Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 1, Episode 15 - Knock Around the Block - full transcript

(Bill Haley and the Comets) ♪ One,
two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock

♪ Five, six, seven
o'clock, eight o'clock rock

♪ Nine, ten, eleven
o'clock, twelve o'clock rock

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ Put your glad
rags on, join me, hon

♪ We'll have some fun
when the clock strikes one

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

♪ When the clock
strikes two, three, and four

♪ If the band slows
down, we'll yell for more



♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

(guitar solo)

♪ When the chimes
ring five, six, and seven

♪ We'll be right
in seventh heaven

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

♪ When the clock strikes
twelve, we'll cool off then

♪ Start a-rockin'
'round the clock again

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight ♪



♪ You ain't nothin'
but a hound dog...

(Ralph) It's a regular box
with a hole in the bottom.

Now, I put the cotton
in. This is great!

Now, you put the finger
through, just like that.

(Richie) Oh, ho-ho-ho!

How's that?

That's great!

Looks like a dead finger.

Just a little ketchup,
looks like blood.

Watch this.

Hey, guys.

Shh!

What are you doin'?

Shh!

Ralph's gettin'
ready to pull a prank.

Here comes Marsha.
She's gonna scream!

Cherry phosphate
for the "clean" liver,

and a double sundae for the kid

whose teeth must be
rotting right out of his head.

Marsha, some of the guys felt

that since you've
been putting up with us

so unselfishly,

we feel that you
deserve a little present.

So we all chipped
in to get you this.

OK. What is it?

Ha!

No, thanks. I just
had a big lunch.

You're not as funny as
you used to be, Ralph.

You can't hit every time.

Was Milton Berle
funny last night?

Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't think so.

♪ You ain't never
caught a rabbit

♪ and you ain't
no friend of mine

♪ You ain't nothin'
but a hound dog

♪ Cryin' all the time

♪ You ain't nothin'
but a hound... dog... ♪

Can we have your attention?

The Dukes! What
are they doin' here?

They probably ran
out of people to beat up

in their own neighborhood.

I hear whispering.

This is Frankie Malina,
supreme leader of the Dukes,

here on business.

I'm lookin' for a
redheaded kid...

He's lookin' for a
redheaded kid...

who was on our turf.

Who was on our turf.

Were you on our turf today?

Oh, no, not me.

I'd never go in
that neighborhood.

Not that there's anything
wrong with it. It's nice.

Nice trees, nice streets...
Nice neighborhood.

How 'bout you, red? Were
you on Duke turf today?

I guess so.

(murmuring) Frankie,
there's your pigeon.

I had to run an errand.

Did you meet a girl
there and walk her home?

Just a little girl.

Some kids were picking on her,
so I stopped it, and I took her home,

but I don't even know her name.

My name's Frankie Malina.

I'm Richie Cunningham.

That was my kid
sister you took care of.

I wanted to say thanks.

And I owe you one.

You're welcome on
Duke turf anytime.

Thanks. Thanks.

Hey, punk, that
your school ring?

Yeah.

That's nice. Let me see it.

Yeah, that's nice.

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Are they gone?

Yeah, Ralph. You can
pull your cap up now.

They're not so tough.

They're lucky I
didn't lose my temper!

If I had, it'd been
too bad for 'em!

Right. You can take your hand
out of the sundae now, Potsie.

I can't eat that
now! You eat it!

Anyway, Rich, I'll
tell you one thing...

You made yourself
a good friend today.

Yeah, Frankie Malina's
not such a bad guy.

He's a hood! He hangs around the
pool hall with a bunch of tough guys.

And you know they've all
been in trouble with the police?

Yeah, but, Dad,
maybe it's not his fault.

Maybe he's just
a victim of society.

Frankie Malina is the leader
of the Dukes voluntarily.

Society did not hold an
election to vote him into office.

What are you doing, Marion?

Did somebody call me?

What are you doing
in the garbage can?

