Happy! (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - I Am the Future - full transcript

Great, big, nasty, penises.

Happily on previous...

- No one believes in me.
- We believe in you.

- You're shot.
- Yeah, but it's a heart attack

I just had that's
really got my attention.

Gotta join a spin class, eat more kale.

Amanda, it's me. Where are you?

He's got her. It's gotta be him.

- Who has her?
- Sonny Shine.

Amanda's a goddamn pit bull.

She can take care of herself.



The guy you're looking for

reminds me of a fellow we all knew.

Ended up hanging himself.

He had a kid, that one.

Wound up institutionalized.

I wonder some nights,
where's that little boy?

I know who's naughty and who's nice.

You wanna stay with me, don't you?

With my other nice kids.

You can't touch me
unless you believe in me.

What the hell am I?

I'm an errand boy for psychopaths.

But once I get that
password, those days are over.

We get Blue, we get your kid.



Maybe this is the moment
that I can stand for something

other than just my own skin.

Nick, hurry!

- Hailey!
- Too late. She's gone.

All right, "Monkey Pants" callbacks,

August 16.

All right, go ahead. Slate it.

Benji Peters, A.T.P.

"I'm 5'4" and I'm auditioning for...

Really? You think we should
put on our Monkey Pants?

That sounds fun.

You know what it means when
we put on our Monkey Pants.

It means it's time to Monkey Dance!

Yeah!

Lenny Donnelly, 5'6".
I'm auditioning for...

It means it's time to Monkey Dance!

Monkey Time!

Excuse me?

And you are?

Sheinberg, Louis, J.

I don't see you on our...

Excuse me, who are you repped by?

Mr. Sheinberg, is it?

Security!

Hey!

Choke on my pearls, you swine!

This is the future!

I am... I am the future!

The kids are gone, Mr. Shine.

- All of them?
- All of them.

Listen to you sing.

You're a regular little Bitch Perfect.

What was that?

I'll kill her, Merry.

You're gonna watch her die.

I don't think so.

But I'll tell you what.

I'll make sure to send
an invite for her funeral

to your cell at Rikers.

You won't be able to attend, of course,

but feel free to send flowers.

That's right.

Your leverage over me
is resting peacefully

in a body bag at County.

Worse Christmas ever?

It is my fault.

She believed in me and I failed.

Look at me. I'm fading away.

I... my color, my coat.

I used to be as blue
as a blueberry snow cone

and now I... You're still very blue.

Holy shit!

Could we make this quick?

I plan on being at home in
front of a crackling fire

by Christmas morning.

- Where is he?
- Saint Nick.

Psycho Claus, you're
gonna tell me where he is

or I'm gonna treat you like
my Christmas Day turkey.

Complete with lead pudding.

He took her. Didn't he?

Well, he is a collector.
I've known that for years.

You probably got a lifetime

of psychosexual therapy
bills headed your way.

That is...

if she survives.

Nick, no. No.

Nick, I got something.

I think I know how to find Santa.

Nick, my plan involves torture.

There once was a lonely little boy

that talked to a sock...

And an Imaginary Friend was born.

But you left that little boy. Why?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're wasting your time.

Am I?

Please, no!

I'm looking at you, I'm thinking:

Footsies are just about the
most ticklish things ever.

I wonder if that goes
for stinky socks too.

Sweet baby Jesus...

No, please.

- Please!
- Was that as good for you

as it was for me? What
kind of monster are you?

I'm Imaginary Friend.

We're all Imaginary Friends.

A brother and sisterhood of
strawberry frosting and dreams.

And you've been a very bad sock.

- No.
- You abandoned your friend

when he needed you the most.

You left him alone

with nothing but a little
yarn, a few buttons,

and the whackadoodle
thoughts inside his head.

Didn't you?

I'm so ashamed.

He saw things.

Things no child should ever see.

They drugged him, locked him away.

I was all he had.

But he didn't stay locked up forever.

I kept thinking,

"He'll grow up, he'll leave me behind."

But it never happened.

He didn't want to grow up.

Ever.

And then he started to hurt people.

I couldn't bear to watch
what he did to them.

So I ran.

I know you all feel
scared and abandoned.

The day always comes when our
friends don't need us anymore.

But right now, someone does need you.

This is your chance to do something.

To have a purpose for
maybe the last time.

We may have lost our friends,
but we found each other.

Together, we can do things

no one ever imagined.

We just have to believe.

We believe in you, Happy.

We believe in you.

Now tell us where he is.

Well, this has turned
into a hot little mess,

now hasn't it.

There's gonna be some very
unhappy goddamn campers

when those packages don't
show up on Christmas morning.

Hope you're pleased with yourself.

And really, what's your daughter?

What's one little girl?

There'll be thousands more just like her

in the audience tonight.

I mean, is it really worth all this?

I guess it's just a
matter of perspective.

You'll be erased.

This is the future and
you're not a part of it.

I'm the future.

Children...

Chil...

"Children are the
future." That's very good.

