Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Marry Prankster - full transcript

Okay, does everybody know
what they're supposed to do?

Hell, no. Okay, sixth
time's the charm.

Alex, I bought Max
a lotto ticket

with last week's
winning numbers.

Right. I also DVR'd last
week's numbers announcement.

Following. So when we
play Max the clip,

he'll think he won and flip out.

It's the perfect prank.
You got it?

Yeah. Sure, buddy,
I got it.

Max is gonna win the lottery last week.
Pass it on.

Are you sure Max isn't gonna freak out?
This sounds a little mean.



Aw! Isn't he adorable?

You're my little... And
this is a working nickname,

sweet hunk-a-Pete-meat.
Yay.

Ugh. We get it.
Ya like each other.

Pete, you son of a bitch, you're
as innocent as you are stunning.

Max deserves this.
He pranks us all the time.

He got me just yesterday.

Here you go, bud.

This fiier said you got
a "gun 4 subs" campaign, pimp.

Hook a homie up with one of
them frozen fudge sticks.

But we don't have ice cream.

If you're looking for a way
to unload that heat,

I got a guy. No questions.

'Tis true.
Max hath scammed us all.



Remember when he buttered
my yoga mat?

And my welcome mat?
And my neighbor Matt?

Or when he hacked
my ancestry account

and convinced me that I was
the third Williams sister.

Mmm-hmm. Or when he
decimated our 401.

Oh, that's him!
Places, people! Places!

Energy! Energy!

Owning an unlicensed
limousine sucks.

I'm losing fares 'cause I got
a giant hole in the floor.

It's like The Flintstones.

But do not try to put your
feet through and run.

It will rip
most of the skin off.

Don't sweat it. I know what'll
make your day better.

I bought us all Illinois
Millions lotto tickets.

We're about to watch
the results on TV.

Why don't we just check
the results online, Grandpa?

Good point, Max.
Let's do that.

Never mind. This way is
more fun.

And now, tonight's
winning numbers are...

Twenty-four.
Yeah, I'm out.

Ten.
Daddy's done.

Mmm-hmm.
Thirty-five.

Twenty-seven. Fifty-three.

Oh, my God. And the
final Illinois Millions

jackpot number is...

One.

Oh, my God.
What?

What's up, Max?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Huh? What are you
so excited about?

I won.
What?

I won!

No way!
No!

I'm rich!

Whoo!
I'm no longer the poor one!

I'm not sharing this
with any of you!

You're all dead to me!

Get your poor hands off me!

I am out of here!

Max, stop!

You didn't win.

What?

We pranked you. Those
were last week's numbers.

Funny bit though, right?

Funny bit.

Hi, buddy.
Surprise.

You were so passionate.

Read my lips.

I am going to get revenge

on every last one of you.

And no one will be able
to escape the wrath

- of Max Broom.
- What?

Damn it. Max Blum.

How'd I mess up my own name?

It's your
fault, and now I'm embarrassed,

and I will revenge on
all of you even harder!

Did we mess up?

And that is why I keep
two separate journals,

one for waking Dave
and one for dreaming Dave.

You see, REM sleep...

Max, don't hurt me! Ow! Ow! What did I
tell you about screaming like that?

I know. Do it underwater.

I'm sorry, Pen,
but Pete was right.

Our prank was too mean.

Max is gonna get us,
and I'm flipping out.

You should be flippin' out.
That's right.

Max put stripper glitter
in my two favorite things,

my lotions and my creams.

That's why we're late. We figured, why
not take advantage of the situation?

Bring the guns out.
Bring the guns out.

Actually, I'm glad
my prank's out of the way,

because someone's gonna
clean themself up

and go on some job interviews.

Yep. My sabbradical
is officially over

and I'm ready to jump back into
the world of high finance.

Call me Melanie Griffith, 'cause
I'm gonna be working, girl.

Awesome!
Yay!

Love that movie.

Brad, I hope you get this job

because we need to have a distraction
from Max's revenge spree.

Well, this little piggy,
for one, is not worried

because I am gonna stay
one step ahead of him.

Are you not eating that?
Nope.

Don't mind if I do.

No!

Two down, three to go.

The wrath of Mark Blum conti...

Damn it. Max Blum.

Why can't I get my name right?

And that is why
my addiction to working late

is a strength, not a weakness.

So, do I fill out my W-2
now or five minutes ago?

