Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript
We're just looking for weird
ingredients for Mom's remedy soup, okay?
Not ripe, not ripe.
Way too ripe.
- First, a moody lime.
- Check.
How is that...
Okay.
Uh, next is a hot pepper with attitude.
Also check.
All this trouble for some
folk treatment remedy soup
when we could just
buy Dad VapoRub and call it a day.
Okay, the last item on the list
is one perfect onion.
What does a perfect onion
even look like?
Yeah, how would we even know?
- Oh, never mind.
- Yeah. Wow.
Ah, perfect.
Truly an onion worthy of me.
Excuse me, that was mine.
Don't you know who I am?
The lady who just took my onion.
Oh, how quickly they forget.
People know me from their TV
I was on the popular telenovela
So melodramatic
My fans were ecstatic till my character
Got salmonella
They wrote me out of the show
There was not a thing that I could do
For the writers,
they all knew my only sure fault
Was that I just could not cry on cue
I thought that maybe
I could get my job back if I cried
There are 75 or 80
Onion remedies that I have tried
But still no tears
It was here in my darkest hours
When a light from the heavens
Shone down on me and gave me
This one superpower
Now I talk to onions
Because the onions
hear me when I speak
I guess, to be truthful,
it's not all that useful
But at least I can say I'm unique
Call me La Cebolla
I have this power
that came from the sky
Por que no puedo llorar
I'm no longer a star
So the rest of the world's
going to cry for me
La Cebolla
Call me La Cebolla.
You talk to onions?
Is that even a power?
I mean, I can talk to onions.
Hey, Mr. Onion,
read any good books lately?
Oh, you haven't,
because you're an onion.
Hey, Kevin, look. Blah, blah, blah.
I'm chatting with a banana.
I'm lounging with the leek.
How you doing?
I should clarify. I talk to onions,
and they listen. Onions, vamonos.
Call me La Cebolla
Excuse me.
Could you pass me a kiwi?
Here you go, ma'am.
La Cebolla
Should we go after her?
I'm not even sure
onion whispering is a crime.
Fair enough. But now we don't have
a perfect onion for Mom's remedy soup.
We'll have to settle
for an adequate shallot.
I told you not to go jogging
in the rain.
But I like running in the rain.
It makes me feel dramatic.
This is Veronica Hill,
reporting on a strange phenomenon
that has authorities confounded.
Stores and restaurants
have reported the mass disappearance
of onions from their
shelves and storerooms.
Without onions,
my French onion soup is just
French soup.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Huh, maybe we should
have gone after her.
Kevin. The woman talks to onions.
- Who cares?
- Kids. Dinner's ready!
And to the viewers at home
who ask, "Why should I care?"
Let me just say, I agree with you.
I've done a lot of field pieces
and I can safely say that
this is the most uninteresting one yet.
Pass the salt.
Kevin, it's bad luck
to spill salt at the table.
You have to throw it
over your left shoulder.
That's just a silly superstition.
I'll get it.
Ah, the bad luck is starting.
Run around the block
three times holding the garlic.
That should dispel the bad salt vibes.
Aora. Now.
Ah, you're a miracle worker, hon.
That soup cleared my sinuses right up.
Ay.
Hiccups. Mi tio had an ointment
for hiccups.
- Three laps.
- No fair, using powers.
That's what guys
with no powers always say.
Cold.
This is dumb.
It could be worse.
You could have gotten
the power to talk to onions.
You're right. At least I'm not...
La Cebolla
Uh-oh.
What do you want from us?
Simple. My onion amplifier allows me
to communicate
with every onion on Earth.
The thing is, it only works
by draining powers from a superhero.
At least, that's what
the infomercial said.
Can you talk to onions?
Would you like to talk to more onions?
Then use the Onion Amplifier.
It works by simply draining
the powers off any superhero.
Take over the world!
Impress your friends!
Superhero not included.
It drains superpowers?
Yes. And you will be my battery.
Okay.
