Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 1, Episode 16 - Be the First on Your Block - full transcript

(Bill Haley and the Comets) ♪ One,
two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock

♪ Five, six, seven
o'clock, eight o'clock rock

♪ Nine, ten, eleven
o'clock, twelve o'clock rock

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ Put your glad
rags on, join me, hon

♪ We'll have some fun
when the clock strikes one

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

♪ When the clock
strikes two, three, and four

♪ If the band slows
down, we'll yell for more



♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

(guitar solo)

♪ When the chimes
ring five, six, and seven

♪ We'll be right
in seventh heaven

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

♪ When the clock strikes
twelve, we'll cool off then

♪ Start a-rockin'
'round the clock again

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight ♪



Yeah. OK, Ernie,
that'll be just fine.

We'll see you in a
few minutes. Bye-bye.

Marion, Joanie, we're going
to have a family meeting.

Good. I like when
we do things together.

Richie, come on
down, front and center.

I hate family meetings.

I always end up losing
part of my allowance.

Chuck's not here.

Well, I'll be his proxy, Marion.

He's not much help, anyway.

He's always bouncing
his basketball.

Will you put that away, please!

What's going on?

We're having a family meeting.

I hope it's your
allowance and not mine.

Whose allowance is it, Howard?

It's nobody's allowance.

Now will you all
please just sit down?

Could we hurry, Dad?

Arnold just got back
from Los Angeles.

He's gonna have his waitresses
start wearing roller skates.

I can't wait to see
Marsha on roller skates.

Well, you'll have to
see Marsha tomorrow.

But she might do some of
her funniest falling tonight.

Now that we're all seated,

the meeting will
please come to order.

I tell you, I'm innocent!

This is not a trial, Joanie!

Now, look... the reason
I called you all here

is because... well,
any minute now,

a salesman is going
to come in here.

What kind of salesman?

We're buying a new house?

What's wrong with this house?

We don't have enough
closet space, Howard.

Life would be so pleasant

if we just had
enough closet space.

No, we're not buying
a new house, Marion.

A new car! That'd be cool!

No, it's not a new
car, new closet space,

or cool.

Well, what, then?

Well, it's something that
I've been thinking about

for a long time,
ever since I saw

Edward R. Murrow's
program about the Cold War,

and it didn't sound good.

And then, one day,

this salesman came into
my store with this brochure,

and... well, tonight,
he's coming here.

What does he sell?

He sells... bomb shelters.

Bomb shelters?

Let's not talk about that
in front of the children.

It'll just frighten them.

Now, listen, Marion,

the Russians now have the bomb,

and they could
decide to drop it on us.

The Cold War is a fact of life,

and everyone,
including our children,

have got to live with it.

Look, I'm not trying
to scare anyone.

I'm merely trying
to protect my family.

Can we afford a bomb shelter?

Well... we do have our funds

for that vacation trip
to Carlsbad Caverns.

Phooey!

Double phooey, dear!

Who wants to blow
our whole vacation fund

on a... a hole in the ground?

What's Carlsbad Caverns
but a hole in the ground?

(doorbell rings)

That's him. What
am I going to tell him?

I vote no! I'm against it, too.

Tell him no, dear, but
try not to hurt his feelings.

Even bomb-shelter
salesmen have feelings.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

Mr. Cunningham.
Good to see you again.

Hey, you have a
lovely house here.

Thank you.

Marion, Richard, Joanie,
this is Mr. Marianetti.

Ah, the whole
family. Good, good.

Son... big boy...

lovely daughter,
and, of course, mom.

Nice to meet you all.

First of all, I want
you to call me Ernie.

I'm a very informal
person. OK? Good.

And, uh, may I call you Herbert?

I don't like Herbert.
My name is Howard.

I'm sorry. I'm very
bad on names.

I thought salesmen
were good at names.

What a cute kid.

You're not a kid at all.

Why... why, you're
almost a teenager.

Yeah!

Heh-heh.

Aren't you gonna tell him, Dad?