Good-looking family you got there.
Handsome son.

That's my daughter, Stephanie.

Well, she sure knows her way
around a chainsaw.

Lovely wife, by the way.
That's my brother.

Dog?
Baby.

Did I mention I'm black?

Several times.

Affirmative...

Action?

Darn it!

Why don't you let me do that?
You're shaking like

the gals that used to watch
me at swim practice.

That's a lie. Are you all right?
No!

I haven't slept a wink!

I've picked up
and quit smoking four times,

and I'm drinking way too much
Rockstar for someone my height.

Yum alert! What is that?

Oh, it's from the landlord.

"Happy Muffin Month."
He remembered.

That is so sweet.
You know, my landlord...

Wait! Wait! Do not touch
those muffins!

Max, you tricky son of a bitch!

What?
No.

Oh, my God!
I should've known!

Muffin Month isn't until May.

And it isn't real!

Foiled again, Maximilian.

What a sicko!

You guys realize that we are
just prawns in his game?

Little shrimp swimming around,

waiting to be eaten by a big
shark named Max!

Wait. Some of the muffins
still look good.

Okay! No! No!

No!

Hey.

I'm feelin' low.

Real low.

Aw. What happened, boo?

All my interviews today were
ding dong dang disasters.

I've been out of the game
too long. I'm rusty.

Oh. It couldn't have
been that bad.

Yeah, well, I mistook the
first guy's baby for a dog.

Okay.

Other Highlights: I forcibly
tried on a guy's shoe,

showed a lady my stomach,
and then peed on a guy.

Granted, it was at the urinal
after the interview,

but still, It was penis water.

You tinkled on his tennies?
Mmm-hmm.

Doesn't sound like you.
I know.

And those were the only
open finance gigs in town.

I blew it.

Who am I?

You are big, bad I'Brad.

You just need
to expand your horizons.

A guy with your financial
background could have any job.

Consulting firm,
CFO of a start-up.

The sky's the limit.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah,
you're gonna get a job.

Mmm.

What, like right now?
No. Not that kind of job.

Damn it!

Okay, Max.
Here you go.

Great prank! What are you
doing, you tiny psycho?

I'm pranking myself so I don't
have to wait for you to do it.

I can't handle living in fear.

Are we even now? Huh?

No, we're not even.

And when it comes,
my revenge will be served

like the tennis serve
of a seventh grade girl,

slow, out-of-bounds,

and I will pull balls
out of my skirt.

Wait!

Listen!
Listen, you devil!

How about this?

If you promise not to prank me,

I will help you prank
everybody else.

Hmm.
Come on.

I guess I could
use an adorable idiot like you.

I knew you would see my value.

What did I do?

♪ Who's got a job?
Bob's got a job!

♪ "Bob" rhymes with "job"
much better than "Brad"

♪ So I switched the name
but you know what I mean

♪ I got a job, job
A j-o-b ♪

Yay! Oh, tell me
all the details.

Wait, I just got excited.

Let's have sex first.
Okay.

No, tell me all the details.
Okay.

Sex. Details.

Sex. Start talking.

Okay. Well, I took your
advice and I expanded my horizons,

and I got a CFO job!

Introducing Brad Williams,
our new CFO,

Chief Fun Officer!

Here we go!

Right, right, right.
You're working at a kids' gym.

That is hilarious.

Big news over here.

Quit my job
at the car dealership

and I'm now working
as a space caterer.

Would you
like another star cake,

Ambassador Zorp Zorp?

Take your pants off.

What? No.

Jane, I'm not joking.

I got a job at Chuckles & Huggs.

Oh. Okay. I see
what's happening here.

You bombed a few interviews,
you freaked,

and you took the first thing
that came along.

Classic Brad panic move,
just like when 9/11 happened

and you full-on supported
the war in Iraq.

We were lied to!
Mmm.

And this isn't a panic move, Jane.
I like this job.

Brad, you have an MBA.

There's no way you like
working at Fartles & James.

That's not the name. So
here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna call 'em up
and you're gonna tell them

you made a mistake,
and then you're gonna go out

and get a job
that you really want.

I did, like I told you.

♪ Who's got some work?
Dirk's got some work!

♪ Who's got a profession?

♪ Stetson's got
a profession! ♪

In this scenario,
Dirk and Stetson are both me.

Still makes no sense.

