Happy! (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - I Am the Future - full transcript

I don't wanna die.

Previously, on "Happy!"...

Ahh!

I serve at your pleasure, Mr. Bug.

They are important gifts
for important people,

and I expect them to
be bright and shining

under the tree Christmas morning.

Cal was taken from a Sonny Shine event.

And so was Hailey, I get it.

One of those kids is mine.

So, you're gonna make a call



and you're gonna deliver her to me,

midnight, tonight, your house.

- Where's Hailey?
- Where's Mikey?

Anyone wanna guess what this is, then?

I let go of my finger and, well,

there goes the neighborhood,

including your precious password

and if you give two
shits, your wife and kid.

Mikey is not in the trunk.

Ah, fuck.

Okay, kill him.

The only thing that
still even believes in me

is my kid's imaginary friend.

Nick, I'm here!



Daddy!

About to say is very difficult,

and I'm only gonna say it once.

I believe in you,

'cause you and me, we've
got a job to finish.

Jessica?

She really is intoxicating,

your mother.

Lovely voice, real talent.

She could've been really big.

I love hearing you sing.

It's time you stop protecting me.

But now it's time for me to protect you.

Mom?

Ma? Come on. Mom?

♪ You will get a ♪

♪ Sentimental feeling ♪

♪ When you hear ♪

♪ Voices singing let's be jolly ♪

♪ Decks the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Rocking around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪

♪ Mistletoe hung where you can see ♪

♪ Every couple tries to stop ♪

♪ Rocking around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Let the Christmas spirit ring ♪

♪ Later we'll have some pumpkin pie ♪

♪ And we'll do some caroling ♪

♪ You will get a ♪

♪ Sentimental feeling ♪

♪ When you hear ♪

♪ Voices singing let's be jolly ♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Rocking around the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Have a happy holiday ♪

♪ Everyone dancing merrily ♪

♪ In the new ♪

♪ Old-fashioned ♪

♪ Way ♪

Sorry, McCarthy.

You want a ride in the van?

Left some takeout in
the backseat overnight,

but we can crack a window if you want...

No thanks.

Just take her.

Got something I gotta do.

They are killing the shite
out of that motherfucker.

Is that a table saw?

It very well could be, yeah.

Shit.

New plan.

Are you off your goddamn nut?

You think you're just
gonna waltz on out of here

like some Piccadilly on parade?

I am waltzing on out of
here because right now,

Nick Sax is bulletproof.

You waste me,

you waste the Missus,

and the booger-eating heir
to the porcelain throne.

Now, which one of you dinks
wants to drop that Yule log

on the boss's chest this
fine Christmas Eve, hmm?

I'll drop that log, you motherfucker.

Please!

You lunatic, take me if you must, but...

I must, because, I don't know,

call me a stickler for tradition, but,

I just think on Christmas,

that families should be together.

Am I right, or am I right?

Oh, dear God!

We're literally about to die.

Shh.

Just keep smiling there, kitten,

and pucker up that sphincter.

'Cause Nick Sax shoots early and often.

I'm satisfied.

Now, wait a second.

Oh, a gentleman.

Get the hell off me!

All right, your Mister and I

have some unfinished business.

Any idea where he scurried off to?

What are you gonna do to him?

In my work, I take a jazz approach...

You know, strictly improv...

But assume that once I'm done,

he won't resemble your husband anymore.

339 Cherry Blossom Court.

His sister's house in Jersey.

The car knows the way.

Hmm.

Tell him I want a divorce.

Hmm.

Best Christmas ever.

That's right, baby, you eat.

I remember that time you snuck out

and stole the Benz...

You wanted to show up at the club and

impress the girls with a fancy car.

Wanted to be a big shot,

just like your brothers.

Wait, no, no, no, Mikey, no, no.

Ut det mihi cibum statim.

What did Blue do to you?

What did he do to you?

Blue.

Mikey.

Mikey!

Mikey!

- Good morning.
- Oh!

Ooh...

Uh-oh.

Gotcha.

It's really you. Sonny Shine.

Shine... Sheinberg, Louis J.

Sonny Shine is for my fans
of all ages around the world.

It's Christmas Eve, shouldn't you be out

jousting other parents

over the new Tickle Me Humperdonk?

I got mine months ago.

You'd have to be a fool not to see

how those were gonna fly.

My daughter, Hailey,
is your biggest fan.

We once stood in line at 4:00 a.m.

to get tickets to your studio audience.