What are you gonna do?
- Talk to onions at me?
- So to speak.
Onions, attack them!
- There's so many of them.
- Aah!
Scallions, strike!
My onion ring of power will bind you.
Aah!
Oh, no, she's got super onion breath.
- Vamonos, onion.
- Kevin!
Stay with me, buddy. Stay with me.
Cure for bad onion breath.
Come on. Come on.
I got nothing.
- Wait.
- Okay.
How do you feel?
Afraid.
Good, that means it's working.
Hey, Mom, I need a remedy
for bad onion breath.
Bad onion breath?
Ah, si. Drink some ice water
with apple slices in it,
then scream a secret into the cup.
Okay, thanks.
Scream a secret into the cup?
You heard me.
Phew! No more hiccups.
Okay, what's wrong now?
Everything's fine,
but you have to eat two lemons
while humming the alphabet backwards
before the moon is full.
Don't worry, my little battery,
this won't hurt...
me. You, I'm not sure.
Look, I'm sorry for
making fun of you earlier,
but this isn't gonna win you any fans.
Batteries, don't talk, dear.
Onions of the world,
La Cebolla commands you, come to me!
Ugh, I said no onions.
That's better.
Apples, ice water.
Come on, Hamster,
I need you to rescue Gretel.
Hamster, you need to scream
a secret into the cup.
I'm a hamster,
I don't have any secrets.
You need to do it.
- Me?
- Yes, Kevin.
Quickly, I'm fading!
Sometimes, I smell my socks
after taking them off,
and if they don't smell like soup,
I wear them again!
- Hamster?
- Okay, I'm better.
- It worked?
- No, I was just messing with you.
The water did the trick. Let's go.
Reports of vast migrations of onions
are pouring in from
all over the world, baffling scientists.
Is this the work of some
beautiful, misunderstood soul
whose talent has been ignored too long?
The answer, of course, is no.
Only a loser would seek validation
through such absurd methods.
The better question is,
what did I do to keep getting assigned
these awful, awful field pieces?
Told you.
I'll show them all.
You couldn't have dug a bigger hole?
Hamster, you're okay!
Oh, did you dip the apple in ice water,
then scream the secret into the cup?
Well played.
I suppose it's time for plan B,
where every onion
under my command bursts,
drowning the world in tears.
It is time!
Wait. You're gonna explode
all the onions in the world?
- That's terrible.
- Aren't they your friends?
They're my underlings, nothing more.
You've never asked the onions
what they think of your plans, have you?
Of course not.
Who cares what onions think?
They're stupid, brainless vegetables.
You don't really mean that, do you?
I do really mean it.
They literally have no brains.
So when I say "burst," they'll burst.
Burst!
I said, burst!
What? What's going on?
What, where are you going? Come back!
I said no onions.
I don't understand.
Why won't they do as I say?
You said it yourself.
You spoke and the onions listened.
They just didn't like what they heard.
Ay... What a fool I was.
I turned my back on my only audience.
The onions were sweet.
But La Cebolla was sour,
and now I shall never know
their pungent embrace again.
Por que?
Wow.
I brought you to tears.
Maybe I am a great actress.
No, it's, it's just the onion stink.
Onion punch!
Copy that, over.
Thanks, Hamster and Gretel
and, um, random teenage boy.
Take these handcuffs off me.
Don't you know who I am?
You were on that terrible telenovela.
- Oh, a fan.
- Watch the onion, ma'am.
I don't know about you,
but all that onion punching
made me surprisingly hungry.
Let's finish dinner.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
- What's up?
- Nothing, it... It's just...
Something about La Cebolla's origin.
Power that came from the sky?
What did that mean?
Kevin, she said a lot of crazy things.
The woman talked to onions.
Good point. Let's go home.
Experiment 622H-108 complete.
Results?
- Failure.
- I'll say.
So, who came up with the idea
of talking to onions as a superpower?
Ah,
they can't all be winners.
