Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 3, Episode 21 - Beauty Contest - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

(saxophone solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪



♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

RICHIE: Look at those
cheerleaders, they're fantastic.

RALPH: How come we
never date cheerleaders?

POTSIE: They never
pay attention to us.

Just once, just
once I'd like to go out

with a bathing beauty, a model,

or even one of
those cheerleaders.

Oh, Ralph, those girls aren't

going to go out
with guys like us.

You ever see 'em at a sock hop?

Yeah, Potsie's right.

That kind of girl only dates
halfbacks with big necks.

You know what? This reminds
me of a dream I keep having.

The one where you
meet Gene Autry?

No, no, I haven't had
that dream in months.

RICHIE: What dream is this?

I dream I'm a judge
in a beauty contest.

There's all these girls,

and all of them are the
cheerleaders of the world.

Not okay girls like we date,
but girls that are gorgeous.

Girls you would die for,

and they're all
in bathing suits.

I can see them now.

There they are, walking
around in front of me.

Hi, girls.

And then they start to smother
me with kisses and kisses

and kisses. What happens then?

I wake up with a
pillow in my mouth.

I've got to go call Lois,

tell her what time
I'm picking her up.

Wait a second, sit down.

Do you know what we're doing?

We're accepting our mediocrity.

You know, you're right.
We're not even trying.

I've got to make a call.

You're not listening,
Pots, sit down.

Before we just settle for
any more mediocre dates,

why don't we at
least talk to Fonzie?

He might know what we can do.

Yeah. No, I don't
need to talk to Fonzie.

I know what to do.

Really?

I read it in a magazine.

The article said the
reason we never see

beautiful girls at sock hops

is because everybody's
afraid to ask them out

because they're so
beautiful. No kidding?

You're crazy. We'll
go talk to Fonz.

You got it.

Well, wait a minute, wait.

I'll prove it.

All right, there's the
cheerleaders, right?

Yeah, I'd like to ask
Cynthia for a date,

so I'm going to.

I'm going to go ask
her to a drive-in movie.

(laughs) You're crazy.

He's crazy. He's nuts.

I'm going to do it.

(giggling)

Let's go talk to Fonzie.

(knocking on door)

Yay, Fonzie's free.

Hey, Fonz. Hey Fonz.

What's the matter with you guys?

What are you staring at?

What you doing, Fonz?

Well, I'm playing chess.

What does it look
like I'm doing?

What do you guys want?

Fonz, we're in a dating rut.

Yeah, you know, none of us
has ever dated a cheerleader.

Oh, yeah, cheerleaders.

Sis, boom, bah.

That's it, Fonz.

Yeah, well, I'll
tell you something.

You're not ready for a
move up like that yet,

let me tell you.

Oh, come on, Fonz, please.

I have this dream,

and I really want
to see it come true.

I know, you want
to meet Gene Autry.

I'm telling you, it's
never going to happen.

No, Fonz, I have
this other dream

where gorgeous girls keep
hugging and kissing me,

kisses, kisses, kisses.

This is pitiful.

He's got this dream

he's a judge in
a beauty contest.

Pretty dumb, huh, Fonz?

Now wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Beauty contest...
That's not a bad idea.

That's what I said.

A beauty contest?

Oh, yeah.

Very pretty girls
are very competitive.

All you got to do
is put up a sign

that says "beauty contest,"

class chicks come
running from everywhere,

including cheerleaders.

Yeah, but why would any chicks

want to enter our contest?

For the prizes. What prizes?

Well, use your imagination.

You got to sweeten
the pot a little bit.

Let's see, uh,
beautiful girls, huh?

You got to promise
them a trip to, uh...

Hollywood.

Well that's pretty
expensive, Fonz.

Yeah, how are we
going to pay for that?

Hey, I can't think
of everything.

Gee, we thought you could.

Yeah, okay, Fonz, thanks a lot.

Yeah, thanks, Fonz.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

The winner of the
beauty contest is a phony.

What was that, Fonz?

The winner of the
beauty contest is a phony.

