Hap and Leonard (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Ho-Ho Mambo - full transcript

Previously on "hap
and leonard"...

Ho-ho-ho, you
crack-smokin' mother...

Florida went down to
grovetown the other day.

I want you to go down
there and bring her home.

I do this for you,

You gotta let leonard out
of jail now... tonight.

Grovetown don't like black folk.

Klan's alive and kickin' there.

Place look like a
damn hallmark card.

I'm beginning to appreciate
the quaintness of this town.

God!



Coulda just said you
didn't want no chicken.

Whatcha doin' sittin' around in
your drawers with a gun, nohow?

And, my god, man, cross
your legs or somethin'.

Nobody wants to see
your damn balls.

That not why you came out here?

Why did you come out here?

Eh, wife caught me
smoking in the garage.

Figured i'd take a ride, lay
low till she cooled down.

Yeah.

Eh, i figured i'd check on you.

Went by leonard's place first.

Them friends of his
said he was sleeping.

Jesus, hap.

You look like the dead ass
of a roadkill possum.



Was sneed.

How's that?

In grovetown.

Sneed was in grovetown.

That's really not nice.

What the hell are you
doin' here, sneed?

I work here.

I heard you got
fired from laborde.

I resigned.

What brings you
two to grovetown?

Aw, got to missin'
your pretty tight ass.

Thought i'd come by
and have me a look.

But don't worry.

Wasn't worth the drive.

Officer reynolds, meet hap
collins and leonard pine.

Pine's the "smartest
black man in the world."

I got this, sneed.

Yes, ma'am.

This your car?

What's left of it.

Did you know you are
illegally parked?

Uh, uh, no.

No, i-i didn't.

I'm gonna have to write
you up for that.

I-is... is there anything else
about this car you notice?

We'll get a tow truck
to move it to a garage.

Welcome to grovetown.

Thank you, ma'am.

That's officer reynolds to you.

I appreciate it.

Officer reynolds.

Sneed, you can drive
these boys to rocket's.

Yes, ma'am.

Nice little town you found
yourself back there, sneed.

Friendly as a rattlesnake.

I didn't exactly have
the best references.

Shoulda asked me.

Look, i made some
mistakes back in laborde,

And i'm sorry for it...

Especially about me
and you, leonard.

Truth is, after what happened,

I had a long look in the mirror,

And i didn't like what i saw.

I wish i could go back
and change it, but...

Life just moves
forward, don't it?

So let me ask you a question.

Just who are you?

And where's that turd stain
that was just driving us?

Look, i just wanted to say it.

You believe what you want.

You never did tell me
what you're here for.

Looking for florida grange.

Came down here on
a business trip.

Never made it back to laborde.

Now nobody knows where she is.

That's funny.

Define "funny."

I heard she left town.

From who?

Chief cantuck.

He's the boss man down here.

Whatcha want ya for
christmas, huh?

You want your little hula-hoop?

See, all right, look,

You don't tug on
santa's whiskers, now.

Take away santa's beard, he
ain't nothin' but a man.

You ever seen a hairless cat?

Just bald head to tail.

You babies remember aunt peg?
Huh?

Oh, look at you
two, all growed up!

You gonna go make some
shadow puppets and, uh...

That's the sorriest
santa i ever saw.

He's gonna scare the kids.

I told him to shower first,

But he didn't wanna
mess with his hair.

Officer, you mind keepin'
an eye on these two?

Of course.

Not like i'm trying to run
a police station or any...

Thank you, peg. What i got?

Detective blank.

My office.

All right. Come on, now.
Love "santy's" neck.

There you go.

That's a... whoa, ho, ho, ho!

Merry christmas.

Glad i kept the receipt.

Get that suit from goodwill?

Mm. It's only been
worn a few times.

Besides, beats the hell out of

Spendin' the day with
the wife and in-laws.

You know what she got
me for christmas?

What's that? Carton
of nicotine gum.

You heard from hap collins?

No, but i went by leonard's.

He's got a couple chuckleheads
watching the place.

Seems he took him a little
trip to grovetown with hap.

God damn it, charlie.

When were you gonna
tell me about that?

Well, i just found out about it.

Shit.

What'd you think
was gonna happen,

Them two sewed
together at the dicks?

Hell, i knew they were dumb.

I didn't think that
they were that dumb.

Never underestimate
their dumbness.

Anyway, you don't
need me anymore,

I got to go out and make merry.

You know, uh, it ain't my place
to say maybe, but, uh...

I don't believe i'd sent
hap collins down there,

It was me.

