Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 3, Episode 14 - Tell It to the Marines - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

(saxophone solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪



♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a live audience.

Who are you going to be taking

to the Goalpost Dance
tonight? I don't know.

I think I'm going to
go stag, you know,

pick up Sherry or Arlene
or someone like that.

Okay, okay, I got it.

What do you got?

Lady Chatterley's Lover.

No kidding?

How'd you get that? It's
only available in Europe.

My uncle's a sailor.

He smuggled it over in
the bottom of a parrot cage.

Oh, wow.

Get over here!

All right, all right, okay.

You've already read it? Yeah.

Is it as good as they say?

Mm...!

Let's see a good part.

Right. Oh!

Who tore out the pages?

That's sick, Ralph.
That's very sick.

Yeah?

Where I come from,
it's called funny.

Well, then you
better go back there.

(laughs)

(mocking): Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Well, at least Olivia
appreciates my sense of humor.

Maybe you guys would
do bigger with chicks

if you'd try it sometime.

Well, there's Olivia. Why don't
you show her your funny book?

She saw it already.

She had to fight to
keep from laughing.

Hi, Olivia!

Listen, I want to surprise her.

It's our anniversary.

We've been going
together two weeks.

Oh, two weeks.

It's lasted that long?

Sure, she's having a ball.

Oh, yeah, you just

really make her laugh,
huh, Malph? Right.

Okay, okay, call her over.

Oh, Ralph, you're going to
make a fool out of yourself.

Me a fool?

Oh, she loves this stuff.

Call her over. Call her over.

All right.

Olivia, come here, will ya?

Now be nice, guys.

This could be the
future Mrs. Malph.

Hi, guys.

Hello, Ralph.

Ha, cha-cha-cha.

Hey, listen, I've been
looking for you all over.

We need to talk.

Yeah, right. Come
on, Potsie. Let's go.

Yeah, we'll see
you. We'll see you.

No, don't go.

Whatever the big "O" has to say,

she can say in
front of my friends.

Okay, Toots, fire away!

Ralph, please, it's personal.

Well, go ahead.
We're all persons.

Okay, Ralph.

I don't ever want to
go out with you again.

I'm really sorry, Ralph.

What sorry?

She's been doing
that joke all morning.

I'll be right back.

What do you think, Rich?

I think we just met the
former future Mrs. Malph.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

He's gonna do his
Groucho Marx. It never fails.

Don't say anything.

Pretend we didn't see.

All right, all right, all right.

Pretend we didn't see.

Okay, all right.

She was a little upset.

She seemed to be a little upset.

She doesn't know what to
wear to the dance tonight.

That can be a problem...

She'll work it out.

It's hard to find a good dress.

I want to go fix my cigar.

Get out of here! I
want to be alone!

Hey, Malph, you got ten seconds

to decide whether you want
to die with your hat on or off!

Go ahead, Fonz! Cream me!

Who would care? My life's over!

Beat my face in!

Hey, do I detect a note of
depression here in the air?

Olivia Hunsecker dumped me.

The girl of my dreams
crushed my cigar.

Look at that face.

Is this an ugly face?

Listen, Malph, I got
very high standards.

I know why Olivia
dumped me. I know why.

It's the curse of the redheads.

What are you talking about?

I've got bright red
hair and freckles.

It's not even red. It's orange.

I've got orange hair.

Yuck!

Fonz, girls hate guys with
orange hair and freckles.

You ever see Howdy
Doody with a date?

I'm going to join the
French Foreign Legion.

All right, now, come on,
Malph. Don't kid yourself.

She didn't dump you
'cause you're a redhead.

I know, I know. You're right.

She didn't appreciate
my sense of humor.

Imagine that.

I even make our minister laugh.

He begs me not to sit up front.

Chicks hate clowns, man.

They don't fall in love and
giggle at the same time.

You know, what you got to
do is you got to be debonair,

sophisticated like, uh, Clark
Gable, The Fonz, Cary Grant.

Fonz, I... I could
never be like you.

Hey, I know, but you got
a good shot at Cary Grant.

I don't know, Fonz.

Cary Grant, Clark
Gable... I'm not that type.

All right, then, try
something sophisticated

like, uh, Ronald
Coleman or Rex Harrison.

Yeah, I am that type.