Oh, you mean not a real girl.

It's one of us in a dress.

I'm holding a hot iron.

Hey, you guys plant the winner.

You pick a girl who won't
take the prizes, huh, huh?

Wait a minute, you
mean the contest is fixed?

Now I don't think
that's very honest.

Hey, what is this,
the World Series?

You want to move up, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Huh?

You're not going to take
anybody's money, right?

I mean, you're not
going to hurt anybody.

All you're doing is
looking for chicks.

Everybody understands
animal urges.

I got those urges.

Me, too, I say let's do it.

Yeah, but what if we got caught?

You just pick a girl
you can trust, that's all.

He's right, guys.

We get a girl who
won't take the prizes.

It's foolproof. Thanks,
Fonz, you always

come through for
us. We'll see you later.

Thanks, Fonz.

Hey, uh, you don't need
any more help, right?

You can do this all
by yourself, right?

Yeah, we got it, Fonz.

Oh, yeah, we're fine, Fonz.

Right.

Five, four, three, two, one.

"Hey, Fonz, uh, you
got a girl we can use?"

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll get you a girl.

Now get out of here, I'll
never get my laundry done.

Are you guys crazy?

What do you mean?
That list of prizes.

Now, look, it's bad enough

that we're offering
a trip to Hollywood,

but lunch at the Brown Derby
with Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.?

We had to offer more prizes.

We weren't getting enough
contestants. Yeah, but that?!

I mean, why didn't you offer
lunch with Marlon Brando?

Who'd believe that?

Hey you know
something, Cunningham?

You are a regular worrywart.

Now, listen, I got you a girl.

She's going to win.

And don't worry about it, I
won't let you down, all right?

Hey, there's the cheerleaders.

(loud squealing)

Oh, wow!

There you go, Malph,
your dream come true.

I'm working on
Gene Autry for you.

All right, girls,
sign up, sign up.

Penmanship counts,
among other things.

Whoa.

All right, look. We're
in big trouble here.

We got to get out of this
thing while we still can.

I knew he'd be the
first one to crack.

Look, Rich, you
can't make an omelet

without breaking a few eggs.

They're going to break
them over our heads.

I'm telling you, you're wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Look, give me this pencil.

I'm crossing my
name off this contest.

Hi, Richie.

Hi, Cynthia.

I just signed up for
your beauty contest.

Yeah, I-I noticed that.

Listen, Richie, what
are you doing tonight?

Tonight? Nothing.

Well, I thought maybe
we could get together,

just the two of us,
and discuss the rules.

We can do that.

I'll go wait in the car.

I'll start your motor.

You already did.

(sighs)

Well, don't you want
to watch Jack Paar?

Uh-uh.

Well, what do you want to do?

Are you getting frisky?

It's only Thursday.

(door unlocks)

Oh, Cynthia.

Oh, well.

Listen, I-I really
had a great time.

And, uh, thanks
for picking me up

and, uh, paying for the
movie and the cheeseburger.

And thanks for,
uh... everything.

Richie, can I come in?

We could talk some more.

Uh, well, I'm
about all talked out.

I promise I won't try anything.

Oh, now, that's what you
said at the drive-in movie.

I said I was sorry.

Things have changed a lot
since we were kids, Marion. Shh.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

All day.

All day.

♪ All day, all day ♪

♪ Going to see... ♪

Surprise.

Surprise.

You're still up.

How was your date, Rich?

Oh, my date?

It was, it was pretty good.

Rich, was she one
of the contestants

for this beauty contest
you're judging tomorrow?

Oh, that... uh, Cynthia?

Hey, you know,
as a matter of fact,

I think she... yeah, she is.

What is all this about
a trip to Hollywood?

Well, Arnold's sponsoring it.

You know, it's for publicity.

Isn't that nice?

(knocking on door) I'll get it.

You stay right there.

MARION: Now who can that be?

It's either another judge,

or a last-minute contestant.

Hi, Rich, I just
saw Cynthia leave.

This is unbelievable.

This beauty contest thing is
the greatest idea we've ever had.

