Hap and Leonard (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Two-Bear Mambo - full transcript
Leonard lands himself in jail for burning down his neighbor's crack house. Hap makes a deal with Lt. Hanson: he'll go to Grovetown, a notorious Klan town, to find a missing Florida Grange if Hanson lets Leonard out of jail.
Previously on
Hap and Leonard.
Who the hell is that?
***
I'm glad 'bout
what happened between us.
I just have a feeling
that I might never see you again.
It just doesn't work.
In the end,
it's always me and you.
[INSECTS CHIRPING, FROG CROAKING]
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
BELINDA:
Some roads you don't cross.
L.C. Soothe learned that
the day the Devil
came to Grovetown.
[TRAIN HORN BLARES]
_
L.C. had the Blues in his heart,
but his fingers were
stiff as a corpse.
So he killed a chicken,
boiled its blood,
and called up the Devil.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
[WHOOSH]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
♪ EERIE MUSIC ♪
♪♪
[ZIPPER OPENS]
♪♪
[BOTH URINATING]
♪♪
Ahh.
♪♪
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
[CREAKING]
♪♪
[BLUES RIFF PLAYING]
♪♪
[DRUMS PLAY IN DISTANCE]
♪♪
[GUITAR PLAYING]
♪♪
♪♪
With old Scratch
pumping through his veins,
L.C. became the best
Blues player ever lived.
♪♪
But the Devil makes no deals
he don't get a little
something extra.
♪♪
Every time L.C. played,
that damn Devil got a little
piece of somebody's soul...
and replaced it with
a little bit of himself.
[INDISTINCT TALKING, CHEERING]
♪♪
♪♪
And that little bit of the Devil
made the people of Grovetown
crazy mean sons of bitches.
[SCREAMING]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
♪♪
♪ HOROR BACKROUND SOUND ♪
♪♪
♪♪
[GAGGING]
[GAGGING STOPS]
[FROG CROAKS]
BELINDA: Bad things happened
on the tracks that night.
[FROG CROAKS]
♪♪
Some say the Devil
never left this place.
Some say he never will.
What the hell happened
to you boys back there?
BELINDA:
The black and white brothers
from way across the tracks
found that out.
♪♪
Found it out the hard way.
♪ CREDITS ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
_
♪ SOFT GUITAR ♪
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF, CAR DOOR OPENS]
♪♪
[DOOR DINGING]
Come on.
I got you, bro.
Easy.
♪♪
[CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS]
♪♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
You don't want a hand?
♪ ANXIETY GROWING ♪
[LIGHT CLICKS]
♪♪
[LIGHT CLICKS]
♪♪
[LIGHT CLICKS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
CLINTON: Hey.
You need anything?
Nah.
Got everything I need
right here.
♪ TENSION BUILDING ♪
["CHRISTMAS TIME'S A-COMIN'"
PLAYS]
_
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ And I know I'm goin' home ♪
♪ Snowflakes a-fallin' ♪
♪ My old home's a-callin' ♪
♪ Tall pine's are hummin' ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ Can't ya hear them bells
ringin', ringin'? ♪
♪ Joy, joy, hear them singin' ♪
♪ When it's snowin'
I'll be goin' ♪
♪ Back to my country home ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
Ho, ho, ho,
you crack-smokin' mother...
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ And I know I'm goin' home ♪
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
♪ SOLO BANJO ♪
[SCREAMS]
♪♪
[BOTH GRUNTING]
♪♪
Aah! I'm on fire!
Santa's comin'
to spread some holiday cheer
and whoop some ass.
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
- SINGING: Christmas time's a-comin'
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
- SINGING: Christmas time's a-comin'
- Christmas...
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ And I know I'm goin' home ♪
I'm on fire!
- What?
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
[SCREAMS]
Get! Don't you come back now,
ya hear?
♪ And I know I'm goin' home ♪
HAP: Aw, no, Leonard.
- Not again.
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
- I told y'all.
LEONARD: I don't want no drugs
in my neighborhood.
[BOTTLES RATTLE]
Get on, now! Get!
Hey, Hap!
[RADIO CRASHES, MUSIC STOPS]
Leonard.
- You, too!
- [SCREAMS]
I'm on fire!
[SHOUTING]
[SIREN WAILS]
- Aah!
- Hey, hold still.
Hold still!
Hey, man, you just hittin' me now!
You probably want to rethink
this hairdo anyway.
Aah! Come on, man!
Come on!
This shit is dope!
Good to see you again, Cletus.
What happened
to your mohawk?
That ain't a mohawk.
That's a high top.
Is that what it is?
[SIREN WAILS]
I guess it's about time you
changed that out anyway, huh?
That's exactly what I said.
Man, this is a hot box, man.
Yeah, well, you about to spend
New Year's behind bars.
What?
Th-This dude hit me!
I had a flamin' hot box comin' at me.
Had to put him down
to put him out.
I thought you quit.
Yeah, well, I like to quit
a few times a year.
That way she tastes that much
better when I get back to her.
Uh-huh.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Damn.
I think this might be
Leonard's best one yet.
Practice makes all the difference.
Dopin' sons of bitches.
Get the hell out of here!
- [GROANS]
- That's the last of 'em.
- Merry Christmas, Charlie.
- Merry Christmas, Leonard.
I was just tellin' Hap this
might be your best one yet.
Yeah.
A thing of beauty, ain't it?
Y'all just not gonna get me
any medical attention?
[HANDCUFFS CLICK, SIRENS WAILING]
Quit whining, Cletus.
[WOOD CLATTERING, GLASS SHATTERING]
- Name?
- Uh, Boogie Wilson.
Merry Christmas, Boogie.
Take a seat. Name?
- HAP: What the hell am I doin' here?
- Aiding and abetting.
- I saved a man's life tonight.
- I seen it on my own porch.
I mean, Hap's a hero.
Should get a-a Samaritan award
or somethin'.
- Right.
- Man,
I'm putting cases
on both your asses.
Shut up, Cletus.
It's Christmas Eve.
Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men.
- Go sit down now.
- All that crap.
Cletus Carter the Third, welcome back.
Take a seat.
Thank you, ma'am.
That's better.
Collins and Pine.
Pine and Collins.
Welcome back.
Heard this one was the best yet,
Leonard.
Thank you, ma'am.
I set the bar high for myself.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
All right, let's go.
I want to show you two
shit birds something.
[DRUMROLL]
Wife got me started at this.
Thought it'd help me quit smoking.
She got me a book on it.
Right there's a duck.
Look like a spider to me.
HAP: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Workin' on my bunny rabbit.
Bunny rabbit.
- Spider.
- Spider.
Oh.
That's a pussy.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me that book of yours
got a chapter on shadow vaginas.
Well, here.
Leonard, this one's for you.
Wock!
Charlie!
Where that hell is Hanson?
He's on his way.
Take my advice... Don't pull
your smart-ass routine
on him when he gets here.
He's been in a shitty mood
since him and Florida broke up.
[SCOFFS]
Well, I've been there.
He's trying to work things out
with the wife.