I can do that. Yeah,
just do me a favor, okay?

Save all your jokes
for the boys, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Fonz, have you ever heard
my Arthur Godfrey impression?

No. Get ready.

How are ya? How
are ya? How are ya?

That's cool.

Thanks, Fonz.

I still got it.

Yeah.

Except I think he
left most of it here.

♪ Wake up, little
Susie, wake up ♪

♪ Wake up, little
Susie, wake up ♪

♪ We've both been sound asleep ♪

♪ Wake up, little
Susie, and weep ♪

♪ The movie's over, it's 4:00,
and we're in trouble deep... ♪

What have you got? Goldfish.

I'm finally going
to beat Ralph to it.

W-Well, let me get some first.

Hey, Fonz.

♪ Ooh-la-la... ♪

What is that swimming
around in that bowl?

Goldfish.

Pretty funny, huh, Fonz?

Will you get 'em out of there?

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
a lovely evening.

Hey, Malph, what's
with the threads?

Somebody die?

Droll, Warren, very droll,

but I'd like to give
you a bit of advice.

Women do not like jokers.

Is this Act Like a Nut Week
or are you putting us on?

Sit on it, Richard.

This... is the new Ralph Malph.

What do you think, Fonz?

Very sophisticated,
Malph, very Rex Harrison.

Thank you, my good man.

Uh, Ralph, uh, would
you like some punch?

Tonight, Ralph Malph...

Who put the goldfish in?

FONZIE: Malph.

Childish, Pots, very childish.

Tonight, Ralph Malph...
The new Ralph Malph...

Is going to use his
newfound charm

to hypnotize Olivia Hunsecker.

Hmm.

There she is.

Observe.

(clears throat)

Olivia, I would like to talk
to you outside for a moment.

Later, Ralph.

I think not!

Hey, let's go outside and watch.

Hey, don't you
have any sensitivity?

Oh, right, Fonz.

Hey, we're going to spy
on 'em from that window.

Get out of here.

Come on.

All right, give me
a blow-by-blow.

All right.

In this corner, wearing
a tweed jacket and pipe,

is the sophisticated and
serious new Ralph Malph.

Hey, that's my boy, yeah.

In the other corner,
wearing no sense of humor,

is Olivia Hunsecker.

Boo, boo... And
there's the bell.

Ralph comes out
smooth by tipping his hat.

All right, if he just
sticks to my plan,

he's got it made in the shade.

Olivia gently takes the hat

and drop-kicks it
across the parking lot.

Oh, my, oh, my, it looks
like Ralph's in trouble.

She's yelling at him.

That's all right. He's just
got to stick to that plan.

He's got to stick to that plan.

It looks like Ralph's
in real trouble now.

Fonz, did your plan include
taking out chattering teeth?

What does Rex Harrison
need with chattering teeth?

I don't know,
Fonz. It's your plan.

Get up there and
tell me about it.

Now he's putting
his pipe in his ear.

Oh, God.

He's putting on the
rubber nose and glasses.

That's it.

And the fright wig.

It's over. Uh-oh,
here they come.

What's the matter?

America was built
on knock-knock jokes.

FONZIE: Malph, will
you get over here?

What is this?

Fonz, I kept saying
"Knock-knock"

and she wouldn't
even say "Who's there?"

Do you know what you just did?

You took one of
my foolproof plans

and in front of all my
fans, man, you made it fail.

I couldn't help it, Fonz.

She yelled at me... and
then she kicked my hat.

I panicked and went
into my old jokes.

(mimicking): "She kicked my hat.

She yelled at me."

You are useless, Malph.

I ain't going to ever
talk to you again.

You're right, Fonz, I am.

I'm useless.

There's only one
thing I'm going to do

and that's going to join
the French Foreign Legion!

The French Foreign Legion!

I haven't seen him this upset

since they cancelled
The Pinky Lee Show.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

Great meal, Mrs. C.

You really got a way with chow.

Oh, thank you.

It's nice having you
to dinner, Potsie.

Well, if, uh,
nobody else is going

to eat this last hamburger...

Oh, thanks, Mr. C.

I'll eat it.

Marion, that's the
sixth one he's had.

Where does he put it?

Well, he's a growing boy.

Why can't he grow at home?

Yes, dear.

Uh, Joanie, start
the dessert, dear.