Shit happens down there.

Thank you, charlie.

Chief cantuck wants you
to handle this one,

Being how he's your
people and all.

Wants him buried quick.

What's the hurry?

He ain't goin' nowhere.

Just clean him up and
get him in the ground.

No autopsy?

No reason for it.

How long you plannin'
on being here?

Long as we have to,
not a minute more.

He means until we find florida.

She was here,
somebody'd know it.

Ain't the kinda place a
black woman on her own

Wouldn't stand out.

We'll see.

As soon as your car's fixed,

You best be on your
way, you hear?

Ain't nobody here.

I mean, it is christmas.

Leonard.

Yeah?

Sneed was laughin'
at us, wasn't he?

Aw, no, hap.

Probably on his way back
to the orphanage right now

To go do some volunteer work.

What you think?

Think he's still laughin' at us.

All the way back to town.

And it's a long
way back to town.

I don't know about you, hap,

But i sure am startin'
to like this place.

Oh, it's like "mayberry"...

Meets "deliverance."

Reminds me of the
kind of place that

Bad shit'd happen to black
folk when i was a kid.

I hate to bust your
liberal bubble, hap,

But bad shit's still
happenin' to black people.

I don't like the idea that
florida is down here on her own.

Don't go underestimatin'
the power of

A strong, black, educated woman.

Probably holed up on the black
side of town right now,

Havin' a turkey dinner.

You seen the black side of town?
Hell yeah.

It's usually near the
city dump, sewage plant,

Nuclear reactor if they got one.

Or maybe we passed her
on the way up here

And she poundin' that
puddin' to old hanson

One more time 'fore christmas.

Are you pedalin' back there?

Hell yeah! Tryin' to
make up for yo ass!

Damn!

I been thinkin' about what you
said in the car last night.

You remember?

You said you met the devil.

Look like you lost this one.

Cheap insulation
do it every time.

Yeah. Damn shame.

I found these elvis
cards, though,

So it's not a total loss.

Soon as the heat gets off
'em, i might just keep these.

Why?

'cause elvis is on 'em.

You wanna grab that ace
of elvis there for me?

Hey, hey. Head up here.

What are you lookin' at?

That ain't my dick you're
dreamin' on there.

I've got a twisted nut.

It's about to blow up
like goddamn hiroshima.

I-i'm hap collins,
and this is...

I know who you are.

Heard someone tinkered
with your automobile.

They stuck a... um, an american
flag through the windshield.

Patriotic fervor.

Runs strong around here.

There's some strong
words on the car, too.

I'd have blushed if i could.

What do you expect?

You two girls come
waltzin' in here,

Holding hands, riding that bike.

People don't cotton that
kind of shit down here.

We just lookin' for a friend
of ours, florida grange.

Colored gal.

That depends on what
color you meanin'.

You go on like that all day,
or you got an "off" button?

No, he... he... he's just
worried about florida 'cause,

Uh, see, she's... Uh,
she's his sister.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
that's my sister,

And i'm worried sick about her.
Mm-hmm.

Your sister, huh?

That's right. They both work for me.
Yeah.

Uh, she came down here to
do some business, and...

And we ain't heard
from her since and...

And it's christmas, and it...
It's the only family i got.

When i was just a little kid,

I tore the ass out
of a few chickens

Puttin' the old dick to 'em.

Got so every time my mama found
a dead chicken lyin' around,

She'd take the belt to me.

She'd hear a pig
squeal at night,

And she'd come to my
room and whup me.

A-a-a-and your point is?

My point is...

I'd put the old dick to anything
that ain't nailed down,

And if i'd do a chicken,

I'd sure as hell
do a colored gal.

And that ol' florida grange,

She's a way lot better-lookin'
than a chicken.

Must've been hard
livin' with a...

Sister lookin' that fine.

I'll bet you thought about

Puttin' old moby dick to
her more than once, huh?

Whoo-whoo-whoo-wah-wah!

French kiss your mama
with that mouth?

Don't you talk about
my mama, boy.

I ain't your boy. I
served my country

So that your little swollen-nut
ass could live free.

Then don't you lie to me
about her bein' your sister

And that she works for this
bleedin'-heart mechanic.

I'm the law in this shithole.

And you best remember that, boy.

In my office.

Shit.

Don't you boys
take me for a fool

Just 'cause i got a choked nut.

I'm the goddamn chief of police,

And that deserves some respect.

Now, i'm gonna tell
you this once.

That colored lawyer,
she came down here

To do some business over
at the radio station.

She done it. She's gone.

