Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Episode #1.11 - full transcript
MAN: (SINGING) Who's the improbable duo
That you heard about?
Faster than a scooter
Stronger than metal
Who's the little girl
And her domesticated rodent?
Who's still standing
When you see the dust settle?
It's Hamster
Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
If they can't do it then nobody can
Hamster, Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
There's also Kevin in the minivan
Hey, Fred. Hey, Minivan Kid.
Ugh. So annoying.
Everyone calls me Minivan Kid.
No one calls you that.
Just two seconds...
Hi Fred. Hi, Minivan Kid.
Hey, Fred. Hey, Minivan Kid.
Good morrow, fair maiden Winnifred.
Salutations, Minivan Kid.
Bonjour, Fred.
Salut, l'enfant du minivan.
Okay, now I hear it.
(SIGHS) Let's get some lunch.
This mashed potato
make you strong like bear,
not weak like Minivan Kid.
Oh, hey, Minivan Kid. Hi, Fred.
This is why I need to rebrand myself
and get rid of this Minivan Kid persona.
Why do you care about what people think?
That's easy for you to say.
Ever since you went undercover as
a cheerleader, you've been Miss Popular.
Despite my best efforts.
Hey, Fred.
Everybody
stop acknowledging my existence.
PRINCIPAL: (ON PA SYSTEM)
Afternoon, East Side Plumbers.
I am sure you're all excited
for tonight's disco-themed
homecoming dance.
The votes are in,
and our homecoming king
and queen are Hunter Campbell...
(STUDENTS CHEERING)
...and Winnifred Grant.
- KEVIN: Wow! Congrat...
- Excuse me.
PRINCIPAL: So, the duties of
the king and queen are...
Oh, Winnifred. Congratulations.
- I was just announcing the...
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Oh, all right. Cool.
- I'll just... Use the thing... I just...
-(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
FRED: (OVER PA SYSTEM) Uh, I abdicate my
crown and I will not discuss it further.
Neat-o! Cool!
-(STUDENTS CHEERING)
- BOY: Awesome!
I also abdicate my crown,
for I am in love with a commoner.
Pamela Brien.
Oh, Hunter.
You're giving up your crown for me?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
PRINCIPAL: (CHUCKLES)
Well, this has never happened before.
So, I guess we'll figure out
a new king and queen at the dance
based on some arbitrary criteria.
See you all there!
Hmm. Maybe I could
use the dance to rebrand myself.
I'm not sure that
Disco Minivan Kid is a step up.
This is it! The tide is turning.
I can feel it.
Nothing's gonna ruin tonight.
(EXPLOSION)
(ALARM BLARING)
(GRUNTS)
How do you like that?
Stupid prison walls.
Let's see what evil scheme we can create
that will tell the world we're back.
Yes. This is perfect.
Hey, bro. Do you want to celebrate
our first night of freedom
by destroying a homecoming dance?
- No.
- They have snacks.
Yes.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
-(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
- Whoa!
Why do you look like
a vampire ice cream man?
Well, it's part of my rebranding.
I'm so ready for this.
Like, I've been practicing
all my disco moves.
Welcome to Darren Dark's
disco dancing demo.
Are you ready to boogie?
I said, are you ready to boogie?
Oh, sorry. Yes.
They guaranteed
the hottest moves from 1973.
Now you know why I volunteered
to babysit you tonight.
I don't need a babysitter, Fred.
Tough. I need an excuse to be a shut-in,
and you're it, you baby.
Let me sit.
Ugh. I can't wait to be a teenager.
That's not happening, we're a cartoon.
- What?
- Nothing.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(EXHALES)
All right, Kevin. You got this.
By the end of the night,
they won't call you Minivan Kid.
- Hey, Minivan Kid.
- My name is...
Kevin! Wow. You look fantastic.
Hiromi.
Hi. Uh, thanks.
And you look really groovy.
What do I do now?