It's wearing me
down, but it's great.

It's great.

Hi, Mr. C., you're
looking great, too.

They're still up.

They're still up.

Well, I just came by because
I wanted to say hi to Rich.

Hi, Rich. Hi.

They're still up. Yeah.

They were just on
their way upstairs

to go to bed, though.

Yes, we were. Come on, Howard.

Good night, Ralph.

Good night. Good night, Mom.

I'll be right up, sweetheart.

Hurry up, Frisky.

It's a nickname.

Sit down, fellows, I want to
talk to you for a minute, huh?

Sure, Dad.

Richie?

Uh, listen, just
between us guys,

a beauty contest could
be a lot of fun, I'll bet, huh?

You know what I mean, huh?

Yeah, we know what you
mean Yeah, between us guys

pretty good. It
could be a lot of fun.

And there's nothing
wrong with that.

I mean, after all, you're young,
you should have fun, right?

This is the time, when you're
young. We work hard in school.

It's good to have a good time.

But I do want to say

that if you're promising
any prizes you can't deliver,

you're both going to
be in a lot of trouble.

You know what I mean, right?

Yeah, we know what you
mean. Well, that would be awful.

Good night, guys.

Good night, Mr. Cunningham.

Good night, Dad.

Marion, I'm on my way up.

MARION: I'm getting sleepy.

And now, our last
contestant, Bunny Showalter!

(piano playing a lively tune)

♪ I heard the
breeze in the trees ♪

♪ Singing weird melodies ♪

♪ And they called
it be-doop-be-doo ♪

♪ The birth of the blues... ♪

Thank you, thank
you, Bunny Showalter!

Thank you, the
singing hula-hoopist.

Bunny, Bunny, Bunny...

Bunny, you can
stop your motor now.

Thank you. Thank you.

Isn't she a wonderful
talent? Yeah.

Let's bring out all the
other wonderful girls

in the talent portion
of our contest.

Come on out, girls!

(spectators applauding)

Aren't they talented?

Yeah! All right! Let's hear it.

We're going to take
a short break now

while the girls change
into their swimsuits.

(spectators applauding)

And, in a very few moments,

I'll be singing to the
new Miss Arnold's.

Girls, right off
this way, please.

Now, for your
listening pleasure,

a brief musical interlude

by Mrs. Elizabeth
Clopton, the mailman's wife.

(applause)

Oy! That Bunny.

What lips. What a
bod! What hoop control!

I'm going to vote for her.

You can't vote for her.

You got to vote
for Fonzie's girl.

We all got to vote
for Fonzie's girl.

Yeah, right. Which one is she?

Didn't he tell you?

No, he didn't tell me.

I thought he told...

No, he wouldn't tell him.

Which one is it? Where is he?

Don't worry. Don't
worry. He'll be here.

Fonzie wouldn't let us down.

He'll be here.

(stops playing)

Oh, hey, Fonz.

Fonz, we knew you
wouldn't let us down.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen. Which girl is it? I
mean, you know, the winner?

Yeah. Oh, you mean that winner.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, uh...
she's not here.

Well, sure she is, sure she is.

That was the whole plan, Fonz.

Yeah. Did you look
under the monkey mask?

No, no. You don't understand me,

See, she's not coming here.

She's not coming here?

Yeah, that's right.

Now I know that you're
a little bit disappointed.

Disappointed? Yeah.

Fonz, we're in big trouble.

Wouldn't she do
it for you, Fonz?

Well, not under the circumstances,
no. What circumstances?

I told her to jump off a bridge.

Oh! What?

How could you do that, Fonz?

Look, guys, you have
to understand this, right?

Every time we go out,

she wants to spend
the whole time with me.

I got to be free, you know?

What are we going to do?

All right, well, I'm going
to go into my office.

I'm going to try to rustle
up an extra chick, okay?

All right, just keep calm.

(spectators applauding)

I told you this would happen.

We got to call it off.

We can't call it off.

I haven't sung yet.

Wait. Wait. Here come the girls!