I'll tell him, Richard,

but it doesn't hurt to
hear what he has to say.

Now, why don't we all, uh, sit

where we usually sit?

Um, Howard, where
do you usually sit?

I sit there.

Of course! Pop
sits right over here.

And you want to be
right near Pop, right?

Down there, big boy.

Mom, sit next to Miss
Almost-Little-Teenager.

OK?

I'm going to hand you
out these brochures.

Let's get a greenie for you.

Match that beautiful
t-shirt you got there.

Howard, blue one for you.

And a blue one.
Like father, like son.

Now, we'll start out
with the deluxe model.

It's a 2-foot concrete
wall all around

with a complete inside
shielding of solid lead.

To tell you the truth...
Too expensive, huh?

Why don't we try
the standard model?

It's the same dimensions,

same safety features,
except for the lead.

Ernie, before you came
in, we took another vote

and decided against
buying the shelter.

Okey-dokey. It's
entirely up to you.

Look, I-I hope we
haven't wasted your time.

Howard, it's never
a waste of time

to meet a nice family.

You're not gonna
try harder to sell us?

Richie, what I'm
trying to sell you

is something for your own good.

I used to be a patio
furniture salesman,

and I admit, I was
quite a hustler.

But this is something
that I honestly believe in.

You just don't hard-sell safety.

You really think
there'll be a need for it?

Margaret, if I didn't...
No, my name's...

No, don't tell me.
Um, um... Martha.

No, Marg... no. Uh, Minnie.

Oh, please, let me help you.

No, I've got it.
Uh, Marcia. Mitzi.

Oh, you better help me.

Marion.

No, that's not it. Yes, it is.

Oh, of course it is!
I was just kidding!

No, I honestly believe
what Edward R...

Murrow.

Murrow said.

Do you have your
own bomb shelter?

Of course I do, Howard.

You know, Howie,

I like to think of my
little bomb shelter

as sort of a personal,
little secret message

to Nikita Khrushchev
that the good old U.S. of A.

Is not gonna be pushed around.

Well, I'm all for that.

Right. Just think
about it a minute.

It's very possible that
in case of nuclear attack,

there are going to be very
few survivors left around here

to repopulate
this beautiful town.

Joanie, I think you
should leave the room.

It's just getting interesting.

I'd like to try repopulating.

Richard...

Dad, I just wanna do my
part as a good American.

♪ Bye-bye, love...
Oh, be careful!

Must be an easier way.

Oh... watch out, everybody!

Ohh!

Marsh, think you're ready
for the roller derby yet?

Oh, why did Arnold have
to go to Los Angeles?

If he'd gone to Atlantic City,

I'd be pushed around
in a boardwalk cart.

I'm not an athletic
lady, you know.

That's for sure.

This is as far as I go, fellas.

If you want your French
fries, you come over here.

Ha-ha.

Mail me a tip.

Girls, we got to have a meeting.

It's better than Sid Caesar!

It sure is!

Say, Rich, no snow...

Are you really gonna
build a bomb shelter

right in your backyard?

Well, it's not all set,
but it's pretty certain.

My dad's got the
plans and everything.

Boy, have you got it m-a-d-e.

It'll be a great place
to take the chicks!

(laughing) Oh, wait.

I don't think that's exactly
what my dad has in mind.

But what your dad don't
know won't hurt him.

Heh-heh.

Heh-heh.

Say, Rich, I'm your
best friend, right?

Sure.

Then you got my spot in
the bomb shelter reserved?

I don't know, Potsie... What
do you mean you don't know?!

What would life be like
without your best friend?

Loneliness, guilt,
desperation...

All right, OK, OK.

But don't mention it
to everybody, all right?

Don't tell everybody
I got a bomb shelter.

I understand. Got
to keep out the riffraff.

Heh-heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh.

Hey, Fonz!

Hey, Fonz.

Hi, Fonzie.

What is goin' on here?

I just got sideswiped
by a hit-and-run waitress.

