Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 3, Episode 20 - Two Angry Men - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

(saxophone solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪



♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a live audience.

(whistling)

(makes kissing sound)

Okay Fonz, that's it.

We've got the whole coop here.

Hey, that's great in my house.

Why not take it on the roof,

build them a home, huh?

I want to build
my friends a home.

Well, we just want to show you

how hard we worked, Fonz.

Yeah, Fonz, okay,
we'll take it outside,

take care of
everything, no problem.

Yeah, let's go.

Oh, come on,
Fonz, just one hint.

Give me one hint.

Whose number am
I getting? Come on.

Sharon. Klondike 5.

Yeah?

Hey, the rest when
you finish the coop.

Klondike 5, I know
that neighborhood!

The girls are sensational!

Come on, let's go
hammer! Let's go!

All right.

RICHIE: Hi, guys,
how's it going?

RALPH: I got a Klondike 5!

(whistling)

Hey.

Hey, come meet
your new neighbors.

Neighbors, this is
Richie Cunningham,

good friend of mine.

I'm going to build them a home.

Pigeons, huh?

Hey, know your birds, huh?

Yeah, why would you
want to keep pigeons?

Don't tell me you
missed On the Waterfront.

Yeah.

Talk about a humdrum life.

Anyway, see, look... Brando
raised some pigeons, right?

I always wanted to do it, huh?

Besides, they love me.

Come here, come
to Fonzie. Come on.

(makes kissing sound)

Well... well, Fonz,
there's no place

to keep these birds around here.

What about the roof?

That's where Brando kept them.

Hey, get away from her, will ya?

You don't know her long enough.

Well, how are you going

to get up there to feed 'em?

Did you ever hear of a ladder?

It's a long, wooden
thing with rungs?

Hey, listen, did you
talk to Dad about this?

I don't have one.

No, my dad.

Oh, hey, Mr. C.

No sweat; don't worry about it.

(whistling)

Fonz, I really think
you ought to talk to him.

And you better hurry up,

'cause he's leaving
for work right now.

This early? Something
wrong with his home life, huh?

You like that, huh? (guffaws)

Some kid busted a
window at his store

and he's trying to get it fixed

before the blizzard hits.

What blizzard? (car starts)

Hey, come on, Fonz.

There he is... he's leaving.

Come on. Right now.

All right, all right.

Hey, Mr. C, up here!

I can't talk to you, Fonzie.

I got to get to the store.

I know that, I'll make it fast.

Listen, I want, uh, I want
to raise some, uh, birds,

you know, and Richie here
says that I got to talk to you first.

Birds? Yeah.

Sure, whatever you want.

Richie, will you go next door

and get back our snow shovel?

There's a blizzard on its way.

Yeah, sure Dad, but
listen, about these...

Marion, I'll talk to you later!

MARION: Okay.

Eh, you see?

Nothing to it, nothing to it.

Except I don't
think you explained

about this pigeon coop, Fonz.

Richie, what
difference does it make?

By the time he comes
home, it'll be up already, huh?

I just don't think
he's going to like it.

Are you kidding me?

Once he meets
these little fellows,

he's going to fall in love.

I'm telling you that he's
gonna come up here,

he's gonna say
"Fonzie, please, please,

let me play with your pigeons."

Yeah, my dad's
going to say that?

That's right. I tell you what.

I'll even name one after him.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

Uh, how about that
chubby one that waddles?

Mr. C, come here, come
here to Fonzie, come on.

Come on, let's go see

how Ralph and Potsie
are doing on the roof.

Yeah.

So long, Dad!

(laughs)

(groans)

Oh! Thank goodness
you're home, dear.

Oh, Howard, your overshoes.

I'm wearing them, Marion.

What took you so long?

In case you haven't heard,

there's a raging
blizzard out there.

You know, I left the
store three hours ago!

I wish I'd known.

I would have had time
to make baked potato.

Oh, Dad, good...
I'm glad you're home.