So Brad got a job.
That's great.

Great? Really? What else is great?
Syphilis? Men with bangs?

Waking up with a dead dog
in your damn bed?

If I had known that dog was
gonna climb in bed with me,

I never would've had
so much chocolate in there.

Um, Penny?

Why would my housekeeper
drag dying flowers across my floor?

What the hell is that?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!
Is that an engagement ring?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Where's Pete?

Oh, my God! That's why he was
gonna bring me here after dinner!

Oh, my God!
I have to call my mom!

She's is going to die!

Oh, my God.

Max.

Oh! Hi, big boy.

Long day? Mama can tell.

Come sit on this here couch,

and mama'll make your
achy calves feel all better,

on the couch.

Wink, wink, mama's me.

You're working with Max,
aren't you?

What? No!

Okay, well, if you're not
working with Max,

why don't you sit on the couch?

Fine.

Don't know why you're
being so weird.

Love couch sitting.

Ow! My tiny leg!
Oh, are you okay?

Yeah. I think so.

What was your end game?
You knew the couch was rigged.

I don't know. This prank
thing is making me crazy!

Al, look at yourself.
This is getting ridiculous.

You don't have to join Max.

We can prank him,
beat him at his own game.

We'll give him a shot
at pre-vengeance,

with a dose of pre-taliation,

and finish him off with
a load of pre-comeuppance.

I'm in. It's about time
someone got him back

for that airbag
in the couch prank!

Oh, pretty bird...

I think we need
a new coffee table.

Excellent pranking,
Corporal Max.

Thank you, Sergeant.

No, thank you, Max.

No, thank you.

Oh, Max!

Oh, my God.
Are you having a breakdown?

Let me get my camera. No,
I'm not having a breakdown.

I'm just trying on
wedding dresses

'cause I'm totally engaged
with a real engagement.

Oh, my God!
That's incredible!

Yeah, it is incredible.

I am so happy for you guys.

Please, tell me everything! How did
he do it? Let me see the ring.

You go, girl.

Don't tell anyone I said that.

But real talk, you go, girl!

Wait. This is not what
I pictured for you,

but it's great.
Wait. What is happening?

No, I came over here to make you
feel bad about your awful prank.

Oh. You got slimed.
Pretty genius.

And the rose petals
and the champagne

and the ring?
How dare you?

What are you talking about?
All I did was the slime.

Oh.

The engagement is real?

You are engaged for real.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

I have to call my mom
for real now!

Oh, yay! ♪ Penny gettin' married
Penny gettin' married ♪

That was supposed
to be for David.

This dress is a rental.

Green looks good on you.

Uh, ma'am, do you
have a child here?

We don't normally allow lone
adults to leer at the children.

Oh, I have a child in there,
a big child,

African-American,

made a rash decision
he doesn't realize

he's going to regret.
Ah, you mean Andre?

He has a rash, which is why
he can't go in the ball pit.

No. I'm talking about
my husband Brad.

Ah.

Oh, there he is.
Look at him.

Pretending like he's
having the time of his life.

Focus!

What kind of rank idiot throws
away a diamond ring anyway?

I thought it was garbage
from your stupid prank,

but now I know it's
from Pete, I love it!

Wait.
Where is Pete?

That's a funny, charming story.

I, um, might've pranked Pete.

Help!

I'm glued to the toilet!

But Pete had nothing
to do with this!

Pen, I live by mafia rules.

You, your family,
anybody in the room,

y'all gotta pay.
That's how I roll.

Keep looking.

Bye, Dylan.
Bye, Sophia,

girl Dylan, Madison, Madison,
Addison... Jane?

What are you doing here? I thought
you didn't like Fartles & James.

Listen, I get it.

You really like this job.

I saw you having fun.

It's what you want right now.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry I always act like
I know what's best for you.

I'm really just trying to help.

I know. It's okay.

I love you.
I love you.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Whoa!

It's kind of sexy.

Perks of working here,
my dear. Boop!

Hey, Brad, while you're in there,
do you mind cleaning up a bit?

Here's the diaper fork.

For now. I work here for now.
Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I
wanna be out of this so bad.

Oh! Diaper!
No!

Oh, you know what?
You might not wanna see this

if you ever wanna have sex
with Pete in the future.

Copy that.
Pete!

You know, I've always been
secretly turned on

by a pint-sized girl
with a limp.