Hey, Rich, you think
we should tell Fonz?

Oh, Potsie...

Tell me what? Nothin', nothin'.

Hey, uh, it sounds like

you're tryin' to keep a
secret from the Fonz.

That makes me feel like, uh,

you're not a true friend, Rich.

Well... we're just, uh,

putting a bomb
shelter in our backyard.

That's it? I thought it
was somethin' important.

Don't you ever worry about
'em droppin' the big one?

Hey, you live fast,
you die young,

you leave a good-lookin' corpse.

Hey, that's cool.

Nick Romano said that
in Knock On Any Door.

I think... I said it better.

Here, let me help you, Marsh.

No! Don't touch my body!

No! Richie!

Hey, there's Jennifer.

She just had a date with Louis.

Let's find out if it's true
what they say about him!

(♪ "Tequila")

Hey, Rich, let me
see you a minute.

What's new?

Nothin'. Absolutely
nothin'. Nothin's new.

Don't panic. I believe you.

Richard, in this hand,

I have two tickets to
the rock 'n' roll show.

It's Bill Haley, here we come!

Aw, that's crummy!

I didn't think you were gonna
be able to get the tickets,

and I didn't even get a date.

Why don't you ask
Carole Akron over there?

Oh, no, no.

What's the matter?

She's a hot chick.
Her ears are pierced.

I've asked her out a few times,

and she always says no.

So what? Susie said
no to me for two months.

But now, she's
going out with me.

I had to get down on my
knees and beg before she would.

Oh, why would you want to beg?

If you've ever been
kissed by Susie,

you'd never have to ask.

If she just used one
lip, it would be worth it.

Well, uh, I-I don't think
she's the begging type.

To each his own.

Hey!

(giggling)

Potsie's moving in
on my Susie! Ohh!

Hey, hey, Susie!

Richie, can I chew the
fat with ya a minute?

Well, sure, Carole.

Kinda privately?

Oh. Wanna go in the photo booth?

No, here's all right.

Oh. That's what I figured.

Potsie said you
had a bomb shelter.

Oh, no, no, that's just a rumor.

See, my dad
talked about it once,

but, uh, we don't
have a bomb shelter.

It's just... Potsie's
sense of humor.

No bomb shelter.

(dejectedly) Oh.

But I was wondering
if you're free

for, uh, this Friday.

Well, not exactly.
I have three dates.

Three dates is not exactly?

I can't decide
who to go out with.

Well, I have a couple of tickets

to the rock 'n' roll show.

Rock 'n' roll show?

Yeah.

Yep. I think it's Cootie.

Well, nice chewin'
the fat with ya, Richie.

I have a bomb shelter.

You said you didn't.

Well... come here.

See, uh, I'm tryin'
to keep it a secret.

I don't want everybody
to know about it.

Just... somebody
special like you.

Gee.

I never went out

with anybody with a
bomb shelter before.

The closest I ever came

was when I got stuck in the
elevator with Ziggy Wilson.

Well, before the concert,

I could take you to my backyard

and show you where
we're gonna build it.

Heh.

Yeah. I'll go with you!

I-I'll see you Friday, then.

OK.

Heh.

Heh-heh.

(girls laugh)

Hey, Rich, you know
what you can do for me?

You can save me a
place in that shelter.

Potsie, I ought to give
you a knuckle sandwich!

Why? Fonzie told him!

Why don't you give
him a knuckle sandwich?

I guess we have enough
room for one more.

Great.

Rich, watch out!

I said no pickles!

♪ If you sing this melody

♪ You'll be
pretending, just like me...

Let's come up for air.

OK, but just for a short break.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I got my cufflink
caught in your hair.

I'm sorry.

Boy, that was some
rock 'n' roll show, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Tell me more about the shelter.

Oh. Well, uh...

did you ever think that
ours is the first generation

to grow up with the bomb?

No, I never thought that.

Well, it's made our
generation different,

more serious.

Not that I don't
like having fun,

but, you know, uh,

more responsible
to future generations.

