tyson Beckford.

Oh, yeah!
Right?

But wait. He doesn't
look like Paul Gia...

Oh.

So, um, we would like some
things for our welcome bags

for our 300-plus guests,

who are all tastemakers
and online reviewers

and style icons, etcetera, etcetera.

Right, hon-bun?
Mmm! Hmm? Mmm-hmm.

Elton and David would just
eat these soap balls up.

Elton...

John? Okay.
John? Okay.

And by the scent of these, you
know who else would love them?

Barney Frank.
Frank.

Barney Frank.

People don't think so,

but Barney Frank is way into
the way his body smells.

Okay, you know what? Since
you guys are such lovebirds,

you can take
whatever you'd like.

Yay!

- Ahem.
- Yeah.

- I mean...
- Yay!

Okay. Okay.

Okay, I'll just take two bags.

Okay, you gotta break
up with me. I just got a turnaround.

What's a turnaround?

When two gay guys
walk past each other,

if they turnaround, it's on.

Oh.
You just got that?

Yes! I just got a turnaround,
so I don't need a you-around.

I am not breaking up with you.

This is a gold mine, man.

What are you talking about?

We haven't even redeemed
our couple's coupon

for that awesome
nail salon booth

run by Tom Petty's cousin
Manuel...

Manny Petty's mani-pedis.

Okay. Fine.

Brad!

You're breaking up with me?
What?

And so close to
St. Valentine's Day?

What was that?

You don't want to get
married to me?

It's just a piece of paper?

It's about civil rights, sir!

Which you would know
nothing about!

I'm out of here!

Can I get th...
Just... just get out of here.

Then your guests write
their hopes for you

inside the lantern...

Which floats up into the air,

lighting the sky with
all their loving wishes.

Aw!

Right, Pete?

- Yeah, that is pretty...
- Aw!

Aw!
Aw!

I knew you would
come around, Pete.

Oh! And...

You can have your entire
wedding video a-ha'd.

Huh?

A-ha!

Ooh! I love that.

♪ Take on me

♪ As your wedding planner

♪ Take me on

♪ Just have a wedding, Pete ♪

She's changing the words!
It's so good.

Excuse me.

Are you guys all alone
in this big wedding expo?

Oh, well...

Marcy Grace.
The wedding planner.

The movie was based on me.

Get out.

Yes.

Mmm, back off, poacher.
They're spoken for.

Jane Kerkovich.

Never heard of you.

Or heard of a movie about you.

Must be an amateur.

Trust me. You guys are
gonna wanna go with a pro.

Uh-oh. Might wanna add
"-stitute" to that.

As in, uh, "Pro-stitute."

So now it's pronounced
pro-stitute?

I don't know.
Maybe it is.

Let's ask the crowd, huh?

What?

Nobody? All right.

I'll take this.
No, no.

Guys? Ladies!

Give it to me!
No!

- Jane! Jane!
- Jane.

Jane!

You're gonna need
a funeral planner!

Not if you're dead first!

So you wanna get a big pretzel?

Penny, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

Weddings make people go crazy.

Hey!
Watch the sweater, chiklis!

No, weddings aren't crazy.
Just Jane is crazy.

If having the taste to know
that beige napkins are hideous

makes me a Bridezilla,
then roar!

It's not about taste, okay?

You're selfish,
just like at our wedding.

It's always about what you want.

Aw, come on!

Once again, left at the altar.

Penny...

We don't need
all this other stuff.

All we need is this,

and just you and me.

Isn't that enough?

Mmm... Mmm...

I just...

It's that...

I guess not.

Oh.

Pete...

Sorry. Can't do it.
Couples only.

Don't be petty, Manny Petty.

Give me a mani.

Pedi?

Whoa!

You should've about
that couples coupon

before you dumped your
fiance at a wedding expo.

How could you do that to him?

Oh. No. guys,
you don't understand...

And marriage is just
a piece of paper?

After all that we've fought for?

You need to stand by
your man, coward.

Ah. Thank you much.