Hamster and Gretel
It's Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
ingredients for Mom's remedy soup, okay?
Not ripe, not ripe.
Way too ripe.
- First, a moody lime.
- Check.
How is that...
Okay.
Uh, next is a hot pepper with attitude.
Also check.
All this trouble for some
folk treatment remedy soup
when we could just
buy Dad VapoRub and call it a day.
Okay, the last item on the list
is one perfect onion.
What does a perfect onion
even look like?
Yeah, how would we even know?
- Oh, never mind.
- Yeah. Wow.
Ah, perfect.
Truly an onion worthy of me.
Excuse me, that was mine.
Don't you know who I am?
The lady who just took my onion.
Oh, how quickly they forget.
People know me from their TV
I was on the popular telenovela
So melodramatic
My fans were ecstatic till my character
Got salmonella
They wrote me out of the show
There was not a thing that I could do
For the writers,
they all knew my only sure fault
Was that I just could not cry on cue
I thought that maybe
I could get my job back if I cried
There are 75 or 80
Onion remedies that I have tried
But still no tears
It was here in my darkest hours
When a light from the heavens
Shone down on me and gave me
This one superpower
Now I talk to onions
Because the onions
hear me when I speak
I guess, to be truthful,
it's not all that useful
But at least I can say I'm unique
Call me La Cebolla
I have this power
that came from the sky
Por que no puedo llorar
I'm no longer a star
So the rest of the world's
going to cry for me
La Cebolla
Call me La Cebolla.
You talk to onions?
Is that even a power?
I mean, I can talk to onions.
Hey, Mr. Onion,
read any good books lately?
Oh, you haven't,
because you're an onion.
Hey, Kevin, look. Blah, blah, blah.
I'm chatting with a banana.
I'm lounging with the leek.
How you doing?
I should clarify. I talk to onions,
and they listen. Onions, vamonos.
Call me La Cebolla
Excuse me.
Could you pass me a kiwi?
Here you go, ma'am.
La Cebolla
Should we go after her?
I'm not even sure
onion whispering is a crime.
Fair enough. But now we don't have
a perfect onion for Mom's remedy soup.
We'll have to settle
for an adequate shallot.
I told you not to go jogging
in the rain.
But I like running in the rain.
It makes me feel dramatic.
This is Veronica Hill,
reporting on a strange phenomenon
that has authorities confounded.
Stores and restaurants
have reported the mass disappearance
of onions from their
shelves and storerooms.
Without onions,
my French onion soup is just
French soup.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Huh, maybe we should
have gone after her.
Kevin. The woman talks to onions.
- Who cares?
- Kids. Dinner's ready!
And to the viewers at home
who ask, "Why should I care?"
Let me just say, I agree with you.
I've done a lot of field pieces
and I can safely say that
this is the most uninteresting one yet.
Pass the salt.
Kevin, it's bad luck
to spill salt at the table.
You have to throw it
over your left shoulder.
That's just a silly superstition.
I'll get it.
Ah, the bad luck is starting.
Run around the block
three times holding the garlic.
That should dispel the bad salt vibes.
Aora. Now.
Ah, you're a miracle worker, hon.
That soup cleared my sinuses right up.
Ay.
Hiccups. Mi tio had an ointment
for hiccups.
- Three laps.
- No fair, using powers.
That's what guys
with no powers always say.
Cold.
This is dumb.
It could be worse.
You could have gotten
the power to talk to onions.
You're right. At least I'm not...
La Cebolla
Uh-oh.
What do you want from us?
Simple. My onion amplifier allows me
to communicate
with every onion on Earth.
The thing is, it only works
by draining powers from a superhero.
At least, that's what
the infomercial said.
Can you talk to onions?
Would you like to talk to more onions?
Then use the Onion Amplifier.
It works by simply draining
the powers off any superhero.
Take over the world!
Impress your friends!
Superhero not included.
It drains superpowers?
Yes. And you will be my battery.
Okay.
What are you gonna do?
- Talk to onions at me?