I think it was the
happiest day of her life.

That tickles my heart.

Nothing means more to me than...

She was kidnapped

four days ago at your Wishtacular.

What a world.

What a world.

- My condolences.
- She wasn't the only one.

Seven other children have gone missing

within the last two weeks.

Mm.

And what can I do for you?

There's a common thread
to all the kidnappings.

All the children disappeared r...

Uh, around...

Hmm?

You,

your shows or appearances.

And you...

You thought you'd come here

and ruin Sonny Shine's
Christmas by telling me this,

in person.

The police have been ineffectual.

Worthless, really.

But a man as visible, as
prominent as yourself...

You could bring attention to this.

- Resources.
- Resources.

You want money, right?

- Doesn't everybody?
- I...

I want you to help shine a light.

Eww.

God, the letters I get

blaming me for little retard Sally's

piss-poor spelling test.

Blaming me for Billy's sissy boy lisp.

If I wanted to raise children,

I'd...

I don't, I don't know, I'd adopt some,

but I don't wanna raise
your goddamn children.

I wanna entertain them!

Do you see the difference?

Dude.

I'm, I'm...

I've been blending Ghee

and MCT into my coffee,

so I'm totally lit as fuck.

Celebrity problems.

It's not easy, what I do.

Sometimes, I just need a release.

Your breathing, it's very shallow.

You know, it's totally normal,

being in close proximity
to someone so famous.

Your heart beats faster, you
get a little light-headed.

You know, when I was just a little kid,

all I wanted to do was
sit on Dorothy's lap.

I totally get it.

I'd like to go now.

Oh? You just, you got here, just...

Please.

For you and...

Hai... it's Hailey.

Hailey, right?

If... no, no...

When she decides to come home.

Thank you.

Don't let her leave the building.

Come on, this way.

Back in there! Come on.

Be careful.

Get out.

I told him

children are bad business.

Messy, obnoxious,

germ-ridden little migraines

not worth the aggravation.

"I have my reasons," he says.

"We all have to answer
to someone," he says.

It's ridiculous,

just a waste of my time.

Did you know that I
can train an adult male

to denounce every God
he's ever worshipped

and squeal on all fours
like a hog to slaughter

in under 24 hours?

Because adults have been socialized

into latent obedience.

But you...

Really enjoy hearing yourself talk,

don't you, Mister?

Well, look who doesn't have a gag.

We located the car
a half-mile from here

wrapped around telephone pole.

It's a total loss,
no sign of any driver.

Oh, my God, Mikey.

Right.

About that social media post...

Your son has been dead
for 48 hours, ma'am.

We got a hit and run situation

with serious injuries outside.

I'm gonna need a straight answer

to who was behind that wheel,

or we will haul the whole lot of you

back to the station.

Mr. Scaramucci.

Aww, they got you boys
working on Christmas Eve.

That's criminal.

My sister has had

a very difficult morning.

Why don't you officers just run along?

You can worry about the paperwork later.

Where is he?

Go to hell.

Where is he?

You think your guns are
gonna protect you now?

I got something way more dangerous:

a following.

Yeah, 1.3 million,

and I didn't have to buy 'em, baby.

I can't wait for the whole world

to see who you really are, brother.

All right, all right,
have a little dignity.

The same brother who sucked
his thumb till he was 11,

who shat his shorts on the
Cyclone at Coney Island,

who cried himself to sleep when the boys

made fun of his sorry
excuse for a pecker.

These mugs may fear you,

but I don't,

because I know all the secrets,

and I have all the receipts.

So, you better buy yourself

a pair of paparazzi shades, boo,

'cause you're about
to become very famous.

Snap!

Where...

We're gonna tear this place apart

until we find him.

Michelangelo!

It's Uncle Blue!

Aww, come on, Mikey.

Come on.

Give me what is mine.

Give me what I deserve,

or mama's gonna get what she deserves.

Don't you think that I won't do it.

Nick?

Yeah?

I'm cold, so cold.

Cuddle me?

Uhh, 'kay.

Yeah.

Ugh, s-s-still cold.

Cuddle me closer?

Wh...

What is it, Nick?

Hmm? Ah, nothing.

Just, just, seem...

different.

A little glint in your eye,

kinda...

Kinda Manson-esque.

Did you...

Oh, my God.

You little scamp.

You killed something, didn't you?

Oh yeah, you did.

I'd know that look anywhere.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Oh, okay.

All right, all right, look.