I tried to call you at the store
and I couldn't get through.

It's about Fonzie's birds.

Birds again.

Look, I'm cold and
I'm tired, Richie.

(loud crash)

What was that?!

That came from Fonzie's
place. Let's go up there.

Better knock before you
go in; it's Saturday night.

(pounding on door)

Hey, come on in,
everything else is.

Fonzie... what happened?!

Fonz, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Now don't get excited.

We had a little accident here.

We had a little accident,
but the Fonz is unhurt.

Good thing I wasn't sitting
in the middle of the table.

Well, that's great, but
what about my roof?

And what is this?!

Well, it, uh, used to
be a pigeon house.

Pigeons?!

There goes my ulcer.

That's what I was trying
to tell you about, Dad.

Oh, there go my birds.

I'll probably never
find them again.

(whistling)

Come to Fonzie!

(whistling)

But you said a few little birds!

Hey, dig it, pigeons
are little birds.

I mean, I even named
one after you: "Little Mr. C."

Tell him, Rich... didn't I?

Oh, yeah, Dad, he was a
real cutie... nice, round face...

I don't want to hear it!

I don't either.

My little birds. I'll
never find them.

They're flapping their
wings all over Milwaukee.

Now, listen, Fonz, you
really don't have to worry

because pigeons are
very intelligent birds.

I mean, I hear they
can fly hundreds of miles

through snow,
sleet, rain, anything.

Cunningham, you are
talking about a mailman.

Why isn't anybody
talking about my roof?

Lookit... my rug is
ruined, the furniture, the...

I got to get a bucket.

Wow! What happened?
Santa Claus miss the chimney?

Hey, Mr. C, what's going on?

Oh, Fonzie, I
called a carpenter in

to give us an
estimate on the roof.

Oh, yeah, well, what's
Arnie doing here?

Well, the carpenter
is his cousin, Marvin.

Yeah, Marvin
don't speak English.

I his interpreter.

Hey, Marv, uh,
what do you think?

Yeah, what about the roof, huh?

Oh, just a minute, Marv,

what do you think, what
about the roof? I got it.

Hey, Marv, what do you think?

(speaks Chinese)

(speaking Chinese)

$400.

$400? That's kind
of steep, isn't it?

Uh, Marvin's pencil don't lie.

Well, what about his pad?

Listen, I was only
worried about Mr. C.

I mean, he ain't exactly

rolling in dough, you know.

Well, don't worry
about that, Fonzie.

I'm not paying for this.

Oh, well, then the
insurance company will

take care of it then, huh?

No, the insurance
company doesn't pay

for a thing like this.

Yeah, well, who's going...?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

The Fonz ain't paying for this.

Well, I don't see why not.

I mean this whole
thing was caused

by that bird bungalow of yours.

Excuse me, I beg to differ.

There was a ton
of snow up there,

and a bird bungalow...
as you call it... is very light.

Well, then why don't
you go live in one, huh?

Well, I wouldn't
be any worse off

than I am right here now.

Hey, hey, hey, don't fight.

I'll fight over $400
any day, Jack.

Now wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Let me understand this. Yeah.

You break my roof and
you expect me to pay for it?

No, I expect the roof
to hold a bird cage.

Why don't you go
move to a motel?

Not when I'm paying rent, I
ain't gonna move to no motel.

All right, sleep right here
with a hole in the roof then.

Well, how would you like
not to get your rent paid, huh?

Hey, wait, wait, wait!

Just hold it! I mean (sputters)

Marvin say for a extra $50,
he rebuild the pigeon coop.

Oh, yeah?

Sit on it, Marvin!
Sit on it, Marvin!

Dad, Fonzie's not trying
to get away with anything.

He really believes
that this isn't his fault

and there's no way you're going

to get him to pay the
$400 to fix the roof.

He'll just stay in
that motel forever.

Good.

Well, what about
the $50-a-month rent?

We'll get it from somebody else.

With no roof?

No, you're right, Richard.