That's... touché.

Yeah, you're on a roll.

And soon to be...

in a hole.

Bam!

It's a gift from
the Sultan of something.

I'm gonna go get dressed.

Remember? It's the Wishtacular?

It's tonight.

At least one of us has
something to look forward to.

Clean up all this ugly stuff.

They want you to look all grown up,

but you're not grown up.

You're little.

Like you should be.

Yeah.

Grown ups...

they try to steal everything...

that makes you special.

It makes me so mad.

It makes me wa...

Makes me want to...

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

We have to go.

And here we are yet again.

Come on, Nick. This way.

I want to remind you,
we're here on the word

of a sock puppet. I mean...

This whole thing just seems
a little sketchy to me.

What I'm saying is, this...

socalled intel source of yours,

you sure he's on the level

and not just blowing
powdered sugar up your ass?

Trust me, Nick. He was highly motivated.

This is it.

All right.

Show 'em to me.

So you're telling me
that this door leads

to a dark subterranean lair

right underneath Gimbel Brothers

where ShittyPants Santa,
who's neck I'm gonna break

when I find that son
of a bitch, took my kid?

And I am fully aware that
I am talking to a unicorn,

but I gotta tell you,

even my credulity has its limits.

All right then.

Where are we going?

Toyland.

Toyland.

Toyland.

I used to have a pretend friend.

Like you.

But now I have new friends.

So many friends.

- Mr. Shine...
- God.

You look like a cruise
ship got torpedoed

with Liberace's corpse.

I don't know who you are.

But I'm not interested.

Who let you in here?

Backstage pass.

You're a cop.

I've been meaning to get
to those parking tickets.

Just came from your studio, Sheinberg.

Don't have to tell you
what we found there.

I have facilities all over.

I rent them out when
I'm not in production,

which I'm not.

Russians,

Chinese, Saudis.

God only knows what
they do on those stages.

I've had cops before.

Sexually, I mean.

It's over.

- Excuse me?
- All this.

The Man Who Made Christmas.

The Three Wishes Guy.

I'm bringing you down.

How cute.

Is there anything else
I can help you with?

Yeah.

Amanda Hansen.

Is this about that delusional woman

who showed up at my office today?

Yeah, she seemed to be
suffering from some sort of

paranoid schizophrenic episode.

Yeah, probably something she saw on TV.

I'm no doctor.

It's on the wrong foot.

Where is she?

I get it.

You're untouchable.

Probably got the bad dirty
on everyone who's anyone

all the way up the chain.

You're like a nuclear reactor.

You go down, you bring
everyone down with you.

I've gotta be on stage in a few minutes.

It's the Sonny Shine Wishtacular.

I'm sure you've heard of it.

We raise millions for
disadvantaged children.

You can go on stage,

wiggle your ass and twinkle your toes

for all your adoring fans.

And then I'm gonna drag you
off in cuffs on live television.

It'll be as shitty as you
looking right into the cameras

and telling the whole world
there ain't no Santa Claus.

I know you'll be out
before the ink dries

on your arrest report,
but you'll be walking out

to a wasteland formerly
known as your career.

This Hansen woman,

is this all you're asking for really?

For now.

You should stop by my tower.

You might find her there.

I can't speak to her frame of mind.

Okay, you found your way
in, now find your way out.

Nick?

I got this. I got this.

- Nick.
- What?

Look.

Good eyes.

Nick, look.

It's hers. We're going in the right...

What the...?

It's a toy, Nick.

I know what it is.

Aww, he wants to play.

That's the biggest kid I ever saw.

That ain't no kid.

Man, see a dentist.

This is gonna pinch.

Just a little.

You can be little forever.

Like my other friends.

Nick!

Nick!

Hailey.

Find Hailey.

Fuck.

No thanks.

You can't do this to people.

Amanda, you all right?

This is evil.

Merry.

They... I know.

They can't get away with this.

They can.

But not forever. Okay?

Nick's found Hailey.

Come on.

Why don't you pick on
someone your own size?

Happy, you came back.

Run!

Hey!

I just keep discovering
bold new frontiers of suck.

No. No, no, no, no...

Stop!

No!

Leave me alone!

Minty.

Help, please!

He's coming! Help!

Help.

Help!

Don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid.

When my daddy went away...

they made me grow up.

Gave me medicine.

I didn't want... I didn't want to...

I didn't want to be scary.

You don't have to be.

No, no, it's too late.

But I can save you.

I can save you.

I had to grow up, but you don't have to.

You don't have to ever grow up.

Hold my hand...

And we will fly away together.

Before the police get here.

Before they see what I did.

Come on. Take my hand.

Take.

My.

No.

It's all right.

I'm...

I'm...

Well, I'm...

Happy sent me.

Daddy?

Daddy!

I'm the spirit of Christmas.

I've walked these roof tops

for a long time.

The only thing that
can hurt me is magic.

Hocus pocus, motherfucker.

Not now.

Not again.

You're not magic.

They'll see.

You can't even fly.

