Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Ex Factor - full transcript

Well, big news in the
Williams-Kerkovich house.

Jane's ex Ryan is
coming into town,

and they're having dinner. Oh.

We did a semester at sea
together, and it was ages ago,

and I am just following
our rule, Brad.

Whatever. We have this
deal that if an ex comes to town,

we're allowed one dinner
with them,

and the spouse can either
attend or not.

Well, I'm opting not to dine.

No offense to Ryan.
I just have a Groupon

for a Ladysmith Black
Mambazo concert.



Ooh. And I hate
Ryan, sight unseen.

You're going to see
Ladysmith Black Mambazo?

♪ Yes, I am ♪

Sweet. Anyway, don't worry
about the check, guys.

I got this one.
What?

What?

I have a little bit of
disposable income these days.

Max, you cannot have
disposable income

when you owe us $11,000...

And three cats. You'll get those
cats when you get those cats, Jane.

And the reason I have
all this extra cashish

is because my new roommate

decided to pay me
five months' rent in advance.

Ah, yes. El nuevo roommate.



When are we gonna meet this guy?

Oh, no, you won't.
I told that guy that we are

gonna live
totally separate lives.

I will not make the same mistake
I made with my last roommate

and get all invested
in his personal business.

That was me.
Yeah.

And I will not make
that blunder again.

Okay, so Ryan is gonna be here any...
What is happening?

I'm just doing some 'shups.

What do you got going on that you
don't have time to say "push-ups"?

'Shups for life!

Now to bulk up on some
of my whey powder.

Scoop.

Just like that?

It's in my lungs!

Anyway...

Oh!

Oh. Listen, there's something I
need to tell you about Ryan.

I wasn't exactly...

Don't care, 'cause I'll be
spending my night

listening to beautiful
African harmonies

and forgetting about
Ryan, who is... A girl?

Hi. Oh!
Hi!

Oh! Ryan, this is Brad.

Brad, Ryan.

So great to meet you.
Hey.

Jane, can I use your restroom
before we go? Long flight.

Yes, of course.
It's right through there.

I'm sorry. Okay, I should've told
you earlier, but then I didn't,

and then it was weird and...

Are you mad at me?

What do you think?
Mmm.

Hell, no! Wow!

It's 2013. This is the new normal.
Oh, my gosh.

I mean, I knew you dated girls
in your experimental phase,

but I never got any of the hot details.

Why don't we all stay in
for dinner, you know?

We'll get some wine out,
drink it up,

and really dig
into your sexy past.

It's gonna be an awesome night.

We're not gonna have
a three-way.

It's gonna be
a pretty good night.

So besides withholding
judgment on your new goatee...

Mmm-hmm? ...what should
we do this weekend?

Dinner with Brad and Jane? Or Max
is always doing something weird.

Last week,
he pretended to be a psychic

and assisted the police
with a murder investigation.

And with his help, they apprehended
several innocent people.

I thought we'd hang out
with my friends.

Your friends...
Dave and Alex?

No, the friends I had
before we started dating.

You know, since we're
a real couple now,

I thought we'd hang out
with both of our friends.

Hmm. Still not following.

Sometimes we'll hang out with
your friends... Totally get that.

Sometimes we'll hang out
with my friends.

Now, here's where you lose me.

Okay, Pen, imagine a world where
your friends don't exist.

Who would we hang out with?

Uh... Rachel McAdams?
No.

Sully Sullenberger?
Uh-uh.

Oh! Your friends!

Yes! There it is!

Wait.

Man, I guess my new roommate Chase
is moving his stuff in today.

I hope he doesn't try to
weasel his way into our group

like my last roommate did.

Once again, still me.

Whoa!

Chase's stuff is awesome.

Look at these tchotchkes.

Whoa!

- Hi.
- Whoa!

Hey, Max. Hey, Max's friends.
I'm Chase.

You sure are.
I'm headed to the gym,

but I stocked the fridge
with some beers.

I also got us a couple
of pizzas from Gino's.

Oh, and, Max,
I hope you don't mind,

but I upgraded your cable
to include the NBA package.

Later.

That guy is so cool!

Why would you want to live
a separate life from that guy?

Well, obviously, I'm regretting taking
such a hard stance on that now.

I mean, is this
restoration hardware?

This is a disaster. We have
to find a way to fix this.

I got it.
It's so simple.

All we do is stay here, wait for
Chase to come back from the gym,

then we show him how cool
we are, and boom,

he'll wanna be best friends
with us forever.

Now, everybody, just kind
of act cool, you know?

- Real cool-like.
- Yes.

What is that?
Yeah, Dave.

Don't embarrass us
in front of Chase, okay?