That's it.

Hear the klan runnin' really
strong down here in grovetown.

Yeah, they're an ignorant
bunch of mean bastards,

But i'm meaner.

And they know what they
can and cannot do.

So if you're thinkin' what
i think you're thinkin',

You can think again.

That's a lot of thinkin'.

Are you smartin' me, son?

No sir.

I just want to find
my friend, go home.

And i told you she's gone.

Now get your dumb, white ass,
and get your smart friend,

And get out of my vehicle.

And, hey, hey.

I don't wanna ever
see you lookin' at

Or talkin' about my balls again.

It's a sensitive subject.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Just so you know...

I never raped a
chicken in my life.

I just figured that was the sort
of thing you expect me to say

Because that's the way
you do-gooders think.

So...

Did you do the pigs?

Get out of my car, swiftie.

Pull over, pull over.
Brakes here aren't so good.

Aw, shit. Wait! Damn.
God damn it!

Who says there's no room for
the blues on christmas,

Am i right?

Of course i'm right.

That was a blast from the past

To jingle your bells
and warm you up fast.

Merry christmas to one and all.

Here's your main man sonny knox

Comin' 'atcha all the way
from the north pole,

Home of the one, the only 96.6,

Your blues fix radio.

We are one week away from
saying goodbye to the '80s,

And as we do every year,

We are going to play

The greatest blues
songs of the century.

Tune in bright and early with
me, your host, sonny knox.

Sonny knox.

Here's one that'll really
tangle your tinsel,

Comin' 'atcha by alabama slim.

My hand to god, when i
took this place over,

It was on its last leg.

Now i'm broadcast
in three states

From bumbleshitsburg grovetown.

So i'm talkin' to the
boys up in nashville...

Sonny knox, got
blues in my socks.

Just a reminder... In
the mood for comfort?

Keith's sofa barn off route 59

Offers widest selection
of recliners

At a price that can't be beat.

Speaking of beats,

Here's a gem from porterhouse clemens.
Were we?

So, anyway, i'm thinkin'
of moving up there.

That's the big time.

Then these bible-thumpin',
shit-kickin' racist moose dicks

Will really miss me.

Sonny, we just need to find out

What you know about
florida grange.

Oh, she was here,
day before last.

Almost did a deal with her and
her client, bobby joe soothe.

What, soothe?

Any relation to l.C.? Grandson.

He came in here the other day
lookin' like he took a dump

And found gold in the bowl.

Said he had this long-lost
recording of his granddaddy,

The late, great l.C. Soothe.

Last song he recorded
before he died.

Found it in the
great aunt's attic.

Some say it's the
greatest blues song ever.

Nobody even knew a
recording existed

Until bobby joe walked
in here the other day

Offerin' to sell it.

If it was the real thing,

worth a fortune.

Think it was the real deal?

In my humble but expert
opinion, it was.

So what happened?

Nothin'.

Bobby joe said he'd
talk to his lawyer,

This miss grange.

We arranged a meeting,
i got the cash ready,

Then bobby joe
dropped off the map.

Haven't seen her since
they found the body.

Body? Body?

You guys didn't hear?

They found bobby joe hangin'
off the grovetown bridge

Two days ago.

Wait. He... he... he dead?

Deader than a dodo bird.

If i didn't know any better,
i'd say that curse was real.

Curse? What... what curse?

Folks say whoever listens
to that song is cursed.

But i listened to it.
Look at me.

I don't believe in
any of that crap.

I believe in three things...

Music, business, and the
great american dollar.

Hey, it's sonny here. 96.6. Curses?
Come on. Bullshit.

Leave a message.

Mr. Knox, this is the
grovetown fire department.

Call us as soon as you can.

We regret to inform you
your house just burnt down.

Merry christmas.

My house is...

My elvis cards!

My elvis cards!

Damn.

Somethin' ain't right, hap.

Nope. It ain't.

Florida came down here
to meet with a client,

And he turns up dead?

And now she's gone?

Why didn't old swollen nuts

Tell us that bobby joe was dead?

Mm. Playin' them elvis
cards close to the vest.

Maybe he has somethin'
to do with it...

Ring in the new year with a
little cracker-cop pastime.

What i'd like to know is

What's a guy doin' with a
recording worth that much money,

And he ends up swingin'
from a bridge?

Maybe he ain't had no
choice in the matter.

Why do i get the feeling
that people are watching us?

That's 'cause they are.

I'm startin' to get that
"twilight zone" feeling again.

Yeah. Yeah, i'm
gonna call hanson.