Lots to chew on, guys.

I'm gonna go, uh, think that over.
I'm gonna...

Hey-o!

Take him back, or we're
gonna pound your ass.

Wait. Uh...

So you're gonna
kick my ass or...

We're gonna kick your ass. Yes.

Okay.
Thank God!

Ooh!

Wait. That's not good either.

Hey, Penny, I'm just
leaving you a message

since they won't let me back in.

You lightly bite
one security guard

and they act like
you're a criminal.

Anyway, I'm sorry that
I left you hanging like that. I...

Huh. Wait a minute.

I just had an idea.

Ah! Uh!

I really want a wedding.
I always have.

And as I got older, I started
to think that might not happen.

And I think some other
people thought that, too.

No...
Almost everybody.

Oh.

I, I'm making it out
of singledom,

and I want witnesses to that.

If a Penny gets married in a
forest, does anyone hear it?

I know how you feel, Pen.

I put so much into the
planning of my wedding.

I obsessed over everything,

from the major decisions
down to the smallest detail...

A security company made up
entirely of little people.

They were very strong.

So I had the wedding that
every little boy dreams of,

but Alex didn't want it.

And at the end of the day,

she was the only thing
that should've mattered.

Hmm.

The wedding that
every little boy dreams of?

Just let me have this.

Ricky Jay was my
personal magic coach,

which is a pretty big deal
in the Ricky Jay community.

Hey, sweet and sour sauce.

What are you doing? Get out of here.
It's not a good time.

No!

I will not get out of here, sir.

I'm here to take back
what I said

about marriage just being
a piece of paper.

And... I wanna marry you

because we're gay
homosexuals together.

Can someone tell me
what is happening?

I love you and all your parts.

They're so good.

Mmm. Like your butt.
I love your butt.

I love resting my head
on your butt.

Is that what you think
gay guys do?

We just rest our head
on each other's butts?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah. Whatever. Can you
skedaddle, please?

'Cause me and this hot
guy are about to...

He's gone. Thank you. Perfect.

Now hurry up and take me back

before these huge guys pound me.

Trust me, they are D.T.F.

Down to fight.

Fine.

Of course I take you back, Brad,

because we are gay
homosexuals who are in love

- and will be married.
- Yay!

Oh!
Let's go.

Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Nah, it's not like that.
Ah, no, we don't...

We don't even...
No, I mean...

We're more of
a behind-closed-doors type...

We don't need to prove anything.
We're not...

We don't like P.D.A.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

- Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- You can do it!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Oh!

Ah!
Run!

I felt it!
I felt your whiskers!

I'll get married in a forest.

What?

I'll elope if you want.

We can go down to the
courthouse right now. Well...

Well, not the one on Belmont
or the one on Michigan Ave,

'cause I went through
a bailiff phase.

But...

All that matters is me and you.

Pen, I just want you
to be happy.

I just want me to be happy, too!

Then let's have a wedding.

Really?

The fact that you would even
consider eloping is enough for me.

Aw!
Come here.

Hey, Al.

I found some more
wedding stuff that I like.

What, a super boring eggshell
white Vera Wang aisle runner?

No. I mean, I'd die...
But no.

How about this?

For the baby animal
petting zoo I wanted!

And he's in a beige napkin.

Well, it's more like a diaper.

Look, you were right.
I was a Bridezilla.

And, you know,

if we ever decide
to get married...

Uh, to... to the idea of,
uh, throwing a formal party...

Right. Like... like a black
tie Super Bowl party or...

Yeah.
A wedding.

Damn it!

I wanna try to say anything but
that, but it was in my head.

Well, whatever we decide to
do, we'll be in it together.

So Happy Valentine's Day, Alex.

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?
I'm cool.

Just got my bell rung.

Well... You know
what they say.

It's not a good gang hang until someone
takes a major shot to the face.

We should check on your sister.
Yeah, let's go look.

♪ Take on me

♪ Take on me

♪ Take me on

♪ Take on me

♪ I'll be gone

♪ In a day or two ♪