Unh.
They got kids, ya know.
- I know.
- Hap.
- I don't care.
- Hap!
What?
Just 'cause she broke up with him
don't make it good news for you.
- Did I say it was?
- Oh, but you was thinkin' it.
Detective.
Guy in cell three wants
we should call his wife,
tell her to tape a nature show
special off the TV.
Otherwise, he's gonna miss it.
It's a special about bears.
- Hey, Peg.
- Uh-huh?
What's this look like to you?
Whew!
TOGETHER: Spider.
Oh. God damn.
NARRATOR: As the snow melts
and Mother Sun returns,
they awaken from their slumber.
High atop a quagmire,
we find Ginger bear.
We'll be seeing her again.
With winter gone
and a tug in her loins,
she goes looking for a mate
and a safe place for her cubs
during the mating season.
Spring is for romance.
[ALL GROAN, MAN WOLF-WHISTLES]
Can you believe this shit?
I mean...
I don't believe it.
[BEARS GROWLING]
Two bears doin' the mambo
right there on TV.
Mm-mm.
You think bear dicks get swelled
up in a knot like dog dicks do?
I don't know, Cletus.
I never finished my degree
on bear dicks.
Oh, Hap, stop lyin'.
Now you're just bein' modest.
CHARLIE:
You know, when I was a kid,
they wouldn't even show
one dog behind the other
in case something like this happened.
BOOGIE: World's changin', man.
Ain't nothin' sacred
out there no mo'.
CLETUS: Amen.
Girl bear looks bored.
[NARRATOR SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Remind you of your wife,
Detective Blank?
[BEAR GROWLS]
[LAUGHTER]
All right!
Get it out.
Get it out.
HANSON: Put these dipsticks
back in their cells.
I want you in my office.
Now.
[CELL DOORS UNLOCKING,
CREAKING IN DISTANCE]
Just Collins.
Leonard.
Remind me to stop bein' friends
with you.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
_
If I burnt down every dirtbag's
house 'round here,
the whole town'd be cinders.
They was sellin' drugs, Hanson, to kids.
Now, if you boys would arrest them,
then Leonard wouldn't feel the need
to burn their house down,
now, would he, hm?
It makes us look bad.
So, you gonna take that out on Leonard?
- This is his third strike, Hap.
- Oh, come on.
Just give him one more.
You don't know how baseball
works, do you?
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE]
[SCOFFS]
Ain't heard from Florida, have you?
What?
Have you heard from Florida?
Well, we're not pen pals or nothin'.
I-I saw her
couple of months back.
- Mm.
- She was out with some friends.
Nothin' special.
Suppose you heard we broke up.
Oh, that...
that is a damn shame.
If you wanna dance,
get up, have at it.
I always thought that you two
were just the...
the best couple.
I...
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Well, I'm worried about her.
She went down to Grovetown
the other day.
Oh.
See a client.
Told her it was a bad idea, but...
[SCOFFS]
she wouldn't listen.
Well, Grovetown's always a bad idea.
I mean, she can take care of herself.
She's smart.
Maybe too smart for her own good.
She called me from there yesterday.
I didn't like the way she sounded.
Well, I tried.
I tried everything.
Told her, "Baby, come on home,"
but she just said,
"I can't. Not yet."
Thing that's got me shook,
though, is...
h-how she said it.
Sounded scared.
Where do I come into all this?
I want you to go down there
and bring her home.
- What, me?
- You.
What... What about you?
I'm back with the wife.
It wouldn't look good I go
chasin' after Florida, you know?
- Well...
- 'Sides, I got kids.
It's Christmas.
But you, you got nobody.
- I got Leonard.
- Well, his ass is in jail.
Shit, Hanson.
Grovetown?
- Send Charlie.
- Charlie's police.
This ain't police business.
It's personal.
You do this for me,
I'll let Leonard out of jail
when you get back.
I do this for you,
you gotta let Leonard
out of jail now.
Tonight.
["I'M GONNA LASSO SANTA CLAUS" PLAYS]
♪♪
Grovetown gives shitholes
a bad name, Hap.
Yep.
I've heard the stories.
It's a two-hour ride
but a hundred years away.
They don't like black folk there
unless they swabbin' out the
toilet or sweepin' the floor
or steppin' off the curb
let the white man pass.
Klan's alive and kickin' there.
Call themselves the Supreme
Order of Caucasian Assholes,
some such shit.
Well, if it's so bad, why did
Hanson ask us to go there?
Well, he ain't askin' you.
He's askin' Hap.
- Well, it's the same thing.
- No, it ain't the same thing!
Guy like you in Grovetown start
the next goddamn Civil War.
Well, I can't help it
if I'm burstin' with charm.
You're burstin' with bullshit's
what you're burstin' with.
Now, Hap, you take my advice.
You go down there,
you get in, you get out.
You don't take Leonard with you.
Grovetown and black folk don't mix,
and Leonard Pine does not
play well with others.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
CHARLIE: Remember what I said!
Be back in an hour, partner.
We'll take my car.
Should hit Grovetown by morning.
I'll get the sandwiches and the guns.
What do we need guns for?
Never know.
Might be in the mood
to shoot somethin'.
[SIGHS]
You don't need to do this, ya know.
Ain't doin' it for you, Hap.
Florida's family.
Yeah. Right.
Oh, hey.
Nearly forgot.
Merry Christmas.
You shouldn't have.
Man, I ain't get you nothin'.
I know.
You're the only gift I need, Leonard.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[DOOR CREAKS]
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
♪♪
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]
♪♪
[LOCK CLICKS]
♪ SOFT GUITAR ♪
[FLOOR CREAKS]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[FLOOR CREAKS QUIETLY]
♪♪
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]
[CREAKING]
Aaaaah!
[GRUNTING]
- Come on, man!
- Come on, please!
We don't want...
We don't want no trouble!
The hell you doin' in my house?
Was guardin' the house next
door, but then we got hungry,
and them crackheads
don't got shit to eat.
- Ah...
- Yeah! Yeah, we went to get pizza,
came back, and we seen you
burnt the place down again.
Yeah, and the cops took you in,
so we just figured
we'd use your place to eat.
This look like a cafeteria to you?
No. But it's a real nice place
you got.
There's some pizza in
the kitchen if you're hungry.
- You can have some.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you can have it.
What kind of pizza?
["DREAMER" PLAYS ON RADIO]
♪♪
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
♪♪
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
♪♪
["DREAMER" PLAYS]
♪ Dreamer ♪
♪ I've been called ♪
♪ A dreamer ♪
♪ With no future at all ♪
♪ They call me dreamer boy ♪
♪ Oh, but that's all right ♪
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- ♪ 'Cause I know ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ That you know ♪
- Hap.
- Florida.
- ♪ I'm more than a dreamer ♪
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Ladies.
- ♪ And with you, darlin' ♪
- You're lookin' good.
♪ I can make it ♪
- But then, you always do.
- ♪ By and by ♪
Well, you look the same.
Hm. Hm.
♪♪
Uh, you, uh...