Play it cool now, buddy...

Real cool.

Hi. How you doin', ma'am?

Uh...

Like to order some food.

Two pulled pork sandwiches,

Some side of slaw,

Two dr. Peppers.

Two pigs on bread with slaw.

Make that to go.

I left a message for hanson.

He's gonna call us back here.

I hope he's quick.

Mm. Oh, ma'am, uh...

Lookin' for this lady.

Seen her anywhere?

Don't recall. Sorry.

Right.

What you doin' with him?

He work for you?

Billy.

They're just getting some food.

I'm just talkin' to 'em, mama.

So?

Actually, uh, i work for him.

What?

Yeah. Uh, we're, uh...

We're ge's.

Huh?

It's government exterminators.

Yeah, w-we just got
in from laborde.

See, uh, laborde's
been overrun...

By christmas ants.

Ain't never heard of
no christmas ants.

Mm. Neither did
people in laborde.

Yeah, you see, uh, these ants,

See, they ain't
ordinary ants, no.

Mutations.

Yeah.

They snuck over here

On a boatload of
mangos from the congo.

Yeah, that's why had to...

To fly dr. Bagoomba
here in from kenya.

He's the world's leading
authority on christmas ants.

Dr. Bagoomba?

Why don't you fill
these boys in on

Some of the horrors
you've seen back home?

Uh...

Oh, man.

Mm.

Horrible.

Mm. Bad.

Mm. Bad.

You, uh... you fellas
got some credentials?

We, uh...

I got a, uh...

We... aw. Did we... did
we leave 'em in the car?

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Oh. Excuse me, fellas.

Uh, that's the
government callin'.

Hanson?

Talk to me.

This is one backward place, man.

What about florida?
- I have no idea.

You know that guy that...

That she was comin'
down here to meet?

Yeah, he's dead.

They found him hangin'
from the town bridge.

Hanson? Hanson!

I heard you. I'm
coming down there.

Where are you and
leonard stayin'?

There's a garage on
the way into town.

Th-there's this big-ass
rocket on the roof.

You... you can't miss it, no.
I got to go.

Uh, i'll meet you there.

Hey.

They spotted an army of those
ants 5 miles east of here.

They're marching.

In a column, two by two.

Come on. We gotta go.

Yeah.

Enjoy, sirs.

I made it special for you boys.

Oh, and, hey...

May the force be with you.

Godspeed.

Go.

Ants marchin' in a
column two by two?

What the hell was that?
Was a military touch.

I thought you'd appreciate it.
Pbht!

We had 'em until you
brought up the pygmies.

Oh, come on. Move.

Son of a bitch!

Hey! Damn it!

Come on!

Hey!

God damn!

Get 'em!

Get 'em!

Ah, there. Yeah.

What's the plan?

I don't know! I was
followin' you!

Hey, you said, "get in."

I said "get them,"
get the truck.

What the hell is wrong wi'chu?

Oh! Oh, now, that
makes more sense.

So what we gonna do?

I don't know. It was your idea.

Ugh!

You guys have a
nice christmas now.

Nope. I ain't seen her.

I'd remember if i did...
Good-lookin' woman.

That's a different attitude
from most people around here.

I like women.

Mm, like 'em dark, light,
fat, skinny, short, tall.

Dated a midget once... Like
legitimate circus fare,

But, uh, didn't last too long.
We didn't see eye to eye.

Everybody always laughs at that,

But, no, for real,
she's crazy as hell.

I ain't like other
people in this town.

Shit, i don't care if
your skin's purple,

You got bones through
your nose holes.

You got any idea where a
woman like that might stay,

Uh, in a town like this?

Mm... Not in town,
that's for sure.

Uh, maybe over on the southside.

That's the black part of town...

Not that i see it
that way, but, mm...

I toldja.

Yeah, cross the railroad tracks.

Caught me.

Just doing a little light readin'...
articles.

Sorry i can't help you
out with the lady,

But i tell you what...

Why don't we call it
a wash on that bike?

Car's gonna take me a
day or two, though.

Oh, i see you're eyein'
them pickled pigs feet.

I am runnin' a special on
these delicious morsels.

Temptin'. We got
sandwiches, though.

Say a couple of fellas needed
a place to stay the night,

One of 'em happens
to not be white...

Where might you suggest?

Well, if it's the two gentlemen
standin' in front of me...

They're in luck.

You might notice a faint
smell when you first get in!

Tenants had a little
run-in with a chihuahua

And an oven little while back.

You get used to it quick!

How 'bout i throw in utilities?