(spectators whistling
and applauding)

We got to tell them.

It's too late for that.

It's too late. Don't
worry. Don't worry.

I'll think of something.

Pots, get Arnold and
announce the finalists.

What are you talking about?

We haven't even
voted yet. We're voting.

Okay, you guys ready for me now?

Yeah. In a minute. In a minute.

Oh, boy, these girls are
going to be so excited.

Who would have thought you guys

could come up with
such terrific prizes?

Oh, I always wanted to
see Hollywood myself.

Always wanted to see
Grauman's Chinese Theater.

Okay, okay. Here's
three names. Read them.

Oh, man, we're dead.

Okay, come on, Potsie. We're on.

All right, all right.

Uh... Ladies and gentlemen,
Arnold and myself are pleased

to announce the three finalists

in the Miss Arnold's
Beauty Pageant.

Arnold, the envelope.

The envelope, Arnold?

Oh, I'm opening the envelope.

The envelope is open.

I'm showing Potsie the envelope.

Potsie, want to read it?

Yeah. Okay. The first
finalist, Bunny Showalter!

(Bunny screaming)

The second finalist...

Wait a minute. The first
finalist not finished yet.

Okay, she finished.

Yeah, okay. The second...

Hey, listen, I got a girl...
Friday. Can you wait?

A last-minute contestant?

How can we wait?

Hey, I'm doing
the best I can, huh?

Potsie... Potsie,
go ahead, all right?

All right, I'm going. Hi.
Uh... the second finalist...

Miss Cynthia Miley!

(Cynthia screaming)

No, this is not the
time. It's not the time.

Isn't she wonderful?

Bring back the first finalist.

The third, and last,
finalist... Ann Louise Milligan!

(spectators applauding)

Did he say Ann Louise Milligan?

Yes.

(screaming)

Ladies and gentlemen,
the three finalists

in the Miss Arnold's
Beauty Pageant.

Girls, good luck, and we'll
see you next year, okay?

And now the judges
will mark their ballots

picking the winner of the
Miss Arnold's Beauty Pageant.

I'm one of the judges.

Oh, I know.

I'll be right back.

Okay, Ralph, this is
the moment of truth.

What are we going to do, huh?

How do I know?

I don't believe you!

Look, this is no
time to point fingers.

I named the finalists.

Someone else think of something.

How come this never
happens to Bert Parks?

All right, all right.
That's it. That's it!

We'll do like they
do in Miss America.

What are you talking about?

We'll ask questions, like they
do in the Miss America contest.

That's not in the program.

We don't have programs, Potsie!

Then I guess it's okay.

What good is it going
to do to ask questions?

Will you just trust me?

When they answer this question,
we'll know which girl to pick.

Okay, give me the mic.

Sit over there and
look like a judge.

Okay, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Finalists, uh...

this has never before happened

in the history of the Miss
Arnold's Beauty Pageant,

but the judges are
deadlocked. Yes.

Each judge has voted
for a different girl.

So, rather than
split the grand prize

of the trip to Hollywood... Oh!

Lunch with Efrem
Zimbalist Jr... Oh!

And the costarring role

in Tony Curtis'
upcoming picture... Oh!

Rather than split that
among all three girls,

the judges have decided
to choose the lucky winner

on the basis of the answer to
this special contest question.

Are you ready, girls?

Yeah.

Bunny?

Oh!

Here is the question.

Question!

Would you leave the purity

of a nice, wholesome
life in Milwaukee

to go to the sin and
degradation of Hollywood?

Well, I mean, gee!

I mean, I never thought
of it that way before,

but, yeah, I guess I would.

I mean, I'd get to see
Hollywood, you know?

I mean, right? Am I right?

Thank you very much, Bunny.

(spectators applauding)

Cynthia?

Excuse me.

Now, uh... let me
rephrase the question.

And I want you to consider
it very, very carefully.

Okay.

Would you leave
your family and friends,

your neighborhood church,

and your peace of mind

to go to the lonely life of
make-believe and glitter

just for a few fleeting
moments of pleasure

that could well leave
you empty and broke,

and left totally abandoned
in some cheap hotel?