Oh, cleaning it, dear.
You missed a spot.

It doesn't have to be
spotless. It's just a garbage can!

Well, not to the garbage men.

It's their livelihood.

I'll tell you what... when they
stop running over our lids,

I'll gift-wrap the
garbage. That's nice, dear.

Dad, I'm telling you...

Frankie Malina is not that bad.

He even told me
he owes me a favor.

Yeah, he's gonna let you choose

which arm he's gonna break.

What are we arguing
for? He's a hoodlum!

(Potsie) Hey, Rich.
Hi, Mr. C. Hi, Mrs. C.

Potsie, tell Dad.

Didn't you think Frankie
was an all-right guy?

Oh, yeah! He was a real pal...

right up to the time he and
his friends stole my bike.

Maybe we should call the police.

No, that'd be like squealing.

I don't wanna be known
as "Potsie, the squealer."

You'd rather be known

as "Potsie, the
kid without a bike"?

How about buying your bike back?

Buy my own bike.

Maybe you could get
a good deal. It's used.

There's gotta be a better way.

Maybe if we said pretty
please with sugar on top.

There's only one
thing they understand...

Brute force.

Somebody ought to
teach those guys a lesson.

No violence while I'm serving.

Move the books.

Double malt, rainbow sprinkles.

Fighting's no good.
Guys can get hurt.

I can get hurt.

Somebody should just
ask for the bike back.

They might listen to reason.

Double burger, no onions.

It may be worth a try.

Come on! Who's the
kid with good breath?

That's mine.

I should have known.

Richie's right...

Someone should try
to reason with them.

Ralph will lend you his car.

Why should I be the one?

It was your idea. Besides, you're
best buddies with their leader.

Black cow.

That's right. Frankie
said he owed you a favor.

Come on! Who gets the black cow?

I'd rather not go to Dukes'
turf. I could get beat up.

Mmm. You don't have to worry.

I go through Duke
territory all the time,

and nobody lays a hand
on me. I have rotten luck.

(horn honks)

Hi, Fonzie.

Hey, Cunningham.
Which is cooler...

The mirrors up
like this at an angle

or down like this straight?

Well, I think you can see better

with them down at an angle.

Hey, I don't wanna
see where I've been.

I wanna see how
cool I look gettin' there!

Oh, then up at an
angle, definitely.

Yeah, thanks.

Fonzie, I have a problem.

Yeah? Well, you just
got a second problem.

What is it?

I ain't interested
in your first.

The Dukes stole
Potsie's bicycle.

How's that your problem?

I'm going down
there to get it back.

Hey, I wanna tell
you, that's really gutsy.

Gettin' punched
out for a friend...

That really is gutsy.

It's also very stupid.

Well, I was kinda hoping
that you might be able

to give me some tips on
how to handle the Dukes.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Just go in, show 'em
like you mean business,

and punch out the biggest guy.

Oh, I don't think I
could ever do that.

Yeah, yeah, works every time.
You punch out the biggest guy.

Then those other bananas
will think twice before jumpin' ya.

Fonzie...

I don't think I could ever
punch out the biggest guy.

I'm not even sure I could
punch out the littlest one.

Can you rabbit-punch?

I haven't had much experience.

(sighs)

Kicking... can you kick?

No, kicking's not one
of my better talents.

(sighs) Can you write?

Yeah!

Make out a will.

Hey, Pop! The machine's broke!

I didn't get no change back!

I don't see nothin'.
I just work here.

(siren wails in distance)

(billiard balls click)

Sir, is Frankie here?

I don't know nothin'.
I just work here.

Well, look who's here.

Hi. Listen, uh, I didn't
get your name at Arnold's.

They call me Squirt.

Hi, Squirt.

They call me Squirt.
You call me Mr. Squirt.

Right. Mr. Squirt.

Hey, what are you, a
kamikaze or something?

Don't you know
this is Dukes' turf?