Richard, why didn't
you invite Ralph?

Oh, I did, but he
didn't want to come.

He broke up with his girlfriend

and he says he never
wants to eat again.

(doorbell rings)

Come in!

Hi, everybody.

ALL: Ralph!

Oh, you did come.

Do you want some dinner?

Yeah, maybe Potsie'll
share his sixth hamburger.

Thanks anyway, Mrs. Cunningham.

Well, at least
have some dessert.

It's strawberry shortcake.

No, I got to start
getting in shape.

In shape for what? The
French Foreign Legion?

All that was
nonsense, kid stuff.

Ralph, you made
the right decision.

You're telling me.

I just enlisted in the
United States Marines.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪

HOWARD: Ralph,
you really enlisted?

RALPH: Well... well, I'm going
down tomorrow, but I'm ready.

In two days I take my physical

and after that, it's official.

I'll be inducted and on my way.

Private Ralph Malph.

Yeah, well, let me tell
you something, Private.

Joining the service is,
is no picnic, you know,

and especially the
branch you're joining.

Yeah, the Marines
are a pretty tough outfit.

Tough? I can take it.

I'll be gone for quite a while.

Hmm.

And Joanie, I guess you'll
be a full-grown woman

when I get back.

Don't get yourself excited.

Oh.

But Ralph, you'll-you'll
miss high school.

And college. What about college?

You'll miss your prom.

Prom? Who's got time to dance?

I'll be dodging bullets, mister.

All right, hold it! I want
to talk to you for a minute.

Sure. Excuse me.

Okay, Rich, a private
good-bye, huh?

Well, don't make it too mushy.

I hate mush.

We're men now.

Oh, Rich, listen, if
I'm missing in action,

will you make sure
they look for me?

I think his brain is
missing in action.

Come on, Rich. Join up with me.

We could start a
redheaded battalion.

N-No!

No, I'm not joining,
and neither are you.

One girl is not that
important, Ralph.

Rich, it's gone far beyond that.

And last night I was guided
by a will greater than ours.

Oh, you-you mean... Fonzie.

Fonzie told you to
join the Marines?

Yeah. So it must
be a great idea.

The Fonz is never wrong.

Well, I'd love to stay
and chat, but I got to run.

It's 1800 hours. 6:00, right?

(imitates grenade exploding)

(hums patriotic tune)

Medals, the whole bit, right?

Oh, Ralph. Ticker tape.

Hi, America.

Listen, Rich,

if you change your
mind about joining,

give me a call.

You're going to miss a
lot of great USO shows.

♪ From the halls
of Montezuma... ♪

JOANIE: Well, what happened?

Where's Ralph?

Gone to sign up.

He was guided by a
will greater than ours.

(gasps) You-You mean... Fonzie.

Fonzie talked Ralph
into joining the Marines?

Oh, sure. Fonzie could talk
Ralph into doing anything.

Then Fonzie can
talk him out of it.

Yeah. Yeah, you
know, you're right.

I... I'm going to go
down to Arnold's

and talk to Fonzie about this.

Sunday. Arnold's is closed.

Yeah, I know, but, uh,
one day out of the year,

Arnold always lets
Fonzie use the place

to take his Christmas
card pictures.

You know.

I'll see you later.

Well, I certainly hope

he can talk some
sense into Ralph.

Me, too.

Oh come on,
Joanie. Let's clean up.

Uh, Marion?

(sighs)

Why is he still here?

I don't know, dear.

Do you want me to ask him?

Never mind.

(sighs)

Potsie, uh,

you have anything
planned for tonight?

Oh, I'm free this evening.

What do you want to do?

Oh, gee whiz.

I got to help Marion
with the dishes.

I'm free tomorrow night, too.

(dishes breaking)

♪ ♪

(camera shutter clicks)

Okay, okay, now it's your
turn to sit on Santa's lap.

Hey, you take the pictures.

Hey, hey, hey, we
know it's your camera.

She ain't gonna hurt
it. Huh? Come on.

Atta girl, come here.

Fonz, can I talk to
you for a minute?

Hey, later. I'm taking
my Christmas pictures.

All right, now, listen.
You two change places.

Come here, my little elf.

This is important, Fonz.

The Fonz's Christmas
pictures ain't important?