♪ Loser ♪
You wanna dance?
♪ They say I won't succeed ♪
Uh...
♪♪
- ♪ Refuser ♪
- Sure.
Watch my bag.
♪ To conformity ♪
♪ But I believe a man ♪
♪ Should reach over yonder
to touch a star ♪
♪ 'Cause with his hands
in the dirt ♪
♪ Doin' that eight-hour work ♪
♪ A man just can't go far ♪
♪ You got to be a dreamer ♪
♪ And with you, darlin' ♪
♪ I can make it ♪
♪ By and by ♪
♪♪
♪ I'll dream us up ♪
♪ A paradise ♪
♪ Just you and me ♪
♪ And sugar and spice ♪
♪ Yes, I'm a dreamer ♪
♪ And I'll make it
in this old world ♪
♪ Dream... ♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
[DOOR CREAKS]
Florida?
[DOOR CREAKS AND CLOSES]
Florida?
[CHUCKLES]
[SNIFFS]
[SWITCH CLICKS]
You gonna sniff them, too?
Jesus, Hanson!
Damn!
That's creepy.
What the hell you doin' here?
Shit, I'm a cop.
What's your excuse?
I just figured I'd check.
See if she got back.
You didn't believe me about her,
did you?
Hmm?
Oh, truth is, uh...
I half expected her to be here.
Hidin' from you.
That girl don't hide from nothin'.
That's what I'm scared of.
Don't know when to quit
pickin' the scabs.
Damn.
What is it about women, Collins?
Take cavemen like us,
twist our peckers up into knots, and...
leave us to untie 'em.
Shit ain't right.
No, that's just the good ones.
Best ones twist 'em up
so damn tight
[CHUCKLES]
you can't untie 'em.
Me and her.
Mm.
It was good for a while there.
Then it went sour.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, I know what you mean, Marvin.
[CHUCKLES]
You don't know shit.
Don't call me "Marvin."
I spent a year and a half
in a lovin' relationship with that girl.
You [CHUCKLES]
spent the night
in a truck.
Was one hell of a night.
I'ma stop you right there
'fore you make me do
somethin' I might regret.
Why don't you just go home, Hanson, huh?
Spend Christmas Eve with your kids.
I'll call you when I find her.
You'll wanna check that
answering machine 'fore you go.
[LIQUID SWISHES]
[BEEP]
BOBBY JOE: Hey, Ms. Grange,
it's Bobby Joe.
I appreciate you meetin' up with us
with the holidays and all.
We'll be around at the, uh...
the radio station around
1:00 p.m. with Mr. Knox
to go over all the paperwork.
And, uh, thanks again, ya hear.
[BEEP]
HANSON: Hey, sweet potato.
It's your sugar bear.
Rawr!
[FAST-FORWARDING]
Skip that one.
[CLICK, BEEP]
SONNY: Ms. Grange,
Sonny Knox, 96.6 Radio.
Tryin' to reach Bobby Joe.
If you hear from him,
please have him call
as soon as possible.
Want to get this deal done.
It's a great opportunity for your client
and for me, as well.
Thank you. Hope to see both
of you soon, counselor.
Merry Christmas, all that jazz.
[CLICK]
Hm.
Any idea who the Bobby Joe guy is?
Number was a pay phone.
And the Knox character?
I left a message.
Maybe he's celebratin' the holidays.
I'll check him out
when I get down there, huh?
- Hap.
- Mm-hmm?
Go get her and bring her back.
I'll do my best.
That I promise you.
I'm gonna hold you to it.
Yeah.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[BELL TOLLING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Hey.
[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV]
Hey.
- BOTH: Hey.
♪♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
Leon and Clinton.
I'll explain later.
They're gonna watch the house
while we're gone.
Ain't that right, boys?
Yeah.
Works out good, too.
Got a ant problem at our place.
We're better off here.
Christmas ants, ya know?
Uh, nope.
Not sure if I do.
You know, those ants that only
come out at Christmastime.
They everywhere this time of year!
Our house is full
of those little dudes.
Goddamn Christmas ants!
- They red or green or...
- Nah.
They just come out at Christmas.
They Christmas ants.
Yeah, there's ants
in my underwear drawer.
That's 'cause your underwear
ain't clean.
Man, what you doin'
in my underwear drawer?
You know they ate my banana?
I left it on the table, and they ate it.
[CRUNCHES]
Right.
Oh.
Uh, Leonard.
We gotta go.
You turkeys help yourself
to whatever's in the fridge.
I counted my cookies, so hands off.
BOTH: Yes!
[DOOR CLOSES]
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]
[FROG CROAKING]
♪♪
["LOVE TO RIDE" PLAYS]
♪♪
♪ Said, Lord ♪
♪ How I love to ride ♪
♪♪
♪ Yes, Lord ♪
♪ How I love to ride ♪
♪ Over the prairie,
across to the mountainside ♪
♪♪
♪ I went down
to my prayin' ground ♪
♪ Fell down on my knees ♪
♪♪
♪ I went down
to my prayin' ground ♪
♪ And fell down on my knees ♪
Mm.
- Goddamn fly.
- ♪ I ain't cryin' for no religion ♪
♪ Lord, give me back
my good gal, please ♪
♪ Well ♪
♪ Lord ♪
♪ How I love to ride ♪
♪ I said, Lord ♪
_
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Mornin'.
Howdy.
Aw, that's
a fine-lookin' man.
Ain't he a picture, Pete?
- Th-Thank you, ma'am.
- Yeah.
You got a bathroom I can use?
It's broke.
Go around behind the shack.
Oh.
Whatchu doin' with that cracker?
You in trouble, son?
That is one sorry-lookin'
white boy.
What you and him doin' together?
Just travelin'.
With him?
What for?
To tell you the truth,
he had brain fever as boy.
Ain't too bright.
My mama used to work
for his mama when we was kids.
When she died, we felt sorry
for him and took him in.
Grew up together.
Kinda feel a little sorry for him.
- Mm.
- Mm.
That's a lordly thing
your mama did,
takin' in a dimwitted white boy
like that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, ma'am.
But, you know,
I use him as a chauffeur.
This way I can keep my eye on him.
Keep him outta trouble.
Bathroom's inside.
It ain't really broke.
You need it?
- Nice little place you got here.
- No.
[LAUGHING] Hey.
Them boiled peanuts?
[CHUCKLES]
I-I ain't had boiled peanuts
long as I can remember.
[LID CLATTERS]
They ain't ready yet.
- Come here, you.
- Damn!
Yes, ma'am.
Your mama must've been
a saintly woman.
Praise be to Jesus.
Where you boys headed?
Uh... Grovetown.
- Grovetown?!
- Grovetown?
- With him?!
- With him?!
- Grovetown.
- [LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- What's so funny?
- Nothin' funny about it.
Whoo-hoo!
Nothin' at all!
You gonna have
a good time in Grovetown.
- [COUGHING]
- Oh.
They gonna love you there.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- Y'all have a nice day.
- Ooh, Lord!
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Merry Christmas, now.
- Grovetown!