When in doubt, boogie, boogie, boogie!
- Hey, do you, um...
- Hey, do you want to dance?
Uh...
I said, boogie, boogie, boogie!
Yes. Yes, please.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no, it's a slow dance!
Darren Dark, what do I do?
Slow dancing is easy. So easy,
I don't even yell about it.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
All this polyester is making me thirsty.
I'm going to go to the punch bar.
For punch.
Hit me, Inga. I need some punch.
Hey, Minivan Kid.
Why you dress like ice cream vampire?
How is this possible?
I'm using superhuman speed.
It's called skill, Gretel beans.
(ALARM BLARES)
Our city's thriving costume industry
was thrown into turmoil today
when two escaped villains
broke into the Boogie Bargain Bin
and stole two 1970s outfits.
We don't know where they're going,
but clearly they're planning
something funky! Back to you.
ALL: The school dance!
We gotta get there!
We can't let them ruin
Kevin's big night.
Ugh. We'll never hear the end of it.
We gotta be sneaky, Gretel.
But I'm not in high school yet,
so we'll have to go undercover.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
All right.
Should we mingle
or just wreck this place?
Eh, the food sucks.
Let's just wreck this place.
Okay by me.
So, you had your supervillain suit
under your '70s costumes?
Weren't you hot?
Hey, all you little Destructonauts.
Fistpuncher and I
are here doing some evil.
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
- Mmm.
Now, this is a party.
- Ew!
-(STUDENTS SCREAMING)
Gretel! Fistpuncher
and The Destructress are at the dance.
GRETEL: We're on our way.
Just stall them.
Stall them? How?
When in doubt, boogie, boogie, boogie!
That's actually helpful. Thanks.
Destruction at the disco!
This is gonna go so viral.
Hey, The Destructress,
you really wanna go viral?
Uh, duh, I literally just said it.
Then you don't wanna cause destruction.
You want a dance battle.
-(RECORD SCRATCHES)
- Sorry, my bad.
I was trying to wipe
all the blue cheese off my records.
Dance battle. Dance battle.
CROWD: Dance battle!
Dance battle! Dance battle!
Crush them like bear, Minivan Kid.
If I win, you guys have to leave.
You're gonna take on both of us alone?
He's not alone.
- Hiromi, you don't have to...
- I've got some super moves myself.
It's on.
Wait, you have your '70s costumes over
your supervillain suit,
which were over another '70s costume?
That is a tremendous
amount of polyester.
Hit it, DJ.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) Oh, yeah
Listen, if you're feeling like a fight
But you don't want
to get punched in the face
No
There's an alternative to violence
And all you need's a thumping bass
Yeah
You don't have to resort to fisticuffs
Just get out on the floor
and strut your stuff
Dance Battle
You're less likely to bleed in a
Dance Battle
It's not time to concede, it's a
Dance Battle
Just shake whatever body part
you think is most effective
Why are we so in sync?
Darren Dark's...
BOTH: ...disco dancing demo!
MAN: (SINGING) Dance Battle
Oh, no, it's worse than I thought.
A dance battle.
And Kevin is killing it.
That's what I'm talking about.
Well, at least this buys us a minute.
Cool. Hamster, spot me.
MAN: (SINGING)
There's no weapons involved, it's a
Dance Battle
Just Boogie till it's resolved, it's a
Dance Battle
Let me restate the premise once more
To avoid confusion
In a dance battle
You're less likely to get a contusion
Yeah
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CRASHING)
It's looks like the winners
of our impromptu dance battle
are Kevin Grant-Gomez and Hiromi Tanaka.
Well, you lost.
And I guess it's time
for you two to leave.
Oh, yeah. We'll leave...
you in pieces.
Broken pieces.
Ugh. That's implied.
That's what a piece is.
Whatever. Let's wreck this place!
Oh, come on!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
GRETEL: Hey!
(GRUNTS)
HIROMI: Look.