This is the way I bring my joy

and glad tidings to the world.

(camera shutter clicking)

Fonz, I got to talk to you.

Ralph came over
to my place and...

Look at this:
you're in the picture.

All right, now, if you're
going to be in the picture,

will you turn around and smile?

All right, smile.

That's cool. All right.

(camera shutter clicking)

All right, now
what's so important?

Well, Ralph came over to
my place, you see, and...

Smile.

(camera shutter clicking)

Well, you see, Fonz,
it's like this. Yeah?

Ralph's about to throw
his life in the garbage.

Yeah... What do you mean?

Okay, now profile.
Everybody, profile.

(camera shutter clicking)

He's joining the Marines.

Yeah, I know that, I know that.

Okay, now, everybody smile
and wave. Smile and wave.

(camera shutter clicking)

Fonz, I got to tell you,

I really think you
did a bad thing.

I mean, I really
think you blew it.

Hey, what do you
mean, I blew it?

What do you mean I blew it?

Will you stop waving?

Now, go over there and
switch hats or something.

Get over here.

Now, what do you
mean, I blew it?

Did you tell Ralph
to join the Marines?

Well, he came over to my place

talking about the French
Foreign Legion, right?

I told him it was a
silly idea. I agree.

Yeah. I mean, he'd
look dumb in that hat.

The Marines, on
the other hand...

That's a cool uniform.

You told him that?

Yeah, I also told him

the Marines do very
good with chicks, too.

So what? So he
decided to enlist.

Well, it might do him some good.

Rocky Baruffi enlisted,
came out a man.

Yeah, but what did Rocky
Baruffi give up when he enlisted?

How little you know, man.

He was a Warlord.

Three chicks, a great bike.

There's not much
future in being a Warlord.

I mean, that doesn't look
good on a job application.

Ralph was going
to go to college.

He was going to learn
how to be a dentist.

Oh, yeah? Well, I guess
then, he blew it, huh?

We learn from our mistakes.

Oh, come on, Fonz. You
got to do something about this.

I am. I'm taking my
Christmas pictures.

All right girls, let's
go. Oh... Fonz...

Hey, Rich, Ralph
just called your house.

What's up? His father
won't let him enlist.

Turned him down flat. Oh.

Yeah. You see that?

Nobody blew it. Here we go.

But he's not going
to give up that easy.

He's running away
tonight to Chicago to enlist.

He says he's going to do
what the Fonz told him to.

But, listen, I better get back.

Mr. C's going to miss me.

All right. All right,
you see that, Fonz?

Now this is your responsibility.

Hey, I don't see nothing.

He brought up the
Marines; I just agreed.

Ralph takes your word
on everything, Fonz.

Well, he shows good judgment.

Nobody can talk
him out of anything

if he thinks you're
on his side, Fonz.

Nobody except you.

You're in the picture again.

Would you turn around and smile?

No, no, I'm not going to smile.

I'm not going to wave.

This is too important.

What am I supposed to do?

Talk to him.

Talk him out of
joining the Marines.

Just say to him,
"Ralph, I was wrong."

Wrong? The Fonz is wrong?

You got to, Fonz.

I don't got to do nothing.

But I'll tell you what. I
mean, I'll think about it. Ha.

I'm even going to
have to practice this.

Ralph, I was wr...

All right.

Just kind of stuck in my
throat there, stuck in my throat.

Ralph, look, I was wr...

I was not!

Fonz, if you don't talk
to him before tonight,

this thing is going to be on
your conscience, all right?

Merry Christmas.
Yeah, Merry Christmas.

All right, girls, let's go.

Hey, Dolores, uh, go
up on the chimney there

and, uh, slide down, will you?

Here we go. Come here, yeah.

And what do you
want for Christmas?

Aaayyh!

(camera shutter clicking)

I gave that to you last year.

What are you...?

♪ ♪

Hey, Malph.

Oh, Fonz, I was
just writing you a note

'cause I want you to take
care of my car while I'm away.

Yeah, look, uh, I've been
looking all over for you, Malph.

Don't get mad, Fonz. I'll
store it someplace else.

No, no, it has nothing
to do with the car.

Now, what is this, um,
you're going to Chicago?

That's right. I'm
running away to enlist

'cause my father wouldn't
give me permission.