- Whoo!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Bless 'em.
What'd you tell them
folks back there?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO]
Nothin'.
♪♪
They sure were findin'
somethin' funny.
Yeah, well, maybe
they ain't used
to black and white folks mixin'.
♪♪
Maybe when we get there,
you lay low.
Stay in the car.
Let me do the talkin'.
♪♪
Whatchu tryin' to say?
What, I can't play it cool?
Nah. Worries me is you like
confrontation too much.
Well, what worries me is that
you don't like it enough, Hap.
I mean, I been in 'Nam.
I can handle Grovetown.
Not just Grovetown.
It's you in Grovetown.
Well, they don't mess with me,
I won't mess with them.
Well, what about
when they do mess with you?
I bear arms.
Wrong answer.
You know what guns means.
It just mean more guns.
I'd rather be judged by 12
than carried by 6.
I just wanna go down there
and find Florida, not...
Well, me, too.
Not have some kind of shootout
like in the O.K. Corral.
♪♪
Whatchu packin' back there?
A shotgun.
Broke it down, in plastic.
Oh, okay.
Couple of Winchesters,
.30-30s
and a .45 with some ammo
in a lockbox.
You bring the Gyrocopter?
In the lockbox, Hap.
- In the lockbox.
- "In the lockbox."
♪♪
[CROW CAWS]
[MUSIC ON RADIO CONTINUES]
LEONARD: Wait a minute.
P-Pull over right here
for a second.
HAP: Mm-hmm.
[MUSIC STOPS]
This here Devil's Crossing.
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
That's what it says.
You don't know what this is?
Nope.
[SCOFFS]
But I bet you gonna tell me.
You ain't go no damn taste in music.
Grew up listenin' to that
Pat Boone imitation bullshit,
then you crossed over
to that hippy-drug shit
they was pumpin' in the '70s.
All right, all right.
So, tell me.
What is the Devil's Crossroads?
Well, legend has it,
old blues man came here
and sold his soul to the Devil,
right here in this spot.
They ate each other's turds,
sucked each other's carrots,
some hocus pocus crap like that.
Anyway, that old boy became
the greatest blues man ever lived.
I thought that was Bobby Johnson.
Oh, no!
He just stoled it from him!
Well, who the hell was it, then?
Boy named L.C. Soothe.
Oh.
[SIGHS]
Uncle Chester said
he went to see him as a kid.
Sparks shot off from his fingers.
- HAP: Oh, get outta here.
- Eyes glowed yellow
as he choked on that old guitar.
Well...
I gotta admit, Hap.
I ain't never heard of him.
Yeah, you ain't the only one.
Any blues fan worth his salt
know who L.C. Soothe is, though.
[CROWS CAWING]
- Say, Hap.
- Mm-hmm.
What would you sell your soul for?
If I said world peace,
you'd only call me a hippie.
You are a hippie.
Hippie mixed
with old-ass hippie.
[CHUCKLES]
What about you?
Oh, that's easy.
Endless supply
of Nilla Wafers,
ocean full o' Dr. P.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, we sound like
a couple old farts.
Don't you even think about it.
Your butt feel like yodeling,
you better pull over
and let it out.
Hey.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
What's his game?
The hell?
I don't know.
Damn, he's close.
The hell?
What's he want?
Come on! Pass!
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]
♪ TENSION BUILDING ♪
HAP: What the hell?
♪♪
[SPITS]
Man!
[LAUGHS]
[ENGINE REVS]
Well, that was neighborly.
[BUTTON CLICKS]
[WIPERS SQUEAK]
Well, maybe we should think
about keeping them guns
up front from now on, huh?
_
♪ GLOOMY MUSIC ♪
[BELL RINGING]
SONNY KNOX OVER THE RADIO:
Merry Christmas, East Texas.
That was a sweet one
from Frog Eyes Johnson,
and you're listenin' to 96.6,
Your Blues Fix,
where the blues never die.
Here's an old classic to put
some bounce in your mistletoe.
♪ Ding, ding, dong
what a big parade ♪
♪ Ding, ding, dong ♪
- ♪ What a big parade ♪
- So much for bad, old Grovetown.
♪ Ding, ding, dong
what a big parade ♪
Place look like a goddamn
Hallmark card.
I don't see any black folk, though.
You noticed, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Keep expectin' Rod Serling
to pop out any minute
and give us the damn lowdown.
[CHUCKLES]
You've crossed over to...
"The Twilight Zone."
"The Twilight Zone."
[BOTH LAUGH]
♪♪
[CAR HORN BLARES]
Ho, ho, ho!
♪ The north wind says
it's going to snow ♪
[COIN CLINKS]
Merry Christmas.
♪ The north wind says
it's going to snow ♪
♪ The north wind says
it's going to snow ♪
♪ And paint
the whole world white ♪
♪♪
_
[MUSIC FADES]
Who the hell
are they supposed to be?
- What, them?
- Yeah.
That's the Three Wise Men.
Look more like
the Three Ken Dolls to me.
Three whitest black people
I ever seen.
Hey, now.
Behave, Leonard.
Aw, come on.
They got a blonde wig on Mary.
- I said behave.
- WOMAN: Can I help you?
[BUTTON CLICKS]
I'm afraid we're all booked up.
The holidays.
You know how it is.
I sure do know how it is.
Uh, ma'am, we were wondering
if this, uh... this woman
was stayin' here.
Her name is Florida Grange.
Nobody by that name
is stayin' here.
Nobody by that color either, I bet.
[KICKS LEONARD]
[GRUNTS]
We don't take kindly
to smart mouths around here.
Now, I told you
that lady is not here,
so I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.
Oh.
I got church service to go to,
and I have to lock up.
Well, we hope you have
a nice day, ma'am, and...
and thank you
so much for your help.
[BELLS JINGLE, DOOR CLOSES]
[BUTTON CLICKS]
Why don't you just
kiss her ass cheeks?
Massage her feet
while you're at it?
Well, I find you get more
with a little sugar
than vinegar, Leonard.
Yeah, well, I was usin' brown sugar.
That always gets me
what I want.
- Ladies.
- Strange.
It's almost as if she didn't like you.
Maybe it was this sexy vest
I was wearin'.
Oh, personally,
I've always found that vest
a little [HUFFS] scary on you.
You check out her hairdo?
Lady gotta have
one heck of a strong neck
to hold that shit up.
[CHUCKLES]
You see the part
where it was braided?
- It looked like a little butthole.
- Oh, gave you a little flutter, huh?
Ha ha, very funny.
[CHUCKLES]
Let's just find Florida,
get out of white-man fantasy
before "Matlock" come on
and you can't find nobody.
[HORN HONKS]
I don't know.
I'm beginning to appreciate
the quaintness of this town.
Why don't you just move here?
♪♪
Or maybe not.
♪ SOMBER MUSIC ♪
Startin' to get that
"Twilight zone" feeling again.
This season on
Hap and Leonard.
We lookin' for Florida Grange.
Nobody knows where she is.
I'm the law and you best
remember that.
Sorry I got you into this mess Leonard.