Look, what can I tell you, pal?

The first one...

it's always gonna stay with you.

You're always gonna remember it.

Do... do you remember?

Your first?

Yeah, what the hell did I just say?

Of course I...

No.

Maybe.

Look, my point is this.

That you just gotta hope

that you did it for a reason.

And I mean a good reason.

And Hailey's a damn good reason.

Can I tell you a secret?

One I stinky pinky swore never to tell?

What?

When Hailey and I were
at the Sonny Shine show...

The whole reason she snuck away

was so Sonny could hear her wish.

Ah.

Her one wish she'd
waited her whole life.

- Hailey's wish was...
- Hold that thought.

I'm about to get a little road rage-y.

What the...

I think we can agree
this one was not my fault.

Officer, is there something wrong?

What the hell are you
doing in Blue's car?

You know, at a certain point,

sticking your gun in my face,

it's, you know... Kinda
loses its specialness.

Laws of diminishing
returns and all that.

I mean, you want me
to take you seriously,

at some point you're gonna
have to pull that trigger.

Aww, for crying out loud.

Hey, hey, hey.

Give me your keys, again.

Let's do this.

We get Blue, we get your kid.

Listen to her, what is this we stuff?

I didn't know, all right?

There were a lot of things
I looked the other way,

but the kids... I didn't know, Nick.

You gotta fucking believe me. Nick?

It's Amanda. Amanda?

Merry, I'm in trouble.

It's him, it's gotta be.

Amanda, it's me.

Where are you?

Nick? Oh.

He's got her, it's gotta be him.

Who has her?

Sonny Shine.

She needs you.

Amanda, listen to me.

Amanda?

Amanda?

What the hell?

What the hell's a Sonny Shine?

♪ He's the one with the rainbow castle ♪

♪ A friend to you and me ♪

He'd never hurt Hailey.

He's got Shine Tower
58th and Lex, let's go.

He doesn't live in a tower.

Sonny lives in a
castle. I saw it myself.

What, wait.

What did you say?

Hailey and I went there.

Oh, Amanda took us.

It was the best day ever.

It's a great big building
with a great big gate.

And there were lights,
and cameras, and...

Lights and cameras?

It was you.

I didn't want it to be.

I told myself lies not to believe it.

Hmm.

Those spray-tanned
apes were a disgrace...

To apes.

They threaded their eyebrows, Isa.

They waxed their armpits.

I needed gangsters,

and you gave me Spandau Ballet.

You think you know all the secrets?

I have done things...

Things that you couldn't
possibly imagine.

I had no choice.

But once I get that password,

those days are over.

I answer to no one.

You gonna answer to that?

I had a visit today

from a mother looking for her daughter.

I can give you eight good reasons

why this makes me upset.

I want them signed, sealed,

and delivered tomorrow,
Christmas morning.

And if they're not,

it won't be me who gets exterminated!

You came to me an unwashed,

unkempt, motley assortment
of... Oh, God, who am I kidding?

I cannot wait to get
rid of you petri dishes.

Ugh, especially you.

This is not the end of your journey,

but the beginning, blah, blah, blah.

You were plucked from obscurity
to serve a greater purpose,

yadda, yadda, whatever.

There were successes...

And there were disasters.

Congratulations, Kenji.

You have achieved top
honors because you're Asian.

And as a reward, you will go first.

Your new parents will
be very, very proud,

assuming you survive
the packaging process.

Mister?

What is it?

I need to go to the bathroom.

Oh, for God's sake.

I told you to go before
we started packaging.

Fine, go.

There it is, Nick,

home of the Rainbow Castle.

Well, if that doesn't scream perv,

I don't know what does.

When I look at it,

all I see is, "Let's play!"

- Exactly.
- Look.

Checking front entrance now.

Is that normal for children's TV?

You tell me, pops.

Funny.

All right, look,

I gotta talk to this little, blue, um...

Well, you keep saying that,

but I've never seen one
with wings on its back

and a thing coming out of it's...

I mean, we call it a...

Go on.

All right, you, look at me.

Happilocus Imaginus, Defender of Zork,

First Knight of the Cupcake Kingdom,

hero of the Frosting Wars.

Reporting for duty, sir!

She's counting on you.

I'm counting on you.

Go find Hailey.

What?

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

all right, look.

We got a big building here, so...

Let's split up.

I'll take the front.

I'll take the back.

You good?

Mm, yeah.

You got this idea that your ex

is some kind of wounded flower.