When Kerri Strug
stuck that landing,

I stuck myself in my bedroom
for quite some time.

Right on. Yes! I told you Max
would be here. Payback time.

Perfect! Pranking Max
outside of Pete's

will give us a real
element of surprise.

I could not have done
this without you.

Thank you.
I have my smart moments.

I'm not as dumb as I am.
All right.

Keep an eye out
while I go rig the limo.

All right, I got it.
Go, go.

This'll burn a little, but
it'll free your cheeks, bro.

Also, it's gonna burn a lot.

Can I come in? Every second that
we waste is a second I can't say,

"You know my fiance."

He gon'
need a minute. Roger that.

Come on! Git!

Okay. Now we just lay low
and play it cool.

Hey, little weirdoes. Oh, goodie!
You guys are here.

Did we miss it?
No.

You're about to witness
some real genius,

specifically the popcorn prank
from Real Genius.

It doesn't take a real genius to know
that is a prank I am not familiar with.

Now, I snuck into Max's limo
and rigged 12 hot plates

and a ton of popcorn bags
to the ignition.

When he starts the engine, the limo
will fill with delicious popcorn

and we will laugh and laugh...

Max is in there!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

My sweet, sweet Max!

Oh, my God!
What happened?

I killed my friend!

His life was his art,
and I killed him!

I Miss him already!
I Miss my dead gay friend!

Yeah, you do.
Huh?

I got you!

You should've seen your
face, crying over my dumb memory!

I'm never letting go
of this thick, biscuity torso.

Max, you are the worst.

How'd you even pull this off?

Well, I snuck through the
Flintstones hole in my limo,

blew it up,
thus faking my own death.

And Dave, you sentimental bitch,

Alex was working with me
the whole time.

Hey!
I win!

I win!

I pranked all of you.
Max Blum!

I said my name right!
Max Blum!

I said my name right!

I am the wiener!
Damn it! Winner!

Yeah, you are. So you
knowingly blew up

your one and only source
of income for a prank?

No, Jane.
I am gonna collect

such the big daddy sweet
insurance check once...

Damn it.
I don't have insurance.

Oh, God.
You didn't get me!

I didn't get pranked.

Oh, yeah?
Ya didn't get pranked?

You gave yourself
a sideways Kate Gosselin,

bazooka'd yourself
through a coffee table,

and Gillooly'd your leg. I
think you got pranked, trick.

It's gettin' better.
Yeah, he's right, Al.

He got us all good.
Even stunning Pete.

Oh! Pete! Where the hell were ya?
You missed my best prank!

You glued me to the toilet, Max.

Right!

Don't you have something
nice to ask Penny?

What?

This is not, um, how I
envisioned this happening,

but...
Oh, wait. Um...

You need this?
Thank you.

- I really love it, by the way.
- Okay. You're good.

Penny, I love
everything about you.

I love your big heart and I
love your even bigger head.

Aw. I love how last night,
when the waiter asked,

"Do you want a doggie bag?"
You didn't just say no.

You lied and told him we were going
on a three-week Alaskan cruise.

Well, I didn't want him to
think I didn't like the food.

I know.

You always surprise me, and I want you
to surprise me for the rest of my life.

I know it's quick,
but once you know, you know.

Penny Hartz, will you marry me?
Yes!

Yay, girl!

It's so pretty!

I'm crying and I don't
care who knows it.

It works!
It really works!

Classic couple of days, guys.

Mmm-hmm.
One last toast.

To Penny and Pete.

To the most romantic engagement

ever to take place
within 20 feet of a car fire.

Well, I have to go
lock up the store.

See you guys later.

So, not to divert attention
from my hard-core eternal love,

but, Max,
I gotta hand it to you,

you outdid yourself
on those pranks.

Ah, thank you,
but I couldn't have done it

without Dave starting
this whole thing.

Well, technically,
you started it

with the whole
"subs 4 guns" thing.

What "subs 4 guns" thing?

Hold the pickles.

If you didn't do
the gun thing, who did?

This fax came for you guys.
A fax?

What in the Wyclef Jean is this?

Is this Alex?

Wait. Alex was behind
this whole thing?

No way. No way in hell.

She got the worst of it. She cut
her hair, she hurt her leg.

Yeah, it couldn't have been her.
Of course not.

Alex?
Our Alex?

She dumb as hell.

I'm not as dumb as I am.