Well, yeah, but, uh...

I just came down
here to see Frankie.

Oh, you're looking for Frankie.

Hey, you Frankie?

You Frankie?

Hey, Pop! What about
you? You Frankie?

I don't know nothin'.
I just work here.

Hey, looks like we're
fresh out of Frankies.

How 'bout a hamburger?

Well, I just thought
Frankie might know

where my friend's bike is.

What makes you think that?

What's the matter?

Ain't you never
seen a bike before?

That is... uh, I mean,

I-I think that's
my friend's bike.

You're not saying we stole it?

No, I didn't say that. You did.

Don't ever use the
word "stole" around here.

It makes us crazy. Right, guys?

Right, Pop?

Yeah... crazy.

Well, listen, uh,

maybe I'll come back
later when Frankie's here.

Wait. Come over here

and identify your friend's bike.

Maybe we've seen it before.

Well... it's blue.

Oh, this one's red.

Yeah, but it's
just been painted,

and you can see patches
of blue underneath.

I don't see no blue spots.

It's red, man.

I think you're colorblind.

What about the squirrel's
tail on the handlebar?

It's yours.

Oh, look... it's even
got his name, Potsie,

on the back of the seat.

Look... I'm pretty sure
this is my friend's bike.

I mean, he was thinking
about painting it red

and-and losing
the squirrel's tail

and even getting
rid of his name.

So why don't you
just give it to me?

Come here. Come here.
I'll make you a deal...

You let us keep the bike,

and we'll let you keep
every bone in your body.

♪ See ya later, alligator...

Fonzie, you could do it alone.

You're like a one-man army.

You are the toughest,
Fonz. How about it?

Get lost.

Fonzie, you're our only hope.

You're the toughest,
rottenest guy we know, Fonz.

I mean that in the nicest
way, Fonzie, as a compliment.

You're a very nice guy.
I've said that. Right, guys?

Oh, yeah, he always says that.

Hey... now listen.

If it was something big, like a
Harley or a souped-up Chevy

or a chick, maybe.

But to bust heads over
Potsie's little two-wheeler, huh?

I got an image to keep up.

At least you can
give us some advice.

You want some advice?
Here's some advice.

There's an old saying... he who
stands his ground, but can't hold it,

usually gets his
nose rubbed in it.

That's an old saying?

That's right. I made
it up this morning.

Now I am going to write
it on the bathroom wall...

in blue.

Excuse me.

You know I'm good buddies
with the football team.

Since when?

Since I was squad manager.

I taped some of the
toughest ankles in town!

Potsie, they hated you.

Every time you brought
the water bucket on the field,

they dumped it over your head.

They were just kiddin'.
They're crazy about me.

Enough to rumble for you?

Sure! I'll bring the
whole defensive line.

The Dukes will
take one look at 'em,

and we'll win the
rumble by default.

Be at the pool hall tonight,
7:30... sharp. Be there.

Well, Potsie was right.

The Dukes have his
bike at the pool hall,

and we're going down
there to take it back.

Richie's gonna have a rumble.

Oh, Joanie, take that Slinky
upstairs and play with it.

Did you hear that, Howard?

Yes, Marion, I heard.

Richard, you, Ralph and Potsie

are no match for those
hoodlums down at the pool hall.

We're taking the
football team with us.

Oh, that's different.

They didn't win a
game all last year.

That is not different. I
don't like our son fighting.

Violence never solved anything.

Like that time you tried to get Joanie's
scooter back from Debbie Fitzsimmons,

and Mr. Fitzsimmons
punched you in the eye.

Come on, that was a lucky punch.
I had both hands on the scooter.

Besides, I thought Dad
showed a lot of spunk.

The hospitals are filled
with spunky people.

They probably even
have a spunky ward.

Boys, I don't like violence

and neither does the
President or Albert Schweitzer

or Mahatma Gandhi.

Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, Richard, I hope you
appreciate your mother's advice.