He says I should
wait till after college

so I can go in as an officer.

Now, that's no way to
become a man, right, Fonz?

Yeah, well, I think we
better talk about this, uh,

your joining the
Marine business here.

Yeah, Fonz. Yeah.

I really want to thank
you for that. Uh-huh.

When I came to see you
yesterday, I was a lost sheep.

After that thing with Olivia,
I didn't know what to do.

But if the Fonz says I
belong in the Marines,

then the Marines it is.

'Cause I know the Fonz would
never give anyone a bum steer.

Yeah.

Hey, um, what are
these posters for?

Oh, I'm keeping those.

I'm taking them
with me. Oh, yeah?

A little Marilyn Monroe,
a little Sandra Dee, huh?

No, Fonz. Much better.

This is my W.C. Fields.
This is my Marx Brothers.

What's this third one here?

Oh, forget that, Fonz.

Really. I mean, it's not...

I figured I'd hang
it in the barracks

and cheer up the guys.

Malph, you're not going to
hang these up in any barracks

'cause you're not going
to join the Marines.

Just take all of this
stuff home, okay?

But, Fonzie, not join?

I'm all packed.

You told me it was
the right thing to do.

Look, I know what
I told you to do,

but when I told you
to do that, I was wr...

Ralph, I was wr...

I was not exactly right.

What do you mean, not right?

I mean... not right.

I don't get you.

You mean you were wrong?

Mmm.

Yeah, that's right, Malph.

I was what you just
said I was just then, yeah.

Wrong?

The Fonz wrong?

Malph, look,

there is a first time
for everything, huh?

I don't understand, Fonz.

How could you be wrong
about a thing like that?

No. I don't understand
it myself, Ralph.

I don't understand it myself.

I was under a lot of pressure.

I was under a lot of cars, too.

Two of them were Edsels.

Maybe the pressure was
getting to me. I don't know.

No, Fonzie.

You might have been
under a lot of cars,

but you weren't wrong.

You were right. Oh!

Everything you said
about me was true.

I'm useless around here.

I got to join.

Everybody hates me.

I'll see you.

Malph!

I didn't tell you
why I was, uh...

Wrong? (mutters)

I didn't tell you why you
shouldn't join the Marines.

And why shouldn't I go, Fonz?

I mean, tell me.

Because if you
join the Marines...

I'm gonna miss you.

You would miss me?

But, Fonz, you're
always telling me

to get lost and to sit on it.

You even told me I was useless.

Ralphie, don't you
know when I'm joshing?

You're one of my best buddies.

Really? I am?

I am?

How come?

Yeah, how come?

Uh... because you are so funny.

That's it: 'cause
you're so funny, Malph.

Really, Fonz? Are
you on the level?

Hey, look at my life:

I got girls. I got cars.
I got girls. I got bikes.

I got girls, I got girls. Yeah.

I mean, I need something to
break up the monotony. Me?

Yeah. I mean the way that
you do that Arthur Godfrey.

How are ya? How
are ya? How are ya?

Aaayyh!

You're gonna deprive the
Fonz of a laugh like that?

No, Fonz, no. I would never
want to deprive you, never.

That's right. So I tell you
what you're going to do.

You're going to
stay right here, huh?

And there's something else
you've got to know, Ralph.

There's something
else you got to know.

Just 'cause you didn't
tickle a girl's funny bone

don't mean your
whole life is wrong.

You just find a chick
that's going to, uh, respond

to your sense of humor.

Just pick up your bag,
put it in the car, drive home,

and I will see you
tomorrow, okay?

Okay, Fonz. Just one more thing.

Yeah, what?

I want you to have this.

Malph... I am touched.

Listen, I'm just gonna
go and lock up, okay?

Okay.

Buddy.

Buddy.

Fonz? Fonz? Yeah.

How are ya? How
are ya? How are ya?

You're the greatest.

♪ ♪

Well, you really came
through for Ralph, Fonz.

Yeah, well, I want
to tell you something.

I still don't think I
did anything wr...

I can't say that word.

(giggling)

Oh, God. Oh.

What's so funny?

It's that new girl, Sheila.

She's the funniest
girl I've ever met.

She's a riot!

(laughter)

Hey, Fonz, guys,
I wanted to just...

(slow instrumental
love song plays)

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