The way he's fixed
up that apartment,

it is absolutely worthless.

There's only one
thing left for me to do.

Compromise.

I'm going to take
Fonzie to court

and I'm going to sue him.

Sue the Fonz?

Ho, ho, ho...

You can't sue Arthur.

Why not?

Because he's a friend of ours.

Some friend.

If I had more friends like
him, we'd all be living in a tent!

Now, suing a friend
is just so distasteful,

just so heartless;
it's so unfriendly.

I mean, it's so nerdish.

Now, Howard, Fonzie
is one of the family.

He named the pigeon after you.

That doesn't make
up for the roof!

I would like to say
something, please.

What?

I am shocked.

If my own father sues
a personal friend of ours

who has helped me,

and each one of you,
in times of trouble,

it will definitely leave
an emotional scar on me

for the rest of my life.

And that's a long time, buster!

Good night!

You don't want to scar
your daughter, Howard.

No, no.

Well, maybe you're right.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll go on down
and talk to Fonzie

and maybe we can
straighten this whole thing out.

RICHIE: Oh, great.

Where's he staying?

At this motel called
the Wiscons Inn.

The Wiscons Inn? Yeah.

(knocking)

Hi, everybody.

Hello, Potsie.

Would you like to come
in and have some dessert?

Oh, great.

Oh, I'm supposed to give
you this from the Fonz.

What is it?

It's a summons to appear
in court next Tuesday.

You're being sued by the Fonz.

Hey, Mr. C.

He tried to attack me when
I gave him the summons.

Hey, I thought you were supposed

to give him the summons.

I didn't want to get hit.

I'm very fragile.

I'm saving myself
for Klondike 5, Fonz.

Sit down.

So you're the,
uh, plaintiff, huh?

Yeah.

Would you like a little tip?

Why don't you throw yourself

on the mercy of the court?

Yeah? How about if I just
throw myself on your chest?

All rise.

This court is now in session.

The Honorable Judge
McCabe presiding.

The case of Fonzarelli
v. Cunningham.

The plaintiff,
Arthur Fonzarelli,

is suing Howard Cunningham

for damages to
Mr. Fonzarelli's roof

caused by excessive snowfall.

Mr. Cunningham is counter suing.

This should be a
pip, Your Honor.

Please be seated.

Now, Mr. uh, Fonzarelli?

Hey.

Of course.

Mr. Cunningham.

Now, Mr. Fonzarelli,

I understand that you have
chosen to represent yourself.

All right, Fonz! Great!

Now, boys, am I going
to have trouble with you?

No, ma'am, not a
bit. No trouble at all.

Mr. Fonzarelli, would you please
make your opening statement?

The plaintiff chooses to pass.

The term is "waive."

Whatever.

Mr. Taylor, will you make
your opening statement, please?

Your Honor, we intend to
prove that the collapse of the roof

was caused by the weight
of a large pigeon enclosure

erected by the plaintiff without
the consent of the defendant.

Poppycock!

Poppycock?!

JUDGE: Mr. Fonzarelli,

we do not "poppycock"
in this courtroom.

I'm waving. I'm waving.

Now, uh, would you like to
call your first witness, please?

Hey, I sure would.

Now, if it please the court,

I would like to call one
young Richard Cunningham.

Objection!

RICHIE: Oh, yeah.

Me, too. Listen, Fonz...

FONZIE: Hey, Richie,
the court is waiting.

Uh... oh, listen, Your Honor,

I'd really rather
not take the stand.

What, is there some
reason why you can't testify?

Well, uh...

Yeah, see, I'm not
dressed very well...

Oh, I guess that doesn't...

Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm,
uh, I'm under age.

How old are you?

Seventeen.

That's old enough.

Please take the stand.

Okay, but you never know
what a kid like me's going to say.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth, so help you God?

Of course he does.

Who is that lady?

Uh, that's my mother.

Oh, really?

Oh, hi.

Oh, he has your
eyes, doesn't he?

Thank you.