Look, it's Hamster!
Man, you guys got here just in time.
Where's Gretel?
GRETEL: I'm in here, concerned citizen.
Oh, okay.
Fred, get everyone out
while I distract them!
Okay, everyone, please exit the building
in an orderly fashion.
Hey, everyone, it's Fred.
STUDENTS: Fred! Fred! Fred! Fred!
Hey, come on, we had a deal.
We don't do deals. We're supervillains.
I am so going to punch you.
(GRETEL SHOUTING)
(GRUNTS)
FISTPUNCHER: Destructress!
The disco ball is haunted.
Huh?
FISTPUNCHER: I got you.
(GRUNTING)
GRETEL: You're going back to jail.
Are you serious?
We're getting arrested
by a haunted disco ball.
THE DESTRUCTRESS: Hey, Minivan Kid.
Nice moves.
It's Kevin.
How do you even know I drive a minivan?
Well, you sort of look like you do.
Sorry to end the dance early, everyone.
But the sound system
was destroyed in the battle.
STUDENTS: Aww.
With all due respect,
Principal Funderburke,
the party doesn't have to stop.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
I un-abdicate my crown.
And as queen, I proclaim we party.
(STUDENTS CHEERING)
And now I abdicate again.
GRETEL: Hamster. This is so exciting.
Our first high school dance.
It would be nice
if I wasn't part of a lighting system
and I could actually participate,
but a win is a win.
STUDENTS: Minivan Kid! Minivan Kid!
Sorry the rebranding didn't work.
No, it's totally okay.
Minivan Kid means something else now.
And I think we all
know who deserves to be our new
homecoming king and queen.
Sheila and Barry.
(MUSIC STOPS)
What?
They made all that money for us
at the bake sale last week.
- Fair enough.
-(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
FEMALE ALIEN: You know,
flashing those lights is using up
a lot of power.
MALE ALIEN: (IMITATING) You know,
flashing those lights is using a lot...
That's what you sound like right now.
That you heard about?
Faster than a scooter
Stronger than metal
Who's the little girl
And her domesticated rodent?
Who's still standing
When you see the dust settle?
It's Hamster
Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
If they can't do it then nobody can
Hamster, Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
There's also Kevin in the minivan
Hey, Fred. Hey, Minivan Kid.
Ugh. So annoying.
Everyone calls me Minivan Kid.
No one calls you that.
Just two seconds...
Hi Fred. Hi, Minivan Kid.
Hey, Fred. Hey, Minivan Kid.
Good morrow, fair maiden Winnifred.
Salutations, Minivan Kid.
Bonjour, Fred.
Salut, l'enfant du minivan.
Okay, now I hear it.
(SIGHS) Let's get some lunch.
This mashed potato
make you strong like bear,
not weak like Minivan Kid.
Oh, hey, Minivan Kid. Hi, Fred.
This is why I need to rebrand myself
and get rid of this Minivan Kid persona.
Why do you care about what people think?
That's easy for you to say.
Ever since you went undercover as
a cheerleader, you've been Miss Popular.
Despite my best efforts.
Hey, Fred.
Everybody
stop acknowledging my existence.
PRINCIPAL: (ON PA SYSTEM)
Afternoon, East Side Plumbers.
I am sure you're all excited
for tonight's disco-themed
homecoming dance.
The votes are in,
and our homecoming king
and queen are Hunter Campbell...
(STUDENTS CHEERING)
...and Winnifred Grant.
- KEVIN: Wow! Congrat...
- Excuse me.
PRINCIPAL: So, the duties of
the king and queen are...
Oh, Winnifred. Congratulations.
- I was just announcing the...
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Oh, all right. Cool.
- I'll just... Use the thing... I just...
-(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
FRED: (OVER PA SYSTEM) Uh, I abdicate my
crown and I will not discuss it further.
Neat-o! Cool!
-(STUDENTS CHEERING)
- BOY: Awesome!