What utilities?

That generator's gas.

Don't run itself.

Did i mention i'm the only
place that'll put y'all up?

I'm taking the bed.

My sciatica's
starting to act up.

Is it too late for
me to stay home?

Either way, it's a
home for the holidays.

That boy ain't tellin'
us everything he knows.

Damn grease monkey.

Got oil between his teeth...
All 12 of 'em.

Oh, he seemed nice enough to me.

Least he was tryin'.

Must be nice bein' white
and trustin' people.

You know, man,

Sometimes,

You are like a man standin'
in a hole, lookin' down.

All you see is the dark.

Ugh.

What? What's up?

Damn bed smell like
eau de toilet.

I'm sleepin' on the couch.
Crabs like dark meat.

Suit yourself.

Damn that sumbitch!

Smell this!

I know that smell
is her perfume,

You lyin' sack of shit!

I don't know what
you're talkin' about!

Florida grange! She was here!

I'm tellin' you, she asked me

Not to let anyone know
she was stayin' here.

That... that's why i lied.

Why the hell would she do that?

Said she just went
through a bad breakup,

Didn't want her ex to
know where she was.

How long was she here?

Just that one night.

You wouldn't happen to be lyin'
to us again, now, would ya?

Would ya? No, i-i swear on
my poor mother's grave.

She left that morning,

And i ain't seen
her since, honest.

She say where she was goin'?
I dunno.

Did she say where
she was going?!

I woke up that morning...
She was gone already.

I was b-bein' straight
up with you fellas.

Aw, come on. All that talk about

How much you love women got me to
thinkin' about you. Yeah, right.

I talk too much,
i talk too much.

I always have. I...

It was just talk.
It was just talk.

That's... that's how
come i got no friends.

Or maybe i talk too much
because i got no friends.

'cause i don't know.

Maybe i get on people's nerves.

You get on florida's nerves?

I ain't gonna lie.

Yeah, i thought about maybe
makin' a play for her.

Woman like that,
what man wouldn't?

But...

Sort of puts a damper

On the whole romance side
of things, don't it?

Drop your pants,
woman sees this...

Sort of thing you got to
come around to slowly,

And she was only staying
the one night so...

Pbht!

You hear her mention a fella
named bobby joe soothe?

Fella that hung himself
from the bridge?

No, she didn't mention him.

Hung himself?

That's what they're sayin'.

Who's sayin'?

The police are.

But they got a
funny relationship

With the truth sometimes.

"they are like a breath;

Their days are like
a fleeting shadow."

Huh?

Scripture.

My daddy was a preacher.

Was he now?

Funny.

What?

Them folk, they care for their
own, same as we do ours.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Make 'em almost seem human.

Doesn't it?

They're human enough
to mourn, i guess.

Well, they say elephants mourn.

That don't make them human.

You got this?

Yeah. I got it.

Good. I got better things to do

Than watch that shit
get put in the hole.

I mean, it'd make sense,

Her being on the southside.

Tell you the truth, i'd prefer
her with our own people.

How come nobody has
heard from her?

Maybe hanson ain't as honest
as we'd like him to be.

Maybe florida's not
wantin' no one to know

Where she at 'cause
a good reason.

So you believe tim's theory?

I mean, hanson's tough.

But he holdin' on hard.

I mean, just because
he actin' sincere

Don't mean he ain't puttin'
pressure on the girl

To come back... wife or no wife.

Men be like that sometime.

Man, i had no idea

You knew so much about
heterosexual relationships.

Just like the gay
ones, just twisted.

What if...

What if he sent you here
to do his dirty work?

Well, either way, i'm
doin' the dirty work.

And either way, i want
to make sure she's safe.

So tomorrow we go
to the southside.

Oh, correction... I'ma
go to the southside.

You gonna stay here
and wait for hanson.

Unh-unh. No, no, no, no.

We both go to the southside,

And we... We leave
a note for hanson.

I am not takin' your
honky ass behind me.

Them folk gonna
clam up for sure.

Hey, i took you to
the white side.

Well, that's different.
I'm handsome.

Look, look, you get to
go in town and be white,

Do white people things...
Play golf.

Uh, you can get

That hall & oates record
you always wanted.

What if i find you
hangin' from a bridge?

Look, just hope i find her

And we can put this place
behind us in our rearview.

I don't like splittin' up...

Especially in a place like this.

I love you, too, hap.

But trust me on this.
I'ma be all right.

Fine. Fine.

Just sit down, sit down.

Yeah.

What's that?

What? I got somethin'
in my teeth?