When he was born,
he looked like his father,

then as the years
went on... Marion!

More like me.

I'm her daughter.

JUDGE: Oh.

Your Honor, please.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, we'll talk later.

Please be seated.

All right, Mr. Fonzarelli,
your witness.

Hey, it's about time.

Now, Mr. Cunningham,

in your own youthful,
innocent, wide-eyed words,

would you tell this court
what your father said

when I asked him if I
could keep the birds?

(whispering): I
don't like this, Fonz.

Uh, well, he, uh...
he said, "Yes."

No further questions.

But, you see, I don't
think he understood...

You can step down now.

HOWARD: Now, wait
a minute, wait a minute!

Howard, Howard, sit down...

I want to question the witness.

Oh, but Mr. Cunningham,
you have a lawyer.

Your Honor, I'd like
to talk to my own son.

All right, but I'm
not splitting my fee.

Hello, son.

I didn't want to
ruin your case, but...

She made me come up here, Dad.

Oh, "Dad,"... well,
you're still calling me that.

That's a surprise.

I'm sorry about what I said.

Uh, Mr. Cunningham, please,
what are you trying to prove?

If I may just have a
moment, Your Honor.

Now, young man...
did Arthur Fonzarelli,

when he asked you
about the so-called birds,

make it clear that
he was building

a birdhouse on the roof?

Where was I supposed to
keep the pigeons, in my T-shirt?

(laughing) (gavel pounding)

JUDGE: Order.

Order.

If you had kept them in your
T-shirt I'd still have a roof!

(laughing) Bailiff!

Please.

Well?

No.

No, what? No, sir.

Will you answer the question?

Oh... yeah, uh... no...

he did not make it clear about
building the cage on the roof.

Thank you very much.

You may sit down.

Hey, like father, like son.

Yeah, but I was
telling the truth.

Now, Your Honor, I would
like to call for my next witness...

Oh, are you going to
continue as your own lawyer?

Yeah, I kind of like it.

Your Honor, I'd like to
call a surprise witness...

Mr. Arthur Fonzarelli.

Whoa!

I object!

I've been dying to say that.

Your Honor, he does not
have to testify against himself.

I cite precedent:

Frank Costello in front of the
Kefauver Committee, 1951.

Oh, yes, I know, I know,
I saw that on television.

They only showed his hands.

That's right, you don't have to
take the stand, Mr. Fonzarelli.

Well, yes, of course, that is
unless he has something he's hiding.

Hey. The Fonz ain't intimidated.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth, so help you God?

Let me tell you something,
the Fonz is straight, huh?

Please be seated.

Hey.

Mr. Fonzarelli, I just want to
ask you one simple question.

Yeah, what is it?

If you knew you
were in the right,

why didn't you tell me,
right from the beginning,

that you were going to
build a birdhouse on the roof,

instead of just asking if you
could keep a few little birds?

(giggling)

Do you expect me to
answer a question like that?

(laughing)

Well, it would be nice.

Yes, it would.

All right, look... I'll,
uh, okay, okay, listen,

I went to the, uh...

Your most lovely
and beautiful Honor...

Now, I can tell from those big,
beautiful, understanding eyes of yours

that you can see this whole
thing from my point of view.

Yes... all right; yes, I admit

that I might have
misled this man slightly.

And I repeat, slightly.

But what chance did I have?

Now, let's just look at my
rough, rough upbringing

for a moment.

I was on the road at age six.

I was shunned by society.

I didn't have the
chance to go to college,

like a lot of people
in this room did today.

I used to live hand-to-mouth,
hand-to-mouth...

I mean, what kind
of chance did I have?

But I'll tell you something,
right here and now.

(voice breaking): That, if I
had a nice mommy like you...

I would have grown up and
turned out completely different.

Oh, you poor, poor baby.

What's going on here?

This is a court of law.

Hush!

There, now.

Oh, I'm so sorry, but the judge
has feelings, too, you know.

Hey, I understand that.

Everything is cool.