I also abdicate my crown,
for I am in love with a commoner.
Pamela Brien.
Oh, Hunter.
You're giving up your crown for me?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
PRINCIPAL: (CHUCKLES)
Well, this has never happened before.
So, I guess we'll figure out
a new king and queen at the dance
based on some arbitrary criteria.
See you all there!
Hmm. Maybe I could
use the dance to rebrand myself.
I'm not sure that
Disco Minivan Kid is a step up.
This is it! The tide is turning.
I can feel it.
Nothing's gonna ruin tonight.
(EXPLOSION)
(ALARM BLARING)
(GRUNTS)
How do you like that?
Stupid prison walls.
Let's see what evil scheme we can create
that will tell the world we're back.
Yes. This is perfect.
Hey, bro. Do you want to celebrate
our first night of freedom
by destroying a homecoming dance?
- No.
- They have snacks.
Yes.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
-(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
- Whoa!
Why do you look like
a vampire ice cream man?
Well, it's part of my rebranding.
I'm so ready for this.
Like, I've been practicing
all my disco moves.
Welcome to Darren Dark's
disco dancing demo.
Are you ready to boogie?
I said, are you ready to boogie?
Oh, sorry. Yes.
They guaranteed
the hottest moves from 1973.
Now you know why I volunteered
to babysit you tonight.
I don't need a babysitter, Fred.
Tough. I need an excuse to be a shut-in,
and you're it, you baby.
Let me sit.
Ugh. I can't wait to be a teenager.
That's not happening, we're a cartoon.
- What?
- Nothing.
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(EXHALES)
All right, Kevin. You got this.
By the end of the night,
they won't call you Minivan Kid.
- Hey, Minivan Kid.
- My name is...
Kevin! Wow. You look fantastic.
Hiromi.
Hi. Uh, thanks.
And you look really groovy.
What do I do now?
When in doubt, boogie, boogie, boogie!
- Hey, do you, um...
- Hey, do you want to dance?
Uh...
I said, boogie, boogie, boogie!
Yes. Yes, please.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no, it's a slow dance!
Darren Dark, what do I do?
Slow dancing is easy. So easy,
I don't even yell about it.
Ugh, I'm sorry.
All this polyester is making me thirsty.
I'm going to go to the punch bar.
For punch.
Hit me, Inga. I need some punch.
Hey, Minivan Kid.
Why you dress like ice cream vampire?
How is this possible?
I'm using superhuman speed.
It's called skill, Gretel beans.
(ALARM BLARES)
Our city's thriving costume industry
was thrown into turmoil today
when two escaped villains
broke into the Boogie Bargain Bin
and stole two 1970s outfits.
We don't know where they're going,
but clearly they're planning
something funky! Back to you.
ALL: The school dance!
We gotta get there!
We can't let them ruin
Kevin's big night.
Ugh. We'll never hear the end of it.
We gotta be sneaky, Gretel.
But I'm not in high school yet,
so we'll have to go undercover.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
All right.
Should we mingle
or just wreck this place?
Eh, the food sucks.
Let's just wreck this place.
Okay by me.
So, you had your supervillain suit
under your '70s costumes?
Weren't you hot?
Hey, all you little Destructonauts.
Fistpuncher and I
are here doing some evil.
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
- Mmm.
Now, this is a party.
- Ew!
-(STUDENTS SCREAMING)
Gretel! Fistpuncher
and The Destructress are at the dance.
GRETEL: We're on our way.
Just stall them.
Stall them? How?
When in doubt, boogie, boogie, boogie!
That's actually helpful. Thanks.
Destruction at the disco!
This is gonna go so viral.
Hey, The Destructress,
you really wanna go viral?
Uh, duh, I literally just said it.
Then you don't wanna cause destruction.
You want a dance battle.
-(RECORD SCRATCHES)
- Sorry, my bad.