- ***
- Finish what we started.
If you still here tomorrow,
don't say I didn't warn you.
by LiviuBoss
Hap and Leonard.
Who the hell is that?
***
I'm glad 'bout
what happened between us.
I just have a feeling
that I might never see you again.
It just doesn't work.
In the end,
it's always me and you.
[INSECTS CHIRPING, FROG CROAKING]
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
BELINDA:
Some roads you don't cross.
L.C. Soothe learned that
the day the Devil
came to Grovetown.
[TRAIN HORN BLARES]
_
L.C. had the Blues in his heart,
but his fingers were
stiff as a corpse.
So he killed a chicken,
boiled its blood,
and called up the Devil.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
[WHOOSH]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
♪ EERIE MUSIC ♪
♪♪
[ZIPPER OPENS]
♪♪
[BOTH URINATING]
♪♪
Ahh.
♪♪
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
[CREAKING]
♪♪
[BLUES RIFF PLAYING]
♪♪
[DRUMS PLAY IN DISTANCE]
♪♪
[GUITAR PLAYING]
♪♪
♪♪
With old Scratch
pumping through his veins,
L.C. became the best
Blues player ever lived.
♪♪
But the Devil makes no deals
he don't get a little
something extra.
♪♪
Every time L.C. played,
that damn Devil got a little
piece of somebody's soul...
and replaced it with
a little bit of himself.
[INDISTINCT TALKING, CHEERING]
♪♪
♪♪
And that little bit of the Devil
made the people of Grovetown
crazy mean sons of bitches.
[SCREAMING]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
♪♪
♪ HOROR BACKROUND SOUND ♪
♪♪
♪♪
[GAGGING]
[GAGGING STOPS]
[FROG CROAKS]
BELINDA: Bad things happened
on the tracks that night.
[FROG CROAKS]
♪♪
Some say the Devil
never left this place.
Some say he never will.
What the hell happened
to you boys back there?
BELINDA:
The black and white brothers
from way across the tracks
found that out.
♪♪
Found it out the hard way.
♪ CREDITS ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
_
♪ SOFT GUITAR ♪
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF, CAR DOOR OPENS]
♪♪
[DOOR DINGING]
Come on.
I got you, bro.
Easy.
♪♪
[CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE STARTS]
♪♪
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
You don't want a hand?
♪ ANXIETY GROWING ♪
[LIGHT CLICKS]
♪♪
[LIGHT CLICKS]
♪♪
[LIGHT CLICKS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
CLINTON: Hey.
You need anything?
Nah.
Got everything I need
right here.
♪ TENSION BUILDING ♪
["CHRISTMAS TIME'S A-COMIN'"
PLAYS]
_
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ And I know I'm goin' home ♪
♪ Snowflakes a-fallin' ♪
♪ My old home's a-callin' ♪
♪ Tall pine's are hummin' ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ Can't ya hear them bells
ringin', ringin'? ♪
♪ Joy, joy, hear them singin' ♪
♪ When it's snowin'
I'll be goin' ♪
♪ Back to my country home ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
Ho, ho, ho,
you crack-smokin' mother...
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ And I know I'm goin' home ♪
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
♪ SOLO BANJO ♪
[SCREAMS]
♪♪
[BOTH GRUNTING]
♪♪
Aah! I'm on fire!
Santa's comin'
to spread some holiday cheer
and whoop some ass.
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
- SINGING: Christmas time's a-comin'
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
- SINGING: Christmas time's a-comin'
- Christmas...
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ And I know I'm goin' home ♪
I'm on fire!
- What?
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
[SCREAMS]
Get! Don't you come back now,
ya hear?
♪ And I know I'm goin' home ♪
HAP: Aw, no, Leonard.
- Not again.
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
- ♪ Christmas time's a-comin' ♪
- I told y'all.
LEONARD: I don't want no drugs
in my neighborhood.
[BOTTLES RATTLE]
Get on, now! Get!
Hey, Hap!
[RADIO CRASHES, MUSIC STOPS]
Leonard.
- You, too!
- [SCREAMS]
I'm on fire!
[SHOUTING]
[SIREN WAILS]
- Aah!
- Hey, hold still.
Hold still!
Hey, man, you just hittin' me now!
You probably want to rethink
this hairdo anyway.
Aah! Come on, man!
Come on!
This shit is dope!
Good to see you again, Cletus.
What happened
to your mohawk?
That ain't a mohawk.
That's a high top.
Is that what it is?
[SIREN WAILS]
I guess it's about time you
changed that out anyway, huh?
That's exactly what I said.
Man, this is a hot box, man.
Yeah, well, you about to spend
New Year's behind bars.
What?
Th-This dude hit me!
I had a flamin' hot box comin' at me.
Had to put him down
to put him out.
I thought you quit.
Yeah, well, I like to quit
a few times a year.
That way she tastes that much
better when I get back to her.
Uh-huh.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Damn.
I think this might be
Leonard's best one yet.
Practice makes all the difference.
Dopin' sons of bitches.
Get the hell out of here!
- [GROANS]
- That's the last of 'em.
- Merry Christmas, Charlie.
- Merry Christmas, Leonard.
I was just tellin' Hap this
might be your best one yet.
Yeah.
A thing of beauty, ain't it?
Y'all just not gonna get me
any medical attention?
[HANDCUFFS CLICK, SIRENS WAILING]
Quit whining, Cletus.
[WOOD CLATTERING, GLASS SHATTERING]
- Name?
- Uh, Boogie Wilson.
Merry Christmas, Boogie.
Take a seat. Name?
- HAP: What the hell am I doin' here?
- Aiding and abetting.
- I saved a man's life tonight.
- I seen it on my own porch.
I mean, Hap's a hero.
Should get a-a Samaritan award
or somethin'.
- Right.
- Man,
I'm putting cases
on both your asses.
Shut up, Cletus.
It's Christmas Eve.
Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men.
- Go sit down now.
- All that crap.
Cletus Carter the Third, welcome back.
Take a seat.
Thank you, ma'am.
That's better.
Collins and Pine.
Pine and Collins.
Welcome back.
Heard this one was the best yet,
Leonard.
Thank you, ma'am.
I set the bar high for myself.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
All right, let's go.
I want to show you two
shit birds something.
[DRUMROLL]
Wife got me started at this.
Thought it'd help me quit smoking.
She got me a book on it.
Right there's a duck.
Look like a spider to me.
HAP: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Workin' on my bunny rabbit.
Bunny rabbit.
- Spider.
- Spider.
Oh.
That's a pussy.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me that book of yours
got a chapter on shadow vaginas.
Well, here.
Leonard, this one's for you.
Wock!
Charlie!
Where that hell is Hanson?
He's on his way.
Take my advice... Don't pull
your smart-ass routine
on him when he gets here.
He's been in a shitty mood
since him and Florida broke up.
[SCOFFS]
Well, I've been there.
He's trying to work things out
with the wife.
Unh.
They got kids, ya know.
- I know.
- Hap.
- I don't care.
- Hap!
What?