So that was how I ended up
giving my mother a kidney.

Classic.

But can we be serious
for a moment?

'Cause I feel like
we've been talking,

but nobody's really
said anything... Sexy.

Okay. Let's not make
Ryan uncomfortable.

Hey. I just want
you to feel free

to reminisce about
your time at sea. That's all.

I don't know, like
pillow fights or kissing contests.

Maybe somebody's wearing
a little skipper's hat?

Okay. I have
a sexy story for you.

You do?
Yeah.

I remember this one time...
Oh...

...we were at port
at Saint Thomas.

Oh, yeah! And we had to
camp out in the rain.

Yes! Rain. Wet.
Go with that.

And we were soaked.
Oh, yeah, you were.

We had to strip down
to our tank tops.

Paint it. Paint a picture.

And we had to snuggle to keep warm.
Mmm.

Ohh. That's when things
got pretty intense.

'Cause we just talked

all night about feminist theory.

The end.

The end?
Mmm-hmm.

There's gotta be more.

Well, there was one other thing.
Yes. Right.

That was, uh, when we said
that we loved each other.

Right.
What? No.

Huh?

Love?

Well...

All right. Great dinner.

We're gonna call it a night.

Jane and I will go
to our marriage bed,

and, Ryan, you can leave and
do whatever, and I don't care,

and good night.
Sorry.

I gave away my Ladysmith Black
Mambazo tickets for this?

Have you been up all night?

Uncle Jerry.
Yeah, but, you know,

it's paid off 'cause look
what I can do with the cards.

Wait. Did Chase not come
home last night?

No. No. And I've had
a lot of time to consider

all of the possibilities
of what could've happened.

He definitely
got eaten by a bear.

Okay. In the event that
that didn't happen,

we should probably get
in touch with him,

because it's roommate protocol.
It's a sacred bond.

I do not believe that
that is a real thing.

Bet you thought
it was pretty real

when I rescued you
from that well.

Oh, my God.
The well thing again?

You saved me from a well once,

and now I gotta hear it
for the rest of my life?

Guys, why don't we just
call Chase and make sure

that he's fine and that
he's not in a bear's stomach?

Did we all hear that?
Did you hear that?

There's someone scoring our life.

Somebody's scoring our life.
Someone's scoring our life.

- Oh, it's his ring.
- Oh.

Why does Chase
have that ringtone? Hello!

Dave, I am on record
as saying you are an idiot,

but in this case,
I think you're right.

I mean, Chase could be
in serious trouble.

No one leaves their cell phone.

Unless you happen
to fall into a well.

Okay, a real gentleman
saves someone from a well

and never mentions it again.

Think, damn it!
All right, guys,

can't we just call
Chase's work or his family?

Dave. Why don't you leave
the sleuthing

to the pro sleuthers here?

And besides, it is totally
obvious what we need to do.

So obvious.

We gotta make sure we have, uh...
The clue...

...the proper DNA samples. Blood,
hair, DNA. Get to the right path

that leads to that
fork in the road.

Make sure that
that gets to a lab.

Okay, I'm just gonna check
Chase's phone for texts.

Check his phone!
Check his phone!

Boom! The most recent ones are
from a woman named Veronica.

You can never trust a Veronica.

You know, I had a boyfriend
named Veronica.

Turns out he was a woman.

Oh. Okay. What do we do next?

We gotta contact CTU.

ICU. The ECU. Yes. 'Cause
there could be an emergency.

We gotta contact TCU,
Texas Christian University.

And we'll find out
through them. Yeah.

I just texted Veronica,
pretending to be Chase.

She's on her way over right now.

Text her as Chase!

Guys, come on. Can we just focus?
You're acting silly.

Are you wearing
Chase's jacket, Dave?

Where does he get
such fine corduroy?

...so then I just asked her
directly, and it turns out

it was one big misunderstanding.

So... Nothing else
happened?

No obstacles you had to
hijinks your way out of?

No one brought a miniature
pig to a car dealership

to prove a point
about gender roles?

No. We hardly ever use tiny
livestock to prove points.

Oh!

Ooh! Check out
red shirt diaries over here!

Spill much? Have a little cheese with
that wine, you stupid clumsy bitch!

Up top!

Oh. Oh.

You guys don't do pile-ons?

I am so sorry.
Let me help you.

Uh, uh, wait...
Waitress, some club soda!

Did you want my shirt?
Or here's... Here's $100.

On second thought, the red suits you.
You're beautiful.

'Cause you look so good, I'm
gonna do it to myself.

No, no, no. Duh, duh, duh.

And here we are
in our early days.

You can see
our love is blossoming.