I was trying to wipe
all the blue cheese off my records.
Dance battle. Dance battle.
CROWD: Dance battle!
Dance battle! Dance battle!
Crush them like bear, Minivan Kid.
If I win, you guys have to leave.
You're gonna take on both of us alone?
He's not alone.
- Hiromi, you don't have to...
- I've got some super moves myself.
It's on.
Wait, you have your '70s costumes over
your supervillain suit,
which were over another '70s costume?
That is a tremendous
amount of polyester.
Hit it, DJ.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) Oh, yeah
Listen, if you're feeling like a fight
But you don't want
to get punched in the face
No
There's an alternative to violence
And all you need's a thumping bass
Yeah
You don't have to resort to fisticuffs
Just get out on the floor
and strut your stuff
Dance Battle
You're less likely to bleed in a
Dance Battle
It's not time to concede, it's a
Dance Battle
Just shake whatever body part
you think is most effective
Why are we so in sync?
Darren Dark's...
BOTH: ...disco dancing demo!
MAN: (SINGING) Dance Battle
Oh, no, it's worse than I thought.
A dance battle.
And Kevin is killing it.
That's what I'm talking about.
Well, at least this buys us a minute.
Cool. Hamster, spot me.
MAN: (SINGING)
There's no weapons involved, it's a
Dance Battle
Just Boogie till it's resolved, it's a
Dance Battle
Let me restate the premise once more
To avoid confusion
In a dance battle
You're less likely to get a contusion
Yeah
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CRASHING)
It's looks like the winners
of our impromptu dance battle
are Kevin Grant-Gomez and Hiromi Tanaka.
Well, you lost.
And I guess it's time
for you two to leave.
Oh, yeah. We'll leave...
you in pieces.
Broken pieces.
Ugh. That's implied.
That's what a piece is.
Whatever. Let's wreck this place!
Oh, come on!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
GRETEL: Hey!
(GRUNTS)
HIROMI: Look.
Look, it's Hamster!
Man, you guys got here just in time.
Where's Gretel?
GRETEL: I'm in here, concerned citizen.
Oh, okay.
Fred, get everyone out
while I distract them!
Okay, everyone, please exit the building
in an orderly fashion.
Hey, everyone, it's Fred.
STUDENTS: Fred! Fred! Fred! Fred!
Hey, come on, we had a deal.
We don't do deals. We're supervillains.
I am so going to punch you.
(GRETEL SHOUTING)
(GRUNTS)
FISTPUNCHER: Destructress!
The disco ball is haunted.
Huh?
FISTPUNCHER: I got you.
(GRUNTING)
GRETEL: You're going back to jail.
Are you serious?
We're getting arrested
by a haunted disco ball.
THE DESTRUCTRESS: Hey, Minivan Kid.
Nice moves.
It's Kevin.
How do you even know I drive a minivan?
Well, you sort of look like you do.
Sorry to end the dance early, everyone.
But the sound system
was destroyed in the battle.
STUDENTS: Aww.
With all due respect,
Principal Funderburke,
the party doesn't have to stop.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
I un-abdicate my crown.
And as queen, I proclaim we party.
(STUDENTS CHEERING)
And now I abdicate again.
GRETEL: Hamster. This is so exciting.
Our first high school dance.
It would be nice
if I wasn't part of a lighting system
and I could actually participate,
but a win is a win.
STUDENTS: Minivan Kid! Minivan Kid!
Sorry the rebranding didn't work.
No, it's totally okay.
Minivan Kid means something else now.
And I think we all
know who deserves to be our new
homecoming king and queen.
Sheila and Barry.
(MUSIC STOPS)
What?
They made all that money for us
at the bake sale last week.
- Fair enough.
-(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
FEMALE ALIEN: You know,
flashing those lights is using up
a lot of power.
MALE ALIEN: (IMITATING) You know,
flashing those lights is using a lot...
That's what you sound like right now.