Maybe not. But I can.

And I brought Friends.

Cut him, Twig.

Let's regift this fruitcake!

Daddy, are you okay?

Pills.

Pocket... pills...

Hey...!

Hey, no, let go! Look out! Look out!

No!

Watch... watch out! God!

Santa's coming! Santa's coming!

I don't wanna ruin Christmas for you,

but there comes a time when every kid

has to face the truth...

There ain't no fucking Santa Claus.

What?

I told Sonny Shine
I only wanted one wish.

I wanted to meet my dad.

Hailey.

- Hailey!
- Mommy!

God.

Are you okay?

You were right.

About another stocking on the mantle.

You were right.

Maybe one weekend...

We'll talk about it.

That'd make me happy.

You definitely deserve a nap, buddy.

We did it, Nick.

I never stopped believing in you.

Likewise.

But this ain't no nap.

This is byebye.

What do you mean? No, Nick.

Nick, we won.

Yeah, we did.

Thanks to you...

partner.

Cue the music.

And...

fade to black.

You know, I was starting to
get used to you being dead.

Yeah, I always thought I'd prefer it,

but now...

I may just stick around,
see how it plays out.

Got some good news for you and the fam.

- Yeah?
- Word on the street is

when Nick Sax died,

he took Blue's socalled
password with him.

"Word on the street"?

Your heart stopped for eight minutes.

That's impressive.

Thought I...

thought I finally got rid of you.

Anyway.

You know, if I were you,
I would take advantage

of my new reputation.
Lay low for a while.

Hear California's nice.

California?

It's not my kind of dirty.

Besides, I hate avocados.

How's your kid holding up?

She's gonna be all right.

She's tough.

Like her mom.

You know, this world may not
be all glitter and tinsel,

but there are a few people
in it that make it work.

You're one of 'em.

You know what you did, right?

You gave me my daughter, Mer.

You're my hero.

You don't get to take that one back.

- I don't want it back.
- Good. 'Cause I'm keeping it.

- All right, keep it.
- I will.

All right, see you around the block.

- Where you going?
- I got a date.

Gonna...

I don't know, go out to Coney Island,

- grab some ice cream.
- It's winter.

Yeah, I'm new to this. What do I know?

All right, well, if that's the case,

you might wanna slap
a little aftershave on.

You smell like you murdered a hooker.

That obvious?

Thanks.

Nick was right.

I look completely ridiculous.

Is my nose really that big?

It's the cutest,
funniest nose I ever saw.

I just wanted to say I'm
so glad I got the chance

to be your Imaginary Friend, Hailey.

I had no idea it would be so much fun,

and scary too.

Happy, you look different.

How come I can see through you?

It's because...

well, you're growing up,

and you have your daddy now.

And someday you'll forget
all about that silly horse.

But you're my best friend.

Even if you are imaginary.

Why do you have to go?

That's how it is with Imaginary Friends.

We can't stay forever.

Otherwise, it can get a bit...

you know, creepy.

Where will you go

if nobody needs you anymore?

I don't know, somewhere fun.

I hope. I... and who knows.

Maybe there is someone
who needs me somewhere.

Come to think of it,

I better practice my song.

I'll never forget you.

Come on, sweetheart.

Let's go meet your dad.

Come on, Sax, you got this.

It's a movie. You just...

sit down and... and...

you don't even have to talk.

Boy, this is worse than I thought.

- What the hell?
- Talking to yourself, buddy?

People are gonna think
you're shithouse cray cray.

- Why are you here?
- Nick, I can't abandon you

in your darkest hour. What
kind of partner is that?

What are you talk...

What are you... what?

"My darkest hour"? You said it yourself.

We won. We killed the
bad guy. We saved the kid.

What have you been nipping
at the coffee syrup.

I've never felt
so solid in all my life.

I'm a...

I'm a goddamn royal flush.

I'm white night.

I'm...

I'm the hero that she
always thought I was.

I'm... I'm terrified, man.
I don't know what I'm do...

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't even know how to talk to her.

There, there, buddy. I got you.

I know everything about
Hailey. All her secret hopes,

- her dreams...
- Yeah, you know everything.

You know everything!
I don't know nothing!

I don't know nothing about being a dad.

You're just gonna do
what comes naturally.

What come... What comes naturally.

Dismemberment comes naturally to me!

What are you doing? You're
Hailey's little buddy.

- Wh... go bother her.
- But... well, about that.

- See...
- Man.

See, the thing about
Imaginary Friends is,

we're kind of supposed
to help out the person

who needs us the most.

What? You...

You...

Did...

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

Here it comes.

- Yeah, it is.
- Here comes the fun.

- Boy, here it comes.
- Are you ready?

I think someone needs a
little shot of liquid courage.

Maybe a bump of booger sugar. Right?

Michelangelo.

I was beginning to wonder
if I'd ever see you again.

Blue.

Now.

Have you finally brought
me that which is mine?

Mr. Scaramucci?

You all right?

I'm hungry.