Uh, Your Honor, this isn't fair.

I tell you, it just isn't fair.

I've had just about
enough of you.

Now, you sit down or I'm
going to fine you for contempt!

Just do me a favor, okay?

Go easy on him, 'cause
he's really a nice guy.

Aw, you're just so sweet,
and so understanding.

Hey, I know. Yeah.

So understanding.

Go on, now, why don't
you just step down.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Such a nice, nice boy.

Hey.

Get up, Mr. Cunningham.

I've reached a verdict.

The court finds in favor
of Howard Cunningham.

And Mr. Fonzarelli must
pay the $400 for the roof.

Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

What happened to
the "nice, nice boy"?

Time out, time out!

Oh, I meant every word of it.

You are a nice boy.

Oh, now, look, I know that
that roof is over 30 years old,

and Mr. Cunningham could
have offered to help you fix it,

if he was any kind of
a decent human being.

But you did mislead
him, ever so slightly,

and so I have no alternative.

I'm very sorry.

You're a very nice boy.

Court is adjourned.

You were right, Leo...
This one was a pip.

Boy... am I a lawyer?

Wait'll you get my bill.

All right, Mr. Cunningham,
you won fair and square.

I mean, I took
a shot and I lost.

I don't know where I'm
going to get the money,

but you know, like they say:

"To the victor goes the spoils."

Howard, you can
drive the children home.

I'm going to take the bus.

I'm hitchhiking.

Why is everybody so mad at me?

Because I think
the judge was right.

The roof was 30 years old.

You were going to
have to repair it, anyway.

I mean, you're just very lucky
that you're getting it done for free.

All right, all
right, I'll pay half.

Oh, Howard, you're a
sweetheart. Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Dad. Thank you, dear.

Yeah, I'm a sweetheart.

Fonzie, could I talk
to you for a minute?

How come, so you can gloat?

Now look, it is an old roof,

and so I'm going to
pay $200 toward it.

I mean, that's the way it should
have been settled in the first place.

That's the way
friends do things.

Hey, well, let me
tell you something.

As a friend, you're really
a gem, Mr. Cunningham.

Yeah, I'm a
sweetheart and a gem.

Fonz, listen, all the
kids are going to chip in

to help you out... you know,

for all the favors
you've done us.

Now, I don't think we
can get the whole thing,

but we can probably raise half.

Oh, Malph, Malph,
I am touched, huh?

Listen: Klondike 5-3201, huh?

All right, Fonz!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I don't understand something.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you break
my roof and then you sue me,

you take me here to court,
and you lose the case,

I put up $200 toward it,
the kids get the rest of it?

I mean, how come you
don't get to pay anything?

How come?

'Cause I'm the Fonz, huh? Aayyh!

I tell you, Marion,

I never thought I'd spend a
whole evening pigeon sitting.

Well, you know
how badly Arthur felt

when he lost
them that first time,

so he didn't want
to leave them alone,

he was so happy
that they came back.

You know, they're kind of cute.

Yeah, aren't they?

Look how they're all
snuggling up together.

Yeah.

Aren't they cute?

Oh, Howard, are
you getting frisky?

Hey, I'm home!

What a time to come home.

Hey listen, thanks very
much for babysitting my pals.

You didn't feed them
what you eat, did you?

'Cause I'm just going
to take them inside,

give them a drink of water
and take them upstairs, huh?

Say good night, everybody.

Our pleasure.

Oh, they're so cute.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,

now that the pigeons
are gone, I just don't feel...

Good night, dear.

Fonzie!

Here you go, kids.

Can I ask you a favor? Yeah.

Would you mind, uh...

leaving your pigeons
with me overnight?

What did I tell Richie.

You see, I knew that you and I
had the same love for animals, huh?

Of course, Mr. C.

Good night, Mr. C., huh?

Good night, Mr. C.

See what you mean to me, huh?

You see what you mean to me?

Whoa!

Marion!

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days. ♪

♪ Good-bye gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