But I don't think it
would do you any good

to go on down to the pool hall
and starve yourself to death.

I heard that.

I do agree with the
part about not fighting.

We're not planning
on fighting, Dad.

We're just gonna go down there

and scare 'em with
a show of strength.

If I were you,
I'd stay out of it.

Let the police handle
it. That's the best way.

I know, Dad.

You're old enough to
know right from wrong.

You can take my advice
or not... as you see fit.

Thanks, Dad. I
won't be out too late.

I-I-It's very quiet
in here tonight.

Is it always this quiet?

I don't know nothin'.
I just work here.

Hey, guys.

Potsie! Where's
the football team?

They'll be here,
they'll be here.

Don't panic.

Boy, I hope they get here.

Are they coming or not?

We still got five minutes.

Five minutes?! Oh, no!

Do you know how much beating up

the Dukes can
do in five minutes?

They're here. The
football team's here.

No, they're not here.

What do you mean
they're not here?!

The coach is showing
a film to inspire them...

Knute Rockne-All-American.

You promised us
the football team,

and all we get is the mascot!

I'm getting out of here!

Yeah!

Uh-oh.

Well, well... what
have we got here?

The three little pigs...

and the ugly duckling.

Hey, that's my bike!

A beauty, ain't it?

I'd leave it outside,

but... some bad person
is liable to steal it.

Well, I-I think we...

Well, we were just leaving.

Look, we don't want any trouble.

Hey, there's no
trouble. No trouble at all.

Punching's no
trouble, is it, fellas?

Hey, Frankie!

You're just in
time for the action!

Hey, Richie! How you doin'?

Oh, fine, just fine.

Snazzy outfit, huh?
How's it grab ya?

Oh, yeah, that's cool!
Isn't that cool, guys?

Oh, nice! Ooh, yeah, real cool!

I'm the head usher
up in the balcony

at the Bijou Theater.

Oh, wow! What a great job!

Oh, great! Really great job!

The best part comes
at the late show.

When I see a couple
makin' out like crazy,

I sneak up on
'em, nice and quiet,

then... zap!

I shine the flashlight on 'em.

Boy, you wanna see popcorn fly.

Ha-ha-ha! Heh-heh!

That's neat! Really neat!

Ha-ha! Really neat! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! Really neat! Ha-ha-ha!

They came for the bike.

It's all yours.

Hey, I told you I
owed you one, didn't I?

And we Dukes
always keep our word.

Thanks, Frankie.

Hey, thanks a lot!

Oh... ha-ha!

Hey, Frankie, I gotta
show you somethin'.

Before they leave, I
think you'd like to read this.

"If the stolen bicycle is
not returned in 24 hours,

"the Dukes will be scrapin'
their noses off the ceiling.

Yours truly, Potsie
and his Raiders."

"Will be scrapin' their
noses off the ceiling."

Who's Potsie?

Heh-heh-heh.

I thought the football
team was comin'.

Now, this sorta changes things.

Listen, Frankie,
P-Potsie didn't mean it.

He's a real kidder.

In fact, he'll even apologize

if you want him to.

I apologize. I'm
sorry. I really didn't...

You see? He's sorry.

Gee, I'm sorry, too.

I mean, this is a real
challenge, you know?

I can't let a threat
like that go by

without takin' some action.

It's against our code.

If I were to let you
get away with that,

it would set a bad
example for my men. Cute.

You know what I mean?

You know what he means?

I know what you mean, but...

It'll be a fair fight.

Squirt, you take the duck.

You wouldn't hit a man with
a beak! I'm a beak buster.

You, take him. You, clobber him.

And I'll take care of Richie.

No, wait a second...

I can't hit Richie.
Richie's my friend.

You hit Richie.

I'll take the
scared, little one.

Uh, Sir! Sir!

I don't see nothin'. I
mind my own business.

When you finish, lock up.

Right, Pop.

OK, Dukes, get ready to punch!