Future generations?

Well, yeah.

Just suppose that-that you and I

were in the bomb shelter.

And it happened!
Am I scaring you?

No.

Oh.

Well, then afterwards,

you and I would
have the responsibility

of, uh, of rebuilding,

of repopulating
this entire... town.

Richie?

Hmm?

If I were going with someone,

and things were...
well... serious...

Yeah?

Could I bring a
date to the shelter?

Cootie has a color TV.

The food shelves are
gonna go right here,

the beds are gonna be here,

and the toilet is
gonna be right here.

Where's the door? Right here.

Don't you think we should move
the bathroom somewhere else,

so when people drop in, it
won't be the first thing they see?

Marion, we're not trying to get
into Better Homes and Gardens.

We're trying to survive
a nuclear attack.

I know, but we can
survive with good taste.

Then put the the toilet
wherever you want.

Good. Now, what color scheme

did you have in mind?

I thought I'd bring Hugo out now

so I wouldn't forget him later.

Joanie, look, I'm
sorry, but Hugo is out.

He's non-essential.

But he sleeps with me.

Couldn't you sleep with
something smaller? No.

Then try sucking your thumb.

Howard.

This wasn't my idea.

I wanted to go to
Carlsbad Caverns.

Come here.

Now, listen, sweetheart,

I know that all of this
isn't much fun for you,

but someday, when we
come out of this shelter

and find that the whole
world has been destroyed,

you're gonna thank me.

Did what I say make sense?

No, but don't
worry about it, dear.

You're her father, and
she doesn't expect you

to make sense all the time.

Oh, Howard, it's
5 minutes to 12.

Coming!

Where's my helmet? What helmet?

My civil-defense helmet. I
want to wear it for the drill.

Where are the kids?
Richard! Joanie!

Where did I put that helmet?

You want me to look for it?

There's something I
better tell you about the drill.

Everybody, just listen up.

I want you to act like
this is any other Saturday.

Just do what you normally do.

Well, what are you all
standing around for?

Marion, get in the kitchen
and cook or something.

That's silly, Howard.

The drill's in three minutes.

Can't you pretend
you don't know that?

I'll just pretend
I'm cooking a roast.

I really have something
I have to talk...

Richard, not now.

I want everybody to
go about their business

as if nothing happened.

Well, go! Go!

I'm going to look for my helmet.

I'm gonna take Hugo.

Oh, here's your helmet, Howard!

Heya, Rich! Hi, Mrs. C., squirt.

Potsie, what are you doing here?

During a drill,

you go where you'd
go for the real thing.

You said I could.

Hey, guys. Rich.

I hope I'm not late. Am
I? I brought Susie along.

Listen, Rich, um, I'm
asking her to go steady,

so I had to bring her, you know?

Ralph, I did not say...

Oh, come on. What's
wrong? Let's go!

OK! Ha-ha!

What's the matter with you guys?

You never saw a
motorcycle before?

I'll be right back. Uh,
excuse me, Fonzie.

Go knock yourself out.

Richard, there are
people in my bomb shelter.

I know, Dad. That's what
I was trying to tell you.

Through a series of
misunderstandings...

I know they're friends of
yours, but they can't stay here.

Would you mind
breaking the news to them?

Because I don't want
to hurt their feelings.

Sure, Richard.

All right, everybody out!

(Potsie) But I was invited!

I'm canceling the invitation!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

If the bomb drops on your
car, don't bring it to my garage.

We're still going
steady, aren't we?

We could crouch in my basement.

If Hugo goes, I go!

Some best friend!

Potsie, let me try to explain.

Well, I had to do it, Marion.

It's our shelter, and
it's a matter of survival.

I understand, dear.

(whispering) Howard, who is
that man standing behind us?

(whispers) I thought
he was a friend of yours.

I thought he was
a friend of yours.

No, dummy, if you
wear the knot in front,

it means you're available.

This means you're goin' steady.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, you guys
mind if I sit here?

Uh, not at all.