Would you do that, Cynthia?

You bet your boots I would!

Thank you.

Thank you, Cynthia.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Go back in line, Cynthia.

All right, Marie Louise...

Um... Ann Louise...
Yeah, right, whatever.

Pardon me.

Would you leave the
purity of Milwaukee

to go to the sin of Hollywood?

Never!

Never? Never?
You really wouldn't?

You see, I have
set certain standards

and values in my life.

My allegiance
lies first with God,

then my parents, and
then my fellow man.

My self comes last.

Oh, that's wonder...
Isn't that wonderful?

Really wonderful. Yeah!

I didn't enter this
contest for the prizes.

Keep going.

I only wanted to enjoy
the thrill of competition

for its own sake.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Arnold's,

Ann Louise Milligan!

(cheers and applause)

You mean I... I won?

Yes. Yes, you
sweet thing, you won.

You won! You're Miss Arnold's!

We did it, Rich! We did it!

Sing, Pots, sing!

♪ The most beautiful
girl in the world ♪

♪ Picks my ties out, eats
my candy, drinks my brandy ♪

The most beautiful
girl in the world... ♪

Would you like to
say a few words?

Oh, yes! I'm very happy!

I'm going to go to Hollywood!

I'm going to be a star!

And I'll remember
you all always.

♪ The most beautiful
girl in the world... ♪

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

What about the thrill of
competition for its own sake?

That was acting.

You see, I belong in Hollywood.

I deserved to win.

You mean you want the prizes?

Of course.

When does my plane leave?

♪ The most beautiful
girl in the world ♪

Potsie, will you shut up?

♪ Picks my ties out... ♪

Will you stop singing?

All right, now listen.

About the prizes,

you see, there's been
a little confusion... Yes.

Uh-huh? Yes?

(quietly): There are no prizes.

There are no prizes?

(gasps)

It's a fake!

You three boys tried
to fake beauty contest?

Yeah, yeah, we got to confess.

We faked it, but it
was so we could meet

beautiful girls like you,

and besides, wasn't it fun?

Let's get them!

(screams)

Ho, ho, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Hey... ho!

Now what's going on out here?

I can't hear myself
think in there.

Fonz... they faked us.

And we're going to get them!

(screaming)

Ho, ho, ho... easy.

This contest is no fake.

I know these guys.

It just happens to be that
the, uh, the prizes are, uh,

changed to something
more valuable, that's all.

That's right, that's right.

The prize is now...

a month of dates with the Fonz.

(screaming)

Yeah, right, you get me
for 30 days and 30 nights.

Do with me what you will. Oh!

All right, all right,
hey, hey, hey, hey,

just go wait for me
on my bike, all right?

(squeals) Yeah, right.

(congratulating)

Oh, thanks, Fonz, thanks a lot.

That was really close.

That cowgirl wanted
to string me up.

Can I go to the ladies' room?

RICHIE: Oh, yes, yeah, go ahead,

you played beautifully tonight.

You were wonderful.

Of course.

Well, I think that we learned

some very valuable
lessons here tonight.

We did, Fonz? What
did we learn, Fonz?

The best dishonest laid plans

of mice, men or
nerds usually go awry,

but the Fonz always
comes through, aaayyh!

ANN LOUISE: Fonzie, I'm waiting.

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

All right, listen,

I'll see you guys
in a month, huh?

Oh, the sacrifices
I make for you.

All right, Ann Louise,
your prize is coming.

Aaayyh!

♪ Wa-wa-wa-wah. ♪

I don't understand you.

How could you do
something like that?

You know a lot of those
girls' fathers are very upset?

I mean, they've been
calling me up all day long.

One of them even threatened
to punch me right in the nose.

You've embarrassed
your whole family,

you made a fool out of yourself.

You're going to be
punished for this.

You are grounded for two weeks.

And for what, a couple of dates?

A few good times?

Looking at a lot of
girls in bathing suits,

was all that worth it?

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