Just 'cause she broke up with him
don't make it good news for you.
- Did I say it was?
- Oh, but you was thinkin' it.
Detective.
Guy in cell three wants
we should call his wife,
tell her to tape a nature show
special off the TV.
Otherwise, he's gonna miss it.
It's a special about bears.
- Hey, Peg.
- Uh-huh?
What's this look like to you?
Whew!
TOGETHER: Spider.
Oh. God damn.
NARRATOR: As the snow melts
and Mother Sun returns,
they awaken from their slumber.
High atop a quagmire,
we find Ginger bear.
We'll be seeing her again.
With winter gone
and a tug in her loins,
she goes looking for a mate
and a safe place for her cubs
during the mating season.
Spring is for romance.
[ALL GROAN, MAN WOLF-WHISTLES]
Can you believe this shit?
I mean...
I don't believe it.
[BEARS GROWLING]
Two bears doin' the mambo
right there on TV.
Mm-mm.
You think bear dicks get swelled
up in a knot like dog dicks do?
I don't know, Cletus.
I never finished my degree
on bear dicks.
Oh, Hap, stop lyin'.
Now you're just bein' modest.
CHARLIE:
You know, when I was a kid,
they wouldn't even show
one dog behind the other
in case something like this happened.
BOOGIE: World's changin', man.
Ain't nothin' sacred
out there no mo'.
CLETUS: Amen.
Girl bear looks bored.
[NARRATOR SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Remind you of your wife,
Detective Blank?
[BEAR GROWLS]
[LAUGHTER]
All right!
Get it out.
Get it out.
HANSON: Put these dipsticks
back in their cells.
I want you in my office.
Now.
[CELL DOORS UNLOCKING,
CREAKING IN DISTANCE]
Just Collins.
Leonard.
Remind me to stop bein' friends
with you.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
_
If I burnt down every dirtbag's
house 'round here,
the whole town'd be cinders.
They was sellin' drugs, Hanson, to kids.
Now, if you boys would arrest them,
then Leonard wouldn't feel the need
to burn their house down,
now, would he, hm?
It makes us look bad.
So, you gonna take that out on Leonard?
- This is his third strike, Hap.
- Oh, come on.
Just give him one more.
You don't know how baseball
works, do you?
[TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE]
[SCOFFS]
Ain't heard from Florida, have you?
What?
Have you heard from Florida?
Well, we're not pen pals or nothin'.
I-I saw her
couple of months back.
- Mm.
- She was out with some friends.
Nothin' special.
Suppose you heard we broke up.
Oh, that...
that is a damn shame.
If you wanna dance,
get up, have at it.
I always thought that you two
were just the...
the best couple.
I...
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Well, I'm worried about her.
She went down to Grovetown
the other day.
Oh.
See a client.
Told her it was a bad idea, but...
[SCOFFS]
she wouldn't listen.
Well, Grovetown's always a bad idea.
I mean, she can take care of herself.
She's smart.
Maybe too smart for her own good.
She called me from there yesterday.
I didn't like the way she sounded.
Well, I tried.
I tried everything.
Told her, "Baby, come on home,"
but she just said,
"I can't. Not yet."
Thing that's got me shook,
though, is...
h-how she said it.
Sounded scared.
Where do I come into all this?
I want you to go down there
and bring her home.
- What, me?
- You.
What... What about you?
I'm back with the wife.
It wouldn't look good I go
chasin' after Florida, you know?
- Well...
- 'Sides, I got kids.
It's Christmas.
But you, you got nobody.
- I got Leonard.
- Well, his ass is in jail.
Shit, Hanson.
Grovetown?
- Send Charlie.
- Charlie's police.
This ain't police business.
It's personal.
You do this for me,
I'll let Leonard out of jail
when you get back.
I do this for you,
you gotta let Leonard
out of jail now.
Tonight.
["I'M GONNA LASSO SANTA CLAUS" PLAYS]
♪♪
Grovetown gives shitholes
a bad name, Hap.
Yep.
I've heard the stories.
It's a two-hour ride
but a hundred years away.
They don't like black folk there
unless they swabbin' out the
toilet or sweepin' the floor
or steppin' off the curb
let the white man pass.
Klan's alive and kickin' there.
Call themselves the Supreme
Order of Caucasian Assholes,
some such shit.
Well, if it's so bad, why did
Hanson ask us to go there?
Well, he ain't askin' you.
He's askin' Hap.
- Well, it's the same thing.
- No, it ain't the same thing!
Guy like you in Grovetown start
the next goddamn Civil War.
Well, I can't help it
if I'm burstin' with charm.
You're burstin' with bullshit's
what you're burstin' with.
Now, Hap, you take my advice.
You go down there,
you get in, you get out.
You don't take Leonard with you.
Grovetown and black folk don't mix,
and Leonard Pine does not
play well with others.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
CHARLIE: Remember what I said!
Be back in an hour, partner.
We'll take my car.
Should hit Grovetown by morning.
I'll get the sandwiches and the guns.
What do we need guns for?
Never know.
Might be in the mood
to shoot somethin'.
[SIGHS]
You don't need to do this, ya know.
Ain't doin' it for you, Hap.
Florida's family.
Yeah. Right.
Oh, hey.
Nearly forgot.
Merry Christmas.
You shouldn't have.
Man, I ain't get you nothin'.
I know.
You're the only gift I need, Leonard.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[DOOR CREAKS]
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
♪♪
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]
♪♪
[LOCK CLICKS]
♪ SOFT GUITAR ♪
[FLOOR CREAKS]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[FLOOR CREAKS QUIETLY]
♪♪
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]
[CREAKING]
Aaaaah!
[GRUNTING]
- Come on, man!
- Come on, please!
We don't want...
We don't want no trouble!
The hell you doin' in my house?
Was guardin' the house next
door, but then we got hungry,
and them crackheads
don't got shit to eat.
- Ah...
- Yeah! Yeah, we went to get pizza,
came back, and we seen you
burnt the place down again.
Yeah, and the cops took you in,
so we just figured
we'd use your place to eat.
This look like a cafeteria to you?
No. But it's a real nice place
you got.
There's some pizza in
the kitchen if you're hungry.
- You can have some.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you can have it.
What kind of pizza?
["DREAMER" PLAYS ON RADIO]
♪♪
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
♪♪
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
♪♪
["DREAMER" PLAYS]
♪ Dreamer ♪
♪ I've been called ♪
♪ A dreamer ♪
♪ With no future at all ♪
♪ They call me dreamer boy ♪
♪ Oh, but that's all right ♪
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- ♪ 'Cause I know ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ That you know ♪
- Hap.
- Florida.
- ♪ I'm more than a dreamer ♪
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Ladies.
- ♪ And with you, darlin' ♪
- You're lookin' good.
♪ I can make it ♪
- But then, you always do.
- ♪ By and by ♪
Well, you look the same.
Hm. Hm.
♪♪
Uh, you, uh...
♪ Loser ♪
You wanna dance?
♪ They say I won't succeed ♪
Uh...
♪♪
- ♪ Refuser ♪
- Sure.