Oh, thanks.

We were just leaving.

Fast.

Hey, Richie,

I heard about the
gang not talking to you

on account of the bomb shelter.

Don't worry about it.

Take it from me.

I've lived with
pain and loneliness

most of my life.

After a while,
you get used to it.

Hey... this is on the house.

Dad, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Sure, Richard, I'm all ears.

Good, 'cause I'd like to
have another family meeting

about this bomb shelter thing.

That's a good idea because
I'm still trying to decide

whether we should stay
with the standard model

or move up to the deluxe.

That wasn't exactly
what I had in mind.

Well, we'll talk
about it. Marion!

Another family meeting?
That's two in one week.

No wonder I'm so
nervous all the time!

Dad, what I wanted
to talk about...

Can I be excused?

No!

Howard, Pauline
Saxon just called.

She wants to know if we
have room in our shelter.

I hope you told her no.

I said if an opening
comes up, I'll call her.

Marion, you can't
tell everybody that!

But they're our neighbors.

The whole world is our neighbor.

Should we invite
the whole world in?

Family meetings are no fun!

You can be excused!

Good.

I still vote for
Carlsbad Caverns.

Dad, the way I figure it is,

if they drop the bomb,
then I won't have any friends,

and if they don't drop the
bomb, I won't have any friends.

So what good is
this bomb shelter?

That's an interesting question.

What's your answer, Howard?

I'll tell you what good it is.

If you sit in it, you
have peace of mind!

While all your friends
are pounding on the door?

The discussion is over.
We're going to take a vote.

Marion, you still want
the shelter, don't you?

Oh, Joanie's making
more sense all the time.

OK, then, we won't take a vote!

Certain decisions
have to be made

by the head of the
house, and that is me!

I guess the family
discussion is over.

I guess it is.

I'll go in my room and think
about what it's gonna be like

with no friends for
the rest of my life.

I'll call Mother and tell
her she's on her own.

Being the head of the
house is a lonely job.

(air-raid siren wailing)

(siren fades)

Hi, Dad.

Please use the door.

I seem to be here all alone.

I know.

We had a little family
meeting of our own.

We voted not to survive.

I see.

Dad, I don't understand
what's happening.

You're a nice guy

who's talking about trying
to lock his friends out.

In the words of Leo Durocher,
"Nice guys finish last."

In an atomic war, does
anybody finish first?

Are you telling me that
living through a bomb

isn't worth losing
a few friends?

Dad, we figured that
if things come down

to somebody dropping the bomb...

then we'd rather live
now than survive later.

You understand?

I guess you understand.

Richard... what do
you think of a man

who gets so carried
away by his own fears

that, uh... he forgets
about other people?

I'd say he's human.

♪ Wah ♪ Wah-wah-wah-wa-aah

♪ Wah-wah-wah-wah ♪

1, 2, 3.

Gotta go.

Pin.

(laughter)

Ladies and gentlemen,
the world champion!

Hey, cool it.

I'm retiring as champ.

Oh, right, Fonz. Gotcha, Fonz.

He's retiring as champ.
Let's go. Break it up.

Come on, split.

Go write a letter.

Hiya, guys. Cunningham.

Hi, Rich. Rich.

Hey, I hear your bomb
shelter ain't no more.

Yeah, your bomb shelter
turned into a bomb.

Ha-ha-ha.

(Potsie) Funny
as a crutch, Ralph.

I'm ahead of my time.

Right.

My dad decided to use the money

to take us on a trip
to Carlsbad Caverns.

Carlsbad Caverns?
That sounds neat!

I don't take up much space.

You can take me along, right?

I never saw a stalagmite before.

I'll see you guys later, OK?

Wait! Wait!

♪ Happy days ♪

♪ Hello, sunshine goodbye, rain

♪ She's wearin' my
school ring on her chain

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can

♪ This day is ours
♪ Won't you be mine?

♪ These happy days
♪ This day is ours

♪ Oh, please be
mine ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ Happy days ♪