Wait a minute! This is silly!

If the bike means
that much to ya,

then just keep it.

But it's my bike!

Violence never solved anything!

This all started

because I did something
nice for a little girl.

Then you guys said thanks
and took my friend's bike!

Now the only way
for us to get it back

is if our army is
bigger than your army.

What if I brought
the football team?

What good would that do?

You could get some
more guys, and pretty soon,

we'd have a hundred guys
trying to scare each other.

Where would it all end?

We should be able
to settle our problems

without threats and punches!

Look at all the other
countries around the world!

They learned their lesson!

Now we have the United Nations

so there won't be any more wars.

Why can't people...
be like governments?

Frankie, can't you
see that there is honor

in settling things with
words instead of punches?

That was a beautiful
speech, Richie.

I mean, it really was nice.

Thank you.

Now we punch 'em.

Hah! Hyah! Hold it!

I have to warn you that
I am an expert in judo

and that these hands
are registered with the FBI

as lethal weapons!

Hah!

So's the chain in my pocket!

Ohh...

Now, unless we got
some more funny business,

let's get down to
some serious punchin'!

Hiya, Richie.

All right, fellas.

Help yourself to some,
uh, cue sticks here, huh?

Hey, Richie, let me
buy you a drink, huh?

I hope I'm not
interruptin' anything here.

Oh, no, Fonzie.

You ain't interruptin' anything.

Uh, we were just talkin'
about the United Nations

with our good friends
here, right, Richie?

You know, I'll tell you,
that's great 'cause, uh,

my boys haven't had a
rumble in about a week,

and, uh, gettin' a
little itchy, ya know?

Yeah, I know how it is.

But there's no trouble here.

Heh-heh.

Uh, may I?

See, that was me you caught
in the balcony last Saturday.

You owe me one box of popcorn.

Right, uh... Let's go, you guys.

Hey, Frankie, wait a minute...

Shut up, Squirt!

Oh, uh, Fonzie...

Come by the Bijou
anytime. I'll get you in free.

And, uh, here...

Will you lock up when you leave?

Sure, Pop.

Fonzie, thank you!

For what?

The Fonz comes
through in the clutch!

Were your guys really gonna
belt them with cue sticks?

Hey, cool it
instantaneously, huh?

These guys are
not here to rumble.

I told them I knew a few guys

that wanted to treat 'em
to free pool and drinks.

Hey, hey! Oh...

It'll cost you about four bucks.

Potsie, pay 'em. It's your bike.

Why?! I didn't invite 'em!

Hey, I got a great idea...

Why don't you tell 'em that?

Heh. I'll pay 'em.

♪ Happy days ♪

And then Fonzie
came in and saved us,

and Potsie got his bike back.

I'm so relieved there
wasn't any fighting.

Didn't raise my
son to be a soldier.

Well, how's that, huh?

OK. We're all ready.

Now... I put this here...

turn this on... (buzzes)

and watch.

(man talking)

Looks funny, Dad.

The sky is green,
and the grass is blue.

Oh... well, you know,

it's only a... $8.50
color converter.

It's bound to have
some kinks to it.

There. How's that, huh?

Well, I don't see
any color, dear.

Looks black and white.

That's because you're
looking at it from an angle.

You should all be
right in front of it.

Come on.

Oh.

Yeah, see?

Look at the blue tree.

I can't see!

Oh, Joanie...

I still can't see!

Joanie, come down here in front.

What made you do it?

What made you come into our...

Do we have to sit this way
every time we watch TV?

Oh, I guess so, till
we get a color set.

Well, it's just a good
thing we're a close family.

♪ This days is ours
♪ Happy days ♪

♪ Hello, sunshine goodbye, rain

♪ She's wearin' my
school ring on her chain

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can

♪ This day is ours
♪ Won't you be mine?

♪ These happy days
♪ This day is ours

♪ Oh, please be
mine ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ Happy days ♪