Watch my bag.
♪ To conformity ♪
♪ But I believe a man ♪
♪ Should reach over yonder
to touch a star ♪
♪ 'Cause with his hands
in the dirt ♪
♪ Doin' that eight-hour work ♪
♪ A man just can't go far ♪
♪ You got to be a dreamer ♪
♪ And with you, darlin' ♪
♪ I can make it ♪
♪ By and by ♪
♪♪
♪ I'll dream us up ♪
♪ A paradise ♪
♪ Just you and me ♪
♪ And sugar and spice ♪
♪ Yes, I'm a dreamer ♪
♪ And I'll make it
in this old world ♪
♪ Dream... ♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
[DOOR CREAKS]
Florida?
[DOOR CREAKS AND CLOSES]
Florida?
[CHUCKLES]
[SNIFFS]
[SWITCH CLICKS]
You gonna sniff them, too?
Jesus, Hanson!
Damn!
That's creepy.
What the hell you doin' here?
Shit, I'm a cop.
What's your excuse?
I just figured I'd check.
See if she got back.
You didn't believe me about her,
did you?
Hmm?
Oh, truth is, uh...
I half expected her to be here.
Hidin' from you.
That girl don't hide from nothin'.
That's what I'm scared of.
Don't know when to quit
pickin' the scabs.
Damn.
What is it about women, Collins?
Take cavemen like us,
twist our peckers up into knots, and...
leave us to untie 'em.
Shit ain't right.
No, that's just the good ones.
Best ones twist 'em up
so damn tight
[CHUCKLES]
you can't untie 'em.
Me and her.
Mm.
It was good for a while there.
Then it went sour.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, I know what you mean, Marvin.
[CHUCKLES]
You don't know shit.
Don't call me "Marvin."
I spent a year and a half
in a lovin' relationship with that girl.
You [CHUCKLES]
spent the night
in a truck.
Was one hell of a night.
I'ma stop you right there
'fore you make me do
somethin' I might regret.
Why don't you just go home, Hanson, huh?
Spend Christmas Eve with your kids.
I'll call you when I find her.
You'll wanna check that
answering machine 'fore you go.
[LIQUID SWISHES]
[BEEP]
BOBBY JOE: Hey, Ms. Grange,
it's Bobby Joe.
I appreciate you meetin' up with us
with the holidays and all.
We'll be around at the, uh...
the radio station around
1:00 p.m. with Mr. Knox
to go over all the paperwork.
And, uh, thanks again, ya hear.
[BEEP]
HANSON: Hey, sweet potato.
It's your sugar bear.
Rawr!
[FAST-FORWARDING]
Skip that one.
[CLICK, BEEP]
SONNY: Ms. Grange,
Sonny Knox, 96.6 Radio.
Tryin' to reach Bobby Joe.
If you hear from him,
please have him call
as soon as possible.
Want to get this deal done.
It's a great opportunity for your client
and for me, as well.
Thank you. Hope to see both
of you soon, counselor.
Merry Christmas, all that jazz.
[CLICK]
Hm.
Any idea who the Bobby Joe guy is?
Number was a pay phone.
And the Knox character?
I left a message.
Maybe he's celebratin' the holidays.
I'll check him out
when I get down there, huh?
- Hap.
- Mm-hmm?
Go get her and bring her back.
I'll do my best.
That I promise you.
I'm gonna hold you to it.
Yeah.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[BELL TOLLING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Hey.
[INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV]
Hey.
- BOTH: Hey.
♪♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
Leon and Clinton.
I'll explain later.
They're gonna watch the house
while we're gone.
Ain't that right, boys?
Yeah.
Works out good, too.
Got a ant problem at our place.
We're better off here.
Christmas ants, ya know?
Uh, nope.
Not sure if I do.
You know, those ants that only
come out at Christmastime.
They everywhere this time of year!
Our house is full
of those little dudes.
Goddamn Christmas ants!
- They red or green or...
- Nah.
They just come out at Christmas.
They Christmas ants.
Yeah, there's ants
in my underwear drawer.
That's 'cause your underwear
ain't clean.
Man, what you doin'
in my underwear drawer?
You know they ate my banana?
I left it on the table, and they ate it.
[CRUNCHES]
Right.
Oh.
Uh, Leonard.
We gotta go.
You turkeys help yourself
to whatever's in the fridge.
I counted my cookies, so hands off.
BOTH: Yes!
[DOOR CLOSES]
[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]
[FROG CROAKING]
♪♪
["LOVE TO RIDE" PLAYS]
♪♪
♪ Said, Lord ♪
♪ How I love to ride ♪
♪♪
♪ Yes, Lord ♪
♪ How I love to ride ♪
♪ Over the prairie,
across to the mountainside ♪
♪♪
♪ I went down
to my prayin' ground ♪
♪ Fell down on my knees ♪
♪♪
♪ I went down
to my prayin' ground ♪
♪ And fell down on my knees ♪
Mm.
- Goddamn fly.
- ♪ I ain't cryin' for no religion ♪
♪ Lord, give me back
my good gal, please ♪
♪ Well ♪
♪ Lord ♪
♪ How I love to ride ♪
♪ I said, Lord ♪
_
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Mornin'.
Howdy.
Aw, that's
a fine-lookin' man.
Ain't he a picture, Pete?
- Th-Thank you, ma'am.
- Yeah.
You got a bathroom I can use?
It's broke.
Go around behind the shack.
Oh.
Whatchu doin' with that cracker?
You in trouble, son?
That is one sorry-lookin'
white boy.
What you and him doin' together?
Just travelin'.
With him?
What for?
To tell you the truth,
he had brain fever as boy.
Ain't too bright.
My mama used to work
for his mama when we was kids.
When she died, we felt sorry
for him and took him in.
Grew up together.
Kinda feel a little sorry for him.
- Mm.
- Mm.
That's a lordly thing
your mama did,
takin' in a dimwitted white boy
like that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, ma'am.
But, you know,
I use him as a chauffeur.
This way I can keep my eye on him.
Keep him outta trouble.
Bathroom's inside.
It ain't really broke.
You need it?
- Nice little place you got here.
- No.
[LAUGHING] Hey.
Them boiled peanuts?
[CHUCKLES]
I-I ain't had boiled peanuts
long as I can remember.
[LID CLATTERS]
They ain't ready yet.
- Come here, you.
- Damn!
Yes, ma'am.
Your mama must've been
a saintly woman.
Praise be to Jesus.
Where you boys headed?
Uh... Grovetown.
- Grovetown?!
- Grovetown?
- With him?!
- With him?!
- Grovetown.
- [LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- What's so funny?
- Nothin' funny about it.
Whoo-hoo!
Nothin' at all!
You gonna have
a good time in Grovetown.
- [COUGHING]
- Oh.
They gonna love you there.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- Y'all have a nice day.
- Ooh, Lord!
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Merry Christmas, now.
- Grovetown!
- Whoo!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Bless 'em.
What'd you tell them
folks back there?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO]
Nothin'.
♪♪
They sure were findin'
somethin' funny.