- So to speak.
Onions, attack them!
- There's so many of them.
- Aah!
Scallions, strike!
My onion ring of power will bind you.
Aah!
Oh, no, she's got super onion breath.
- Vamonos, onion.
- Kevin!
Stay with me, buddy. Stay with me.
Cure for bad onion breath.
Come on. Come on.
I got nothing.
- Wait.
- Okay.
How do you feel?
Afraid.
Good, that means it's working.
Hey, Mom, I need a remedy
for bad onion breath.
Bad onion breath?
Ah, si. Drink some ice water
with apple slices in it,
then scream a secret into the cup.
Okay, thanks.
Scream a secret into the cup?
You heard me.
Phew! No more hiccups.
Okay, what's wrong now?
Everything's fine,
but you have to eat two lemons
while humming the alphabet backwards
before the moon is full.
Don't worry, my little battery,
this won't hurt...
me. You, I'm not sure.
Look, I'm sorry for
making fun of you earlier,
but this isn't gonna win you any fans.
Batteries, don't talk, dear.
Onions of the world,
La Cebolla commands you, come to me!
Ugh, I said no onions.
That's better.
Apples, ice water.
Come on, Hamster,
I need you to rescue Gretel.
Hamster, you need to scream
a secret into the cup.
I'm a hamster,
I don't have any secrets.
You need to do it.
- Me?
- Yes, Kevin.
Quickly, I'm fading!
Sometimes, I smell my socks
after taking them off,
and if they don't smell like soup,
I wear them again!
- Hamster?
- Okay, I'm better.
- It worked?
- No, I was just messing with you.
The water did the trick. Let's go.
Reports of vast migrations of onions
are pouring in from
all over the world, baffling scientists.
Is this the work of some
beautiful, misunderstood soul
whose talent has been ignored too long?
The answer, of course, is no.
Only a loser would seek validation
through such absurd methods.
The better question is,
what did I do to keep getting assigned
these awful, awful field pieces?
Told you.
I'll show them all.
You couldn't have dug a bigger hole?
Hamster, you're okay!
Oh, did you dip the apple in ice water,
then scream the secret into the cup?
Well played.
I suppose it's time for plan B,
where every onion
under my command bursts,
drowning the world in tears.
It is time!
Wait. You're gonna explode
all the onions in the world?
- That's terrible.
- Aren't they your friends?
They're my underlings, nothing more.
You've never asked the onions
what they think of your plans, have you?
Of course not.
Who cares what onions think?
They're stupid, brainless vegetables.
You don't really mean that, do you?
I do really mean it.
They literally have no brains.
So when I say "burst," they'll burst.
Burst!
I said, burst!
What? What's going on?
What, where are you going? Come back!
I said no onions.
I don't understand.
Why won't they do as I say?
You said it yourself.
You spoke and the onions listened.
They just didn't like what they heard.
Ay... What a fool I was.
I turned my back on my only audience.
The onions were sweet.
But La Cebolla was sour,
and now I shall never know
their pungent embrace again.
Por que?
Wow.
I brought you to tears.
Maybe I am a great actress.
No, it's, it's just the onion stink.
Onion punch!
Copy that, over.
Thanks, Hamster and Gretel
and, um, random teenage boy.
Take these handcuffs off me.
Don't you know who I am?
You were on that terrible telenovela.
- Oh, a fan.
- Watch the onion, ma'am.
I don't know about you,
but all that onion punching
made me surprisingly hungry.
Let's finish dinner.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
- What's up?
- Nothing, it... It's just...
Something about La Cebolla's origin.
Power that came from the sky?
What did that mean?
Kevin, she said a lot of crazy things.
The woman talked to onions.
Good point. Let's go home.
Experiment 622H-108 complete.
Results?
- Failure.
- I'll say.
So, who came up with the idea
of talking to onions as a superpower?
Ah,
they can't all be winners.
Hamster and Gretel
It's Hamster
Hamster and Gretel