Amanda's a goddamn pit bull,

with one hell of a
right cross, by the way.

She can take care of herself.

Assunta, open the door.

_

It's the Old Don's password.

Mikey has it and he's
going to give it to Blue.

_

_

Okay.

Wait, what?

_

Yes, yes, that's why we must stop him.

Open the door, please.

Okay, all right.

Mamma...

Nonna...

Bisnonna...

I should've never let
Mikey get on that plane.

I just wanted him to have a good...

Shh!

Oh.

No talisman.

Hee.

Talisman.

So, as the thread weaves a tapestry

of space and time,

so does your brother's soul

unwind.

That is not a talisman.

That is a ball of yarn.

Talisman.

That is a cat toy.

Talisman!

After 20 years

of tithes and offerings

and defending you,

this is all you've got for me?

A cat toy?

And after all these years,

you lost your faith?

This is more about you

than about me.

"Who are you looking for?"

Shine, Shine, Shine...

Keep loading.

I have something I need to take care of.

Hailey!

Hailey!

Oh, presents.

What the?

Sit up straight.

Eat your vegetables.

Put down that smartphone or tablet.

The common refrain of the
typical American parent.

Ah, Smoothie.

Time to dance, bitch.

Of course it does.

But did you listen?

No, you didn't,

and now here we are.

Starting today, your little lives

will change in ways you
could never have imagined.

There will be moments
when you will wonder

what you have done to deserve these...

Oh.

Nighty-night.

What the hell is this?

I saw you, you were just standing there,

fingering yourself.

Why is this truck still here?

It's all loaded up, Mr. Scaramucci.

We heard gunshots.

Smoothie said that...

Smoothie said?

Smoothie...

Where is he?

Smile.

Fuck you.

I knew this day would come.

Our destiny is in the stars.

You do see that, Sax, don't you?

You're not gonna ask
me my sign, are you?

The universe, it conspired

to bring us back together again

so that a movable
object could finally meet

irresistible force.

Which one am I?

The dumb one.

Ah.

Now, I have been thinking a lot lately

about what I would do if
our paths ever crossed again.

That makes two of us.

See? See?

It's destiny.

Clearly,

you are a man

who must be broken.

I am?

- But...
- Hmm?

What is pain to someone like you?

What is death to someone like you?

That is a very curious problem.

Vexing.

You have disarmed me, Sax.

All of my usual weapons,
they just seem so inadequate.

And my tried and true methods,

they seem so...

well...

impotent.

Torture, murder...

They're hobbies.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

All trifles to a man
who would cheerfully

die in agony.

I am going to show you something

that I bet you never thought you'd see.

Uhh...

I am going to show you
why they call me Smoothie.

But I wasn't curious.

Let's not do this.

You don't need to do that, let's, no...

Let's just put that right back on.

- Just...
- Yeah, no.

Aww, fuck me.

Holy shit.

Yikes, ugly lady.

It's not nice to sneak up on people.

Come on, I found Hailey.

The bad guys are loading
the kids on a truck.

Now, let's grab Nick
before it's too late.

Where are you going?

The wrong way, that's where.

Nick is this way.

I know because he believes in me,

it's like a homing signal,

l-like in that movie,

where the iguana phones home.

Remember? Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Mm-mm-mm, mmm,

there we go.

No, this way, this way, this way.

Dumb as a soup sandwich.

This way, this way.

You're almost there, just...

No, do... ugh.

Yes, go, go, go, go!

Are you cozy?

Oh, oh.

Oh, ah.

Sax,

relax.

I am become destroyer of worlds!

I will destroy your
world, you motherfucker!

No!

Yes! Yes!

Damn you!

Nick! Holy guacamole, Nick!

That was close, buddy.

We got here just...

In the...

In the nick of...

Oh, jelly beans.

Get it out of me.

Okay, take 'em.

It's gone, the truck just left.

It just left.

Good boy, remember,

those presents better be deliver...

They'll be there!

Mr. Scaramucci,

are you all right?

What am I?

What the hell am I?

You...

You're the boss.

I'm the boss of nothing.

I'm...

I'm an errand boy for psychopaths.

Look, don't say that, Mr. Scaramucci.

If I had that password...

If I only had that goddamn passwo...

Truck, Nick! The truck's getting away!

Ah, fuck.

Oww!

Hailey!

Nick, hurry!

Hailey!

Hailey!

We're too late, she's gone.

Good, you two have met.