Yeah, well, maybe
they ain't used
to black and white folks mixin'.
♪♪
Maybe when we get there,
you lay low.
Stay in the car.
Let me do the talkin'.
♪♪
Whatchu tryin' to say?
What, I can't play it cool?
Nah. Worries me is you like
confrontation too much.
Well, what worries me is that
you don't like it enough, Hap.
I mean, I been in 'Nam.
I can handle Grovetown.
Not just Grovetown.
It's you in Grovetown.
Well, they don't mess with me,
I won't mess with them.
Well, what about
when they do mess with you?
I bear arms.
Wrong answer.
You know what guns means.
It just mean more guns.
I'd rather be judged by 12
than carried by 6.
I just wanna go down there
and find Florida, not...
Well, me, too.
Not have some kind of shootout
like in the O.K. Corral.
♪♪
Whatchu packin' back there?
A shotgun.
Broke it down, in plastic.
Oh, okay.
Couple of Winchesters,
.30-30s
and a .45 with some ammo
in a lockbox.
You bring the Gyrocopter?
In the lockbox, Hap.
- In the lockbox.
- "In the lockbox."
♪♪
[CROW CAWS]
[MUSIC ON RADIO CONTINUES]
LEONARD: Wait a minute.
P-Pull over right here
for a second.
HAP: Mm-hmm.
[MUSIC STOPS]
This here Devil's Crossing.
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
That's what it says.
You don't know what this is?
Nope.
[SCOFFS]
But I bet you gonna tell me.
You ain't go no damn taste in music.
Grew up listenin' to that
Pat Boone imitation bullshit,
then you crossed over
to that hippy-drug shit
they was pumpin' in the '70s.
All right, all right.
So, tell me.
What is the Devil's Crossroads?
Well, legend has it,
old blues man came here
and sold his soul to the Devil,
right here in this spot.
They ate each other's turds,
sucked each other's carrots,
some hocus pocus crap like that.
Anyway, that old boy became
the greatest blues man ever lived.
I thought that was Bobby Johnson.
Oh, no!
He just stoled it from him!
Well, who the hell was it, then?
Boy named L.C. Soothe.
Oh.
[SIGHS]
Uncle Chester said
he went to see him as a kid.
Sparks shot off from his fingers.
- HAP: Oh, get outta here.
- Eyes glowed yellow
as he choked on that old guitar.
Well...
I gotta admit, Hap.
I ain't never heard of him.
Yeah, you ain't the only one.
Any blues fan worth his salt
know who L.C. Soothe is, though.
[CROWS CAWING]
- Say, Hap.
- Mm-hmm.
What would you sell your soul for?
If I said world peace,
you'd only call me a hippie.
You are a hippie.
Hippie mixed
with old-ass hippie.
[CHUCKLES]
What about you?
Oh, that's easy.
Endless supply
of Nilla Wafers,
ocean full o' Dr. P.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, we sound like
a couple old farts.
Don't you even think about it.
Your butt feel like yodeling,
you better pull over
and let it out.
Hey.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
What's his game?
The hell?
I don't know.
Damn, he's close.
The hell?
What's he want?
Come on! Pass!
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]
♪ TENSION BUILDING ♪
HAP: What the hell?
♪♪
[SPITS]
Man!
[LAUGHS]
[ENGINE REVS]
Well, that was neighborly.
[BUTTON CLICKS]
[WIPERS SQUEAK]
Well, maybe we should think
about keeping them guns
up front from now on, huh?
_
♪ GLOOMY MUSIC ♪
[BELL RINGING]
SONNY KNOX OVER THE RADIO:
Merry Christmas, East Texas.
That was a sweet one
from Frog Eyes Johnson,
and you're listenin' to 96.6,
Your Blues Fix,
where the blues never die.
Here's an old classic to put
some bounce in your mistletoe.
♪ Ding, ding, dong
what a big parade ♪
♪ Ding, ding, dong ♪
- ♪ What a big parade ♪
- So much for bad, old Grovetown.
♪ Ding, ding, dong
what a big parade ♪
Place look like a goddamn
Hallmark card.
I don't see any black folk, though.
You noticed, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Keep expectin' Rod Serling
to pop out any minute
and give us the damn lowdown.
[CHUCKLES]
You've crossed over to...
"The Twilight Zone."
"The Twilight Zone."
[BOTH LAUGH]
♪♪
[CAR HORN BLARES]
Ho, ho, ho!
♪ The north wind says
it's going to snow ♪
[COIN CLINKS]
Merry Christmas.
♪ The north wind says
it's going to snow ♪
♪ The north wind says
it's going to snow ♪
♪ And paint
the whole world white ♪
♪♪
_
[MUSIC FADES]
Who the hell
are they supposed to be?
- What, them?
- Yeah.
That's the Three Wise Men.
Look more like
the Three Ken Dolls to me.
Three whitest black people
I ever seen.
Hey, now.
Behave, Leonard.
Aw, come on.
They got a blonde wig on Mary.
- I said behave.
- WOMAN: Can I help you?
[BUTTON CLICKS]
I'm afraid we're all booked up.
The holidays.
You know how it is.
I sure do know how it is.
Uh, ma'am, we were wondering
if this, uh... this woman
was stayin' here.
Her name is Florida Grange.
Nobody by that name
is stayin' here.
Nobody by that color either, I bet.
[KICKS LEONARD]
[GRUNTS]
We don't take kindly
to smart mouths around here.
Now, I told you
that lady is not here,
so I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.
Oh.
I got church service to go to,
and I have to lock up.
Well, we hope you have
a nice day, ma'am, and...
and thank you
so much for your help.
[BELLS JINGLE, DOOR CLOSES]
[BUTTON CLICKS]
Why don't you just
kiss her ass cheeks?
Massage her feet
while you're at it?
Well, I find you get more
with a little sugar
than vinegar, Leonard.
Yeah, well, I was usin' brown sugar.
That always gets me
what I want.
- Ladies.
- Strange.
It's almost as if she didn't like you.
Maybe it was this sexy vest
I was wearin'.
Oh, personally,
I've always found that vest
a little [HUFFS] scary on you.
You check out her hairdo?
Lady gotta have
one heck of a strong neck
to hold that shit up.
[CHUCKLES]
You see the part
where it was braided?
- It looked like a little butthole.
- Oh, gave you a little flutter, huh?
Ha ha, very funny.
[CHUCKLES]
Let's just find Florida,
get out of white-man fantasy
before "Matlock" come on
and you can't find nobody.
[HORN HONKS]
I don't know.
I'm beginning to appreciate
the quaintness of this town.
Why don't you just move here?
♪♪
Or maybe not.
♪ SOMBER MUSIC ♪
Startin' to get that
"Twilight zone" feeling again.
This season on
Hap and Leonard.
We lookin' for Florida Grange.
Nobody knows where she is.
I'm the law and you best
remember that.
Sorry I got you into this mess Leonard.
- ***
- Finish what we started.
If you still here tomorrow,
don't say I didn't warn you.
by LiviuBoss