In case you can't,
here's a bar graph showing

that she loves me more than
anyone or anything ever.

Look, the numbers don't lie.
This is science.

It took you five hours
to make this, huh?

Yep. In between my 'shups.

He means push-ups.

'Shups for life!

Hey, um, I think that
I should probably go.

Oh.

Okay. Sure. Yeah.

Oh, man, She's leaving.
No, don't go.

I really wish you would leave.

Brad, what is going on with you?

You know that Ryan and I
were forever ago.

We're just friends now.
We're like Portia and Ellen.

Portia and Ellen are married.
What?

What? Portia's a lesbian?
Yeah.

Anyway, the point is, we've dated
a lot of people in the past,

and we should be able
to be adult around our exes.

It's time to grow up. You know what?
You're right. I'm sorry.

Let's have a do-over dinner
with Ryan tonight.

Okay? I promise
to be an adult.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Is that Photoshopped?
Hmm?

Uh, no, it's not
Photoshopped, Jane.

It's Adobe cut and paste.

Hello?
Oh. It's you, Veronica.

We've been waiting for you.

And we have some serious quest...
Ow. Ow!

Damn it. Why'd you guys
talk me into this?

You know I'm not good
at dramatic swivels.

Where's Chase? Why don't
you tell us, tootsie pops?

You were the last person
to see him alive.

Alive? What are you guys
talking about?

You sure ask
a lot of questions, lady.

We found this briefcase
in Chase's room.

We need the combination
to get it open.

Did you even check
to make sure it was locked?

Oh. I'm sure Chase just leaves unlocked
briefcases all over the place.

I'm sure I'm just gonna press these
buttons here and it's gonna open.

It opened.
Bye. Idiots.

What's in it? A gun? Cash?

Looks like
just bunch of old bills.

You know what we need to do.

Yeah. Just...

We gotta always be closing.
Chase those leads and...

We gotta close it.

'Cause closing is for closers.
Exactly.

Hi, this is Chase Regan.

My credit card was stolen
about 20 minutes ago.

Could you tell me where the
last place it was used, please?

Call the credit card company!

Chase's credit card was used

at a restaurant downtown.

Let's go.

You are not leaving the house
in Chase's glasses!

But I look like Dwight Howard.

No. No. He looks like Rachel
Maddow with a goatee.

Yeah.
That's even better.

That's why I think we're not worried
enough about the debt ceiling.

Oh, I get it.

You're the Dave of the group,

always talking about stuff
nobody cares about.

We all care about this.

Yes. Yes. It is a very,
very serious issues.

And I was testing you.
You passed.

Jane and Brad are about
to eat dinner with her ex,

who is a girl.
Hmm.

And Alex says Chase is
missing and bears are involved.

Who's Chase? Who cares, Pete?
He's missing.

Okay, look, you put in a great effort today
with my friends, and I appreciate it.

So would you like
to go see your friends now?

Please, yes!

Although if we leave without
an excuse, won't they get mad

and then, like,
ice us out of the group,

and then everybody'll take sides

and then it's like,
"Who gets the friends?"

No, Penny,
because they're normal.

Guys, we're gonna take off.

See you later.
Bye.

All right, see you.
Bye.

They're not buying it.

Guys, we must take a flight
now to Europe. Oh, boy.

It's a diplomatic emergency.
No. Time to go.

And I will see you all when
I'm back from the continent.

Bye!

Brad, I really appreciate you being
so adult about this while Ryan thing.

Well, I'm just glad that we're
both being adult about this.

The both of us.

Which I'd why I've decided to
invite another adult to dinner.

My old friend Melissa, who
also happens to be my ex.

What?

Okay, so you invited one of your
exes to dinner? Real adult, Brad.

"Real adult, Brad."

So, uh, Brad, you said this was
a business school reunion.

Is anyone else coming?
You know how it is.

You know, Rosen with work.
Franklin moved to England. Uh-huh.

Chad and Lisa with the baby.

Chad and Lisa had a baby?
I don't know. Probably.

I just feel like we
haven't talked in forever.

You know?
Especially for two people

who had such a deep
emotional connection.

I miss it.

I can respect a bond
that happened in the past.

Oh. Jane, you have nothing
to worry about.

I mean, it was just a fling.
Purely physical.

Physical?

Totally in the past. A lot has
changed for me since then.

Physical?
Oh, it was real physical.

Real physical.

Talking about sex kind of physical.
With socks off.

Okay.
Yeah.

And to completion
most of the time.

Correction...
All the times.

It was so hot.

But I'm sure you can be an adult about it.
Right, Jane?

Of course I can.

Let's pick a new topic.

Have they come up
with any new soups lately?

Thank you
for coming to Brad and Jane's.

I'm sorry we left
your friends early,

but trust me, we are in for
one crazy roller coaster ride.

Whee!

Okay, gang, whoever
abducted Chase is here,

and using his credit cards while
he's probably off in the desert,

alone and scared,
begging God for death.

The vultures are picking at him.
There he is.

Well, well, well!

We have been searching
all over town for you.

Worried sick, mister.

And we find you having a fancy steak
dinner with one of your fioozers!

Um...
I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'm his roommate.
And who are you, lady?

- I'm his wife.
- Whoa.

God. You gotta be kidding me, Chase!
A roommate?

Are you really renting
another sex shack in the city?

He is so cool!

I knew you wouldn't change.
You know what?

Now I don't feel so bad about
sleeping with your brother.

Oh.

Ya see...

There's a roommate protocol, and I believe
that that leads to a sacred bond...

Mmm-hmm. Between two
people under one...

Yep. Uh, you see, uh, one time,
Max was caught in a well.

I could've gotten out of that well.
Yeah, but you didn't.

You didn't get out of it.
Wait.

Is that my jacket?

And that's why I think everyone's just
overreacting to the debt ceiling.

Ugh. Speaking of the
debt ceiling...

Mmm-hmm?
Ryan, I remember, uh,

when you used to write me
those love notes.

What does that have
to do with the debt ceiling?

Shh! Bad transitions means
the excitement's about to start!

Well, Melissa left me a lot
of notes, too. Sex notes.

Some were even sent
through the federal mail,

so it was basically a sex crime.

No. No. No. That is something
completely different.

Regardless, it was hot.

I guess you were just pleasuring
women all over the place.

And I guess you were just
lovin' everybody you meet!

Here we go!

Ooh! That's a nice deck.

I love a good deck.
I'm gonna go check it out.

Oh, I'll join you.

I think we should go, too.

What? No!

I mean, you're probably right,
but I'm telling you,

Max's thing is not gonna
be better than this.

What? It was Chase's wife?

And your place is his sex shack?

And he works out?
This is so much better!

Well...

She's definitely leaving me.

And since I work for her dad,
I've also lost my job.

Oh, that's messed up, man.

I bet your brother
gets that job.

It's been a tough day.

What do you say
we all get back home

to that nice, buttery
leather brown couch

and just chill out?

No, I'm not living with you.

Uh-huh. And I'm also
taking my stuff back.

And just so you know...

Sometime in the near future,

I am going to ruin your life

like you ruined mine.

That guy's so cool. I know.
I'm shaking in my boots.

Do you think that that's gonna
come back to haunt me eventually?

No.
Yes.

Penny, I gotta admit, your
friends are a lot of fun.

Yay! Then it's settled. We'll
only hang out with my friends.

Come on.
I'm kidding! I'm kidding.

We'll hang out with your friends.
Okay.

When mine are busy.

Mmm.
Congratulations.

Crack the whip, girl!

You always said it was
just an experimental phase.

Well, I'm sorry that I forged
such a deep connection with Ryan

that she never got over it.

Well, I'm sorry I gave the
good stuff to Melissa

in a way that no man
could ever repeat!

Oh, come on!
Is everybody a lesbian now?

Fudge!

Fudge! Fudge! Fudge!

Brad, I'm so sorry.

I mean, we could've
avoided all of this

if I had just told you
the truth about Ryan.

Well, I shouldn't have
gotten so upset.

I don't know. I just thought I was gonna
hear about all the fun, sexy stuff,

and then she said
all the love stuff,

and I wanna be the only
person you ever loved.

Aw! Boo!

You're the person I love
the most,

and I always will.

And just so you know, sex with
Melissa wasn't even that great.

I mean, she never really
seemed that into it.

Oh! Right. Right.

Yeah, she does not enjoy
my anatomy.

Mmm-mmm.

Hey, just to avoid
any future confusion,

which of your other exes
were girls?

Oh. Yeah. Well, uh,
Sydney was a girl.

Tracy was a guy. Aaron was a girl.
Jordan was a guy.

Lane was a girl. Uh, Morgan was...
Stop.

Just... No more, please.

It's just, uh...

And Brad is a man.

The man.
Mmm-hmm.

My man.

Okay, Brad, that's enough.

Aw! Just five more minutes.

You said that five minutes ago.
Time for bed now.

I hate bed.
Mmm...

Say thank you
to the nice ladies.

Thank you, nice ladies.

I never get to have any fun.

Ohh. We're about to go upstairs
and have sex right now.

Ooh! Can you check
my pants for monsters?

I always do.

Eyes forward.
Okay.

Eyes forward.
Left, right.